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Newt rests against the wall he has just finished building, closing his eyes as he takes slow, deep, breaths. His lung is in the end stages of healing from the knife wound but he still wants to be careful with it until he’s been given the complete okay from the doctors. The thought makes him open his eyes, immediately spotting Thomas out of everyone in the Safe Haven. He was off to the side, away from all the others, just like always.
Ever since they got to the Safe Haven, Thomas has been withdrawn. He barely talks to anyone, only doing so when it’s necessary. He won’t spend time with the others by the fire or enjoy anything anymore. Newt hates it, he’s tried to talk to the other about it but he never gets an answer. Vince has told him to give Thomas space, saying that everything that has happened is just weighing heavily on his shoulders. But Newt misses Thomas, it felt like Thomas wouldn’t even look at him anymore.
It hurts more than he’d like to admit to suddenly lose him. Thomas is one of his best friends and someone he is in a romantic relationship with. When he got the flare he had treated Thomas in ways he didn’t like, his jealousy getting worse and making him lash out. He hated it, he hated being unable to control himself and his mind. But Thomas understood, he had been so understanding and Newt is so thankful for him.
He thought he wouldn’t survive the flare, he thought it was over. He thought that he would never get to live with Thomas, never get to know peace. But he was wrong. He had miraculously survived the virus and his wounds; he barely missed his own heart when he stabbed himself. It had taken a lot of healing, his body and mind were weak from how far along the virus was and on top of that his lung needed to be fixed up. It had been a long process and all he wanted was to be with Thomas. But he couldn’t have what he wanted.
Thomas wouldn’t come and see him at all when he was recovering. It made the whole thing worse. Newt has been through a lot, especially a lot of healing. When he broke his leg during his suicide attempt he didn’t want any company when he was healing. He hadn’t wanted to see anyone or hear them talk about what happened. Back then, even when surrounded by friends, he felt alone. He realises that that isn’t the truth but back then it felt like he was disconnected and it was him against the world. It had felt horrible to have people coming to see him and trying to make him feel better when he felt guilty and didn’t want to see them.
But this was different. He has grown since then and he knows it’s no longer him against the world so he wanted to see his friends. He wanted them to know he’s okay and he wanted their support. He had gotten support from the others but he really wanted to see Thomas above everything else. He loves Thomas and he can remember their last meeting before he awoke in Safe Haven, he wanted to let Thomas know it was okay and apologize for what happened. However, since they got here it’s like Thomas can’t even look at him, always looking at his feet or the ground if Newt approaches him. It breaks his heart and he wonders if Thomas just can’t forgive him for what he did.
Newt hates it, he can’t even look at himself in the mirror some days because of it. On some days it’s even bad enough he feels himself falling into a place he hasn’t been in since he was first put in the maze. On those days everything weighs too heavily on him and he feels alone, no matter who surrounds him or what he’s doing that day. It often ends in him distancing himself from the others for the day and trying to find something, anything, that will stop his mind from telling him how he shouldn’t have survived the flare. That he should have been left on the ground for dead or how he should have stabbed just a few inches to the side and actually hit his heart instead of just his lung. Those days he can’t bear to think about Thomas, it just makes it worse.
Thinking about Thomas hating him makes his chest physically hurt. He loves Thomas more than anything else, if Thomas hates him he really doesn’t think he’ll be able to handle it. Thomas is the person he loves the most on this Earth and the younger boy has made life worth living. Ever since he ran into the maze Newt knew that he would follow Thomas and help him in any way that he could. He believed Thomas would be the one to get them out of the maze and he was right. Thomas has led them where they needed to be every time, even if he didn’t believe in himself. It made Newt love him even more.
The Thomas that ghosted around the Safe Haven isn’t the same one that the Gladers knew. It was a broken version of him and no one could get through to him and figure out why. It was eating Newt up inside. He wanted to give the younger space in case that is what he truly needed but if Thomas needs support he wants to be there. He can’t take all of this waiting, the longer it takes the worse he feels. Thomas and him haven’t spoken a word to each other in a month and Newt isn’t even sure if they’re still dating and that thought hurts more than anything. That’s why Newt refuses to think about it, thinking about the fact that this could be Thomas’s way of breaking up with him only led him down a dark mental path.
