Chapter Text
“Red flares from the right flank!” Erwin called out. “Change to the left!”
He set off his green flare to signal the change in directions. An explosion of green surrounded them as the rest of the formation followed suit. Only a few hours out and already their third sighting. Avoiding Titans had become much easier since they mastered the long-range scouting formation. Levi glanced behind them, a wave or relief flooding his body. Another incident avoided. How many lives had they saved since implementing the formation?
But their victory was short-lived. Two red waves appeared: one from the front, and another from the left. The familiar pit that seemed always at the edge of everything formed in Levi’s stomach. Of course it wouldn’t be that easy.
“Keep going. The others can handle a couple little Titans,” Erwin said. “Focus on what’s ahead.”
Levi didn’t respond but he kept riding. Erwin was right, of course. But that urge-the urge to run off to the rescue needled at the back of his mind. What if he could save someone? What if one of his comrades died when they didn’t have to?
“I can hear you grumbling from here,” Erwin said over his shoulder.
“I didn’t say anything,” Levi retorted.
“You didn’t have to.”
“So can I go?”
Erwin glanced to the left and right. “I think we’re good for now. But I may send you ahead in a moment.”
More red flares came from the front. If they didn’t do something, they’d be running in their comrades’ dead bodies soon. Levi gripped the reins of his horse. Erwin never led them wrong. He always had a plan. All he had to do was grit his teeth and wait for this to be over. Just wait for the next command.
Then, black smoke appeared in front of them. And not in the distance either. No, this smoke was close enough to be from the group ahead of them. An abnormal this close? His eyes fell on Erwin’s large frame where he rode in front of Levi. Erwin was headed straight for the abnormal. He couldn’t let that happen. He couldn’t let Erwin rush into that kind of danger.
Fuck waiting for orders. Fuck Erwin’s stupid sense of bravery. Levi broke off and rushed ahead, ignoring Eriwn’s calls to him. This was for the best. This was for Erwin’s sake. The blonde dumbass didn’t know what was good for him sometimes. Levi was disposable. But the commander wasn’t. Erwin wasn’t.
Looking a Titan dead in the eye never got easy. Something about that dead,hungry stare they all had made Levi want to vomit. This abnormal had that same look. Human form but not human. It was disgusting. It leered down at Levi, a ravenous grin spreading across its face. Blood from his dead comrades dribbled down its chin. It lumbered forward, eyes fixed on its prize.
“Come on, you ugly bastard,” Levi growled. “Try and kill me. I dare you.”
Air wooshed around him as he flew at the Titan. Its giant paws grabbed at him but Leiv was too fast. He anchored himself on the Titan’s back, swinging almost to the ground to knick its heels and hamstrings. As the Titan toppled forward, Levi shot into the air with a burst of gas, plunging back down in a tight spin. His blades sliced through the flesh of the Titan’s neck like a butcher’s knife through meat. Blood and viscera assaulted his face and hands.
Gross. At least it would evaporate soon enough. Levi alighted on the ground, spitting the Titan blood out of his mouth as steam rose from the carcass. All that death and he finished the bastard off in less than a minute. Fuck Erwin’s plans. He was the best weapon they had anyway.
Thundering hooves approached. As Levi turned to give Erwin a defiant glare, a shadow appeared over him. A shadow of a hand. And then-
Darkness. The hand engulfed him, smothering him and gripping too hard for Levi to move. Levi pushed against the overwhelming force. He kicked. The grip only tightened. He gasped for air. But the closeness around him made it impossible. Sharp searing pain shot through his whole body. The crushing weight of a Titan hand was enough to snap his bones like twigs.
Is this how he died?
How pathetic.
A million images crowded his mind. His mother singing him to sleep. Isabel jabbering on like she did. Furlan’s quiet smile. Hange greeting him like an old friend the first time they met.
Erwin.
Those brilliant blue eyes gazing at him like the whole world only existed in Levi. He’d told him not to go. There had been panic in his eyes as Levi raced off. Levi hadn’t thought much about it until now. Now that this Titan was about to crush him into a pulp of blood and flesh. Now that he was about to become Titan spew. Why was he always so headless? Why didn’t he listen? And now, Erwin had to watch him die. He’d never feel those strong arms again. He’d never be able to watch over Erwin as he slept peacefully through the night. A hot tear trickled down his face, stinging his cheek.
