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The afternoon continued on without him.
Kaz was aware of the time; the sounds of the door opening and closing, people shuffling in and out, the evening activities happening around him. He stayed in his chair, dozing through it all.
His body felt heavy. He couldn’t quite open his eyes. Even when he got the strangest sense he was being talked about in the next room, he couldn’t make his presence known. The idea of his partners speaking of him and the compromised state he was in just now, asleep in the living room, didn’t both him as much as it should. It was a mere passing thought through the static of his mind.
God, was this being relaxed? Not having his joints creak or his leg cramp or do anything other than exist? Was this how it felt to not be in pain?
It wasn’t until afternoon stretched into late evening that Kaz found the energy to open his eyes. The living room was dark.
Someone was by his chair.
‘’Hey, you want to come upstairs?’’
While he’d found the energy to be awake, Kaz recalled enough of earlier to remember feeling foggy. He still felt that way, only now… it didn’t bother him as much. He was more focused on the hand of his lover, carding through his hair. It felt… nice.
He didn’t want him to stop.
‘’Kaz? Kaz, can we go upstairs?’’
Yes. Kaz realized he hadn’t vocalized the response. He nodded at Matthais’ question.
Matthais bent to push the recliner down. Kaz forgot it was up. He hooked an arm through Kaz’s to help him up, something Kaz had been about to refuse, before he realized the sensation was… pleasant.
He liked Matthais’ arm in his, equally as much as he liked his hand in his hair.
He liked Matthais.
‘’C’mon, let’s go.’’ Matthais led the way through the darkened house to the staircase. ‘’I doubt the chair was all that comfortable.’’
They slowly walked up. Kaz’s haze was momentarily interrupted by the difficulty the stairs provided. Despite not feeling it as acutely as he was used to, his leg was stiff. It did not care for this upward trek, and twinged in protest with each careful shuffle. He took the steps one at a time, each foot having to go next to the other rather than alternating the steps. Matthais did not seem bothered, which irritated Kaz.
They reached the top. The other doors were closed on the second floor. Kaz wondered if all their partners were home. He knew he should know the answer, but didn’t. He scowled.
Matthais’ hand wound through his, his thumb caressing Kaz’s palm. ‘’Where do you want to go? Your room or someone else’s?’’
Though the house they occupied was big enough for them all to have their designated spaces, they were casual enough that one or more often slept in another’s bed. Aside from Kaz's and Inej’s rooms, the other bedrooms were practically interchangeable. Regardless, Kaz never liked to invite himself into someone else’s.
Through the grip the damned meds still had on him, he predicted Matthais’ reasoning before he shared it; ‘’I’d prefer someone else’s for tonight until this passes.’’ Kaz wanted to refute this, but was disarmed by his other hand going back to his hair. ‘’You don’t like us coming into your room, but we’d need to check on you to make sure your okay.’’
Kaz’s skin wasn’t so much crawling with contact as it was craving it. He wanted to arch into Matthais’ touch. He took hold of his hand before Matthais could lower it to his side. He ran his fingertips over his callouses, felt his short and smooth fingernails— a leftover diligent habit from his days as a solider. Each touch sparked a nerve in Kaz’s own fingers, making him shudder.
‘’Kaz?’’
‘’Hmm?’’
‘’What do you think?’’ Matthais asked gently. So gently, Kaz considered if he perhaps had to repeat himself several times before he had responded. ‘’Where should you sleep?’’
‘’I—‘’ Kaz frowned, trying to think through the haze. It was hard to take his attention off Matthais’ hands. His strong, soft hands… ‘’Is it…?’’
‘’Is it what?’’
‘’Isn’t it…’’ Kaz bit his lip, the words refusing to come. ‘’Later?’’
He saw Matthais’ chest rise in laughter before he heard him. ‘’Excuse you?’’
There he was, being amused again. ‘’Later,’’ Kaz clarified. ‘’It’s later? Now?’’