Thomas stands from his task and walks off into the village, somewhere that Newt can’t see from his spot, so he turns away to look at his building. The building itself isn’t anything fancy, Newt is only one man after all, but it does mean something to him. When Thomas and him used to talk, before they escaped the Glade and before the hardships of the scorch when they were sharing a bunk and able to whisper to each other about what they wanted out of their new life, they had planned out what they wanted their home to look like. They wanted two bedrooms so they could have friends over, Newt wanted some place he could have some flowers and herbs, Thomas wanted a big main room that they could hang out and do things together in. They had talked for hours about the life they wanted when they were no longer worried about keeping others and themselves safe. Newt still wants that life so he is working towards it.
He’s finished most of it, he just needs to finish some details inside of the actual home. He isn’t much of a builder, not like others that worked as a builder in the Glade would be, but he still knew a fair share about it. As second-in-command he helped out wherever he was needed, even if he preferred working in the gardens. So he knows what he is doing and he has Vince look it over after he finishes parts of it so he can be sure that it is all up to standards and that it won’t fall down around him anytime soon.
Newt wants everything to be perfect. Especially for Thomas. He isn’t sure how Thomas feels about him now but he remembers how happy the younger man had been about the idea of them living a life together without being worried about WICKED constantly on their backs. Thomas had been so happy then, when he thought they were safe and free from their lives as WICKED test subjects. Newt wants to be able to give that feeling back to Thomas, he wants Thomas to be happy and carefree. He wants to show Thomas that it is still possible, that they are free now and that they can live their lives however they want.
The building is away from the village, giving them a bit of privacy. It is on the edge of the beach that lines the island they now live on. It will make a good home away from the others and get them away from the hustle and bustle that is always happening in the Safe Haven village. Newt makes his way through the front door and starts to look around, taking note of everything and making a mental list of all the things he’ll have to finish up before having Vince look it completely over so they can move furniture into it.
It seems like he’ll have it finished by the end of the week and the thought makes him both excited and nervous. While he’s doing all of this for him and Thomas he doesn’t really know how the other will react. If Thomas doesn’t like it, or refuses to talk to him, he’s not sure what he will do. He needs Thomas back. His Thomas. His Tommy. Being apart from him like this is torturous and he longs to just cuddle in bed with him or share a meal with him. It’s exciting to think about the possibility that he’ll be able to be with his boyfriend like that again but it’s nerve wracking not knowing if he’ll ever truly get to be like that with him.
“It looks good Newt, I think it’s done,” Vince states, looking around the living room that they have just finished moving furniture into.
Newt looks around, taking it all in. It really only has basic furniture in it, there are no personal touches added to it. Newt doesn’t want to go all out on decorating in case Thomas doesn’t react well or decides to end it with him, he won’t be staying here if that happens. He’ll give it to one of the other couples at the Safe Haven that doesn’t have a house yet, like his sister and Harriet, he’s sure they’ll love it.
“Yeah,” He hums, turning his attention to Vince.
“Don’t worry, I’m sure he’ll love it,” Vince tries to assure him, a hand coming up to squeeze his shoulder. “He really does love you, even if he’s pulled back. I remember when we first got here… Thomas woke up a few days after we got here and we fixed up his wounds. He thought you were gone… He didn’t know that we had been able to get you out of there after he gave you the serum. He was worse than he is now but when he found out that you were recovering he was at your side for a long time. He’d talk with the others but he never left your room.”
Newt frowns softly, he didn’t know any of that. No one has really talked to him about how Thomas acted before he woke up, it was always about how he acts now. “I didn’t know that. After I woke up he refused to come and see me.”
Vince gives him a small, sad, smile. “I think that’s when he started pulling away, after he realised you’re okay.” He pulls back to glance out the window, towards the rest of the Safe Haven. “I think he blames himself for the whole thing. He holds a lot of guilt for everything that has happened and I think you getting to talk to him will do him a lot of good. He isn’t to blame for what happened to you but he doesn’t seem to understand that, no matter how many times me and Jorge tell him it’s not his fault it just doesn’t get through to him.”
