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It’s been a long time - too long, really - since Jimmy was last at the great estate. To this day, he still has regrets, is still a little angry with himself for giving in to Lady Anstruther’s request so willingly. One small mistake, wrong place, wrong time, and his whole life changed. He wasn’t exactly attached to his job as a footman at Downton but he did grow fond of the staff, especially Thomas who, against all odds and reason, became his best friend. He’d never imagined that he’d say that about someone like him. Turns out, he was wrong to be prejudiced. Thomas was the most loyal and supportive person he’s ever known – and that even at a time when Jimmy gave him nothing but trouble and almost ruined his life. But apparently, Thomas just liked him too much to let anything change his mind. The older Jimmy grows, the more he’s in awe of him and his actions.
Jimmy can’t say he was comfortable at first with the thought of being friends with Thomas when the man was so clearly in love with him. It still feels a little odd to him from time to time, but Jimmy is long over being disgusted. In a way, he feels flattered, seeing as Thomas doesn’t treat many people with such kindness. Jimmy was his chosen one and after he made clear where they stood, he never attempted anything else, never made Jimmy uncomfortable again. He respected his boundaries, something that he himself didn’t always succeed at. But it’s been years since his short-lived half-romance with Ivy and he’s matured. Somewhat, at least. To the extent that in hindsight, he appreciates Thomas’ friendship even more. And he misses him, he isn’t afraid to admit it. For that reason, besides being curious about what else has changed at Downton since he left, he’s especially eager to see Thomas again and learn what he’s been up to recently. And maybe, just maybe, confront him about why he stopped sending letters a few months ago.
It isn’t Thomas who opens the back door for him, but Anna who at first wears a rather gloomy expression on her face (nothing out of the ordinary for her) but then greets him warmly and full of surprise, inviting him inside. In a matter of seconds, he finds himself in the kitchen where he spots Mrs. Patmore and Daisy, working as a team on what looks like the early stages of a cake, as though no time has passed. The only indication for that would be Daisy’s haircut.
“Jimmy! Golly, is that really you?” Mrs. Patmore asks, a mix of surprise and dread in her voice. He can’t blame her. He caused quite the commotion down here back then. But it’s not his fault that he’s so handsome, is it?
“The same,” he replies smugly.
“Hello Jimmy,” Daisy says simply without so much as looking at him.
“Blimey, someone’s holding a grudge. Pardon me for existing.”
Daisy scoffs and then snaps, “You could have existed elsewhere!” Suddenly her hostile expression turns into a smile. “Oh, I’m just teasing you. I’m not holding a grudge. Really, it’s lovely to see you.”
After a moment of surprised silence, Jimmy lets out a laugh. “You got me good, Daisy! Honing your mischief skills, I see.”
“It certainly never got boring with you either, Jimmy,” Anna chimes in with a cunning smile.
“What’s all the ruckus he- James! A surprise, to be sure,” Mrs. Hughes who’s just entered the kitchen greets him.
Jimmy cringes at the formal name he’d successfully left behind. “Good to see you, Mrs. Hughes. I see nothing much has changed here while I was gone.”
Mrs. Hughes and Anna exchange a quick glance.
“Not much, indeed. Though you will find the number of staff has quite reduced and will likely continue to do so.”
That makes Jimmy’s eyebrows shoot up in alarm and he immediately inquires, “But Mr. Barrow’s still here, isn’t he?”
“Barely…” Mrs. Patmore mumbles through gritted teeth and averts her gaze.
Mrs. Hughes shoots her a stern look and then explains, “Yes, Mr. Barrow’s still with us but I’m not sure you can see him today. I’m afraid he’s been in a… difficult position lately.”
She sounds too serious for his liking, so he tries to lighten the mood. “Difficult position? My my, you make it sound awfully cryptic.”
Daisy’s head perks up. “And what’s difficult about it? I thought he’d simply been taken ill with the flu. And that’s over now.”
Mrs. Hughes casts a conspiratorial and somewhat concerned look at Jimmy. “Yes, of course. But the whole situation with his position as underbutler didn’t improve matters.”
