Chapter Text
The funeral was supposed to be the worst day. It was supposed to be the day of tears, of grief, of sheer, heart wrenching agony. On the funeral, any and all emotion that had built up over the time leading to the ceremony would be let out. Everyone would get to properly express how they felt over the lost ice elemental, whether it was through sobs, strained talking, or just complete silence.
And then, afterwards, life would gradually regain its spark. The burden of loss would ease, before fading completely. Things would become easier over time.
The funeral was supposed to be the absolute worst day.
But nothing could have prepared Cole for the morning that followed.
Already when he stirred from his sleep due to a stream of sunlight peeking through a small opening in his curtains, the master of earth only managed to get three beautiful seconds of pure naivety and bliss before everything came crashing down on him at once.
In an instant, staying in bed for the rest of the day, or for the rest of eternity, seemed incredibly tempting.
Turning away from the light and nuzzling his face deeply into his sheets, Cole desperately attempted to force all the negative memories out. The night had been hard enough. Nightmares had plagued him ever since that god awful day. The context varied, but it always ended up in the same damn way; A frozen wasteland, blue icicles, piles of snow, and…
The black ninja sat up and rubbed his eyes, which had bags under them. He was definitely not going to be able to fall asleep again.
Cole’s stomach turned as he glanced down at his little night stand. The piece of Zane’s face. He still kept it in his bedside drawer, although he hadn’t been physically able to look at it ever since. Still, it felt way too important to not keep. None of the other ninja were aware of the fact that a piece of a literal dead body plating was on the bounty. And none of them would ever get to know. Some things were better left unsaid.
The black haired hugged his knees, laying his head down and staring into his wall. He felt… Empty. No other word would describe the feeling better.
The past weeks, every day that had gone by after the sacrifice, had been full of Zane. Everyone talked about him. Every ninja. Every citizen. Everyone.
And now? Now that the funeral was over and the memorial was built?
Life would just… move on! People would keep going to school, going to work, meeting friends, getting married, everyone would live their fucking life to the fucking best! Meanwhile Cole’s life had completely come to a stop.
It was so bloody unfair.
Maybe sleep wouldn’t be that bad after all. Nightmares were all around him even when he was awake anyway. Just as Cole was about to lay down and close his eyes again, a loud grumble from his stomach made him stop.
The emptiness was perhaps not just metaphorical. First Master, when was the last time he had eaten something? The funeral? Now that Cole thought about it, he couldn’t recall the last time he ate something proper.
If he couldn’t fall asleep again before, he most definitely could not with what felt like a big black hole in his stomach.
Removing the sheets from on top of his and actually getting out of the bed was the first obstacle. It was so difficult to find the energy to do it, that Cole almost couldn’t believe he had fought an army of nindroids and the literal Overlord a mere month ago.
Perhaps if he had tried a little harder to defeat the Overlord, the current situation would be different.
And then it was the walk to the kitchen. Even taking the steps towards his door was tiring. The hunger on top of the grief left him drained from even the smallest action.
The bounty was silent, making the creaking of Cole’s door the only present noise. The master of earth only had a limited knowledge about where the others were. Lloyd had escaped to the Garmadon’s own monastery. Jay had left straight after the funeral, having given a quick murmur about a job offer to Nya before leaving. Nya herself was probably in her cave, taking her frustration out by building and building various vehicles until her hands fell off. Cole didn’t know where Kai, Wu, or Pixal were.
Their group, no, family, had never been this fractured. And it was hard to imagine them ever being the same team they once were. Not without…
Cole swallowed. Enough.
He soon found himself in the kitchen. It was just as quiet there. The absence of the familiar sound of cutlery scraping against plates paired with chatter and the clattering of pans and pots from the stove made Cole’s heart sink. He hadn’t realized just how much it was possible to miss that sound. How much it was possible to miss anything that he had earlier regarded as ‘the usual’.
Cole opened the fridge. He knew deep down that what he really needed was a proper meal. The fridge was of course extremely empty, since no one had found the motivation to go grocery shopping. However, there was a bit of bread, cheese, a few carrots, and even some eggs. Enough food to cook a mediocre breakfast. Or rather a lunch, Cole stated as he saw that the clock was way past 12.
But he quickly discarded the plan to make a huge meal. There was no way he could summon that kind of motivation or energy. Cole spotted a small juice box and a granola bar that was most likely both dry and old. Perfect.
He picked both items up, ready to go straight back to his room and collapse on his bed once again, when-
«That alone will not keep you full, you know.»
Cole completely froze in the middle of a step, halfway to the door.
No. That voice.
It couldn’t be!
Slowly, the black ninja turned his head to the left, facing towards the kitchen counter. Once he had, his now shaking hands dropped both the juice box and the granola bar.
There, casually leaning against the counter like it was the most natural thing to do, Zane stood. His blue eyes shone as beautifully as they always had, and his blond hair was slightly ruffled, just the way Cole liked it. He wore the white gi he had used for all those weeks leading up to…
«I had hoped you would at least keep yourself well fed after my departure,» the nindroid added with a sad smile.
Cole had no idea what to say. Eventually, he got out; «Zane…?»
«Hi, Rocky.»
«But...But you… You died!»
Zane grimaced. «Yes, that wasn’t the most pleasant experience.»
It took everything Cole had to not bolt over to the deceased master of ice, scoop him up in his arms and never let go. But the logical part of his brain still fought. «I don’t understand…»
Zane opened his mouth to reply, but interrupted by another voice chiming in.
«Cole?»
Cole whipped towards the doorway, where Kai stood. His eyes were still sleepy, showing that he had most likely just woken up. Cole had honestly believed that Kai was out of the monastery as well.
Kai’s face showed confusion. «Who are you talking to?»
«I-» Cole gestured to the counter. «Don’t you see? He’s back, Kai! Look!» The pure joy in his voice was close to embarrassing, but Cole couldn’t care less.
The fire ninja looked to where Cole pointed, and furrowed his brows. «What am I supposed to be looking at?»
«What? Just look!» Cole exclaimed, turning his head back towards Zane. «He’s right th-» He stopped in the middle of his sentence. The kitchen counter was bare. Nobody was leaning against it. Nobody was there.