‘’In a manner of speaking.’’
Bastard was smirking. ‘’You said later. Don’t you keep your word?’’
This might’ve been a convincing argument had his words not slurred, and if he hadn’t leaned forward with speaking them, almost causing him to lose his balance. If pain medicine relived him of pain so much so that he forgot to be mindful of his knee, how was it helping him? Couldn’t it set him up to damage it further?
Hmm, that was a good argument. He had to remember that for next time.
Wait, he was in the middle of arguing for something now.
Was he winning? He didn’t feel like he was wining, with the way Matthais looked like he was enjoying himself.
‘’You are tired. You spent the day half asleep.’’
‘’Half,’’ Kaz repeated.
‘’I’m not— you’re— We’re—‘’
Ah, Kaz was winning. The light on the stairwell was just bright enough to reveal Matthais’ slight blush. ‘’You said—‘’
‘’I know what I said.’’
‘’And now it’s—‘’
‘’I’m not arguing with—‘’
Kaz placed his hand under his chin and, when met with no resistance, kissed him.
Long and slow, the touch sending signals to nerves once upon a time Kaz never knew he had. He just wanted more of this feeling.
Matthais was kissing him back. He ducked his head when Kaz leaned forward for more. He felt the stab of disappointment until Matthais sighed. ’’Alright, Brekker,’’ he relented in a whisper. ‘’You win.’’
Now it was Kaz’s turn to smirk.
Matthais led him to his room. Kaz liked the darkness of it, complete compared to the dimness of the hall. His hands rested on Matthais’ cheeks, stealing another kiss. His tongue traced his mouth, savoring the taste. Matthais carded his hand through his hair and Kaz’s heightened nerves relished the feeling even more than before. He felt Matthais tap his shirt collar. Off?
Kaz felt clumsy trying to comply. He needed the shirt off. He needed Matthais to touch him. He needed to feel his hands on him and wrap himself in his essence.
The shirt was tossed to the floor. The kissing resumed, and when Matthais’s hands rested on Kaz’s bare sides, his gasps were swallowed by Matthais’ mouth. Those rough callouses Kaz had felt with his fingertips prior he now felt grazing his sides, rubbing circles into skin.
Touch was much like Inej’s laugh. Kaz could get drunk on it.
Matthais guided him back until they were against the wall. The support was welcoming. Matthais’ weight leaned against him, grounding him here against the fuzziness that had returned to his head. He moved from Kaz’s lips to his chin, his ear, his neck, each nip more intoxicating then the last.
Kaz bit his lip against a moan. He rolled his hips.
‘’You know how much I love you.’’ The statement, not question, was said into his collarbone, right before another kiss was planted there. ‘’You know how stubborn, singleminded, insistent you can be?’’ Those immaculate fingernails, grazing his side. ‘’It’s enough to make one— to make one—‘’
To make a partner lose their words when Kaz himself often lost his never failed to fill him with pride. His grin showed when Matthais moved back to his neck. ’’That’s the trouble with you. There’s no making anything of you, is there?’’
‘’Hmm.’’ Another grin, this one against Matthais' mouth.
Kaz didn’t realize he was falling, falling again as the lightness was replaced with the former heaviness. They were moving again, Matthais guiding him back and sitting on the bed. He made to pull Kaz forward, but Kaz paused, frozen between his legs.
‘’What is it?’’ Matthais cupped his chin. Kaz jerked away. ‘’What’s wrong?’’
He tried to remove his hands, perhaps assuming his tolerance for touch was over, but that wasn’t what Kaz wanted. He kept his hands in his, forcing his hazy thoughts to organize.
Matthais sitting on the bed, making to pull Kaz with him… He wanted him to lay down, rest. That wasn’t what he wanted. Not yet. Kaz wanted… he wanted more.
More.
‘’I— I need—‘’
‘’What?’’ Matthias prompted. ‘’What do you need?’’
