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The Cupids were exhausted. They had reunited everyone—from Seb and Mark to Galex (finally).
But one duo stood tall in their list of “WTF is this dynamic?”:
Fernando Alonso and Lance Stroll.
aka. The Man Who Will Race Till He’s 80 and The Canadian Rich Kid Who Yeets Cars for Sport.
Aka The Rookie and the Spoiled Brat
SCENE 1: “The Legend and the Brat”
Fernando Alonso, two-time world champion, eternal rookie, known for driving like the laws of physics personally offended him, is sitting in the Aston Martin motorhome sipping coffee from a diamond-encrusted mug.
Esteban stares.
“Where did he get that?”
Pierre, deadpan:
“Lance bought it. Said it matched Fernando’s eyes.”
Esteban: “His eyes are brown??”
Pierre: “Exactly.”
……………………..
SCENE 2: Lance the Sugar Daddy
Everyone in the paddock is slightly disturbed by how casually Lance throws money at Fernando.
- A private jet flight just for Fernando because he “doesn’t like the snacks on the team plane.”
- A Rolex engraved with "My Legend 🐐❤️"
- Fernando mentioned once that he liked a chair. The next day a $15k massage recliner showed up in his hotel room.
Fernando shrugs.
“I don’t ask. I just receive.”
……………………….
SCENE 3: The Grid Reacts (PowerPoint time)
The Cupids (Kimi, Ollie, Isack, and chaotic guest star Yuki) present:
🎤 The Alonso x Stroll Situation – Is This Love or Tax Fraud?
Slide 1:
- Picture of Lance grinning while Fernando wears limited-edition sunglasses.
- Caption: “Daddy’s Money? No. Daddy IS the money.”
Slide 2:
- Receipts of outrageous gifts: a solid gold helmet stand, a pet falcon
Slide 3:
- George: “They’re not in love. Lance just likes spoiling him.”
- Alex: “He brought Fernando coffee. From Spain. Flown in. Hot.”
- George: “...okay maybe a little love.”
……………….
SCENE: Sugar Daddy? No. Stroll Daddy.
Lance, sitting cross-legged in Aston Martin hospitality, handing Fernando a velvet box:
“Here. Custom cufflinks. Shaped like your first ever championship trophy.”
Fernando, without blinking:
“You remembered the exact mold?”
Lance, modestly:
“I had it 3D scanned. NBD.”
Meanwhile, Pierre (hopeful):
“Hey Lance, can I borrow your jet for the weekend? I wanna take Esteban to Santorini.”
Lance doesn’t even look up.
“No.”
Pierre, blinking:
“But–you just flew Fernando’s paella in from Spain?”
Lance: “Yeah. That was for a friend.”
Pierre: “...I thought I was your friend too?”
Lance:
“You thought wrong.”
……………
SCENE: Selective Generosity
Yuki:
“Hey Lance can I have a ride in your McLaren Elva?”
Lance, immediately:
“No.”
Yuki, scowling:
“But you let Fernando–”
Lance, interrupting:
“He looks better in it.”
……………
SCENE: The Whole Grid Is Onto Him
Max, deeply amused:
“Mate, be honest. You’re in love.”
Lance, buttoning a $900 cardigan:
“I just like to treat my friends.”
George:
“Right, and if I ask you to buy me a coffee?”
Lance, deadpan:
“You have legs.”
…………..
SCENE: Group Chat Chaos
Group Chat: “Stroll’s Tax fraud investigation 🤴💸 ”
Carlos:
“Just asked Lance for a gum. He said ‘go buy your own mouth.’”
Lewis:
“He just flew Fernando’s favorite olives from a farm in a monastery in Spain.”
…………
Meanwhile Fernando...
Fernando, arms full of expensive gifts, sipping on imported tea from a crystal cup:
“I don’t know what you’re talking about. Lance is very generous.”
……………
OH YES. The grid has had enough. They can deal with Christian’s oversharing. They can survive the trauma of Galex’s oblivious love story. But this? Lance calling it “friendly spoiling” while buying Fernando a damn vineyard in Valencia?
Unacceptable.
The grid decides to stage Fernando going on a date with someone else. Just to make Lance snap.
Alex volunteers:
“I’ll do it. I’ll flirt with Fernando.”
George:
“You will not. You have a boyfriend.”
Alex: “It’s for the mission.”
When Lance sees Fernando laughing over coffee with Alex (while George is doing spy-work from the next table), his smile freezes.
Lance (to himself):
“He doesn’t even drink oat milk, what the hell is this–”
Five minutes later, Fernando’s phone buzzes.
LANCE: Did he touch you. Did he order for you. Is he paying? He doesn’t even know your favorite kind . Come back to me or I’m calling the chef and canceling soup night forever.
…………………………
“It’s for Media Day!”
The PR team, with the help of very sneaky cupids, convinces Lance and Fernando to take a "Best Friend Compatibility Quiz" for content.
Q: “If Fernando were a dessert, what would he be?”
