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Buck is sitting on the couch when the door creaks open and he hears Eddie drop his keys onto the table next to it.
“Did you get Pepa home okay?”
“I’m back, aren’t I?” Eddie disappears behind him into the kitchen and then comes back with a beer for each of them. He hands one to Buck and sits down beside him, their knees pressing together. It feels like it used to, when this was Eddie’s house and Buck used to come and stay.
“Guess so.” Buck rolls the bottle between his palms. “Look, Eddie - “
“Buck, I’m sorry.” Eddie looks down at his legs, taking a drink of his beer. “You’re right. I should have told you about the job offer, but the truth is, I didn’t even know if I wanted it or not.” He looks over at Buck, but Buck only knows because he can feel it. He’s looking at his beer in his hands. “I was talking to Hen and I said, you know, being home has been nice. This is home, and I think the only reason I even considered going back to Texas was Chris, and the fucking house that I have no clue what to do with if I come back.”
“You want to come back?”
“Come on, Buck?” He sighs. “Anyway, that’s not the point. The point is I’m sorry, for all of it. I was a dick.”
“You’re grieving Bobby, too.” Buck takes a swig of his beer and finally looks over at Eddie. “I know he was important to you. I know this all fucking sucks. I don’t want to make this about me, and I don’t want you to think that’s what I always do.”
“Come on, Buck.”
“No, you’ve said it more than once, now, and I know that you’re not wrong. I just also know I don’t mean to do that, and I should have checked in more. I just kept thinking about Bobby’s last words to me, you know. That everyone was going to need me, and it just feels like we’re all - “ He sucks in a breath. “You know, we don’t have team dinners anymore at the station. Everything’s changed, and I’m not sure Bobby was right about everyone needing me.”
“You’re such an idiot.” Eddie laughs and leans down to put his beer on the table. “Listen, Buck, Bobby wasn’t the glue. You know that, right? I mean, Bobby was our leader. I feel like even gone, he’s still a little bit our leader. I think that will always be true, but if you think I’d still be here without you, you’re wrong.”
“Come on, Eddie.”
“No, seriously. After Shannon died, after my shooting, when I broke down and took a baseball bat to my walls - you’ve been there for me. I mean, you know, more or less, when you weren’t suing our employer and sabotaging my house showings,” he says. But he laughs too, so Buck knows he isn’t still angry about those things. “Every time I called when I was in Texas, you picked up. You cooked meals alongside me and listened to me bitch about my parents and worry about Christopher. I don’t know where I would be right now if it wasn’t for you, and I think other people would agree. Chimney wouldn’t have a family, Buck.”
“He might have one, but they definitely wouldn’t be as cute.”
“You know what I mean.”
“Yeah, I do.” He takes another swig of his beer. “I do mean it, though, Eddie. I’m sorry, too. For forgetting how important he was to you, for not considering how hard it was to find out the way you did, to not know if you could have - “ He drops his head onto Eddie’s shoulder. He’s not sure why he does it. It pushes the boundaries of closeness further than they ever have. “I’m sorry you weren’t here.”
“Yeah.” Buck feels Eddie’s arm lay over his shoulders. “So am I.”
“When are you leaving?”
“Buck.”
“I know, I’m not - I just wanted to ask. I figure Chris has to get back to school.”
“Chris wants to stay.” Eddie worries at his lip. “I asked him on the way home from the airport, and he said he wants to stay here. El Paso was never home, Buck. This is home. I told him about the job in El Paso, and he asked why I can’t just be a firefighter here again if that’s what I want to do.”
“So you-you’re staying?” Buck feels his heart stutter.
“I have to talk to Gerrard, I guess. I have to figure out if I really do still have a job here without Bobby, but I’d like to.”
“It’s yours. If you want it back it’s yours.” Buck sits up straighter and turns to face Eddie with his full body. “I’ll find a new place as soon as I can.”
“Whoa.” Eddie puts his hands up. “Whoa, I’m not kicking you out, man. You don’t have to leave.”
“And let you sleep on my shitty couch in your own home? Come on, Eddie.”
“It is a pretty shitty couch.” He laughs.
“Rude.”
“You said it first, bud.” Eddie rests his hand on Buck’s shoulder, pressing his thumb in the dip where it meets his neck. Buck feels a shiver that he decides not to think about. Because this is Eddie, and that’s not what this is. “You can stay here as long as you need to, Buck. You gave up your home for me, and you didn’t expect me to be gone less than six months.”
“I’m glad though. You know I never wanted you to leave.”
“I never wanted to leave, either. You know that right.”
“Yeah.” Buck nods. “Yeah, I get that, now. I know you had to, and I told you to stay every time you almost panicked and came home, remember?”
“I’m not panicking now. I’m just making sure me and my son are home where we belong.”
“Where you belong.” Buck stands up. “Come on.”
“Where are we going?”
“If you’re staying here, you’re not sleeping on my shitty couch. I’m making an executive decision.” Buck’s mouth is moving faster than his brain and he isn’t sure what to do about it. He just can’t stop the words from coming out. “My bed is big enough for both of us, and it’s a lot more comfortable.”
