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007n7's arms are littered with cuts and scars. mostly self inflicted. mostly fresh and recent. it's not like he hasn't cut himself before - he's been doing it since noli left, but he stopped once c00lkidd started asking questions. he tried to cover them up as much as possible, but once c00lkidd disappeared, what did he have left to hide? his son, the only reason he wanted to get better, was gone; without any motivation, he spiraled further into depression. 007n7's mental state must be better, compared to those days. those days ended with his brain blown on kitchen floor, something 007n7 wouldn't even dream about doing now, hopefully.
sure, he cut himself often enough to be a pattern, and sure, he skipped meals and interactions with the other survivors, but he's still functioning. he still wakes up every morning and gets out of bed, albeit not without struggle. he still tries his best in rounds to be helpful. he's doing fine - as fine as anyone can in literal hell.
even if he was doing horribly, no one would really notice, would they? 007n7 can count the number of people he's on decent terms with on one hand.
guest? he cares about everybody the same. he's nice to the ex-hacker, but he's nice to everybody, regardless of their backgrounds. it's admirable, but it also means that he's spread thin between every single survivor. 007n7 would be a fool to think that guest stays around him because he actually likes him, and not out of some self-imposed obligation.
chance? their only interactions are chance coaxing him out for an awkward game of cards, filled with stilted conversation. it's noticeably more tense when he joins the table. 007n7 only makes things worse when he's around. he stopped accepting chance's invites a while ago. he ignores the laughter from the cabin, happier in his absence.
...two time? 007n7 shudders. he doesn't feel like getting sacrificed anytime soon. at least they're not as judgmental about his past like the others are.
in short, 007n7 has no real relationships in this hell. in fact, he's pretty sure most of them wouldn't care if he died or not. that's alright. he's survived being alone - he can do it again. he is surviving, no matter how tired he is or how his arms and thighs sting with cuts or how hollow he feels, he is surviving. he is alive. at the end of the day, he can still see his son laugh and smile, even though it's because of a twisted game he's been tricked into.
his son... just thinking about it makes 007n7 ache. he doesn't want to think about it anymore than he has to, but the reminders linger anyway. c00lkidd's name rings through his thoughts, piercing through any peace of mind. c00lkidd on his doorstep. c00lkidd's 1st birthday. c00lkidd's first words. c00kidd's first day of school. c00kidd tainted and twisted. c00kidd's first kill. his memories are full of his son's visage, both from before and after. it nauseates 007n7. what kind of father allows his son to become a monster? only a monster can mold something so innocent into another monster.
007n7 doesn't even think about what he's about to do. it's routine at this point. when he was younger, the sight made him feel sick, but he kept chasing it, chasing more. now it's an easy process: take the knife. make a cut. make another. make another. feel the burning sensation. watch the blood flow down his limbs like rivulets. he doesn't even know why he does it. does it make him feel better? does it make him worse, like a punishment? is it just habit at this point? 007n7 doesn't know. he tries not to linger on it too much, just get it over with.
before he knows it, his arms are bloody, with cuts of varying degrees of severity. some are small, barley oozing with blood. others are much deeper, the red like a flood. 007n7 feels pleased, knowing some of them will scar and linger. he shouldn't be feeling this way, but the satisfaction wells up within him anyways.
the cabin's floors are stained with blood, both dried and fresh. he would make a feeble effort to clean it off, scrubbing at the splotches, but he knows it's no use. he could only guess the spectre enjoys seeing the results of its efforts - and 007n7's misery - marking the environment like they mark 007n7's body. 007n7's arms are still bleeding out. nothing a couple bandages and some gauze can't fix. however, he'd like to stare at them a bit longer.
call him silly, or sick, but he never found his cuts disgusting. they were like physical manifestations of his pain, almost. proof that he was suffering, even when others ignored him. he liked looking down and pulling his sleeves back to reveal the marks, feeling a thrill at the sight. his pain is his own little secret. something that belongs to him.
007n7 sighed. he was being overtly dramatic again. what kind of self-pitying, self-centered, pathetic person is he? he doesn't even have it that bad - he still has a cabin to himself. he still has his mind and sanity relatively intact. his life, ignoring the last year, was relatively calm, compared to someone like guest who experienced the horrors of war. besides, he was a literal criminal, wrecking havoc and ruining lives for entertainment. the other survivors have a valid reason to hate him. does he even have the right to feel this way?
