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The funeral hall was eerily quiet.
Hyuntak looked around, right… there weren't many people around to begin with. It was just them and a few people he never had seen the faces of, sitting far away from their table. All of the union guys had left already, happily chatting away, laughing, as if it meant nothing to them. He had seen how they grinned- smiles full of disrespect plastered on their faces- when they stood there at the memorial altar paying Baekjin his last respect.
The respect they very obviously never had for him.
Perhaps except Seongje, who sat in the far back, paying no attention to anyone around him. Maybe he felt a little sorry for that guy too- what the hell?
For a moment he had felt bad for Baekjin, how he got defeated and lost everything in just a blink of an eye. He felt bad for someone he'd known way before all of this- before the union, before losing footing and falling down a dark path. Then Hyuntak was reminded of what he had robbed him of, not all too long ago. A grudge he would forever hold and suddenly he hated feeling even an ounce of sympathy.
But it was normal to feel bad, to feel sympathy because they were all way too young for this, for dying. This was never the ending he deserved.
Disappearing without a trace only to be found dead somewhere.
Everything was and looked so miserable. Juntae had his head dropped low and Sieun stared somewhere at the table, lost away in his thoughts, brows furrowed and behind him Humin, slumped together on the way too cold floor with his head hanging deep all the while silent sobs wracked his body. Even from where they sat, he could hear it and see those shoulders tremble. He had heard it so many times. Most of which at home, when he had run away again from his father, hiding at his place or when he just tried to relieve himself from all the stress.
So many moments, he should be used to it. But he wasn't. Not when this all was unfiltered grief, so raw and painful.
Something broke in him and he let his heart sink too. Too heavy was his heart, too unbearable to watch was it. Actually, he just wanted to get up and leave this hellish place behind. Why did this need to happen? After finally seeing sunshine after years of rain.
“You should be by his side.” Sieun’s voice ripped him right out of his thoughts, breaking through the silence. “And then you should go home. It's late already.”
Looking back up, Hyuntak met his soft but intense stare, reading every single thought in his mind.
“I don't-” He began, not knowing what he even wanted to say, too scared just saying one single thing would make him break out in tears again too.
“Humin needs someone right now and that someone is you.”
It was the first time he felt so awfully helpless, so out of place even with Sieun’s words in the back of his mind. Even when he gave him one of those faint smiles. He looked back at Humin, leaning against a wall now, hands covering his face.
The scraping of the chair against the cold floor sounded way too loud when he got up, like a thousand trains speeding through the hall, and each step felt as if he was walking in quicksand.
When he finally reached his side, he broke down as well. There his best friend was, only a reach away. A sobbing mess, hair sticking to his forehead and those hands still covering his face, shaking violently- shattering Hyuntak’s heart into million little pieces, unable to be put back together.
“Baku-” He began, a whisper, but couldn't manage to finish what he wanted to say as his voice betrayed him when Humin so desperately tried to brush away all the spilled tears only to give up midway through, slumping together more. He did it instead, letting them all soak up the sleeves of his dress shirt, then ran his fingers through his hair, gently brushing it out of his face.
Red puffy eyes stared at him now, desperate and helpless and so far away. Far away where he couldn't reach him in a place where it was dark- he had never seen him like this, never seen his eyes like that. Lost of all the sparks in them, light gone. Everything was just so painful to watch.
From his trembling frame and the hiccups, to the tears filling the palms of his hands rolling down his wrist to him reaching out now, feeling fingers digging into his sides, pulling him closer.
And Hyuntak could do nothing but watch him cry his heart out, like this.
“Should we go home, hm?” Lifting Humin’s head up, he watched him tense up and shake his head. Knowing exactly what was going through his mind at this word- home. A home without proper love, where it was cold and the only person around was his abusive alcoholic excuse of a father. A place where Humin hadn't gotten a proper sleep for so long.
He wouldn't let him go there. Not tonight, maybe not for a very long time.
“Let's stay over at mine.” No matter how much it hurt, he put on a smile for him knowing fully well it didn't reach his eyes, how could it even. “For as long as you want.”
