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It was really starting to get to him.
The blood. The dead bodies. The ruthless crime.
Really. All this crap was starting to get to him. Then again, maybe it had already breached the walls he'd so dutifully set up. Maybe it had already overtaken his brain and begun coursing through his veins.
Just maybe.
Because that would explain the way he was feeling. The way he couldn't help but feel like the world was crushing him, compressing his heart until it slowly gave out and he was just another rundown guy in the game of life.
Then again, this was his job. He had no right to feel like this. After all, he's the one who signed himself up for this, he was the only one to blame.
Jay Halstead, the guy who turned his life into a downward spiral.
That was a fun thought.
Not.
He had made plans with Antonio, Adam, and Kevin; they were coming over tonight for beers and the big game, but he had half a mind to cancel. He couldn't bear the thought of dragging anyone down into whatever kind of hell hole he had created for himself. The place where his dreams haunted him at night and the world haunted him during the day.
It was a little too much for him at the moment, but Jay wasn't about to start whining and making a big deal about it because that's not who he was. He just sucked it up and moved on because hell, he wasn't allowed to feel like this.
He shouldn't have these problems.
The rest of the team was fine, they were nice, normally functioning humans who knew how to deal with whatever shit happened during their usual day to day crime solving.
Jay had no right whatsoever to be not okay.
If anyone should be not okay, it should be the helpless victims that Chicago criminals had no trouble creating everyday.
Jay didn't matter, at least that's the way he figured it. His problems didn't matter; they shouldn't. He shouldn't have problems because he was just a pathetic excuse of a human and he wasn't worth anyone's time anyway. The images that vividly burned through his mind shouldn't impact him the way they did; he shouldn't be crying himself to sleep at night because he was supposed to be a mature adult. He had zero right to hate himself for the number of people he's had to kill; or the number of people he was so close to saving, but just couldn't.
Jay Halstead. This was his legacy, he was a pathetic wimp and a disappointment to everyone in his vicinity.
A text alert from his phone shook Jay from his thoughts, and with a tired sigh, he opened up the message.
It was from Atwater, saying he and Ruzek wouldn't be able to make it to Jay's tonight as they had gotten roped into some kind of favour for Platt.
That wasn't entirely bad news, albeit now he'd have a lamer party, but that would mean he'd be less mentally dilapidated by the end of the night. Not to say that having the gang over was a chore or anything less than a good time, but lately, he'd just been so incredibly tired and he hadn't had the energy to do much.
Jay texted Antonio to let him know it was just going to be the two of them for the game as the others had bailed, and he wouldn't blame him if he had better plans. But Antonio quickly replied, saying he'd like to go if the party was still on, commenting about the fact there would be more beer for him this way.
Jay put his phone in his pocket and started his car. As he pulled out of the station parking lot to head home, he tried to hype himself up to have an exciting evening, but he just didn't know if he could manage.
Once he reached his apartment, Jay couldn't hold himself together any longer. He broke.
He had tried to stay strong, but he couldn't do it anymore. The tears started flowing and he couldn't help the sobs that accompanied them.
Jay was disappointed with himself.
If he couldn't even keep it together, what could he do? He was worthless.
The thoughts of self doubt kept flooding through his mind and it made him cry even harder.
He had to lean against the wall to steady himself, but then he could even find it in himself to stand up anymore, so, with his back against the wall, he slid down to the cool hardwood floor.
Jay pulled his knees up to his chest, his emotions not drying in the slightest.
He didn't know how long he sat there on the floor, but it seemed like forever. At some point between the moment he had sat down and now, he'd stopped crying, but his emotions were draining him and he seemed to be in a daze. His ears heard a knock on the door, but his brain was too spaced out to notice.
Jay seriously didn't hear Antonio calling his name multiple times from the other side of the door that separated them. Or the way his tone became more and more worried. He really didn't notice.
Which is why, when the door suddenly busted open, Jay was rather scared shitless.
He seen Antonio look around frantically, until his eyes finally landed on him. Their gazes locked for a few moments, and Jay notice a weird combination of relief and worry on Antonio's face.
He walked over to Jay slowly, and seemed slightly conflicted as to what he should do.
He noticed Jay's red eyes and he could see a couple trails of tears running down his face that weren't completely dry yet.
Antonio sat down next to the man, and just as he did, Jay relapsed and began tearing up again. Jay covered his face with his hands as his body wracked itself with more sobs.
He tried to stop. Oh, did he try. Crying in front of people was not something he was particularly fond of.
Jay stood up, and started breathing heavily. He'd held all this in for too long; it had suddenly become too much and he couldn't handle it any longer. He turned around and punched the wall with all his might. He began repeating, "I am not okay, not okay." Under his breath as he continued to punch the wall. There were big holes forming in the drywall, but Jay didn't stop. Antonio decided to just let Jay get it out of his system, but when the white wall started getting splattered with red. Antonio grabbed Jay's arm while it was midway another swing.
"Let go!" Jay yelled, as he struggled to release himself from the grip Antonio had on him. Antonio didn't say anything. He just pulled Jay to him, wrapping his strong arms around his body. Jay fought it at first. "No! .. Let. Me go!" He cried angrily.
But Antonio's embrace never ceased.
And when Jay broke down into even more sobs, Antonio just held him tighter.
"I'm sorry. So sorr-" Jay choked out as he struggled to stop the tears. "I'm supposed to be okay. I'm letting everyone down. I'm sor- sorry."
Antonio was confused. "Who are you letting down?"
"Ev-everyone. Y-you and the team, and everyone." Jay stuttered, each word filled with raw emotion. "Sorry. I'm s-"
"Stop." Antonio whispered against Jay's neck. Antonio couldn't help but wonder what had given him the idea that he was letting anyone down.
He was crucial to the team, he was important. It wouldn't be the intelligence unit without him.
"It's not okay for me to be not okay, and I- I'm really t-trying to be okay but-" Jay buried his head in Antonio's shoulder.
"Shh. I said stop, Jay." Antonio said softly, "Just stop."
Jay started to slowly quiet down, taking deep breaths and holding onto Antonio.
"You're allowed to be not okay, Jay." Antonio stated.
"I'm not. I can't-"
"Really, it's alright. It's human to feel like that from time to time."
After a while of silence, Jay spoke up softly. "I'm sorry." He whispered.
"Hey, no. Don't be," Antonio replied just as quietly.
They stood there together quietly for a little longer before Antonio pulled away. "Let's get that hand fixed up now." He said, gingerly picking up the bloodied hand that hung limply by Jay's side.
Antonio had Jay sit on the kitchen counter and then proceeded to gently clean and bandage his hand.
Jay watched curiously as he did so; what had he done to deserve having this wonderful man in his life?
As Antonio finished, he carefully kissed the swollen knuckles of Jay's fist. Another tear rolled down Jay's face, only, it was a happy tear this time. So, Antonio kissed that too.
Antonio then paused for a moment and looked into Jay's eyes, before closing his eyes and gently kissing his lips. Jay kissed back. It was all very slow and they took their time, and it was perfect.
They didn't end up watching the game, heck, they didn't even turn the tv on.
For the first time in months, Jay's mind wasn't hurting and Antonio planned to keep it that way.