“Have you ever struggled with self-identity?

Neither have I.”

The disembodied voice states as she stares into her camera, her green eyes piercing her reflection, causing her to look away while she documents her video journal of the day.

“Well… maybe I have? I’m not sure. Does second-guessing what you’re doing with your life count as struggling with self-identity? Or am I just depressed?

Oh my god, what if it’s both?!

That doesn’t matter, for now, I guess…Dr. Hill suggested. I spoke about things in my mind repeatedly. It’s straightforward… all I can think about is Hannah and Beth being missing for almost a year, and I can’t help but wonder if it was all my fault.

If I'm being honest, I also can’t stop thinking about Sam. Not…Not in a weird way, but maybe a little bit in a bizarre way? I mean… ever since the… prank. She’s been distant. But it’s given me some time to think, so maybe this separation will be better than I thought.”

She took a breath, the weight of her guilt rising in her throat, choking her words.

“I mean…I guess I miss Sam a bit. Sam's absence has led me to develop some sort of admiration. I think. Not definitively. But uh… this time that I’ve had to think… I don’t think I can bear to lose her, y’know?.. She’s so caring towards everyone, or maybe just me. I’ll never forget how upset she got at us when Hannah ran out of the room. Also, code word upset— not angry. I don’t think Sam could ever really be angry at someone. Anyways, I think this has gone on far more than I’m comfortable with, so I’ll be signing off… until tomorrow!”

And with that, Jessica stopped recording and threw her phone onto the pillows behind her. The air sat still as Jess sat in her bed. Time seemed to pass by slower than a snail on the sidewalk while it was ninety degrees out. She shut her eyes, hoping that she could somehow slip into the future and just get out of this state that she was in. It wasn’t just the prank that she was thinking about; the events that followed afterward were what was bothering her. The long search for Hannah and Beth lingered in her mind, as did her argument with Emily from a few weeks ago.

After slowly falling back into a state of depression, she tried to find value in herself with male validation. Chasing guy after guy, she found one whom she admired the most. Her class president, Mike Munroe. He wasn’t what Jess was usually attracted to. Still, she felt an odd attraction either way, perhaps because he was the only guy with whom she had a stable friendship that lasted longer than any relationship she’d ever had. A few texts from one another turned into sending pictures back and forth behind Emily’s back. She hasn’t figured it out yet, which is good, but she can no longer bear lying to her friend.

That’s when she remembered.

“That’s it!”

Josh was having a party that night, which completely slipped her mind. Why would he have a party thrown at his house after what happened at his last party? Jess had no clue. But what she did know was that this party could lead to a distraction from her life. Better yet, there’s possibly a chance that Sam would be there, knowing that Josh and Sam are close friends. But what if Sam has plans? What if she says no because she thinks it would be awkward to reunite with the friend group again? What if-

“I should probably do something productive.”

She says as she stares at her phone, anything to distract her. Contradicting her statement, she opens her messages. She’s been re-reading her messages with Sam for the past few months. Sure, they still talk, but their relationship has a noticeable difference. She’d do anything to make amends with her, but owning up to her mistakes just isn’t the right move right now. Not that she isn’t guilty and wants forgiveness from Josh and Sam, but she’s been afraid of apologizing only so she can talk to Sam again.

How could she apologize without seeming so desperate? Was there a way to do that, or would she have to dismiss the situation entirely and hope Sam would do the same? There’s no way she would. Sam might be the one to hold a grudge and say, “It’s fine!” While it keeps her awake for nights without mentioning a word to anyone.

“I wonder if Sam feels guilty for lashing out at me that night…god, I couldn’t feel any worse right now.”

.

.

.

She put her phone down as she stood to get to her vanity mirror. She sat down and looked up at her reflection. “Do I truly deserve this?” She said as she glanced over the imperfections and features that she liked most about herself. Her hair was one of her favorite aspects. If her hair looked bad, then she, along with her outfit, would look disgusting. She’s taken care of it since she was a little girl, ensuring her hair was always a little longer than shoulder length. Not too short and not too long.

It was just the perfect amount of hair. Well– to her liking, that is.

She shortly looked away from her reflection to avoid distortion. Looking at herself for too long, she tends to feel like she’s not in her own body, as it feels surreal. Now that she’s sitting here, why not seize the moment and prepare for the day? Maybe Mike will swing by and bring her flowers, or Sam will knock on her door and…

“Whatever.”

She sprang up from her chair and grabbed her phone. She sulked as she saw her notifications and opened her music app.

“This’ll definitely help distract me. For now, at least.”

Tunes flowed through her speakers as Jess threw her phone onto her bed again. She waltzed her way over to her closet and opened her doors to her fashion underworld. Her rack of clothes brimmed with glitter and shone in her eyes, catching her attention; her pants and skirts did the same.

“Hmm… Pokémon, I choose you.”

She exclaimed as she chose this black, slim, yet frivolous dress. She only wears this dress at home or on dates, but in this case, she's just hanging out. Just a party with her and her friends, potentially a few other college kids, but the question was, who was Jess trying to impress? Not even she knew herself. Jess then spots her a perfect addition to her party dress, her beige cardigan that she DIY’d to look like something for a kid half her age. The blonde got both items off the clothing rack and set them on her bed.

She slipped out of her loungewear, leaving her only with her undergarments and bra.

