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Deep breath in…out…
Deep breath in…out…
I’m not nervous. There’s no reason to be nervous
Even though he’s been repeating it for the past ten minutes, it hasn’t worked – at least not yet... He’s done this hundreds of times it isn’t that big of a deal.
Stepping on a stage to perform in front of tens of thousands of live fans and who knows how many online. He feels at home on stage.
This time isn’t any different.
Except it is.
There’s still about an hour before the show. They did the rehearsal and sound check and he was fine. Excited even.
In fact, he was fine up until about thirty minutes ago when the other six all went in separate directions for last minute make-up or wardrobe touches or to greet friends and family who’ve come backstage. He and Taehyung had gone together to say hello to some friends, but Jeongguk had to leave and find some staff when a button popped off his shirt. He had told Taehyung to stay and just meet him back in the green room.
He wishes Taehyung were back here with him now.
Footsteps in the hall coming toward the door, make him think it could be him, but it isn’t.
“Jay-kay,” Jin returns first and immediately starts punching at Jeongguk. Random jabs that don’t make contact. Taunting him as Jeongguk half-heartedly plays along.
“Oh – oh.” Punch, punch. “Look at that. I’m not such ahjussi after all huh?” Punch. Jab.
“Yes, you are,” Jeongguk lazily ducks one of the playful jabs. Dismissively swatting Jin’s arms away.
“Well then I’m an ahjussi who can still kick your ass!” Jab. Punch. Swat.
When one gets too close to his hair, Jeongguk ducks back and reminds him. “You mess up my hair and the stylist noonas are going to kick your ass.”
They both laugh good-naturedly and alleviates some of the nervousness at least for a moment.
Jin’s discharge happened a full year before Jeongguk’s. And like Hobi, who was discharged second, they’ve had time to acclimate back to the on-stage life. The two have been the focus of the fandom for several months while the others finished their service.
Even still, Jin isn’t entirely ready to walk back out on the stage tonight. But teasing Jeongguk keeps his mind from letting him think too much about it.
Tonight is the first concert with all seven since completing military service.
The air is heavy with expectation. From fans, the company, the media.
From people who love them.
And people who don’t.
But also, there are the expectation they have for themselves. After all this time, they still worry about disappointing anyone. And everyone.
In their wildest dreams they never thought it would become this big. And as must as they wanted this, each member at some point has confronted the questions they all share. Do I deserve this? Am I good enough? What if I let people down?
And the biggest one – how does this all end?
It’s been many years now since they had to make peace with the monster BTS has become. A mostly kind monster, but a monster nonetheless.
⟭⟬
“Try it again,” Hobi urges.
Namjoon bends halfway at the waist. Rests his palms on the tops of his thighs and looks up from under his eyes requesting forgiveness.
Hobi is nothing like the taskmaster he could often be about their early performances of the past. He has definitely mellowed. And he is being nothing but compassionate with Namjoon as he goes over a difficult section of the choreography for the umpteenth time.
That almost makes it worse it some way. Namjoon wants to get it right this time. No one has ever wanted to disappoint Hobi, but when he is being this patient, it’s hard not to want even more to please him by getting it right.
“Maybe just take a break for minute and get something to drink,” Hobi comes around and rubs his back. “You’ve got it. You’re just overthinking it.”
Namjoon uprights himself and nods. They walk together to a table with several bottles of water.
“It hasn’t been that long,” he unscrews a bottle. “You think I’d still be in shape from military.”
Hobi shakes his head, “Those effects wear off fast. I was feeling not as strong after just a few months. But in addition to that, the endurance needed to dance and sing on stage is totally different. It’s almost like some of it must be learned all over again.”
“I think I might be too old for this.” Namjoon takes a swig of water. “At least it feels that way.”
Hobi smiles, but nods in agreement and takes a drink from his bottle. As they both swallow, they lock eyes. The words hang heavy in the air between them like an unspoken melody of fear and frustration.