Kaz turned those entrancing hands over in his. Then slowly, checking for his own partner's consent, he made to adjust himself on Matthais’ lap.
He clasped his hands around his boyfriend’s neck. ‘’I want…’’ Kaz had to force the words out, unsure where the drugs' influence ended and where his hesitancy at intimacy started. ‘’I want… you said I could—‘’
‘’You can do whatever you want,’’ Matthais replied. Factually, easily. It was probably the truth. God help the Fjerdian.
Another time Kaz could reflect and tease and concoct other scenarios to make Matthais regret every uttering that admission. But right now, he was the one bordering on regret. Not of the action, but of his own admission. ‘’I— I need—‘’
‘’Okay.’’ Hands on his side, holding him in place, ready to yield to whatever Kaz decided. ‘’Okay. I’ve got you.’’
I’ve got you. How freeing it was to fall when you knew there was someone there to catch you.
With this consent, Kaz rested his forehead against Matthais’. He closed his eyes. He gave in to desire.
He rolled his hips, writhing, grinding against Matthais. He kept to a steady rhythm, reveling in the feeling of Matthais’ hands on his side, moving alongside him. The friction replaced the fogginess in being the only thing he could think about, wonder at, and focus on. Unlike the fogginess, he wanted to chase the feeling, follow it and let it take him to wherever it should so chose.
He was building steadily. He couldn’t stop the small gasp that he breathed against Matthais’ face, as close as they were. Any further moans were swallowed by Matthais when he raised his head, lips colliding in a kiss where they belonged.
Kaz was letting the rhythm falter. Matthais’ hands though were unyielding, keeping him to maintain the established beat. ‘’Almost,’’ the word spoken directly into Kaz’s mouth. ‘’Almost there, demjin.’’
If one asked what nickname the Bastard of the Barrel would be called by those who loved him— assuming he had loved ones, of course— it would be a fair bet to assume it would be something along the lines of demon or devil.
But the way Matthais said it to the man wreaking himself against him, it might’ve been as dear a term of endearment as baby or sweetheart. Perhaps more beloved, because while being said with love, it was also true. It acknowledged power even in moments of need, moments of weakness. Moments of trust and love such as this.
When the rhythm faltered again, Matthais let it. At Kaz’s guided hand, Matthais bent to his orders of where to place his own. His fingers enveloped Kaz. Two thrusts into his cupped hand brought Kaz to completion.
He fell, tumbled over the edge into a haze not topped by any pain medication he’d tried thus far. If any points from his meds could be considered, it was that he was not immediately consumed by anxiety that he’d misjudged his partner’s enthusiasm, that he had somehow done it wrong, or was filled with regret and dismay that he’d taxed his ability for close contact. No, this time, he stayed where he belonged, which was in his partners’ grasp, filled with nothing but gratefulness at himself and whatever power may or may not exist in the universe that saw fit to put his partners in his life.
Matthais ran his hand along his back. ‘’So good... So beautiful for me...’’
Kaz buried his face in his shoulder at the praise.
They stayed there a moment, Kaz enveloped in his embrace. Warm, sated, loved. He felt his blush on his face, felt his satisfaction from his head to his toes.
Matthais kissed his temple. He adjusted them, moving to lay down. This time, Kaz yielded.
They gently maneuvered, Kaz not wanting to let go and Matthais wanting to be mindful of his leg. Kaz was laying against his boyfriend’s chest, eyes fluttering at every stroke through his hair. His breathing was evening out, making it a struggle to speak; ‘’M—Matthais?’’
‘’Yes?’’
‘’I—‘’ He should be angry at this inability to articulate, to offer in return what was bestowed upon him. He liked things equal. He did not like to receive if he could not give back. ‘’I— don’t you—?’’
Once again, he felt the laugh before he heard it. ‘’Later, love,’’ was Matthais’ teasing reply.
Instead of being offended at his amusement, Kaz shared in it. He let himself sleep.