He was falling. Sinking into the great abyss. Huh. He’d never expected that death would feel like this. And why did his pain get worse? Cool air all around him, washing over him, ruffling his cloak and hair.
Wait.
Levi opened his eyes just in time to see the ground rushing up towards him. No place to anchor his gear. Shit. But he could still land without doing any more damage at least. Before he could turn himself mid-fall, however, strong arms caught him. He glanced up at his savior, locking eyes with the clear blue fire of-
“Erwin?”
“Are you injured?” Erwin replied as they alighted on the ground. “Can you stand?”
“Yeah I can-” Levi hissed and cursed as Erwin set him down. It was as if white-hot tongs had been jabbed into his side. He doubled over, clutching his ribs. “I think I broke something.”
“You’re lucky you’re alive,” Erwin replied. “What were you thinking, rushing off like that? I told you to stay back!”
“And let that abnormal keep killing our men? Yeah, no thanks,” Levi wheezed. Every breath sent daggers to his sides. “Help me up and get me to a medic, will you?”
“You can’t even stand,” Erwin pointed out. “Wait here and I’ll get someone.”
Levi watched Erwin disappear amongst the Titan steam and their comrades. Fuck him and his holeir than thou attitude. How many times had Levi taken down a Titan and been just fine? It was an accident. It could have happened to anyone. At any rate, he was alive, wasn’t he? Erwin could try being grateful for that.
The campfire popped and crackled in a merry dance, lighting up the clearing in the woods where they’d made camp. The others had long since gone to bed, leaving Erwin in a dreadful silence. He should sleep. It wasn’t like there’d be any Titans at night. He’d be a wreck in the morning if he didn’t get some kind of rest tonight.
But every time he closed his eyes, the vision of Levi swallowed in that Titan’s hand, and getting ever nearer to its mouth washed over Erwin. He couldn’t breathe or think. Levi had been so close to getting eaten, and all because he hadn’t listened to Erwin. His eyes fell on Levi, now sleeping for once. He wouldn’t let that man out of his sight again. He couldn’t. Erwin reached out and pulled Levi’s bedding tighter around him. The little pain medication they could spare out in the field would have to do til they got back. Erwin pushed a lock of hair out of Levi’s face, running the tips of his fingers along Levi’s cheek.
At least he was alive. No thanks to his reckless stupidity. Erwin let out a shaky breath. He should be grateful.
But Levi was the last person Erwin expected to end up crushed in a Titan’s paw. He’d killed more Titans than anyone else since he joined the Scouts. He always came out unscathed. Even as he’d ridden off, Erwin trusted him to come back in one piece. After all, he’d taken out that Titan all on his own on his first expedition. But there was a reason Erwin wanted him close. A reason he’d yelled at Levi to come back. He knew that even the strongest soldier could be taken out by the smallest Titan.
When he’d gone off to find the medic cart, nausea overtook him like it was his first time seeing someone eaten by a Titan. He’d grabbed onto Hange for support when they rushed up to him, asking after Levi. Or that’s probably what they’d asked. Erwin couldn’t be sure. He’d never been so weak before. Ever. Hell, he’d almost collapsed.
But Levi was alive. That’s all that mattered. Levi was alive. Levi was ok. He’d live to fight another day.
Fight. Get put in danger. By Erwin.
How could he say he loved Levi and still send him into mortal danger all the time? Selfish as always. He didn’t love Levi. He used him. Just like every other soldier that he’d turned into Titan puke. Why did he think he could love anyone? He’d been smart to back away from Marie. He should have backed away from Levi too.
He couldn’t. No matter how many times he’d tried, he couldn’t leave the man alone. He was so damned weak to him from the first moment he’d laid eyes on him. A smile tugged at Erwin’s lips. His heart had nearly lept out of his chest when he’d seen Levi that day. His entire being yearned for him from that moment on. Erwin had never yearned for anything but the truth to be known about the Titans. Yet, he yearned for Levi. Like a freaking schoolgirl.
And who could blame him? His skill as a soldier would make anyone weak in the knees. The way he sliced through Titan flesh as if it was air. The way he always knew just how to land the perfect killing blow. And the ODM skills? Forget it. And he was smart-too smart sometimes. He might be the only person to keep up with Erwin. Not to mention that tiny waist and the ass that fit so perfectly in his hands. The way they fit together like puzzle pieces. How easy it was to pick him up.
