Work Text:
Niffty was cleaning Alastor’s room when she saw a roach scuttle across the floor. “DIE! DIE! DIE!” She was in hot pursuit of the roach and pounced on it like a lion catching its prey. As she gleefully stabbed it with her needle, something shiny caught her eye. When she’d jumped, she’d rolled under Alastor’s bed, a place he’d warned her never to go. Of course, with Niffty being Niffty, she scrambled over to the shiny thing and picked it up. Was that a button?
“Hey Al, can you hand me the-“ Charlie’s words were cut off as she wavered on her feet.
“Charlie?!” Alastor appeared by her side.
“I’m fine, I just need-“ then she lost consciousness. He caught her before she hit the ground, then realized he wasn’t feeling so hot either. He slumped to the floor beside Charlie as everything went black.
Charlie woke up first with an awful headache. Wait, where was she? She sat up and looked around. Why was she in Angel’s room? In Angel’s BED? She swung her legs off the side of the bed to get up and fell flat on her face. She pushed herself up and turned over, then let out an ear splitting scream.
“Charlie?!” Alastor jolted awake. How had he gotten into his room? And furthermore, how the hell was he under the bed? He crawled out from underneath and stood up. His legs nearly buckled beneath him. “NIFFTYYYYYYY!”
“What the FUCK is goin’ on?” Charlie’s voice was a bit gruffer than usual. They’d all made their way to the lobby.
There was a yelp, then Angel came rolling down the stairs. Well, Angel’s body, anyway. “GUYS, I HAVE EXTRA ARMS!”
“Ya ain’t figured it out yet, blondie?” Someone who LOOKED like husk was leaning against the bar. “Some freaky shit is goin’ on. And could you try to be a little more careful? If you break any bones, I gotta live in that body.”
Charlie finally made it to her feet and doubled over. “HOW DO YOU WALK IN THESE SHOES?!” She straightened up and looked at her friends. “Let’s take a roll call, I guess. Angel?”
“Here.” Husk’s body responded.
“Husk?”
“Here.” Charlie’s body raised a hand.
“Alastor?”
Niffty’s hand shot up. Angel-husk doubled over with laughter. “OH MY GOD! YOU GOT NIFFTY!”
“Hang on. Where is Niffty?” Charlie-Angel asked.
————
Alastor, or at least someone that looked like him, was running down the street at high speed. “I’M A BAD BOY!”
“The fuck?” A demon watched the radio demon sprint by him.
“WHEEEEEEE! I’M SO TALL NOW!”
She nearly ran into Zestial as he rounded the corner. “Ah, Alastor! How doth thee fair, today?”
Zestial was taken aback when Alastor gazed at him with wide eyes and his jaw slack. “Alastor?”
“How old are you?” Alastor asked.
“Why doth thee require this information?”
“You talk funny! You talk all fancy like in my romance novels!” Alastor gasped, then lit up in a grin. “Are you a bad boy?”
Zestial blinked in confusion. “Perhaps thou should return to your hotel.”
“Ok! BYYYYYYE!” Alastor waved excitedly, then took off at a sprint, giggling the entire way.
———-
“She must be in my body. We need to find her ASAP!” Alastor Niffty was standing tall, arms behind his/her back, and pacing.
“Ya know what, I oughta do you a favor and get you a manicure. This is a tragedy.” Angel-husk held up his claws.
“Come on, let’s go. But we need to stick together, we’re at a disadvantage here.” Charlie-Angel spoke.
“I’d like to try something.” Alastor-Niffty grinned. That combination was more terrifying than they thought possible. He dashed forward and scaled Angel (Charlie) like Niffty did and perched on her shoulder. “Gimme a lift, would you sweetheart?”
“Fine, let’s go.”
They were certainly a strange looking group walking around hell. Husk had a much more feminine walk, swishing his hips back and forth. Charlie now lumbered forward, looking pissed off at the world. Angel dust was waving at people and asking questions. “Excuse me! Hiiii! Have you seen the radio demon?”