Too old for this.
But the underlying harmony underneath that melody is purpose and promise. They said they would come back and they did. And the truth is they wouldn’t want to be anywhere else tonight than reuniting with their fans as they return to the stage. A place where they spent so much of their youth, that over the years it’s become like a second home.
But over the past few months of preparations and rehearsals, they have all noted at various points just how different things are.
⟭⟬
Jimin stands at the door holding onto the frame. He had started to leave and head back to the green room, but then he reconsidered.
“Want me to wait on you?” he asks Yoongi as the physical therapist carefully rubs the area around his shoulder.
“Nah, m’good.” Yoongi mumbles. The therapist has relaxed his muscles a little too much and he’s wondering if there is enough time that he could lay down for a quick nap before they take the stage.
“Okay, I’ll wait.”
Yoongi had expected that response. Jimin has always been good about hovering, even when Yoongi tells him he doesn’t need to. He had been getting mended up as well with some kinesiology tape carefully hidden underneath his stage clothes. Rehearsals had been relentless and hard on their bodies. That hadn’t come as a huge surprise either.
Even when they were young and full of energy, the demands of non-stop schedules, including practices, appearances, and preparations had always taken a toll. However, now, with all the members being on the other side of 25 and all but one having hit 30, even the strongest bodies are bound to feel the strain.
After thanking the therapist, Yoongi grabs his iced coffee and heads down the hall with Jimin.
Jimin’s steps are quick but not light. And Yoongi, as always notices.
“Where’s the fire? What’s your hurry?”
Jimin laughs anxiously and slows his steps. “Sorry, I didn’t realize I was walking so fast.”
“It’s okay. You’re nervous,” Yoongi says flatly.
“Aren’t you?”
“A little I guess,” he shrugs, “but it’s going to be good. There’s nothing to worry about.”
“Easy for you to say, Hyung,” Jimin counters. “You had no trouble walking out onto a stage by yourself when you toured.”
“That’s what I mean,” Yoongi places his arm around his shoulder. “You aren’t alone. None of us are. We’re all going out there together.”
⟭⟬
Jeongguk has somehow managed to settle his nerves enough that he is no longer pacing the floor. He’s still anxious but at least he’s sitting.
He reclines in one of the armchairs with his head tilted back, humming to himself some of the melodies he had to reacquaint himself with for the concert. He has been doing it for months. Humming and singing throughout the house. Literally no matter what he was doing, he was rehearsing in some way. Taehyung had even told him that he woke one night to Jeongguk humming in his sleep.
Namjoon, Hobi and Jin are on the couch talking about military which leads them to a discussion of current events.
Jimin peaks around the corner into the room. “We’re checking for cameras.”
Namjoon and Hobi shake their heads in unison.
Jimin straightens and walks into the room with Yoongi right behind him. Jeongguk raises his head just enough to see if Taehyung has come in with them.
“Those damn camera are everywhere. I’d just like to have a break from having one shoved in my face.” Yoongi deadpans as he throws himself down into an armchair.
“That is one thing I didn’t mind about being in military,” Namjoon sucks air through his teeth. “No cameras recording my every move.”
Hobi snarls in agreement. “That’s true. I didn’t miss that at all.”
“It hard to get back into the routine of things,” Jin crosses his legs. “It was for me when I came back, but at least Hobi and I have had a little more time to adjust. It’ll get easier. It did for us.”
“But it’s still not the same as it was before military,” Hobi observes. “I mean I guess that’s to be expected, but at the same time I didn’t expect it.”
“It’s like that old saying,” Yoongi stops there and doesn’t just go ahead and tell them. As usual he waits until they ask him to. It makes Jeongguk smile to himself. How some things don’t change.
Usually Jimin takes the bait, and he doesn’t disappoint this time either. “What’s that?”
“No man ever steps in the same river twice, because it's not the same river and he's not the same man.”