«No...» The master of earth whispered. «I don’t- He was- I promise he was there!» His voice sounded so desperate that Cole felt pathetic.
Kai looked at him with an odd expression, a sort of mix between worry and pity. Cole didn’t know which one he hated more. «Cole… There’s no one there.»
«I swear I saw him, it was him! It was Zane!»
«No it wasn’t!» Kai’s voice was suddenly louder than Cole expected. He sounded angry. No, not angry. There was something deeper there. «He’s dead Cole! He’s dead and he’s… not coming back.» The red ninja swallowed and looked down.
Cole was almost frantic at this point. «But…»
«No. I’m sorry. He’s gone.» Kai turned around and started walking back towards his room. He stopped halfway down, speaking over his shoulder. «I think you should get some more rest.»
With that, Cole was left alone.
____________________
Later that day, Cole leaned against the railing of the Destiny’s Bounty. Night had dropped its dark cloak over the sky, and a chilly breeze swept through his messy and unkept hair.
«The moon is beautiful tonight.»
Cole nearly fell off the ship when the unexpected guest made their presence clear. He took in a deep breath when he regained his balance, and tried to check if his heart was still beating after the sudden startle. He didn’t bother to fully look at the other. He could already see the flash of a white gi from the corner of his eye.
«Zane.»
A hum confirmed his guess to be correct.
Cole bit the inside of his cheek and looked up at the sky, still avoiding meeting the other’s gaze. He ironically ended up looking at the bright full moon instead. «It doesn’t work anymore. I know you’re not really here.»
Cole could feel the blue eyes burning holes into the side of his face with their stare. Eventually, Zane sighed. «I think a part of you knew all along. Dead people don’t just show up in the kitchens of the living, do they.»
The master of earth didn’t reply, which led to silence stretching on. In reality, Cole was waiting for what he now knew was a hallucination of Zane to disappear, to flicker and be gone, just like the real one did. But it didn’t happen.
After a few minutes, Cole couldn’t stand it anymore and turned towards the white ninja. «Why are you still here? I just said you’re not real!»
«Exactly,» Zane said softly. «You know I’m not real. So why am I still here Cole?»
To that, Cole had no answer at all.
«You’re harboring something. You haven’t been able to let go.»
«Of course I haven’t!» The words came out sharper than Cole had intended. He took a moment to recollect himself, taking a deep breath as he laid down on the deck to stare up at the stars. «If you’re not real…» Cole bit his lip, forcing away the tears that had started to gather. «Can I still talk to you, at least?»
Zane averted his gaze for a moment, seemingly in thought. But he soon laid down beside Cole.
«Ok.»
Cole didn’t know when he fell asleep. Only when he woke up on the deck the next morning, alone, did it hit him.
_____________________
«…and then, Jay just left! Out of the blue!» Cole exclaimed. The poor carrot he was chopping got turned into smaller and smaller pieces as the black ninja took his rage out on it. «The only person he cared to tell was Nya, and even she didn’t get a good explanation!»
Zane didn’t answer from where he stood beside Cole, but nodded to show he was listening.
Cole put the knife down entirely. «Now I know he’s gonna host some sort of game show, an ad for it popped up on the TV. What happened to ‘ninja never quit’!?»
The other didn’t reply at once. After a moment of thinking, the nindroid asked Cole a question. «Are you angry with Jay?»
Cole tensed, not expecting that question. «Well, yes of course! He shouldn’t have left. At least not without talking to me!»
«Are you sure you’re not confusing anger with the fact that you miss him?»
The black ninja’s eyes widened. «Wha- I don’t!»
Zane smiled, but without his eyes. «Then why are you only blaming him for leaving, and not Lloyd?»
That caught Cole off guard completely. He had no answer. Instead, he went back to cutting the abandoned carrot, avoiding all eye contact.
«I think your emotions run deeper than you simply associating Jay with anger, or even a form of loss,» Zane stepped closer, his hand wavering in the air. It looked like he wanted to place it on Cole’s shoulder, but he retracted it in the end. «I think it’s guilt.»
Cole’s grip on the knife tensed. «No! That’s not at all what-»
He stopped when he saw that he was the only one in the kitchen.
_____________________
Cole’s feet softly padded along the corridor in the Destiny’s Bounty. He pulled his blanket tighter around him as he yawned loudly, covering his mouth to not wake up Kai and Nya. It was the middle of the night after all.
Strangely, for the first time since… it happened, he had not been having a nightmare. However, the dream hadn’t been comforting either. It was something in between. It had been dreamless to a point, yet it had left a highly uncomfortable feeling spread across his whole body. It was strange. And it wasn’t pleasant.
When he woke up, Cole found himself longing for the feeling of comfort, badly. He needed something to ground him.
Or someone.
He stopped in front of the door, hesitating. It had been closed ever since his death. Although no words were said about it, a silent vow had been made between all the residents on the Destiny’s bounty. His room was off limits.
But every vow had to get broken at some point. It took a significant amount of willpower, but in the end, Cole managed to twist the doorknob and step inside Zane’s quarters.
As soon as he laid his eyes on the familiar room, a thousand different thoughts and feelings hit the master of earth all at once. How many hours and days hadn’t he spent in there? How many good memories didn’t he have from here? For a few seconds, Cole wanted to leave the room, close the door and never open it again.
The room was dusty. It had never been dusty before. He never liked dust, he always cleaned his room at least a handful of times a week. Now there was no one left to do that anymore.
Cole swallowed, and felt his arms closing the door behind him before his legs moved towards the ice elemental’s bed. It was still made. Zane hadn’t known that the last time he made his bed would actually be the last time.
Running his hand over the blanket, Cole relished in the feeling of the soft material. He knew it so well from having laid on top of it countless times. One more wouldn’t hurt.
The black ninja slowly lowered himself down onto the bed. His own dark blanket got abandoned on the floor as he wrapped Zane’s light blue one over himself instead. Closing his eyes, Cole thought back to the previous time he had been in this room, how similar his position was back then. Only that back then, there was another person in the room with him.
It had a full month since Zane’s sacrifice, which meant it had been even longer since this bed had been occupied by its owner. And yet, if Cole really focused, he could still smell him in the sheets. It was faint, but it was there. His stomach turned by the thought that one day, the smell would be all gone.