Lance: “Something rich and layered with depth… like tiramisu. The kind you crave but only deserve on your best day.”
Fernando, staring at him:
“...Are you describing my soul or my hypothetical dessert self?”
Q: “If Lance was in danger, what would you do?”
Fernando, without hesitation:
“Kill for him.”
Everyone watching the footage live: 😵
Oscar: “This is literally confessions of love in disguise.”
………………..
The grid gets a very flirty rookie reserve driver (aka Gabe cuz he’s brave) to jokingly confess to Fernando in front of Lance.
Ollie: “I’ve always admired your racecraft, Fernando. And...well, your hands.”
Lance: (immediately steps between them)
“That’s my– I mean, my FRIEND. MY VERY CLOSE FRIEND. Who is NOT available. To you or anyone. Ever.”
Fernando (smirking):
“...Thanks for the clarification.”
…………………..
The grid had tried everything.
They’d staged fake flirty scenarios with other drivers. They’d made Fernando walk around looking effortlessly hot in tight black shirts and fake reading glasses. They’d even made Pierre try to flirt with Fernando once, which Esteban shut down in five seconds flat.
Still, Lance remained in peak denial.
“What? I bought him a custom carbon fiber espresso machine with his name engraved on it. It’s a normal friend thing. You all need therapy.”
Cue the final straw—Fernando’s mom arrives at the paddock for a casual visit.
………….
🚗 Enter: Mama Alonso, Small but Mighty
She steps into the Aston Martin motorhome in full abuela fashion…oversized sunglasses, bright lipstick, and a bag full of Tupperware containers no one can identify.
Everyone watches nervously. Fernando stands tall, arms crossed, pretending he isn’t bracing for her interrogation.
She sits down next to Lance, pats his hand affectionately, and says in a rich, accented voice:
"Mi amor... how long have you been dating my son?"
The entire room stops breathing.
Lance: "Wait—what—me? Dating Fernando? No, no, no... he's just my teammate. My best friend. I just... buy him things sometimes. That’s all."
Mama Alonso, completely unfazed, opens a container of homemade empanadas, hands him one, and smiles like she knows everything.
"Mmm. I see. So you are feeding him, driving him around, buying him expensive gifts, defending his honor in press conferences, and watching his interviews with little stars in your eyes. Yes, yes. Very friendship."
She turns to Fernando, who is half-hiding behind a giant Aston Martin umbrella.
"And you—why haven’t you kissed him yet?"
Fernando mutters something in Spanish about timing and feelings and strategy.
Lance, mid-bite of empanada: "What do you mean 'kiss'?! Wait—you want me to?!"
Mama Alonso leans back, sips her café con leche, and simply says:
"I just want to see my son happy. And maybe a wedding. Maybe in Spain. Maybe next summer. Maybe I already booked a church—just in case."
The grid collectively explodes.
………………..
Lance immediately starts spiraling (“She wants a wedding?? Does he want a wedding?? Do I want a wedding—WAIT MAYBE I DO???”).
Fernando awkwardly offers to “go for a walk” with Lance to “talk about things,”
Mama Alonso leaves, absolutely satisfied, and says,
"If the rest of you need help with your love lives, I am available Thursdays and Sundays after Mass."
………..
Lance and Fernando sit under the stars on a quiet post-race night, sipping wine.
Lance:
“You know... I don’t spoil my other friends. Like this.”
Fernando (softly):
“I know. I’ve just been waiting for you to realise that.”
AND THEY KISS. FINALLY. The paddock screams.
Yuki: “About damn time.”
Christian: starts sobbing in Toto’s arms again
Max: “Someone please sedate Christian.”
Galex: cuddling proudly in matching PJs.
Esteban: holding Pierre protectively as he tries to flirt with the hotel bartender again.
...........
Author’s Note
Listen. We all need a sugar daddy like Lance Stroll.
He’s rich. He’s petty. He buys gifts like it’s a competitive sport and says things like “I just spoil my friends” while handing Fernando a Rolex the price of a small island. This fic was sponsored by delusion and the dangerous idea that maybe, just maybe, love is when someone gifts you a limited-edition Aston Martin car and calls it platonic.
But I heard the whispers in the paddock…
“Where’s the old-school couple?”
“Where’s the burn of unresolved tension, the vintage rivalry-turned-longing?”
“Where’s Jenson bloody Button?”
So I said: fine. You want Alonso in love? with Jenson Button?
Let’s open the vault. FANFIC FIASCO : Fernando x Jenson incoming
Let’s serve it too
Let’s stir some retired-racing legend sexual tension soup with a touch of accidental fanfic leakage and a heaping spoonful of abs-induced yearning.
You're welcome.
This is Fanfic Fiasco, and no one is safe.
🏁💕
Love,
Your emotionally unhinged author with great taste in romance and excellent taste in F1 gossip.
P.S. If you see rookies walking around with a clipboard labeled “Operation: Make Old Men Kiss,” mind your business. They are doing god’s work.