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Namjoon had been running around school for the last twenty minutes, panic rising, when he finally found Taehyung. The younger boy was huddled under the stairs, knees pulled up to his chest, as if he was trying to make himself as small as possible. His head was buried in his arms and Namjoon couldn’t see his face. His shoulders weren’t heaving but when he looked up at the approaching footsteps and Namjoon felt his heart break a little when he saw the tears stains running down his face. His eyes were red and puffy and his nose was running and Namjoon knew it was all his fault.
The second Taehyung realised it was Namjoon standing in the doorway, he purposely turned his face away refusing to even look at him. Namjoon hesitated so unsure of how to proceed. It was painfully obvious Taehyung wanted absolutely nothing to do with him but Namjoon knew he would hate himself even more if he didn’t at least try to make things right.
‘Taehyung?’ he asked tentatively as he took a couple of careful steps into the room, slowly approaching Taehyung who still refused to even glance at him.
‘Go away!’ Taehyung’s voice was thick with emotion and he sniffed, angrily rubbing his hands over his eyes. Namjoon winced at how Taehyung tried to sound mad but only sounded hurt.
‘Tae, I’m sorry.’ Namjoon said, normally he would have hated how it sounded like he was pleading but now, if it would get Taehyung to at least look at him he would have gotten down on his knees and begged.
This time he got no response. The same maddening feeling of uncertainty wormed his way back into his gut. He wished Taehyung would get properly angry, yell and shout at him, tell him what an idiot he was, anything, anything at all would have been infinitely better than this strained silence and the tears. Namjoon saw no other option, other than walking away which was out of the question, so taking the last few steps forward he crouched down in front of Taehyung. They would have been face to face if Taehyung would just turn his head but he stubbornly refused.
‘Baby look at me,’ Namjoon beseeched his voice low and gentle as if he trying not to startle a frightened animal.
‘Don’t call me that!’ Taehyung snapped with a little of the anger Namjoon had hoped for but even so his voice wobbled dangerously like he was on the verge of bursting into tears again. And in that moment Namjoon felt worse than a speck of dirt.
‘Taehyung you know I didn’t mean any of that right?’ no answer, just stony silence with the exception of a dejected snivel. ‘Taehyung I love you.’
At this Taehyung’s face whipped round to stare at Namjoon, stunned, anger and hurt momentarily forgotten. Namjoon could understand Taehyung’s shock, he was honestly a little surprised himself. They had never used the word ‘love’ before in their relationship. Up until now it had only ever been ‘like’ or ‘infatuation’ always teetering on the edge of some stronger feeling but neither of them willing to quite take that final step. Namjoon hated how the first time he admitted his love for Taehyung was as an apology. He really was an idiot.
‘Are you sure you want to say that, Namjoon?’ Taehyung asked, his voice oddly cold, more lacking emotion than Namjoon had ever heard it. ‘What if one of your friends hears you?’
Namjoon was taken aback by the bitterness in Taehyung’s voice but he supposed he had every right to be upset. He cringed as he thought of how he had treated Taehyung in front of his friends in order to protect his stupid image.
‘Tae I swear I didn’t mean any of it,’ Namjoon said, his voice strained by the lump forming in his throat, ‘we agreed we can’t let anyone find out about us,’
Taehyung’s lower lip trembled as he glanced sideways at Namjoon, wide eyes filled more with sadness than with hurt or anger. Namjoon knew that some part of Taehyung probably hated him right now for how he had embarrassed him but he also knew that mostly Tae hated the situation they found themselves in time after time.
Taehyung was a naturally affectionate person who loved contact and attention, it was one of the things Namjoon adored most about him but it also made trying to keep their relationship a secret difficult. Today Taehyung had tried to hug him and Namjoon had been forced to push him away laughing at him and dismissing him as nothing more than a cling underclassman. Thinking back to that Namjoon felt another such of guilt and disgust over what he had done. Taehyung was so sweet and kind and he deserved someone far better than Namjoon. Someone who wasn’t ashamed to acknowledged him in public.
‘Just be patient with me,’ Namjoon said softly reaching out to wipe away Taehyung’s tears with his thumb. Taehyung didn’t flinch away from his touch which Namjoon felt a small spark of hope. ‘Just wait til the end of the school year okay, Tae? Once I graduate things will be different, I promise.’
‘We can be together?’ Taehyung asked and Namjoon hated how unsure he sounded as if he actually thought Namjoon might say no.
‘of course,’ Namjoon said firmly, meaning every word, promising Taehyung that he would make up for all the times he’d been a dick to him in school by loving him for the rest of his life.
Taehyung looked at Namjoon his eyes now as big and incredulous as he’d ever seen them, looking up at him with such a beautiful look of hope and adoration and Namjoon had no idea what he could have done to deserve someone as wonderful as Taehyung.
Without warning Taehyung reached out and grabbed Namjoon pulling him into a smothering hug as he buried his face in the crook of Namjoon’s neck. Namjoon just wrapped his arms around Taehyung and held him close enjoying how right everything felt and in that moment he never wanted to let go.
Taehyung mumbled something but his voice was muffled by Namjoon’s shoulder.
‘What was that Tae?’ Namjoon asked and Taehyung raised his head to look at Namjoon, a small smile playing on his lips.
‘I said you’re an idiot but I love you too, Namjoon.’ And Namjoon’s heart soared at how unapologetic he sounded.