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Luke's can barely breathe, he's pretty sure his voice lowkey blown, and, oh yeah, this is going hurt tomorrow morning. And the morning after that – probably for the next week, actually. The lights are starting to give him weird spots in his vision and it's about a million degrees in the venue but he's fine with it, really. He is one hundred percent over the moon content and could be flung into the sun and feel absolutely no negative emotions if Laura Jane Grace was as close to him as she is now. Yes, Laura fucking Jane Grace, arguably one of the coolest most badass people on the face of the planet, is about ten feet (tops) away from Luke and has been for a solid forty minutes.
Luke's only felt this alive maybe three other times in his life but he also feels sort of completely dead. Okay, yes, that sounds weird, he knows it does but this show is so heart stopping and adrenaline inducing and hands-down magical. And the band...the band is ethereal, this band means almost more to him than life because without he's pretty sure he wouldn't have one. He's needed them in his life in that unexplainable way that people need their favourite musicians in their life and he's really needed them in this part of his life where he hears his mother pray through the walls of their house for her baby girl back and won't speak his name. The time where everything feels like it's affecting him more than usual, even if he doesn't notice it, where typically tiny things are causing big problems and big things are breaking his bones.
Maybe that's why his legs shook and it felt like his knees were going to give out and euphoria or something had exploded in his chest when 'Walking Is Still Honest' is one of the first songs on the set and it seemed like he was singing louder than every other person in the room even though he's wasn't. He doesn't know or know if he really cares but screaming the opening verse has never been so fulfilling.
He probably shouldn't be wearing his binder for this long but he's not going to crash here, he's not going to crash in his safe haven, and the words feel like they're giving him air and the bass line is helping his heart beat so he doesn’t think it really matters. The lights are leading him home to the sound of heavy guitars and good music and a place to be himself.
The entire show is a blur in the same way that Luke remembers every frame and second of it like it was a video he could always skip through. He plays air guitar to his favourite rift in ‘Teenage Anarchist’ and gets a quick, but very enthusiastic, nod from one of the guitarists James and he’s pretty sure Laura’s seen him cry a lot. Like, a lot, a lot. Emotionally, it feels like it goes by faster than the blink of an eye however physically Luke feels like he’s been here since pre-historic times. When it comes to their last song its bitter sweet and Luke notices a change in the room almost.
The opening notes to True Trans Soul Rebel and the room kind of lights up and, okay, it obviously doesn’t literally light up but the room feels brighter and even more like home if that’s possible. The crowd shifts, people push forward a little more and you know who’s here for this song, who’s here because they’re like Luke. Everyone’s jumping and screaming and some are crying and Luke’s shoulder to shoulder (or maybe shoulder to slightly-above-the-elbow area? This person’s pretty damn tall compared to him) with someone in a dark denim jacket and vibrant red hair who seems like they can’t stop moving and smiling. Luke can’t seem to look away from them for a good portion of the beginning of the song, though.
Near the end Luke finds himself putting his hands up and just throwing his head back because fuck it, he wants to feel alive and happy and that’s how he does feel and he loves it. He adores it, wants it to never end. He feels calloused finger filling the spaces in between his causing him to freak out for a second before realizing it’s the person next to him. Suddenly something clicks and then they’re laughing and smiling and screaming the lyrics at each other jumping so much Luke thinks he’s gonna trip and fall face first into this barricade. Luke loves it, though. Luke doesn’t know who this person is but their smile is beautiful and the air around them feels lighter, easier to breathe in, and like the stress from his small shoulders is being lifted.
The song ends and the band walks off stage, Luke swears his eyes tear up and he holds his breath the entire time as he watches them leave as he lets out a sigh. He’s so happy and tired but happiness doesn’t even describe it he’s fucking elated he feels like he’s flying up in the air. The venue clears out pretty fast, thankfully, because Luke is almost one hundred percent sure his back is going to break any moment or some shit. He picks up his bag from over the barricade – thank god for nice security guards – and pulls on his sweater, his chucks thudding softly against the granite floor of the ballroom. Luke can’t keep the smile off of his face even when the cool autumn wind whips through the winding streets of the city, chilling him a bit. He feels silly when he approaches the small group of people waiting in the alley at the back of the venue, like he shouldn’t be here because he’s too inadequate and clueless when it comes to trying to meet musicians.
He shifts his feet while scanning the group that looks so clique-y and put together like they walked right out of a movie scene before deciding to sit down a bit away from them. While unzipping his bag Luke feels someone sit down next to him and when he looks up his blue eyes meet shining green ones and Luke swallows thickly maybe just a little bit because those are the same shining green eyes who belong to the person with the beautiful smile.
Luke feels like he takes forever trying to formulate words and his tongue ties with every word and stumbles with every pronunciation, “Hey! I think you were next to me at barricade? And we like, jammed out during the last song?”