007n7 was lost in his thoughts, sitting on the wooden floor. he blankly stared at his cuts. he didn't hear the knocks on his door, growing increasingly frantic, followed by the door opening.
"007n7?" a voice breaks him out of his reverie. he blinks, then looks up to see the shocked face of guest 1337. god, why does he look so... upset? it looks wrong on his face. if he looks close enough, he can see tears glistening, threatening to fall. he doesn't think he's ever seen the man this vulnerable.
"did you... do that to yourself?" oh. 007n7 forgot. his arms were bare, exposing his crime to the world. the evidence is all over his hands, still holding the knife. he curls in himself, flinching at the pain. for the first time, he feels ashamed of his wounds.
the soldier carefully pries the knife from his hands. 007n7 shivers at the contact. his heart beats a bit faster. not the time and place, he admonishes himself, face warming. of course someone like him would get flustered from this. he's disgusting.
guest looks devastated. it makes 007n7 uncomfortable as he shifts sightly, attempting to escape guest's sharp gaze. it feels like judgement has come to condemn him for his sins; his touch a punishment, a reminder of what he can't have. doesn't deserve.
"come here. let me take care of you." guest reaches out. 007n7 tries very hard not to flinch or lean into his touch. this is just pity. he doesn't actually care. the words thump in his chest, destroying any pleasure 007n7 would have felt from being taken care of. he nods wordlessly.
guest takes him to 007n7's bathroom in silence. 007n7 sits on the toilet, watching guest take out a roll of bandages and antiseptic from his vest. he's still bleeding, staining the white floor with red.
"i always have some on hand, in case of emergencies. was trained to in the military." guest's voice seems calm, though 007n7 can hear the slight tremble in it as he tries to distract himself. his hands, normally steady and firm, are shaking as well as he unwraps the bandages.
he cleans the wounds with care, more care than 007n7 ever bothered to. guest offers anecdotes of faraway battlefields and nameless bacons to calm them both. his hold on 007n7 burns. it's distracting.
it's not the first time guest had bandaged 007n7, and he had tried to repay him over and over. though, those were times of desperation, between life and death. this time is different. this time, guest spends more time carefully examining and treating each cut with care. this time, it's entirely 007n7's fault. he held the weapon. he did this, and guest was paying the price with him.
"...I'm sorry" 007n7 speaks out, shattering any illusion of peace. guest looks up from 007n7's freshly bandaged arms, caressing them slowly.
"don't apologize. i should've-" guest stops himself. 007n7's glad. he doesn't want to hear guest's platitudes, blaming himself for 007n7's mistakes.
"it's not your fault i cut myself." 007n7 laughs humorlessly. "i held the blade, guest." he can't bear to watch guest's face crumble even further, but he can feel guest's grip on his arm tighten. it stings. 007n7 hisses, and guest immediately retracts his hands in apology. embarrassingly, 007n7 misses his touch.
"we all left you to rot," guest spits. taken aback, 007n7 looks up to see guest's eyes ablaze with uncharacteristic fury. he doesn't think he's ever seen guest look angry. it's still very much guest though, reckless and righteous. "you've faced so much alone, and we didn't even bother to check on you."
"well not really- i mean- no one really likes me anyways, i don't want to be a bother, and i'm not doing that horribly. i'm alive, aren't i...? it's not like i need to be checked on..." 007n7 rambles out an excuse of an explanation, and faces the true extent of guest's disapproval. it's his own shoddy reasoning spilling out. the rationale he tells himself every waking moment is being revealed. it makes it all the worse when guest glowers at him.
"this isn't the first time you've done this, isn't it?" blunt as always. it's almost embarrassing how quickly guest was able to unravel 007n7's secrets, exposing all of his flaws. 007n7 doesn't reply.
"you had more scars. i saw. i thought they were just from the rounds- i even saw you tugging at your sleeves!" guest's voice broke, and with it his facade. he looks down at his trembling hands. "i didn't want to think- but-"
"oh guest, don't cry over me, don't pity me-" 007n7 is reeling from the revelation - guest was watching him - but it's momentarily forgotten, washed away in panic.
"you think i'm pitying you?" guest's anger evaporated as quickly as it came. "i care about you! i don't want to see you hurting yourself! you're..." he trails off into silence, opting to pull 007n7 into a tight hug instead. 007n7's arms flail out awkwardly, settling by patting guest on the back.