«I think you made the wrong turn in the corridor, darling.»
Cole’s eyes flew open, and he quickly sat upright in the bed. Sitting in the chair by the desk, Zane sat as calmly as ever, one leg crossed over the other. The blonde was staring out of the window, gazing at the starry sky. His blue eyes then swept across the room until they met Cole’s own. «You have made a rather interesting choice of where to sleep for the night.»
Rubbing his eyes with one hand to erase the traces of the few tears that had managed to gather, Cole avoided answering at first. He would be lying if he said that he had solely gone to Zane’s room for the furniture. A part of him had hoped to see the nindroid as well.
«I wanted to be close to you,» Cole admitted. «As close as I can be. You didn’t exactly make it easy for me with your…» He stopped himself there, the words dying in his throat. God, a whole month had passed, and he still struggled to come to terms with the event. «Anyway, you’re here now.»
«No I’m not, Cole,» Zane said quietly. «My body is blown to pieces.»
Cole laid down again, nuzzling into the soft sheets. «Don’t. I get reminded of that enough. Just… I just need one nice thing. One light in the big darkness. Please.»
Zane didn’t reply, but he didn’t leave either. After a few minutes of Cole burying himself in the blankets smelling so faintly of the deceased ice elemental, the master of earth heard his friend's? voice.
«It won’t bring me back. I truly am sorry, but it won’t. Neither will keeping… that in your drawer.»
Cole froze, as he knew exactly what Zane was referring to. Yet, he decided to play stupid. «Keep what?»
«You know what I am talking about. Lingering doesn’t make anything better. It only delays it.»
«I know!» The black haired exclaimed bitterly, sitting up again. It came out louder than planned, so he took it down a notch again to not wake the other residents of the ship. «And tomorrow, I have to endure yet another day of hell on earth, because you’re no longer in my life! Tomorrow will be another day of solitude. Another day of pity from strangers and silence from my teammates. Another day of hating myself for what I did!»
The nindroid winced. «You didn’t do anything wrong, Cole.»
«You know that’s not true. And tomorrow I’ll face it once again. So let me have tonight. Please.»
Zane looked unsure, but eventually gave in. «Ok.» He went back to staring out the window.
«No, wait,» Cole hesitated. «Could you… maybe come lay down with me?»
This caught Zane off guard, and he raised his brows. «Well, I wish I could. However, there is no logical reason for me to. I don’t exist, so it won’t make any difference.»
«I don’t care about that. I only want you to be with me. Real or not, you’re what I need.» Cole couldn’t stop his voice from breaking at the end, and a tear fell down. «Please Zane.»
Zane nodded, and made his way over to the bed. Cole lifted the sheets to give room, then immediately turned his face against the wall as to not get his imagination crushed by the heavy hand of reality. Seeing the blanket collapse through Zane wasn’t what he needed.
But even though Zane insisted that he wasn’t real, Cole could have sworn he felt the bed dip on the other’s side. At least he was 90% sure. Or 20.
_____________________
«That’s my favorite picture.»
Cole didn’t get startled anymore when Zane’s soft voice marked his presence. Instead, he kept staring at the photo he was holding while sitting on the edge of his bed. «Mine too.»
Said photo had been carefully hidden ever since it was taken, but after Zane’s death, Cole hadn’t even taken it out to look at it himself. It had hurt too much.
On the picture, the lips of the ice ninja were pressed to his own. One of Cole’s hands held the polaroid camera, the other was placed around Zane’s neck, pulling him closer. Zane’s own hands cupped Cole’s cheeks. The photo was a bit blurry and not at all professionally taken, but it had captured pure happiness. A now foreign feeling to the master of earth.
It was also the last and only piece of evidence proving their relationship. Cole had obviously not been in need of any form of ‘evidence’ before, but now that Zane was…
He needed to remind himself those months hadn’t been a dream.
«I’m sorry Zane,» Cole whispered, as the hands which held the picture trembled. «I’m so sorry.»
The white ninja made his way from the other side of the room to kneeling in front of Cole. «What for?»
Cole put the photo aside and gestured with his hands. «Everything! I’m sorry for not being there! I’m sorry for- for being so scared, so distracted…»
«Ah,» Zane said gently. «We’re getting to the root of the problem, aren’t we?»
Cole didn’t even have it in him to deny. His silence was enough of an answer for the other.
«Cole, you need to understand that my sacrifice was purely my choice. I did it to protect you. It was my decision, and the consequences are my responsibility.»
«You shouldn’t have had to do it! I should have been there for you, helping you! Instead, I was…» Cole swallowed. He couldn’t bring himself to say it.
Zane helped him along. «Jay and Nya.»
Cole could only nod. «When Nya first showed me… attention, I didn’t know what to do. I already knew from day one that I didn’t have what she was looking for. And yet…» he swallowed. «I played along. I led her on, completely destroying my friendship with Jay. To top it off, I ruined Jay’s and Nya’s relationship as well.»
«So my assumptions were right then?» Zane asked. «You feel guilty about the both of them?»
The earth elemental shrugged. «Probably. They now barely talk to one another because of me. And I did all of this for no reason at all! I never loved Nya. I loved you.»
Zane’s face melted into a smile at his words, but it disappeared quickly, getting replaced with an unreadable expression. «Which is why you did what you did.»
Cole’s eyes had started to water, and with a blink of his eyes, salty tears started to roll down. He spent a minute silently crying before he finally gathered the words. «I- I guess I’ve never really accepted myself for who I am. The only one I told, before you of course, was my dad. He didn’t…. H-He didn’t take it well. So when I fell for you, and when you reciprocated the feelings, I was terrified. Being with you felt so right, and yet…»
«The fear of how the others might have reacted never left.»
«Yeah.»
«So you pretended to like Nya so your true feelings for me, and our relationship, wouldn’t get revealed.»
Cole held back a sob. «Yeah…»
Zane gave a hum, and got up to sit down beside him on the bed instead. Cole wanted so badly to wrap his arms around him, to rest his head on his shoulder, to kiss him, to do everything he now couldn’t. But he didn’t. He resorted to pulling up his legs and wrapped his arms around them.