“I just wish he’d talk to me. He hasn’t said a word to me since I was turning into a crank. I woke up and wanted to see him so badly and the others had to tell me that he refused to come and see me, that he wouldn’t talk about me or anything. He talks to the others when necessary but won’t say anything to me. He won’t even look at me…” Newt sighs softly. “I’m not sure if he loves me anymore.”
Vince quickly looks back at him, shaking his head. “Don’t say that. He loves you so much Newt. I can’t imagine him ever looking at someone the way he looks at you. Before all of this, before we saved Minho, I can remember how much time you two spent together. You were the only one that could get through that thick skull of his. That’s why I hope that this whole house will help him talk to you again, you’re the person that will be able to get through to him.” Vince squeezes his shoulder one final time before pulling back. “I’ll go get him and bring him here for you. I wish you luck.”
Newt nods, watching Vince leave before taking a deep breath to try and keep himself calm. While he is happy that the house is finished and that he’ll finally be able to talk to Thomas, he is more nervous and anxious than anything else. Vince said that Thomas feels guilty and still loves him, but Newt isn’t so sure. Thomas may feel guilty, Newt knows how Thomas can be. He still remembers how the younger boy blamed himself for what happened to Chuck and how it was a lot for him to work through. But he isn’t sure if Thomas still loves him and that scares him.
Newt circles the living room, nervously starting to pace around. He wants everything to turn out well, he wants Vince to be right about everything. His chest aches at the thought of Thomas not liking him anymore, at Thomas never speaking to him again after this. His stomach starts to hurt from the anxiety but he doesn’t get to think about it for long before the door opens and stops him in his tracks. “Here we are,” Vince says, motioning Thomas into the house.
Newt freezes, tensing up as he looks at Thomas. He hasn’t been this close to Thomas in weeks and his anxiety skyrockets at just being in a closed room with him again. To make sure that Thomas would even come they had Vince bring him, they weren’t sure if he’d come if Newt asked him to. But that also meant they weren’t sure how he would react when he saw Newt. Thomas seems to be in the same boat as him though, frozen after taking just a few steps into the house.
Vince looks between the two of them for a moment before clearing his throat. “Well, I’ll leave you two to talk.”
Newt watches Vince close the door to the house before looking back at Thomas. Thomas isn’t looking at him, instead glancing around the house and then at his feet. He isn’t quite sure what to say to the younger man, would it be weird to just start talking about everything? He takes a slow breath as he watches Thomas, anxiety bubbles in his stomach as the silence stretches between them but he knows he’ll have to be the one to make the first move.
“Been awhile since we’ve been alone,” He says, an awkward chuckle coming from him as he glances around. Thomas doesn’t respond to him but he does look up at him for what feels like the first time in forever. It makes his breath freeze in his chest and he has to manually remind himself to breathe out the air that is trapped in his lungs. Finally getting to see Thomas’s face like this makes him want to cry and he bites the inside of his cheek to stop himself from doing so. Thomas has always reminded him of Bark, the slicer’s dog that used to love following Thomas around. The two were similarly curious and Thomas had brown puppy dog eyes. But Thomas’s eyes look so heartbreaking right now and Newt doesn’t know why. Thomas hasn’t talked to him about anything that’s going on, he has been left completely in the dark. While that hurts him, it also hurts him to see Thomas so upset. “Thomas… Will you please talk to me? You haven’t spoken a word to me since I woke up. Did I do something? Are you upset with me for what I did when I was turning into a crank?” Newt asks, voicing questions that have been plaguing him since he first woke up in the Safe Haven.
“No! You haven’t done anything and I can’t be mad at you for what you did, you weren’t yourself,” Thomas quickly says.
