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To Dongmin, to love someone is to trust them.
Perhaps it’s the T in him speaking its mind. Others may describe love as the butterflies fluttering around in their stomach, the way their hearts would skip a beat when they see their object of affection. Dongmin can’t bring himself to make sense of those expressions. Butterflies in the stomach? Gross. Heart skipping a beat? Wouldn’t you check that out with a doctor? So, he opted to simply define love in his own way; trust.
Han Dongmin’s trust is not easy to gain. It may sound dramatic, but the majority of the reason lies in how his parents never fulfilled their promises to him, always telling him they’re too busy with work to spend time with their own son. For a long while, he accepted their excuses, until his little brother was born and he witnessed the way they showered him with the love and affection he had always yearned for but never received in his childhood. He doesn’t resent his baby brother, it wasn’t his fault, but he could feel his trust in his parents reduce, his walls beginning to build themselves from that point on.
To make matters even worse, he had someone he considered his best friend in middle school once. They were inseparable, confided in each other with things they wouldn’t tell another soul. During that same time period, Dongmin found that unfamiliar feelings were starting to arise towards a particular boy in his class. Class monitor, top of his class, and an overall ideal role model student. He didn’t fully understand it himself at the time, so he thought of asking his then best friend for help to figure out a way to detangle his own feelings.
15-year-old Han Dongmin, none the wiser, didn’t expect the reaction he was about to receive. He helplessly watches as the person’s face in front of him, once a dear friend, morphs from one of fondness to one of disapproval in a matter of seconds as soon as he mentions his crush being the same gender. He knew deep down in his heart that liking a boy as another boy is abnormal by societal standards, but he truly couldn’t handle getting words like “disgusting” and “creepy” thrown right at his face, more so by someone he once considered his own closest friend.
Ever since then, the walls he had built around himself were renovated to be even taller and thicker. He graduated middle school with a nauseating, bitter taste in his mouth, and was admitted to high school with no expectations of making friends, in fear that he might make the wrong decision and let himself be hurt again. Despite the season being spring, he already had a feeling he wouldn't be living his high school days looking through cherry blossom-tinted lenses like how they described it in the mangas he read. He felt like it was the most miserable he has ever felt in his 16 years of life.
That was until the heavens sent him an angel in the form of a boy named Kim Donghyun.
Donghyun transferred in the middle of their second year. He was seated next to Dongmin, the seat empty in the first place due to the rumours of him spread by some guys who used to be in the same middle school. Donghyun didn’t know any of it, though. At the time, Dongmin couldn’t bring himself to bother about whether this new guy would find out or not. Would he even care?
There was only one other guy in school who knew about his orientation but gave zero indication of giving a fuck, and that was Myung Jaehyun. He’s in a whole other class, though. Jaehyun befriended Dongmin in first year when they were in the same class, only separated due to Dongmin’s grades dropping below average. To crack open Dongmin’s shell, Jaehyun shared that he himself has a boyfriend in another school, describing him as “his face is pretty like a girl but he’s super strong and manly”. Dongmin, well, you can say he was slightly taken aback by the sudden revelation, but it got him talking, so Jaehyun’s tactic worked well in a way.
Over time, Donghyun grew more curious of the boy he had been seated next to. It had started with mere observation, taking mental notes of his habits and demeanour. At some point, the other guys warned him of the rumours revolving around Dongmin, but Donghyun could care less about them. All he cared about was figuring out how to warm up to the cold boy next to him, how to uncover his layers like peeling an onion.
Donghyun eventually tried bolder approaches, like greeting him in the morning and asking him random open-ended questions in the middle of class like “what do you think of the ‘narwhals use their horns to stab other fish’ myth?” Dongmin’s behaviour only had him intrigued, keeping him pushing harder even when Dongmin pulled himself away, and he was visibly starting to get mildly irritated from Donghyun’s continuous pestering.
Initially, he feigned indifference towards Donghyun, then ‘mildly irritated’ eventually turned into ‘severely annoyed’ after a few days, causing him to snap at Donghyun one day at lunch break when he insisted on having lunch together. He told him to leave him alone, that he doesn’t need some guy he barely even knows to befriend him out of pity or whatnot. Surprisingly, Dongmin instantly regretted it as he lifted his gaze up from the floor, startled by the sight of his seatmate with his eyes steadily welling up with tears. Now, he knows he can be a bit mean, but he’s not cruel enough to find joy in watching another person cry because of what he said or did.
Later, after moving to a secluded staircase, providing Donghyun with multiple tissues and sitting in the silence occasionally broken by muffled sobs and the sounds of snot being blown out, Dongmin learned that he didn’t have any ulterior motives behind his actions. He at least seemed genuine enough, judging by the way his face was in a mess of tears and sniffles just because Dongmin rejected his (presumably innocent and platonic yet questionable) advances. Dongmin felt his heart softening for Donghyun in real time, and it honestly scared him for the most part.