He still didn't say a word, understandably so, hell, Hyuntak had to practically force each single word out of himself as well, but at least Humin looked a little more content with this offering, though not fully sure. He saw the doubt in his eyes- wondering if he would be a burden.
He would never be.
“You know it's alright. We've always been in this together.” Brushing away Humin’s tears, he had to swallow his own down. They sat there heavy, close to spill over with every shaking breath his best friend took. He didn't deserve it.
Never deserved any of those bad things happening to him. Not when he always tried to make everyone around him feel safe, happy.
And Hyuntak hated how he couldn't do anything in return now, except holding him. After everything Humin had done for him- after staying by his side during the worst days in his life, when he could barely walk, when he sometimes would get overrun by this indescribable excruciating pain, he took care of him as much as he could.
He hadn't been prepared for something so grave to happen, after everything, all those months running smooth, after winning their basketball game, after Sieun’s friend waking up. It felt like each of them got driven into a blade without a warning but only Humin was left with the biggest wound, open and bleeding straight into Hyuntak’s hands.
They had heard about it not long ago, a few hours ago. School had just ended, sun half above the horizon slowly settling down, when they heard the news. The smile his friend always wore slowly faded from his face. And suddenly nothing was warm anymore, it was cold and dark and silent. His loud voice fading into nothingness, those eyes looking at him helplessly.
For a short moment he had hoped it was a bad joke from Baekjin and he would reappear from the shadows, then at least he could properly hate him, like he should, not for hurting him but for hurting Humin so brutally, on repeat. But he never made his return and now all Hyuntak could feel was pity and grief.
His thoughts were interrupted when he felt his clothes being tugged at.
“I want to go.”
The first words Humin had spoken in a while, hours to be exact. His voice was hoarse from all the crying, merely a shaking whisper, just words between the two.
“Ok, let's go home.”
Helping him up from where he sat, gently holding him by his arms, feeling him shake under his hands, Hyuntak guided him toward the exit, both of their footsteps heavy.
“I will help you.” He didn't wait for an answer, didn't expect one anyway, as he got down on his knees in front of Humin to help him slip in his shoes. For a few days now he had endured this heavy feeling in his legs and there was this painful tingle in his ruined knee which kept him up at night like a bad omen- it hurt when he sat there on the ground, fingers tangled between shoelaces.
Then he felt those hands in his hair, those fingers slowly threading through it, brushing downwards, softly grazing his ears. He looked up- a sad smile staring down at him. Somewhere there behind it he could see it. The sincerity.
Deep inside it hurt, too because should he be feeling all those things for his best friend, especially now? When Humin looked at him like that, tears still in the corners of his eyes, still grieving the person he had once called his best best friend. Should his heart beat at these touches, a voice on the back of his mind reminding him of how long he'd felt this way.
Yeah, he told himself, it probably was everything but right for him to think like this. So he smiled back, as much as he could, heart beating heavy in his chest as he finished tying up Humin’s shoes.
When he got back up, stumbling a little and hissing under pain, he felt his hands slide down his face, holding him by his neck for a moment like he always would- despite everything, the circumstances, it felt strangely intimate. Something they shouldn't be doing here.
“Does it hurt?” Humin whispered, again. What was Hyuntak supposed to answer now without making him feel worse? Seconds passed, then he shook his head, silently reaching out for his jacket knowing well silence was honestly worse than any answer he could give now.
“In you go.” He said more to himself than anyone else, making him slip inside the jacket. The zipper felt unnaturally cold and heavy between his fingers and he could feel Humin’s breath grazing the side of his face as he looked anywhere but ahead.
Truth was though, Hyuntak couldn't look at him either when he felt that chest shake again under his touch when he zipped up his jacket, knowing very well what was happening- couldn't look at him when his hand reached out once more wrapping themselves around his wrist. Tight and secure as if Humin was afraid he could lose him too.
It was then when he realized it. Those shakes didnt come from his best friend but from himself. In all of this, Hyuntak hadn't even noticed the tears pricking in his eyes and the sobs he so desperately tried to swallow down. He hadn't noticed them spilling down his face silently. But he felt them now, dripping down his chin.