“Eh, yeah, that’s true,” Namjoon nods knowingly. “That does apply to this. To us. It’s kind of like that other saying, you can’t go home again.”
“Oh, now that’s a sad thought.”
Jeongguk’s head shoots up. Taehyung has returned.
The air in the room feels like it flows a little easier. For Jeongguk, each breath is a little deeper. It’s always been like that.
Even just one missing is noticeable. And for Jeongguk, Taehyung’s presence always puts him a little more at ease. And most times, a lot more at ease.
As Taehyung makes his way around to him, he explains, “I know what’s meant by the saying, and it’s true, but it’s still a little sad, don’t you think?” He comes up behind the chair and does a quick scan of the small room just to make sure it’s only them, and then leans down to kiss Jeongguk on his temple. Whispers, “hey honey, are you okay?”
Jeongguk closes his eyes with at the kiss and nods. “Yeah, I’m alright.”
“You better not have brought any staff carrying cameras,” Jimin cautions him, “Yoongi’s patience is wearing thin.”
Taehyung laughs as he walks to Yoongi and pats him on the shoulder. “Nah, I told them I was going to the bathroom and then I took a really long time just hanging out in there and they must have got tired of waiting and left because they were gone when I came out.”
“We’re on borrowed time,” Namjoon points out. “It won’t take long for them to realize we’re all in here together.”
“Uh oh, guys,” Jin teases, “prepare yourselves for some cringy, over the top fan service.”
They groan in unison, yet still each in their own unique way.
“That’s a river, or rather a pile of shit, I’d rather not ever have to step in again,” Jeongguk scowls.
It no surprise he hates it the most. All three of the maknae have been the focus of ship wars for years, and Jeongguk has often been the center and focus of those ship wars. It’s always been part of their job and they’ve accepted that. They have laughed it off when they could, but there have been too many times it’s just gone too far and been hurtful.
“At least it isn’t as bad as it’s been in the past,” Namjoon tries to be encouraging, “but still it would be nice if fans could accept that we’re all going to have in real life partners and spouses.”
“Speaking of…” Hobi turns towards Jimin.
“Yeah, she’s here, but in disguise,” he says sadly. “The company didn’t require it, but the literal hate that she’ll get on social media if she’s spotted in the crowd is insane. I don’t want to put her through it.”
It’s an experience they’ve all had at some point in the past 12 years. Someone in their life, who they love dearly, becomes the target of vicious comments and hate. It doesn’t even have to be a “romantic” somebody. It’s been friends, coworkers, or literally anyone.
They’ve often had to turn a blind eye at the abuse of someone they care for by a fandom that claims to love them.
“Sorry,” Taehyung pats Jimin’s arm as he and Jeongguk exchange a sympathetic, knowing look. While all the members love lives and personal lives can be hot topics of speculation, it’s nowhere near what the youngest three have endured.
“Thankfully it’s not all fans,” Jimin points out. “There are some who do want to see us happy. Truly happy.”
Taehyung gets as close as he can to Jeongguk without getting too close. There is a small table next to the chair that looks like it will hold his weight. However, his instinct is to sit down on his lap. While literally no one in the room would think it odd or out of the ordinary, he can’t be sure who will walk in.
He debates only for a moment, before his cautious internal voice says fuck it. He remembers well during the PTD concert when Jeongguk boldly sat on his lap onstage. If the someone does come in with a camera and catch them, they’ll either scrap the footage or keep it and pass it off as fanservice. And he doesn’t give a damn either way as long as he can do it.
Jeongguk looks up as he approaches. Since Taehyung walked into the room, he has wanted him to be close. Even considered asking all the guys to shift up places so that there were at least two side by side seats on the couch. But he hadn’t done it yet as Taehyung had still been walking around the room.
With only a look, Taehyung asks permission to sit on his lap and, without a word, Jeongguk gives it.
Carefully he lowers and then adjusts himself just so on Jeongguk’s thigh not wanting to hurt his leg. Jeongguk places his hands on his hips and helps to guide him down to the right spot.
