Chapter Text
20 years, 1 month, 11 days ago
For many in Incheon, South Korea, it was just another Thursday.
For Jisung, it was the day he was born.
It was also the day his curse began.
By all accounts, it was a normal birth. A healthy, screaming baby boy. Brought over to the sanitized table to be weighed and measured. The joy of a new life coming into the world.
Until the noise stopped.
An impossibly tiny hand covered two impossibly tiny eyes. His breath quickened and became shallow. When that happened, so did his mother’s. A background set of beeps tracking her pulse fell flat. Jisung, minutes old, swaddled in a sky blue blanket, was abandoned as the nurses attended to the woman on the hospital bed.
One solitary note rang out as a doctor ran in with a defibrillator. This pitch will be his anchor to impress his friends in the future with his uncanny musical talents, though he won’t know why. Time passes, and the energy of the room shifts from frantic to somber. The pitch stops ringing out, and is replaced by the sobs of Jisung’s father. He scoops the baby in his arms, against the nurses’ wishes, and rests them both against his wife’s chest. The sky blue blanket, the blue scrubs, and his dark blue shirt meld together to mourn the loss of the woman he leaned on for so long.
That day, a husband lost his wife.
A child lost his mother.
And, for now, it’s just a coincidence.
Jisung doesn’t blame himself.
Yet.
17 years, 9 months, 11 days ago
Jisung fiddled with his sky blue blanket. He looked around the studio apartment in awe from his high chair, where his dad often kept him so he didn’t get into trouble while he worked. Fortunately, little Jisung was able to amuse himself quite well. He chomped into his blanket and pulled it away, admiring the teeth marks and giggling to himself. Skillfully shifting the blanket to a new spot with his tiny hands, he made a tiny roar, soft enough to not disrupt his dad, and dug his teeth into the fabric again. His giggles grew louder, even more delighted than the time before.
Jisung’s dad turned around from his desk towards his son, smiling and keeping his tears back as he always did. “You getting hungry, Jisungie?”
“Yeah!”
His dad stood up and walked into their modest kitchen, watching his son try to clap with the blanket between his hands. He never learned how to cook before Jisung was born, and didn’t have time as a single father, so anything instant and quick had to do. It didn’t stop Jisung from thinking his dad made magical and delicious food. That half truth will live on until Jisung decides to call it out.
Jisung’s cheerful demeanor quieted down as the cell phone rang. His teeth marks were no longer as amusing to him. The world became bright and his heart became heavy. Jisung buried his face into his blanket as his dad fell to his knees. The microwave beeped periodically, letting them both know that the food was ready, but it didn’t matter.
It was the police.
His only sibling, his sister, got into a car accident when a drunk driver blew through a stoplight.
She died on impact.
Jisung reacted to his dad’s grief, as far as his dad remembered.
But that wasn’t the case.
His curse was still hidden for now.
15 years, 1 month, 20 days ago
Jisung was going to be five next week, and was excited his dad let him start kindergarten instead of preschool. He was extra excited since he was in the United States.
Jisung’s dad wanted to move after both his parents passed the previous year. With nothing tying him to the country except his son, the bad memories of South Korea were too much. He heard from a work colleague that there was a strong Korean community in Atlanta, Georgia. It was safer than New York and cheaper than Los Angeles. He transferred from his Seoul office to the Atlanta location in the summer, after working all spring to get their visas approved. They spent the month of August exploring the shops and restaurants, surrounded by a mix of English and Korean. Similar enough to home to not be homesick, but different enough to not be stuck in the constant cycles of mourning. Jisung was too young to understand why he had no aunts, uncles or grandparents left, so his youthful spirit filled in the gaps.
Jisung was full of joy and confident in himself considering how much loss he endured at such a young age. At this point, no one knew that he felt the deaths of his family members. He hadn’t made the connection within himself yet, even though it did feel suspicious sometimes when he was near other grown-ups. The sensation wasn’t as overwhelming as it was with his family, but something was there, nagging at him, telling him someone was about to be sad. In Jisung’s young mind, the best way to not be sad was to be happy, and that’s what he chose to do.
Today, he was happy, but he was also nervous.