“Why are you crying?”
Why was he crying? And why did he feel like he was about to choke when he felt Humin’s other hand on his face holding him, just like he himself had done earlier.
“It's just awful. I should hate him, but I feel so bad. For you.” Hyuntak could only whisper the last words before they got swallowed by a wave of sobs, feeling his best friend holding him tight when it should be the other way around, soothing his tears.
“I hate it here.”
Looking over Humin’s shoulder, he could see Sieun watching them. That kind of expression he always wore when he caught him watching, observing them. It always made him wonder if he knew what he felt. After all, there was him and Suho. The things between them, unspoken, never addressed but every one of them knew.
Hyuntak didn't want this now, couldn't have him pry into his thoughts with those eyes that knew way too much so he averted his gaze, dropping it down to the ground again when he slipped inside his shoes and pulled his jacket from the coat hanger, picking up their bags, tears stuck in his eyes.
“Let's just go home… “
It was cold and dark outside by now, the streets covered in a layer of rain- the smell hung in the air, followed them as they made their way by foot. It must've rained when they had been inside. Somehow, it was strangely comforting knowing the weather wasn't feeling well either.
Hyuntak looked at Humin who still held him by his wrist. He would let him if it meant for him to feel something alive beat under his fingers. He also didn't mind for the fingers to slip under his sleeve, brushing over the spot where his pulse beat, making him close his eyes for a moment. He would let Humin touch him like this, no matter how many tingles it sent down his spine and chest.
For Humin it was the funeral of a best friend, for Hyuntak it was the funeral of his own feelings because now he could never bring himself to say a single- not that he had ever planned to say anything anyway- to big his fear of hurting him more.
Everything was as good as it is. Staying by his side was what was more important right now than anything.
That's what he told himself, knowing it was just another excuse. He had always pushed it away. For years- so many.
They arrived at his home not long after, greeted by silence, every space filled with emptiness. Hyuntak had last seen his mother some few days ago, on her way to a business trip. Maybe it was for the best that he was alone, so he wouldn't have to come up with some lie about why they both looked like this. No questions asked, no explanations given. Just the emptiness and them being the mess they were.
“My mother won't be home for about a week. You can stay as long.”
Kicking off his shoes in the darkness he waited for Humin to do the same, still holding onto him.
They slipped through an old wooden door, inside his bedroom. A place Humin had frequented quite often, almost daily when they were younger, had seen everything and had sat everywhere. When they were younger, they would often sleep in one bed together so innocently, not knowing how everything would change so fast- how much would change when they with each year they got older.
Switching on the bedside lamp, his eyes immediately drifted through the room.
Everything was the same as it was when he left for school. A worn sweater still hung neatly over the chair, his bed hastily made with a pillow right next to it on the ground, the blinds only halfway pulled open- there wasn't much light to let in anyway- and on the closet there hung a bunch of empty clothing hangers he'd yet to put away. Books for school had piled themselves up on the shelf and in a corner of the room, tossed away on the ground, lay his jacket and their bags now
Perhaps the room captured how they felt perfectly.
“Gogo…”
The nickname caught him off guard. It wasn't like he never called him like this, he would always when they were alone, like it was a precious secret between the two, but this time it sounded just a little different. So soft, desperate and broken, he had a hard time to turn and face him.
“Yes?” When he did turn around, Humin stood there brushing tears off while more and more kept flowing.
“I’m really sorry. For what I let happen to you. For crying over the person who did this to you. You're in pain, I can see it…”
Hyuntak could see the hurt in his eyes, the guilt. How he was still not over it. Even when he had told him so many times he never blamed him, could never.
“I just,” He sniffled, gaze flickering down to his knees then up again. “I really loved seeing you do Taekwondo. It suited you so well… You always looked so happy. Now-”
It was meant well, he knew it was. But he really couldn't hear it anymore. It was over and done, something he didn't want to be reminded of every single second of his life.
“I told you,” pulling himself free he held Humin’s hand instead now, sitting him down on the bed. “It's not your fault. You know I’ve never blamed you once.” Cupping his face, he lifted it up, thumbs rubbing circles under his eyes. “Would be really stupid for me to blame you.”
