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Sofia can feel the chill of this lingering distance between them even after all these months. It’s in how Rafe always keeps her at arm’s length. No closer, no further. He’s never fully relaxed. He’s never quite affectionate enough. It takes him weeks to even want to spoon.
She’s a guest in his house, never truly a part of the furniture. He’ll play the gracious host, fetching her a towel or making her tea, but it begins to grate on her. The more months roll by, the more uncertain she gets about where they stand.
She knows where he keeps his favourite cereal bowl, his Dyson, and the spare batteries. She could walk the length of his new home blindfolded, but he still seems to see her as something set apart. Something distinct. Foreign. She’s not a part of his life but simply passing through. There’s no point getting comfortable. That’s why it bothers her so much when he dares to step into hers.
It happens one late spring Saturday evening. Rafe arrives, as always, for the last hour of her shift and slowly nurses a drink at the bar till she’s done, pacing himself just enough to get a buzz but still drive them home.
He keeps to himself, shoulders tense, eyes down, ring tapping on the bar. At first, she thought it was simply shyness, but tonight she noticed how he turns his back when old school friends walk by or pretends he’s heading out soon when his fellow developers offer a seat at their table. The Kook from his drunken summer afternoons with the boys is nowhere to be seen. Instead, he shrinks, he’s awkward, loitering like a kid waiting for their mom to finish talking so they can leave. A familiar, unnerving twist tangles in her gut.
Not again.
“Trouble in Paradise?” Greg drags her attention away from Rafe and back to stacking chairs.
“Something like that,” Sofia murmured as she shook the tension out of her cheeks, relaxed her brows, and pushed herself back into packing up. The sooner she’s done, the sooner Greg can mop. The sooner they’re done, the sooner she could sink into a deep, hot bath in Rafe’s beautiful, luxurious tub and shake off this day.
Rafe isn’t Colin. He’s not going to hide you from his friends. There’s nothing to worry about.
“Don’t worry,” Greg shimmied closer with a boyish grin and glimmering green eyes as his voice dropped to a cheeky whisper. “He’s into you."
A bolt of giddy nerves shot through her, and Sofia swiped at him. A giggle tumbled from her lips as her spirits lifted. "Shut up!” Her fingers caught in the edge of his curly dark hair as she shoved that proud smirk away. She covered her hot cheeks as she pointed a warning finger at the younger server. “You know nothing, remember? You pinkie promised me!"
"And I take pinkie promises very seriously.” Greg straightens with broad shoulders, a serious, stiff upper lip, and a fake tie he pretends to fix, and Sofia can’t help but laugh again. “I’ll never tell a soul what I saw until you two are ready for people to know… Doesn’t mean I can’t have opinions.”
Greg had unfortunately been the first victim of Rafe’s unique ability to talk Sofia into reckless behaviour. He’d stumbled in on them during one of the many cocktail parties at the club in the coat closet Sofia had been supposed to be manning. They’d calmed him down and sworn him to secrecy. Rafe had wanted to offer him a Benjamin before Sofia had shot that down.
“What opinions?” Sofia squints at Greg, fighting the blush and grin that threaten to flood her face. It was a relief to finally get to talk about Rafe to someone. To gush and giggle and gossip.
“Well…” Greg fully sets aside the mop now to give the matter his full attention, propping a foot up on the wooden chair between them so he can lean down to her level. “ I think you’ve got him whipped.”
“I do not! Look at him. He won’t even come and say hi!”
Greg immediately waved at a staring Rafe, who scowled and turned back to his drink.
“Oh, he wants to eavesdrop so bad right now!”
“Don’t be mean!” Sofia nudged him again.
“I’m serious! He’s here every Saturday like clockwork. Every late shift you have, he picks you up, and he drops you back again. He’s always here. Always hanging around. Asking to sit in your section even if it’s the shit one under the porch. I’ve even seen him get distracted by you when he’s here with those loser friends of his.”
“You notice a lot.”
