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Backstage was complete and utter chaos. Dozens of people rushed back and forth, their raised voice along with the impatient mummer of the crowd only added to the already headache inducing level of noise. It also did nothing to reduce the tension that weighed heavy in the air, as it always did before they went on stage.
Taehyung could feel the preshow nerves like electricity in the air, buzzing and crackling all around him as the rest of bangtan warmed up, jumping around to work of their excess jitters, going through last minute vocal routines, making sure they were ready to give the best performance they could.
It was always like this and yet every time Taehyung was as nervous as if it was the first. He had thought the anxious feeling he got just before shows would ease as he became more accustomed to it. But it didn’t and the last five or ten minutes before they went on were always hell.
The sick feeling he got, like big nasty butterflies swarming in his gut always reminded him of unpleasant things like waiting in a dentist’s office or about to start into a big exam he hadn’t studied for. He knew there was nothing he could do about it but that didn’t help the nausea.
Taehyung had tucked himself away in a corner so he would be underfoot and also so that he could retreat from the noise and everyone’s nerves that he didn’t need on top of his own. He bounced his leg up and down, a habit that had developed over the years and he could feel his heart pounding like a live humming bird was trapped in his chest and was desperately trying to peck its way out.
His palms were sweating and he felt light headed. He wondered if he should go and get some water, the last thing he needed was to faint on stage. But what if he had to pee? What if he did and was then late? What if he was in such a hurry he tripped and fell getting onto the stage? What if he didn’t notice his fly was still undone? What if-
Taehyung was so consumed by his anxious worries he didn’t even notice Namjoon break away from the rest of the group and come sit next to him.
Without a word he took Taehyung shaking hand in his, enclosing it in a reassuring, solid warmth. Taehyung self-consciously removed his hand, wiped his sweaty palm on his trousers and sheepishly offered it back to Namjoon who took it again with a fond smile.
They didn’t speak but that was okay with Taehyung, it was times like these he appreciated the comfortable silence that enveloped the two of them like a cosy blanket. It was like they were in their own little world where everything was calm and still and Taehyung could feel the nerves lesson and his heart beat slow. Before Namjoon had come over he had felt as though he had been about to be overwhelmed, swept away by a tide of his own anxieties but now Namjoon was here, his mere presence anchoring him to the present, dispelling all his fears.
He couldn’t remember exactly when they started this unspoken ritual, to him it felt like Namjoon had always just been there for him when he needed it.
Even at night, when darkness overwhelmed the light and Taehyung found himself all alone with his insecurities, Namjoon was there, reassuring him, wiping away his worries as easily as he wiped away his tears. He was always there to tell Taehyung that no he hadn’t gained weight, yes he was still a great dancer, yes his voice was unique and beautiful and so was his smile, no he wasn’t a burden, yes he was a valuable member of the group. No matter what was bothering Taehyung Namjoon always seemed to know just the right thing to say to make it all go away.
Someone was yelling for the final call and Taehyung knew it was time to go. Part of him didn’t want to leave Namjoon’s side for fear the peaceful feelings would be lost but another part of him wanted to get n stage and not have to wait anymore.
They stood up together, hands still intertwined. Taehyung looked up at Namjoon who gazed down at him with sincere eyes, filled with affection and Taehyung gave him a smaller, private smile to let him know he was feeling better. Their faces were close, probably closer than they should have been and Taehyung wanted to lean forward and kiss Namjoon but he knew they couldn’t. Too many people watching, too many lights and cameras. But Taehyung smiled anyway, there would be plenty of time later, right now they had a show do to.
Namjoon reached up to run his free hand through Taehyung’s carefully styled hair and Taehyung leaned into the touch automatically.
‘You ready?’ Namjoon murmured his deep voice rumbling in his chest. Taehyung closed his eyes and listened to the roar of the crowd, the thousands of fans screaming their names. He heard the rest of bangatan, chattering and goofing around. He let Namjoon’s rhythmic breathing calm him until he felt his heart beat steadily in time. He opened his eyes and gave Namjoon’s hand one final squeeze.
‘let’s go.’