Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Harvey Dent is an allowed member of the rogue’s gallery who can phone in, Harv however is banned, this is one of the many reasons that this is the case.

Gotham’s sky is growling and crackling, rain coming down in sheets sending everyone scarpering for shelter. Even the rogues have decided that tonight, it is all too much and they have better things to do then attempt to drown on land.
The Riddler leans forward and tries not to drip, cloths soaked through even beyond his coat as he flicks the on switch and leans back in his chair, this cannot be delayed any further.

Edward Nygma: I would say good evening my dear listeners, but it really isn’t tonight, is it? Weather not even befitting our dreadful city, not that we’d ever change her for the world, isn’t that right?
(An audible creaking of a chair not keen on its owner’s abuse)
Anyway, I fear that I have no guests tonight – we know tonight was a little on the fence if it would even happen, but I am nowhere near stupid enough to continue facing that rain. While I would say likewise about many of my criminal companions, well even they have decided it is best to shelter in tonight. Part of me would wonder if people were even listening, but it’s not like any of you have anything better to do then listening to me, that include you listener, you don’t need to phone her back and ask if she wants to come over. I’m sure that I am far more entertaining for your mind, and your other things if you want while you listen.

One of the lights on the Riddler’s desk lights up, curiouser and curiouser, it’s true he didn’t suspect one of his friends to be free tonight but it seems they’re going to for once, prove him wrong. So of course, he presses the button.

Edward Nygma: We have someone on the line, you’re audible to all who have the smarts to listen in to me. So, what wisdom do you bring to our tragic night?

The other end of the line cracks and pops, clearly not the best and Nygma can be heard sighing, even if he’s tried not to aim it into the microphone.

Scarecrow: You can call it tragic, boy, when you’re sat in a hideout that has more leaks than you expected because some other certain rogues I will not be naming right now, are lying cheapskates.

Edward Nygma: That is the downfall of not being all that well liked, Scarecrow, but it’s fine, we like you here. Especially when you’re on the other end of the phone and thus I am more then safe from your Fear Toxin, it would be more then even a paid stream for you all to hear me recite my darkest fears to Gotham’s own Bogeyman. Though, the fact you’re oh so soggy right now, does that mean our fellow Gothamites should maybe avoid the streets for a little longer in case the closest puddle will cause them a less then fitful sleep.

Scarecrow: Our Toxin is better stored then that, more me who’s having to deal with being wet. Not that it seems like something you’d have to deal with *A deep chuckle* doubt even Gotham herself would risk dealing with your ire about your looks being ruined.

Edward Nygma: *A rather dramatic and clearly faked gasp* Oh you are so cruel to me, I invite you on my show and look what you do. Unfortunately, while you respect that I am oh so special and above the rest of you, Gotham herself does not agree and I am not waterproof. What I am however, is now drying out, unlike you from the seems of things Scarecrow. Does this mean you are finally enjoying your yearly bath? They won’t even need the Bats to track you down, the cops can just follow the scent trail of wet burlap and hay; and then hay presto the Scarecrow is finally unmasked. Look, I even used a pathetic little pun for you, aren’t you entertained?

From the crackling line there’s the sound of another far creakier chair and then a loud banging, like you’d hear from a head slamming dramatically into a table.

Scarecrow: I do not know why we are friends with you.

Edward Nygma: Because I am gorgeous and entertaining?

Scarecrow: Well, it’s certainly because you’re something.

Edward Nygma: Right, well if you’re not going to be polite, you can go back to suffering through this downpour alone, if you really want my company you can listen in like anyone else.

Scarecrow: *An offended noise simply escapes from the man’s throat, more like a growl then anything else* No, fine, I’ll behave. I know your listeners always prefer it when you have company and when they have nothing else to distract them other then the rain, well I am glad to please.

Edward Nygma: That’s good, you’re on your warning though Scarecrow, I can and will willingly toss you out.
(Voice now dropping to an almost hissed whisper) And I mean that Scarecrow, you may be fun for me at times but this is my show, you’re not here to scare anyone anymore then your presents alone simply does.
(Raising back to his usual, chipper self) Anyway, dearest Gotham, this weather sure is bringing all of the rats out of their hides, you weren’t even sure if you’d get to hear my stunning thoughts and now I can also provide you with Scarecrow’s slightly less stunning ones. Help get your minds off of the far less plans you’ve had to cancel, doubt any of you had anything better to do. Though this does remind me, Harley, darling, if you’re listening, please do not continue what was meant to be our nights plans without me. Not only would it be heartbreakingly rude, but they’re not all in place and I’d hate to see your soggy face in the paper tomorrow because some upset and pathetic beat cop got their hands on you.

Edward slowly loses his train of thought, not that he’ll admit that to anyone, as he watches the light on his receiver flash once more. Interesting, not only has he got one unexpected rogue tonight, but another seems to want his attention, he’ll never say more to attention.

Edward Nygma: And it seems we have another rogue on the line, welcome you’re also live with me tonight alongside our spooky Scarecrow. Who is it that’s come to join the intellectual party.

Two-Face [Harv]: Bad enough we had to see your stupid fucking face today,
(The unmistakable ping of a coin being flipped)
but now you’re also all we can hear in our own fucking base! ‘Parently you’re the only good thing to do when it’s pissing it down and we have shipment that needs to be moved.

Two-Face [Harvey]: *Voice soft, only just audible* Are you bothering Edward? You know this isn’t going to end well for you, for us because he doesn’t like you, and you really don’t make yourself likeable to him.

Edward Nygma: Well, I’m not going to say good evening to you Harv, I will say good evening to your henchmen though. I am so sorry your boss is such an ass.

Two-Face [Harv]: Oh, I’m the ass am I? You are nothing but a stuck-up little boy who’s being entertained by people like Scarecrow ‘cause he thinks it’s fun and likes having a younger man fawn over him.

Scarecrow: Oi, I can hear you shithead, and I know where your shipment is tonight, I’m already damp so don’t mind paying you and your boys a visit.

Two-Face [Harv]: Not really defending yourself there, Scarecrow. How much older than him are you?

Edward Nygma: No, Harv you can shut up or I’m turning you off. This is not what the listeners are here for, there are enough filthy gossip magazines for that – and do I need to remind you that you are technically already banned from the show? The only reason that you are not blocked is because I know and quite like Harvey, you really do yourself no favours in regards to gaining fans. And Scarecrow, please, you’re not helping this. I may not know what your ugly mug looks like but I know you’re not all that much older than me, neither of you two are.
(The tapping of inpatient and unimpressed fingers can be just about heard up against the table)
I know listeners, tonight I was meant to be providing you respite from the pain and here I am, being bullied in my own show by some of Gotham’s underground because they know nothing better to do. Even if they have brains deep in there, they really don’t know how to use them.

Two-Face [Harv]: Now you listen here you…

The line cuts dead on that end, a deep growling groan emitting from Edward’s throat, not even sure if he remembered to only sever the one connection rather than both.

Edward Nygma: Well, that is quite enough of him for the night, and probably longer. Though, maybe I’ll steer a little clearer from his rings of Gotham for the next few days until much like the storm, he’s dried out. I must promise you Gotham, we don’t all react like that, and sometimes our ex-DA can even have a rather civilised conversation, wondering if maybe the Bat didn’t call him back and that’s why he’s got a stick up his ass. Anyway, I do hope you’re not drowning in there, Scarecrow.

Scarecrow: *A content, almost melodic humming is simply now fluttering through his line*

Edward Nygma: Scarecrow, are you still there? We appear to be having some form of musical interference from your end, of course it’s not something I have done wrong, I know this set up better then the back of my hand, made it myself.

Scarecrow: Yes, we are fine Edward, though we will be off now. We are already damp enough and we have been given an outlet for this annoyance.

Edward Nygma: Well, that is mighty foreboding, I am going to put a limb out and assume that if any of Two-Face’s men are still listening, you might want to scramble if your boss isn’t going to harm you for it. Though, there goes all of my Company, I wonder if the GCPD’s call in lines are still up or if the likely flooding has already taken over?

Scarecrow’s line cuts dead, leaving Edward alone with just his own thoughts to entertain him and the mases, though the floods have not started yet, so he does have a hotline he can call in and abuse. That always does keep him and the listeners entertained, and should distract him from his own growing rage at Harv’s antics.

Chapter Text

Selina loves to entertain Edward and is more than happy to invite him over to present his show, means she can get to him quicker when he pushes too far.

The quality of this transmission doesn’t quite seem up to par to what the Riddler normally has, occasionally what sounds suspiciously like a meow can be heard in the audio.
Though the Riddler does lean back in an incredibly comfortable chair, the warm afternoon Gotham sun settling on his face and lighting up his hair so it almost looks like it’s on fire.

Edward Nygma: Good afternoon, Gotham. Did you know the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, not changing anything but somehow expecting to get a different outcome? That is why I would call many of my apparently ‘fellow’ Gotham rogues as you all put it, insane none of their other diagnoses matter for this. Like our dear Selina, I know many of you have heard the rumours and history of her and the Bat, she’s insane for it.
One, I’m really not sure what she sees in that man, all dark and brooding and *In a bad faux batman impression* Vengeance.
(Edward breaks up with some chuckling, he really does find himself all too amusing sometimes)
But as I was saying, she’s insane for that. She keeps thinking their cat and mouse game will end differently but it never will because neither of them have changed as a person. I mean, it’s not even like she’s attempted to change, and I wouldn’t want our dear kitty cat to change, but really, if you were going to Selina, darling, get a better taste in men.

Selina Kyle: Wow, I thought you'd at least be polite to me when I’m actually in your presents, did you really come here just to bully me in person?

Edward Nygma: Of course not Cat, I also came to enjoy the company of your feline friends. That doesn’t matter anyway, I’m here because one of my wonderful paid subscribers wanted to hear from you. They don’t even matter, I want to hear from you Selina, I love when I get to spend time with you in person and your dearest kitty cats. If I didn’t know they’d be a menace to my puzzles, I would firmly be fond of getting on myself, so instead I will just enjoy spending time with yours.

Selina Kyle: Yes, and I always want you in smacking distance when you talk to me. The true definition of insanity as you so put it, is that you keep expecting other people to remain friendly with them when you’re always insulting them.

An offended gasp can be heard, as well as a more pointed meow as a cat leaps off of the lap of a man now acting far too dramatic to be enjoyable for pets.

Selina Kyle: Look, even my cats agree with me.

Edward Nygma: Well, you’re the one who invited me over, so I think it’s awfully mean of you to be treating me like this, especially while I’m broadcasting you for all of Gotham to hear. People want to hear from you Selina, someone paid me quite a handsome sum to try and get you to talk to me and I doubt it’s because they wanted to hear you making fun of me.
Now, let me see if there are any questions for you. There were quite a few people interested once I let it slip, I would be able to get my own claws into you and you onto the show.
(The sound of papers rustling together, then shifting slightly as the person moving them shudders.)
Yes, here is one of them. An apparent Rudy asks, ‘oh, if you get to talk to Catwoman on air, I’d love to know who her favourite cat is?’

Selina Kyle: *Light laughing* Oh, I’m not meant to have favourites, they’re like children, you don’t have a special one, but if I am to be honest with you, which I know you prefer, there are two cats here who are very dear to me. I can’t quite call them my favourites, they are all my favourites, but these two do stand out as special to me.
We have Cotton, he’s mostly white but has the most gorgeous two-toned grey spots that spread across his body. He’s very fond of head scritches but doesn’t like when I have to brush his tail, which is all too often because it is far too fluffy and he tangles it far too often to get upset at me for it.
Then we also have my favourite old man Shippo, he’s a slightly needy menace who likes to steal my blankets and bite Ivy’s plants, so she’s not the biggest fan of him. I think Harley has described him as full of bees, I’m not all too sure what that means

Edward Nygma: I am telling them you have favourites, such a bad cat mother. Now there are quite a few questions here I don’t even want to know the answer to and I don’t care if Gotham is curious, they can leave me alone and find out some other way to find out your favourite brand of underwear because that’s just gross.

Selina Kyle: You’re getting onto thin ice, Edward, please move onto a better actual question. If it really didn’t matter all that much you didn’t even need to bring it up, in fact please do not bring it up again or we can see if Riddler’s also land on their feet.

Edward Nygma: Hey, no I wasn’t asking it, you can keep your claws to yourself. I also want to kindly remind you that I didn’t bring any of these up myself and I am only asking them for the love and adoration of the people that pay me, trust when I say it’s going to be far more gossipy if it was something I wanted to ask.
I like to ask things like, what’s your favourite item you’ve robbed? Where are you next planning on hitting, so I can either decide I want it and get there first or to avoid it like the plague.
Or the fact we all know that you know who the Batman is, you brag about it and while I don’t want to know, that’s something I want to work out myself but do you know who Bat is? Who’s under any of the sidekick masks?
Actually wait though, do I want to know who those people are, or do I just want to know if you know?

Selina Kyle: *groaning* You are talking yourself into a loop Edward, and I’m not answering any of those questions, what did your people want to know?

Edward Nygma: No, I’ve not got a lot of questions I want to ask you Selina, and this is my show after all. People tune in to hear me and my thoughts, not just another chat show, if they want that they can either sit close enough to Harley to hear her obnoxious gossiping with or about the other rogues. Or you can tune in to listen to Vickie Vale or someone like that. This is my show Selina and you agreed that you wanted to be here, which means you’re following my rules miss.

Audible through the microphone is the irritated tapping of some nails onto a coffee table, the ruffling of a cat brushing against the microphone.

Selina Kyle: Edward, I am warning you. Please move onto an actual better question or let me ask something of you, you are sat in my house which means while this show is your turf, I am the one in charge.

Edward Nygma: You’re just letting everything go to your head, Selina. This is my show, and it is currently being held in your house but it’s still mine.

Selina Kyle: Nawh, are you loosing your patience little puzzle maker, does Arkham have this in your file, proof of your mental illnesses…

Edward Nygma: I am not mentally ill, Arkham has it wrong!

Selina Kyle: Uh hu, you let things get to you so easily and quickly, I’m surprised you can even stand to be around Scarecrow as he sinks his toxin in, or is that why you stay because he’s found out far too many of your secrets and pains.

Edward Nygma: You watch your tongue cat! Or shall we go back to discussing your ridiculous dance with Batman, you can’t make fun of me on my own show!

Claw like nails can be heard scraping against each other, a slight hissing noise emitting from the back of Selina’s throat, mimicked by some of the other cats around her.

Selina Kyle: Edward, stop talking otherwise you’re going to get another, far prettier scar to match the other one on your face.

Edward Nygma: You wouldn’t dare.

Selina Kyle: No one else would be all that upset about it, I think some of them would even thank me for reminding you that your radio show isn’t meant to be some dirty gossip forum.

Edward Nygma: No, you wouldn’t. (He seems to be realising that Selina is very much telling the truth) R-Right, you would so I am off then, you know I’ve suddenly realised Jervis invited me to a tea party and you know what he’s like.
(Edward’s voice is getting quieter, like he’s moving away from the microphone)
Can’t be late or who knows where I’ll end up afterwards, I’ll be seeing you around cat, maybe after you’ve forgotten about this specific afternoon.

The door can be heard slamming open and then shut again, an angry yowling of a cat and then the shifting of fabric, as if someone has leaned in towards the microphone.

Selina Kyle: Well, it appears in Edward’s desperation to not actually meet my claws, he has left all of his equipment here. Don’t worry, it will find its way back to him, eventually, I’m not going to keep it because I don’t see the point in talking to you all when I can’t see you. Now, how does he normally end these? It doesn’t really matter, I shall simply bid you now a good evening because I know it certainly is going to be for some of us.
Though, if any of you actually care about Riddler, I’ll make sure he’s okay. I’d only maybe actually toss him out of a window, at least not too high up to actually permanently damage him in anyway, just to remind him to let his mouth not speak at the same rate his brain thinks at.
Have an evening Gotham, I have a kitten collar and an evening with a rather stunning lady to enjoy it with – maybe I can give Edward his stuff back and give you a story of my newest baby, reassure you all that he’s a menace but he’s the menace of the rogues gallery and we are all too fond of him, so don’t try anything.

Chapter Text

Sometimes Edward’s streams sync perfectly up with the fact he cannot sleep and are simply hosted for something his mind can do. It does also occasionally lead to a little more of his personal life seeping out.

There’s the sound of shuffling and yawning that accompanies the radio already being live, bumbling out soft noises before the presenter is ready to begin.
It’s late, far later than normal and it seems that the Riddler has started this show because he cannot sleep, not unusual but normally the time for planning then chatting for the few people who might be awake and listening in.