From what Jimmy knows about the changing times, he’s pretty sure that the position of underbutler is more or less a relic already. But just to be sure, he asks, “What is his situation then?”
“I think she’s referring to the fact that I’m no longer wanted here,” comes a rather downbeat voice from behind. And considering the content of that statement, the accompanying sentiment is understandable.
Despite the sombre topic, the corners of Jimmy’s mouth turn upwards and he twirls around in eager anticipation to greet his friend while absentmindedly waiting for someone to correct him. His smile gets wiped off his face when his eyes land on him. Thomas looks dreadful. His complexion is even paler than usual, he has dark circles under his eyes and his shoulders are slightly slumped. And yet, the ghost of a smile tugs at his lips as he angles his head to let his eyes quickly scan Jimmy. His reaction now is a hollow fraction of the one when they first met.
“Jimmy,” he acknowledges him softly but makes no move to shake his hand, let alone hug him. He seems awfully distanced and listless and his eyes appear to be glazed over with some kind of fog.
“Hello Mr. Barrow.” He pauses and probes, “Thomas. It’s good to see you!”
For a moment, Thomas looks almost taken aback. Then he scoffs. “You sure about that?” There’s no mischievous glint in his eyes, no teasing undertone, only indifference. A moment later, he seems to register what he just said and tries to deflect Jimmy’s reply by brushing past him to fetch a tray for upstairs, although Jimmy is quite sure that that’s no longer part of his duties.
Thomas doesn’t meet his eye when he rushes back upstairs.
“That’s good old Thomas right there for ya,” Mrs. Patmore says with quite a judgmental undertone and Jimmy can’t help but let all his incredulousness seep into his expression when he gives her a pointed look. Does she know anything about Thomas? At all? That is so not like him!
The look that Mrs. Hughes gives the floor tells him that he likely hasn’t heard the full story yet. But before he can ask her, Mr. Carson requests her presence.
“So, what are you planning to do while you’re here? Where are you staying?” Daisy asks, sounding genuinely interested.
“I’m staying in a pub in town. And as a matter of fact, I came here to see all of you. Especially Mr. Barrow.” He shrugs. “He was my best friend here after all.”
“You had a funny way of showing that in the beginning,” Daisy comments, confusion on her face.
“Well,” Mrs. Patmore adds, “if you ask me, he didn’t seem too thrilled to see you.” Jimmy doesn’t like admitting it but she’s right and that sting a little. The way Thomas behaved when he worked at Downton seemed to him like he’d always want to be his friend. And he’s written so many heartfelt letters. Up to a certain point at least.
“He didn’t seem too thrilled about anything,” Jimmy argues, crossing his arms over his chest defensively.
Mrs. Patmore shrugs and goes back to kneading the dough. “That probably doesn’t help.”
Jimmy decides to talk to someone more helpful. In the halls he spots a footman he’s never seen before. Maybe someone neutral will be more willing to tell him what’s going on.
“Hi there,” he says as he extends his hand. The tall, dark-haired footman shakes it a little hesitantly. “I’m Jimmy, I used to work here.” He points at the man’s livery. “Same as you.”
“Oh, nice to meet you then. I’m Andy,” he answers with a smile.
Jimmy gets straight to the point. “Mr. Barrow and I have been close friends while I worked here. How’s he been?” He takes care to sound as nonchalant and oblivious as possible. Somewhat expectedly, Andy freezes slightly and swallows hard as he stares at him with wide eyes. His reaction couldn’t be more cartoonish or revealing.
“He- Well, he’s been ill.” Andy offers a feeble smile and a shrug. “The flu.”
Jimmy raises an eyebrow at him. “Really? I don’t recall him ever being sick the whole time I worked here.” It isn’t exactly true but telling the truth isn’t something he’s aiming at when no one seems to be returning the favour.
“No? Well, it caught us by surprise too. I mean, him. It came on rather sudden.”
This whole flu business feels an awful lot like a déjà vu. Didn’t Mrs. Hughes and Mrs. Patmore pretend to have the flu when they wanted to prevent Alfred from visiting? Is the flu their go-to excuse for when things get messy? Does anyone here ever truly have the flu or is there always some conspiracy going on in the background?