None of them spoke. While the silence was appreciated at first, it began to eat at Cole the longer it lasted. It felt like something was crawling under his skin. He had expected some form of rage from the other, but it never came.
«Why aren’t you saying anything?» Cole said, wiping his tears and turning towards Zane.
Zane turned to face him as well. «What would you like for me to say?»
«I- I don’t know! You’re supposed to be mad at me! I literally hid you from the rest of the team because I was scared. And due to the ridiculous and meaningless argument with Jay, which I didn’t even properly discuss with you, I wasn’t there enough for you in your last days alive!» Cole stumbled over his words and rapidly gestured with his hands to emphasize his point. He then looked down and laughed bitterly. «Look at where it all led me. Here I am, speaking with your ghost. Karma’s a bitch I suppose.»
«I’m not a ghost Cole. I’m not real at all. It’s all in your mind.»
«I know that,» Cole said with a scoff, hugging his knees tightly against his chest.
Zane only shook his head and rose from where he had been sitting. «No, I don’t think you do anymore.»
Cole tensed at that, and looked up. «What? What do you-»
But it was too late. Zane was already gone.
_____________________
Something changed after that day. From the second Zane had left after confronting Cole, Cole came to the realization that he no longer saw the difference between the hallucinations and the real nindroid. Not to mention, it seemed like said nindroid only showed up more and more.
If Cole went into the kitchen, he would find Zane by the kitchen counter.
In the living room, Zane laid on the couch with a book.
In front of his bedroom window at night, Zane stargazed.
He was everywhere. Cole didn’t even have to try and ‘summon’ him anymore, he just showed up! It made the black ninja frightened.
One day, it became too much. He had tried to meditate on deck, in order to find some peace inside of him again. He had hoped that finding balance inside of him might’ve helped to restore the balance of the world outside as well. The plan had heavily backfired when he had opened his eyes for a split second, to find Zane leaning against the railing. The sight, which had been such a comfort mere days ago, now struck him with something akin to horror. Zane attempted to speak with him, but Cole got up with haste the second the white ninja’s mouth opened. He ran for the door into the ship, and locked it behind him. There. First Master, he just needed to be in his own company for a while! Why wouldn’t Zane leave him alone!?
Rubbing his eyes, the master of earth made his way to the living room. What could help him focus on something else? A round of video games maybe? The color coded consoles hadn’t been touched since that day, especially not the white one. One of the first things Jay had done when they got home from the battle, as he got a glimpse of the TV, was to shove it down into a drawer, muttering a swearing of death upon those who dared to use it again. Safe to say, Cole would leave it alone. The black console however, was just a little dusty. A round of Fist to Face 2 wasn’t something he was longing to play right now, but it would do fine in making time pass by.
When Cole entered the living room, he stopped dead in his tracks. On the couch, as if it was the most common thing to do, a certain white ninja sat. Zane turned his head towards the new person in the room. «Hi, Cole.»
«No…» Cole whispered, running a hand through his hair as he took a step back. Here too? Without much further ado, he instantly turned around. He ran through the corridors, desperate to reach his own room. At least he could find some peace there, hopefully.
When he turned the last corner before the corridor holding the bedrooms, he smacked into someone. The impact hurt, making Cole groan and fall to the ground. Once he came to himself again, he didn’t dare to open his eyes. He didn’t want to face who he suspected it to be. «Leave me alone, Zane! Let me be!» His voice started to wobble, at the verge of tears. Cole curled up into himself on the floor as the rest of his energy drained away. «Just… Just leave me alone…»
Soon, a warm hand settled on his shoulder. A warm hand that definitely did not belong to Zane. A too warm and solid hand to belong to a dead master of ice. Cole opened his eyes and looked up, meeting the concerned eyes of a certain red ninja. «Cole?»
Cole took a shaky breath, blinking his eyes to make sure his vision told him the truth. «K-Kai?»
Kai nodded, crouching down beside Cole. «What’s going on? Why did you…» Kai swallowed as he averted his gaze. «Why did you call me Zane?»
«I- I thought... I thought you were… I saw him just now, twice! You have to believe me! Two times in a row in two different rooms. He’s haunting me Kai, he won’t leave!» Cole spoke fast, his words coming out messy. «Everywhere I go, I see him!»
Kai visibly winced, his hand retracting from Cole’s shoulder. The expression in his eyes went from concerned to unreadable in a moment. «Cole.»
The black haired just kept ranting. «It’s been like this for weeks, and I- I don’t know what to do anymore-»
«Cole!»
Cole stopped talking when he heard the tone of the other’s voice. It was almost bitter. Pursing his lips, Kai rose back up from where he had sat beside him. «You did not see Zane. You did not.» For some reason, it sounded like Kai not only tried to convince Cole, but also himself. «This… This whole thing you’re doing, it isn’t healthy!»
«But-»
«No.» With that, Kai walked away, heading down the hallway. A tiny minute later, the door onto the deck opened and closed, and Cole soon heard grunts and frustrated yells from that direction. Kai always took his anger out by training.
Cole was left alone in the hallway. Finally, he was completely alone. But it did not grant him the satisfaction and peace he had believed and hoped would come. Instead, it left him hollow. Empty.
It didn’t take long before he buried his face into his hands and sobbed.
______________________
The days melted into one another. Cole lost track of which day in the week it was, which hour it was. Everything was a blur.
All he was aware of was one thing. Zane wouldn’t leave. Cole couldn’t run from him, that he had understood. So the earth ninja had settled on not interacting with him, hoping that it would do something. It did not. When the white ninja realized Cole would not speak to him, he stopped trying to talk to him. He was simply just there. His presence was very much noticeable regardless of him speaking or not.
He tried to fight it. He really did. But the hallucination’s presence still comforted Cole. On the more worse days, he gave in, allowing himself to revel in the familiar joy of being in the same room as his past lover. Allowing himself to pretend.
______________________
It was a grey day when Kai left.
Cole had just left his room, after sitting in there for hours, trying to sketch for the first time since the incident. Zane had been standing behind him, looking over his shoulder. The session didn’t go as well as Cole had hoped, since every drawing at some point suddenly portrayed the same awful day he was trying to forget. It was hard when the main reason for said day was leaning over him.
