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Kaz was having a good day.
He was surprised at this, because when he woke up that morning he’d been in a foul mood. His mind was preoccupied with trying to sort out a problem with an upcoming scheme he’d been working on, retribution for a new gang that had made it’s home in Ketterdam, and his leg had been pounding with displeasure at the storm that was happening somewhere to the east of the city, far enough away to give blue skies, but close enough to inflict it’s barometric pressure on his bones.
Kaz didn’t know what changed, but he knew when not to look a gift horse in the mouth and just revel in the switch. His mind felt calmer, the ache in his leg wasn’t as bad walking around this afternoon, attending to some errand with Matthais by his side. Going out had been another thing that irked him that morning, the idea of having to stand in line for this menial task. But now he didn’t care. Truth be told, he couldn’t quite recall what they were here for anyway.
It was funny that he couldn’t remember. He remembered everything. All well, hardly mattered. Kaz was fairly certain Matthais knew, standing as he was right behind him, eyes focused on the front of the line. It was moments like these Kaz could see what Nina meant by calling Matthais so serious. He was very serious looking. Or more… stern like? Complacent? Neutral expression-esque? Hmm, surely there was a more accurate way to phrase it.
Kaz cast a glance up at Matthais’ face. The desire to kiss him was strong.
This thought made Kaz’s lips twitch. He averted his gaze to keep Matthais from seeing. He was in a good mood; Public displays of affection were not something he enjoyed, let alone thought about initiating. Maybe there was something in the air, some variable he could attribute his mood to. He tried to think on that and not on the tall, muscular blonde standing behind him.
This wasn’t easy to do. Despite his leg being improved from the stiffness he’d experienced this morning, it wasn’t enjoying the process of standing still as they were. As he made his good leg bear most of his weight, Kaz found himself also leaning against Matthais’ chest, so gradually he wasn’t aware he was shifting his weight to him until Matthais moved one hand to Kaz’s hip, resting gently on the spot he knew the pain would eventually settle.
Kaz heaved a huffy sigh (or was it one of contentment?), and let his head fall back against Matthais. He had a few inches in height on him, something Kaz hadn’t thought anything of until now. He decided he liked the difference. It was just right.
‘’Something wrong?’’ Matthais inquired when Kaz turned suddenly.
‘’No.’’ Kaz rested a hand on his cheek and gave in to the temptation, kissing him slow and long, enjoying the sensations that traveled up his spine at the contact. He could feel Matthais’ surprise, but he returned the kiss with fervor.
Kaz liked kissing. He really, really did. This had been a pleasant discovery. He’d spent many years not thinking of the act, labeling it as something he could never do with his limitations. And then when he committed to overcoming his aversions, he’d feared perhaps it would be something he wouldn’t enjoy. But to his surprise, he did enjoy it. A lot.
Matthais kissed differently from Inej, just as she kissed differently from Nina, and on and on through their partners. It was interesting. Kaz would never hazard whose style he liked best, only enjoyed reveling in the presence of whoever it was he was kissing. Right now, it was Matthais.
Shame he couldn’t hook his cane on his arm. Then he could touch Matthais’ face with both hands.
Matthais ended the kiss, pulling back with a smile. ‘’What was that for?’’ He inquired pleasantly.
‘’I don’t know.’’ Kaz wanted to kiss him again. He watched his finger as it traced Matthais’ jawline. ‘’Was it unwanted?’’
‘’Oh no,’’ he assured, ‘’Just surprised Kaz Brekker didn’t have a reason.’’
‘’I don’t need a reason. I take what I want.’’
‘’Ah. Then by all means.’’
Kaz took that as an invitation for another kiss, one just as long and slow, savoring the touch of his love. He could feel Matthais still smiling. ‘’We are in public, Brekker.’’
‘’So?’’ Maybe people were staring, but Kaz didn’t care. He wanted to keep kissing Matthais. He felt light, hazy, and wanted to keep standing in his embrace and warmth and he didn’t give two sticks who knew it.
‘’You usually call for more decorum.’’
‘’You think I have need for ‘more decorum’?’’
‘’I think…’’ Matthais put a hand on his shoulder, giving him a gentle, cursory look, ‘’Your new meds are really working for you.’’
‘’Meds?’’ Kaz didn’t understand.