“Are you sure about that?”
“Pretty sure. It did alright with me and Tommy.”
“Too much information,” Eddie says, making a face.
“Hey!”
“Man, I just don’t want to hear about Tommy.” Eddie laughs. Buck tries to ignore the way Eddie walks close, almost pressed along his back. He can feel Eddie’s breath on his neck. It’s distracting.
“What’s wrong with Tommy?”
“The ex-boyfriend who dumped you? Do you want me to write an essay?” Eddie falls back onto the bed, as Buck goes to grab something to change into. “He dumped you for one. And I just don’t want to think about you sleeping with him.”
“Is this because it’s a gay thing?”
“Fuck off, you know it’s not. I don’t care about that.”
Buck starts changing right in front of Eddie, which is definitely not weird because they literally share a locker room and shower separated by a thin cubicle all the time at work. It’s not that big of a deal to change in the bedroom while Eddie lies in bed.
“I slept with him after you left, you know.” Buck has no idea why he’s telling Eddie this now.
“What the fuck? I’m gone for a week and you cave? Man. I knew I was right to keep your phone from you.”
“It wasn’t really like that. I was out with Ravi and he happened to be there. It just happened. It didn’t go well.”
“Huh.” Eddie rolls over onto his side as Buck lies down on the bed next to him. “I wonder if that’s why he acted weird at the funeral.”
“Weird how?”
“I don’t know. He just acted weird. It’s not like I was going out of my way to be friendly.”
“We kind of fought. I blew up at him and said some pretty mean things. I was actually surprised he agreed to help Chimney. I think maybe he wanted to try again, but I meant what I said to him. I just shouldn’t have been so blunt.”
“Well, obviously you should have been more blunt if he didn’t get it.” Eddie rolls back off the bed and starts changing. “So what did you fight about then?”
“Uh, it’s nothing. No big deal. Don’t worry about it.” Buck stares at the muscles on Eddie’s back as he changes shirts. It’s not like he’s never seen Eddie naked before, or getting dressed, or working out or anything. But. He stares.
“It sounds like a big deal.” He kicks out of his jeans and pulls on a pair of sweatpants before lying back down on his side. “Tell me, come on, man.”
“It was about, uh. You.”
“Me?” Eddie’s eyebrows might as well disappear into his hairline. “What about me?”
“I guess he thought, like, I don’t know it’s silly really.” Buck tries to make his voice sound like he thinks it’s silly but it doesn’t work. “He said he would like to try again, considering his competition was out of the way.”
“Compe - me?” Eddie blinks. “Wow.” He rolls onto his back and stares up at the ceiling, so Buck wonders if he went too far. Maybe he should have made something up, but he hadn’t planned on bringing this up to begin with. “So wait - he thinks you and me - “
“I know.” Buck lets out a shaky breath. “I told him it’s ridiculous. There’s nothing, like - you’re straight, you know? And it’s not like I’m some stereotype of a queer man who comes out and suddenly I realize I’ve been pining for my best friend for years.”
“Is that a stereotype, bud? That sounds like something you made up.”
“It’s definitely a stereotype.” Buck chuckles to himself. “I shouldn’t have brought it up. It’s over now. I don’t think I’ll ever see him again.”
“Well, it makes sense, you know? Why he’d be insecure.”
“It…does?”
“Sure. If my boyfriend was friends with a guy who looked like me, and I looked like Tommy, I would be insecure about it.”
“Oh fuck off.” Buck grabs a pillow from underneath his head and whacks Eddie with it. “Tommy is fucking insane. You’re annoying.”
Eddie cracks up and puts his hands up in defense.
“You love me, though.” Eddie smiles bright, his face flushed from laughter.
And Buck.
Buck thinks oh.
Buck thinks oh fuck I do Tommy and Maddie were right; I do love you.
“I hate you. Go to sleep.” He puts his pillow back under his head and lies back down on it, still facing Eddie.
Eddie rolls back onto his side and grins.
“You don’t hate me, man. You couldn’t.” Eddie pulls the blankets over himself and settles in. He reaches across the space between them and touches Buck’s arm, just lightly, grazing over his wrist with his thumb. “And that’s Tommy’s loss. You’re a catch.”
“Don’t I always make things about myself.” He rolls his eyes, just showing Eddie he’s not really hurt by it anymore.
“Yeah, but that’s part of your charm.” Eddie smiles, pressing his thumb down onto Buck’s wrist and circles his fingers around it. “Get under the covers, bud. Turn your damn lamp off.”
Buck turns just enough to do just that and then lies back down. He waits for his eyes to adjust and then watches Eddie’s face. His eyes are still open. He’s still smiling, still touching Buck’s wrist. Buck aches. He’s so in love with Eddie, and he can’t believe he didn’t realize it until just now.
“Eddie?”
“Yeah, Buck?”
“Goodnight. I’ll see you in the morning.”
“Goodnight, bud.” He squeezes Buck’s wrist. “I know you love me.”
“Gonna take my wrist back.”
“Nope, it’s mine now.”
And Buck doesn’t say yeah, it is, but he does think it.