“Depends, do I get a reward for helping you? How about you blow me and I tell you?”
“How about I rip your DISGUSTING TONGUE OUT OF YOUR MOUTH, YOU SLIMY DEGENERATE!” The threat didn’t quite land, since it was being screamed from a three foot demoness perched on Angel’s shoulder. The demon just shook his head and left.
“I know this situation sucks, but that was fuckin’ hilarious.” Angel-husk snorted.
“HEY BLONDIE! I’M REAL INTERESTED IN YOUR HOTEL! HOW ABOUT YOU COME TO MY PLACE TO TALK ABOUT IT?”
“Ugh! No thank you.” Charlie-Angel smiled and shook her head no.
“He’s not talking to you right now, doll.” Alastor reminded her from her shoulder.
“ARE YOU TALKIN’ TO ME, YOU PASTY ASS MOTHERFUCKER?” They all gaped at husk-Charlie, who turned around to face the demon. It was pretty damn funny to see the princess of hell speaking that way.
“YEAH I’M TALKING TO YOU! COME ON BABY, DON'T YOU WANNA SAVE MY SOUL?”
“That’s it, asshole! I’ll kick your ugly ass so hard that you’ll be shittin’ out your teeth!”
They all stood with their jaws hanging slack, then burst into laughter. “OH MY GOD, THAT WAS HILARIOUS!” Charlie-Angel wiped tears away. “I’ve never yelled like that before!”
Suddenly, music began playing from her chest.
“Fuck, that’s Val’s ringtone! You gotta answer it!” Angel- husk looked anxious.
“Uh, first of all, WHERE is it?”
“Move the chest fluff around.”
Charlie-Angel began digging and moving the fluff around. Various objects clattered to the ground, including a pack of cigarettes, a condom, and a stick of gum. “HOW?” She gestured to the pile, then finally found the phone. “Hello?”
“Amorcito, how are you doing, baby?”
Charlie-Angel looked at husk in a panic. “Uuuuuuh good! I’m good! Super!”
There was a pause. “Are you alright? You sound strange.”
“I’m actually not feeling super great today, soooo-“
“That’s not my problem. Your ass better be here in two hours.” Then the line went dead.
“Oh my god. Oh my GOD, Angel I can’t go to the porn studio! I can’t! But if I don’t you’ll get in trouble!”
“It’ll be alright, Charlotte. We’ll get things figured out in no time.” Alastor-Niffty stroked her hair. Charlie jumped when the phone began ringing again.
“Hello?”
“Hey Angel, it’s me. I just got back from the store. Where is everybody?” Charlie lit up when she heard Vaggie’s voice.
“VAGGIE! Oh my god! I’m so glad you called! Are you ok? Are you you?”
“Uuuuuh what? Are you on drugs again?”
“No! Something weird is going on and this is Charlie!”
“Come on, I’m not stupid.”
“You have a birthmark in the shape of Ireland on your left inner thigh!”
There was a pause. “Fuck.”
“I know!”
“That explains why Alastor is acting so weird. I came back and found him stabbing bugs.”
“She’s at the hotel?!”
“I’m assuming you mean Niffty, so that would be my guess.”
“We’ll be back ASAP!”
————-
Vaggie had been annoyed and confused when she arrived at the hotel. “Uuuuh hello? A little help here?!” Her arms were loaded down with groceries. She managed to get them onto the bar counter. “Husk? Charlie?”
“DIE! DIE! DIE!”
Vaggie whipped out her spear, ready to attack, when she saw Alastor pursuing a cockroach and cackling. “What the FUCK are you doing?”
“They must DIE!” Then the radio demon giggled. “I’m TALL now!”
“Oooook. You wanna help me get these to the kitchen?”
Vaggie watched in confusion as Alastor opened every overhead cabinet. “Oooh! Cool! Oh, look at this one! THERE’S MY REDBULL!” It was at that point that Vaggie decided she should probably call Charlie. Her phone went to voicemail, so she tried Angel. And now she had to wait.