He practiced many simple English phrases over the past month, just in case his classmates only spoke English. He even tried some of them out with the Koreatown shopkeepers, who would smile and try their best not to ruffle his unkempt brown hair in affection. His mind glommed onto the information as he learned it, and he hoped it all stuck as he separated from his dad and entered the towering brick building in front of him.
Taking a deep breath, he found his way around the corner to a large poster board that said “Miss Cho’s class: Welcome to your first day!” on it outside of his classroom. The phrase was written twice, in red and blue, Hangul and English, respectively. Jisung gasped as he saw labels for almost everything in the room, handwritten in the same red and blue fonts as outside. He wanted to run over to every sign and memorize it. He tried to weave between the desks to read what the English word was for ‘window’ without the glare of the fluorescent lights, but he bumped into a kid around his size, his matching hair and eyes a shade darker than Jisung’s brown.
“I’m sorry I ran into you!” Jisung quickly rattled off in Korean.
“It’s okay.” The boy responded back in English.
“Oh!” Jisung focused so hard on what he wanted to say next that his face scrunched into a tiny ball, while at the same time his cheeks puffed out. “Hello! My name is Jisung! What is your name?”
“My name is Seungmin.” He gave a slight head bow to Jisung. “How old are you?”
Jisung was delighted he knew the answer to this question. All his practice was paying off. “I am five next week on 14 September…and you?”
“I will be five on September 22.” Seungmin responded slowly, counting on his fingers to figure out how many days apart those numbers were.
“I’m gonna be five too!” A very different English accent screamed from across the room. Jisung and Seungmin both looked at the blonde near the door. His hair was neatly trimmed and tucked behind his ears, but his bangs were long, hanging just above his eyes. “On September 15!” He ran between the desks to greet them, a broad grin on his face. Jisung was happy he didn’t feel the sadness coming from either of them. “My name is Felix! What are yours?”
“My name is Jisung!” Jisung repeated gleefully.
“My name is Seungmin.” Seungmin repeated to the new boy as well.
Felix nodded, failing to shake the bangs out of his eyes. “Do you guys wanna be friends?”
Jisung thought hard, but he couldn’t make out what Felix said. “I don’t know English good. I am new to America.”
”All I understood was the word ‘friend.’” Seungmin whispered to Jisung. ”I think he wants to be our friend.”
“Oh no!” Felix started panicking as the words came out. ”I don’t know Korean that good. I’m from Australia. We mostly speak English there.”
“That’s okay.” Seungmin smiled as he looked back and forth between Jisung and Felix. He pointed between the three of them and looked directly at Felix. ”Friend.” He did the same gesture and looked at Jisung. “Friend. Let’s be friends. ”Let’s be friends.”
“Friends!” Felix shouted in English.
”Friends!” Jisung shouted back in Korean.
“Okay everyone, time to have a seat!”
And thus, their friendship began with no looming dread in Jisung’s heart.
9 years, 1 month ago
The beginning of middle school is inherently terrifying. Fortunately, Jisung had his two best friends, Felix and Seungmin, by his side the whole time. The beginning of the school year meant celebrating their birthdays together in a big joint party. It was the weekend after Seungmin’s birthday, and, per tradition, they were gathered at his house with all the parents. Jisung’s dad usually would be there, but he had to work this particular day. The white frosted sheet cake, half vanilla and half chocolate, had the letters “Happy Birthday September Trio!” written in blue frosting, the font swirling and sprawling across the surface.
Another tradition was to place the candles on the dots of “I” and crosses of “T,” and then one extra candle around the word “happy” to make it an even six. Jisung and Felix would stand to the right of the cake, and Seungmin straight on. He would blow towards the “Happy” and “September” candles; Jisung, in the upper right corner, would blow towards the two “Birthday” candles; Felix, at the lower right, would blow the two “Trio” candles. Every year, Seungmin would always complain about being spit on, despite having the option to move. Yet, every year, he would endure the cross winds of Felix and Jisung’s strong exhales to extinguish the candles.
The room darkened as Seungmin and Felix’s parents began to sing. Each child was positioned at their unofficial spots. Jisung looked at his friends, grinning in anticipation of getting this over with and eating the cake. Their presents were in the living room of Seungmin’s modest house. Those would come later after the joy and laughter of eating and talking about what another school year would bring.
“Alright boys,” Seungmin’s mom called out. “Make a wish!”