Edward Nygma: Evening Gotham, I doubt many of you will be up to listen to my wonders, though it is late…
(He’s broken of  by an audible shaky yawn)
And maybe my brain isn’t up to it’s usual quality, why I am here talking then doing any of my plans? You all know so much about my mental health nowadays. I do still have a great plan for that insignificant worm who decided it was a good idea to leak those Arkham files. I know many of you thought it was me but I am not stupid enough to leak such personal things about both friends and enemies, let alone myself.
None of that matters right now, I can’t regret yet another past that I cannot change, I just won’t let this one ruin me, I’m sure some of you were more likely to find it out soon, though Miss Vale is going to realise her mistake soon enough gossiping using it.  Don’t want to spoil anyone’s plans but I would state to keep an eye on Mr Dent, he’s on his best behaviour right now, but doesn’t mean he can convince her exactly how she did wrong.

There’s another soft groaning, as if someone else is in the room with the Riddler and close to him at that.

???: What are you doing up so late?

Edward Nygma: Nothing, simply getting out some of my many thoughts, go back to sleep, I’ll keep my voice low to not wake you up.
(A few moments pass with no input from the mystery figure)
Well, while we are up Gotham, shall we see what some other people are up to, I’m pretty sure that at least Batman is running around tonight, maybe with his newest little robin. I think Oswald now also has his own radio that echoes through the lounge, he called me too obnoxious and inconsistent to take over the role, which is rude if you ask me, I had a career in this before everything else.
Hmm, maybe I should see if anyone else is up or not busy, so I’m not just talking to myself - no look I know I’m talking to all of you but that doesn’t mean to me, it doesn’t seem like I have anyone but my own microphone to chat with. And no, before anyone tries to get into the chat to say, I am not waking my companion back up, you do not get to know who that is so you can stop all of your questions now, who shares my bed is none of your business. Now, I am going to look to see if anyone is willing to talk with us.

While the talking may fall silent, the feed hasn’t been cut dead, rustling blankets and the slight beep of a phone being used.
This goes on for a few minutes before.

Edward Nygma: Hazar, you will all be glad to know that we are about to be joined, I do not have my full step up here, so forgive me if this is a little glitchier than normal, I’d like to see all of you do this either way, doubt you could do it with even a lick of more energy than I have right now.
That being said, good evening Harley, you are now live on the air, please keep cussing to a minimum and your tone soft, do not shout it is late.

Harley Quinn: You gotcha, Eddie. Though why’ve I got to be quiet? Your studio is in ass end nowhere to avoid us lot from rocking up and helping out.

Edward Nygma: *hissed* I am not at my studio right now.

Harley Quinn: Oh ho, are we live from the Riddler’s current main home… Does that mean you have some companions who don’t want waking up considering the hour? I’ve not seen either of them out here tonight, thought that I might because Twos is giving Batman one hell of a runaround, for any of your listeners who may be in the same betting pools as I am, Selina did appear but told them - and I’m quoting this so you can’t get angry at me for swearing, I’m trying. But she told them that they could ‘fuck off she’s on her own date night’ when she was nearly pulled into it all, so at least Cat’s decided they’re both disasters of their own making and perfect for each other.

Edward Nygma: (Humming softly) Well, even if that’s the case, and I am not confirming or denying if I am alone or not right now, but either way, one of them isn’t to everyone’s beck and call anymore. Especially not when it gets down to relationship drama, I’m still firmly in the camp, ‘the pair of them are going to suck it up and finally get together as a couple’ soon enough.

Harley Quinn: Honestly Eddie, that’s wishful thinking, I’ve never really met men as dense as those lot, otherwise I’m sure something would have happened long before. Anyway, what are you up to this fine evening, if it’s not actually sleeping in a bed with some other body?

Edward Nygma: Okay you can shut your face now Harley, I’ve had enough of everyone thinking they can bully me on my own show. I will simply cut you off.

Harley Quinn: Oh, I’m sorry Eddie, I really didn’t mean it like that. I know things have been harder since, you know - Harv ‘ll have to fight me over showing that idiot why you shouldn’t do such stupid things as leak information about the rogues. You can come watch if you want?

Edward Nygma: Is that inviting me to watch you and Harv get at it, or getting revenge? Actually no, scratch that I want to be there for both, do you have your funeral plans in place yet? Otherwise I can swing over and we and get that all sorted out, I’ll only take a small fee.
(Edward breaks out into soft chuckles and so does Harley, she recovers from her own first)

Harley Quinn: Actually, Harv would only maim me, he’s let it slip he’s rather fond of me, probably because I’ve given ‘em some good advice. While I stopped being able to perform officially not long after their accident, I have been able to offer them plenty of assistance and advice since; I would quite like to and I will fully put this out to the rest of Gotham, or like the other five people probably up to hear this, that I want to take credit for the pair getting on with each other, maybe even for the fact they literally get on even better than that, for those of you who know what I mean.

Edward Nygma: Now, I reckon we should stop there Harls, I don’t want a cranky Harv phoning up again while banned because he’s complaining you’re spreading gossip about him, he’s cranky at the best of times but this late at night, he’d be furious.
How about we go back to what you’d asked before, I am not up to all that much right now, which is why I am talking to my beloved listeners. I simply could not sleep, a condition I’ve always been blatantly open about affecting me and did not feel up to working on any of my ploys right now, you know how it is Harley and I’m sure in some way so does the rest of Gotham, working on one thing for all too long can make it boring and loose it’s charm, and I certainly do not want my puzzles and riddles to lose their charm.
Now, what have you been up to this fine evening, my dearest Harley? I know my messages did not just wake you up because you answered all too quickly for that to be the case, and were as coherent as a normal Harley message is, which to be fair isn’t much for the people who don’t know you. What sordid details can I and our dear listeners have? Though please don’t go into too much detail, there is no way I want to know some of your life like that and if my listeners do, well they can find a better way to contact you.

Harley Quinn: Oh, I really wasn’t up to much. Me and Selina had been canvasing somewhere, I’m not sharing where cause that’s for her to know and I doubt any of your listeners should know, I do not want to get on her bad side. So, you’ve caught me just before I could go to bed, I don’t mind though, not like I’ve got anything else to do in the morning, don’t think I have anything to do at all tomorrow unless someone has something interesting for me to partake in. That means if any of you are listening into our Eddie, dearest, then I would like to reach out friends and say, I am bored, please entertain me.

Harley’s ended up raising her volume as she speaks, it sounds like her legs are banging onto something, like she’s swinging her legs as she talks.

Edward Nygma: Hush Harley, I really don’t want you to be so loud.

Harley Quinn: Right, sorry Eddie. Selina jokes I have to sleep in another room whenever we have sleepovers because I just can’t keep quiet but I’m trying for you.

Edward Nygma: I know you are Harls, and I really appreciate it. Sorry I’m just a bit on edge at the moment.

Harley Quinn: I know, hey why don’t you give us a riddle to solve, I can’t say I’ll be any good at it, but maybe one of your listeners will be able to solve it.

Edward Nygma: Oh, you know how to spoil me Harls, you know how to spoil me. Hmm, I’ll go for an easier one, just cause it’s late, and to give you a chance. I shall provide two, because I cannot decide which one I prefer for right now;
At night they arrive without being asked, but in the day all but one are gone without being lost. What are they?
I am always coming but never truly arrive. You can make plans involving me but I am never truly the person involved. Despite all of this I am a constant in this world, what am I?

Harley Quinn: Ugh, no I think I’m too sleepy to try and work out your riddles, maybe I shouldn’t of asked this at this time of night. How long ‘ve I got to answer?

Edward Nygma: *Lightly chuckling again* As long as you want Harls, but if I find out that someone has given you the answers, or you’ve crowd sourced it I’m going to be sorely disappointed and not give you any credit or kudos for it.

???: Are you still up, and telling riddles?

Sounds like a bed groaning and the ruffling of fabric smoothing across each other, a soft stifled gasp from Edward and Harley lets out a bright gasp before giggling.

Harley Quinn: Evening professa Crane. I hope I did not cause you to be disturbed?

Jonathan Crane: *Groaning softly* Good evening Harley, though I suspect we are now into the early hours of the morning. While I love to hear from you, I do not really appreciate it this early, when Edward is meant to be asleep, you’re never going to be able to drift off if you stay up talking to Harley.

Edward Nygma: Do you ever turn the whole psychologist thing off?

Jonathan Crane: When the people I care about stop needing it. Bid farewell to Harley and your listeners and come back to actually trying to sleep in bed.

Harley Quinn: I hope I haven’t gotten Eddie in trouble, though you’re right, I reckon it probably is tomorrow at this point.

None of them all too aware that they’ve raised their voices to a more normal volume until there is another groan.

??: I feel the need to point out it is 3am, and now we’re all awake.
Huffed slightly, though there’s some fondness to it, even if it’s a little muffled by the distance from itself to the Riddler’s microphone.

Harley Quinn: Awh now I do really feel bad, though I guess good morning then Edward. Oh I will let you know Twos and Batsie have been out tonight.

A deep groaning from the more muffled voice.

Edward Pennyworth: I am going to personally send them both to Arkham together to actually talk their shit out, hypocrites both of them. Though hu, guess it does explain why there’s so many notifications on my coms.

Jonathan Crane: They should know that Bat would not answer on a night he’s not expected to.

Edward Pennyworth: Nah, I think it’s Oracle, Red Hood and Robin gossiping about them, they know when to behave, but anyway none of that is stuff I should be talking about with members of the public listening in.

Harley Quinn: Right, right. Well I’ll bid you all a good morning then boys, Eddie, Eddie and Jonathan. Hey, let me know if any of them have info that can affect the bidding pool, I want the deets first so I can run a profit.

Edward Nygma: He is not letting you swindle the rest of the rogues gallery.

Jonathan Crane: Especially not when there’s more than just rogues involved, pretty sure Batman’s entire family is in on it.

Edward Pennyworth: *A confirming hum like sound* That and what must be at least half of the gossip columns of Gotham and possibly even beyond, now go to bed Harley or I’m telling Pamela you were up gossiping with Ed.

Harley Quinn: Uh uh, no thank you. I’m going to sleep, bye guys, bye Gotham’s general public

Her line cuts dead, there’s some slight mumbling not quite audible to the microphone seemingly between Jonathan and Edward Pennyworth.

Jonathan Crane: Come back to bed Eddie, your people have probably heard more than enough for this morning, especially with some riddles to chew over, you can call them again later, lets quieten down that mind of you.

More rustling and a soft ‘oof’ from Riddler as he’s tugged backwards into the bed. Soft footsteps, muffled by being barefoot approach towards the microphone.

Edward Pennyworth: I wish all of you listening, a good morning Gotham, have fun chewing over any riddles you may have been given by our dearest Riddler. I can and will get any of you if you’re caught gossiping about any of this, we all know Edward and Harley can be a little less guarded as they should be when lacking sleep.
(His speech interrupted by a loud yawn.)
Yeah, we’re back off to bed and I don’t plan for any of us to surface for, well realistically four hours is what will happen. Au Revoir listeners.

For once the stream slowly comes to its intended standard death, the Riddler’s line cutting dead and a soft song playing out, lowering in volume though the few listeners all log off before it can fade out completely.
It is ridiculously early in the morning after all, and for most, it’s a work day tomorrow. That and the fact that there will be some good news stories about the night's crimes and well, whatever keeps going on with Batman and Two-Face.

Chapter Text

It’s a surprisingly bright and sunny day in Gotham, pleasantly warm and despite being sat almost alone at a desk with firmly no camera, Edward Nygma is dressed up surprisingly nice considering what’s going on. It seems that he’s dressed for an alternate reason he’s kind of ignoring, or at least trying to distract his mind from.

There’s a single letter sat on his desk, crumpled but best smoothed out, and coming to sit opposite is a very unimpressed looking Miss Tuesday.

Edward Nygma: Good afternoon, Gotham. I am here at this usual and unplanned time because I have found a rather fascinating letter in a rather interesting place with some questions to be answered and I must not lie when I admit it’s piqued my interest from skim reading it and they have interested me. I shall also admit to the author that I keep a copy of every time I go live, and no doubt so does my beloved Edward at this point and considering the fact that you’ve managed to get this letter here, well I’m going to trust making a separate copy on a usb that you will take just that and nothing else. Do not think that I didn’t notice you having stollen some of my snacks.
Anyway, many of you will also be happy to hear that I have bribed Miss Tuesday into reading them out for me, so you don’t just have to listen to my wonderful voice, so throw me that first concept my girl.

Miss Tuesday: It’s not just the letter Eddie, I know you’re just getting butterflies about your sort of wedding, I am shoving you out of the door if it looks like even the slimmest chance of us becoming late.

Edward makes out a slightly startled snorting sound at this, and the slightest sound of a microphone being batted at in slight frustration.

Edward Nygma: You are lying to the people, Miss Tuesday, please cease and instead give me the first question from our mysterious JT. Also, before any of you idiots ask or theorise, there’s no way this is Jason, I am sure JT is a pretty common initial layout – I would have researched it but I am on a time crunch that has nothing to do with what Miss Tuesday had said.

Miss Tuesday: *lets out a very sarcastic hum* Sure thing, Eddie darling. Right the first thing our JT wants to know is and ew okay let it be known as requested I am reading them out as is because ugh, I don’t think this is an adult who’s written this Ed.
We first have ‘Is Lex Luthor horrifying the JLA by having a kid with someone’, they then ramble into some names that I don’t know if I recognise, idk man.

Edward Nygma: That’s fine thank you Miss Tuesday, and ugh I did not want to think about that name today thanks, JT. Personally I hope Lex Luthor won’t be doing much anymore ever but he has sort of had children, well he’s made them which is like close enough, apparently one is superman’s son, never really met him, but he also made our darling Alouette. She’s both eleven and one at the same time, it’s a little confusing but she is a darling and a perfect mix of my boyfriends so I don’t know if it counts as having a kid, but certainly a kid he caused to exist.
If he has anymore I would not know, I do not like to step foot in Metropolis and doubt I ever will now after what happened with my family, I don’t know if you know about that, but I know the rest of Gotham does and it’s not something we want to bring up when possible.

Miss Tuesday: Yeah, not saying I want that man dead, but yeah petition for that man to be dead. Though I for one certainly like being the girls honorary aunt, she thinks I’m really cool and that your riddles kinda suck Eddie.
Anyway, time crunch, our second question from JT is ‘How many robins are there at any one time?’ Oh I do not envy you answering this headache, Eddie.

Edward Nygma: *Heavy groan* Fuck, well what are you counting as a robin JT, just those working directly under Batman or not. We’ve sort of expanded all of them counting as robins if they’re simply currently preferring to be seen as a sidekick, we have the one chasing Batman still, pretty sure Red Hood’s sidekick has taken up the mantel of Robin as well. In the past it was a lot more cut and dry where we tended to only really have one at a time, though the hand over between one and two was a little odd occurring to Edward. There was also a wiggly time where there were a couple half using it half not, I reckon you should redirect this question to Batman or Bat if you want a clear-cut answer. I don’t really think it’s worth the migraine thinking about, you just know there’s normally at least one more vigilante ready to kick your butt then you expect.

Miss Tuesday is giggling slightly, her chair creaks as she leans back in it.

Miss Tuesday: Yeah, I just, ooof. Anyway, going to ask you both of these at once, because I don’t really know what the first one means and I thought I was well read on all your info, we have ‘Did Ethiopia happen?’ as well as ‘How'd you get your bite scar?’

Edward Nygma: Hu, while I certainly know Ethiopia is a place that exists, I’m not all too sure what this could be referring to. I know Bruce loves to travel, is that some stupid Batman stuff he did over there? Not like all of the Colony likes to tell me, everything because apparently, I like to ‘yap’ as Cardinal put it.
Also, how on earth do you know about my bite scar? Well yes, I will admit I do have one for those of you who don’t know, I think it’s a rather sweet story even if it was a mistake at first. What happened was Waylon was having a nightmare and the others weren’t there, so I went to help him and in his panicked state he accidently bit a good deep chunk into my shoulder. Of course I hold no anger with the child, and you know, it’s fascinating and I joke if we ever loose him, I have a perfect imprint of his teeth as a scar to match to him.
If you’re listening Waylon, I love you and it’s firmly one of my favourite scars.

Miss Tuesday: You are in fact both a yap and a sap Eddie, and I can say that as your number two who adores you. I really wonder where JT has gotten some of these questions from, if this is something malicious, I’m having it in recording here that I told you so.

Edward Nygma: Yes, yes okay you can gloat my dear, you have full permission and this can be used as proof for thus. You’ve still got more questions for me, I’ve skim read over the list, so throw them at me, I do not want to have any of these left unanswered before we need to head off. For what is defiantly not something I’m anxious about and not what you brought up before.

A nervous tapping of a hand against the table can be just about picked up through the microphone, before it’s silenced by another hand soothing over it, a soft beep as the signal is paused for a second as Miss Tuesday leans over and offers some words of comfort and reassurance to her boss before the stream is restarted.