“I get bored. Point being. He wants you…bad”
“I…” Sofia’s smile slowly fades as she searches the worn boards of the deck for reassurance. His words ring false in her ears. Rafe’s never that open. He’s never that obvious, at least not to her. He’ll pick and choose what he invites her to. He’ll tread so carefully. Something cold and heavy slithers through her belly. “I don’t know…” she sighs with a half-hearted shrug and turns back to setting chairs up on the tables so he can clean. A weight settles in on her shoulders and cheeks again. “Maybe you’re right.”
“Well, how long has this thing been going on?"
"Six months… give or take?”
“Then it must be serious.”
“Yeah, you’d think that but…I don’t know…”
It’d been a strange few months. Rafe had blown into her life like a palm frond in a storm, stumbling, jaunty, and unexpected. The first three months had whisked by before she could even comprehend them.
“It’s weird… different…” Sofia couldn’t quite put this unshakable dread into words. “He’s different.”
The sex was fun and hot, and surprisingly easy. Their time together felt natural and calm and bubbling with flirtation, like floating downstream on a hot summer’s day.
This whole thing could easily have just been chalked up to cuffing season and impending winter blues. They could’ve drifted apart while she was away with family for Christmas, but they didn’t. They could’ve called it quits in the depths of January, and no one would’ve blamed them, but they hadn’t. Before she had really had time to process what had taken root between them, Ward had died, and all socially acceptable exit ramps for her had immediately disappeared.
What were you supposed to do when the-person-you’re-sleeping-with’s parent dies? Back off? Press closer? Send flowers? How were you supposed to even grieve someone that half the town already believed was dead?
Things had shifted and deepened so sharply and swiftly. She saw him unravel when no one else did. She stayed over more and more. They kept to themselves more and more. That enclosed space, that intense amount of time together, gave her a crash course in Rafe Cameron, and now she felt dangerously close to falling for him completely. She could feel it coming, daunting and inevitable like a king tide slowly approaching. Overpowering and haunting and strangely beautiful. She’d had no chance to run.
He had. Why hadn’t he taken it?
“Look…” Greg continued to flit around her as she worked. “Remember when you did that half day on New Year’s so you could go to some stupid Kook bullshit on a boat.”
“Yeah
“I was restocking the glasses, and you clocked out and ran to quickly get changed?”
“I remember”
“I caught him staring at your outfit. Openly, Sofia. In public. Way before you even realized. He was all…" Greg dramatically imitated Rafe, playing it up for dramatic effect. First, he was grouchy and sullen and standoffish. Then he pretended Rafe had drooled everywhere at the sight of her and fallen right off his stool, and Greg mimed Rafe getting a semi with a spare rag at his crotch as a tent. The ridiculousness of it caused Sofia to break down into breathless, stomach-aching laughter. "You’ve got nothing to-”
“Everything all good over here?"
Sofia’s heart lurched as she tried to catch her breath. The pair leapt apart, half expecting a lecture from their manager for slacking, only to find Rafe towering over them. White shirt pulled tight by his crossed arms.
How long had he been standing there?
"Ah….” Sofia tried to respond as giggles still tremored in her voice, “Ah yeah…” Rafe was just as stern and disapproving as Steve would’ve been, but he hid his disdain behind that plastic smile and glassy, impenetrable eyes. She could see the white of his knuckles and the taut muscles in his jaw. “ We’re good. Totally fine”
Those sharp eyes stayed trained on her as his jaw twitched.
“Good.”
Slowly, he stepped between the two of them and twisted his back to shield her from Greg. The invasion of his personal space forced Greg to retreat. A rather obvious hand slid along the small of the back, and the cool half-empty glass in his hand sent goosebumps up her skin. Sofia was caught between the shiver down her spine and the anger curling in her fists. His free fingers came to rest on her hip as he ducked to press a firm, purposeful kiss on her temple.
“We were just messing around.”
