Chapter Text
Generally, semi-retirement was an arrangement that suited Hobbs. He had more time for his daughter while still having enough to keep him busy at the DSS. However, as he’d just wrapped up everything on a case and was now facing the prospect of cleaning out his garage, today wasn’t one of those days. When Tess called, Hobbs was looking for a good excuse to get out of sorting through boxes. When Tess asked Hobbs if he would be interested in taking on an assignment, Hobbs was more than happy to accept Tess’s offer and report to Agency headquarters for a briefing. However, five minutes after stepping into Tess’s office, Hobbs wished he’d stayed home and faced his messy garage instead.
“You want me to pose as Shaw’s fiancé?” Hobbs asked. “Are you shitting me?”
“No, I’m not shitting you, Luke,” Tess said. She then proceeded to fill Hobbs in on the details.
Shaw had approached Tess about a contact of his who was willing to disclose information about Radomir Varbanov, a Bulgarian mobster specializing in arms trafficking and money laundering. As it turned out, the contact was Varbanov’s daughter – one Nikolina Varbanova – who had helped Shaw escape during a recent mission when he’d been captured by Varbanov’s goons. In return, Shaw had got Nikolina out of Bulgaria and had helped her settle in the United States.
Thanks to Shaw, Nikolina was running a successful chain of wedding chapels in Las Vegas under the name “Niki Darling”. Unfortunately, Nikolina’s computer had been attacked by a hacker, and she had been locked out of her own network. Nikolina had offered to provide the Agency with the information they were seeking on her father if Shaw agreed to find and disable the backdoor and repair any damage that had been done to her computer system. The only problem was that Nikolina had fallen in love with Shaw and was convinced that they were meant to be together. Shaw had failed to convince her otherwise. He had also refused to take on the assignment unless he had back-up in the form of a romantic partner who could keep Nikolina at bay.
“Deck asked if Ramsey could go in with him,” Tess said. “He figured that she could easily deal with Nikolina’s computer issues and pose as his girlfriend at the same time.”
Hobbs nodded encouragingly. “Makes sense to me. You should go with that plan.”
“I almost did but then I thought about it and realized what a disaster it could be. Nikolina would not only be confronted with the fact that Deck isn’t in love with her but that he’s rejected her for another woman. Nikolina might then decide that she isn’t interested in providing information on her father after all.”
At that point, Hobbs had given Tess a skeptical look. “So, a girlfriend would be bad, but a male fiancé wouldn’t be a problem?”
Tess had picked up a pen and was twirling it between her fingers. “If Deck presents himself as a gay man who is happily engaged, Nikolina will realize that she never stood a chance with him and is less likely to take it personally.”
“Has Shaw slept with Nikolina? He has a habit of sleeping with some of his contacts.”
“I asked him the same question. He says he hasn’t. So, will you do it?”
“Why me?” Hobbs asked. “You could get anyone to pose as Shaw’s gay fiancé. Why do you think I’d be suitable for the part?”
Tess stopped twirling her pen. “Because you and Deck get along so well together.”
Hobbs laughed. “Since when? No, we tolerate each other at best.”
“Really? I had the opposite impression. You’ve worked together multiple times, know each other well, and even have pet names for each other.”
Hobbs’ brow creased. “Pet names?”
“I’ve heard Deck call you ‘Twinkle Toes’ and ‘She-Hulk’, and you call him ‘Frodo’ and ‘Princess’.”
“Those aren’t pet names! They’re insults!”
“Really?” Tess asked. “I thought it was banter.”
“No, it’s trash talk. It’s what we always do.”
Tess bit her lip, looking sheepish. “Oh. I assumed you were flirting.”
Hobbs’ expression darkened. “I cannot state this emphatically enough: there has never been any flirting of any kind between us.”
“Okay, then,” Tess said. “You should do it because Shaw’s your partner.”
Hobbs gritted his teeth. “He’s not my partner.”
Tess rose from her chair and moved to the other side of the desk. “You have literally worked on at least a dozen assignments together. If he’s not your partner, then what would you call him?”
“I’d tell you, but you might think it’s another pet name.”
“You know, it’s a shame you feel that way,” Tess said. “Deck certainly doesn’t.”
Hobbs snorted in disbelief. “Bullshit.”
Tess stood in front of her desk and crossed her arms. “A few months ago, I had a little talk with Deck about his future with the Agency. I thought it was only fair to tell him that he’d fulfilled the terms of the agreement originally laid out by my father and no longer had to work for us if he didn’t want to – that he could leave with a clean slate.”