"you don't have to tell me why. you don't even have to promise me you'll stop. just... know that i care for you. i want you to treat yourself better. please... rely on me when you are struggling." guest pulled away to place his calloused hands in 007n7's. the ex-hacker blushed, unable to tear his gaze away from the intense look in guest's eyes. it scared him. the last time someone looked at him like that... ended horribly. but maybe he could rely on guest, and trust his reassurances and promises.
"...okay." 007n7 whispered, words almost indiscernible. guest smiled kindly at 007n7. their faces were so close he could almost hope that guest would lean in and close the distance. instead, guest lets go of 007n7's hands.
unfortunately, 007n7 can never pull himself away for long. it's not even the next day. it's nothing short of pathetic. guest had confiscated the knives and his razor, but he sneaks into the kitchen at night. when he skips meals, intentional or not, 007n7 usually finds something to eat in the kitchen. conveniently, there are also knifes there, too. knife found in kitchen, what a shock.
007n7 strips off some of the bandages. his scars are exposed. they're both beautiful and disgusting to him now. anyone could walk in and see them. judge him. he still can't help but feel that familiar thrill when looking at the angry lines. kneeling down, he holds the knife to his wrist. his grip is unsteady as he prepares himself. for some reason, it's harder than usual. the first cut doesn't even make a mark, his grip is so weak.
he imagines guest's face, grief-stricken. his hands shaking as he tends to 007n7. those same hands in 007n7's own. the urge to cut is quickly overshadowed by longing. he wants guest to comfort him again, hold him tight, affirm him, genuine or not. guest would be so disappointed in him, if he cut. besides, he wouldn't be able to hide it from him, considering how observant he is. if guest could notice 007n7's cuts before, he would definitely notice if he continued. however, if he cut himself somewhere else... guest wouldn't notice, right? it's fine. 007n7's still surviving. he'd just cut himself somewhere else, and go on with his life. no one would know this time.
he feels sick afterwards. he trudges back to his cabin on an empty stomach, ashamed. his clothes rub against fresh wounds, hidden underneath cloth. he swears he sees blood seeping through dark colors. guest's words echo in his mind. he feels numb.
"you know we have to talk about this"
"...do we have to? i gave you my word, didn't i?"
"i need to know why… please. if not for your sake, but for my own."
"haha… well when you put it like that…"
"...when did you start?"
"oh, uh… after a… breakup - silly, i know - when i was in my 20s, i think? i stopped after c00l- my son was old enough to notice."
"and you started again when?"
"... here. a couple months ago, maybe? i can never tell the time anymore…"
"...fuck. 007n7."
silence. guest doesn't know how to respond. 007n7 can tell from his pursed lips, eyes darting anywhere away from his bandages. 007n7 can't blame him. he doesn't know how to respond either to this… concern. he's been ignored for so long, it's odd to have someone ask questions about his mental state. honestly, he finds it invasive, but he's in no position to complain. guest, headstrong as always, won't let him go without an explanation.
"you don't have to check up on me guest." 007n7 tries to calmly dismiss guest. wave him away like an annoying bug when he is anything but.
"don't have to- 007n7, i literally saw you cut yourself! i don't know if you're going to do it again, or worse…" guest trails off. the implications are clear.
007n7 was taken aback. yes, that was a logical train of thought, wasn't it? he's thought of it before, disappearing, but never came close. would he have actually done it if he was pushed further? one more day, one more last man standing against his baby boy, one more snide remark, one more round of him being useless, and would he be pointing chance's flintlock at his head? that's how he died before - that's how he would die again. shit, guest has a right to be concerned. the realization horrifies 007n7; he's spiraled so far, and he couldn't even tell.
"i'm sorry- i didn't mean to scare you or anything. i'm just worried for you. i don't want you to disappear on me, 007n7." guest was panicking again, clearly afraid he misstepped somehow. it makes 007n7 ache, full of guilt.
"i know, it's just… i never thought i'd hear someone say it out loud." he gives that same, nervous laugh, sheepish as always. guest stares at him blankly. he's making it more awkward for both of them than it already is. what a mess. 007n7 never knows how to fix what he's broken. "i mean- uh- you're not wrong! to be concerned for me, i mean- i just didn't realize i was…"
"..."
"i didn't realize i was so far gone. i'm used to it i guess! you know how it is here, things just become a normal part of life! ha…"
"oh, 007n7…" guest's tone is sickeningly sweet, the kind of cloying voice in those shows he put on for c00lkidd. the type that can only be artificial. forced. it only spurs 007n7 on.