Jisung closed his eyes and drew in a deep breath. Every year his wish was the same, and every year he refused to confess to it. He just wanted his dad to be happy. Jisung’s birthday was a tough day for his dad, as it was the same day he lost his wife. It never bothered Jisung, as every year, his dad would share a different story about her. This year, he finally told Jisung about their first date and how they met. With thoughts of his parents running through his head, Jisung blew out the candles with Felix and Seungmin. Everyone clapped and cheered, and Felix’s mom turned the kitchen lights back on.
And Jisung was overwhelmed by the light.
“Jisung, do you want chocolate or vanilla first?” Seungmin’s mom asked as she started cutting up a chocolate piece for Felix, candles long removed from their places. “Jisung?”
Seungmin looked up from the vanilla piece of cake on his plate. “You okay, Sungie?”
“Too bright.” The throbbing in his chest was overwhelming as he covered his eyes with the back of his hand.
“It’s okay, Jisung.” Felix put an arm around Jisung’s shoulders, concerned for his friend, as his breath grew shallow and frantic. Jisung often started talking in Korean when he panicked. “What’s wrong?”
”Bright means bad.”
Seungmin’s mom made her way around the table as the other adults tried not to panic. She took the seat Felix had been using to hold Jisung’s left hand. ”Jisung, take some deep breaths for me, okay?”
“Call my dad.” When no one responded immediately, he lost his sense of self completely, pleading from somewhere outside his mind and body. “CALL MY DAD!”
Jisung got the same sinking feeling he remembered getting about his aunt and grandparents long ago when he still lived in South Korea. He had only put everything together last year, when he woke up in a cold sweat from a dream, seeing an old woman pass away in a hospital bed that looked similar to his music teacher at school. The feelings of dread weren’t as intense when it wasn’t his family. When she didn’t show up the next day due to a “family emergency,” his suspicion was confirmed. He would have varying feelings of dread and sensitivity to light if those close to him were about to lose a cherished loved one. It was a burden that he kept to himself, and also why he didn’t try to get close to anyone anymore.
If he was truly correct about his curse, he would have no family by the time he went to sleep tonight. The last bit of joy he tried to keep in his life wouldn’t be able to hold.
“Jisung, honey, I’m so sorry…” He heard from somewhere far away.
Jisung had no one except Felix and Seungmin now.
He would never be the same again.
2 years, 4 months, 22 days ago
“Congratulations, class of 2018!”
Various seniors around Jisung threw their hats in the air to celebrate the end of their educational journey. Many of them, including himself and his friends, would be going to college in the fall. Felix was behind him, probably talking to the seniors snaking through the seats to find him specifically. His looks and personality made him blow up in popularity early in their high school years, but Felix never forgot Jisung. He would yell at people to go away if he was in the middle of talking to Jisung sometimes, despite Jisung’s well known loner reputation. None of them mattered, because Jisungie would always come first for Lixie.
Forward and to his left through the mass of people, Seungmin was shaking hands with the principal. As the class valedictorian, his speech was everything Jisung expected it to be: witty, thoughtful, and full of hope for the future. As much as Jisung wanted his future to be far away from here, his EAD and labor laws around minors prevented him from saving up as much money as he wanted. It didn’t help that his dad picked one of the most regressive states to live in when it came to fair pay. He kept his grades up well enough to get scholarship money to several schools, and picked (read: received the most money from) Georgia State. It also helped that they had a Korean exchange program he could take advantage of if he kept his grades up. Seungmin’s parents, whom he moved in with shortly after his father passed, offered to let him stay during the summer to save more money before he moved to campus. He planned to work his ass off in the hopes of making enough money for a guaranteed second year in case he botched his studies completely. He never had to pay rent, but he did start buying his own food as soon as he could possibly get a job to lessen the financial burden on them for essentially adopting another son.
Jisung had done his best to block out everyone except Seungmin and Felix since his dad died. Some people sure did try to break through the emotional steel vault he locked himself in. No figurative dynamite nor more subtle disarming would work. So he kept his friends close, and himself closer. He took in his surroundings, and it wasn’t lost on him how lonely that conscious decision made him now, as groups of two or three teenagers congregated around various rows of chairs, talking excitedly about their futures. Futures full of family and friends and love.
A future Jisung will probably never have.