Strands of hair covered his forehead which he brushed away, fingers pausing there.
“You're still my best friend.”
Hyuntak smiled, trying to cheer him up somehow. Seeing how it didn't really work as Humin still looked at him with those big tearful eyes, with something hidden beneath them, like he wanted to say something but was still trying to find the proper words for.
“We should go to bed.” Dropping his hands, Hyuntak unzipped his jacket, helping him out of it. Next came the tie which he slipped his fingers under, loosening it, taking it off. He could see his own hands trembling- if Humin would ask what was going on, he would come up with a dumb lie, like saying he was still shaken and a little cold. Lying to himself as well, that this got nothing to do with how he felt.
That he wasn't nervous and conflicted about his own feelings when he began to unbutton his shirt, grazing his skin like he hadn't done it numerous times before.
It was kind of strange, how they were here letting it happen. Like he was a mother caring for her sick son. Like he was a wife taking care of her husband.
As if they were a couple or something.
A deep sharp inhale.
“I never told you how much I like seeing you in our school uniform. Blue suits you well.“
Hyuntak stopped in his movements, coming to a halt at his chest. He blinked, huffing nervously before pulling and stepping away. It hurt, especially now.
“Why would you even tell me that?” Even in the dim light the room was drowned in he was barely able to look at Humin, who just sat there innocently, saying all these things not knowing what they did to him, with those tears still running down his cheeks. So he turned away, finding a distraction with his closet where he kept Humin’s spare clothes
Why would he say this? Now? And what was with the sudden shift in the mood?
With his clothes in his hands he turned back around, avoiding all eye contact.
“Why not?” Whispered words interrupted the silence that had stretched between them for a moment and then he felt a hand around his tie, pulling him down. He stumbled, dropping the clothes and found support by gripping Humin’s shoulders tight, leaving him in confusion with thoughts racing, about to spill out asking what had gotten into him- when he felt lips pressed against his. It took him a moment to realize what was happening and when he did it felt soft and gentle. Turning needy pretty fast when there was a hand around the nape of his neck now, holding him tight. A gesture he was all too familiar with, one which he had always loved, but felt so different this very moment.
The kiss tasted of tears. But he didn't mind. He just let it happen. Everything he might’ve always wanted, ever since those days in the hospital when Humin had taken care of him.
Hyuntak liked it- no, god he loved it. Yet it felt so wrong, Today, tonight, feeling that hand glide through his hair, then both grabbing his neck again. A shiver ran down his spine and he flinched when he was being pulled on top of Humin’s lap. He gasped into the kiss as their bodies collided.
It was then when he forgot everything around then for a moment, eyes closed- feeling his best friend in a way he never had before, breathing him in and tasting him. Letting go of his shoulders, his hands found their way through his tangled hair down his face brushing down his temples. In the dimness of the room he hadn't seen it but he felt it now- Humin was crying again, silent tears. And suddenly he remembered again, why they were here. And even if it wasn't his fault, it was none of their fault, he felt bad. For letting it happen, for not pulling away and taking advantage of this situation because he had always wanted it so badly. So Hyuntak pulled away, leaving Humin gasping in confusion, hands still around his neck.
He swallowed, still felt him against his lips.
“I don't think we should be doing this right now”
“Why not?”
If it wasn't for their current situation, he would've pushed him away, brushed it off with some stupid joke. Now he couldn't even do that.
“Because you're crying.”
It looked like he'd only realized it at that moment.
“I can't help it. You didn't like it? The kiss?”
Hyuntak blinked, hesitated. Of course he did. And he didn't mind more. But they had just returned from a childhood friend's funeral, had seen Humin on the ground crying. They should talk about all of this first, shouldn't they? What had happened at the hall, right now.
“We should talk about it in the morning. You're confused.”
In any other situation he'd lightheartedly joke about it. When they would both be much happier and death wouldn't linger around them like a ghost and his heart wouldn't race so fast and his mind wouldn't be swarmed with a thousand of thoughts making him feel guilty. And when he wouldn't feel like crying as he watched Humin contemplate his words, brows furrowed, biting his lips.