“Am I too heavy?” Taehyung turns halfway to ask.
Jeongguk throws his head bad, twists his face and groans like he’s in intense pain. “Oh god, how much weight did you gain in military?
Taehyung starts to stand, but Jeongguk’s hands grip his hips and keep him in place. He raises his head up to look at him, eyes twinkling with mischief.
Taehyung swats his other thigh. “Brat, you know all the weight I gained was muscle.”
“Yes, yes, I do know,” Jeongguk smiles devilishly.
The others look on with nostalgia at how the two youngest are still playful with each other.
“I have to say,” Jin tilts his head to the side and back, “I expected Jeongguk would come out of military buff as hell and twice his previous size, but Taehyung, you really surprised me.”
Taehyung smiles in his sheepishly confident way. Somewhat embarrassed by the compliment, but at the same time knowing that it’s totally deserved. “I knew I’d be wrestling this when I got discharged so I had to prepare.” He uses his thumb to point back at Jeongguk.
Jeongguk looks up at him in adoration. Most of the nervousness that was plaguing him just thirty minutes ago is almost completed gone.
“Eww,” Jin elongates the noise and dramatically covers his eyes, “too much information, too much information.”
“Not like that!” Taehyung rolls his eyes.
“Seriously though,” Yoongi who had been scrolling through his phone looks up, “how are things for you two.”
Taehyung turns briefly back to look at Jeongguk. It hasn’t been easy. Not that it has ever been easy for them. He thinks about the details he could share.
The stand offs with the company over various issues, the intentional attempts at sabotage to their careers that they’ve somehow managed to thwart thus far, the portion of the fandom that cannot and may not ever be able to accept them.
But instead, he simply says. “Well, they haven’t broken us yet, so we aren’t going to let them break us now.”
“Definitely not now,” Jeongguk says under his breath. Just for Taehyung’s ears. They’ve not only talked about their future; they’ve been putting the pieces in place for years for their freedom and their future.
“Good, good.” Yoongi nods in support.
Namjoon looks at the clock on the wall. “Damn that clock is ticking fast. It’s almost time. Now I’m getting nervous.”
A few of the other guys nod.
“Just think how happy everyone is going to be to see us all on stage,” Hobi offers for reassurance.
“I do think about that,” Namjoon says, “but then I remember that things are going to be different and if 12 years have taught us anything it’s that you can count on about half the fandom to resist change.”
“They always do that anyway,” Jin waves his hand. “Remember, when we did BE and the English songs, people missed Wings, when we did Wings, people missed HYYH. It’s always like that. But they come around.”
“All the solo work should have been preparing everyone that things – “. Hobi stops himself then shakes his head. “Nevermind. I was going to say it should have prepared them that things would be different when we came back, then I remembered all the things I’ve seen online and the things people said in mine and Jin’s lives while you guys were gone.”
They’ve talked about it plenty of times over the years. As they’ve matured, they’ve each gravitated towards different things. Not every one of them is cut out to be a worldwide pop star. Some are going to want to act, some to produce, and every now and then a few get the notion that they’d like to step outside completely and live a quiet life. Even though they know that might not be totally possible.
However, they are also acutely aware of the resistance against their individuality. Individuality has always been welcome and accepted as long as it fits the fandom’s stereotypes of each of them as a contributing member of the group.
But individuality in terms of recognizing they each are their own whole person, off camera, with their own hopes and dreams and lives – that can be a tough thing for many fans to accept.
And it isn’t entirely their fault. They’ve been conditioned to think like that. It’s part of the package of the industry. And it’s with heavy hearts that the seven realize that not only did they agree to it, but it’s part of what’s made them so attractive to people.
Still, Namjoon remembers that everything has an expiration date. Everything.
“I was counting the days in military,” Namjoon admits. “But I will say it was nice to live sort of normally after so many years of being BTS.”
