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War was just about to enter the locker room after a soccer game with his friends when he heard Yin's voice behind the door. He stopped abruptly, a strange feeling in his chest.
“No, don't be ridiculous.”
“You were just standing on the sidelines staring at him for practically minutes—don't tell me you don't have a huge crush on him. It's obvious,” Bonz replied teasingly, and War didn't need to see him to know he was grinning broadly. War frowned in amusement, not really surprised that Bonz was teasing Yin about his looks in War’s direction again. This happened at least once a week.
Yin snorted loudly. “I could give you at least 10 reasons why I wouldn't fall in love with War.”
War's grin suddenly froze on his face.
This was new, for Yin to protest so vehemently that he even indirectly spoke badly about War. Usually, he would just grin, roll his eyes and let Bonz talk.
War pressed his lips together, an unpleasant feeling in the pit of his stomach making him push the door open harder than necessary.
Yin and Bonz flinched, both looking at him with wide eyes: Bonz surprised, Yin almost a little guilty.
War made no secret of having heard his words. “10 reasons, huh? Can I see that list?”
“What?” Yin asked, perplexed. War saw his Adam's apple bob as he swallowed.
He tilted his head mockingly, the grin on his lips devoid of any humor. “Your 10 reasons why you wouldn't fall in love with me. Write them down—I'd really love to know what's so terrible about me.” He heard himself how hurt he sounded, but still tried not to let this feeling show on the outside.
Yin blinked and for a moment looked as if War had punched him. War saw something like panic flicker in his eyes. “No, that's not what I meant, it's—"
“Write him the list,” Bonz interrupted suddenly, calm and observant in contrast to the two of them, his gaze flickering back and forth between Yin and War.
Yin looked at him as if Bonz had just stabbed him in the back. Maybe he did. “Excuse me?”
Bonz shrugged nonchalantly. He began to change his clothes, as if all hell wasn't breaking loose between Yin and War. “Write it. I'd be very interested to know, too.”
War nodded slightly, watched Yin frown and lower his gaze to the floor, perplexed. You could practically see it rattling behind his forehead. “This is a joke, isn't it? You don't really want me to write this list?”
“Yes, I do,” War said, his voice hard and final, as he turned around and left the locker room without changing. He slammed the door loudly behind him.
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“That hurt him,” Bonz murmured quietly, staring at the door War had just disappeared through.
A lump formed in Yin's stomach and his throat tightened as he ran both hands through his hair, almost frantically. War had never spoken to him like that before—but Yin had never given him a reason to, either.
Until now.
Until he'd said those stupid, stupid words because he'd suddenly felt so caught out. He should have gotten used to Bonz teasing them both by now, but sometimes, like now, he'd hit a nerve—and this time Yin hadn't been able to just ignore it. It had felt too revealing, too vulnerable.
“Oh God, what do I do now? I didn't want him to hear this,” Yin moaned in agony, looking to Bonz for help, as if he held all the secrets of the universe.
Bonz lifted one corner of his mouth. “Like I said: You're writing this list.”
Yin looked at him in shock. “Are you crazy? That will only make him even more angry and hurt!”
“Not if you're honest.”
Yin blinked at him in surprise, opened his mouth to reply, then changed his mind as he considered Bonz's words.
Not if you're honest.
Again, that vulnerable flutter at the frightening suspicion in his chest that Bonz knew far too much and saw through him far too well. It seemed as if Bonz was the only one who had the complete picture. As if he was already hundreds of steps ahead of Yin and War.
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Yin sat down in his bed that same evening to write that stupid list. He stared at the blank sheet of paper for what felt like an eternity, wondering what he could write that would ease War's anger at him—that might make them both laugh.
But Yin was unsuccessful.
No phrase in his head felt right; the feelings he wanted to write down weren't his own, seemed fake and forced.
Groaning, he slumped back against the pillows and stared at the ceiling for a few moments, frustrated. Then he took out his phone, scrolled through his photos, and finally opened one of him and War—one of his favorites.
In the photo, they were both pressing their cheeks together, Yin's face scrunched up, his eyes narrowed in a grin, while War's face beamed, his eyes wide and sparkling, a happy smile revealing the dimple in his cheek.
As always, when War smiled—oh, as always, when War simply existed—this feeling rose in Yin's chest, making it difficult for him to breathe. The feeling so intense, so honest, that it often frightened him—as it did today, when his mouth had acted faster than he could think.
War was special to him, unique, his number one, with whom he could not only talk and laugh for hours, but who also made his heart race whenever War looked at him. Especially when he wore that shy look, he drove Yin completely crazy.
Yin took a deep breath, suddenly his head full of phrases that made his hand long to write them down.
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“Here.”
War looked up as Yin suddenly held out a folded piece of paper. “What is this?”
Yin looked at him incredulously. “What do you mean—what is this? The list you wanted.”
Confused, War frowned and looked at the piece of paper in Yin's hand, still making no move to take it.
Yin had really written that list?
War had initially meant his request seriously—he'd wanted to read those 10 reasons because Yin's words had hurt him and he simply wanted to know what his reasons would be. He'd always trusted Yin that he‘d never talk badly about him behind his back—and then he'd burst into the locker room and been proven wrong. It had hurt because he felt like Yin had somehow betrayed him. And it had also hurt for reasons War usually relegated to the back of his mind because they could ruin everything.