Fuck, even thinking about it drove him crazy.
Erwin laid on the ground next to Levi. His hand rested just next to his shoulder. He was safe. Soon, he’d be healed and in Erwin’s arms again. Searing tears flowed down Erwin’s face and onto the grass below. His shoulders shook as he tried to hold on the sobs that strained to break free.
Levi was safe.
As soon as they had returned, they sent Levi to the infirmary to get checked out. Three ribs were broken, along with two breaks in his right arm and one in his left wrist. Really, it was a miracle that those were the only bones he’d broken. But still, it was a pain in more ways than one.
The doctor instructed him to stay in bed while his ribs healed. If Levi could have chosen, he’d have preferred death to this. Every time he moved, he wanted to scream. Even worse, the weather had been glorious ever since they’d gotten back and it made Levi want to scream even more.
At least Erwin stayed close by. Otherwise he might have gone crazy from boredom already. But then, Erwin was always hovering over him, pestering him with questions about his pain and fluffing up his pillows. And feeding him and telling him to lie down and stay in bed. And helping him use the toilet. Fuck, that was the most humiliating part. He was as helpless as a baby.
“I can feed myself, blondie.” Levi grumbled like he did every time Erwin tried to feed him.
“Ok fine, feed yourself then.” Erwin replied in an exasperated tone as he tossed the spoon back into Levi’s porridge.
Levi reached with his left hand and picked up the spoon. He raised it up to his mouth for a triumphant bite, only to have the porridge fall into his lap as his injured wrist wavered. He tried again. This time, the spoon barely left the bowl.
“Need help?”
Erwin stood with his arms crossed, observing Levi with a cocky quirk of his eyebrows.
“No, I can do it.” Levi replied with a huff. He tried a few more times with similar results. He lay back on his bed with a great sigh. “Fine, you win.”
“Why can’t you just let me take care of you?”
Levi didn’t reply.
“Are you really that stubborn? I want to help you, sweetheart.”
Yes.
“I mean it.”
Whatever.
“You know, at least you could show a little gratitude.” Erwin said with a deep sigh.
“For treating me like a baby?” Levi shot back.
“Why can’t you accept your limits?”
“I can do whatever I want.”
“Not right now, you can’t,” Erwin replied, shoving another spoonful into Levi’s reluctant mouth.
Limits. Fuck the Limits. He’d never needed anyone before, and he’d be damned if he started needing anyone now. But that look on Erwin’s face. Fuck, Levi was so weak to it. Those great blue pools that were his eyes, pleaded with Levi.
“I don’t like being dependent on anyone, ok?”
“I know.” Erwin replied.
“I’m sorry I’m being a jackass.” Levi hung his head.
“Does that mean you’ll let me help you?”
“Fine.” Levi pouted. “But only until I can take care of myself.”
“Of course, sweetheart.” Erwin leaned in and kissed him. “But not before.”
Levi rolled his eyes but kissed Erwin back. He had to admit that it was nice being cared for. Erwin was an excellent nurse, and he did his best to keep Levi occupied while he was out of commission. They reviewed strategies and discussed how best to use squad members. Teams were shuffled for optimization, and Erwin updated Levi daily on operations. Then, in the evenings, when visiting hours were supposed to be over, Erwin read to him until one of them fell asleep-usually Erwin. But then, watching Erwin sleep with his head on Lievi’s bed as he sat in the chair next to him was its own treat.
Hange came by regularly to discuss progress in their research. There was minimal progress, but they made for enjoyable and invigorating company. Hange was a weirdo, but they were a smart weirdo and Levi, despite himself, enjoyed their visits.
“Has he been a good patient?” Hange asked Erwin.
“Ha! What do you think?” Erwin retorted.
“Patience isn’t exactly one of my virtues.” Levi admitted.
“That’s true. It looks like Erwin has been taking good care of you, though.” Hange observed.
“He still won’t be a sexy nurse for me, though,” Levi griped.
“The outfit doesn’t fit, I told you,” Erwin teased.
“Aw come one Erwin, look at Levi’s sad, injured state!” Hange giggled.
“Yeah, Erwin, look at how sad I am,” Levi grinned.
“You too, Hange?” Erwin sighed.
“You would make a sexy nurse...” Hange laughed.
“He would,” Levi agreed.
“Perhaps if you’re good, I’ll think about it.” Erwin replied, winking at Levi.