‘’Your new ones. You started them a few days ago, remember?’’
A vague memory of opening a new pill bottle in the kitchen surfaced in his mind. ‘’Let’s see how these ones screw me up,’’ he’d said cheerfully, provoking an eye roll from Nina and Matthias, a sigh from Inej and Wylan, and an encouraging cheer from Jesper.
Of course. Now everything made sense. Why his mood had changed and his pain lessened. Even why he was so comfortably tolerating Matthais' touch in this public space. It was some side effect.
‘’Kaz?’’ Matthais voice sounded strange through his thoughts.
‘’Yeah, I remember.’’ It was with a little forlornness Kaz removed his hand from Matthais.
‘’You okay?’’
‘’Fine.’’ He could feel his scowl returning. ‘’Just drugged up on some useless meds again, apparently.’’
‘’As far as side effects go, it’s not a terrible one.’’
‘’Acting like an idiot? Really?’’
‘’Acting like my idiot,’’ Matthais corrected, ‘’And who knows? Maybe it’s temporary.’’
Kaz doubted that. Now that Matthais pointed it out, it seemed obvious to him that all his feelings were not his own. Not really.
Because his senses were dulled, Kaz struggled to compensate by focusing, forcing himself out of his hazy state of mind. But his thoughts were sluggish, the world was too bright, and he still couldn’t recall why they were here, what he was doing. And despite knowing it was the drugs, he really wanted to keep kissing Matthais.
‘’Kaz?’’ Matthais hand was back on his hip. He used his other to turn him back to face him. ‘’Kaz? You sure you’re okay?’’
‘’I…’’ It was hard to speak. Not like when he was panicking, when he couldn’t speak, but in a different way, as if he knew whatever came tumbling out of his mouth wasn’t going to make much sense if he didn’t think about it very, very carefully. ‘’I… I don’t know what I’m doing.’’
‘’No?’’ Was he amused? Kaz didn’t want to be found amusing.
‘’I want to go home.’’
‘’We can do that,’’ Matthais assured, ‘’We’re almost done here.’’ Were they? Kaz wasn’t sure if they’d moved in line at all. ‘’Can you hold on a little bit longer?’’
‘’Hmm.’’ The small bit of Kaz that remained above the drugs’ influence recognized in that one grunt of accession, he’d yielded control to Matthias. The rest of him felt relieved of the burden.
They resumed their previous position, Kaz leaning with his back against Matthais, and now Matthais wrapped both arms loosely around Kaz. Kaz let his eyes close in the embrace. ‘’Kiss me?’’ He ventured.
‘’You sure?’’
Again, what was with the amusement in his tone? ‘’Why wouldn’t I be?’’
‘’It’s just… I don’t want to do anything you realize you might not want… later.’’
Ah, so that was it. Not an unfounded assumption, Kaz could see, even in his current state. In the early days of their relationships, often he had had to test his limits to see what he could and could not stand, and learn when he could and could not stand it. Sometimes, he’d pushed himself too far, assuring his partners he wanted them only to end up panicking or worse moments later.
He supposed he should feel grateful that Matthais didn’t want to ‘take advantage’ as it were. But Kaz just felt slightly annoyed. I’m the Bastard of the Barrel. Dirtyhands. If I want to kiss my boyfriend goddamn it…
He’d meant to convey that to Matthais. He didn’t know if he did or if something else came out of his mouth. Whatever it was made Matthais laugh in amusement at his drugged up state, which Kaz once again did not appreciate. But it made him kiss him again, which Kaz did appreciate.
Matthais gave him two more kisses on the lips before standing as he had before, arms still around Kaz. Occasionally, he nuzzled his neck, planting a kiss or two right on the pulse point, the spot Kaz famously loved to seek out among his lovers.
Kaz allowed the drugged haze to sweep him away completely, numbly yielding to Matthais when they walked on or when they stopped. He wasn’t aware of much; not when their errand ended and when exactly they exited and were outside again, or when they got into a car and drove home. He was only aware of how tired he was, the fuzziness to his thoughts, and how inexplicably content he felt.