Jimmy gives his head a vague shake in annoyance. “I should think so. Just like the fact that the position of an underbutler is becoming more and more obsolete?”
“Well, he’s still here, isn’t he?”
“Yes, but for how long?”
Before Andy can reply, he’s called to the kitchen by Mrs. Patmore who seems to have heard his voice. With an apologetic look he welcomes the escape and heads off.
Jimmy is starting to lose patience. Something is going on with his friend but no one seems willing to let him in on it, so whatever it is, it must be serious. Or embarrassing. Or both. But compared to Andy, who definitely knows what it is, he has a feeling that Mrs. Patmore and Daisy are oblivious. Which makes it all the more mysterious, seeing that it seems to be a well-kept secret even among the staff.
The sight of Mr. Molesley and Miss Baxter tears him from his thoughts.
“James? Is that you?” Mr. Molesley asks.
“It is indeed, Mr. Molesley,” Jimmy says with a charming smile and then turns to Miss Baxter.
“Jimmy! What a lovely surprise! How’ve you been?” For some reason, she seems genuinely happy to see him.
“Oh, I’ve been dandy. Just looking for my good friend Mr. Barrow now.”
Contrary to his expectation, their reactions aren’t at all similar. While Mr. Molesley only raises his chin and ever so slightly narrows his eyes, Miss Baxter lowers her head and looks as guilty as if she’s personally murdered him. If Jimmy hadn’t already seen Thomas with his own eyes, now would be the time that he’d start worrying if someone might have.
“What’s the matter, Miss Baxter? Are you unwell?” He addresses her, sounding a little more spiteful than intended.
Mr. Molesley takes a protective step in front of her. “Mr. Barrow’s influence is evident indeed,” he bites. Jimmy’s eyebrows shoot up in indignation but he doesn’t get the chance to retort anything when Miss Baxter puts her hands on Molesley’s arm and gently pushes him to the side while she takes a step forward to stand next to him.
“Thank you, Mr. Molesley, but I can handle this. And please, don’t speak ill of Mr. Barrow. Not now.” Jimmy is almost astonished at the amount of sincerity and emotion in Miss Baxter’s mellow voice as she looks up at Molesley with her dark doe eyes.
Molesley instantly falters, nods in acknowledgment and returns to his duties. Which leaves Jimmy with Miss Baxter. When he catches her eye, he feels as if he may finally get some answers.
“Why’s now a bad time, Miss Baxter?” He asks carefully.
She gives him a pained look. “He- he’s been through a rough patch.”
Jimmy is starting to get tired of empty phrases. “I need to know exactly what happened.”
“Well…” Miss Baxter shifts uncomfortably and averts her gaze. “It isn’t my place to tell.”
“But something’s going on, right? And it’s not the flu, is it?”
She hesitates a moment, apparently contemplating whether she can trust him enough. “No,” she eventually replies sadly. “It’s not the flu. But I won’t say more.” She takes a step forward and squints at him defensively. “He’s my friend too, you know. You can ask him but I’m not sure he’ll want you to know. And please, don’t push him. Be patient. Be gentle.” She puts a hand on his shoulder and smiles sadly before she leaves him be.
If Jimmy wasn’t worried before, he sure as hell is now, and even more so when he notices the object of his concerns walking down the stairs. The underbutler freezes for a moment when he catches sight of Jimmy and then resumes his descent in a much slower, more controlled manner, his gaze still fixed on the former footman.
“You’re still here,” Thomas states glumly, a hint of confusion in his voice. Now that Jimmy knows that something is wrong with him, it’s glaring and alarming at once how odd Thomas’ behaviour is. He’s acting so unlike himself.
“I am. So are you,” he fishes with slightly narrowed eyes.
“Well, not for long, as you know.” Thomas somehow manages to look even more downcast than before as he reaches the bottom of the stairs and comes to a halt.
“But that’s not the end of the world, is it? You can find another place, another job.”
Thomas is silent for a few moments. “I already tried.” Even with his voice so low, he makes it sound surprisingly desperate.
“And?”
Thomas shrugs half-heartedly. “Didn’t work out.”