A soft, unconvinced hum vibrates against her side as Rafe shrugs and lifts his glass from her hip and over his shoulder to wave it at Greg. Once Greg takes the glass, Rafe goes straight back to paying him no mind, acting as if his presence here is no longer required. She sees his blue eyes squint to study her, try to catch her in a lie, but there’s none to be found.
"We’re almost done,” she tries again, knowing how immovable and stubborn he can be at the best of times, let alone when he’s like…this. “Then we can go"
Rafe mulls it over with a toss of his head and a debating pout before he quickly mutters, “I’ll wait in the car,” and gives her a curt nod and immediately marches straight for the parking lot.
God, the Camerons had a knack for making you feel like you were the one in the wrong! Like a kid in the principal’s office. If he didn’t cool off, if he was going to continue to snip and snarl, then that was his problem. She’d find her own way home.
Being free to leave was one of the benefits of being a guest, after all.
Once she’d finished her shift, Sofia found Rafe sitting in the car still, disappointingly, sitting in a juvenile sulking silence. She refused to play along, as he pulled out of the country club drive and sped through the balmy night to his house.
“Did you eat? Manny gave me leftovers?” She offered him a bite, between ravenous mouthfuls of roast vegetables that threatened to tumble over and stain his immaculate leather seats.
He refused.
“Is the ice machine full? My feet are killing me!"
A nod.
"Can we stop to get fruit? I want smoothies in the morning."
He quietly obeyed.
It went on like that until they finally finished their silent shopping and settled back into the car. She finally caved, cursing under her breath before asking. "¿Ya estás?”
Are you done? Are you ready?
If he pretended not to understand her right now, she was getting out and walking home. All the way to the Cut.
She saw him actually consider continuing his silly little game for a moment, and a surge of rage rushed through her. His blue eyes narrowed in the moonlight as he bristled, and the irritation still crackles in the air around him.
“He flirted with you…” he stated as firmly and calmly as he could, but she could still hear the restrained anger rattling on his tongue, “right in front of me…and you let him."
"He wasn’t -" Sofia did her best to swallow her indignation. There was no point in having two hot heads in this car.
"I’m not an idiot. He was laughing and…and strutting around! He knew exactly what he was doing, and he knows we’re -” Rafe tripped on his own words and straight into the very conversation he’d been avoiding for months.
“We’re what, hm?” Sofia swung around on him instantly with tight arms folded across her chest. Rafe’s mouth slammed shut. “He did nothing wrong, and you were a dick to him! Shoving your drink in his face like some servant."
"That’s his job!"
"No! He’s a bus boy who wipes tables and scrubs floors!” Perhaps she wasn’t going to be able to be the calm one this time. “You wanna wave your drink at anyone? Then do it at me. That’s what I am. That’s my job! Or did you forget who you’re dealing with?"
"No, that’s not what I’m saying.”
“God, you completely blanked him…”
“He pissed me off!"
"He wasn’t even talking to you!"
"Yeah…” He muttered darkly, turning up the AC and tugging at the front of his shirt that no doubt was trapping hot, humid air against his skin. “He was talking to you, and you flirted."
Sofia’s eyes widened as they finally hit that bedrock. His mind was hurtling so quickly she could barely keep up with him, let alone untangle her own messy emotions. "I what?”
“You heard me,” he bit back as he turned the car onto his street.
“No, I didn’t!”
“Yes, you did! You touched his hair and laughed at his jokes and batted his arm all cute and eh!” he pulled a face as he mocked her movements and giggles.
“Oh! so I can’t laugh now?”
“Not when you know you’re encouraging a guy’s thoughts!”
"What thoughts? That I’m single?”
“ He was into you.”
“I wasn’t flirting, ” Sofia huffed, dejected and amazed, flopping back against her seat again. She shifted to stare out the window as the car wound through the bends of the long coastal road, whizzing past rows upon rows of tall hedges and camera-adorned fences. Maybe she was too low. Maybe she didn’t belong. They turned around the last bend before his house as she finally broke the silence. “What’s the time?"
"What?"
"What’s. The. Time?"