The person next to him takes him in for a second before breaking out into a grin and nodding, “Yeah! That was me, definitely. I’m Michael, it’s nice to meet you not crammed up against a big metal gate wall. What are your pronouns?”
“Luke and yeah, it’s not the best time for conversation when you’re getting bruised by a one-thousand person general admission pit is it? I use he, him, his pronouns, thanks for asking,” Luke is smiling so, so hard he’s absolutely cheesing out but Michael is so sweet and pretty and asking his pronouns and he’s not sure he’s ever felt so nice in his life, “what are yours?”
“I fluctuate, y’know? Sometimes I use he and him but other times I use they and them, it kinda just depends. Since it changes I just tell people to ask me if they don’t know what I’m using that day or use they and them to be safe. It’s a pretty they day today, though.”
“Oh yeah, that totally makes sense.” Luke looks down at his lap for a minute, he’s nervous in a weird sense even though there’s no reason to be but his awkwardness is creeping up on him “so, um, have you seen them before or met them? Against Me!, I mean.”
“Yeah! I’ve seen them every time they’ve been in the city and met them just about as many. Oh god, I hope that doesn’t sound douchey, shit, I’m just really passionate about their music and Laura’s a saint.” Michael lights up as they talk and when Luke gets excited and asks for stories they glow. They tell about waiting in snow and rain and being invited into soundcheck and guest-listed with a cheek-hurting smile and big hand gestures. They truly make the experience sound like absolute magic and Luke has big, wonder-filled eyes the entire time.
“I want to meet Laura, especially, so bad. Do you think she’ll come out tonight?” Luke asks and he bites his lip ring and quickens the shaking of his leg in anticipation.
Michael laughs, “Hell yeah. She always says she loves this place and the fans here but we’ve still got another hour or so before she comes out, though. I’m sure she’ll love to meet you.”
Luke smiles all big again and he feels like his heart is about to beat out of his chest and his hands are going to shake right off. Him, meeting Laura Jane Grace, an actual god send. He’s waited for this for so long, he really does hope she comes out, like, desperately. Luke remembers hanging posters up and waiting in line on record store days and staying up way too late scrolling through articles and interviews like a little kid under the covers with their flashlight and a good book.
He and Michael share stories of listening to the bands music and other artists music and good, loud laughs. During one laughing fit, Luke starts coughing and his chest hurts and okay, he gets a little scared, because he kind of can’t breathe. His chest is tight and moving his lungs is ten times harder than before and his ribs really, really hurt, and oh my god, what is going on.
“Dude, are you okay?” Michael asks and Luke’s not really sure how to reply or even if he can. Michael puts a hand on Luke’s back, drawing shapes and telling him he’s okay and to try and breathe with him in an attempt to calm his body down.
“I think I have to get my binder off.” Luke’s sentence is airy and a little wheezy and he gets cut off by his coughs and he feels so unintelligent right now because he knows he should have taken it off but did he? Of course not. He’ll probably be fine once he gets it off he’s just scared right now and his hand finds his way to Michael’s other one and squeezes.
“Okay, that’s okay, you’ll be alright Luke,” Michael rummages around his bag before pulling a few things out (Luke is dizzy and just trying to breathe, he doesn’t really have time to look at Michael’s belongings like a fucking What’s In My Bag haul), “Ashley! Can you watch these? I have to go run Luke across the street.”
Luke doesn’t know who Ashley is or what’s across the street but he’s thankful for whatever favour the two of them are doing for him as Michael pulls his (sorry) ass up off the ground and wraps an arm around him. The noises outside sound louder than before and the lights feel brighter and Luke is never doing this again. He swears this is going to be the year he makes better decisions.
“You’re doing really good, Luke. Just a couple more feet and we’ll be inside and we can go right into the bathroom. You’ve got this, yeah!” Michael is endearingly sweet, Luke feels like he’s about to tear up a little once they get into what he presumes is a gas station. Michael leaves him for a minute and Luke hears him horridly talking to someone before returning back with a set of keys and taking Luke’s hand again and Luke is eternally blessed for meeting Michael tonight. He thinks when he isn’t about to suffocate to death should get them a fruit basket or, like, a Green Day vinyl.
Michael leads him into a bathroom with chipping pastel paint and fluorescent lights that Luke guesses used to be a decent amount brighter than they are now and a checkered tile floor beneath their feet make their shoes squeak. Luke’s leaning up against the sink, knuckles white on the counter and head hung low.
“This is gonna sound really, really weird but…can you help me?” Luke chews at his lip, his arms tremble and his knees knock and while he’d rather not expose himself to a new friend tonight he’s not sure if he could move more than a couple yards before passing out.
Michael nods, helping him turn around and get his shirt off, playing with the clasps on the back of the binder that cuts off right under Luke’s ribs trying to get them undone. When they do, Luke inhales deeply with eyes screwed shut so tight. He’s relieved but he’s awfully uncomfortable still making for a strange feeling that sits in his chest. Luke’s ribs are coloured with bruises, odd yellows and purples and blues scattered across him and lined with a few scars.