“Do you think a morning will change how I feel?”
It felt weird hearing him talk all serious like that. No jabs thrown at each other, no jokes, no playful banter. Perhaps for the first time he didn't know what to say, was left speechless as the words echoed in his head, repeating themselves.
“What did you just say?”
“My feelings. It's- I-” He watched him fumble with his words, trying to find the right ones. Silence stretched between them, letting him listen to the rain hammering against the window now.
“I feel guilty for what happened but-” Humin sniffled, brushing off the tears. “When I saw Sieun and Suho, maybe it helped me understand some things as well.” Fidgeting with his sleeves, he looked up at him. Eyes helpless and lost.
“And hearing others call us boyfriends jokingly. I really like this.”
Hyuntak stopped breathing for a second, the beating of his heart so loud and heavy he thought his friend could hear it, thought he would choke on it any second.
Boyfriends.
They shared clothes, wore matching colors- it had started by accident and then just kept going. They slept next to each other in one bed without protesting, even now at their age, showered together. Had seen each other at their lowest points in life, would go to the end of the world for each other.
“Do you realize what you're saying?” His voice betrayed him, broke. “This isn't funny, as you can see. I’m not laughing.”
But instead of getting an answer, Humin just kept silent. Maybe by how he dropped his gaze and reached out to hold his hands, playing with his fingers in such a shy way he'd never seen him behave before Hyuntak understood. Was it serious to him?
Suddenly he felt way too aware of everything. The lap he still sat on, the hands holding his, the breath grazing his neck, the silence around them which reminded him how alone they were- that it was just them and no one else. The heat that had crept up his neck and by now reached his ears when he caught Humin staring at his lips, biting down on his own, swallowing hard.
“Can I kiss you again? Please? You don't have to feel the same back.”
Hyuntak could barely stand hearing him practically beg for it, probably was still confused, overwhelmed and exhausted with everything to the point he didn't even notice any of it. Wouldn't remember it in the morning. Maybe- maybe he misunderstood?
Would it be wrong to just let it happen if he wouldn't say a single word, about how he had always felt? Because maybe Humin only liked the idea and feeling of it, of just having someone besides him… not a boyfriend… especially not him.
“Hmh” was the only thing he could bring out, heart racing in his throat, before he was being pulled down again- his best friend's hands now under the jacket of his school uniform holding onto his waist for a moment before wandering upwards. Hyuntak liked feeling his nails dig into his back, probably leaving faint marks there.
Their lips met a second time.
A lot more desperate and wanting.
He wished he could say he hated it- but god, he liked it. How clumsily Humin bit his lips, chased his tongue while gasping into the kiss.
Closing his eyes, he heard the shuffling of clothes as Humin shrugged their blazers off, dropping to the ground, giving him a moment to pull away and catch his breath but his best friend had become so addicted he pulled him right back in- pushing him into bed, the back of his head hitting a soft pillow. They're both so helpless, no idea what they're even doing. But it was alright because feeling him there between his legs, lips traveling down his neck now, covering him in soft kisses, was everything he wanted.
Only when Hyuntak felt his hand on his leg, drawing invisible lines, did he tense up. It had been a while since anyone else had touched him there. Especially gentle like this. He reached out, hesitated, then dropped his hand again when he felt the touch wander upwards, stopping at the inside of his thigh, making him feel all sorts of things. Each of which he'd never felt before. None of them safe to speak out.
He couldn't lie though- doing and feeling all this, hearing himself breath out so desperately, flinching under every single touch with the heat drowning out every single thought in front of the very same person he called his best friend, in the room they considered as their safe space, felt embarrassing. Maybe because those were sounds he’d never thought would come out of his mouth the more kisses began to cover his neck- before it stopped, abruptly? Leaving an empty cold spot there. When he opened his eyes in confusion, he saw Humin sitting up, hair hanging messy in his face. The light of the bedside table illuminating the room allowed him to catch a glimpse of the faint flush on his face.
“Can I touch it?” He asked, not elaborating further but Hyuntak didn't need him to anyway, knowing exactly what the question meant.