Hobbs sat up straighter in his chair but managed to maintain a calm expression.
“Of course, I told him we’d be sorry to lose him but that he had the right to know what his options were.”
Hobbs gripped the arms of his chair so hard that they threatened to break. “What did he say?”
Tess leaned forward in an almost secretive manner. “Deck said he was willing to work for the Agency for the time being – when we had assignments that required his unique skill set. I then asked him if there was anything I could do to make working for the Agency more…enticing.”
Hobbs eyed Tess warily. “Enticing? In what way?”
“I asked him if he’d like a new partner,” Tess said.
“And?” Hobbs asked. He was trying not to panic, but his brain seemed unwilling to cooperate.
Tess smiled. “He said no. He said that you both make a good team and that he knew he could trust you, which was more than could be said about the other agents he’d worked with.” Tess raised an eyebrow when Hobbs stared at her in amazement. “Why do you think we keep putting you together? Deck won’t work with anyone else.”
Hobbs cleared his throat. “He works with Dom’s crew sometimes.”
“Yes, sometimes, but Deckard Shaw isn’t exactly what I’d call a team player, unless it’s a team of two, and you’re his partner.”
Hobbs ran a hand across his face. “Shaw will never agree to it.”
Tess patted Hobbs’ arm before returning to her chair. “I’m sure we can convince him.”
“Yeah, good luck with that,” Hobbs muttered.
Tess had pulled out her phone and appeared to be texting someone. An instant later, Hobbs heard a ping, and Tess raised her head from her phone. “He’s on his way.”
Hobbs clutched the arms of his chair even tighter, and they both waited in tense silence. After what felt like half an hour, there was a knock on the door.
“Would you mind?” Tess asked.
“Sure. Why not?” Hobbs walked over to the door and yanked it open. “Hey, Shaw.”
Shaw gazed back at Hobbs in surprise. “What are you doing here?”
Hobbs made no effort to hide his smirk. “Guess.”
Shaw’s eyes widened, and he took a step back. “No,” he said. “Fuck that.” Then he spun on his heel and stormed off.
Hobbs turned to face Tess. “So, I don’t think he’s on board with the idea.”
“Then get him on board,” Tess said. “We need to bring down Radomir Varbanov.”
Hobbs sighed. “Yes, ma’am.”
It didn’t take Hobbs long to catch up with Shaw. Hobbs assumed it was because his legs were so much longer than Shaw’s but thought it might be wise not to taunt Shaw about his height for once. Instead, Hobbs got straight to the point. “What’s the matter? Do you think that having me as your fiancé will threaten your manhood?”
Shaw’s brow creased. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Well, anyone who thought we were a couple would naturally assume that I’m the one on top.”
Shaw’s hands curled into fists. “Like fuck they would. Anyone who thought we were a couple would feel sorry for me because I got stuck with such a colossal pea-brained wanker.”
“Well, that would be nothing compared to the embarrassment I’d feel if anyone thought I’d chosen to be with a pint-sized Limey asshole with your ugly mug,” Hobbs said.
Shaw scowled. “Then maybe you’d better go back to Tess and tell her that you’re not up to this assignment.”
Hobbs’ jaw clenched. “Well, have fun finding another fiancé. Knowing your luck, you’ll end up with Roman.”
Hobbs went to leave, but Shaw seized a hold of his wrist.
“I can’t work with Pearce,” Shaw said. “I’d be ready to kill him in under a day, and Niki would never believe he was my fiancé.”
Hobbs patted Shaw’s shoulder. “Well, maybe it won’t be Roman. It could be Tej or Han instead.”
Shaw grimaced. “Fine, I’ll work with you.”
Hobbs shook his head. “No, it’s okay. I’m sure Tess can match you with someone more suitable.” He tried to leave again and found Shaw’s hand on his arm this time.
“I don’t want someone more suitable: I want you,” Shaw said.
Hobbs gasped, lifting a hand to his mouth. “Deckard Shaw, are you saying you want to marry me?”
Shaw winced, closing his eyes. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”
“Shouldn’t you go down on one knee and make it official?” Hobbs asked. “Oh, right, you’ll need a ring first.” He knew he was enjoying Shaw’s discomfort far too much, but Hobbs just couldn’t resist baiting him. However, Shaw didn’t react the way Hobbs was expecting. Instead of losing his temper, he seemed resigned to the situation.
