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Hirano wasn’t a crier. The action didn’t seem to be in his dictionary. He was always the one who had everything handled, the delinquent you could rely upon, the honors student who never let his grades slip no matter what happened. He was the sturdy pillar for everyone around him, especially for Kagiura.
He wasn’t particularly articulate with emotions - he tended to not dwell on them too much. Emotions were complicated and didn’t follow any written steps like a lab experiment. He was much more affluent with his actions - borrowing a desk so he could make sure Kagiura wasn’t slacking off was more of his style.
So when he got a call from his dad, he couldn’t help but wonder: Why? Why was it that he didn’t feel his heart crumble?
The line had gone dead at least five minutes ago - was it? He didn’t know. He could feel his phone heating up, warming his palm, staring blankly at the end of the hallway.
Not that it helped.
It wasn’t fatal, but it was serious.
He was worried, yes, but panic didn’t fill his heart during the phone call. He was only two train changes away from home, he could probably inform the dorm manager or Hanzawa and head back.
For some reason, he didn’t feel like filing a request to visit home.
He had an exam on thermodynamics tomorrow. And an essay that was nearly half of his English grade. And a lab report on acid ionization. And Kagiura was probably waiting in the dorm, worried for Hirano, and probably struggling with math again.
When he broke away from staring at the end of the corridor, completely unresponsive to any stares he was receiving, his feet led him towards the end of the hallway and out onto the balcony. He could see the light of his dorm room from his position and the curtains slightly billowing in the light breeze.
The breeze was cold and sharp, but not strong. A normal autumn breeze. It was chilly but he didn’t bother buttoning up his blazer.
His mind began to wander. Would she have been okay if I had gone to check up on her? She sounded so tired the last time she called.
He didn’t hear the metal door creak behind him. Heavy footsteps fell on deaf ears.
“Hirano-san?” Hirano startled, hands gripping the railing of the balcony. Of course it had to be Kagiura. No one else would even bother looking for him.
“What’re you doing here?” Hirano asked, doing his best to keep his voice normal.
“Looking for you.” Kagiura said as if it were obvious. “I texted you, called you even. You didn’t reply or pick up, so I got worried.”
“Thought I’d enjoy the breeze,” Hirano said, looking out to the horizon. “The view’s nice, too.”
There was a pause then a sigh.
“The view is just concrete, I don’t really get what’s so nice about that.” Kagiura muttered, moving so he was standing next to Hirano. “But you’re obviously not feeling great.”
“You can see Minato Mirai from here,” Hirano argued back, his gaze fixed on the round shape of the Cosmo Clock in the distance. He didn’t trust himself to look at Kagiura. He exhaled, flexing his fingers. “That easy to read, huh?”
“We’ve been living together for nearly a year now,” Kagiura followed Hirano’s line of sight, landing on the Cosmo Clock that was changing colors - pinkish purple one second, greenish yellow the next. “But you look like you’re about to break the railing off, and your back’s slumped.”
Hirano hadn’t even noticed the death grip he had on the railing. He fixed his posture, wincing as he heard his spine crack a little.
Kagiura didn’t speak, just stood there next to him. The contact of their shoulders brushing was enough to ease Hirano’s racing mind, even if it was just by a little.
“I don’t know what happened but you always tell me to rely on you,” Kagiura’s voice was quiet, nearly lost to the breeze but Hirano could hear him clearly. “So, You can rely on me too, you know?”
Hirano closed his eyes, taking in a quick breath. Something in his heart shifted. The worry he should’ve felt earlier was building up inside of him now.
“My dad called earlier,” somehow, he was able to keep his voice from breaking. “My mom got a fever, a really bad one.” Kagiura didn’t say anything, silently gesturing for Hirano to continue. “It’s been there for a while now and it just won’t go.”
“I should’ve checked up on her last time I visited,” he muttered, his voice low. The death grip he had on the railing became killer. “I was only complaining about my workload the last time I called her, I didn’t even ask her if she was feeling okay.” He didn’t feel his shoulders tensing.