The second Cole stepped out from his room and closed the door, he startled when Nya suddenly ran past him, angry tears streaking her face. Cole only barely made out the words she was muttering from under her breath. «Stupid, stupid, fucking stupid idiot!»
For a few seconds, Cole stood completely still, not knowing what to do. The part of him that would do quite literally anything for his family screamed at him to go after Nya. However… The more curious part of him made his feet move in the opposite direction. Making a mental note to check on the samurai later, Cole went to investigate what had shaken her up.
Nya had been coming from the door out to the deck. When Cole opened the door, he was unsure of what to expect. What he didn’t expect, was to see Kai standing by the railing, two bags flung over a shoulder each. The Destiny’s Bounty was by Ninjago City’s harbor (when had they landed here?) and Kai was clearly on his way to board land.
«Kai?»
Kai turned around when he heard Cole’s voice. He looked tired, and had clearly just been fighting with Nya, judging by his body language. Kai always hated arguing with his sister, and his body always went a little stiff afterwards. «Hi.»
«What…» Cole couldn’t seem to find the words. «What are you doing?»
The red ninja took a deep breath, and fiddled with the straps on one of his bags. «I’m leaving.»
That one sentence alone hit Cole as hard as if a ten ton truck had crashed into him. For a few seconds he just stood there, mouth open. «What do you mean you’re ‘leaving’?»
«Exactly what I said. I can’t do this anymore.»
«Can’t do what?»
«Everything!» Kai exclaimed. He really did look tired, and the bags under his eyes revealed sleepless nights. «I can’t walk down these halls anymore, I can’t sleep in my room when it’s right next to his, and I can’t be in the kitchen or living room when there’s no one else there! This place is a prison. I’m looking to escape.»
Cole threw his arms out in protest, not even knowing where to start. «You’re just heading off? From everything? Don’t be stupid, you have nowhere to go. What about Nya, Kai? What about me!»
Kai’s eyes narrowed. «Well, you most certainly do not need me. Not when you have Zane to talk to! Oh right, you don’t! You just pretend you do.»
The sudden attack surprised the master of earth. «Don’t- Don’t you dare go there!»
«Why not? You’ve gone mad, Cole!» Kai exclaimed, his eyes now blown wide with anger and fear. «You run around here, blabbering about Zane, and how you can see him. I hate to break it to you, but Zane is DEAD!»
Kai’s harsh words made Cole flinch. He couldn’t help it as his eyes drifted to his right, to see Zane leaning against the railing, staring right back at him.
The master of fire followed his line of sight, and gave a breathless laugh with no amusement in it as he gestured to where Cole was looking. «Don’t tell me you see anything. There’s nothing there! You scare me! I think this place is making you more and more insane, and I don’t want to wait until that happens to me too!»
Cole instantly turned back towards his living friend. «Kai, please don’t do this!»
«I’m sorry.» Kai looked down, refusing to meet Cole’s eyes. «It’s for the best. The team would never work out without him. It’s unavoidable.»
The black haired felt his heart shatter into a million pieces. Kai was truly leaving. He was leaving too. Just like Jay. Just like Lloyd. Any hope which Cole had harbored about the team one day getting back together faded away right in front of his eyes.
«Can’t you just, think about this? Please, reconsider it!»
«I have! And I’ve made my choice,» Kai’s voice was grave as he adjusted the straps that hung over his shoulders. Most of the anger was gone when he said his last words to Cole, replaced with pity. «I hope you find your way in life.»
«No…» Cole’s praying voice went quiet as Kai opened the gate by the railing and started walking down the bridge that led him to the harbor. No matter how much he wanted to run after him and stop him, Cole stood completely still. He could only watch Kai’s back grow smaller and smaller, until he turned a corner and disappeared into the big Ninjago City.
_______________________
Cole couldn’t stay.
That was the only thought going through his brain as he threw clothes, shoes, money, and whatever other necessities he needed into his suitcase.
He couldn’t stay here anymore. Kai was right. He was so right. This place only drove him insane. The very evidence of that was how Zane was sitting on Cole’s bed, watching him pack.
«I’m leaving.»
Zane looked at him, by the looks of it surprised that Cole spoke to him. They hadn’t had a conversation in over a week, as Cole had ignored any form of it. The white ninja sat more upright, tilting his head. «I figured. The way you’re packing is a giveaway.»
Cole bit his lip, focusing only on the suitcase as he dragged the zipper around to close it. «You don’t understand. I’m leaving, and… it might be forever.»
«Oh.» Zane went quiet for some time, before he started fiddling with his hands. «That is very unfortunate to hear.»
«It’s not like I’ll be the first. Jay, Lloyd, Kai, you…» Cole scooted over to the wall, leaning his head back on it. «Come to think of it, I’m actually a bit slow to catch up.»
A hum was given in response. «I never meant for my absence to give such damage to the team. To give such damage to you.» Zane sounded sad, his tone apologetic.
Cole chuckled, but with no humor. «That was solely done by myself, Snowflake. We’ve discussed that.»
«No, we discussed how you must accept that my death was not your fault. It was my decision. Not any other member of the team’s. I understand how you twist and turn the story so you can find a way to blame yourself, but it’s wrong. At the end of the day, it is I who hold the blame for your current situation. I’m sorry about that. But I would have done it all over again to keep you safe.»
Waving his hand, Cole scoffed. «Haven’t you already gone through all of this? I get it!»
«But if you understand, why am I still here?»
«I don’t know!» Cole shouted, staring daggers into the other. «Maybe because you’re haunting me, haunting these walls to remind of how much of a fucking failure I am! By the First Master, Zane, your… your presence makes everything worse! Can you just go away?» Cole abruptly stopped when he saw that he was yelling out in the air. Nobody sat on the bed.
Exhausted from barely doing anything, Cole fell back to leaning against the wall. Great. He really was going mad. Clutching a hand into his hair, he harshly pulled at his dark locks to focus on something else than his thoughts, grunting from the pain. It wasn’t a good enough relief. Maybe it was time to bring those razors back.
Anyway. This whole scene made it clear the sooner he got off this ship, the better. With nothing to remind him of Zane, there would be no more…episodes.