Miss Tuesday: Right, so I have another two at you because they have the same vibes, we are first ranking how bad Batman’s life choices are 1-10 and then he’s gone on some ramble about robin #3 not going by Red Robin and leaving that up to #5 or something.

Edward Nygma: I shall answer the easier one first, I assume you’re referring to who we now have as Cardinal JT, I did hear through one of Eddie’s many rants he was considering keeping Robin in his title, went really clever and just shifted it to a different red bird. I’m loosing a little track over your numbering of them, not sure if some of ours might not have occurred in different orders because I have a very big suspicion that you’re from a different reality, something the man in Red pants told us was a possibility.
Now to the fun one, this really depends on if we’re just judging Batman, judging Bruce Wayne or both of them as the same person that they are. Also, at what point because he firmly has had a time in his life were his choices added up to a negative 1 and then other times were it finally hit positive 10, right now I’d say he’s probably at an 8. Caused things to end up which resulted in Jon’s accident but he’s also helped him begin to teach and practice again though with supervision which we all understand. Also he seems to be happy with the Justice System right now, I’m not saying they might be bringing another into the flock because of that, but I’m also stating I have a rather positive bet about it with a lot of money going in my favour if it does happen.
Though leads me to asking you, JT, how useless is your batman? I know Robin has a pension for calling his father ‘looser fail’ and that Harvey, Harv & Apollo could do far better then him, while that kid terrifies me he is hilarious sometimes.
Anyway, with that question for you JT, give me another Miss Tuesday.

Miss Tuesday: I’m banning you from using the term looser fail, makes you seem like an old man and I hate it. Anyhow, next one is ‘If you were a dinosaur, what kind of dinosaur would you be?’ Can I also answer this one, never mind Eddie I’m answering it anyway.
I would either be a Parasaurolophus or an Agujaceratops, if you don’t know what they are google them people. I’d also like to call Edward a Microraptor, small, feathery and something I’d say is pretty but also a little obnoxious.

Edward Nygma: You are so mean to me, Miss Tuesday. Personally I’d like to think of myself as a Neimongosaurus, which yeah still makes me a little guy but hey, it’s cooler than just a Microraptor. Please don’t ask how I know so much about dinosaurs, I ended up at a dinner alone with just Edward, Bruce and Tim, also known as the dinosaur boys. Something I’d complain about but I know that is incredibly hypocritical.

Miss Tuesday: *Heavy fake coughing* Like you’re not already a hypocrite, anyway time crunch. I’m going to answer the next two JT cause I don’t even see the point on lingering on them.
No idea who a Constantine could be, though from your warning of banning him, I guess I will also make sure Edward remains away from anyone by such a name.
[At this, Edward can be heard letting out a rather loud and childish whining noise and he slumps against the desk, though quickly corrects as he realises how nice an outfit he’s in.]
Also going to start by fully quoting JT ‘Someone needs to murder that fucking loser clown. He's not even a good clown. He breaks like the entire clown code. Harley's a better clown than he is.’

Edward Nygma: [Interrupting her] That’s not a question JT, gosh you can’t say you have a list of questions and then have a statement within it! Though good statement I agree, though apparently there’s reasons we can’t just do that, though I reckon Jason should be allowed at the very least.

Miss Tuesday: You know why he doesn’t want to Eddie, and why the others don’t quite either. Still think our other Ed dearest is still shaken up over what he did to Roman. Think it’s sort of like how they now view Lex, they despise the clown but don’t want to taint themselves with the action of actually doing so, just means I know none of them will even consider saving him if it comes down to that. Though we agree, Harley is certainly a far better clown and so is her friend Comprehend who I am pretty sure even after all these years straight up is just a clown who’s committed to the bit and become one of her best friends. Man, that girl can crack me up like no one else.
Anyway, we technically have just three more questions to go and I’m pretty sure we can get to those before we have to get going for that event you apparently don’t want to admit it is what it is. You know they’re probably all listening right now and are going to tease you once we get there.

Edward Nygma: That is for slightly more future Edward to be annoyed about, just give me the next question, love. I hope my answers are proving satisfactory JT, and I firmly feel like you are both providing me with more questions about yourself but I don’t even want to start the spiral of where to start with that.

Miss Tuesday: Right yes, just a couple more left, though hm, feels a bit like a couple of these are better off to different people but we can answer them, sure you can bother them back onto the line later to actually answer.
TJ asks us now, ‘Did you know Ivy’s pollen works funky on people with DID?’

Edward Nygma: Oh yes Ivy’s pollen, must admit we try to keep as far away from as many of those as possible. That they do, though all of them react a little differently depending on the people as well, I know that she tends to avoid dosing either Jon or Harv & Harvey now because of how badly things have gone in the past when it involves them. She thought Jon was just an outlier at first, but Scarecrow just tends to react to all of them in a volatile sense, we’ve not really poked or tested with Scarebeast considering what it can do when it loses control. Though I would like to theorise they might have little to no effect on him, considering it and Monstera had the same origin, the plants growing out of Scarebeast; the shared origin of the pair probably provide some kind of immunity.
It's, well it’s certainly not going to be anything else that we trial now, wouldn’t want to risk hurting them further. Don’t any of you think that makes our Jonathan weak, I need not brag but I was the designer of his new leg and oh, there are a lot of fun things in there *He giggles slightly* maybe don’t tell Bruce about all of them.
I do not know if it affects all people with DID, though having the base knowledge of it affecting both systems we all contently know about, I’d like to assume so. Maybe another reason our Jon should have known about his spookier self sooner rather then later with how it affected them, we love him for it so much though.

Miss Tuesday: Hmm yeah, I know Ivy doesn’t really like to use her pollens negatively where possible, sure she wants almost all humans to suffer but yeah, not like that. Think part of that might be Jon’s influence himself, still don’t like being near those pair when they’re actually getting on, you may get boyfriend protective rights but alas, does not fall down to long suffering Number twos.

Edward Nygma: *A little too softly* You don’t mean that do you?

Miss Tuesday: Of course not, I’m fond of you boss, why I stick around. Like a dog you get, care too much to really every not pour your heart into it but also get annoyed when he paws up on your nice new dress.
Anyway, time, ‘What does Two-Face think of the name Antonio?’ Look JT, however you contacted Eddie with this letter, maybe you should of sent this to him instead.

Edward Nygma: Hmm, Antonio, well that sure is a pretty name.
I know Apollo is fond of other names that begin with A, though can’t really say specifically for any of the others, does sound a bit like the type of names Harv and Harvey like. I’ll ask them later and hopefully be able to get up to you JT on that fact.

He seems to be about to say something else before there’s the ringing of his phone, he picks it up and goes to hang out but Miss Tuesday grabs it and presses answer.

Miss Tuesday: You’re through and live on the air. *there’s a content lilt in her tone*

Harv: For one thing, you are going to be late to your own wedding at this point Nygma and I remember how chaotic Ed and Jon’s was when the Joker tried to turn up, if you’re late? Well, how much do you enjoy rabies?
Harvey: Edward does not carry rabies in his manbat form, Harv.
Anyway, as well as to lecture you which is just in fact delaying you, I thought it was important to weigh in consider the fact you have been discussing us. I don’t think we have any complaints over your quick touching upon our DID and Ivy’s pollen, though I also need to state it tends to be really fucky depending on everyone – it’s a real flip of the coin over how it affects Jervis.

Harvey breaks off into laughter at his own pun reference, leading to a groan from Harv too.

Harv: Anyway, none of us know why this JT is bringing up the idea of liking a name. I fuck up once and have a child and suddenly everyone’s acting like there could be more, we’re girl dads through and through.
Harvey: Okay I don’t think that’s whatever this JT means, anyway I am now going to say this before Harv tries to yeet me from front and I can see Apollo eyeing me up too, but I must admit that Harv confessed it was a name he considered for himself when I had my eyes open to what was going on in my he-
Apollo: Okay that is enough of them, I am hanging up on you know, you have five minutes to get her Nygma otherwise we’re letting Judge get to you for upsetting Mr Pennyworth-Crane.

A beep as the phone cuts off and Miss Tuesday breaks out into laughter.

Edward Nygma: Well, that certainly was an interruption, so there’s that for you JT. Clearly the Justice System really like the name Antonio and Harv likes it a lot, anyway there was one more dash on that list Miss Tuesday I do not like the idea of Judge being on my tail once more.

Miss Tuesday: Yeah, right you’re answering this and then we’re running to the car so we’re not late. Oh, he’s just asking if we want to see his dad’s cat and there is a very cute cat photo here.

Miss Tuesday clearly shows a photo to Edward who breaks out into a slightly confused single laugh.

Edward Nygma: Oh, JT you just get even more exciting the more of the little information I know about you. That certainly looks like who I’d call from a base description Jason Todd, or Crime Alley’s beloved Red Hood with a very adorable cat, but he seems to be both lacking his usual melanin and Syndactyly – so very fascinating.
You need to find a better way to contact me JT because we need to discuss this not just on my show, now Miss Tuesday is stood at my door and glaring. Which means I will be off everyone, have a good afternoon Gotham, I feel a lot like I’m going to throw up but hope I will have a good afternoon too.

Miss Tuesday: *faintly muffled as she’s clearly no where near a mic* Hurry up Ed otherwise you’re going to have two very angry not quite fiancés you’re getting married idiot so hurry up.

A chair scrapes backwards and there’s footsteps walking away, clear that they’ve not quite remembered to turn it off as a door closes firm with a clicking sound. Static and the sounds of Gotham just filter in through the stream, system keeps recording as it’s left to run for the afternoon, the only further information coming through to the stream, for the few people still listening in to it is when the radio begins to play.
A happy congratulations from a reporter Clark Kent, to celebrate the unfortunately not legal union between Edward Nygma, Edward Pennyworth-Crane and Jonathan Crane, that hopefully they will have many happy years of marriage together.

Chapter Text

Edward is not all too sure how he got this honour, if he honestly still understands why, it’s an honour because he’s quite frightened about it all, but his listeners have questions and he is not one to disappoint especially considering the fact he’s rather interested himself.

The quality of this transmission is wonderful, high quality but not quite the same as it normally is, as if it’s a completely different set up but of just as high a quality. Some soft classical music can be heard in the background alongside the meowing of a cat.

Talia Head: Oh, I do so hope you don’t mind if Thomas joins us for this Edward, he’s awfully clingy when we have guests over.

Edward Nyma: That’s fine by me, Ms Head, Selina has taught me how to be good with cats.

Talia Head: Please call me Talia, Edward, otherwise I shall start calling you Mr Nygma and then the others will sulk that this isn’t as casual as you claim it’s meant to be.

Edward Nygma: Oh course, my apologies Talia.
Anyway, Good Evening my Gotham few. I hope you are all enjoying dinner at this point in time, and if not then I hope you’ve already eaten considering the time on the clock. For today I am joined by the wonderful Talia Head, someone that many of you have been asking about and leaving me far too many questions. I feel the need to reassure you Talia and to admonish some of my listeners, that I have gone though and double checked the appropriateness of many of these questions – that even some of the ones I’ve gone through with, I do not appreciate the wording off it and this is firmly not my own.
Selina has also gone over these, and affirmed I can ask you some of these, in these exact phrasings, so please don’t take it out on me if you’re upset.

Talia Head: *breaks out in soft laughter* I will keep that in mind, Edward, and will also ensure that Damian knows this too. Why he has specifically been left with his father tonight to be distracted from any sudden impulses.

Edward hums softly, as the slight jangle of a cat’s collar indicates that Thomas has settled happily onto Talia’s lap, receiving pets.

Edward Nygma: I shall actually let that lead into my first question, not the first on my list but the best for flowing questions into the chat.
This was left anonymously in my Board and goes as follows ‘Did you think about telling Bruce about Damian?’ I am assuming this is in relation to the boy’s arrival at twelve-years-old in Gotham, and from what I’ve been told is when he first knew.

Talia Head: Yes, this is, a slightly difficult one I must admit. There was a lot involved about our son and him coming to stay with his father, the timing of mine and his relationship was a sore spot for him, one we’ve all got long over but neither of us was really in the healthiest head space at the time. Do not get me wrong, Edward, Gotham, I loved Bruce, but it was just not the best time for either of us, with the stress that was going on in his life and my own.
My darling Damian was not something I was going to risk, and yes, I am well aware I should have told him sooner, that his father was owed that but I didn’t think it was worth the further risk and stress on all of us. I saved all the memories for him though, ensured Damian handed that over as well when he arrived. There were sore feelings at first, of course there were, but these past five years it’s settled and Bruce always understood why I didn’t tell him.

Edward Nygma: Of course, it must have been hard raising your son alone, knowing his father had no clue, even if that was by your own choice.

Talia Head: I mean, I wasn’t truly alone but yes, it was. Part of it is my own guilt about the fact his father wasn’t physically there for raising him like I know he would have wanted. I know he has done wonderfully with all of his other children, and no doubt will continue to considering the fact I doubt he’s going to stop collecting children any time soon.
Not that I’m one to spread rumours, but a little birdie has been chirping about Bruce and the Justice System discussing children and who’s going to win out – Bruce and his pile of sons or them and their pair of daughters.

Edward breaks out into some soft laughter, it’s warm and light-hearted though, the sound of a chair creaking.

Edward Nygma: I wonder if your little birdie is the same one as the one that’s been coming and overheard by a couple of us rogues.
We’ll let that lead into another question now though, leaving children be a little as a pick-me up after no doubt this next one. I am reading this message word for word from my follower L’Egg, who has left it almost every time it’s been suggested I may be able to speak to you ‘How much of a musty bitch is Ra'as and how much do you wish you weren't related?’ I need to stress to you Talia how adamant they were I do not change that wording.

Talia Head: Oh, that is firmly a question. Also, firmly a very loaded question for me, because despite everything I must admit he is my father so some part of me will always care about him – that being said I feel the need to point out I sent my son to Gotham and then myself is very telling, that since that has happened, I have had no contact with him. Well at least no contact that I wanted.
Part of me can’t say I wish we weren’t related, sure it would have been far easier for me and Damian but would I even have him if I was not the woman I am. What I firmly am glad is the fact I am no longer stuck near him and yes, L’Egg, he is a pretty musty bitch – Selina has joked to me many times it's where I get my own bitchiness from.

Edward Nygma: Yes, wishing you weren’t related to those who created you is firmly a difficult step.

Talia Head: Certainly, on one hand it’s nothing we can change so what is the point of considering it, but also would life have been easier and better if those we were related to were different to any level – would we still be the people we are now, would we want to be different to how we are now, no matter the pain we’ve had to go through to get here.
I have always wanted life to be easy for my darling Damian, but then it wouldn’t have led to this, it wouldn’t have led me to my gorgeous girlfriend and a life I have never felt so settled in.
Anyway, may I request a happier question Edward.

Edward Nygma: Yes, of course. From my own end I must also admit that I have never seen Selina as happy as she’s been with you, even before the pair of you got together, she was so content and now, well since you both became a couple I don’t know if I ever thought she could smile as much as she does. Though does mean very few people now dare to bring cat themed anything into Gotham upon risk of it lining your apartment’s walls instead.

Talia’s laughter breaks through Edward’s words now, alongside a rather pointed meow from Thomas, as if the cat himself had an opinion to add onto the matter. Considering the fact it’s one of Selina’s cats though, named by Damian after the grandfather he never met – well Thomas probably does in fact have an opinion on the matter.

Right, a fun question for you after all of that.
Oh, here’s a good one that sounds a little like I brought it up myself but I did not – despite how often your son terrifies me. The people would like to know if Damian was also a little shit as a toddler? I assume if he is as chaotic as the boy at the galas we often see is, pretty sure that just last week he pulled out a sword to show to the new commissioner as some sort of reminder – I don’t think his words were picked up by any of the press.

Talia Head: Oh, Damian has always been how he is now and I doubt he will ever change. Being born into the bloodlines of two very stubborn families and it must be admitted he’s incredibly spoiled at that, which very much doesn’t help. He’s probably gotten worse since he came to Gotham though considering the fact that he went from having me and his grandfather pampering him but now his father, Selina, his uncle and Alfred – though I’m not too sure how content he was with how that happened at first.
I do have some photos and videos I am willing to share with you though Edward, unfortunately that’s not for Gotham, maybe once he’s gone through school, as a treat for him to be put down a couple of pegs as they all realise he’s secretly incredibly adorable.

Edward Nygma: Large kitten with anger issues. That’s how I’d describe your son if I’m being incredibly honest with you Talia.

Talia Head: *Once again laughing softly* Oh yes, I often tease Selina it’s how I knew we’d be perfect together, her love of cats and my cat son. With the chaos that is Gotham I must admit I wouldn’t be all too mad if one day I was informed that he could now turn into one - wouldn’t even be all that shocked either, not like there isn’t stranger things and transformations that have happened to other people. I think Damian would enjoy it too, after he stopped hissing at everyone – we’d just have to get him cute little claw caps to stop him from causing any real problems.