“Well, I guess I’m not going to see it then.” Levi sighed. “That’s too hard.”
“That’s what I thought.”
“Those are lovely flowers.” Hange said. “Did you get those for him, Erwin?”
“No, Petra brought them.” Erwin relied.
“Ah, I see,” Hange replied. “You realize she has a crush on you, right Levi?”
“Popular with the ladies, as always.” Erwin joked.
“Whatever. It’s not like I’ve encouraged it.” Levi rolled his eyes.
“You sound like you don’t like that idea much.” Hange said.
“Why would I care about someone crushing on me when I have Blondie here?” Levi shrugged.
“You’re already spoken for.” Erwin winked.
“That I am.” Levi replied.
“God, you two are too cute!” Hange said.
“Shut up, Four Eyes.” Levi growled.
“Come on, I can’t be happy for my friends?” Hange whined.
“You can be happy quietly.”
“Erwin, help me out.” Hange pleaded.
“Why does it matter what they say?” Erwin asked Levi.
“Tch.”
“Fine. I’ll keep all the nice things I was going to say to myself.” Hange said.
“Good.”
“Levi!” Erwin chided. “I appreciate it, Hange.”
“At least someone does!” Hange replied with a grin.
“Don’t you have Titan bones to play with?” Levi asked.
“Not at the moment. But if someone granted me the opportunity to study a Titan closely, then perhaps I would!”
“It’s too dangerous,” Erwin reminded them.
“But I really want one!”
“Maybe one day.”
“I’ll hold you to that.”
“I’m sure you will.” Erwin chuckled.
After a few, excruciating weeks, Levi seemed to improve quite well. The doctor even commented on the rate at which his body healed. Really, it was for the best because as crazy as Levi was going being stuck in bed, Erwin was about to lose his mind. If it wasn’t a complaint, then it was a push-back on whatever rules he had to follow. Erwin hated to admit it, but he was relieved when the doctor told them that Levi could start getting back to his regular duties. Limited, but at least he could get outside.
Erwin assigned him to running training exercises with the others. Well, observing really. But since he had been inside for so long, Erwin figured that it was better than nothing. He took all the squad leaders aside and gave them strict instructions not to let Levi out of their sight. He was to stay on the ground, and definitely no exertion.
At least Erwin could go back to his regular duties too. He was woefully behind on most of his work since the expedition and it was nice to clear his desk off of the built-up paperwork.
A knock came at his office door.
“Come in,” Erwin commanded.
A young scout, fresh out of the training corps appeared in the doorway looking very, very lost and slightly terrified.
“What can I do for you?” Erwin asked.
“Sir, it’s about the Captain.”
Shit. Erwin’s heart stopped, a chill running down his body. “What happened?”
“He had an accident with the ODM gear and is back in the infirmary. Squad Leader Nanaba told me to get you.”
Erwin tossed aside his pen and grabbed his jacket. “For the love of the Walls, how did that happen? I told them to keep him grounded!”
“I-I don’t know, Sir! One minute he was sitting and the next he was flying through the air!” the kid squeaked.
Erwin patted the poor, quaking kid. “It’s not your fault. I’ll be going now. You may go back to training.”
“Yes, Sir!” the boy saluted and vanished.
His surroundings blurred around Erwin as he rushed to Levi. How bad was it? Was he in pain? Would he be able to walk? How did anyone let this happen? He trusted those squad leaders. They’d given him their word. Why couldn’t he trust Levi to just do as he was told? How hard was that? Erwin’s heart raced as fast as his legs, threatening to burst out of his chest. That stupid idiot. What a dumb, fucking idiot Levi was.
Nanaba met him outside the infirmary. “I swear I only took my eyes off him for a moment, Sir!”
“What happened?” Erwin asked, pushing past her and entering the building.
“We were running training exercises as usual and then someone got caught in a tree. Before I could do anything, Levi was in the air and going to help.”
“He was geared up?”
“Yeah, we all were.”
“That was your first mistake. He can’t be trusted with gear he shouldn't be using!” Erwin grumbled as he made his way to Levi’s room.
“I’m sorry, Sir! It won’t happen again!”
“It’s alright, Nanaba. He’s an idiot. I should have known better than to let him anywhere near the action.” Erwin shook his head. “How bad is it?”
“He cracked one of his ribs that was healing but that’s it.”
Erwin let out a relieved sigh. “Thank the Walls for that, then.”