“Shit, you need a new binder, don’t you? Or did you just really wear this one for too long today?” Michael asks quietly, trying to keep the surprise and concern in their heart from climbing up to their face.
“I guess so…” Luke doesn’t have the heart to tell Michael that not all of those injuries are from the binder, that there’s probably only one or two from over-wearing. It’s painfully quiet and Luke’s torn between trying to get air and thinking of what to say.
“Here. There’s a tank top and one of my shirts that I think will be loose on you so it’ll look baggy. If you put the tank top on it’ll keep everything like…in place I guess and the baggy shirt will make you look like you still have your binder on,” Michael speaks softly, looking at Luke’s face in the mirror and sliding over the articles of clothing, “I can turn around if you want. I don’t know if you still need help or anything.”
Luke shifts on his feet, “Uh, if you could help me that’d be great. Sorry if this is weird and shit. I guess I just wasn’t thinking…”
“Arms out front, and then up so I can get the tops on,” Michael shakes their head as they help Luke pull his binder off and reaching for the tank top, putting it on with the gentlest touch, “You’re fine, it happens. Really I’m not bothered by it, a body is just a body. Not that I’m looking at you because that’d be gross, I have your consent to help you not stare at you. But I don’t see why people make such big fusses over bodies like, everyone has one, I don’t see the big deal.”
Luke nods his head in agreement, looking up at the ceiling, it’s still but he’s too scared to look at Michael. Like if he does something will get fucked up. Michael is such a wonderful angel and Luke doesn’t think he’s ever felt so loved and accepted than he has in the past couple hours. He never wants to go home, he just wants to sit outside the run-down venue in the city that has graffiti on the back side with Michael.
“So, do you always carry around shirts or did I just get extremely lucky?”
Michael pulls their shirt down over his head, careful not to bend anything the wrong way or get anything stuck and laughs a little, “Actually, I do. I have a tank top, an extra shirt, pair of pants, binder, y’know, the works. ‘Cause even if I don’t need it you never know who might.”
“Michael, what the hell? That’s literally so nice.”
“I guess I’m just like that,” They say, shrugging their shoulders and spinning Luke around, straightening out the shirt, “There you go, handsome. Lookin’ all spiffy again. Do you feel better?”
Luke smiles at Michael’s nickname for him, feeling his cheeks heat up a little and looking down for just a second. He looks in the other mirror on the side of the bathroom. His hair is a little bit of a mess, the quiff he had earlier having fallen down and tuffs sticking up everywhere, but he looks alright. The slightly oversized Good Charlotte shirt fitting him well enough to make him look almost if not completely flat again. He pulls Michael in for a hug, taking them by surprise.
“Thank you so much, honestly. Like, I really can’t elaborate enough on how much it means.” He says into the other’s shoulder before loosening his grip and pulling away. Luke swears Michael is made of the fucking cosmos and is worth more than all the worlds ever.
“Don’t worry about it. Now, let’s get you back to the venue so you can meet Laura.” Michael beams at Luke and takes his hand again, making sure they both get back to the venue alright. Michael continually checks in on Luke and stays by his side the rest of the night, letting him lean on them when he starts to get tired and checking in with how he’s feeling. They carry on conversation between themselves about good times and bad times and nice parents and mean parents and laughing and crying and laughing until you’re crying. They start to exchange words with Ashley, from earlier, and Michael’s other friends. They all speak to Luke kindly and bring smiles to his face and he clicks well with everyone and he’s just so fucking happy.
He doesn’t think it gets better until Laura starts walking over to their group and Luke whispers to Michael that he’s gonna shit his pants and Michael laughs so hard they almost fall over. Laura is an actual angel, just like Luke thought she’d be, she asks everyone’s names and already knows Michael’s. When she get to Luke he thanks her too many times and almost cries and they make good conversation, she tells him he’s strong and he can do anything and that he has such a bright future. Luke knows he’ll carry those words with him and make them count for all of his life. She also says that Luke is a very nice name and yes, Luke does a die a little inside.
She spends what feels like forever out with all of them, letting them know that the rest of the band are sleeping and that they’re sorry but they hope that they put a good show on for them which she is assured that yes, yes they did. After she leaves Luke does cry and hold both of Michael’s hands and jumps up and down because oh my god he just met Laura Jane Grace and life is so good and he is so happy. Everyone congratulates him and Luke is just over the moon. And when Michael asks if they can take Luke to their favourite place in the city because they want to show him the stars, he agrees instantly.
On the way there, Luke sends his mother who will not speak his name a message reading “I met someone who loves my name tonight, and someone who might love me. I’m happy and will be home late tomorrow (maybe). Xx” and he lets the night live long through stories and music and wishes on shooting stars.