A snorting noise comes out of Edward, the sound of him dropping something against the table in front of them in his humour about it all. He can fully picture that happening as well as the very face Damian would have, both as a pouty human and cat – Gotham is not a beast you want to make all too many assumptions about and something either causing Damian to turn into a cat or it turning out he’s always been a meta, yeah he’d put money on it.

Edward Nygma: He can join the cat collective. Though that quite nicely brings me to our last question of the night, and as I glance at the clock, to a good time before said girlfriend returns home – I do not want to get under your feet for your already late dinner.
What is your own favourite animal Talia, and do not be swayed by your kitten son and your Catwoman?

Talia Head: I am genuinely fond of cats of all sorts, but my favourite animal is probably the Red-Tailed Hawk. My heart does belong to all birds of prey, especially all hawks but they are just such stunning and intelligent creatures, I would rather like to become one in my next life, though I would rescind to becoming a cat if it means I get to remain beside Selina.

Edward Nygma: Oh, I don’t know, I could certainly see a Mountain Lion and a Red-Tailed Hawk being an unlikely team terrorising stupid hikers and running wild over their territory.

Talia Head: You really are as silver tongued as they say, Edward. Surprised that’s not gotten you into even more trouble by this point in time, but it is appreciated. Now, me and Thomas shall bid your listeners goodnight and encourage you to pack up and move on, you are correct to assume I have a late dinner I would not want further delayed.

Chapter Text

The microphone sits itself on the centre of the desk, computer set up humming softly in the background and a new note sits balanced up against the monitor
It's clear that the door behind him is left ajar, as it creeks slightly as a face peers in but does not join him. The Riddler simply smiles, leans in and starts the stream.

Edward Nygma: Now good evening, Gotham, I apologise for any interruptions you may overhear, I have been falsely banned from game night so I'm coming to you for entertainment, plus I have some more questions from our strange JT who has confessed himself as a Jonie. And no, I do not mean you girl.
As he says this a craw echoes as a crow flies into the room, her wings can be heard flapping manically as she struggles but does manage to land on Edwards shoulder. He still reaches up to ruffle her head feathers though.
But yes, I have more questions to answer and no doubt I will have some for you this time Jonie, with what you want to know and what you left in that USB information wise. For the rest of Gotham, let it be known I'm only discussing this to elevate my boredom and not because I am sulking about being banned. Though it does seem that my Jonie will be joining us for this, stay quieter girl, most of Gotham do not appreciate your chatter as much as we do.
Now, let us get into this - no promises I'll take any calls tonight, you all know what you've done.

Also, not that you asked Jonie, which is rude by the way, we had a wonderful honeymoon after I last responded to you - even if the children and Ozzie ended up gatecrashing but honestly I’d have it no other way. Apparently we wouldn’t be a famous family in Gotham if we weren’t dysfunctional in some way but hey, we’re happy and dysfunctional.
Edward breaks out into soft laughs.
Hmm, now I really can’t be bothered do I do this in order or not? Ugh, I guess I’ll do them in order, though I am faintly horrified that I seem to have another very strange child in my life.
Okay, so Jonie has first put ‘Wait, Bat killed Black Mask? Holy shit, that's awesome!’

It can be heard Edward leaning back in the chair and Jonie the crow letting out another caw.

Edward Nygma: Yes child, Bat was in fact the very man who killed Black Mask - though needless to say a lot of people didn’t agree with you at first when it comes down to how awesome that is.

Jonathan Crane: Are you really gossiping because you’re not allowed to play this game?

Edward Nygma: You wound me Jonny, I’m not gossiping I’m answering questions and you’re just in time for this, our letter Jonie believes Bat killing Roman was awesome.

Jonathan breaks out into a deep chuckle, before the creek of a wheelchair as he comes further in the room.

Jonathan Crane: Well Edward still doesn’t quite see it like that but I am certainly still very touched he did it. Real shame we can’t repeat it on a Mr Luthor - who said that.

Edward once again breaks out into bright laughter at that comment.

Edward Nygma: We’ll blame Scarecrow for that one. Now shouldn’t you be getting back so you don’t end up getting thrown out of the round?

Jonathan Crane: I should, especially now Scarecrow is considering biting you for that comment. I am still surprised at how long it took for everyone to find out that Bat did kill Roman, though at least Bruce took it better than expected, though that might have also be Judge’s encouragement and the threat to lose cuddle privileges. Rumours have it that it was a sight to behold but I am sort of glad that it hasn’t happened again, for our Eddie’s sanity.

Edward Nygma: (Soft humming) With that I agree. Now scram, you also have what looks like half a barn stuck to the back of your wheelchair by the way.

Jonathan Crane: ( Voice quieter again as it’s clear he’s now facing away and further from the microphone now) That I am well aware, it seems Ichabod and Winnie were having some fun, I fear what my prosthetic will end up looking like when I put it back on tomorrow.

Edward Nygma: As long as they don’t mess up my paint job.

Jon’s laughing fades out as he rolls back out of the room to rejoin the others, despite the threat that was meant in all sincerity because Edward put so much effort into making it perfect for them.

Edward Nygma: Right, okay so I hope that was sort of question one answered for you Jonie. Bat did in fact murder Black Mask and we all support him for that - can’t lie that things aren’t better without that slimy waste of space existing in Gotham. Especially now our Bat’s considering reclaiming his gang and putting it to some good use with everything changing and going on, especially considering Jon’s retirement, I think it’s something to give him more casual Scarecrow activities that he can cope with now. Though this is a warning to all of you, Barbara helped with Jon’s wheelchair so man can that thing hurt if he wants it to, he simply ran my foot over the other day for being ‘too annoying’ and I think it might be broken.

Right, anyway we’ll move onto the next question. You’re asking about Red Hood’s sidekick, hu Jonie? Yeah she’s, she’s something.
Dubbed herself Red Robin and it’s been around three years now since she decided to turn up, though she’s one of the few that still has a secret identity so I am not going to drop that on something I am doing live - if you ever want to actually pop by and chat over your archaic letters you’ve returned to, well that’s fine by me.
Side stepping that one, how many kids does Batman have? Gods far too many for a single person and I’m saying that as someone who’s boyfriend now has sort of five depending on how things spin.
If we start with the children he inherited as robins stroke other vigilantes he took in as kids, we have six of them.
Those six do include one of his biological children, and then there’s the twins on top of that so we’re up to eight children.
So we then include his partner’s children? Because in that case Harvey brings in Duela and Harv brings in Tamsin which brings us up to ten of them. Though Lola sometimes teasingly jokes she’s sort of his kid too, and Selina and Talia have promised he gets to be honorary dads to their kids, much like how they’ve also kept claim of the twins as bonus mums.
Now please don’t tell me I’ve forgotten someone because I will not live that down.

His chair creaks as he leans back, soft muttering to himself as it seems he’s running through a list of names only just above his breath so not picked up by the microphone.

Edward Nygma: Yeah, so I think? That’s all of Bruce Wayne’s kids…

Jason Todd: Ew, we’re discussing Bruce’s hoard of kids.

Lola Falcone: (Blowing a raspberry) He’s got too many of them.

Edward Nygma: Wow, I am so glad that you two decided to bother me too, who even invited you to game night, Jason?

Jason Todd: Uh, my dad and my little sister? Or are you too distracted as just labelling me as Bruce’s and forgetting my bio-dad, rude Nygma, rude. Though from your mutter, I don’t reckon you can count Lola as part of his brood, but you could count Eddie, I know that’s his little brother but he goes full dad mode on anyone younger then him.

Lola Falcone: You were trying to count me? I guess I am his husband’s exes daughter… Yeah okay that’s a headache. Not as much as your entire family thing though Jason, sorry but you’re weirddddd.

She drags it on until there’s the sound of her gently being smacked.

Jason Todd: I will get you, your sister likes me better then she likes you anyway.

Edward Nygma: (Groaning) Now can both of you stop arguing and get back out of here, you were not invited. Plus, you could have at least turned up for the question about your own sidekick Jason.
Does mean I flip this question to you Jonie, how many children does your Batman have? I won’t assume across our universes that he is also Bruce Wayne, things can be different and if they’re not I assume he doesn’t want outing.
My final count for ours is ten.

Lola Falcone: Did you count Janus? Cause he 100% now sees Bruce and Harv as his dad.

Edward Nygma: Right, yes so it’s eleven. Now get out of here. I have more questions to ask, though how do you all seem to keep turning up when questions are related to you.

He gets no response as the pair now choose to scarper back out.

Edward Nygma: Yeah, I can’t even keep up with as many as Ed has brought into our lives, no clue how Bruce does that. Maybe it’s easier when three are biologically yours and another exists within the same body as your partners. That still only takes him down to seven more to account for.
Ugh anyway let's chose another one.
‘How many pets has robin adopted?’ I don’t know and there’s no way I should know that. I tend to avoid the Wayne mansion as often as possible because there’s just so much going on, but I would admit that he seems to have new ones every time I end up bumping into him, oh hang on I’m getting a text. Okay so apparently Waylon has been spending a lot of time with Damian, I mean Robin and he’s just got to beat Oswald at this round before coming in so I shouldn’t move onto the next question.
Maybe my Jonie can give us a song while we wait?

He waits a second before Jonie lets out a few happy caws before flying off of Edward’s shoulder to land heavily on the desk, hitting the microphone and leaving a rather loud thud echoing out into the recording. Especially as feathers ruffle but Edward reaches out a hand and softly strokes them to ensure that the birds okay.

Waylon Jones: ‘m ‘ere

A thud as Waylon hits the door frame in his excitement and a further one as his tail clips it as well.

Waylon Jones: Upon last count Robin had at least thirty pets, but quite a few are just temp-temp-temporary guests while they heal up.

Edward Nygma: (hums softly) Do I even want to ask why you and the little menace are hanging out?

Waylon Jones: The kids real nice, and he’s helping me with some of the classes I’ve picked up. Not to mention I’ve taken in a little flock of lost baby duckies and ‘es helping me to raise them until it’s safe for them to move on.

Edward Nygma: Right, I think we have slightly different definitions of nice. Oh there is another question you can answer about him here.
Okay so Jonie’s saying something about Robin having a floaty thing? Oh and if he’s just grumpy.

Waylon huffs slightly.

Waylon Jones: He comes off a little cold at first but hey, he grew up in a cult, I don’t blame ‘im for that. It’s hard being different from the general population too, but he’s certainly a lot friendlier now. ‘Nd I don’t know what he means by some floaty thing, do they mean like the supers? I know he’s real light on his feet so sometimes it feels a bit like he’s floating but he isn’t, not sure.
Now I think I need to head back unless you got any other questions I can answer, or if you’re joining us?

Edward Nygma: Can’t join you, I’m banned.

Waylon Jones: Come on now, you know you aint actually banned…

Edward Nygma: Have a good evening, Waylon.

He falls silent until the younger man’s claws can be heard walking back out of the room, and he lets out a rather dramatic laugh once he’s gone, though it seems fond.

Edward Nygma: Yeah, right not actually banned.
Okay so I don’t think you’re as big a fan as you’ve claimed Mr Jonie, as over a year ago now I had Talia on and I think it was painfully obvious then that the pair are a rather stunning but scary couple and it has become even more obvious since. I do wish them luck on the children front, kicking both of them back into wanting some after Selina was a surrogate for the twins. I assume from the way this is worded it means they are in your world too? If so, that is adorable.
Though, hmmm, maybe you’re not receiving these in order - are you perchance also time travelling my strange friend?
Now you want to know the rules on dating civilians? Well that’s not really my wheelhouse considering who I’m dating, well sort of not legally married to and luckily all my children are single. For our family we mostly in general, just stick to being safe and careful because we’re all pretty well known because it means people make assumptions and have agendas. 

Melina Wtorek: Wait, wait, wait, me, me, me!

Edward Nygma: Miss Tuesday, I am definitely convinced you are all listening. How can you help answer this one to Jonie then?

Melina Wtorek: I mean, I am dating Spoiler, idiot. Which means I have a direct in while not being a civilian myself, she’s explained that they just have to be careful - it’s allowed but they have to consider how long term they think the relationship will go before they confess. Like I mean I started dating her as Spoiler and it took us a good few months before she told me her identity but also told me that it was quicker than normal. That I got the benefit of knowing all of you lot. 

Edward Nygma: Did you just come to answer this to gush about your girlfriend?

Melina Wtorek: Partly, with that being said, Spoiler, love your new suit is stunning. Also I’ve managed to clear my calendar and I am down to join you and the others for the next girls night, I will bring the board games that survive tonight. Anyway I should be off, you can stop sulking and join us whenever you want as long as you actually follow the rules Eddie.

Edward Nygma: (Lets out a rather unimpressed huff) I did nothing wrong, anyway you should be scarpering then because Jonie left me one hell of a list of questions and I will not leave any of them unanswered.

Melina Wtorek: Suit yourself boss man, have fun.

As soon as she appeared, she’s gone again with no further words, even as Edward’s chair clearly groans as he turns to watch her go before facing back at the desk, leaning in to read off of the letter again.

Edward Nygma: You really didn’t hold back with all of these questions this time around, I am firmly going to have to leave you with some more.
Okay here’s another easy one you’ve asked, Have I met Signal.
Now, there have been spreading rumours of a strange young man going by that name around Gotham and I must confess some of us rogues have started a betting pool over which Bat is going to end up picking him up and taking him in… oooof.

Edward is broken off with a groan as he’s hit in the face by something soft.

Edward Nygma: Who?
Oh, hi Eddie. Why may I ask have you hit me in the face with one of - is this Ichabod’s scarf? 

Ichabod Keeny: Yeah it is, and you deserved it.

Voice is soft as the pair stay in the doorway rather than entering the room.

Edward Pennyworth-Crane: Neither of us are just taking in another potential vigilante love. If you’re putting money on any of the Colony honestly, I have it on Jason or Dick. He may have claimed he’s moved to Bludhaven but he turns up far too often for that.
Also while I know your microphone can hear me, everyone needs to know that the Riddler is not banned from Game Night - we have simply requested that he stops shuffling in a second deck of cards to both drag all the games out and give him an advantage with the knowledge that the second deck has been added.

Ichabod Keeny: It meant you won every round last time we played and you got far more of the prizes than deserved.

Edward Nygma: Well, you should just all get better at the games then.

One of the doorway folk groans at that.

Edward Pennyworth-Crane: Well you are better at all of them anyway, which just makes it unfair over an advantage, love. When me and Ichabod get back to the table, I really would love for you to join us.

Edward Nygma: Are you sure? I thought…

Ichabod Keeny: He said he wants you there, so finish up your questions so you’re there in time.

There’s the sound of footsteps quickly walking into the room, before a muffled clear kiss to the forehead and the footsteps leaving once again. A faded call as both pairs of footsteps now retreat from the room.

Edward Pennyworth-Crane: You have around ten minutes, please.

Edward Nygma: Right, well then we should continue these a little faster then and I’ll get out the questions I remember, no doubt Edward will send Alouette up if I don’t show up - I think it’s cruel to use an eleven-year-old like that because of course I can’t say no to her desperate little face as she asks for me. Now Jonie these two I’m mixing together.
I am unsure if we have a set contingency in place for cross-dimensional hijinks as I must admit that I do not believe - apart from yourself - that these have happened before. Though with that stupid Justice League deciding to come medel with Batman and Bat well I have a horrible feeling you might end up not being our only cross-dimensional hijinks in our life. Though I’m sure that we can all come up with many plans if that ends up coming to place, and well, I’m sure that Bruce might already have something, he’s weird enough to.

Now you’ve asked about Gotham’s favourite offerings. Now many laugh about this but I do subscribe to the idea that our cursed little city might be a little more sentient then a city is meant to be. From what I have gathered, alongside those other few who think the same, she seems to just enjoy anything that is given with heart.
So the idea that you’re leaving gifts for her in the first place should be appeasing enough to her, she will probably be content to correct either of us if this is wrong in any way. 

Anyway, you want to know about the kid in the bunny ears, hu?
Well that is Winnie Cobblepot, beloved youngest of Oswald’s and Jervis’ sort of partner in crime. Did you know she is one of the few who gets the claim of having successfully stabbed Batman? Sparkler right through and into his armour, oh how I wish I could have been there, Jervis said it was such a hoot and it also seemed to really make him fond of her. Not that I can blame him, she’s managed to squirm her way into the hearts of everyone she’s ended up around, even if she is an awful cheat at games because it is not fair for her to use her father’s cards as well. Jason isn’t allowed to do so so I’m not sure how or why she thinks she can get away with it.