The following day, Dongmin decided to make amends by greeting Donghyun with a “good morning” before he could say anything first, and he watched as Donghyun beamed with his dimples displayed and his eyes sparkling with delight. Dongmin entertained Donghyun’s odd questions during class, they had lunch on the rooftop daily, and walked to the train station together after school. It was a strange but familiar feeling. Dongmin eventually found himself lowering his walls and even throwing over a rope for Donghyun, just enough to let him climb over.
On their graduation day, their friendship changed into something Dongmin knew was going to happen sooner or later. All those glances and touches could not have been a coincidence, after all. What he didn’t predict was that the person who would say something first would be Donghyun. He professed his love for Dongmin on the roof, at their usual lunch spot, and Dongmin felt the way his heart dropped all the way down to his stomach.
He scoffed, mouth dry and throat tight, thinking it was a joke at first, a huge prank pulled on him one last time because he knew the rumours about him never truly died down among their other schoolmates. Or that Donghyun could be confused, only assuming it was romantic feelings bubbling up because they had spent too much time together. Noticing that Dongmin was overthinking it, Donghyun told him once again, then twice. then thrice, with both his actions and words to prove that his feelings were genuine. The final scraps of Dongmin’s doubt disappeared into the cool spring breeze with a single kiss to his lips, and he didn’t have it in him to reject Donghyun like he did before.
It isn’t easy for Dongmin to trust another, but from then on, he puts his trust completely in the hands of Kim Donghyun.
Things inevitably changed as time passed by and the two of them have individually grown as well. Donghyun came over today to celebrate their anniversary of two years together. They came to an agreement that they would both rather dedicate their time hanging out at Dongmin’s rented apartment instead of going out on a date. It saves money, too, considering how they both don’t have much allowance to spend as university students, and they never needed grand celebrations, anyway.
They accompany each other in the darkness of Dongmin’s room, save for the soft light filtering in through the curtains adorning his bedroom window. It’s drizzling outside, distant sounds of thunder making their way into the space they’re currently sharing, as well as into Donghyun’s ears. He thinks the weather creates a kind of tranquil feel as they lie in Dongmin’s bed together.
Donghyun finds himself staring at Dongmin’s face for far too long, watching as he was pretending to fall asleep. Even with his eyes closed, Dongmin could feel his boyfriend’s intense stare boring holes into him. He’s starting to get overly aware. They hadn’t been in each other’s presence for two, excruciatingly long, months. Being in different universities had been keeping them hundreds of kilometres apart, a stark contrast to their routine back in high school. Donghyun missed his boyfriend like he was crazy.
With his eyes screwed shut, as if he could read his mind, Dongmin says out loud, “I missed you like crazy, too, okay? So could you please move your eyes elsewhere? I’m starting to get a little self-conscious.” That gets a light giggle out of Donghyun, and who was he to deny his lover’s requests? He complies in his own way, by closing his eyes to lean in and kiss him, and Dongmin was pleasantly surprised by the sudden warmth he feels on his lips.
It started slow, with warm hands cradling Dongmin’s jaw and delicate kisses against Donghyun’s mouth, sweet in the way it’s almost sickening as they slowly fall into a familiar rhythm. Kissing isn’t a foreign concept to them, proven in the way Dongmin naturally parted his mouth to let his lover in, and the way Donghyun lets himself in like he was entering his own home. He might as well be considered home, Donghyun thinks.
Donghyun never thought there would come a time when he would be privileged enough to experience this, this being the honour of pressing his lips to Dongmin’s own, over and over and over again, as many times as he wants to. His curious nature pulled him to Dongmin, like how things are pulled to the ground by the magnetic pull of gravity. It’s like the universe had been kind enough to let them cross paths with each other.
All those months he spent in their high school days keeping a close eye on Dongmin, but always at a certain distance at the same time, proved to be worth the wait. He even wishes he could go back in time and close the distance even if just a little bit sooner if he knew things would turn out as unbelievably wonderful as this. He can only start to believe it when his lover reciprocates his kisses with his fingers tangled in his freshly dyed blond locks, keeping him in place while anchoring him to reality at the same time. As if he was planning to go anywhere else besides remain in the comfort of Han Dongmin’s warmth.
Dongmin was the first to break the spell they seemed to be under, pulling apart from Donghyun’s lips but his arms still wrapped around his neck to maintain their lack of distance. A string of saliva pulls between them, breaking when Dongmin starts to speak. “Hey, Kim Donghyun. What are you thinking about?”
Donghyun flutters his eyes open upon hearing his lover’s voice. He must’ve noticed the way his thoughts seemed to be elsewhere. That's the thing about Han Dongmin, he always notices. Even the smallest things, like when he pointed out how Donghyun trembled a little under his touch after their first kiss on the rooftop, his nerves completely on edge at the time.