———
“This is utterly humiliating.” Alastor-Niffty watched his body run up and down the halls, giggling the entire way.
“She found her redbull we’d hidden.” Vaggie replied.
“Hey, do you think she’d show up on camera? She’s in your body, but she ain’t you.” Angel-husk watched Niffty-Alastor running laps around the lobby.
“Don’t even THINK ABOUT IT.” Alastor-Niffty snarled.
“Hey, how come vagina didn’t switch with somebody?”
“Because she wasn’t on the premises. I have a hunch that Niffty found a little party trick of mine.”
“What’s it do?”
“Temporarily removes your soul and puts it back somewhere else. Even though I possess Niffty and husk’s souls under contract, that part is irrelevant.”
“Alastor, how are we going to fix this?” Charlie-Angel looked ready to cry.
“Let's speak privately, dear.”
She took him to the kitchen and set him on the counter. “Charlotte, look at me.”
It was a very strange sight, a teary-eyed angel dust speaking with a one eyed maid with perfect posture and a transatlantic accent. “I’ll fix this. Under no circumstances will you have to go to the porn studio. I’ll deal with the fallout from Valentino myself.”
“Why do you even HAVE that? You promised me you’d stop doing this shit!”
“Because it’s not easily disposable, sweetheart. It’s powerful dark magic. I kept it hidden under my bed, and I forbade Niffty from going under there. It’s a gold locket, and when you press down on the center, it swaps souls. But please know that I NEVER intended for it to be used by myself or anyone else. Clearly, I’ll have to store it somewhere more securely.” Alastor-Niffty took Charlie-Angel’s hand. “I made a promise to you, so I’m terribly sorry this happened, but I hope you understand why I can’t get rid of it. Can you imagine if it fell into the wrong hands? Well, technically it did, but it could’ve been much worse.”
“Oh, Al. Thank you. I understand.”
“Ordinarily I’d kiss you, but since you currently look like the spider whore, I’ll have to pass. I don’t want nightmares.”
“Oh come on!” Charlie-Angel pursed her lips and made kissing noises.
“I know where that mouth has been. But once we’re back in our own bodies, I’ll make up for it.”
When they returned to the lobby, Niffty-Alastor was passed out on the couch.
“She finally crashed.” Vaggie sighed. “And now we need a new hiding spot.”
“I believe I can fix this, but I need access to my room. Let me grab the key.” Charlie-angel put him down and he ran over to his unconscious body. He stuck his hand in the left pocket, then the right. “Of course she doesn’t have it. It’s probably still in my room.”
“We gotta bust the door down?” Husk-Charlie asked. “You said we couldn’t keep a spare key.”
“Um, I have one.” Charlie-Angel said softly. “I’ll go get it.”
Fifteen minutes and three swaps later, they were back in their own bodies.
“HOW THE FUCK CAN I STILL COUGH UP A HAIRBALL?!” Angel shrieked. “HOW DOES THAT EVEN WORK?!”
“And what have we learned, Niffty?” Alastor asked.
“IT’S FUN BEING TALL!”
“No. We leeeearned-“
“Not to ask that old guy how old he was!”
“Old guy?”
“He was SPOOKY! He was really tall and talked funny. He told me to go back to the hotel!”
“Oh dear. Come with me, Niffty. I think we owe Zestial an apology…”
Angel leaned against the desk beside Charlie. “Boy, it was a good thing you had a key for strawberry’s room.”
“Mmmmmhmm.” She busied herself straightening the desk.
“Don't worry, blondie. Secret’s safe with me.”
Charlie knew denying it was pointless. “Thank you.”
-20 minutes later-
“Pardon me. I seeketh the small housekeeper. It is of utmost importance.”
Charlie looked down and saw someone that looked like Niffty. “NIFFTYYYYYYY!”