“I’ll take care of the rings,” Shaw said. “Is it okay if I text you the information?”
Hobbs gaped at Shaw for a moment before nodding. “Uh, sure. Yeah, that would be fine.”
As Hobbs watched Shaw walk away, he began to wonder just what he’d gotten himself into.
* * *
Hobbs was beginning to think that he must have done something truly awful in a previous life to be punished like this. It had been bad enough seeing Margarita making out with Shaw when they were going up against Eteon, but now Hobbs was being forced to watch Nikolina Varbanova getting even more touchy-feely with his partner. Maybe this was karmic payback after Hobbs had called Shaw “snookums” after ambushing him from behind and pulling him into a bearhug that had lifted Shaw clear off the ground.
They were currently at the headquarters of Nikolina’s wedding chapel empire – an entire floor of a six-storey building outside the Las Vegas Strip. Nikolina was plastered against Shaw and had a hand on his hip, and if she didn’t remove her hand in the next five seconds, Hobbs was going to rip it off. He was about to carry out his threat when he realized what he was doing and wondered where the hell all that hostility had come from.
It wasn’t as if Shaw and Nikolina were engaged in anything sexually illicit. They were standing in front of Nikolina’s computer, and Shaw was explaining to Nikolina that he would need to run a full system scan, though Shaw suspected that the malware might not be found if it had been disguised as a worm. If that were the case, he would have to track down the executable code that had been embedded in Nikolina’s system. Both Hobbs and Nikolina understood little of what Shaw had said after that.
Shaw’s body had stiffened, and he was obviously uncomfortable with the way Nikolina had chosen to drape herself across him. Whether Hobbs liked it or not, Shaw was his partner, and he didn’t want Shaw to be uncomfortable – for purely professional reasons as it might jeopardize their assignment if Shaw was off his game. It had absolutely nothing to do with their fictional engagement.
Hobbs held out for another 20 seconds before he intervened.
“Last time I checked, he was already spoken for,” Hobbs said.
Both Shaw and Nikolina turned abruptly. Shaw looked startled, and Nikolina peeled away from him with a sultry pout. With those big cornflower blue eyes, long lashes, and waves of golden hair, Nikolina could bring most men – and probably some women – to their knees. Hobbs himself might have fallen into this category if Nikolina wasn’t being so handsy with his fiancé.
“I am sorry I stand so close,” Nikolina said. “I do not want to miss what Deck says.”
Hobbs’ eyes narrowed. “I’m pretty sure you could have stood close to him without putting your paws all over him, sister.”
Nikolina’s lips turned up at the corners in what could only be described as a kittenish smirk. “Good. I am happy you fight for him. I wonder what kind of fiancé you are when I touch Deck, and you say nothing.” Nikolina patted Shaw on the back. “I leave you alone for kissy time, yes?”
Shaw bowed his head in embarrassment. “I’ll, um, check in with you later, Niki.”
“Okay, Deck,” Nikolina said. Then, winking at Hobbs, she sauntered out of the room.
After everything he had just said and done, Hobbs assumed that Shaw would be furious, so he was taken aback when Shaw seemed relieved instead.
“Cheers, mate,” Shaw said.
“Sure, no problem. I’m surprised she’s not your type considering that she comes from a criminal family. Is it because you’re old enough to be her father?”
Shaw frowned. “I’m not that old.”
“Uh, yeah, Mrs. Robinson, you are. I am too, for that matter.”
Shaw squirmed awkwardly. “I just don’t feel that way about her, okay?”
Hobbs smiled as Shaw confirmed his suspicions. “You want to protect her,” he said.
“Well, I feel responsible for her if that’s what you mean. I’m the one who convinced her to turn against her father and come to the States.”
“You’re also the one who helped set up her business, though, aren’t you?”
“I put her in contact with some people I know, but she did most of the work herself.”
“I assume she’s the one who came up with the name ‘Niki Darling’,” Hobbs said. Then he was surprised a second time when Shaw’s cheeks pinkened in an honest-to-goodness blush.
“That, um, might have been my fault.”
Hobbs grinned. “How?”
“She was upset. One of her competitors was making things difficult for her. Without realizing I was doing it, I said, ‘You’ve got nothing to worry about, darling. I’ll take care of it.’ Niki didn't know the word 'darling,' so I explained to her that in the UK, it's just a friendly way to address people, like the word 'luv'. Next thing I know, she’s decided to change her name to ‘Niki Darling,’ which does work in her line of business, I suppose, so it's probably just a coincidence, right?”