When he’s about to open his mouth to answer, Donghyun finds that he can’t form his words properly as soon as their eyes met. How can he? How can he not be rendered speechless when the love of his life is lying beneath him, dilated pupils staring back into his own, eyes half-lidded with dark strands of hair splayed out on the pillowcase, knowing that this boy is all his to pour his love onto?
Dongmin is breathtakingly beautiful like this, kiss-drunk and dazed. It’s undeniable. His lips are layered with the gloss of saliva and a lot more red compared to their usual state, and a rosy flush adorns his cheekbones, making him look… lovely. So lovely it makes Donghyun’s stomach churn. The heavenly sight is driving him dizzy.
A few beats of silence and admiring Dongmin later, Donghyun finally finds his voice again. “Nothing, You’re just so… pretty.” He thinks ‘pretty’ is an understatement. He can feel the way his knees are about to give out, one of them kept steady in the space between his boyfriend’s legs.
“You’re ridiculous,” Dongmin responds, breathing out a light chuckle, and oh how deep in love Donghyun is. When Dongmin smiles, his eyes curve upwards and his teeth present themselves in the most adorable way, and Donghyun is convinced there’s no one else as cute as him at the same moment.
He runs his fingers through the strands of Dongmin’s hair, his touch charged with pure adoration, careful before he asks, “I tasted something bitter in your mouth. Did you smoke before I came over? Not that I mind.” As soon as the words leave his mouth, Donghyun watches as Dongmin’s eyes shift slightly from the sudden observation, all the while his fingers are still buried in his jet black locks. Clearly he expected his boyfriend’s lips to utter anything else besides that.
Dongmin once shared that he started smoking in his third year of middle school, as a way to cope with the bullying he had to endure due to the rumours surrounding him at the time. He mentioned that the torment was more severe back then compared to high school, and all Donghyun could do was listen to the story. He also mentioned that he smokes much less now, but he occasionally needs to take a drag every now and then. Old habits die hard, after all.
“Did I make our kiss taste bad?” Dongmin shifts a little under his gaze, his actions evident with guilt as he avoids making direct eye contact with Donghyun, which made him feel a little bit guilty as well. An “I’m sorry,” slips out of Dongmin’s mouth. It wasn’t his intention to make him apologise. So, he pushes his lover’s bangs away from his forehead and leans down to press a soft kiss against it as a way of conveying his affection.
Dongmin blinks back up at him as he pulls away, and Donghyun gives him a fond smile in return. “Of course not,” he assures him, and Dongmin knows Donghyun could never lie to him. “If this is how you taste, then I like it,” because Donghyun is way better at communicating his affections through his words than Dongmin ever was, is, and will ever be. Affection comes to Donghyun so naturally when it comes to Dongmin, like how the sun rises and sets without fail every day, and how a river will continuously flow and pour into the sea.
Meanwhile, Dongmin has always spoken louder through his actions and gestures compared to his voice and words, so he uses his hands to pull Donghyun closer and makes the gap between them vanish again to return the sentiment. The kiss they share is much needier this time, deep and desperate. Their teeth clash and Donghyun lets out soft sighs against Dongmin’s lips as he gladly welcomes them into his own throat.
The air surrounding them feels so tense, Donghyun thinks it’s almost impossible to breathe. Han Dongmin is here, though. To provide, to act as his oxygen as he breathes in every single one of his exhales. He knows it’s a twisted, slightly obsessive kind of love, but he can’t imagine having it any other way.
For them, love is present in the way Donghyun gently slips a warm hand under Dongmin’s thrifted band tee, present in the way he slightly shudders from the sudden sensation as Donghyun trails his mouth along his neck, deliberately leaving marks hued in red and purple that will later surely bloom in colour like cherry blossoms in the spring. Love is still there with them even without grand gestures or declarations, and Dongmin came to realise that a long while ago, back when he regarded himself as undeserving of Donghyun’s seemingly unlimited love.
Regardless of his protests, Kim Donghyun insisted on staying by his side and he’s still here, loving him and accepting him for him, not for the things he does or the things he doesn’t. Dongmin can hardly wrap his head around it, but maybe he doesn’t have to in order to understand Donghyun’s unconditional love, because he knows his love towards the other isn’t much different. Loving Kim Donghyun without conditions has become second nature to him, too. He loves him, quirks, flaws, and all. He can only assume it’s reciprocated in the same way.
Donghyun declares “I love you,” followed by a kiss on his forehead. “So much more than you think,” followed by another on his eyelid. This time, Dongmin easily believes him, because the trust he holds in him is so much more than anything else his life ever had to offer. He doesn’t even have to say it back because he believes that Donghyun already knows him too much, inside and out, to know just how much Dongmin loves him back. All Dongmin has to do is lace his fingers around Donghyun’s neck and pull him in impossibly closer.
To Dongmin, to love Donghyun is to trust him. And to Donghyun, to love Dongmin is to gain that trust and fulfill it with all he has.