"1:30,” Rafe answered as he pulled into the drive and turned to wind down his window.
” That’s too late to wake my parents…“
She felt his head whip around and heard the seat creak and the rustle of his shirt against the seatbelt.
"You want to go home? We’re literally right outside!”
She turned to him and shrugged, “I know."
"Sof…” He groaned and let his head fall into his hands. Clearly, the thought of him driving her home to the Cut was excruciating. He couldn’t stand to be in the car with her for a moment longer. Maybe he wasn’t the drive you to the airport kinda guy.
A knot rose in her throat as pain welled in her chest.
“Never mind. It’s fine.” She grumbled and waved the idea away, “Just open the gate. I need to sleep."
Sofia marched straight inside to fill the mop bucket Rafe’s never touched with ice for her feet and strip out of her clothes for a shower. Her dream of a relaxing, elegant bath slipping from her clutches, now her mood has sunk.
"Sof.” Rafe appears in the doorway, unannounced and uninvited, and she can’t help but groan in irritation. “You can’t just ignore my question.”
“I didn’t hear a question. I heard an accusation,” she snipped, slipping out of her white polo and socks.
“I know what I saw.” He dug his heels yet again, and Sofia sighed and kicked off her teal shorts to stand tall and straight and meet his eye.
She stood there, bare and cold in her underwear and it got no reaction from him. No sympathy. No attraction. Just folded arms and hard grey eyes.
“If you’re so sure you know what happened, then why are you even asking me?” She shrugged, letting her hands slap against her thighs as they fell. “ You made a scene at my place of work. You came in, throwing your weight around like some caveman chasing off my friend. You’ve made your point. I’m yours, and everybody knows it! What? Now you want me to admit that i’m a cheat too?”
“Flirting isn’t-”
“ It is to me! So don’t throw that word around like that. And you wouldn’t be so mad if it didn’t mean something to you, too. I can’t both yours and not yours at the same time! You can’t have it both ways. ” She sees his retort die on his tongue and she sighs and turns on the water “Now, I’m going to take this shower and ice my feet because I’ve just come off a massive shift which you don’t seem to give a shit about and then when I’m not tired and sore and gross anymore then maybe we can talk. Ok?"
"Fine”
Wearing his shirt felt like giving him a win. Why had she been stupid enough to concede that he’d successfully marked his territory? Admitting he had some kind of claim on her felt like letting him justify his actions.
However, the worn Led Zeppelin shirt currently folded under her pillow still called to her, in spite of herself. The shirt was a ratty old thing covered in bubbling fabric and holes at the seams where he’d grown too fast too quickly. It was a poorly chosen gift from Rose to impress a boy who was deep in his rap and dubstep era and wouldn’t like rock for at least another five years.
Sofia had rescued it from his donations box during the move and clung to it ever since. It was soft and loose and made her feel like her old Pogue self again, wandering through record stores and thrift shops and squeezing every last use out of everything she owned. Somehow between the gifts and the mansions she could feel that girl fading.
Sofia slid the faded black shirt on and padded gently down the stairs towards the distant sound of banging and the glow of the kitchen light spilling into the hall.
She finds him surrounded by an explosion of mismatched Tupperware scattered across the white stone countertop and the designer wood and resin chopping boards covered with messily cut uneven slices of fruit.
She leans against the doorway for a moment to take in the view. The boy who was waited on hand and foot his whole life is standing in his kitchen at 2:00 am, cutting her fruit. Meal prep and school lunches weren’t exactly in his vocabulary. The sight brings a soft smile to her face and warms her heart. A soft peace washes over her.
“I needed to clear my head,” he explained, feeling her watching. He’s quick to cover the gesture up in practicality and selfishness.
“Here…” she quickly crosses the kitchen to reach around him and help him repack the banana properly. “This’ll brown if you don’t…”
“Just let me do it…”
“No, it’s fine. I can help!”
“Stop!” The clatter of the knife slamming down onto the stone startled her. Sofia stumbled back as he turned on her with a heavy, heated sigh. Like she’s a nagging wife he can’t shake. “God! Can you just not correct me for one second! Fuck….”