There’s once again the sounds of more footsteps approaching and entering the room, a creek as someone leans against the chair with a soft giggle - Edward lets out a soft and fond hum before pausing. Watching her sign.

Edward Nygma: Okay Jonie, Winnie wants me to clarify that she’s eighteen now, making her a grown adult and that her using her dad isn’t cheating no matter what I say. Okay now she’s trying to claim I’m ablest, no love signing is not cheating I know and I’m not trying to claim that. What I am claiming is you have your father so wrapped around your little finger, she will just show you her deck if you asked.

Edward pauses to read more of Winnie’s signs.

Okay yes, well I love you too I am not saying some of that live on air. Oh but you have a question for Jonie?
Okay Jonie, Winnie wants to know first off if you know sign? It is one of the first questions she asks everyone to be honest. And she wants clarification, I’m not sure when she got to hear the tape you left, I’m guessing snooping - she wants to know is it true that your Oswald also has a child. Oh okay and if your Oswald is also genderfluid?
Now I think that’s enough questions from you young lady, but I think you can agree with me that the answer from Jonie’s final questions is yes, Jason and Oswald would both be in the market for syndactyly friendly gloves.

An almost chirping like laugh escapes from the girls lips.

Yes I am coming Winnie.
Now Jonie, I’ve already asked you some throughout so sorry for that and there's the ones Winnie wanted to know but I have had one itching question on my mind. Things are clearly different, we don’t have a you, but does your universe’s Alfred Pennyworth have any family?
Also how does your Red Robin feel about the fact that his name has been taken by a far cooler young lady that I am a little afraid of?
Also um, can I get any explanation about Malcolm and his hyena or is that a puzzle that’s going to have to keep bothering me?
Anyway, I hope you are having a good, whatever time it is now. Winnie has stolen my Jonie and is trying to pull my arm off to get me to join her at Game Night. If you do not hear from me again, assume the reassurances were wrong and that I was banned from date night and now they have decided to murder me because of the fact.

So goodnight Gotham, good whatever Jonie.
I’m going to see if I can join Alouette’s team.

Chapter Text

The room they’re sat in is nice, though the recording software is clearly out of place, a package sits currently unopened and sat on the table as well. Even as three chairs are pulled up and three people take claim, two adults and a teen, a teen who seems to debate and pulls the chair closer to one, closer to Jason who know reaches out to pick up the parcel, turning it over in his hands despite his symbol on it and name clearly written there.

Edward Nygma: Good morning, Gotham, I know I should be catching the rest of you Bats while you’re still running around but as we know today is a special one. The Early hours of August 16th.

He purrs out, in full character, before there’s the sound of ripping paper and a joyous gasp before a book is being flicked through, a sound of impress slipping out of the child as well.

Edward Nygma: As I was saying, today is a special one because it is our dear, undead Jason’s birthday! Many cheers to him for having rejoined us in the world of the living, and before you get your knickers in a bunch Batman, this is only going out live to the people who know which is probably still more people than you’d like. Before you have kittens, go hang out with Harvey or something, or at least hand them over to Selina. (He breaks out into laughter at his own jokes.)

Ichabod Pennyworth: Come on Eddie, you’re getting distracted. You said a special friend of yours has questions for Jay and if you don’t get to them now, he’s going to get distracted by the coded notes.

Jason Todd: You aren’t allowed near these Nygma, you don’t even appreciate Jane Eyre.

Edward Nygma: I really don’t see why I’d need to, but yes, my special friend - and yes Bat, my love, my special friend I’ve stolen him from you his last letters have been to me after all.
Now I need to emphasise these are all from him so don’t complain if they are obvious, there’s a lot of them so I feel like asking you a couple at once, I assume you can cope with that in your mind? (His tone comes out in a lilt of sarcastic fondness)

Jason Todd: Watch your tongue Nygma, I’m only doing this for Jackdaw and well the fact it lets my dad do whatever he needed that meant he tossed me out of the Lounge after it clicked to midnight and because the others are busy. Honestly if it weren’t for the kid (He pauses in speech and it’s to actually ruffle the kid’s hair) I’d be off bothering Dick - I might still get there in time if I leave now.

Edward Nygma: Okay, okay settle down. We probably shouldn’t be fighting because i do not want to end back up in Arkham for annoying you - there are far better ways that I can annoy you after all but it is your birthday so I’ll hold back. Yes, I have brought you a gift too, and not just because I was bullied into it.
Anyway questions from Jonie.
Do you have a cat allergy and what’s the most embarrassing thing that’s happened on patrol?

Jason Todd: (He hums for a moment) I don’t have a cat allergy but I am allergic to dog dander, it’s fine in most cases but if they don’t stay brushed or bathed frequently enough, I start to get a stuffy noise - it might also spread to cats but I don’t really spend enough time around them. I love Selina and all but especially since Talia arrived, far too much going on there.
Most embarrassing patrol happenings huh? Well, there’s the time Dick was showing off that he could still do all his circus skills, and while it was certainly an excellent flip, it did send him straight into Harley and then a wall. Split his lip and it bled really bad and he tried to lie to Bruce he got in a fight and it was so very obvious it didn’t happen, Babs caught it on camera and it was wonderful, when he gets too big for his britches I bribe her into circling it again.

Ichabod Pennyworth: Oh oh! Dad also still talks about the time he was out with Damian not long after he arrived and Uncle Bruce didn’t want to go out, and he saw you and you were so furious you’d ran out of bullets you tossed your gun at the goon you’d bumped into. Then, then it bounced off of him and hit you in the face and you passed out because of it.

Ichabod chimes in with a giggle and it earns a wheezing snort slip out of Nygma’s throat and a hiss from Jason.

Jason Todd: Thank you so much for including that one.

Edward Nygma: I’m certainly thanking you, kiddo. I’m sure Jonie will appreciate that one, now hmm let’s pair these; how did you come back to life and if someone shot you in the head, would you stay dead? He and honestly, I will clarify that this isn’t a threat.

Jason Todd: Honestly? Not sure, woke up and clawed my way out of my own grave is about all I know, bruised and in pain and a few more scars than I used to have. Things get a bit blurry after that, I left Gotham and things stayed foggy and some things left my head and others came back clearer after a while, not something I’d suggest anyone do personally. Also, I don’t know, hey Icky should we try and see if I’d survive getting shot in the head?

Ichabod Pennyworth: No! I am not risking losing you again Jason, and I’ll make you speak to someone about your feelings if you try.

Jason snorts but still leans in, causing a bunch of rustling cloths as he tugs the child up against him.

Jason Todd: Alright, Jackdaw, we won’t try it. I do reckon that I heal a bit faster than others now but uuuh considering my main judgement is Mr ‘I hide all my wounds ever’ and Mr ‘the bat is in my DNA as well as name now’ it’s not the best. Dick’s always been able to bounce back from wounds faster than it feels like he should.

Edward Nygma: I reckon that Dick could just bounce away from getting the wounds in the first place, I swear when he first got himself out on the streets he’d bounce away from most of the punches thrown his way, possibly cursed circus skills of his. 

Jason Todd: He refuses to look into it in anyway, but I would not be surprised if it turns out he’s a meta in some way or another.
Ick, you do not need to raise your hand right now, what’s your say?

Ichabod Pennyworth: I just wanted to add I saw Dick fall from the mansion roof and then get up as if it didn’t happen, he bribed me with fresh fruit to not tell anyone but I was like 7 at the time so I feel like the statue of limits are up on that.
There’s a snort from one of the adults.

Jason Todd: And you have been spending far too long with Judge, or has it been Two-Face? Either way, maybe get some better adult friends. (It’s laughed out lightly)

Edward Nygma: Well, that's certainly a fact that I’m going to bother Nightwing about if I can pin him down on record for anything, really, I think it’s easier to get answers out of Damian then him. You think I’d be able to finally guilt him with those wounds he gave me as a tiny robin but nope, he’s just being totally useless about being able to bribe me with things.
Now, more questions because I do not want this cut off because you’re stolen for actual birthday celebrations.
What’s your thoughts on if you were to date someone - wow, little personal there Jonie. Dang, that’s a flush there Jason.

Jason Todd: (nervous laugh) I don’t really know what you’re talking about Nygma, did Ed actually have you ask this one, I know he keeps eyeballing me for some of the evenings I’ve had to cancel on him.

Ichabod Pennyworth: You don’t need to admit anything you don’t want to, Jay.

Jason Todd: I know, kiddo.
Fine for this friend of yours, who right now I think might actually just be a question from my family, who do not know boundaries. I may or may not be currently seeing someone in a possibly romantic manner, we have not labelled it yet and I will not confess who it is. (His voice drops, only just audible to the microphone) Plus I’m worried my dad might actually try to murder them and I do really like him.
(His voice raises again, as he tries to brush off his flushing face)
Can I have another question now please, Nygma.

Edward Nygma: Of course, here’s a silly one for you. On a scale of 1 to 10, how gross is it to drink milk out of the jug.

Ichabod Pennyworth: (groaning) Here we go.

Jason Todd: Well, it really depends on who shares the milk jug, at the mansion ew no gross, too many mouths. In my own hideouts fine, it’s just me, if Ed’s coming over I’ll get a new one with his name on it - yes Icky I have fed you spit milk, deal with it, you threw up on me so many times and fed me saliva covered fruit it’s karma even years later. Basically, if I’m sharing it with anyone then no, please don’t do that but, well…
(He stammers again and goes a smidge pinker)
Okay there is someone else who will just chug milk from the jug, will also chug my fruit juice because and I quote ‘it’s quicker than getting a glass Jay, don’t want my saliva I’ll just keep it’. Which means I sort of put up with still pouring out of those jugs of milk because it’s really not worth the money to keep replacing them every time, because of course he doesn’t wait until I’m low near the end but rather they wait until I’ve just brought a new jug. I’d say it’s spite but I’ve seen their own activities at home so clearly not.

Edward Nygma: How the hell have you made it to 29 with hygiene like that?

Jason Todd: Well – it did take me a second attempt and the universe helping out – ow.

Ichabod Pennyworth: Please stop joking about your death, or I will open my mouth about who I’ve seen going into your apartment more often.

Jason Todd: Okay, we’re moving to a next question please Nygma
(There’s a chirp from his phone)
Yeah, okay so they’re not getting to turn up on your stupid radio show, so we need to hurry this up, people are already starting to target me for my birthday - desperately hope I can nape between them coming over and then no doubt Ozzie calling me back into the lounge.

Edward Nygma: Okay rude, but I will try not to take that personally because it is your birthday, just maybe don’t expect a Christmas or thirtieth birthday gift from me, gosh that makes me so old.
Okay pairing these three up because it’s basically the same thing - man you’re nosey about this Jonie.
Do you still have a gang thing? If so, do you have a Larry, Moe and Curly? I am assuming that’s a deliberate reference to the three Stooges, would make very little sense if it wasn’t. Also, he wants to know if you’ve got a favourite goon?

Jason Todd: Who is he, Talia? Anyway yeah, much to Bruce’s huff I do still have my gang but then Eddie ended up getting his own so he can’t complain and yeah, I don’t miss Roman in any way, my gang’s its own thing. Sure we’re not quite like the normal ones that function around here but then they act very differently to most gangs anywhere else; mostly I use them to keep the people around here safer than anything else, and make it easier for people who want or need anything illegal to get it in a cleaner manner.
If it’s just a three Stooges reference then I have more than a couple, but can’t say that there’s any I’ve labelled as that, honestly far too many of them are just ‘hey you’ to me. There’s a reason a lot of you rogues have minimal goons or you just have a group name for all of it, no clue how dad does it honestly - you know he can name every single person who works for them?
(He shakes his head and fidgets with the book on his lap)
Also I don’t have a favourite one, mostly because if I say I do then I know they’ll end up disappointing me.

Ichabod Pennyworth: What about that curly haired man?

As Ichabod says it a strange spluttering noise comes out of Jason’s throat and nose at the same time. Fingers tighten around his new book as if it’s going to ground him into right now and ignore what the child’s brought up, and oh it makes Nygma run with ideas.

Jason Todd: He is not one of my goons.
(It comes out of slightly snapping but then offers a hand out to the kid to show he’s not as mad as he’s coming off just through the recording as he sighs heavily.)
Antonio is not one of my goons, but I guess if he was he would be my favourite one, but he’s got far more power and ability then to work under me. He’s more like his own thing, I don’t really want to go into it on a line that I know Bruce will be listening in to, can’t have him arresting folks on my birthday after all.
Why don’t we move onto questions that aren’t going to get people sent to Arkham, aye Nygma?

Edward Nygma: Yes, I get that is a good plan. There’s just a couple left here then we’ll be clearing out so you can maybe get some sleep today, if not I’m sure it’s fine if you nap when you come around to ours, with Alfred planning you a big dinner it’s not like it’s a problem if you miss lunch even if Edward and Jon are wonderful chiefs especially together. Though I do wonder how you’re getting through all the meals everyone wants to cook you?

Jason Todd: I’ve made Oz hold off to feed me tomorrow and then I have that evening planned with a few of the guys that are not Bat approved – going to hang out with the other bat boys at the weekend for a night out. Honestly have less friends, that’s what I’ve learnt from all of this.
(He breaks off into light laughter)

Edward Nygma: A week of fun it seems, yeah you’re going to crash after that. Anyway, second to last question from Jonie.
Who do you see as a parent figure?

Ichabod Pennyworth: Who doesn’t he see is a parent figure?

Jason Todd: Wow rude, you’ve not even given me a present yet. This is a complicated on though to be honest, Jonie, that’s what you’ve said his name is.
Well Bruce is the one who adopted me though it’s always been a little weird cause despite Dick being closer to them in age he just didn’t quite give dad to me. I guess Edward sort of did more, he admitted he’s the one who decided to ‘keep me’ as he put it, but we only had a decade between us exactly so he’s more like my older brother who parents me when mum and dad are gone.
Shout out to Alfred though, firmly not a parent figure but a grandad figure. Taught me so many skills I needed though, and helped me appreciate a good book even more than I already did before hand, as well as homework being as important as being in school.
There’s also Oswald but like she’s actually my dad. It took, it took a little while for me to realise this was fine, that the time it took for us to both know this didn’t mean we couldn’t still have it if we wanted and yeah, firmly made easier when Winnie was brought in. Hard for my brain to say I can’t call them dad when my little sister is calling me brother and zem dad in the same breath. 

Ichabod Pennyworth: Mr Jonie should really have asked who Jason sees as a sibling figure, oh there are so many circles in that with in many senses both me and my dad would fall under that. Might be because apparently toddler me took one look at our new family member and clung to him.

Jason Todd: You threw up on me and then wouldn’t let go. I was kidnapped by some weird bat furries and then entrusted to the care of a baby, you. Honestly it was the strangest time of my life and you were the least weird element of it so I let it happen.
(There’s a warm lilt to his tone)

Edward Nygma: Oh yeah so you two are gross.
So glad there’s only one question left so I can get out of here, plus getting you back to bed Ichabod because I am not facing the wraith of your dads’ because you’ve not ended up sleeping. 

Jason Todd: You’re the one who brought him over, like isn’t Lola staying at the mansion right now?

Ichabod Pennyworth: I refused to let him leave without me, actually Jay. Also, Lola’s at one of the hideouts with father and Waylon, she doesn’t really like travelling Gotham at night still which I don’t blame her for, she’s still realising that she can really trust us.

Edward Nygma: My point, you try to say no to someone who manages to combine the stubborn of both a Pennyworth and a Crane, oh wait, you don’t need to because you grew up with him. Anyway, the last question is as follows and please, I believe this is a very serious one.
(He giggles lightly, it stops any of them from noticing that the front door has been unlocked and someone else has stepped into the apartment.)
If you were turned into a worm, how’d you feel about it?

Jason Todd: (groans deeply) Oh come on! This has to be a kid, who is this kid who can both get me a perfect birthday present then ask me about being a worm?
There are some serious and nosey questions and then this? Maybe I passed out a while ago and this is just all in my head, who brought today’s tea, you didn’t stop by with Jervis before now, right?

??: I’d still love you if you were a worm, birdie.

The voice seems to catch them all by surprise, a groan echoes through the recording as Nygma accidentally bats it against the table as they turn to look.

Jason Todd: (mumbling) Well I guess I’d be fine if I was a worm then, but only if I’m looked after and not fed to any birds. Now get out of here you two, firmly over stayed your welcome but yes, thank your new friend for my present but not his weird ass selection of questions.

Edward Nygma: Aren’t you going to introduce us to your new friend? I swear I recognise him from somewhere…

Jason’s footsteps can be heard echoing around the room, as he practically grabs the other man by the collar of his shirt and shoves him towards the kitchen before reappearing and gesturing the pair sat towards the door.

Jason Todd:(His voice comes out quieter because of his distance from the microphone) Nope, you do not know him, he’s not even meant to be here yet because he was texting me before he arrives and not letting themself in. I will see you both later anyway.