“You already did.”
“I mean… “ It was the first time he smiled sincerely, after hours when he watched Humin struggle with his words, hand still grabbing his pants leg tight. “I know. You can. But don't look at me when you do it.” He could barely even look at him now already, when they hadn't even done much to begin with. Humin seemed uncertain now, having heard those words, pulling his hand away. Hyuntak almost cussed out when the comfortable feeling was gone.
Had he always been so damn touch starved?
“Baku, it's alright. Just-” He did even know how to tell him that those casual touches, those casual glances had long stopped being enough for him. That he had, for such a long time, always longed for more but never said a single word knowing how Humin would have reacted. Hyuntak knew he would've looked away, pretended he never stared, scolded him again how he should take better care of knee. That's why he never brought up that he was ok with all those touches and more.
All he wanted was to say he needed him there, his hands around his legs, holding as tight as he wanted until there weren't those scars anymore but fingerprints left of his best friend.
“Do it.”
When Humin still didn't do anything, Hyuntak pulled him into another kiss by his collar, catching him in surprise. It was better than the other two. Perhaps because of how desperate they held onto each other, how Humin’s fingers slipped under his tie, taking it off and then under the buttons of his dress shirt, unbuttoning it a little clumsily. Or how he shoved him against the headboard of the bed, pressing himself between his legs- making him swallow down another one of those embarrassing noises- and finally let his hand slip under the hem of his pants, sliding the fabric up.
Humin broke the kiss, just him staring into his eyes, biting down on his lips, fingers traveling upwards his leg.
“I told you not to look at me when you do this.” Hyuntak’s voice was shaking, nervous and he pressed his eyes shut. Could only feel Humin move on top of him and mumble.
“I’m sorry.” Then he felt something brush against his exposed leg. Soft warm breathing that almost made him lose his mind. He only opened his eyes to see as much- his best friend there at his most sensitive spot, looking at it so intensely.
It felt so awkward, especially right now, he was so close to tell him off, to just brush off what happened the past minutes as his words got stuck in his throat, replaced by a desperate sound that almost sounded like a whimper, when he felt Humim’s lips there.
So fucking god.
He leaned back and let it out. Eyes fluttering shut again, covering his mouth with a shaking hand.
It felt way better than he'd thought, it felt amazing and addicting, it almost made him say he needed more, more, more .
“You better dont stop.” That's what he said instead, breathing in deep, reaching out to let his fingers find their way through Humin’s hair, gripping into it. Because he really didn't want him to stop. No matter how awkward the next morning would be.
Another kiss, another hushed gasp. He was somewhere close to the scar now, lips grazing and meeting. It didn't hurt. Quite the opposite. He had tears in his eyes. That's how good it felt.
A kiss settled there and he was gone .
Thoughts turned into a mess and those weird sounds filled the space around them.
So embarrassing.
Knowing his best friend heard all that, was the reason for it.
Never in his life had he ever felt this good and embarrassed at the same time. Honestly, for a moment he wanted to scream and wait for the world to swallow him whole- but everything only got hotter and he could feel things starting to cross lines he never hoped would happen.
All because of those kisses on his stupid ruined knee.
He gripped tighter into his hair, pulled at it. And then fucking moaned loud and clearly.
And Humin stopped, looked up, blinked, swallowed.
“Is everything alright?”
Hyuntak almost laughed at that incredibly stupid sounding question, wouldn't he be turned on by everything. By Humin’s messy hair, how the light of bedside lamp reflected in his eyes and illuminated his skin, making him wish he could see more of and-
He pressed his eyes shut at these thoughts for a second. “Are you ok?” he repeated.
Fuck no he wasnt.
“I am clearly not…” Hiding his face behind shaking hands he wished the earth would swallow him a second time.
“Does it not hurt?”
“No… it-” There wasn't even a moment left for him to collect his thoughts to gather a proper answer when fingers traveled upwards his leg, making him shudder. And he gasped out once more.
So desperate. Craving.
Something, rather someone, shifted above him shifted, pressed himself tighter between his legs. Hyuntak could only do as much as biting down on his lips. He was sure they were bloody at this point.