Thomas’s voice sounds foreign against his ears, he hasn’t heard it in so long that it’s almost weird to hear it again. But it also makes him realise how much he has truly missed hearing his boyfriend talk. He can pick up on the emotion in Thomas’s voice, even if he hasn’t heard it in a while. It’s like he’s desperate and upset, just like Newt is. “Then what is it?” Newt asks, desperation clear in his voice as he practically pleads for answers. Thomas once again doesn’t answer, looking away from Newt to glance at a wall. It makes Newt’s chest ache. Something is wrong and it is obvious that he is the root of the problem. Thomas won’t talk to him and won’t tell him what’s wrong, he can say that Newt hasn’t done anything but that doesn’t seem like the truth. He takes a few steps closer. “Tommy… Baby please. You have to tell me what’s going on. Do you want to break up? If I’ve done something you have to tell me,” He pleads.
Thomas looks at him again and Newt can see the way tears start to line his eyes. “I… I can’t.”
“Why?” Newt pushes, taking a few steps forward. “You can’t just ignore me for the rest of our lives, it’s not right. If…” He cuts himself off with a sigh, glancing out of the window.
He almost voiced a thought that he hasn’t told anyone about before, one that he doesn’t even like to think about. It is a thought that often crept into his mind on bad days when he doesn’t have something to focus on, when he is left with his own thoughts and nothing to distract himself, which is often when he is laying in bed at night. “If what?” Thomas asks, his curiosity obviously getting the better of him.
Newt looks back at Thomas before looking away again, not wanting to look at the younger boy’s face. “If you weren’t going to talk to me anymore, if you were going to only look at me like something is wrong with me, then I wish you hadn't given me the serum. You should have left me there. You shouldn’t have brought me back.”
After it’s said a tense silence fills the room and after a few minutes Newt finally looks back at Thomas. The sight breaks his heart and he immediately regrets saying it. Thomas is staring at him with such a heartbroken face, the tears that were once just lining his eyes are now rolling down his cheeks. “How could you… I could never,” Thomas mumbles, voice cracking.
Newt shakes his head quickly, guilt eating away at him as he rushes over to wipe Thomas’s face. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” He quickly says. “Don’t cry. I’m sorry.”
Thomas shakes his head, a sob shaking his shoulders. “I’m sorry… I shouldn’t have ignored you. I just don’t want you to get hurt because of me. Everyone around me is always getting hurt and it’s always my fault. If I had pushed you to stay back with Gally you would have gotten the serum and been fine. Because of me it was almost too late. Because of me you stabbed yourself in the lung and almost died. I love you too much to ever risk your life.”
“No. No Thomas, none of that is your fault. Nothing was ever your fault, even when you worked for WICKED,” Newt tells him, cupping his face and using the grip to make sure Thomas is looking at him. “You were just a kid, they were manipulating you and you didn’t know any better. Nothing they have done has ever been your fault. Not us being put in the maze, not Chuck, not me. We all made our decisions and you can’t be at fault for them just as you can’t be at fault for WICKED’s decisions.” He continues to wipe away any tears that roll down Thomas’s face, trying to keep himself from crying. He wishes that Thomas had just told him how he was feeling rather than keeping it all to himself. “Is this why you wouldn’t talk to me? Did you think you were protecting me?”
Thomas doesn’t say anything for a moment but Newt doesn’t push him too, instead just wiping the tears that fall down his face. “I don’t want anyone else to get hurt because of me,” Thomas finally says.
“No one will get hurt because of you but pulling yourself away like this, ignoring the people that care about you, won’t do them any good at all. It won’t do you any good either Thomas,” He tells him, stressing the importance of his words as much as he can. “It hurts us to have you pull away from us and not talk to us. It hurts me . I love you Thomas, I’m your boyfriend. I’m supposed to be here to help you through this but you’ve just shut me out with no explanation.”
“I’m sorry,” Thomas mumbles, eyes closing.
It’s like Newt can physically feel and see the way tension drains from Thomas’s body, it's as if weight has been lifted off of the other’s body. Thomas falls into him but Newt just catches him, holding him close. “It’s okay,” He whispers, resting his head against the top of Thomas’s.
Thomas wraps his arms around him and buries his face into Newt’s shoulder, something that used to be common for the younger boy when he was upset. Newt’s happy that Thomas feels comfortable enough to act this way again but he feels guilty about the whole situation. He should have pushed Thomas to talk to him sooner, it would have stopped all of this from getting so bad.