Edward Nygma: Oh, come on, you can’t leave me with another mystery.

Ichabod Pennyworth: We’ll leave you to it and remind Uncle Bruce and Oswald that it’s your birthday so you should have a day off of being questioned, come on Nygma we need me in bed before dad gets back and remembers just how early it’s gotten.

Edward Nygma: Noo, but more questions, plea…

The radio stream is cut dead, from one child reaching over and pressing the button to stop it from being live, though the recording for the child that has requested this is still running – a safety measure that Nygma’s set up to ensure the time and dimension traveller actually gets his responses.

Edward Nygma: I swear I know him though, like more than just in passing and certainly isn’t from you swinging around places with him. Why would you hide a friend, Jason?

Ichabod Pennyworth: Come on, just get it packed up or Jason won’t swing by later then you’ll have dad grumpy with you. He’s allowed some secrets; you don’t need to know everything that Gotham has going on even if you really want to.

Edward Nygma: (fingers snapping) Wait, he’s Karlo’s kid, isn’t he? The - he’s becoming a crime lord, isn’t he?

Jason Todd: (voice raising a little more) Just get out, Nygma! And don’t, don’t bring any of this up to my family or I am going to have the worst birthday, worse than you know, the time I was dead and not with my family.

There’s laughter echoing through from the kitchen before the recording too now goes dead, though Jason’s reaction seems to have worked as enough of a yes as needed for Edward at the very least even as Ichabod urges him out. Jason would be madder if he didn’t know his family was already like this and if he didn’t also already expect something to like this to happen with him trying to see someone without them knowing. His family has fingers throughout Gotham in different ways, it’s just a matter of time but hey, it’s his 29th birthday and he’s already holding one gift, he’s going to enjoy it.
Though Edward is luckily gone fast enough to not hear the teasing lilt of the other man as Jason enters the kitchen, as he smiles about being the favourite goon even if he’s not actually one.

Chapter Text

A soft sigh can be heard as the line goes live. Riddler Radio has been far more frequent, if not that serious at the moment mostly because it’s been a long four months already since the Riddler decided he was going to stay in Arkham to actually get some treatment – does mean he’s been gifted this cell version of his set up.

Edward Nygma: Good evening to those in Gotham that I care so much about, and any others who are listening into this, I guess. It’s been another, at least boring, day within Arkham today. Food was less then subpar but hey, my meds were strawberry flavoured today and that was incredibly inoffensive. Guards if you’re listening, I will graffiti your house when I get out if you decide to use that information to not give me them again, trust when I say you’d rather I happily take my medication then to try and force me into it.
Now, happy things, hmm what happy things – there isn’t all that much to report but I have been rereading the letters you’ve given me, my loves and from you little Jackdaw. Tell Winnifred I appreciated her drawings and I am sure to swing by to see Oswald’s newest hatchlings when I am free. I am also still limping through even if I would rather breakout then listen to Jeramiah drawl on again but I made a promise so here I am even if there is so much I would rather be doing right now.
Oh I miss you just being able to snuggle on a sofa – and work on my riddles and plans – oh I’m so ready to get back and finish my miniature house after this.

There’s a muffled banging against the wall.

Edward Nygma: (Voice Raised a little) Oh hush, you’re getting to hear me first hand, it’s not like we’re anywhere near lights out and it’s certain you’ve got nothing better going on in there.
(Lowering back to a normal volume)
Oh great, now I can’t remember where I was! I do wonder if this is going to be worth it in the end, to stay in here and get help when I could just blink lovingly at some of my doctorated rogues to help but promises have been made so here I am and you get to listen to me so much more.

???: Oh will you please tone it down with your radio show.
Muffled from across a hallway.

Edward Nygma: Oh, Pamela my dear! I didn’t realise you were moved in opposite me.
(The sound of his footsteps carry as he clearly brings the set up to the very edge of his cell to pick her up better, though it’s still going to be a little muffled.)
You know, the fans have been fawning for your attention.

Poison Ivy: Now I highly doubt that, Edward.

Edward Nygma: No, it’s true. I was even allowed to bring some of my lists in for rogues I’ve not been able to convince to join my show and I know I have yours right here.
Please, just answer a few questions and it can keep us both entertained until lights out.

Poison Ivy: Will this give me time off my sentence?

Edward Nygma: Well, no…

Poison Ivy: And you’re not planning a breakout so it doesn’t even mean you’ll be bringing me with you.

Edward Nygma: Oh, please Pamela, don’t be like that. (He sighs) Look I know Harley will be listening which means I’ll let you talk about her, we can have some wonderful sapphic flirting on the channel too, I’m sure that could bring me a bigger audience.

Poison Ivy: You’re not going to leave me alone until I agree to this, are you?

Edward laughs, though it breaks out into a slight strained cough he tries to cover over.

Edward Nygma: Nope, I’m bored, you’re clearly bored so we might as well entertain ourselves together with this and give the people some answers they’ve truly craved. Also, I guess it can count as one of those favours you owe me, plus you get to tell me to fuck off if there’s any questions you really don’t want to answer but I will get the guards here with a hissy fit if you say that about all of them. Have some fun Pamela, let your hair down and solve us some mysteries people have truly been craving.

Poison Ivy: Fine, but only if it’s one of the bigger favours. (Her volume drops but the quality of the mic just picks it up) At least this will be better then solving some of your god forsaken riddles. The fact you have two boyfriends really shows how men have no taste having been able to look past that.

There’s the shuffling of paper that overlays it a little bit, as Edward hunts for the questions he has that he’s been given for Poison Ivy, only regrets he’s not going to be able to get any fresh questions in for this but it’s better then nothing and leaves him one step closer to being able to get all of the birds of prey on.

Edward Nygma: And I’ve found it. I’m just going to start with the oldest first because some of these really have been sitting in here for a long while, you should feel bad, people have paid to get some of these to me and you’re making me seem like a scammer.
Anyway, let’s get on with question one before you change your mind on me.
The people wish to know, what is Poison Ivy’s favourite plant?

Poison Ivy: That would be like asking which of those children you can have claim over is your favourite, Edward. Of course I have preferences for plants that have more uses but also those that are just pretty. If I had to choose a plant I would always lean towards having if I had to narrow it down, it would probably be a blue or red Delphinium.
(The Mic picks up Edward giggling at that)
And what, may I ask is so funny about that, Edward?

Edward Nygma: Oh, nothing much, just that it so happens to be the two favourite colours of and birth month flower of a certain Dr Quinzel. Now don’t look at me like that Pamela, I have vast knowledge and Eddie is quite fond of floral language and I like to buy him a bouquet every so often and when you’re contending with Oswald, something just off of the shelf isn’t going to work.
It’s sweet though, imagine that, you sweet, we know you’re core is actually just as lovely as the outer display of the plants you adore.
Hmm this question is actually from a friend of mine, you wouldn’t know him, what are your opinion of chemical fertilisers?

Poison Ivy: Well, you see that really depends on the type, Edward. Plenty of my own would be considered that, but there is different between mass produced ones that can cause harm to the environment by overly altering the plant DNA and speed at what it grows – to those designed to help and encourage a plant as an extra booster.
It’s like pesticide some chemical ones are okay, but certainly not the ones company’s like to use and sell, it’s all in balance and moderation. Not to mention what I create, well that has some extra benefits to the plants and are moderated to suit each of them to what they need the most at that point in time.
Of course I would encourage all general denizens of Gotham to try and do it naturally if they want to fertilise their plant to help their growth because it’s less likely for them to make mistakes that could hurt their plants that way. Though if you need to fertilise your plant purely to keep it alive, well then that’s a problem you’ve caused and you probably shouldn’t be keeping your plant, try putting it in a bigger pot first and then talking to your local gardener – this is Gotham, you will find one who knows how to help.
Now, I believe you have more questions for me still, at least these first ones have been reasonable for your lot, Edward.

She does not miss the shit eating grin Edward gives her now if the faintly unimpressed snort that comes out of her means anything.

Edward Nygma: A lot of my listeners are highly intelligent thank you very much, and yes that is including my boyfriends.
Now this question, I’m sure you’re going to love this question.
Have you ever just made a plant grow massive so you can nap in it’s flowers like a pretty, pretty princess? (His tone drops into a teasing lilt)

Poison Ivy: I’m not sure I’m actually going to justify that question with a response, Edward – you know I am a well-respected and feared rogue thanks. I do not need to nap in a flower like a pretty princess and I am not a pretty princess at that – occasionally I do sit on my plants but it is far more comfortable for me and them to not sleep on a singular one.

Edward Nygma: Wow, no need to get so grumpy about it, you don’t sleep like a pretty princess, what a disappointment.

Poison Ivy: Well for you maybe, though I would much rather sleep on my plants then in this cell, it’s so stuffy and I swear they ensure they get the most uncomfortable cots possible and somehow these blankets are both too hot and too cold all at the same time. They’re also too itchy but at the right angle for about ten minutes they’re not.

Edward Nygma: Tell me about it – trying to steal a spare jacket is the way to go, while it won’t be clean enough, it’s better then the sensory nightmare that is Arkham’s blankets.
Now look, it’s getting close to lights out and I have one more question left, this hasn’t been as painful as you thought it would be now, has it?

Poison Ivy: I guess not, do not expect me to just join another one of these because you want to though.

There’s a huffing groan from someone else further down the corridor, possibly the same person who was banging on the wall before but there’s no real way to tell.

Poison Ivy: And you can shut it, else I’ll make sure the guards swap our cells and you get to be the next one to entertain Edward and his evening fancies, he’s in here for the long haul.

Edward Nygma: I am unsure if I should say thank you or be offended. Maybe a bit of both.
Now, a hyena I know has asked, do bees mistake you for a flower?

Poison Ivy: A real hyena…?

Edward Nygma: Semantics, now really? It’s one more question Pamela.

Poison Ivy: Fine – and yes in a sense that others would see this as being the case. The bees do not fully mistake me for flowers but they know I can provide them the extra pollen that they need when they’re desperate which I often like to do. Some idiots assume I do not like insects but most are incredibly beneficial to plants and thus I provide them with their boon if and when it’s needed.
I must admit it’s also fun to be able to hold the bumblebees and their fuzzy little selves, though convincing others not to pet them is less then fun. I control plants, not bees, do not think just because an insect is being fond with me they will be fond with you.

Edward Nygma: Now, that is fascinating, I assume they also flock to the flowers within your hair when they are able to bloom fully.
…
See, this is why we should talk more Pamela I always learn new things to log away when we talk and that, that I truly appreciate.

Poison Ivy: Yes, well I guess you are less obnoxious and easier to be around when you’re not just spouting riddles the whole time.

??: Lights out in five!

Edward Nygma: Rats, looks like this is it for the night then. Good night, Gotham, good night my dears I am following my rules and instructions so hopefully we might be able to get a visit in soon, if dear old Jim decides to be kind to me.
Any chance you wish to say good night to anyone Pamela?

Poison Ivy: Yes, I shall wish you good night, Harley and you too Selina, I assume you’re roped into listening to this sometime. I promise I will be out of here far sooner then our riddle friend and faster than the cops would appreciate.

Edward cracks out into laughter

Edward Nygma: Well, there you have it, good night Gotham, Poison Ivy will be back to plague you soon enough. Also feel free to send in more questions for her, I have finally gotten her once and I will get her gain – trust I am willing to sacrifice all of my favours for this.

Chapter Text

This stream is a little iffier then normal, clear that the Riddler has gotten some sort of portable set up which is why it’s lower quality – this has also been extracted from the middle of an episode rather than from the start.

Edward Nygma: Oh, Oh Ozzie!

Oswald Cobblepot: (sighs) Hello Nygma, how my I be of assistance for you today, you appear to have a ploy going on.

Edward Nygma: When do I not have a ploy going on? Though needless to say, yes I do have a bigger one going on in the background, no I have come to see you because I adore you and your club and everything about it.

Oswald Cobblepot: Uh hu. That’s a microphone you’re holding isn’t it – this is for your silly little radio show isn’t it?
(Edward giggles slightly while nodding his head.)
Well, I guess I can’t say no if you’d like to interview me for it – even if the others have told me that the questions you receive are often pretty rubbish.

Edward Nygma: Ouch, that’s rude maybe I don’t want you on if you’re going to act like that.

Despite this, it can still be heard that Oswald is pulling up a chair to join Edward at the table.

Edward Nygma: Though I must admit a lot of these questions are rubbish some are very good, there’s probably the benefit that we all already know just how cool you are.

Oswald Cobblepot: Suck up.

Edward Nygma: That I might be, that’s so you’re not mad at me later when I’ve given you all the most annoying questions. Now listen in people, we’re live here at the Iceberg Lounge with the wonderful Oswald Cobblepot so bring me your questions for him – keep them sensible though because we all know what else they’re like.
I think I do have a pre-existing log here though, ah yes here’s a good old one.
Oswald the people crave to know; Do you have goons who’s whole job is just bird care?

Oswald Cobblepot: Well, they’re not goons, mostly because I’m not a rogue anymore people – if you remember that I know it’s not been all that long but even before then I’d hardly call them goons. My birds are a passion, why I still have so many but unfortunately, I just have one pair of hands so I do require assistance. In that case, they are all others with a passion or willing to learn about the birds I own, especially when it comes down to my beloved penguins at that and a good handful of them are actually ex-zoo workers or students who realised I could offer them far more money and the ability to care for the animals to the best levels outside of the wild.
I am actually currently looking for a new keepers anyway if any of your listeners are after a new or additional career, Edward.

Edward Nygma: Oooh, advertising on my own show – you have guts Oswald I give you that,

Oswald Cobblepot: Of course I do.
Though I did used to give goons some roles that involved my birds and this is because I found a perfect punishment for those who had been irritating but not really something you could shoot them for, was to clean after them. There really is something to be said when it comes down to watching some buff man who thinks he’s all that and can hold a decent one against Batman having to scrub the floor where the birds have decided they want to poo in one specific spot that they’re not allowed.
It’s like you and your riddles, I know you’d not allow your general goons to do them but they do the boring bits that you’d really rather not do.

Edward Nygma: You make them take their shirts off to do that too, or is that only a sometimes request?
I jest, I jest – though seriously, I assume you use it as an excuse to really eye up those that are far more brawn than brain.

Oswald Cobblepot: I’m not saying anything further on the matter.

Edward Nygma: Okay, okay we’ll move onto the next question then – and I guess people of Gotham who are listening, if any of you like birds and wish to be employed come try your luck at the Iceberg Lounge.
Now I’ve got a good handful of questions already – and you’re free to ditch me if you end up having something more important to do…

Oswald Cobblepot: I’m free for the evening, Edward, plus I enjoy talking with you and maybe letting some more people know about who I am now with my reformation.

Edward Nygma: I feel you’re going to regret saying that to me. Anyway, our next question is a curious one. Have you banned anyone from the Iceberg Lounge?

Oswald Cobblepot: (A soft, honking laugh) I assume whoever’s asked this can’t be much more then a child themselves, I run a business so of course I’ve banned people, more then I can count and I often leave it up to the digression of some of my managers too when it comes to trouble-makers. Though I assume they are also referring to people who matter within Gotham and the answer is technically not.
Gotham’s own vigilantes used to be heavily discouraged from coming along but now I welcome them to show that I’m just a regular citizen using my money and sway for good. There’s also some of the gangs, I heavily encourage the Maroni’s and Falcones not to come over but they also agree that they see no need in coming to my own place of business when they have their own.

Edward Nygma: So, there’s not a single rogue or celebrity that you refuse to let step foot within the Iceberg?

Oswald Cobblepot: Well, I guess…

Edward Nygma: Oh, please do not leave us in suspense, there is defiantly someone you’ve banned, isn’t there?

Oswald Cobblepot: Fine, fine. There is one person who I can’t outright say I’ve banned but I will swiftly see him out as soon as he enters because I see no reason in him stepping foot into my fine establishment.
Edward’s chair can be heard creaking as he leans forward and Oswald chuckles once more.
It’s not exciting Edward, it’s Roman Sionis. Very few establishments not ran by the man himself appreciate him within their walls.

Edward Nygma: You’re right, that’s not very exciting and I agree, Black Mask sucks and I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with him ever – he also should not be listening into this and if anyone who works for him is, well I’m sorry you suck almost as much.
Now, another question for our dearest proprietor here and guys come on, I got excited and thought you were actually going to be asking her stuff that’s on subject to you know, owning Gotham’s most famous – actually I’m not overly sure what the Iceberg Lounge falls under other then it’s own name but that is not to slander you Oz.
I just, ugh – this user wants to know if you can talk to birds.

Oswald Cobblepot: Akin to how Ivy speaks to her plants?

Edward Nygma: Well, I’d assume so.

