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The smell of dirt and rain fills Akutagawa’s nose. He had been looking at the rain for a long time. The sound of water touching the floor, mud painted itself across the street. He has been distracted for a while. So much thought process goes through his head. It's been weeks since the fight with Fyodor, and the weretiger has shown no sign of waking up.
There was this one question that always runs around his head. ‘After what happened…what is the relationship between me and the weretiger? ’?. Enemy? Not. No enemy’s heart would hurt seeing the other died. Rivals? Also no. No rivals felt their heart beating when they were together. Then… What are they?
The cold pricked his skin, memories of Atsushi flooded his brain. He felt… Sad that the weretiger is in the state because of him, Happy that they have saved everyone, and anxious that Atsushi will never wake up. His heart beats even faster at the idea of the weretiger never waking up. He starts to break out in a cold sweat.
The moon shines brightest Akutagawa has ever seen. As the wind blew softly, the sound of leaves getting shifted away is somewhat calming for him. Star calls out for him, telling him to go find Atsushi. He smiles at the idea of him and Atsushu together.
The realization hits harder than a truck. He felt his heart skip a beat and blushes started creeping up his face. He slowly crept out of his apartment. The silence deafens his ears as he continues to walk. He let his heart lead him, leg dragging his whole body. Street light gently touches his body, creating a shadow. His shadow that showed wasn’t him but Atsushi’s. He is always in the back of his brain. The string holding him together is soon to rip, but he can’t fall apart now.
The city light blocked the stars in the sky, it reminded him when he wished he’d get to see stars outside the city with Atsushi. One day, he thought. Sometimes when he goes to sleep, he always dreams of them holding hands walking through the street. And in that dream, he found what he always wanted, needed. Affection.
He used to hate the weretiger. He USED to think that Atsushi always got what he needed and what he wanted, Dazai’s affection. Sorrow dances in his heart, while city lights flash his body. Small breezes grow. The star dim down as he continues to walk further into the city. He wished he’d hug the weretiger. It's stupid, he knows. He wished he’d take that hit instead of the younger. The picture is still vivid in his brain.
Even when he was near death, he thought that the person who would come to mind would be Dazai-san. But no. It was Atsushi. He felt his world end when that sword hit the weretiger.
Akutagawa always knows he isn’t a good person. But meeting Atsushi make him thinks he’s the worst person in the world. Atsushi’s smile, awkward laugh, his warmth. All of them slowly fading away.
He recalls yesterday's talk with Dazai. Dazai had told him that Atsushi was in a critical condition and might now recover. He noticed the dullness in his ex-mentor eye. The expression he thinks that Dazai could never express. He’d wish he could hold Atsushi a little longer. Maybe he could get a chance to express his feelings.
He’d made a promise with atsushi at the battle field. Soon after the battle ends, Atsushi will cook him some food and both of them will take a break and go on a vacation. But that never happened. Maybe yet or maybe never. He can’t let go of Atsushi. He can never. Because how could he let go of Atsushi, When his smile can chase away all of his doubts and hatred. Akutagawa just wished that his dream would come true one day.
However, that never happened.
Week past, the weretiger had no sign of getting better.
In his dream, he dreams of him saying things he always wanted to say. He know that this dream was just a distraction from reality.
One day, like a shattered glass, Atsushi could now hold on anymore and decided to let go.
Dazai looked absolutely disorientated; huge eye bags, red eyes, messy hair. He felt his heart beat too fast. Words from his mentor were like a knife going straight to his heart. “Atsushi is… in a better place now”. That was what his mentor said. He felt like the string snapped, he felt his eyes getting wet. He screams, begs, cries, like a broken person. He felt a piece in him get crushed. He never gets to say things he wanted to say, he hasn't hugged Atsushi yet.
He is used to people dying, so why, so why did this one hurt so much.
He lay down on his sofa, looking out his window, imagining the city light as stars. He imagined that the coldness wrapped around him as Atsushi’s warm hand. He felt more tears rushing down like a broken tap of water.
And then he decided to keep it together until his partner's funeral. Akutagawa could laugh, what he expressed to Atsushi could be called more than a partner's feeling.
Clouds form on Atsushi’s funeral day. Their sunshine is not here anymore.
Kyoka looks like she’d been crying all day, Kunikida looks sad and distressed. He notices that some of the agency members are missing. Oh right… Not everyone is lucky like him. Dazai was crouching next to the casket.
The morning passed like a flash. He’d gone back to his apartment. It used to be shared with his sister, but now that his sister is gone along with a few other members of the black lizard, it was his apartment now.
Tears began to form in his eyes again.
Kyoka had told him that Atsushu woke up a couple of times during the day, that he was… still breathing. She had told him that Atsushi was always asking about him. Even when we were about to die, he had given us something. Kyoka gave him a bag. It was a brand new light grey coat as a replacement for the one Atsushi had taken.
As soon as he reached his bedroom, he collapsed on the floor. He let out a devastating cry. He cried and cried for hours until his body couldn’t take it anymore. He quietly whispers
“I love you, Atsushi.”
Maybe when he dreams again, he can dream of him and Atsushi together. Just them. No one else. He and Atsushi would laugh and hug each other. He dreamed of how warm Atsushi is. He dreams of them going to get coffee together and talk for hours. But after all…
All he could do is dream.