Then he could feel warmth being pressed to his back. “Wh-” He was cutoff by feeling strong arms wrap around his shoulders, forcing them to relax. Hirano instantly froze, becoming hyper-aware of Kagiura’s presence pressed to his back.
“I don’t know everything so I won’t say anything,” Kagiura’s voice was muffled through the blonde’s blazer. “But you can rely on me today.”
It was warm. Kagiura’s voice was warm and soothing like barley tea and sunshine. Hirano caved, leaning back into Kagiura’s hold, his head falling forwards as his breaths came out ragged.
He wasn’t a crier, but here he was now.
Kagiura didn’t move. He just held the blonde, gently, murmuring ‘It’s okay’, as the blonde cried.
Kagiura held him until the colors of the Cosmo Clock were becoming fainter and fainter, the lights of the buildings all around them slowly switching off one by one. The half-moon shone brightly in the sky above them, casting faint silver shadows on the balcony they were standing on.
“Did you seriously come looking for me or did Hanzawa send you?” Why he was asking that now of all times, he didn’t know either.
“You really think I wouldn’t look for you when you suddenly disappear?” Kagiura countered, causing Hirano to fall silent.
A second later, the blonde laughed, a breathy sound. “You’re too good, you know that?”
“I don’t go looking for just anyone, you know.” Kagiura mumbled, holding Hirano closer.
Hirano turned around in Kagiura’s hold, so they were facing each other. Kagiura blinked, tilting his head but didn’t look away.
Hirano stared, taking in the taller’s brown hair that appeared black in the darkness, the jade eyes that were filled with concern for him. The kouhai that had grown so much - not just physically, but mentally - in the year they had known each other for. From being the needy one to offering himself to be used.
“Thanks,” Hirano said, completely and genuinely grateful. He didn’t even feel uncomfortable in the embrace.
“Of course,” Kagiura removed his arms from Hirano’s shoulders, giving the older one space. “Anytime.”
Hirano felt his heart beat slowly, but not painfully. He could hear the sincerity in Kagiura’s words. “I might take you up on that sometime.”
Somehow, Hirano managed to avoid Hanzawa prowling about when he hurried to the shower. It was already late, he didn’t want to get them in even more trouble. He showered as if the worries he had been holding were something that could be washed away easily. When he returned to the dorms, he was greeted with a futon on the space between their beds, a single thick blanket and two pillows.
Kagiura had already changed into pajamas, sitting cross-legged on the futon, a glass of barley tea in his hands. “Welcome back, Hirano-san.” He greeted as Hirano closed the door and tossed his clothes onto the growing pile of the to-be-laundered clothes by his closet.
“Where’d you get that from?” Hirano nodded to the futon Kagiura was sat upon. “There’s no way you pulled it out of your ass.”
“Very funny, Hirano-san.” Kagiura frowned at Hirano’s attempt to make a joke. “I thought we could… You know… Sleep next to each other today,” he mumbled, staring into the depths of his glass as if he had found an interesting species of fish swimming inside.
“You’re asking for 28800 seconds, Kagi-kun,” Hirano teased, joining Kagiura on the futon, a towel around his neck soaking up any water droplets that dripped from the ends of his hair, smelling faintly of strawberries.
“It’s worth it if it means that you’ll be able to rest,” Kagiura answered honestly, finishing his glass of barley tea.
This guy really is too good. Hirano took the glass of barley tea Kagiura offered him, deciding not to ask where the boy had gotten the hot water and the tea bags from - he didn’t want to jump into that rabbit hole.
He took a long sip of his tea before calling out quietly, “Kagi-kun,”
Kagiura, who had been making himself comfortable under the blanket, shifted so he was on his side, facing Hirano. “Yeah?”
“Just wanted to say thanks.” Hirano took another sip of his barley tea.