“Why are you hiding? Let me see your face…” It almost sounded like pleading, begging. There was no way he'd let him see him like that. How would they even be able to look at each other the next morning?
“Gogo… “ He had the nerve to call him that now, out of all moments, so damn innocently, breath grazing the side of his ear which he was sure was glowing bright red, as Humin pressed against him once more- the soft pillow moving under him. The pillow he now grabbed onto exposing everything he tried to hide- his face, flushed cheeks and nose, teary eyes. And Humin saw it all. Took it all in as if he was studying every part of it, every single detail.
“So pretty.” A whisper of words caught him off guard, making everything so much worse.
Why would he call him pretty? The nerves he had.
“Stop.”
“But you are. Even now.”
Did he even have a damn clue what those words did to him? There was a hand on his chest now, traveling downwards and disappearing under his shirt, pushing it up exposing glowing hot skin. Hyuntak could barely hold in another moan when Humin brushed over his hips, holding him tight there. Yeah they had touched each other on many occasions but this… this was so different.
“Pretty like a girlfriend but I would rather have you as my boyfriend.”
The world stopped spinning and there was his heart again- stuck in his throat.
“What?”
“I need you. Not just tonight…” There was a kiss on his neck now. Hot and needy. Hyuntak breathed out, could see how Humin was watching him from the corner of his eyes, losing himself more and more. “I’m sorry.” He breathed against his collar bone, another kiss placed there.
“Stop saying sorry… “
Reaching out, he unbuttoned the remaining ones of Humin’s dress shirt, fumbling around as the words slowly settled in and what he had said earlier, too. Maybe he wasn't just stupidly hopeful and everything just wishful thinking- maybe Humin meant everything he said and he wasn't all clueless and stupid, taking these things too casually. But he couldn't even say a single word right now, couldn't answer him because that guy was right on top of him, holding him by his hip, fingers dangerously close to slipping under the waistband of his pants, making him about to go crazy, making his voice tremble and sucking every single thought out of his brain.
He really wanted it. Feeling him everywhere on his body until he was left a burning exhausted mess.
“Okay I will.” He simply said then, shifting his position slightly, sending a new rush of sensation through his body. All while Humin watched him, gasping out for the first time as well- the sound echoing in his ears. And he pushed again, bringing him closer to the edge he was nearing.
Just a few hours ago they're both crying like crazy at the funeral, hit by the realization that sometimes life was too short and right when you're trying to make amends death could claim you.
But now he was here, undressing his best friend in a way he'd never done in all those years they knew each other, whose fingers were searching every part of his body, traveling up his leg more as much as his pants allowed.
Not even 4 hours ago would he have ever thought they'd end up like this.
Tangled messes.
Humin had always thought of him as pretty. The type of pretty one would probably call a girl. Sure, Hyuntak was a guy, that was pretty obvious to everyone- even himself- but there was also the caretaker side in him, one would likely find more in women. He would let him stay over, tuck him into bed, dry his tears when he was crying again, would teach him how to cook something properly and show him how to do laundry. When Humin would be sick, Hyuntak was the first to skip school and let him rest at his place, feeding him all the medicine needed. Around him, he felt safe. Around him he wasn't afraid to be himself. He never judged. Hyuntak was, perhaps, prettier than any girl he'd ever seen. His smile was so addicting- his laugh too, he liked being teased by him for being stupid and clueless, loved his presence around him. He always thought of him as pretty but perhaps it needed just one single night at the basketball court for him to realize he always meant it in a way reserved for girlfriends. It was a quiet evening, around half a year after the incident, the sun was just about to settle below the horizon when he understood. When Hyuntak looked at him with a smile brighter than ever, one he didn't even deserve, like the sun and said it would be alright eventually.
It had almost slipped out back then as well because he was always so in tune with his emotions around him. Because he was the person he needed in his life even after everything, even when he was afraid to hurt him again and again, countless more times. Humin couldn't let go of the one person who had seen him at his worst, beaten up and covered in blood, cuts and bruises. That person who would forever make his heart ache because he took his future away from him.
He would kill for him and die for his best friend.