He paused outside of Levi’s room, trying to steady himself. Just the rib. Levi was fine. But something welled up. Like a wave of everything he’d been holding back since the accident. Fuck holding it in. Fuck being kind and understanding of Levi’s situation. Erwin clenched his fists, squared his shoulders, and threw the door open.
“What the hell is wrong with you?” Erwin shouted.
“I felt fine,” Levi replied.
“But you’re not fine. And now look at what you’ve done!”
“I know,” Levi turned his face away from Erwin.
“If you know, then why did you do it?”
“Because someone needed to do it. The kid was stuck in his gear.”
“And no one else could have helped?” Erwin ran his hands through his hair.
“I didn’t think I’d injure myself, ok?” Levi spat, his eyes blazing. “You thinkI wanted to hurt myself? I’m not that stupid.”
“You could have fooled me.”
“Fuck you.”
“Fuck me? Is that really all you have to say? I saved your fucking life! I nursed you back to health! And then you go and reinjure yourself and all you can say is ‘fuck you’?”
“What do you want me to say? I know I fucked up. Can we move on?”
“Maybe you could start with ‘I’m sorry’. That would be wonderful.” Erwin crossed his arms over his chest.
“I’m the one in pain. Why are you getting so worked up?”
“Serves you right. I hope you remember this pain so you don’t do this again.”
“Whatever.” Levi turned his face towards the wall, a scowl settling on his features.
Erwin stared at Levi, his eyes wide. “Don’t you even care that you almost died?”
Levi fiddled with his fingers, his eyes fixed on his hands. “Of course I care.”
“Really? Because it doesn’t feel like it.” Erwin shot back, his body shaking.
“It’s not like you almost died, jackass. It’s my life. Can’t I throw it away if I want to?”
Ice washed over Erwin at Levi’s words. Didn’t he care how Erwin felt? Didn’t he understand how scared he’d been? No, of course he didn’t. Levi didn’t know the meaning of fear. He was always too busy throwing himself in the line of fire for everyone else to think about his own mortality. Or maybe he did but he didn’t care that any moment out there could be his last.
Erwin eyed Levi, fighting back the tears that brimmed up in his eyes. How he wanted to hold him and punch him at the same time! But Levi didn’t move or even show any sign of understanding for Erwin’s feelings. He just sat there like a petulant teenager, waiting for the scolding to be over.
Well, if he wanted out of this conversation so badly, he could have his way. Erwin wasn’t going to waste his breath.
“You’re right. It’s your life.”
Levi’s eyes widened.
“You said it yourself, you can throw it away if you wish. What should I care if you want to waste your life on pointless heroics? Just do as the doctors and nurses tell you and don’t leave your bed until they tell you, ok?”
Levi nodded. “Erwin-”
“I have to get back to work,” Erwin said, turning towards the door. “I’ll see you when you get out of here.”
Erwin didn’t wait for Levi to respond. He didn’t look back as he left. He clenched his jaw and kept walking. Levi could rot there for all he cared. Why did he have to be so damned stubborn all the time? Why couldn’t he just listen to Erwin for once in his life? Erwin nodded a greeting to some passing scouts. Erwin had his hands full enough with running the entire damned scouts. He didn’t have time to hold Levi’s hand and coddle him into compliance. After all this time, Levi still couldn’t trust Erwin’s judgement? That was unacceptable.
Erwin slammed the door to his office shut and slumped into his desk chair. The mountain of paperwork needed doing but Erwin couldn’t face it. He rested his face in his hands and let out a long, shaky sigh. And then another and another until his sighs turned into sobs. How many comrades had he lost without flinching at this point? But seeing Levi nearly crushed by that Titan had been worse than any death he’d seen so far. That gut-wrenching jolt-the knowledge that he could have lost the one person he loved the most almost killed Erwin every time the image crossed his mind. His heart had stopped dead in its tracks that day. Tears had streamed down his face as he cut that Titan down. Big, angry tears that stung his face as they flowed down his cheeks.
No, he could lose all of the scouts-hell, all of humanity- but he couldn’t lose Levi. And that was the problem. One day, he might lose him. Every expedition brought that danger. But he’d give up his own life if it meant that Levi could live even a second longer. He’d sacrifice the entire military just to save that one man. And there was nothing he could do to change that fact. He might even give up his dreams just to keep Levi alive.