“Yeah,” Hobi agrees. “That was a perk. But honestly, if I wasn’t doing this, I’d miss it.”
“Me too,” Jimin nods. “Even though my nerves are killing me right now.”
Taehyung rubs his hand over the one Jeongguk has resting on his hip hidden by the arm of the chair and looks back to check on him.
“Mine too,” Jeongguk sighs. “I expected I’d be a little nervous but not this much for a concert.”
The reality is that the shared apprehension in the room isn’t just because it’s a concert. And it isn’t just because tonight is the first concert all together after military service.
For all of them, the nervousness is compounded because it’s not only the first concert after military, they also know it’s one of the last.
And just like at Festa in 2022, the emotions are mixed among all of them and within each of them.
Excitement for new opportunities.
Bittersweet melancholy for the times that won’t ever happen again.
Acceptance of the heavy responsibility they have to a lot of people. Staff who have supported them. Fans who love them.
And they’ve never felt deserving of as much love as they’ve gotten. Never understanding why they would be special.
But gratitude and love can’t be chains that tie them forever to a life that isn’t their own.
Because even though many fans hadn’t wanted to admit it, and many still don’t, Festa 2022 was a gentle tug on a bandage that is inevitably going to have to come off.
Jeongguk looks around the room at the members. And thinks about how the whole trajectory of his life has been shaped in some ways by being with these six guys. By being Jungkook of BTS.
He thinks of the heavy burdens they’ve carried together and the burdens they’ve each carried individually. Alone.
And the secrets.
Not that they aren’t authentically themselves for the fans. They are, as much as they can be. It’s been a huge part of what makes them special.
But each member also has sides that the fandom doesn’t see.
Jeongguk counts himself lucky that he has been able to see those sides.
He looks up at Taehyung and smiles. Considers himself lucky that this is where he landed.
“Well, I wasn’t nervous,” Yoongi sighs, “but you guys keep talking about it and now I am.”
“Yeah,” Jimin reminds him. “but it’s just like you said you’ve done it alone and at least tonight we’re all going on together.”
“True.” Yoongi clears his throat. Really wants a cigarette and wonders if he has time.
“I was just thinking about what you guys were talking about when I came in.” Taehyung muses aloud. “The whole thing about not being able to go home again.”
“You think it’s possible?” Jeongguk asks softly.
“I do, I think it’s entirely possible. You can go home again; you just have to understand that it’ll be different. Because you’re different. And we are different.”
And whether they realize it or not,” he points toward the open arena where the rumble of the waiting crowd is steadily growing, “they’re different too.”
“It’s not the same for any of us,” he continues, “and it never will be again but you just allow it to be what it is in that moment with all its changes and that’s what is beautiful.”
Jeongguk strokes his back to acknowledge that he knows exactly what he means. “The most beautiful moment.”
Namjoon nods, “That’s true. And a moment can be any measure of time. All it means is it’s temporary. And we’ve had lots of moments together. And when we’re old and look back on our live, the past 12 years will seem like a moment.”
The room isn’t unhappy, but it is heavy.
“Okay,” Taehyung stands, “everyone on your feet.”
Jimin and Hobi stand. Followed by Jin, Namjoon, and Jeongguk. And lastly, Yoongi.
This is one of the roles Taehyung has played from time to time and he doesn’t mind it at all. They’ve called him the Happiness Preacher. But it’s just the way he is. When it gets heavy, he instinctively wants to bring relief by lightening things up.
“Huddle up,” he motions them all towards the center of the room. “I know we’ll do it again for the camera before we step on stage in a little bit, but we need it now.”
They step forward each accepting that there will come a day when there is a final huddle, but they don’t have think about it now. What they’ve done and what they’ve shared with others is going to live on in their seven hearts plus millions of others.
And that is everlasting and eternal in its own way.
Putting their right hands into the center of their circle, they lower and raise their arms as they shout in unison.
“Bangtan Bangtan BangBangtan!”