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Sloane wasn’t sure she had ever loved anyone besides her family.
Sure, she loved her parents but it’s easy to love people that are frozen in time. She didn’t get to have the typical teenage experience of rebelling against rules or getting into silly arguments that she would be able to look back on and laugh about with her mom. Her dad didn’t get to intimidate any of her prospective partners.
They didn’t get to grow with her.
But Liam did.
She looked forward to getting to be together again.
To be a family - or at least what was left of theirs.
But I guess the gods had other ideas.
She was so angry for those first couple months, hell she was still so angry. Anger was better than the grief that threatened to drown her.
She saw all the people around her finding love and happiness in this fucked up world and she was jealous.
Why couldn’t she just be normal? Why couldn’t she be carefree and oblivious?
Seemed like oblivious people had more fun anyway. They didn’t know how fucked everything around them was going to be.
Even her squad mates had found some semblance of comfort and happiness within the walls of Basgiath and Aretia. She hadn’t.
She was better with Thoirt, stronger, but she still felt like she was missing something.
—-------
She had hesitantly asked Imogen about it one night when they were training.
“You ever been in love?” They were both sitting with their backs against the wall, catching their breath.
“Ha! What have you heard?” Imogen teased and Sloane elbowed her. Now Sloane might have been new to the squad, but she wasn’t an idiot.
Imogen and Garrick had some weird will they/won’t they situation going on, but it seemed like everyone - including those two - were content to just ignore it.
“Do - do you love him?” Sloane asked, her voice more hesitant this time. She saw Imogen gulp and then inhale loudly. Being vulnerable in a world like theirs wasn’t encouraged, but she didn’t really have anyone else to talk to.
“For a while now.” Imogen answered slowly.
“What’s it feel like?”
“Oh, it’s awful, 10/10 don’t recommend.” Imogen snorted.
“I’m serious.” She huffed.
“So am I.” Imogen turned to her then, “It is awful, knowing one of us could die at any moment and yet even with that pressure we both choose this limbo. It’s hard to let yourself have something good sometimes, you know?”
Sloane nodded. She did know.
Imogen continued, “Something only marked ones understand is that we were forced to be here. We didn’t have that choice. I think I would have wanted to be a rider anyway, but would we have ended up in these circumstances if that was not the case? Would him and I have been different?”
Sloane swallowed loudly.
“On the other hand, there is nothing that says you have to feel a certain way or that you cannot allow yourself to be happy.”
“What if you don’t know what makes you happy?” Sloane asked. Imogen looked over at Sloane and must have seen something, because she scrunched her mouth over to the side.
“Alright so I lied. Remember the first time you flew on threshing? There is that anxious feeling thinking you’re gonna die but there is also that adrenaline rush when you know something could kill you - could hurt you - but you’re doing it anyway? Because you want to.”
Again, Sloane nodded.
“That’s what being in love feels like.” Imogen popped up and then offered a hand to Sloane. “20 more reps for all this feelings bullshit.”
Groaning, she got up and followed the older girl back to the equipment.
—-------
It was exhilarating fighting with someone who didn’t pull their punches.
Dain wasn’t afraid of her. He yelled at her, got up in her face when she was being a bitch, didn’t let her get away with her bad behavior.
The first time they sparred verbally she felt alive.
He didn’t look at her with pity in his eyes. He didn’t treat her with kid gloves.
He didn’t back down.
Sparring with him physically was also a rush.
He could hurt her, hell he could probably kill her but everytime they were on the mat together he was teaching her.
Yeah, more than half the time she ended up pinned between him and the mat, but then he walked her though what she was doing wrong, made her practice moves over and over until they became muscle memory.
Imogen’s training helped with that too. Sometimes he would come down to the gym with the whole squad and correct her technique.
But it wasn’t just her, he would spot for Ridoc, or show Rhi stretches that should help her kicks get higher up.
He was a killing machine.
And yet, he didn’t snap at her just for fun. If he was yelling at her, it was for a reason.
And even if she was dead wrong, arguing with him was the most fun she had those first couple of weeks before threshing.
It made her feel alive again.
—-------
Sawyer was actually two years older than her after not bonding his first year but maybe there was something to be said about being older and wiser.
She knew him and Jesinia had an official thing going on, the man even learned to sign for her.
Before battle brief she asked him about it.