Matthais had a few more things on his mind. Namely, how to get Kaz Brekker home without laughing out loud. He wasn’t taking pleasure in this- okay, maybe a little pleasure, but not in a cruel way. It had been months of watching silently as Kaz was prescribed one med after another that was supposed to help alleviate his pain, only for it to inflict some little known side effect on him. It had been painful for all involved, most of all Kaz, and so this reprieve in the form of a side affect that didn’t hurt him but made him, well, sweet, was welcomed in comparison.
For sweet was what the boy he used to call demjin could be once the hardness of his necessary persona was stripped away. It was sweet the way he called Jesper ‘Jes’. It was sweet the way he never returned from the Stave without buying Nina the candies she liked, leaving them wordlessly on the counter. It was sweetness that prompted him to hunt down the old books Inej recalled from her lost childhood, and sweetness that made him provide Wylan with no end of supplies for his experiments, their usefulness for heists be damned.
And it was sweet the way he turned to him in the store just now, his brow furrowed with contemplation in what he wanted, realizing it was Matthais’ kiss, and sweet the way he went to obtain it without a second thought. Matthais didn’t know when the goal of wanting Brekker to be as comfortable with his touch as he was with Inej’s and Jesper’s arose in him, but the thrill of the moments that served as proof he’d accomplished it never ceased to fulfill him.
One could not love Kaz Brekker without loving his scheming mind. Matthais did not enjoy the fact it was dulled by this latest failed attempt at pain relief. He only enjoyed the cuteness of his expressions as his lowered inhibitions tried to comprehend what was different, and why he couldn’t keep kissing Matthais to his heart’s content. Personally, Matthais didn’t have any objections to being kissed by Kaz Brekker as many times as Kaz Brekker wished to kiss him. But he hated the idea that he might to anything to betray the trust he’d so carefully won.
As time went on, Matthais was beginning to doubt how much of the day Kaz would even remember, especially on the ride in the cab home. Kaz stayed leaning against him much as he had in the store, now with his head on his shoulder. He was facing the other way, but Matthais could tell his eyes were half closed, and only hoped he’d stay awake long enough to not have a rude awakening once they reached the house. Really, he was almost unrecognizable completely relaxed like this, no tautness discernible in his face or body. It was a shame this medicine rendered him tired. Otherwise, it was clearly doing it’s job of relieving him of pain.
They made it home. Once inside, Matthais helped Kaz out of his coat and shoes. ‘’You think you can make it up the stairs?’’
Kaz frowned at him, brown eyes scrunched in contemplation. ‘’Why?’’
‘’Because you look like you’re about to pass out.’’
‘’I’m not.’’ He went further into the house, making it into the living room.
Matthais followed, eyes quick to notice his partner’s unsteady and swaying pace. He wasn’t quick to notice the way Kaz grabbed his hand as he passed, pulling him close. ‘’Wait.’’
Matthias unsuccessfully tried to hide his smirk as Kaz’s fingers tapped his arm, their silent signal for a kiss, or… more. He obliged both Kaz and himself with the former. ‘’Tell you what,’’ he said, guiding them to step back, closer to the big armchair in the living room, ‘’I’ll make you a deal.’’ The expression Kaz made at this clear mockery of him by this phrasing Matthias found adorable. ‘’Later, if your offer still stands… I’m all yours. Okay?’’
‘’Why later?’’
His speech was slurred from exhaustion. Matthais shrugged. ‘’No reason.’’
Kaz scowled again. ‘’Deal,’’ he huffed. Because he was Dirtyhands Brekker, he got the last word in, stealing another slow and long kiss from Matthias.
He settled himself in the recliner. Matthais turned in the direction of the kitchen, now secure in letting his smile encompass his face. Was he blushing? He heard the click of the chair as Kaz reclined it. Hopefully, the darkened house and state of Kaz’s mind hid this fact well enough.
Matthais was only in the kitchen a few minutes, but when he looked back into the living room he saw what he expected; Kaz, curled against the chair cushions, eyes closed, laying at an angle with his legs partly on the outstretched ottoman.
Matthias admired the rare peace on his face before quietly returning to the living room. Kaz preferred to sleep curled on his side, legs bent in such a way that he paid for upon waking. Matthais gently gripped his legs and straightened them. Even under the effects of the drug, Kaz reacted to this light touch. ‘’It’s okay, just me,’’ Matthais said.
He took a throw blanket from the couch and draped it over Kaz. He’d already let his eyes close again.