He moves them over to the couch, settling down as carefully as he can before letting Thomas practically crumble onto him. They sit there in silence, or as silent as it can be with Thomas letting out occasional sobs. Newt just rubs his back, his cheek resting against the top of the younger’s head as he lets him cry as much as he needs. It’s heartbreaking listening to Thomas cry but Newt can tell that he needs it so he doesn’t say anything for right now. He just wants Thomas to feel better and he’ll do anything to achieve that.
After a little while Thomas’s sobs fade into just soft sniffles, his breathing evening out a bit. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to cry like that,” Thomas eventually mumbles, voice shaky.
“It’s okay,” Newt assures again. He pulls back so he can look at Thomas’s face, raising a hand to cup one of Thomas’s red cheeks. “Please don’t ever pull away from me like that again. I love you so much and I don’t ever want to be apart from you, I don’t care if you think you’re bad for me. It’s my decision to stay by your side and I will always do so. I’ve been by your side since you came up in the box and I don’t plan on ever leaving.”
Thomas raises his hand and rests it on top of Newt’s. “I just didn’t want you to get hurt because of me.”
“I haven’t ever been hurt because of you. You saved my life Tommy. If you hadn’t helped me back there, if you hadn’t given me the serum that was made out of your blood, then I wouldn’t be here with you anymore.” Newt shakes his head slightly. “You saved me, you have never hurt me aside from pulling away from me like this. This has been one of the worst times in my life because I have been so worried about you and I have missed you so much. We are together, I deserve to be part of any decision about you pulling away from me. I need you to communicate with me if you ever feel this way.”
“It feels like everything always revolved around me… I came up in the box and was suddenly doing things you guys were never able to do and it felt like people were always getting hurt around me. There was Ben, who should have been able to survive the sting and there was Alby who was doing better until I made it so that the doors wouldn’t close and they took him. Even Chuck died because of me, it should have been me that Gally shot, not him. All of your lives would have been so much easier without me around.” Thomas’s voice cracks as he talks and Newt can see the way he’s tearing up again before he turns to try and hide it.
Newt feels like his heart falls into his stomach when he hears Thomas. He knows how feeling that way can feel and he would never wish it on anyone, especially not Thomas. Thomas has been through so much, he deserves to be happy and enjoy their freedom. “No. No that’s not true,” Newt quickly says, turning Thomas’s face so that he’ll look at him. “You are the one that got us out of the maze. It’s not your fault that Ben attacked you and it’s not your fault that Alby was taken by grievers. It was WICKED. You can’t take accountability for them. If they hadn’t put us in there and made those things to kill us none of that would have happened. You came up and saved us.” Newt knows how Thomas feels, mostly because he too felt guilty for all of the death that happened in the maze. He could have done so much more to try and save everyone but he was in the maze a lot longer than Thomas, he’s had the time to think about how it was never truly any of their faults for what happened in the maze. It was WICKED’s fault for putting them in there. “You shouldn’t have been shot. No one should have been shot. We had gotten out fair and square but WICKED changed that by making Gally shoot someone. I don’t want you to feel that guilt Thomas. None of it was your fault. You have done so much for everyone and I can guarantee if you asked anyone here they would feel the same way. No one blames you for anything that happened.” Newt watches as Thomas thinks through everything he just said and he really hopes that he takes it to heart. Keeping those feelings locked up would do Thomas no good and would most likely make everything worse. “I don’t know if Jorge or Vince have told you, but there’s a woman in the medshack with Clint, Jeff, and a few others. She used to be a licensed psychologist. They’ve had me go a few times, they’ve had everyone from the mazes go in to talk to her at least once. You should talk to her about all of this.”
Thomas gives him an unsure look and Newt already knows what he’s thinking. “I’m not-”
“Thomas, she won’t judge you. It was her job to listen to people that feel the way you do. You don’t have to go to her if you don’t want to, but you should at least go once and see how it feels. It would be good for you, you can’t live with this guilt for the rest of your life. Especially if it’s going to make you pull away from your loved ones,” Newt quickly says, cutting him off. “I love you so much. I don’t want you to feel like you have to pull away from us because you’re scared of something happening.”