“I’m so hot. But why don't I feel like it? Why will no one hold me and tell me how hot I am?!”

She was talking to herself in the mirror, flinging her shirt around with each question, and eventually threw her shirt onto the floor with aggression.

“Im cursed with a hot body but a weak mind. It’s unfair. It’s a curse!!”

Jessica looked at the outfit she had chosen laid out on her bed and felt a sense of pride within herself. Picking up her dress, she felt a bit nervous. Thoughts began racing through her mind. “What if I look too skanky? What if the dress is too short for me? What if Sam isn't there?” She put the dress up against her figure and viewed the mirror preview of what she would look like tonight.

“I think I’ll be just fine, I just need to relax.”

She carefully slipped on her black dress. It was a little tight around her hips, but that's nothing that could stop her. Her natural advantages helped her feel above others when she felt down. Not that she would body shame; she just thinks her body looks better than others. After a few moments of getting used to the dress, she pulled her cardigan from her bed and slipped it on. Luckily, the cardigan was a bit looser than her dress, so it seemed stylish. She didn't want her outfit to be too plain, so she decided to look for her tights and knee-high, dark brown boots. She went into her closet and looked in her dresser.

She opened the drawer to find all of her stockings and socks. After some searching, she finally found the perfect fit: skin-colored tights with a faint cheetah print. She squeezed herself into her stockings. Fortunately, they fit just right. She admired herself in the mirror, slightly caressing her love handles, imagining how it would feel if someone had done the same to her, caressed her, and told her how amazing she was.

She saved her boots for later, walked over to her mirror, and plopped herself into her chair. Once again, she was faced against herself, forced to look at nothing else but her reflection. She ignored her inner thoughts and began to fix herself up. First, she touched up her pigtails and made sure of to eliminate any frizz that stood out. She brushed her bangs back to maximize her ultimate volume size. Shortly after that, Jess picked up her eyeshadow brush and applied her purple eyeshadow. She always meticulously tried to look her best. It boosted her confidence and made her feel less insecure. Even if she doesn't feel like doing it daily, she feels she has no choice.

Her phone rang, and she suddenly felt awfully nauseous. Her mind ran as she wondered, and her veins ran as she guessed what the notification could have been. It could be a stupid app notification. Or was it Sam? Another picture from Mike? Maybe it was Emily? Or maybe it was Sam. It's probably nothing.

She rushed to pick up her phone and carefully turned it over to face her screen… It was her. It was…

Sam.

Hey

Sam? Why is Sam texting me out of nowhere? Maybe she sent it to the wrong person. Yeah. That's the case. It’s got to be.

I heard Josh was having a party tonight

are you going?

What do I respond to that?

“Yeah, I’m going to Josh’s party hoping that I can run into you and apologize for that night!”

This is so dumb.

sam?

Yeah

This is Jess right?

So, she did intend to send that message to me. Why? Why talk to me now after we’ve practically ignored each other for weeks on and off?

yeah

it’s jess

…

..

…

Cool!

So are you?

I mean, she was technically already getting ready to go anyway, so why lie to her now?

yeah i am

sorri

i didnt expect you to text me

so honestly

im a bit startled

…

..

…

Yeah! No worries

Sorry I've just been a bit busy myself

It’s got nothing to do with you

Anyway, do you need a ride?

Is this a dream or something? Was Jess being pranked? Maybe Chris got hold of her phone and is setting something up. Or, like me. She wants to make amends. Make up for the time that we’ve lost? Whatever it was. She decided to proceed carefully

if you wouldnt mind

sure

Right on!

I’ll pick you up around 7.

‘I’m surprised she even knows where I live. Maybe I shouldn't overthink it. I’ll be fine.’ Jessica thought to herself as she set her phone down.

Great.

Now she had a whole evening to herself to think about how tonight was going to play out. Was she falling into a trap? What if Sam was mad this entire time and just wanted revenge on me?

No.

“Sam wouldn't do that. She's.. better than most. I know her.”

“Or do i?”

Jess never admitted to her mental state. She believes it's a lame gimmick just to limit yourself to your mentality when all she believes in is being attractive enough to call attention for validation. It’s only been getting worse since the incident.

God, how she missed Hannah and Beth.

If only she had taken Mike from the beginning instead of waiting around for Emily to be done with him, maybe she wouldn't have involved herself in the prank. Perhaps she would just be happy lying in Mike’s arms while Emily would call her a backstabber. Maybe… just maybe—if she weren't present, she’d stop thinking about all this.

About Sam.

“It's whatever, though.”

She tells herself, knowing that ignoring her curiosity will do nothing but harm her.

She sat on her bed, exhausted from overthinking, trying to catch her breath. That's when...

briing

Her phone rang again.

She quickly picked up her phone, expecting it to be Sam, but instead, it was Mike.

Of course, it was Mike; these are his regular peak hours.

Doing anything? (;

“God, what a perv. He probably just wants another photo of me nude again. Does he even care?”

noo not really, just getting ready 4 a party!

What was she thinking, telling Mike she was off to a party where drugs and alcohol were definitely involved? What if he chooses to invite himself? Be caught at a Party with Mike while Emily sits at home. In a sadistic way, though, she wanted to see Emily cry as she finally got Mike wrapped around her own finger.

Oh nice

...

..

...

Whose party is it?

“Fuck.”