Oswald Cobblepot: In that case then, yes. What’s the next question Edward?

Edward Nygma: Right, well a hyena friend of mine wanted to…
Wait.
Did you just say yes?

Oswald Cobblepot: I did, is there a problem with that?

Edward Nygma: No- no problem Ozzie, just, you can talk to birds? Like talk, talk to them? How did you even discover this was a thing you could do, was it before or after you started collecting them? Just wake up one morning and think oh, I’m going to see if I can talk to the local pigeon.

Oswald Cobblepot: (Another soft, honking laugh that drifts off into a slightly wheezy chuckle) Oh it’s a long story to how I worked it out darling and it certainly didn’t quite happen overnight, it’s a story I’ll share with just you some other day though I’d quite like to hear whatever theories you come up with.

Edward Nygma: You’re not, you’re not pulling my leg now, are you?

There’s a chirping and fluttering as a brilliant parrot now comes to sit on Oswald’s shoulder, Oz reaches up and the feathers are ruffled, just audible in the mic.

Oswald Cobblepot: Well, Tilda here would like you to know that Jervis has entered and is looking for you but then there’s no way you can prove that now is there, you’re just going to have to trust me and we should probably hurry this up before Jervis steals you from me.

Edward Nygma: Fine, I guess I will be awaiting that story later then.
As I was saying, my hyena friend has clarified that they know they’re not real birds, but wishes to know who your favourite robin is?

Oswald Cobblepot: Simple, robin two who became notoriously known as Jason Todd who is now Red Hood. I will not be sharing why he’s my favourite but for those of you who know why, well you’ll know – not to mention there was something sweet about the quieter bright robin who helped make it a legacy mantel, I do hope one day that Bat will take one of his own. He always looks so lonely when he’s not borrowing the other.

Edward Nygma: Hmm yeah I can see why you’re biased to that answer and I agree. I could see Bat naming his own Magpie or something, to match his own vibes, maybe Nightingale.
Hmm this is off topic though, especially if you claim Jervis is on his way.
The parrot lets out a rather offended sounding chirp and Oswald holds in a snort of laughter.
Okay, I’m assuming this is an outdated question so I shall put it in the past tense, did you ever do goon of the month?

Oswald Cobblepot: Do they think goons are just like children because while that is sort of true, they’re also really not.
I did not do such a thing as goon of the month, but I did make sure to reward loyalty and those who put more braincells together then many of the other ones.

Edward Nygma: It is rare to find a goon with braincells.

Oswald Cobblepot: Yes, I suspect because most of them are either tied up in loyalty deals, have become their own variety of lame costumed criminal or have gained enough money to wisely retire from this life sooner rather than later.
What I do now though, is I do have employees of them month, multiple because it feels hardly fair to combine the bartenders with the bird staff and the bouncers when it comes down to who has been best at their jobs.

Edward Nygma: Ooh, and what do they get for such an accolade.

Oswald Cobblepot: Well, that tone sounds teasing once more Eddie but they do receive a bonus in that month’s pay alongside a little more trust when it comes to requiring time off with short notice. Their names and if they are comfortable with it, photos, also go up in the staff rooms and I have become aware that they often through their own parties and the awardees often bring in treats for the rest of the staff.
It's all just a little boon to encourage bonds and for them to try their hardest to be the best employees that they can be.

Edward Nygma: Maybe I should have come to work for you.

Oswald Cobblepot: (In a teasing lilt) Planning on retiring on us, Riddler?

Edward Nygma: No I am not – simply stating it sounds like a good employment opportunity and while I don’t do it for the money, an easier way then my current career path to earn and keep a hold of it.

Oswald Cobblepot: It is a good way to earn money, which is why I am heavily encourage all of your listeners to apply, I’m always looking for more staff – not to mention that way they can also pay for your subscription easier.

Edward Nygma: Now that there is a true fact.
Look I can now see Jervis and oh gods he is rapidly approaching so Oswald, I shall leave you with this comment, well question from my dear Hyena once more.
How much would could a woodpecker peck if a woodpecker could peck wood?

The stream gets staticky as it’s clear Edward gets up at high speed and there’s the angry flap of birds swings.

Oswald Cobblepot: Edward Nygma, you get back here!

Oswald’s words are muffled though and it’s at this point the stream cuts dead – considering there are no reports of the Riddler being arrested that evening, it is assumed that he got away before Oswald’s temper took over.

Chapter Text

There’s the sound of shuffling as the recording goes live and a slight chuckling in the background that’s quickly silenced by someone else. The rustling of papers and the pigeon coos that give away that this really isn’t Gotham, that and the fact it’s clear there’s other people walking around the room but this has been set up in a rush to bring some joy.

Lola Falcone: Good afternoon Gotham and Metropolis, I know I know you’re having to share today.

Edward Nygma: Uh, excuse me young lady, who said you get to do the intro? This is my show after all and a special edition at that.

Lola Falcone: The fact both of my other dads are resting in hospital beds right now? (Her tone light and teasing)

Edward Nygma: Hmm well I’d counter they’re both my boyfriends but I’ll let it pass – it’s also why we’ve got our special guest today folks. That’s right, we’ve guilt tripped Superman himself to join us for today’s episode and I have a litany of questions from both my darling listeners, silly children I’ve inherited…
(This is paired with a soft murmured complaint from the girl beside him, silence by her being tugged sidewards into him)
As well as no doubt some other guests who may walk past.
Now, welcome to the show Superman – how many of my previous episodes have you seen.

Superman: I – well thank you for having me, do I call you Edward or the Riddler?

Lola Falcone: You are not calling him the Riddler or it will be made into a thing and I don’t want this to be a thing. Now, Ichabod didn’t want to leave dad and father while they’re asleep still, but he is a big fan of you Mr Superman sir, and had a question for you if that’s okay.
I’m also 90% sure he’s listening to us on the radio, if so hey Icky!

Superman: Alright so it’s Edward, and of course, ask away with questions, especially ones from your little brother.

Edward Nygma: (Badly stifling a chuckle) Oh he’s not going to be happy with you calling him that Superman. Ichabod likes to believe he and Lola being upon the same level considering that he was in the family first and there’s only a few months between them in age anyway.

Lola Falcone: Yeah but no, I encourage you to call Ichabod my little brother.
What he wanted to know, are you really the only guy protecting Metropolis?

Superman: Okay so I’m just going to refer to him as Ichabod because I do not want anyone mad at me on that front, especially not as he’s technically asking this question that’s currently on hand.
Technically no, I am not the only one protecting Metropolis, I also have both Super-Boy’s helping me out as well as the Justice League – and while they aren’t here all the time, well they do love to turn up and help out whenever possible, though it’s a bit pushy sometimes. Justice League aside I am the main head, I guess sort of like how you’d compare Batman and Bat in Gotham with their gaggle of sidekicks and heroes below them.
There’s also the side heroes and trust me, they like to be called that – they focus on low level crime and helping civilians out when bigger issues happen so we don’t have to worry about juggling everything at once. Don’t get me wrong though, that’s just as important and something I also love doing and helping out with whenever possible.

Lola Falcone: Oooo, that’s really cool.

Edward Nygma: That it is, fun herding a pair of teens alone, is it?

Superman: Well, it’s not exactly alone, I do have behind the scenes assistance, but you must understand why I can’t freely discuss this on your show – I guess if you’d really like to know we can discuss it once you’re off air.

There’s the creaking sound of one of the chairs moving and an excited squeaking noise by what actually appears to be the other grown man. Followed by a bark from the dog laying beside Lola, she places a hand on her head.

Lola Falcone: Oh hush Melon, otherwise Edward will see you out for ruining his show.

Edward Nygma: I wouldn’t throw out your medical dog, kiddo.

Superman: Well, it probably is the best place to throw out the medical alert dog.

Lola cracks out into more giggles that also makes Melon’s tail wag heavily and loudly against the floor, making it pick up on the microphone.

Edward Nygma: Yes well, I’m still not going to do it or I fear I may upset my partners and now really isn’t a good time to do it.

Lola Falcone: Ooo, oooh! It does leave me with a question for you myself, what’s your opinion on dogs? Don’t worry, Melon is a good girl so won’t be upset no matter your answer – Peppercorn also won’t leave dad’s side to bite you.

Superman: Ah, well don’t worry there dogs of the Pennyworth-Crane family, I am incredibly fond of dogs. Incredibly fond of all animals if I’m being honest, it’s a real shame that the uh, missus won’t let me adopt more animals. We’ll blame the fact I grew up on a farm.

Edward Nygma: Yeah, that’s how we ended up with so many birds, I fear what our home would have been like if Jon’s family home had actual livestock and not just the crows that would flock there.
However, now is not just a time for telling stories because we have some questions actually coming in from our listeners. Now, I’m going to warn you like all my guests, I can’t be bothered to check these over about half the time so there’s going to be some ridiculous ones in here but that’s half the fun.

Lola Falcone: It’s all the fun if I’m being honest! It also encourages more people to pay for a subscription and I may or may not have stolen access to the account that it pays into so I’m filtering it off into a savings account.

Edward Nygma: You’re what! Does your father know about this?

Lola Falcone: Pa helped me do it, actually. (She giggles softly)

Superman: (Clearing his throat) We had questions going on, didn’t we?

He shuffles a little nervously on the chair, still feeling bad enough about the two parents still in hospital beds to be part of this familial bickering on some form of live broadcast.

Edward Nygma: Yes the questions I know, this is my show. Getting sidetracked is half of my charm I’ll have you find – a bunch of people that I don’t even want on my show like to find their way onto it so it’s popular. Though I expect half of this is the Gotham atmosphere rather than anything else, Metropolis isn’t really somewhere I’m going to swing by unless you know, necessary like this.
Also for this, I’m going to go for this question from SecondDayo’theWeak: Is your superhearing limited to a certain range or can you hear a goat fart in india?

Superman: I - this doesn’t feel like a real question.

Lola Falcone: There’s a questionmark on the end, that makes it a real question, Superman or is that not something taught in Metropolis?

Superman: It’s pretty well known that I didn’t grow up here in Metropolis, Lola. However if we look at only the serious question within this, my superhearing isn’t limited to a specific range but more what I choose to focus on at any given time. It can become rather overwhelming but when I try I can hear as far as I wish and level that in to specific areas and people at that, in general though I can hear most of Metropolis at all times.

Edward Nygma: Okay that, that feels like a lot. Sometimes just our house sounds like too much for me and it can be mostly empty at the time so I think I’ll pass when the universe finally gives me cool superpowers if that’s what they offer me.

Lola Falcone: That’s so cool though. Dad and Dr Langstom can hear all of Gotham if they want when focusing but both have shared it gives them a headache, Dr Langstom helped dad learn how to actually tone it down when he’s in his bat form though so it’s not just all there all of the time and loud.

Superman: Fascinating, I would, I would love to sit down with your dad when he’s doing better to talk to him about that transformation of his, it was fascinating to actually see.

Edward Nygma: (Snorting slightly) Because you didn’t believe he could actually do that, Bruce told me, he thought it was very funny that you didn’t believe them that Bat could become a Bat – welcome to Gotham our actual magic is low outside of the city herself but man did our scientists decide to recreate magic themselves.

Superman: (Sounding a little taken aback) That was done with science?

Lola Falcone: (Breaking out into heavy laughter that turns into a slightly panicked cough, Melon can be heard getting onto her back legs to check her out) I’m okay Melon, I’m okay. I am just taken aback by Superman not clocking that, there’s a reason he’s called Dr Langstom.

Superman: Well, he might have been called doctor for some other reason not just because he’s now able to turn into a bat, so forgive me for that.

Edward Nygma: Oh you are so precious, I don’t think you’d survive a weekend in Gotham but it would be cute to watch you try and I would adore bullying you.
Talking of bullying you I’ve just gotten a text from my darling friend Miss Tuesday who would like to state, your costume’s lame. 

Superman: (A strange spluttering sound comes out of his throat at that before he huffs.) That’s not a question, that’s just some asshole trying to be funny.

Lola Falcone: Correction, it’s my super cool sort of aunt stroke Nyma’s babysitter.

Edward Nygma: She is my beloved assistant and not babysitter.

Lola Falcone: I am unafraid to get her on the phone to correct you at that.

There’s the creaking of the door and footsteps approach.

Lois Lane: Is everything okay in here, you doing okay Lola? 

Lola Falcone: I’m doing good Mrs Lane!

Edward Nygma: Oh Mrs Lane, I’m so glad you decided to show up because this is a question from Harley Quinn and while yes it’s directed towards Superman but I feel like it’s topical to you.

Lois makes an interested almost humming noise, to which Edward fiddles around with his phone and presses a voice note to play. Briefly panicking he may have pressed the wrong one until the voice begins.

[Recording] Harley Quinn: Heyah Eddie, hope you and the family are doing okay, we’re certainly enjoying this episode and it’s fascinating watching Dr Langstom flush.

[Recording] ManBat: I’m not- ugh Harleen why are you pointing this at me – really – fine. I would certainly be willing to talk to you about how our transformations work, Superman, though I cannot demonstrate the shifting for you, this is my one form now.

[Recording] Harley Quinn: So yeah, feel free to swing around to come be bullied by us in Gotham it would be fun. Right though, I had a question for ya – hey Supes is Clark Kent aware you’re dating his wife?

The recording comes to an end and Superman makes one amazing noise while Lois cracks out into laughter.

Lois Lane: Oh, well I would love to meet you Harley because you feel like a hoot – I’ll let you answer this though Superman, is Clark Kent aware you’re dating me?

Superman:(Muttered very quietly) I hate you Lois.
(Back to full volume) Well Miss Quinn, I would like it to be known that I am not actually dating Mrs Lane, the very happily married woman to a man who I’ve met a good few times, Clark Kent. Whatever there is between me and Mrs Lane, well only we need to know about what that is really but Mr Kent knows.

Lois Lane: I like that you insist on calling me Mrs Lane~

Lola Falcone: Ewww no, and I’m dipping I know what flirting sounds like my dad does it with far too many people – though that is said with full affection because I love and adore you too Ozzie, you’re my crime dad who legally doesn’t do crime anymore.
Have fun with the rest of the interview, Eddie.

Edward Nygma: Let Ichabod know I love him and he can still swing by to either listen in person and join in if he wants.

Lola Falcone: (Voice a little muffled as she’s walked to the doorway) Will do, I’ll also let the parents know you love them if they’re awake – I’ll also send someone your way if they’re actually awake awake.

Edward Nygma: (Raising his voice a little) Thank you, I love you, Sweetie.

A few beats of silence pass, it seems to be out of a fondness rather than any sort of awkward sense, which Edward is glad of, now being the sole Gothamite in the room.

Lois Lane: You’re both adorable, gosh you really are all such a cute family unit. How difficult was it for people to accept you all as a unit?

Edward Nygma: I mean the biggest problem was people getting past Edward being with you know, the known Rogue Scarecrow, especially after he confessed his own role as Bat, but that was less about really who he was with but more the fact it was one of Gotham’s vigilante’s with rogues. Sliding in the fact they were poly and with me, well most of them hardly flinched an eye at that point.
When it comes down to adding Oz, well plenty of folks still keep getting confused and for clarification, Ed and Oz are the only pair dating on that front – a lot more people now to focus on Bruce and the Justice System, to which I don’t envy.

Superman: Yes, I guess that’s a bigger focus for you all. I really am sorry for the current situation you’re all in.

Lois Lane: Though us saying that often isn’t helping, no doubt. How about I offer you a fun question in return before I dip off?

Edward Nygma: Oh, a question for the question asker? I’ll point out you’ve already just asked me but you know what, I’ll bite. What would you like to ask me, Mrs Lane?

Lois Lane: Why riddles, what about them drew you to choosing them? I know, I mean a good handful of our rogues are very themed but Gotham seems to take it to another level.

Superman: I’m going to point out I can tell Jonathan Crane is awake, well he’s awake enough to groan at that very question.

Edward Nygma: That is because I’m lovingly insufferable but that’s on him, he fell in love with me. Riddles weren’t always my first things, a lot of my first games were just puzzles because it connected to my threads of life that lead to me becoming a rogue. Riddles became a thing because it’s easier to frame a perfect character around just the one thing – I am also very, very autistic and they firmly are a special interest of mine. Though it’s also a curse when my manic tendencies come out.
Be safe for the fact my mind is too exhausted right now and I fear that giving everyone their own riddle could push me over considering everything else you know. 

Lois Lane: Of course, and we don’t want that to happen. Maybe I should tune into your more usual shows.

Edward Nygma: Please do Mrs Lane, consider a free subscription already in your inbox.

Superman: Don’t you need her email address?

Edward Nygma: Nope! (He pops the p)

Lois Lane: Right, well I’m going to worry about that later. I’ll wish you both a good afternoon, don’t take too much longer you too or the hospital may begin to worry you’re meant to be here and not let you out.