“I’ll think about it,” Thomas says after a few minutes.
Newt smiles, feeling a little better knowing that Thomas might be able to get the help he needs. Even if it doesn’t work out, he’s just glad to know that Thomas is trying to get better. That’s always the first step. “Good. I’m just… I’m glad we’re talking again. I’ve missed you so much. It was really hard being away from you like that, especially since we had planned out a future together.”
“Me too… I missed you so much.”
Newt moves to cup Thomas’s face with his other hand too, holding the sides of his face softly. He loves Thomas more than anything but he never wants to feel this way again, he never wants to worry about whether Thomas hates him because the younger refuses to talk to him. “If you ever do that to me again I’ll bloody kill you,” He says, voice serious.
The younger man smiles. “Never again.”
— — —
“Come on Tommy!” Newt calls, smirking back at the other man as he runs back towards their house.
Thomas runs after him, now soaking wet. “Newt!”
Newt laughs as he opens the door of the house, dropping his shoes by the door. Thomas comes running into the house soon after him but Newt holds his hand up. “Dry off first, I don’t want you soaking the floor.”
“You’re the one that pushed me in!”
Newt grabs a towel that they keep by the door, one for this exact scenario. Thomas takes the towel, pouting at him as he starts to dry himself off. “You deserved it. If you hadn’t laughed at your poor boyfriend, that has a limp, tripping then maybe you wouldn’t’ve been shoved into the ocean.” Thomas sends him a playful glare before raising a hand to flick water at him. “Hey!”
Their laughs fill the room as Newt starts rushing away from the still soaked Thomas. “Get back here! If you want to push me into the ocean then you have to deal with the consequences!”
Newt snorts, standing on one side of the couch and looking at Thomas who stands on the other side. He wears a mischievous face, one that Newt has loved seeing return to him since they first talked through everything. Ever since that day Thomas has gotten better little by little. Trauma is a hard thing to overcome, they both know that. While they both are still plagued by things of the past they are also able to actually enjoy their present and look forward to the future. They are together, that’s what’s important. They are surrounded by a home built out of love and surrounded by their friends and family.
Newt has loved being able to see how Thomas has returned to himself. Oftentimes he finds himself just watching Thomas as he does everyday things, just grateful that he’s able to be here with Thomas. The odds had been against them from the very start but they pulled through, they get to live the rest of their lives without worry. Newt has never been more grateful for the gift of life. He is so happy that he survived the maze, that he survived the flare, that he is able to be here with the love of his life.
Thomas starts running around the couch and Newt quickly runs in the opposite direction. “You’re getting the floor wet! You’re cleaning that,” He calls, a big smile on his face.
Thomas doesn’t reply, just continuing the chase. Newt rolls his eyes, stopping in the middle of the living room and letting the younger man barrel into him. Thomas wraps his arms around him and Newt does the same, ignoring how he can instantly feel his own shirt getting wet. “Got you.”
“Only because I let you,” He sighs dramatically. Warmth spreads through his chest as he looks at the happy look on Thomas’s face. He’s suddenly filled with overwhelming feelings of love and contentment, it makes him feel like his heart may burst out of his chest at any given moment. “I love you.”
Thomas’s face takes on a ruddy tint, one that Newt loves seeing. “I love you too.”
He raises a hand to sweep the wet hair off of Thomas’s forehead and tuck some of it behind his ear as he just admires him. “Not nearly as much as I love you,” He teases lightly.
The other rolls his eyes but doesn’t get to argue with him before he leans in, pressing their lips together. Thomas’s lips are salty from the salt water that drips down his face but Newt doesn’t care, he’s just happy to be here with his boyfriend. His hands move to wrap around Thomas’s waist, pulling him a bit closer.
After a few moments they pull away and Newt smirks at how Thomas’s face has deepened in color. He opens his mouth to tease him about it but he’s cut off by a knock at the door. “Newt! Thomas!” Minho calls.
“Open the door! We brought the cards for game night!” Brenda adds.
Newt looks towards the door before back at Thomas, half tempted to just ignore them for a little while longer. “Just open it.” He hears Gally say.
“Okay, okay! We’re coming!”