“Do you love her? Jesinia?” He promptly choked on the sip of water he had just taken.
“What the fuck?”
“Jesinia?” She prompted again.
“Listen, Sloane, I’m flattered…” He started, scratching the back of his head.
“Ew.” She deadpanned and rolled her eyes, continuing, “I just wanted to know because you learned sign language for her and that seems like a pretty big thing to do for someone you don’t love.”
“Well for one, I should have learned sign language a long time ago. I should be able to communicate with people, especially in other languages. But the other stuff… Maybe? I don’t know - the possibility is there - I like her, think she’s beautiful - my day is better when I see her…” He continued listing things about Jenisia but Sloane checked out. Sawyer had this look on his face, mooning over how smart and patient she is.
“So even if this doesn’t work out, you’re ok knowing you put so much time and energy into it?”
“I mean, we put time and energy into bullshit all day long. Shit Sloane, sometimes things don’t work out. But I would rather put time and energy into learning to communicate with her than doing anything with anyone else.” Sawyer shrugged.
“Hey losers.” Ridoc took his seat in their squad section effectively ending their conversation and then class started.
—-----
“You can’t do that!” Dain came stomping over to her.
“Oh mighty wingleader.” She said in a weird voice, bowing.
“Fucking brat, he muttered. You can’t do that.”
“I heard you the first time, but since you decided to not actually address what ‘that’ is, I’m choosing to ignore it.”
“Cadet.”
“Are you even allowed to pull rank if we’ve left Basgiath? Because I vote no.” She gave him an exaggerated pout and thumbs down.
“I am still your leadership and you can’t be putting yourself in danger like that.”
“It was one little barrel roll.” She waved him off.
“So you do know what I’m talking about. You are un-fucking-believable.”
“Thanks.” She flashed him a feral grin.
“Sloane.” He wiped his face, showing his frustration. “You know what, fuck it. How do you want to do this? Sure, I guess I am no longer wingleader - hell the wings might not even exist anymore - but this “ he gestured between the two of them, “we have to be better out here than we were in the quadrant. There are too many ways for you to die out here.”
“You could die too.” She point out. Taking a deep breath, she let it go, “You’re stomping pisses me off, you think you know what’s best for everyone but that isn’t true.”
“You ignoring the people who care about you pisses me off and don’t even get me started on your lack of caring for your own safety.” He slowly stepped towards her.
“The roll was Thoirt’s idea.” She shrugged.
Traitor, Thoirt sent down the bond
They were chest to chest now and he reached out to tuck a piece of hair behind her ear.
“I can’t lose another Miari - I barely survived the first one.” Dain suddenly looked crushed.
“That’s not fair.” She closed her eyes.
“I won’t fight fair when it comes to your safety, but I’ll try to be less stompy and listen to you.”
“I’ll try to stop ignoring everyone.” She conceded.
“And your safety?”
“I have you and Thoirt looking out for me, seems like that should be enough.”
“You have to try, if not for me, for Liam.”
“Twice now you’ve brought up my brother and it’s taking everything in me not to fucking hit you.”
“You’re a fighty little thing when triggered, huh?” He caressed her cheek.
“Fuck off Dain.”
“See you around Sloane.
—-----
She really hadn’t meant to ask Violet because their relationship was still turbulent. She was getting better at not actively blaming anyone for Liam’s death, but some days were harder than others.
They had just gotten back from a patrol when she broached the subject.
“You love Xaden?” She blurted out.
“Yes.” Violet didn’t hesitate but she raised a brow at Sloane.
“What does it feel like?”
“Honestly? Overwhelming and comforting at the same time. We didn’t have an easy start - I thought he wanted me dead - but something about him feels like home to me. I know I could show him the worst parts of me and he would still love me.”
“Had you been in love before Xaden?”
“Gods, I thought so, but compared to what Xaden and I have, I know that was a lie.”
“Hmmm.”
“Something you want to tell me? Perhaps about a certain wingleader? I mean, I am the only one that has experience dating their wing leader.” Sloane gently shoved Violet away and refused to even touch that sentence.
—-----
He was yelling at her for the however-many-time. They had been working together better, training together more, and genuinely she was trying to not fuck him over but sometimes things just happened.
Dain had shielded her from proper punishment for her blatant violation of the rules. He had let her take her anger out on him. He had encouraged her to bond more with the squad.