"you kind of have to be to survive here, i mean. what am i saying, this is stupid, you must think i'm sick or pathetic-" 007n7's eyes widen in fear, struck by a horrifying possibility. "are you going to tell them? how disgusting i am?"
"what? no! i wouldn't do that to you!" guest is horrified. 007n7 shrinks back in his seat, silenced. how could he accuse guest? how paranoid is he? what is wrong with him?
"...i'm sorry. i didn't mean to say that, oh goodness, forgive me-"
"007n7, you have to stop being so hard on yourself. you're not pathetic or disgusting."
"oh…" that's… not what 007n7 was expecting.
"now i'm no therapist, clearly," 007n7 snorted, "but you're clearly struggling with a lot of self loathing. am i wrong?"
"...no."
"and you're probably telling yourself that you deserve it, right?"
"well-"
"i don't want to hear whatever justification you tell yourself about how you deserve this. none of us do. just because you had some dark past doesn't mean you should be punishing yourself for it now, 007n7. you've already turned your life around, haven't you? you've become a better person than you were before. there's nothing to atone for. stop torturing yourself."
"...easier said than done." has he become a better person? he still feels the same. still, the 007n7 of the past wouldn't be feeling guilty over anything. that 007n7 was more concerned about what poor robloxian to terrorize next. perhaps he has changed. guest kept talking, once again pulling 007n7 out of his thoughts.
"i know, easy for me to say. 'oh, look at guest, who does he think he is, telling me how to feel,' eh?" another laugh escapes the ex-hacker, louder than before. guest grins at 007n7 as he covers his mouth in embarrassment. "but i want you to try. and when you can't, come to me. i want to help you, 007n7."
"...are you secretly a therapist or something? what can't you do?" this time, it's guest erupting in laughter.
"ha! no. honestly, i'm making this up as i go. works wonders, right?" his smile softens in fondness, forlorn. 007n7 recognizes the look - it's one 007n7 makes, too. "experience also helps, i guess. i used to be the go to when my loved ones needed comfort… it's come in handy here. you'd be surprised how being in hell and getting killed on the regular seems to mess with people's heads."
"you have exhibit a right here, don't you?" 007n7 points to himself, a teasing tilt to his tone. guest yelps, producing a sound resembling a dying animal, one not reflecting his rugged appearance at all. another wave of laughter fills the cabin.
"oh my god, you're gonna be the death of me, 007n7." guest looks at him with the same fondness. 007n7 can't decipher if it's familial, platonic, or something else entirely.
he can't allow himself to hope for something more. he savors it anyway.
guest watches 007n7 closely. 007n7 can feel him staring, gaze boring into his soul, as if he could see 007n7's sins. it follows him, from the cabin to the rounds, but it doesn't feel malicious or creepy. it's oddly comforting.
guest's gaze isn't the only thing that lingers - the man himself chooses to stay with 007n7. small things, like inviting 007n7 to dinner, and sticking with him during a round. all with the same, kind smile. proof that he sees 007n7 when no one else does.
guest sits down next to 007n7 on the docks. it still surprises 007n7 all the same. he jumps out of reflex, only relaxing when guest laughs. guest's shoulders shake, head thrown back, a bright smile on his face as he sits down. 007n7 can finally say he has a companion in this hell.
they find solace in the silence, watching the stars over the water. 007n7 used to believe that they were looking down at him, the way a statue judges a viewer emotionlessly. not anymore. this isn't the first time guest has joined 007n7 on the docks, tethering him to reality. the man in question starts bouncing his leg, arms crossed.
"have you... done 'it' recently?" guest carefully asks, as if 007n7 would run away at the slightest thing. it was a valid assumption to make. 007n7's serene expression shifted to discomfort. he subconsciously curled up in himself, ready to jump and flee. guest puts a hand on his back, rubbing small circles, calming 007n7. he feels warm. he always does around guest.
"not since... then." 007n7 whispered.