Cole quickly grabbed his finished suitcase and got up. He twisted the doorknob sharply, longing to get away, but froze when the door opened and revealed someone else behind it. A mop of unbrushed raven black hair with two tired brown eyes hidden under. Nya.
«Are you alright?» she said worriedly. «I heard you yell, and-» The sentence got cut in half when the samurai saw what Cole was holding. Her face fell instantly. «No.»
Cole reached for her shoulder in effort to keep her calm. «Hey, Nya…»
«No!» Nya shrugged off his hand and stepped back. «You can’t be serious Cole! Not you too!»
«Please just listen-»
«Absolutely not! You’re leaving as well? You can’t do that to me, you’re not allowed! Do you even know how I’m doing trying to cope with all of this? Do you even care? Jay sure didn’t, Lloyd didn’t, not even Kai did!» Nya seemed like she was on the verge of becoming hysterical, eyes already brimming with angry tears. «You've all just seeped out of here, one by one! What about me? I don’t have any place to go to! »
Cole felt shame fill him, washing over him like a tsunami. Seeing Nya like this… He already knew, had known all along, that he wasn’t into her like that, but she was still a friend to him. A good friend. A sister. «It’s not like that! I’m doing this for myself! I can’t stay in this place any longer when everything reminds me of him.»
«And you think I can? These walls aren’t just a prison to you! The workshop is empty, the kitchen is empty, everything marks his absence over and over again. At least there used to be some living beings in here except for myself! But now? Are you just going to leave me here completely alone?»
The black ninja couldn’t even meet the younger girl’s eyes. This just added onto the already huge pile of guilt he carried for ruining the relationship between her and Jay. «Well… You’ll have Wu?»
The way Nya’s eyes flared up showed Cole that his choice of words was not the best. «Wu? Oh please! Have you even seen him once since the memorial? Face it Cole, you’re dooming me to loneliness! Even more than before!»
«I didn’t mean to, it wasn’t my intention at all Nya! I swear!»
«Save it.» Nya started walking down the hallway to her room, only stopping up once to throw a last glance over her shoulder. «I thought I had found a family. But I was wrong.»
Before Cole could reply, her door was slammed shut. Fuck. After a quick round of thinking, he settled on not going to apologize again, she would never have listened in her current state. He would rather try to call in a few days when she was up to it. Cole took a deep breath, clenched his suitcase tighter and walked out on deck.
They were still parked by Ninjago City from Kai’s departure. Walking over to the gate, Cole sucked in every step he took on the wooden floors, every touch of the smooth railing. Better to just savor it one last time instead of regretting it. Once he reached the end of his short walk, he turned back one last time. Unsurprisingly, Zane was standing on deck, sitting on a small bench beside the mast.
«I guess this is goodbye then,» Cole swallowed. It truly ached to not only leave the Destiny’s Bounty, but also Zane. When he had left the ship, nothing would any longer bring Zane to him. Therefore it was a double-goodbye, both to the place which had become home, and the person who had become home.
Zane clasped his hands in his lap. «You seem awfully sure this will be the last time we see each other.»
«That’s because it is. I wish it wasn’t but the circumstances… Proves otherwise.»
The white ninja grimaced for a second, before smiling. He looked straight into Cole’s eyes with his pale blue ones, the look that made Cole feel like Zane knew the master of earth better than he did himself. «Alright. It was not my intention that it would come to this, but if you’re so sure… I hope for your sake that you are correct. Good luck, Rocky.»
The familiar nickname melted Cole’s heart. In that second, he wished to throw himself at Zane, to stay forever by his side. Raising his hand became oh so difficult, but he finally did it. He gave a last wave when he in reality wanted so much more.
Zane lifted his own hand in return, reciprocating. With that, Cole turned around and walked down the bridge, down the harbor. The plan was to not look back at all. However, Cole overestimated his own strength. He couldn’t help it but whip around when the Bounty was almost out of sight.
No one was by the railing.
He did it.
______________________
Chopping wood was not exactly a hard job for Cole to do, especially not with his super strength.
Of course, that didn’t mean it was a necessarily fun activity. But hey, it provided an income and colleagues! Now, Cole rarely spoke to his fellow colleagues. Actually, he never spoke to them at all. He knew very well they spoke about him though. After all, he was the ‘weird newcomer’ who just ‘showed up the other day’. Not to mention: «Didn’t he use to be one of those ninja?»
Yeah, the gossip was endless. But Cole didn’t care. Let them talk. He came here for a reason, which wasn’t because of money or friends, it was more important: because he needed something to do.
Getting the job was easy enough. A flyer that got handed out in Ninjago City was all it took. It seemed like he was the only one in the area willing to take such a poorly paid job miles away from the city. Even better.
It was a new schedule to get used to, that’s for sure. The tasks were tough, but according to Cole, not tough enough. No matter how many branches he chopped, it did not take his mind away from everything he had attempted to escape. No matter how many heavy loads he carried, it only added onto the heavy weigh of guilt which permanently rested on his shoulders. He couldn’t forget everything that made him come all the way out there. It became extremely clear soon enough.
A bell rung out in the distance, signalizing lunch time. Cole wiped the sweat off of his forehead as he held his axe over his head, before he swung it into the trunk of the tree he was currently high up in, firmly planting it inside the wood. There. It would remain there until he needed it again.
Cole climbed one more branch higher up, and sunk down on it while resting his back against the trunk. Around him, the other lumberjacks started to climb down and headed for the area reserved for lunch tables. Cole rolled his eyes. He sure as hell wasn’t going with them.
A couple of days had passed since his arrival, and he had just ended up sitting alone every lunch break. It didn’t bother him, but the whispers did. Therefore, he decided to remain in his own company today. It wouldn’t make the whispers any quieter, but at least he wouldn’t have to hear them when he sat here. Cole hadn’t brought any lunch that day for this specific reason. Food was not that important anyway.
The sun shone brightly, a golden ray hitting Cole’s face. He leaned towards it, soaking up the warmth. He silently wished a ray of sunlight could hit his life as well. Like previously mentioned, being alone rarely bothered him a lot in these woods, but that did not mean he couldn’t feel lonely. Nya didn’t pick up his calls when he tried to reach her. Lloyd left his phone in the Bounty when he left, and oddly enough never came back for it. Calling Jay or Kai didn’t even cross the black ninja’s mind. But who else other than these four did he have? Who else did he have now that the fifth was…
Yeah. Cole was lonely.