Edward laughs as the woman can now be heard walking out of the room, leaving just the two men behind.

Superman:... She’s not wrong, and your partners are beginning to stir.

Edward Nygma: Two more questions then? One from me and one from the people.

Superman: Two more questions.

Edward Nygma: Right, one from me because I am one nosey fucker. How many times do you think Lex Luthor – the awful human being that he is –  has tried to clone you? Also I think his obsession with you really is strange, no offence to his husband, Jon seems to have no issue with him other than his taste in men – but like what the fuck. If I looked like he did, could not stoop for Luthor.

Superman: Yes, well the Luthor marriage isn’t something I really like to delve into, but Marecelleus is incredibly fond of the man and I believe – not that I’m saying this if either of them could hear – that Lex is incredibly attached to him as well.
That’s not the topic though, I know that. I am only actively aware of two successful clones, though neither of them quite purely my DNA and I believe Marecelleus did put a stop to that, but honestly I think only Lex would know exactly how many attempts he made. Just desperately hope that he’s not got any left in the freezer or something, I’m not sure how any of us would cope with that.

Edward Nygma: You state you don’t know how Gotham’s rogues and vigilantes could be so intertwined but you seem awfully fond of the better Mr Luthor.

Superman: I like to see the best in everyone, Edward. Sitting on ifs and thoughts aren’t the best though so I reckon we should move onto the last one before there’s also a chance I have a bunch of people now coming to shout at me for discussing things I probably shouldn’t on a form of live streaming.

Edward Nygma: Right, yes of course. Now we have one last question, and I will suggest that this is from one of the bored college students who got free, riddle based entries into my show chat. Would you ever consider dating Batman?
I feel like I don’t need to remind you he’s basically my in-law and I’m very close with his boyfriends.

Superman: (laughing softly) Yeah well I’m going to be very careful with my answer here because I have met both Mr Harvey Dent and Mr Harv Dent and while they’re both lovely seeming fellows I don’t want to get on their – and no doubt the rest of the system’s – bad sides. If Batman was single then I would perhaps consider pursuing him if I wasn’t also a spoken for man because he is incredibly intelligent and no doubt handsome under his cowl, even if he scares me a little.

Edward Nygma: I believe the ‘scaring him a little’ is one of the reasons Apollo is smitten by our dear big bat, considering his own other main partner.
However we are certainly coming to the end of our little interview and this has been fascinating and no doubt Gotham will be filled with fascination about all of the fun that this has revealed to them because of course, you must understand that there’s some secrets they get to rather possessively keep to themselves and not the rest of the world.
So I shall wish you a good rest of the afternoon Superman, and that too goes to you Gotham and Metropolis. I am off to go annoy the pants off of my boyfriends and children until I’m probably sent on a snack run to stop irritating them.

Superman: That makes sense, I wish you a good evening Mr Nygma, as well as you dear listeners.

Superman can now be heard getting up and leaving, there’s some rustling but Edward doesn’t quite hit end yet to the recording, mostly because this here now, it helps him not focus all too hard on the state his family is in.

Edward Nygma: Get him listeners, calling you dears. You’re all mine and no one else can take that off of me. I shall now be going now, have a good afternoon, leading into your evenings and don’t forget to hold your loved ones close.

Chapter Text

Twilight is beginning to drift out of the sky as dawn dusts itself about, there’s only a few listeners who are tuning in considering the fact it’s so very early or on the other hand, so very late compared to the time that these streams normally happen.
Things are proven that much stranger by the first thing stated through the line.

The Bat: Good morning Gotham.
(His voice rings out clear across the line, though still altered with his own voice changer)
I know I am not the one you would be expecting dear listeners, though I must assure you all, that all is well with the dear Riddler – I have simply procured access to his line and stolen it for a few hours.

(Muffled noise that sounds like chat just out of hearing of the microphone.)
We’re considering this morning a type of experiment, much akin to what dear Edward would enjoy so I’m inviting you on the end of my patrol with me.

Batman: This still seems like a bad idea, Bat.

The Bat: You’re just a big baby, I’ll shut it off before I come home and Oracle will only be audible if she wishes, alongside anyone else who tries to contact me.

Oracle: (Slightly staticky) Bat’s right Batman, I’ve got secondary control going on here, anything people can’t hear and the line will be cut instantly.

The Bat: See, everything’s fine – now shoo, I have a radio show to host.

There’s grumbling but then the sound of something firing and the thunk of boots shifting before jumping off of the room, a sigh escaping from the temporary hosts mouth.

The Bat: Well, that’s angsty butt gone. I must admit I cannot promise this episode will be all that interesting but with the Riddler busy at the moment with who knows what – well I know what but I’m not going to out that – well I thought it would be nice for all of you, and also me, to have some company.
Must admit this won’t be the most exciting thing in the world, unless if I can find someone to bother – anyone know of any rogues who are nearby that could distract me?
There’s a buzzing and then a click as it’s answered.

The Bat: Hi, you’re live on Riddler’s airway not that I think there’s all that many people listening in tonight though it’s hardly able to be considered that time now.

Scarecrow: (Rather raspy) Do I even want to know how you got access to Riddler’s radio broadcast or is that something I should just dare not think about?

The Bat:(Soft laughter) Don’t you worry ‘crow, I have been given permission to be on here. Now what are you up to on this fine near, morning or is that not for mine and the listeners ears, I do fear there is an Oracle still listening in.

Oracle: (Still slightly staticky) I am not listening in right now, because I have to hear enough of Batman flirting over the coms and hell at this point half the boys too and you’re meant to be my safety so I’m just not going to be here.

The Bat: I note you only say that after I was discussing you listening in which does kind of imply that you were.

Oracle: Well I’m not listening in now, I’ll see you back home unless you need me.
Have a good morning Bat, don’t get yourself in a mess.

Scarecrow: I like her. 

??: Oh yes, Oracle is a rather nice young lady.

The Bat: Oh, hello Kirk I didn’t realise you were there with Scarecrow at the moment.

Dr Langstrom: I am, hello Bat. We also heard that you are bored, any chance you want to fly by our way until you’re needed for the morning?

The Bat: Oh, I’d love to swing by to you both – any chance you can send me your location, Scarecrow and I’ll sort of patrol my way to you.

A raspy laugh can be heard before then a ping on Bat’s end. A couple seconds of time passes, and the beginnings of Gotham’s traffic can be heard.

The Bat: Right then, I’ll be on my way gents, don’t go disappearing off before I turn up.

Scarecrow: We promise we’ll remain here, the boy wants to remind me to tell you that – well we love you.

Dr Langstrom: (Some combination of a coo, purr and whatever sounds a bat can make) There’s a reason I knew to befriend you, spooky, you’re a real softly at the core of it.

Scarecrow: (grumbling) I aint no softly.

The Bat: Oh hush the pair of you, I’ll be there soon.

He fidgets around and there’s a loud click as he hangs up on them, shaking his head before there’s a wushing of air and the thunk of boots hitting another roof.

The Bat: Well, you’re going to get to listen to me doing that too, listeners, I apologise if anyone is motion sick and this affects you, I’ve had that volume toned down to the best of my ability but of course there’s only so much I can do as I’m leaping from roof top to roof top.
What I will say is feel free to send in voice notes if you can because that will be easier for me to respond to and more entertaining for the rest of you.
I’ve got a good half hour until we-
(He’s interrupted by a chirping sound that sounds a bit like a gameshow jingle)

Oh, looks like we’ve already gotten a voice note, warning you all now that Oracle is filtering them so that nothing bad gets through.

[Recording] L’Egg: Friend Bat fit in pelican mouth.

The Bat: What?

Oracle: (laughing) It’s a meme Bat.

The Bat: Fucking hell, now I sound like an old man. Back in my day memes were funny and made sense, what, that’s word soup, L’Egg are you meant to be awake right now – gods no I mean it’s like 2am you really aren’t meant to be awake right now. What I do recommend is that you go to bed and like now.

Oracle: How old are you, again? 163?

The Bat: Oi you watch it, Oracle, I’m not that old and you know it.
(He’s once again interrupted by the jingle)
Well, at least that gives me some breathing time as I jump onto the next building, it will cut through if I fall so you’ll all get to enjoy me going splat.

Oracle: Oh I’ll make sure they get to hear you go splat!

The Bat: Thanks love.

[Recording] The Riddler: Well, I’m glad to see you’re struggling at wrangling people just as well as I do Bat, thank you for this though, for giving the people entertainment while I have a breather for a bit. I do so wish you don’t go splat though – oh and if you’re going to go see Scarecrow and Kirk can you make sure that Kirk has what he promised me because I don’t trust Scarecrow to remember.

The Bat: (Groaning as he lands a little hard on a roof) I feel the need to remind you Edward, as I assume you’re still listening, that Crow is more than willing to get after you for suggesting that on live, even if it is your own show.
Oh, going to be a bit sidetracked for a moment, guys.

There’s the sound of scrambling as Bat slides down the edge of the building and muffled speech comes into range of the microphone.

??: I told you we could get away from that idiot you idiot.

The Bat: Nawh, I’m so fond of the fact you’re being rude about my brother Scarface – I thought you were in therapy Arnold.

Scarface: Oh fuck off it’s the Bat.

Arnold: Hi - hi, so sorry about this.

The Bat: Right, so I don’t believe either of you are really going to shoot me, all things considered. Now I was on my route to visit some actual friends so you can either do this the easy way considering your pre-existing lack of spoils or the hard way and it’s just going to leave me crankier in the long run and probably less polite next time we meet.

Arnold: Oh come on Scarface, I don’t want to hurt the Bat I’m rather fond of him as far as Gotham’s vigilantes go.

Scarface: I don’t care, shoot him!

The Bat: Now, now Scarface. We get on sometimes, listen here now I know we’re currently live to some people, feel free to say hello to the people, give me what you did get away with and then scram before one of the others can catch you and we’re all good.

There’s the sound of some muffled arguing and shoving before something being passed into Bat’s hands and a content hum from him.

The Bat: Wonderful, now you two scram, I’ve got people I want to go see.

Scarface: Is this still some sort of scam?

Arnold: I’m sure it’s not, right Bat?

The Bat: It’s not, now get out of here – taking no claims if one of the others catches you though, that’s on you.

There’s now the sound of running footsteps.

Oracle: While I trust you, is that really the best idea?

The Bat: I’m pretty sure they could just do with a good deal more therapy plus I now have a whole one box of shipment in my hand and from the feeling of it, it’s half empty and really, I think they’re going to feel bad enough when they get to where ever they’re calling home right now. If someone else is patrolling where they pass through, that’s on them to then decide Oracle, but I’ve also got better places to be and I didn’t want to make the people hear me go through all the arrest spiel.

Oracle: Fine, what’s even in the shipment?

The Bat: (Box in his hand making a hideous creaking noise) A very soggy packet of cigarettes, and ah, that explains things – they’ve tried to, well they’ve managed to yoink this one, but they went up against Harv for it.

Oracle: Oh. (The sound of furious typing)

The Bat: Yeah, okay I’m going to leave you to that darling.
Come now listeners I’m going to take you on a little more of a journey, don’t worry about the box, I’m going to be so honest it’s basically empty so this stuff can just go in my pockets and pouched and the box can be left here. If I found out any of you have yoinked this box just because it’s Two-Face’s you’re weird in the bad way and I’ll also be sending Batman after you for freak behaviour about their men.
(There’s that jingle one more time)
And oh, a final comment of the morning, give it away.

[Recording] L’Egg: Can we send more than one in?
That works.
…I forgot what I was going to say

The Bat: (Cracking up into a sort of spluttering laugh) Okay, yeah L’Egg, that’s your username, right? Okay, please go to sleep, have a nap, something but wasting money spending more voice messages in that you’re clearly losing the plot. There’s people if you need help, I’m being serious.
And right, Oracle’s dipped so I’m speaking to myself.
This, I don’t know how Eddie does this bit so I’m going to wish you all a good day in Gotham, I’m going to finish the rest of my journey to visit Scarecrow and Dr Langstom.
Good morning Gotham, I hope it’s a good one.

The audio is cut off with the same gameshow jingle that was playing throughout. This one isn’t available for free download by most of the others and is instead locked behind a higher paywall, a joke that it’s the episode that never existed.

Chapter Text

Sometimes Edward streams his radio episodes when he really shouldn’t, most of the times the recordings don’t survive. Tonight this is what happened but this one, this one is still available, somehow.

Gotham’s sky is surprisingly calm, amongst the smog you can even see the stars, though there’s still that soft rumble of cars and Gotham’s general nightlife, increased because it seems this is once again a portable stream as it crackles to life out in one of these alleyways.

Edward Nygma: Evening Gotham, though personally I cannot call it a good one, not after – I am always behind and cannot be changed now, and yet you’ve all experienced me in the ways you want; that’s what I have bad memories from.

Footsteps and a metallic ting can be heard approaching the microphone, approaching the man holding it.

??: Hu yeah, I’d say it’s not a good one for you, stuck in riddle mode, aye Nygma?

Edward Nygma: I am a coin with two faces, yet can still be distinguished, who am I?

Big Harv: Yeah you really aren’t doing too hot, wanna talk about it?
Harvey Dent: Should you be streaming tonight?

Edward Nygma: Noooo… ‘Nd I like Streaming (It comes out as a soft and puffy whine from his throat)

Harvey Dent: I’m sure this isn’t actually helpful, Edward.

Edward Nygma: (Mumbled just above his breath) Reminds me I’m not alone…

Big Harv: (With an exasperated sigh) Well we’re both ‘ere now so you’re not alone, even if I’d rather be off for a drink like planned…
Harvey Dent: Harv no! You can’t say that — we’re happy to be here to listen for you Edward, ignore him. 

Edward Nygma: You can go, it’s fine because I have the people to talk too.

Harvey Dent: Yes, but they can’t talk back, anyway we’ve decided we’re joining you.

A slight thunk can be heard as the other steps around and leans against the wall alongside the host.

Edward Nygma: Harv isn’t allowed on my show. (He mumbles it once more)

Big Harv: Well fuck you too, Nygma. We’re trying to give you company not to mention Harvey told you it’s probably best to hang up your stream.

Edward Nygma: You don’t ‘hang up’ a stream and I didn’t ask for your company, I have the stream, I have people who actually care about me, who want me to succeed and aren’t just here to entertain themselves with my presents. So actually I think it would be better if you just both left me alone.
(It’s snapped and partnered with the sound of Edward now walking away, leaving the other swearing behind him)
My apologise about them listeners. At least I haven’t ended up bumping into the – together we swim, together we eat, following our leader with tiny feet. What are we called when we march in a line? – Because that certainly wouldn’t be making tonight better. 

There’s a ringing from deep within a pocket, and then the scuffling as Edward hunts it out.

Edward Nygma: You’re on speaker cause I don’t want to raise it to my face.

Miss Tuesday: Yeah, thought it was bad when I realised you were streaming. Want to come home Eddie, tell me what’s on your mind? Or we can just sit and write up some more riddles, I might have finally gotten one you like.

Edward Nygma: Your riddles are basic but I do like them Miss Tuesday, I like you. Why is everyone so adamant I should hang up and talk to someone else though.

Miss Tuesday: Because yesterday was hard for you, Eddie. We all know yesterday was hard for you but we shouldn’t be broadcasting that to the general public.

Edward Nygma: It’s not the general public, it’s people who care about me, Miss Tuesday.

Miss Tuesday: (Sighing softly) You can’t keep running away from talking about it Eddie, you’re hurting yourself and them, please just come home to talk about it.

Edward Nygma: I don’t want to and I am fine – I will be fine, just let me be out for a bit and forget about it then when I’m not the sphinx we can talk.

Big Harv: Right, so we’re going to the Iceberg then and I’m making sure you don’t drink too much.

The sound of his voice makes Edward leap, a squark he’ll never admit to comes from the back of his throat. Having not realised one of those muffled pairs of footsteps in his environment especially as a pair of cold hands rest upon his side to stop him from running.

Harvey Dent: We’re also going to casually reach around and turn this microphone and stream back off, we’ll look after him Miss Tuesday.
Big Harv: That’s a promise cause there’s no fun teasing him while he’s down.

Miss Tuesday: Thank you boys.

Edward Nygma: No, not thank you, you nearly scared me to death so I am not going with you to the Iceberg.

Harvey Dent: Yeah we are, I guess good night to anyone who’s listening, I hope you have a good one, or at least one better than our poor Edward. We’ll keep him safe though and take him back home.

Edward Nygma: (grumbling just above his breath) I’m not a baby, Harvey. I can take care of my–

And just like that the broadcast is cut dead, a single message of reassurance showing in the chat from Miss Tuesday before that too is taken offline and sent to the records. Probably only remains forgotten there because Edward himself wasn’t the one to turn it off.