She flinched at that curse, her fingers stuck in rigid, tight claws, and her heart pounding. Hot shame quickly melted the cold panic. “I… I didn’t…”
His eyes run down over the shirt, and it somehow angers him further. Ok, so the fruit wasn’t the white flag she’d thought it was. They were still very much at war.
“This whole night, you’ve been acting like I’m always wrong. Like I’m crazy! Like I’m seeing things that aren’t there…"
Shaken by his outburst, Sofia fumbles for her words, a knot lodged in her throat, and tears pricking her eyes. Her voice is barely a whisper, "I… I don’t think you’re crazy."
"Yeah, well, everyone else does! ” He gestures to the window with an erratic, forceful hand and suddenly surges forward. “You took his side!” There’s a crack of pain in his voice. “He was hitting on you, and you just laughed!”
“Hey!” She captured his flailing wrist and pulled it tightly against his side. “Hey…” She softened her voice and loosened her grip. “I’m sorry…I’m sorry.” She lifted onto her tiptoes and pulled him into a tight hug. He stiffened at first, but she held firm. “I….” Her eyes search the room for the right words to soothe him as her calves begin to ache. “I didn’t mean to make you feel like this. ” She gently rubbed his back, and slowly she felt his muscles unwind and his weight rest against her as she sank back down onto her heels, and he folded with her. “It was just a stupid joke. He was being an idiot and making fun of you, and I should’ve stopped him, and I didn’t, and I’m sorry for that. It wasn’t flirting. It was…he was cheering me up."
"He was making fun of me?"
"Yeah…I felt weird about… this. You and me. And…and so he was trying to convince me that I had nothing to worry about.”
“You were worried?”
“Yeah…” she pulled back just enough to lift his gaze to hers “We never talk about us, Rafe. We just carry on like this is normal. Like nothing needs to be said.”
“What would need to be said? You know everything.”
“I don’t. We’ve been coasting, baby. You’ve had a lot going on, and I get that, and it’s fine, but this thing with me won’t just iron itself out on its own. We actually have to talk about it.”
“Do we have a problem?”
“No…” she smiled endearingly at the confused look on his face as she stroked his cheeks. “The opposite. I’m not saying I want to break up. I"m saying i want to stay. I want this to work.
“You know I’m not good at this shit…” he ducked his head in shame, mumbling that admission.
“I know, but I need you to tell me what you’re thinking…Try that at least…”
“Ah …yeah, I mean. It’s been bothering me… I thought I could just wait it out. Follow your lead but then that asshole kid-” she perched a chiding brow and he pulled himself back from the grumbling rant he wanted to slip into. His eyes lifted back to hers again. “I want this. We’ve gotten through some gnarly shit together and you haven’t quit yet, even when you probably should’ve…”
“Rafe…”
“But I can’t-… That’s all I can really say right now. Promising any more than that it-…I want you here. Now. And there’s no one else in the picture.”
Sofia had braced herself for a holding response. For him to kick the conversation down the road another few months. She hadn’t prepared herself for him to jump straight to exclusivity without her having to probe him. It caught her off guard, provoking a flip in her stomach.
“No one else?” she stammers fighting a beam that wants to burst forth on her flips.
Rafe ducked his head for a moment, no doubt hearing the excitement in her voice, and thankfully, he eased the tension. “Nah,” he shrugged, scrunching his nose with a teasing nonchalance.
Sofia laughed freely now, wiping away stray tears. Relief flooded her as she tugged him into a warm m deep kiss that he melted into. She knew she was owed a thousand apologies, for the accusations, the raised voices, the time wasting, all of it, and yet each gentle touch, each tender peck was enough. it showed in small ways, in quiet ways, that he cared. That he understood what a blessing she was in his life, and that she could leave at any moment. That her heart was fragile and precious and not to be trifled with.
With a soft kiss to her forehead he murmured “Let’s get you to bed.”