“So what? That’s no reason to give up. You must carry on!”
There is nothing but emptiness in Thomas’ eyes when he looks at Jimmy. “Must I?” He says slowly as his face scrunches up in the slightest hint of a grimace.
Jimmy can’t stand it any longer. He takes a few steps towards him and fixes him with an openly concerned gaze. “Thomas, what is going on with you? Are you okay, really?” he asks quite forcefully.
Thomas’ body language betrays his urge to back away. “Sure. I’m carrying on, seeing as it’s my only option.” He makes a move to walk past Jimmy but the former footman won’t allow him to leave a second time. Before he can think about it, he grabs one of Thomas’ wrists and yanks at it to prevent him from leaving.
He expects Thomas to complain. To get angry. Or to be surprised. What he doesn’t expect is the hissing noise that escapes Thomas’ lips as he inhales sharply through his teeth and turns his face away but not before Jimmy sees it scrunch up in pain.
And what he certainly doesn’t expect is the soft sensation under his hand where there should be skin. A softness that doesn’t feel at all like apparel. Unwittingly, his eyes wander downward and land on the bandages around Thomas’ wrist. The one that he’s still got a firm grip on. He immediately lets go when he realises that Thomas is injured and he’s hurting him, though he’s too startled to apologize.
Thomas quickly pulls his arm towards his chest and cradles it with his other hand.
Jimmy’s eyes widen impossibly when they land on the bandages on his other wrist. More injuries? And what a peculiar place for-
His breath catches in his throat and he feels his heart pick up speed as realization hits him like a moving steam engine. There is only one explanation. It’s all coming together: The bandages, the secrecy, the awkwardness… Thomas being a shadow of himself.
That’s what trying to kill oneself would do to a person and the people around them. It makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is how on earth it could have even come to this. He was only gone for one and a half years, after he worked at Downton for almost four, and yet Thomas’ situation seems to have deteriorated exponentially when the biggest struggle he had while Jimmy was there, was because of Jimmy himself.
“Jesus, Thomas,” Jimmy breathes, still too shocked to form a coherent sentence.
Thomas doesn’t move, doesn’t look at him, doesn’t say anything. Jimmy wishes he would because he doesn’t know what to say either and since being at a loss of words isn't a sensation that he’s particularly familiar with he isn't quite sure how to cover it up.
After what feels like an eternity but was probably just a few seconds, Thomas turns his head even further away from him and mutters, “I suppose you wish you hadn’t come now.” It’s so low that Jimmy almost misses it.
And how can Thomas say that? It’s quite the contrary! He wishes he’d decided to visit earlier.
“W- why didn’t you say anything? Why didn’t you write?”
Now Thomas slowly turns toward him. There are unshed tears in his eyes but other than that his appearance remains unchanged.
“I don’t recall you answering many of my letters.”
“No, and I’m sorry about being an unreliable pen pal but I told you writing letters isn’t my thing. It hasn’t stopped you from sending them though. Not until recently anyway. And I did read them all, you know.”
The look that Thomas gives him makes him doubt that he’s even processed half of what he just said. “Well. Glad to hear it,” he answers curtly and moves to leave again but Jimmy won’t have it.
“When? When did you do it?”
Thomas comes to a reluctant halt, his back still facing Jimmy.
“I don’t know, couple days ago. What’s it to you?”
Jimmy’s jaw drops. “And you’re already back to regular work?!” he asks incredulously.
Thomas turns around halfway. “It’s my job. Might as well do it while I’m still here.”
“But- they can’t throw you out now!”
Thomas shakes his head and scoffs. It’s a hollow sound. “Of course, I’m sure this’ll convince them to keep me on.” His voice is dripping with self-deprecation.
“That’s not- they wouldn’t be so cruel!” Jimmy all but shouts.
“Who wouldn’t be so cruel, James?” Carson’s deep voice announces his approach.
Jimmy’s eyes briefly flick to him before they fix Thomas again. To his great frustration, Thomas smiles at Mr. Carson. There isn’t a trace of sincerity in that smile.