“Jisung!” Seungmin called out as he walked up the aisle to approach him. “Congratulations!”
“Thanks.” Jisung gave him a genuine smile. He couldn’t help but see Seungmin as a younger brother, even if it was only by a mere eight days. “Great speech, by the way.”
Seungmin gently tugged the sleeve of his cloak so they could make their way towards his parents. “Thank you! Did it come off as too nerdy?”
Jisung shook his head, fighting the discomfort of clothes sticking to his skin because of the heat and humidity. “No, it was perfect.”
“Felix!” Seungmin shouted. “Get over here!”
Felix turned towards the sound of his name. His glorious blonde hair, free from the graduation cap, made him look like a model. “One second!” He shouted back.
Felix waved goodbye to his group of friends and joined the pair as they went towards the stands behind the rows and rows of chairs. Felix and Seungmin’s parents were sitting side-by-side, engrossed in conversation. Felix’s mom waved excitedly as the three of them approached, working her way down the bleachers to approach the trio.
“Congratulations!” She hugged Seungmin first, working her way down the line. “I am so proud of you boys! You’re all grown-up now! You’ve turned out so well!”
“Thanks.” Jisung mumbled, keeping himself from making a comment on how that only applied to two of them.
“Congratulations.” Seungmin’s dad added, giving each of them a handshake as an unofficial greeting line of parents formed. “You’ve turned into fine young men.”
“Thanks, dad.” Seungmin looked towards his mom, who was the last to arrive in their group. “Do you have the…things?”
“Yes, I do.” She reached into her purse and pulled out two envelopes, handing one to Jisung and the other to Felix. “Congratulations, you two. Please take this as a gift from us.”
Jisung bowed his head slightly in her direction as he studied his name handwritten on the front. He guessed the gift was probably money, and whatever amount would be far too generous of them after all they had done for him through middle and high school after his dad passed away. On the other hand, he certainly wasn’t going to turn away extra money to help him save for school. Turning the envelope around, a ‘congratulations’ sticker was on the back holding the envelope closed, colorful balloons above the bold black word. He opened it as best he could without ripping the sticker and saw a check face down. When he removed it, he turned it over to see $5,000.
“That’s too much.” He spat out instantly. “I can’t accept that.”
“That’s…” Even Felix was speechless, and he had a comeback for everything in English and Korean. “Too generous.”
“It’s really not.” Seungmin’s dad smiled proudly at them. “We talked about it, and you boys are as good as family. You worked hard and earned it.”
Jisung didn’t like hugs nowadays, but he couldn’t help it as he lunged towards his second dad and wrapped his arms around him. He was relieved when the deep sense of dread from his curse stayed dormant. “Thank you. So much.”
“Of course, Jisung.” He felt a few pats on his back. “You deserve the world.”
He knew he was loved. He just wasn’t sure he deserved anything or anyone if his curse still existed. Once Seungmin and Felix and their parents died, he would truly have no one left.
1 year, 11 months, 15 days ago
Jisung had been at Georgia State for a while now. Had seen and talked to all different kinds of people. He mostly took gen ed classes. Nothing fancy. Just your basic first year college fare. It was odd being away from home. Or Seungmin’s home. But basically his own after so many years.
He wished his dad was still here. Not only because he always wished it. He just…well, he could use his dad’s advice. How to deal with new people and situations. But particularly in how to cope with his struggles about his sexuality. Having shut everyone out in high school, he wanted to give humanity another shot. It’s been a long time. He had an extra 5G’s in his pocket. He’s pretty sure he’s still a decent person. That’s what Felix and Seungmin tell him all the time. So maybe someone else will think so too.
It’s just, Jisung’s not really into women.
So here he is at the campus coffee shop sitting across from a cute guy. Traditionally gorgeous. Tall. Messy blonde hair. Piercing blue eyes. In shape. Always smiling. Model shit. At least by American standards.
Jisung met Jason in his math class. Early on, Jason would ask questions about the assignments, and then they got to talking. They were some of the longest conversations Jisung had in years outside of his friends. The lack of proper social practice in high school with anyone, not just attractive people who were attracted to him, left him speechless and stuttering when Jason officially asked him out. Not to study, Jisung clarified, just coffee? His genuine smile left no doubt what his intentions were. And so, in the collegiate spirit of trying new things, he agreed.