Suddenly, he recalled a certain pack of a certain something which he had stuffed inside his jacket before he left for work today. He had not brought lunch, but maybe this could take its place? Just for today.
It did not feel natural pulling the pack out. Cole had sworn to never use them when he was younger. But at the same time, he had never planned to go through two major losses before he had even turned 18. One time wouldn’t hurt, it was simply just to kill time. And bad memories.
His hands slightly shook as he tried to set the lighter ablaze, but soon enough, a small flame popped out. It was a mere inch away from where he aimed it when…
«You shouldn’t do it.»
Cole nearly dropped the lighter, but regained his grip. The cigarette wasn’t so lucky, and fell down from the tree. Down, down, down, until it landed on the dirt far below.
The aftershocks of the surprise washed over Cole, and he placed a hand over his heart, as if to steady his increasing heart rate. What the actual hell? What the actual hell?
No.
Please.
Just don’t be…
Cole carefully looked up at the branch over him, praying for his gut to be wrong. Unfortunately, it was not. There, half a meter above him, a familiar white-clad nindroid sat, dangling his feet as he looked down at Cole.
«If you smoke once, it’s hard to stop,» Zane said as a matter of fact. «Eventually, you’ll be addicted. I don’t want that for you.»
Cigarettes and smoking was the last thing on Cole’s mind now. «Zane? Wh-What the… What are you doing here!»
Zane tilted his head. «I’m talking to you.»
«No! What are you doing… here?» Cole was well aware that he was close to yelling.
Down on the ground, two lumberjacks who were late out for lunch stared up at him, rolling their eyes and mumbling something before they walked away. «Weirdo.»
The late master of ice shrugged. «First of all, I’m not here. I’m a hallucination. As for why you’re seeing me, I do not know. I cannot answer that. Can you?»
«No…» Cole fought to stay calm, but felt himself starting to hyperventilate. «You shouldn’t be here! You can’t! I did everything to ensure you wouldn’t. I left the Bounty, I came all the way out here, what else is there for me to do!»
«Cole.»
The earth elemental looked up again to see Zane look at him with pity. Oh how he loathed that look.
Zane sighed. «You’ve tried to run from the memories. You’ve tried to run from anything material that resembles me. But Cole, you can’t run away from your own mind. At the end of the day, that’s where I am. I am not in the Bounty’s walls, but in the corners in your head that are structured by guilt and self blame. I will remain there until you’ve let me go.»
Cole was speechless at first. «So…» he blinked away the stray tears that were gathering. «You’re saying that I will never get away then.» It didn’t hurt knowing that Zane would stay with him forever, that thought was lovely. But this Zane wasn’t his Zane. This Zane was made out of air and imagination. He could never touch this Zane, never hug him. He could never properly converse with a version of Zane whose opinions and sentences got made by Cole himself. Seeing Zane like this wasn’t a gift. It was a curse.
«Why me?» The words came out as a strained whisper. Cole’s gaze averted up to the sky, staring as the clear blue which, if it had been a bit paler, resembled his lovers eyes so well. «Why am I the one who is bound to see you like this? Why won’t you leave me alone?»
Zane got off his branch, carefully moving down to sit on Cole’s. «Because,» he said, placing his hand a few inches away from Cole’s leg. «You love me.»
Somewhere inside him, Cole’s metaphorical heart shattered into pieces. Knowing it deeply within himself was something, hearing it from the voice of his late beloved was something else.
«And, I love you,» Zane finished. A small gasp escaped from Cole’s lips, and he reached out for the white-clad, but remembered his fingers would only phase through. He quickly pulled his hand back.
Zane smiled, a smile laced with sadness. «Since I love you, I cannot bear to see you like this. It is my deepest and dearest desire for you to come one step closer to moving on. Release me Cole.»
Tears fell down Cole’s dark cheeks, and he closed his eyes. «I… don’t know how.»
«I think you do,» Zane said. «After all, you won’t find me in material things. And yet, you keep them. Let me go.»
Cole furrowed his brows in confusion, and opened his eyes again as he sat more upright. «What? What’s that supposed to mea-» Once again, the black ninja had to cut himself off when he saw what he dreaded.
Zane was not there. Nobody was.
«No!» Cole exclaimed, stretching his hand out in the air. «You can’t leave me now! What do you mean? How can I let go!»
Obviously, no answer came, only the mere chirping of a few birds. Cole clenched his fist in his hair in desperation, something which had become a habit lately. Zane could not leave him with that! It did not even make any sense! Material things? What material things! Cole kept nothing material that reminded him of Zane anymore. He had left the bounty behind, hadn’t he? What could Zane possibly mean by-
Oh.
Oh.
Suddenly, it became vividly obvious what Zane was referring to. Cole internally facepalmed. He truly was such an idiot.
With a newly fueled determination, Cole yanked out his axe from the trunk and started swinging himself down the multiple branches. His boss would have to give him the next day off.
Cole had another job to do.
______________________
His legs were burning by the time Cole made it up the final step. Whoever designed these stairs must have had the ability to fly, because no one in their right mind added this many steps if they planned to walk it up and down on a daily occurrence.
When Cole pushed the wooden doors open, he made sure to not inhale the black dust which danced around by the motion. It had been well over a year since the Monastery of Spinjitzu burnt down, and as far as Cole knew, nobody had been here since.
Someone had to change that.
Now, where was that tree?
Passing by one of the corners of the monastery, Cole all of a sudden noticed something weird. A couple of wooden pieces were put together in a strange fashion, almost like a table. If there was one thing the master of earth was certain of, it was that wooden planks never fell neatly into a position like that by themselves. The strange sight suddenly made sense when Cole spotted something else. A beautifully woven zabuton was placed in front of the makeshift table. Planks falling into a formation was something, but every pillow and zabuton there was in the monastery had been turned into ashes. Which meant this one had been brought from the outside, after the fire. Perhaps Cole had been wrong about nobody coming here anymore?
A couple of coffee rings on the table revealed the person who had done it. Or, if Cole knew Wu right, the rings came from a cup of tea.