The first time they fucked it was an accident - all brusing kisses and sharp thrusts.
The second time the urgency was still there, but there was also some familiarity.
By now she knew too much about Dain’s body. But she also knew too much about him, about his childhood, his classes, his favorite food, things she had no business knowing or caring about.
They were in the middle of a war damnit. She didn’t need this shit.
Her flat out refusal to train her signet with anyone but him had started this argument. She wasn’t trusting anyone else with this part of her, it was too unpredictable.
“Fucking hate arguing with you, but you’re being stubborn!” He finished.
“Liar - you fucking love arguing with me.” She pulled him in by his flight leathers.
“Fucking weird ass foreplay, but you still need to train with some else while I’m away on missions, consistency is key.” He kissed her gently.
“And I told you I won’t.”
“They aren’t scared of you Sloane.”
“They should be.”
“I’m not.” He huffed.
“You’re different.” She shoved him away, but he didn’t move.
“And how am I different?” He teased.
“You’re so annoying-”
“I think you mean handsome.” He cut her off.
She didn’t want to smile. She didn’t want to find him charming or interesting or funny. But here she was, fighting her lips that wanted to form an amused smirk.
That was their last conversation before he was sent on a scouting mission.
Gods she missed him when he wasn’t around.
He was the person she looked for in every room.
He was who she wanted to go home to every night.
Shit.
—-----
They were in his bed and she was tracing random patterns on his naked chest. Looking up she noticed he had closed his eyes at some point.
Settling her palm flat on his peck, she rested her head there.
“Have you ever been in love?” She asked softly.
His eyes fluttered open, “What?”
“Have you ever been in love?” She repeated. He hesitantly nodded his head, “What does it feel like?”
He frowned at that.
“It was nice.” She snorted at that response.
“Nice?”
“Shut up.” He said but leaned down to kiss her before pulling back and looking at the ceiling.
“I thought I was in love with Violet for a while. It was nice, easy. I could see the future we could have.”
She frowned at him.
“What?”
“Doesn’t sound like love.”
“Oh yeah, according to who?” He tickled her.
“Our squadmates!” She laughed. “Imogen said its awful but freeing, Sawyer said it’s worth all the time and energy learning how to communicate with the right person, and Violet said its about trusting someone with all the worst parts of yourself and trusting that they would still be there.”
“Have you ever been in love?”
“No.” She laid her beach back down on him, but continued to talk, “I mean I’ve loved people, but none of what the others said sounds ‘nice’ or ‘easy’.”
“And what would you rather have Sloane? Nice and easy or freeing, high effort, and trusting?”
She considered his question.
Nice and easy was, well, nice and easy.
But she felt nice and easy about flowers or sunny days. She didn’t want to feel that way about a partner, she would want to feel more.
“Nice and easy seems boring.” She finally stated. His arms flexed at that and pulled her in closer.
“I agree.” was what he said before they both drifted off to sleep.
—-----
“Where the fuck were you?” She was the one stomping up to him now. She didn’t give a fuck that other dragons and gryphons were still landing on the flight field, they could get the fuck out of her way.
His mission was supposed to be back two whole days ago.
“Cluster of wyvern sent us scrambling and into hiding.” was all he managed before she was in his face and pulling him in for a kiss.
They had never spoken about being a secret, but it had always been understood.
Well fuck everyone and their judgement. And fuck Dain Aetos too if he wanted to keep her a secret any longer.
She deserved to be loved loudly.
Pulling back he looked taken off guard, “Sloane?”
“You do that to me again, and I’ll kill you.” She poked his chest. He just laughed and pulled her back in for another kiss.
“I love you.” She admitted against his mouth.
“Even a simple I love you from you sounds like a threat.” He mumbled.
“If you don’t say it back quickly it is.” She pulled him in closer.
“I lied.” He pulled back a little.
“Dain-” She was going to hit him.
“I wasn’t in love before. I thought I was, but it wasn’t this and I would take this over nice and easy any day.” Dain cupped her face, “I love you too.” He said clearly.
“Fucking finally!” She heard Ridoc shout.
“WHOOP WHOOP!” That was Sawyer.
“Get a room!” Imogen yelled.
But Sloane didn’t care.
She finally had someone she loved. Someone that was willing to fight with her and fight for her.
He was hers.