“No one, Mr. Carson. Especially not you,” he says overly friendly before heading off with slumped shoulders that betray his true sentiments. From what Jimmy knows about Carson’s opinion on certain matters concerning Thomas, he’s sure that that statement was 100% ironic and he can’t shake the feeling that Carson somehow played a part in this whole mess.
Jimmy narrows his eyes at the butler. “Wouldn’t you, Mr. Carson? Would you say you’ve never been cruel?”
Raised eyebrows and an angled head signal Carson’s surprise at the straight-forward and slightly impertinent question.
“I would say so, yes, James. I may occasionally be harsh in dealing out justice, but I am never cruel.”
Balling his hands to fists at his sides, Jimmy casts him a disgruntled look but he doesn’t want to let himself get riled up further. He still needs to be there for Thomas now, seeing as no one else has been lately, and getting thrown out by Carson certainly won’t make that easier.
With a last scrutinizing gaze, Carson continues towards his office.
Jimmy is seething. Not only was his best friend driven to the point where he saw no other option than to take his own life, no, it was the people he worked with every day, the people closest to him, some that he maybe even looked up to, that fuelled this. And then they just go about their business as if nothing happened when it feels like Jimmy's whole world stopped spinning the moment he found out. Some of them are regretful, alright, but half of them don’t even seem to know! They are positively ignorant and thus have no idea how they should behave around him now. For all he knows, with wounds so fresh, both physically and mentally, Thomas may still be in danger of relapsing. And he’s going to make sure to prevent that at all costs.
“James,” Mrs. Hughes’ voice from behind him startles him out of his tense thoughts and he spins around.
“Mrs. Hughes, I-“
She puts a comforting hand on the side of his arm. “I can see that he wants to talk to you. All that time seems not to have dulled his trust in you. He hasn’t confided that much in anyone else yet.” She calls that confiding in someone?
“I want to help him,” Jimmy says stoically.
“I know you do. And maybe you can. The Crawleys are currently having luncheon. When they are finished, I’m sure Mr. Barrow will have a moment to talk to you. You can wait in my sitting room, and I will bring him there. That is, if he wants to talk.”
Jimmy feels a spark of hope ignite at her kind gesture. He’s always known that she is one of the most empathetic people working at the estate. “Thank you, Mrs. Hughes. Truly. I will do what I can.”
She gives him a sad, thin-lipped smile before brushing past him to get back to her duties.
Jimmy finds her sitting room and enters, hesitantly sitting down on one of the chairs by the small table. He doesn’t even manage to remain seated for ten seconds before he feels the urge to get up again and starts pacing about the room, his thoughts spiralling. Thomas tried to kill himself and Jimmy needs to wait for the insanely rich family that has literally everything to finish eating before he can talk to him? This situation feels even more absurd now that he’s been around and that many of these huge estates have changed so dramatically. But when Thomas does get here, what is he going to say to him? What if he makes it worse? What if he drives him into a second attempt? What if Thomas doesn’t even want to talk to him, what if he doesn’t get the chance to help him, to tell him how much he means to him? The anxiety is eating him up and it makes every second ticking by feel like an hour. He’s never had to handle a situation like this. There isn’t even really anyone else who he thinks would confide in him with something like this. In him of all people!
Shaking his thoughts away, he stops pacing and runs a hand over his face.
The last thing Thomas needs is a bundle of nerves shouting at him, freaking him out and involuntarily pushing him away. He needs to be calm when Thomas gets there and, more importantly, honest. He’s sure that Thomas would look right through any fake pep talk and feigned feelings and all the trust would sail right out the window. He can’t afford to alienate the man any further. Thomas needs to know that it’s Jimmy talking and Jimmy does not practice speeches.
The alternative to practicing a speech, however, is thinking about Thomas’ suicide attempt. The how, the when, the why. Jimmy is even less inclined to do that, especially when Thomas isn’t around and he can’t make sure that the man is safe.
He’s still contemplating what to think about when there’s a faint knock on the door. Unaware of how much time has passed, he doesn’t know who to expect.
“Come on in.” A few moments later, the door opens slowly. “Before you ask, Mrs. Hughes allowed me to-“ he cuts himself off when he realises that it’s Thomas. His eyes widen.