The thought of his old master sitting here all alone was like an icy claw wrapping itself around Cole’s heart. He, and probably the other ninja as well, often brushed over the fact that not only a monastery had fallen that night, but Wu’s childhood home. Did he come here to find comfort? When was the last time he was here? Cole had barely seen his since Zane’s death. Was this one of the places he hid in?
Well, he could think about that later. Cole gripped the bag he had over his shoulder tighter. The thing the bag contained felt heavy, even though it most likely weighed close to nothing.
Cole at last found an opening, and squeezed through the ruins to make his way to the small and hidden backyard the monastery had. Not many of the ninja had cared to spend much time here, except one, which eventually became two. In the garden there was an oak tree, which had miraculously survived the flames. It’s branches stretched up into the sky, some going over the edge of the hill the monastery was seated on.
This was the perfect location. Cole kneeled by the roots of the tree, and finally opened the bag.
Zane’s message to him had at first made little to no sense at all. Something material? What could that be! But as Cole thought a little bit more about it, it dawned on him that of course, Zane meant the material object which resembled him the most of them all. It not only resembled the white ninja, it used to be a part of him.
Cole picked up the faceplate with a trembling hand. It felt wrong to hold it, but at the same time, this was the actual closest he would get to him ever again, as gut wrenching as that was.
When he left the Destiny’s Bounty, the faceplate remained in his bedside drawer. It felt physically wrong to be dragging it around like it was a piece of furniture, not a piece of someone who was so very dear to him. Come to think of it now, keeping it all in all felt wrong. But Cole had been too grief-stricken to even debate giving it up. When he deciphered Zane’s message, he instantly began on his journey to retrieve it again, starting by tracking down the Destiny’s Bounty. It took him hours, looking all over Ninjago City. He had started to fear that the ship had flown away to a place he could never reach, when a helpful citizen told him they’d spotted an old fashioned ship sailing by the beach on the southern tip of the city. Cole had rushed there immediately, and nearly cried in relief when he saw the familiar red wood and white sails.
Stepping aboard the ship, Cole worried about bumping into Nya and accidentally giving her a false impression that he had come back to stay. Luckily, it seemed like she was out at that moment, most likely in her cave. Cole had gone to his room and retrieved the faceplate after a second of hesitation.
Once he had gotten the desired object and gotten off the ship, he sat down on the pier and wondered what he was to do now. Zane had told him to "let him go", and by that, indirectly told him to let go of this. But how? By destroying it? Cole was nowhere near heartless enough to do that, not when he’d seen the rest of the body… He just couldn’t do it.
Soon, the idea of a burial presented itself to him and remained. It seemed perfect. A memorial had been held, yes, but with nothing to bury. Zane deserved a proper funeral. It was the absolute least Cole could do.
It had only been a brief discussion as to when it came to where he would do it. The Birchwood Forest had been a hot contestant, but at the same time, Zane had once told Cole that he never felt at home there due to his memories getting ripped away from him. Therefore, Cole went with the place he knew Zane associated with home the most.
And now, he had made it here.
The second the faceplate was fully out of the bag, Cole, unsurprisingly, heard Zane’s voice from ahead of him. «I take it you understood what I meant.» Zane was sitting on a patch of grass, his legs crisscrossed.
«I did,» Cole nodded. «Doing this is the least I can do. I owe it to you.»
Zane raised a brow and tilted his head. «We’ve talked about this. You do not owe me anything Cole. None of this is your fault. Please do not keep thinking that.»
«No matter what you say, you can’t change what I believe,» Cole mumbled, putting the face plate down to hug his knees. «It’s my mind, my thoughts.»
«But am I not also constructed in your mind? Would not that mean there’s a part of you that knows you’re not the one to blame?»
Cole chose to stay quiet, making Zane sigh. «One day, you will have to accept that you were helpless when it came to my death. I made the choice completely independent, not relying on anything. One day, you will have to accept that. Maybe not today, but this will be a start.»
«What if I can’t do it?» Cole was whispering now. «What if I can’t let you go? »
«I will never leave you, Rocky. Letting me go does not equal to me leaving.» Zane pointed to Cole’s heart. «I’m always with you in there.»
Cole placed a hand over his heart, feeling the steady beating. If Zane left him, but still stayed there… He could try and live with that. «Ok.»
The black haired took out the second thing he had packed in his bag, a tiny shovel. Since he was an elemental master of earth, he could technically just wave his hand to make the earth part, but he didn’t want to. He wanted to do this slowly, properly. A little hard work never hurt.
When the hole was big enough, he stared at it for a few seconds before he gathered the strength to actually pick up the face plate and place it into it. He then looked back at Zane, who was now standing over him. Cole’s dark eyes shone with desperation. «Do you swear you’ll stay with me? Promise?»
Zane smiled warmly, kneeling down to be at eye level with the other. «I promise.»
With a small sob, Cole moved his hand over the hole in the ground, making earth gather on top. He did this all the way, until the faceplate wasn’t visible anymore. There. It was done. The last piece which connected Zane to him. Gone.
Cole rose from the ground as Zane did the same. For a moment, they just looked into each other’s eyes, dark meeting light, black meeting blue. «So,» Cole breathed out, fiddling with his hands. «I guess this is it.»
All of a sudden, Zane’s image flickered. For a moment, he went from looking like his normal self to looking like the previous time Cole had seen him truly alive — shattered in a burst of white and blue, disappearing into the void after defeating the Golden Master.
«Thank you,» he whispered with a warm smile. «Thank you Cole.»
The white and blue hue only grew stronger, so strong that Cole had to close his eyes and step back to not get blinded. After a few seconds, he tried to squint them open again, only to find nothing in front of him. The light was gone. Zane was gone.
No. He had never been there to begin with. But it was only now that his brain seemed to have caught up.
When this realization dawned on him, Cole wanted to curl up, to sob, to scream. This farewell, it really felt like he had lost Zane a second time, although this time, he knew he would never see him again. That thought was downright crushing. However, it also brought a tiny sense of… peace. Of acceptance.
Cole opened his mouth to speak, his voice a mere whisper upon the wind as a singular tear trailed down his cheek.
«You’re welcome.»