“Nah,” Hobbs said. “I doubt it. So, did you?”
“Did I what?”
“Take care of Niki’s competition?”
“Of course.”
“Great,” Hobbs muttered. He wondered if Tess knew that Shaw had taken out a Vegas mobster.
“Don’t look at me like that,” Shaw said. “I had a talk with him, that’s all.”
“That’s all? There were no explosions involved? The mean old mobster’s office is still intact? I assume that you at least threatened the guy.”
“I didn’t need to. We had a civilized conversation in which Mr. Moretti agreed to back off and leave Niki alone.”
“I apologize, Doogie,” Hobbs said. “It sounds like you were adulting like a pro.”
“I might have also dropped my mother’s name once or twice.”
Hobbs rolled his eyes. “Of course you did. Well, I managed to keep Niki from getting inside your pants – I believe that’s the British expression for it – so what do you need me to do now?”
“That depends. What do you know about object code?”
“I’m not sure. What is it?”
“I think I’d better call Ramsey,” Shaw said.
* * *
Hobbs killed half an hour skimming through the outdated magazines in the lobby, though what Nikolina needed a lobby for Hobbs didn’t know. Hobbs had assumed that most couples transacted their business online through email and the wedding chapel website. He couldn’t imagine why they might need to meet Nikolina in person, unless this whole wedding chapel business was just a front for something else.
Hobbs soon wandered away from the lobby, and the eagle-eyed gaze of the receptionist, and went off in search of Shaw, who he found having a video conference with Ramsey in an office that Nikolina had set aside for him. Hobbs could see Ramsey’s face on a wall-mounted monitor that hadn’t been there the last time he’d been in the room.
“I found your favourite crisps,” Shaw said.
Hobbs, who had just sat down on Shaw’s desk, assumed that Shaw and Ramsey must be talking in Cockney rhyming slang again, which was something they usually did only when Roman and Tej were around as it was their way of messing with them. However, Roman and Tej were nowhere in sight, and he hadn’t heard them in the background. Besides, what did “favourite crisps” rhyme with? Lisps? Wisps? Whatever it was, it had Ramsey squealing in delight.
“Omigod where?” Ramsey asked.
“A little shop in West Hollywood.”
“Name?”
“Help me shut down that backdoor, and I’ll give you a crate of them,” Shaw said.
Ramsey grinned. “The lime and coriander flavour, yeah?”
Shaw rolled his eyes. “As if I would try to fob you off with another flavour.”
“Whoa, wait a minute,” Hobbs said. “Are you two actually talking about potato chips?”
“No, we’re talking about crisps, you muppet.” Shaw shared an exasperated look with Ramsey. “Honestly!”
“What’s the difference?” Hobbs asked.
“Are you having us on?” Ramsey cried. “What’s the difference, he says! The flavour for one thing. American chips are so boring. They’re, like, one favour most of the time, and that’s it.”
“Well, yeah,” Hobbs said. “It would be pretty disgusting otherwise.”
“Disgusting? You heathen! How dare you? Deck, you need to teach your fiancé some of the finer points of British cuisine.”
Shaw groaned. “Please don’t call him that.”
“I hadn’t realized there was anything ‘fine’ about British cuisine,” Hobbs said.
Shaw glared at Hobbs. “Oi, watch it, fat boy – not that I would categorize lime and coriander flavour crisps as haute cuisine, mind you–”
“But it’s the principle of the thing,” Ramsey said.
Hobbs leaned back on the desk. “Maybe you should have brought her along instead.” He glanced at Ramsey. “You were his first choice, you know. He was going to get you to pose as his girlfriend.”
“For your computer skills,” Shaw said.
“And because she’s hot.”
Shaw looked down at his hands. “Well, yeah, there was that too.”
“Well, I think Tess’s idea was better,” Ramsey said. “Nikolina is more likely to leave Deck alone if she thinks he’s gay.”
Hobbs smirked. “Yeah, you would think so, wouldn’t you? But I’ve already had to ask her to back off.”
Ramsey’s eyes widened. “Are you serious? Oh, I wish I’d been there for that! Of course, I could have taken her on if I’d been your girlfriend, Deck.”
“Yeah, but would you have looked as hot doing it?” Hobbs asked. Then he wondered what had possessed him to say that. Judging by the expression on his face, Shaw was thinking the same thing.
Ramsey smiled. “Hell, yeah, I’d have looked even hotter, but I think you two make a cuter couple than Deck and me.”