That Yin had written the list still surprised him, as he hadn't expected Yin to actually agree to his defiant demand.
Fear settled in War’s chest as he still stared at the piece of paper, not knowing what to expect. Had Yin really listed 10 reasons why he would never fall in love with him?
Was War stupid? Why had he challenged him? These reasons wouldn't shed light on the darkness; they would simply leave him devastated. Every fear of his captured on a stupid piece of paper.
Yin pressed said paper against War‘s chest, the look in his eyes unreadable.
War reached for it shakily, and Yin abruptly withdrew his hand, averting his gaze.
His insides clenched painfully as the piece of paper lay heavy and portentous in his hand.
Since Yin remained silent but at the same time didn't move from his spot, War suspected he was waiting for him to read the list in his presence.
Wow, so he wanted to watch him collapse—wonderful.
War cleared his throat, then slowly unfolded the piece of paper, mentally bracing himself that the words he was about to read would nip any hope in the bud.
Reason #1:
You can be both playful and serious – and sometimes I just want to shake you because you're such a pain in the ass. But it's never boring with you, and I don't understand why other people sometimes ask me if you're too much or too annoying, because I laugh the most with you.
Reason #2:
You can do anything. You have more talent in your little finger than others even have in their entire body. It's annoying. I'm so incredibly proud of you.
Reason #3:
When you tell a story, you tell it with your whole body and get completely absorbed in it—I could listen to you for hours.
With every word, the fear in War's stomach disappeared a little more, but instead, his heart was pounding in his throat as he looked up from the note and into Yin's face.
Yin just nodded encouragingly, gently but otherwise still unreadable.
War swallowed and read on.
Reason #4:
You're so competitive. If you don't win, you go crazy. You need to win. That should annoy me, but somehow it doesn't.
Reason #5:
You laugh too much, and every time you do, you drive me crazy with that dimple.
Reason #6:
You don't do anything half-heartedly; you always give your best, everywhere—and you inspire me to give my best, too. You make me a better person.
Reason #7:
When you walk into the room, everything else somehow becomes insignificant, as if your presence makes everything make sense.
Tears welled in War's eyes, and he struggled to read the words as his pulse pounded in his ears. He was acutely aware of Yin's gaze on him, and War raised his head to look at him again. “What is this?” he asked quietly, his voice a whisper, rough and husky, full of emotion.
Yin's gaze flickered intensely, unmistakably emotional himself. “Keep reading,” he croaked.
Reason #8:
Our friendship means everything to me, you mean everything to me, and I don't want to lose you at any cost. You are literally a part of me.
Reason #9:
If I fell in love with you, I would never be able to fall out of love again.
War's breath caught in his throat as his eyes repeatedly scanned that final reason on the page, his heart pounding wildly in his chest, a ringing in his ears.
He let out a stifled laugh, a tear snaking from the corner of his eye and rolling down his cheek. Almost angrily, he wiped it away with one hand. “This reads like a goddamn love letter.” Disbelief in his voice, a flutter in his chest.
Yin reached for the piece of paper and turned it over in War's hands so he could see the back. In the middle of the paper, he had written Reason #10.
Reason #10:
I'm already in love with you.
“Because it is,” Yin whispered softly into the silence between them, while War made a strangled noise. No matter how hard he fought it, it was no use: suddenly the tears burst forth, his face crumpled as he sobbed.
Yin immediately took him in his arms, his arms warm and safe around him, always War's favorite place. While War clawed at his back and pressed his tear-stained face against his shoulder, his body shaking with suppressed sobs, Yin gently stroked his back and pressed his lips against his temple.
“I'm so sorry I said that to Bonz,” Yin whispered softly in his ear.
War could only nod.
Yin breathed against his cheek, sending tingles down War's spine. “I meant it,” he whispered. “I'm really in love with you.”
War wrinkled his nose and leaned back a little in Yin's arms to look at him. His face was probably flushed from crying, but at the moment, War couldn’t care less, because Yin was still looking at him as if he'd never seen anything more beautiful. “I...”
Yin didn't let War finish, his voice suddenly hectic with a hint of panic. “I know I shouldn't—we're friends and this is ruining everything, but...”
Before Yin could finish, War stood on tiptoe, placed his hands on Yin's neck, and gently pressed his lips to his. The touch was feather-light at first, a simple press of lips to lips, but when Yin inhaled in surprise and then began to kiss back as if his life depended on it, the kiss quickly became more intense, more urgent.
War teased Yin's lower lip, flicking his tongue over it, and sighed into the kiss, his heart racing and the salty taste of his own tears on Yin's lips. Yin hummed contentedly, pressing his fingers eagerly into his back and deepening the kiss.
War didn't know how long they kissed, completely blocking out the world around them, but at some point, Yin pulled away, his eyes dazed and his pupils dilated, staring longingly at War's lips, as if he wanted to kiss him again immediately.
War's heart leaped. “You idiot,” he breathed out before his mind could catch up, but his voice dripped with affection. When Yin raised his eyebrows, War rolled his eyes with a grin. “I'm in love with you too,” he croaked, his voice rough with feelings he could finally say out loud after six years.
Yin's eyes broke into a happy smile, a hint of disbelief as he studied War as if he couldn't believe his own ears.
How could Yin have doubted for even a moment that War reciprocated his feelings?
But even if he harbored these doubts forever, War would simply remind him every day how he felt about him.
Even if he had to write such a cheesy, heart-pounding list himself.