007n7 was lying. well, kind of. he did stop cutting himself on his arms, letting them heal as well as they could in literal hell. doesn't mean he didn't stop cutting where no one could see. every time he bled, the image of guest holding his hands, tearfully pleading with him haunted 007n7 like a spectre. (not that spectre) it haunted him enough to deter him away from cutting.
first it was a week without feeling the sensation of blood tricking down any part of his body. his body ached for him to take any sharp object and make a new incision. it was sick; he trained his body to crave the pain of self-inflicted wounds. god, what was he doing to himself? perhaps he wasn't surviving as well as he thought he was.
before 007n7 knew it, he was a week clean. unfathomable. it was easier to keep going, especially with guest's presence. more weeks passed by, mostly cut-free. 007n7 can't pretend he completely stopped, that he's completely better, but he's somewhat improved. it's enough to keep the self-loathing at bay, for the moment.
guest didn't seem to pick up on 007n7's lie. he was too trusting, holding on to everyone else's words like they were scripture. 007n7 envies him; a world where he wasn't second guessing praises and kindness was a fantasy. still, 007n7 was grateful for guest's naivete.
"you did good today, seven." oh yeah, there's that. that endearing nickname, flustering 007n7 more than it should. guest turned to him, eyes shining. his posture relaxed, hands falling next to 007n7's own. "your way of tricking the killers... I've never seen anything like it. pretending to be a clone? it's ingenious. you come up with new ideas we wouldn't have even thought of."
he's lying. 007n7 pushed the thought down. guest wouldn't lie to him like this. guest wouldn't take pity on him, to make up such a detailed complement... would he? 007n7 has to make a conscious, tiring effort to not entertain his own doubts.
"oh gee... i try my best!" 007n7 laughed, hand scratching his neck, pulling away.
"i mean it, seven. i'm proud of you."
007n7 pauses. joy bloomed in his heart, giddy and warm. he was practically preening at the complement, despite the nagging feeling that it wasn't genuine. a complement's a complement. he might as well pretend it's real. guest is still grinning in that sickeningly genuine, pleasant way he always does - soft, despite how intimidating he seems to be. guest has seen him at his worst, and he still smiles at him like that.
"... thank you guest. for everything, i mean." 007n7's hands start flying as he spills out words of gratitude. every single thought he's had about guest flows out of him like a river, not unlike the one they're watching. "you- you're so kind to me - to everyone! and it's really admirable, and you're so strong and dependable, supporting us all, emotionally and physically, and you've helped me so much i-"
guest presses his mouth against 007n7's.
007n7 freezes in place.
the kiss is chaste, and ends as quickly as it started. it's barley a press against 007n7's lips. 007n7 can feel the phantom touch of guest's lips. he touches them thoughtlessly, eyes wide.
guest looks... nervous. embarrassed. his face is warm and rosy. cute. the silence stretches on, 007n7 still processing exactly what just happened.
"i'm sorry, did i misread the situation? i overstepped, please forgive me-"
"no, that was... good! great." 007n7 hushes guest's frantic apologies. his smile is so wide it hurts his face. then, he remembers.
"but... why me? you know how broken i am. how could you love me?" 007n7's thoughts are getting in the way again, but he can't stop them this time. his brain keeps working against him in some sick self-sabotage, supplying more doubts. this can't be real, there's no way guest would actually like him, this must be some sort of charity, like he's a project to be fixed-
"you think too low of yourself. how could i not love you?" guest leans in for another kiss, pulling away almost just as quickly. "you're nothing short of genius, you're kind, despite the adversary you face, you're so strong, if anything i admire you. i want to be by your side." guest sounds so genuine, 007n7 can't doubt him anymore. it's too warm. it's not enough.
"...i don't feel like i deserve you." 007n7 is quiet as he confesses. in a way, he is confessing how he feels, beyond love. nothing guest couldn't surmise, based on how much he's peeled back the layers of 007n7's heart, but saying it out loud lifts a weight off his shoulders.
"you have me anyway." guest's words are also quiet, but confident. steadfast. he's certain about how he feels about 007n7. the thought fills 007n7 with a giddy, childish thrill. this thrill is something different - something more fulfilling. guest loves him. he can't doubt his words anymore, how could he? guest, steadfast, reliable, kind guest, loves him. it reassures him, surrounds him in a comforting hug, and fills him with confidence. 007n7 initiates another kiss, allowing himself to linger and feel. feeling guest's chap lips against his soft ones, eyes closed, guest's hands grasping his waist. his own are reaching for guest's face, tracing the textured scars on his cheeks.
maybe things are going to be okay. 007n7 can survive- no, he can live like this, with guest as his companion. one day, he'll be there for guest like guest is there for him, and share his burdens. but for now, he's content to enjoy guest's company, the stars as their witnesses.