“Please, please, don’t say that,” Shaw muttered.
“Fine,” Hobbs said. “We’re the cuter couple, and you’re the hot girlfriend.”
Unfortunately, it was at that moment that Nikolina chose to walk through the door and catch the last part of Hobbs’ statement. “You have girlfriend?” she asked.
“No, no!”
“He meant ex-girlfriend,” Ramsey said.
Hobbs winced. “It was many years ago.”
Nikolina was still gazing at Hobbs with accusing eyes. “You said she is hot.”
Hobbs laughed nervously. “For a computer hacker, I mean, and, uh, woman. Of course, I don’t think she’s hot because I’m, uh, gay and engaged to Shaw.”
Shaw was giving Hobbs a look that might have been translated as Will you shut the fuck up already?
Ramsey coughed. “I’d better go. I’ll see what I can do about disabling that backdoor. Bye, guys.”
“Thanks, Ramsey,” Shaw said.
Nikolina was now eyeing Hobbs with open hostility. “You cheat on my Deckie?”
“No, of course not!” Hobbs cried. “Like I said, it was years ago!” Hobbs was beginning to wish he and Ramsey had concocted a better lie, or, better still, had kept their mouths shut. “I’m-I’m happily engaged to Shaw now.”
Nikolina’s eyes narrowed. “He is your fiancé, but you call him ‘Shaw’?”
“Force of habit,” Shaw said. “We’ve worked together for many years. We’re used to calling each other by our last names.”
Nikolina smiled sadly at Shaw then turned back to Hobbs. “Why you say that woman is hot? You want to hurt Deck?”
“No, I…Well, I suppose I was trying to make Sh-Deck jealous because I was jealous. Deck was going to bring Ramsey because she’s a computer expert. I convinced him to bring me instead.”
That’s better, Hobbs thought. At least I’m getting somewhere in the vicinity of the truth.
Nikolina looked at Shaw again. “This is true?”
“Yes,” Shaw said. “I would have definitely preferred to bring Ramsey instead of Luke.”
Nikolina’s forehead furrowed. “But she is ex-girlfriend of Luke.”
“Yeah, but she’s better with computers and doesn’t blather on the way he does.”
Nikolina shook her head. “I think you try to make Luke jealous just like Luke tries to make you jealous.” She glanced at Hobbs. “Why do you fall in love with Deck? Was it his beautiful eyes? Or maybe it was his sexy voice?”
Without even thinking, Hobbs said, “It was his smile. You don’t get to see it very often, but when you do…” He trailed off when he noticed that Shaw was staring at him. Hobbs cleared his throat.
“Well, I’m sure you know what I mean.”
Nikolina’s expression softened. “Yes, yes, Deck has nice smile. He does not smile enough, no?”
“Yeah.”
“Hello, he is still in the room, thank you very much,” Shaw said, “and he smiles plenty.”
But Hobbs knew that wasn’t true. In fact, after the first time he’d made Shaw laugh, Hobbs often found himself saying outrageous things hoping to get Shaw to laugh again. He hadn’t succeeded nearly as much as he would have liked.
Telling himself that he was doing it simply to allay Nikolina’s suspicions and pass another one of her tests, Hobbs slipped off the desk and stood behind Shaw’s chair. He then placed a hand on Shaw’s shoulder, close enough to Shaw’s neck that he was able to caress it with his thumb. “You don’t smile nearly enough, babe, but I’m sure that will change once we’re married. Don’t you think so, Niki?”
“Yes, he will be happy then.” Nikolina bit her lip, and, to Hobbs’ chagrin, her big blue eyes filled with tears. “You are beautiful couple. You will make beautiful husbands too. I wish you will be happy.” Then Nikolina turned, gave them a tiny wave, and walked out of the office.
“It’s okay,” Shaw said. “You can drop the act now.”
“What?” Hobbs then remembered that his hand was still on Shaw’s shoulder, and he quickly removed it. “I, uh, might have got a bit carried away with the play acting.”
“No, no, it’s good. We need to be convincing. Hell, Twinkle Toes, you almost had me convinced.” Shaw stood up and stretched. “I had no idea you were such a good actor, though if you ever call me ‘babe’ again, I’ll rip your throat out…sweet cheeks.” Shaw swatted Hobbs on the ass as he moved past him. “I’m going to grab a coffee. You want anything?”
Hobbs shook his head, thinking he needed something much stronger than coffee.