“You already said that,” Kagiura’s eyebrows furrowed, looking up at Hirano with round jade eyes.
“Yeah, I know,” Hirano said, his lips curving. “Just felt like saying it again.”
Kagiura didn’t reply, a smile on his face. Hirano removed the towel around his neck, drying the ends of his hair before he placed it on top of his pillow, lying down next to Kagiura.
“It’s nice,” he said, turning so he was facing Kagiura. “Having someone to rely upon. It’s strange, though… I’ve never really relied on anyone unless it was for committee work.” He admitted.
Kagiura looked at him, a little startled. “Am I the first, then?” He asked, a faint edge to his voice.
Hirano was quiet for a second. “Yeah,” he said quietly. “You’re the first.”
“It’s easier when it’s you.” He clarified, the words slipped out before he could even stop himself.
“Huh?” Kagiura stared at Hirano, eyes wide.
“You just make it so easy…” Hirano muttered, finding that he couldn’t look away even if he wanted to. “It’s so easy to feel comfortable around you, to take care of you, to feel at ease when you’re around.” The words were falling while his brain lagged behind.
But none of these were things he would reclaim.
“Hirano-san…”
“I thought it was normal in a ‘senpai-kouhai’ relationship so I never really questioned it.” Kagiura listened with rapt attention as Hirano spoke. “But then I realized how much I enjoy waking up in the mornings and watching you study, seeing you give it your all in everything and there was just something in me that went ‘damn, I kinda feel the crazy urge to do my hardest too’,”
“Don’t.” Kagiura cut off the blonde, fingers gripping onto the blanket that covered both of them. “Just don’t.”
“What?” Hirano blinked, not understanding entirely.
“You make it sound like it’s one-sided,” Kagiura muttered, his voice shaking slightly. “Like I’m someone you just happened to grow fond of.”
He pushed himself to a sitting position, the blanket falling off him. “You say it’s easy when it’s me, but you have no idea how hard it’s been not to ask for more than what you’d let me have.”
Hirano stayed silent, watching carefully as Kagiura continued.
“I didn’t want to cross any of your boundaries but you’ve done it before me. And I don’t-” He stopped to take a breath. “I don’t want to hear something that I know you don’t mean.” His voice grew quiet, sad.
“What’s your point here?” Hirano’s throat suddenly felt dry, as if he hadn’t had the barley tea earlier.
“Don’t give me hope if you’re only gonna take it back.”
Hirano could feel his heart beat, painfully now, against his rib-cage. He wondered if Kagiura could hear it too.
“I’m not gonna take it back,” Hirano said, his voice sharp. “I meant everything I said.”
“Are you going to keep going then?” Hirano could see the image clearly - of a dog wagging its tail, fishing around for praises.
“Good night.” Hirano turned so he was lying on his back, the stilted grin on his face betraying what he was really feeling.
“So mean,” Kagiura pouted, moving back under the covers and next to Hirano. “Are you feeling any better yet?”
“A lot,” Hirano smiled, genuine and small. He waited until Kagiura was on his side and facing him before moving a little closer. “Can I be needy with you?”
“Always,”
Hirano’s fingers found the fabric of Kagiura’s shirt, gently holding it. He was feeling a lot less worried but it still wasn’t gone, not completely. “My mom used to tell me to do this if I was ever feeling worried or sad,” he murmured, pressing his face to Kagiura’s chest. “So-”
Instantly, he felt Kagiura’s arms wrap around him for the second time that day. Comforting and filled with so much warmth; Hirano doubted he had ever felt so safe in someone’s arms. He could hear Kagiura’s heartbeat, steady and rhythmic, from where he was pressed against Kagiura’s chest.
“You can just tell me you want to hug me, Hirano-san.” Kagiura teased, moving closer to their bodies were snug against each other. “Good night, I hope you sleep well.” He murmured, tangling a hand in Hirano’s damaged blonde hair.
Hirano didn’t reply, the taller’s heartbeat having lulled him to a deep sleep.