“So what do you like to do, outside of being good at math?” Jason put down his cup of caramel macchiato with several modifications Jisung didn’t understand when they were at the register together.
Jisung took a nervous sip of his iced coffee and tried to come up with an answer that wasn’t depressing. “Umm, I like music. Listening and playing. Talking to my friends.” Avoiding the darkness. Not cursing others so their friends and family die. “Stuff like that.”
“Do your friends go to college too?” Jisung nodded as he innocently looked up from where the straw was between his lips. Jason smirked, but didn’t mention why. “What are they studying?”
“Felix is going into social work, and Seungmin got a full ride for chemistry. Or biology?” Jisung noticed his shoulders were shrugged forward and rolled them back. He focused on the tangible sensation of the cold liquid traveling down his esophagus to his stomach. “Some smart science degree related to medicine and diseases.”
The blonde raised his eyebrows. “You have smart friends, huh?”
“Yeah.” Being with them sounded like a better idea than being here. He missed them. “I told him to put his smarts to good use. We’ll need help with that soon.”
“Oh?”
Right. The darkness was a Jisung problem. He struggled to come up with a quick redirection. “No use being the valedictorian if you’re only going to study music, right?”
Jason’s laugh itched at Jisung’s ears. That’s probably not good, but who knows, honestly. “A music degree isn’t the worst.”
“No, it’s not.” Jisung conceded. “Just not practical.”
The silence of fundamental disagreement hung around a few beats too long. “What else do you do for fun?”
“This isn’t all about me.” He forced out an uncomfortable chuckle. “What do you do for fun?”
“Hang out with friends. Go to parties. Spend time with fam…”
The buzz in Jisung’s head grew and the overhead lights shifted from soft yellow to searing white. He fought the urge to visibly block it like he normally did. Jason wasn’t a bad guy, by any means. When two older people were thrust to the forefront of Jisung’s mind, he knew Jason wasn’t going to be able to consider a relationship any time soon.
“You might want to call your parents.” Jisung stood up and tucked his chair beneath the table. Guilt flooded him when Jason looked discouraged, confused, and a little heartbroken. “And take the weekend for yourself.”
“What?” Jason’s phone buzzed and moved its way to vibrate against his coffee cup. He looked down at the caller ID and back up at Jisung. “Sorry, I have to…”
“I’m so sorry for your loss. I didn’t mean to…”
He sprinted to the door and rushed out into the campus quad, leaving Jason crying at the table as the person on the other end of the line gave him the bad news. The cold air stung his face as he sprinted away from his personal hell. He did it again, he screamed at himself, ignoring looks from the other students. He wasn’t sure if it was out loud or in his head. Frantically making his way to his dorm room, his head was exploding and collapsing at the same time. He did it again. He wasn’t safe. He’ll apologize later. If Jason will ever talk to him again. Maybe Jisung can part with some of his savings as an apology. Would $500 do? Maybe $1,000? That’s a lot of money, but maybe it will help offset the funeral costs. Is that a bribe at that point?
Jisung threw himself onto his mattress and screamed into his pillow. It was too much. He’ll never get away from this. Forever his curse. Forever alone. Forever unloved. He was probably jumping to conclusions, but he didn’t care right now. He just wanted the older couple, a tall blonde man and short redheaded woman with the same blue eyes, to leave his mind. He screamed until his throat was hoarse and cried until his eyes were sore and stinging. Through the afternoon and evening. As punishment, he opened the window and refused to use a blanket as the chilly fall air filled the room. The moon, almost full, was a natural substitute for the bright light he associated with his curse. The pain from the cold eventually left him exhausted and plunged him into a sorrowful slumber.
He tried to apologize to Jason in class the week after their date, but he just glared and turned his back.
Jisung didn’t fault Jason for his reaction, so he dropped the class the next day. He’ll catch math next semester. It’ll serve as punishment for taking away someone’s parent if he takes from himself the small sparks of joy he gets from moving variables back and forth across the equals sign.
He didn’t tell a soul about Jason or the date that ended in death. Not even Felix or Seungmin. Dying as an old maid can’t be that bad. Or whatever the male version of an old maid was. Any hopes of being otherwise were shoved down for now. Shoved into the abyss where mothers and fathers go to die.