“I know,” Thomas says, head hung low. He doesn’t even look at Jimmy. “It’s kind of her.”
“Is that why you’re here?” Jimmy asks, genuinely curious.
Thomas shrugs listlessly and hesitantly sits down on a chair, as if he’s preparing to get interrogated, still not lifting his head. Instead, he just stares at his hands.
Suddenly confronted with the situation, Jimmy proceeds to pace, unsure of how to start.
“You don’t have to say anything, Jimmy,” Thomas beats him to it, his voice barely audible and uncharacteristically slow, so Jimmy stops pacing to be able to hear him better. “I understand if you want nothing to do with me anymore.”
Jimmy can’t hide the frustration in his voice as he gives his friend a scowl that he thankfully doesn’t see. “What makes you think that’s what I want?”
Thomas just gives a vague shrug in response.
Jimmy stares at him for a few more moments, incredulous, before grabbing the other chair and taking a seat opposite of him. “Whatever happened to you, Thomas? You’ve always been so strong; how could it possibly have come to this?”
There’s no shift in Thomas’ posture or expression, his eyes are empty, and his voice is still hardly more than a mumble. “Guess I’m not as strong as you thought.”
“But why? Why did you do it?”
This time, Thomas turns his head to the side, struggling to find the right words. “I… I couldn’t see the future.”
“Because you lost your job? I can help you with the search, you know.”
“It’s not just that.” He sucks in a breath. “I’ve got no friends.”
Jimmy scoffs. He can’t help it. “You know I’m sitting right here, man.”
For the first time, Thomas lifts his head to meet his eyes. The look in his own ones is dark and haunted. “You were gone for more than a year.”
“I know, and I’m sorry I never visited and barely answered your letters but that doesn’t mean I stopped being your friend!”
“Even so.” He sighs. “I’ve got no friends here.”
“I don’t believe that.”
Thomas gives him a weird, pointed look. “’Harsh reality is always better than false hope’.”
“What?”
“Just something that Dr. Clarkson told me.”
Jimmy scowls. What a great thing to say to someone who’s struggling. “Well, this hope isn’t false. I only exchanged a handful of sentences with Miss Baxter earlier but one thing she immediately clarified is that she’s your friend.”
“Miss Baxter?”
“Yeah.”
Staring straight ahead, Thomas blinks once. “Funny.”
Jimmy has never heard such a glum use of that word. He waits for him to elaborate further but, unsurprisingly, in vain, so he continues.
“Andy seemed quite concerned too, just like Mrs. Hughes and Anna. Everyone who knows, really, except Mr. Carson I guess but you know how he is.”
The shake of Thomas’ head that follows is barely noticeable. “I’m sure they’re concerned. Just not about me.”
“How can you say that?”
“They weren’t exactly sad when they learned I was to leave soon. Andy was relieved, really.”
“Oh, never mind him!”
“He apologized. But he did let everyone talk him out of having anything to do with me.”
“I’m sure that’s not true!”
Finally, there’s a shift in Thomas’ expression. Or not so finally, Jimmy decides a second later because now Thomas is fixing him with a surprisingly angry gaze that only gets undermined by the tears welling up in his eyes. Jimmy almost wishes he’d look away again.
“No, I’m sorry, Thomas! I wasn’t here, I can’t know.”
Thomas’ eyes search his face for truth and when he seems to have found it, he continues. “I-“ He swallows hard. “I just wanted to be friends with him.” He ends on a whimper.
“I’m sorry, Thomas. Sorry they were all being narky sods to you.”
The emotions on Thomas’ face are once again replaced with lethargy. Suddenly, he looks exhausted. “It made it easier, really. I knew no one was going to be upset. No one would miss me. And… I can’t say I feel relieved that I didn’t succeed.”
Now it’s Jimmy’s turn to swallow hard as a shiver runs down his spine. He doesn’t know what to say. “Thomas…”
“I tried…,” he croaks. “I really tried to find a new job.”
“I’m sure you did.”
Thomas pauses again, looking deep in thought. “I… don’t understand why they stopped me,” he says slowly, his voice weak. “They wanted me to leave. But I had nowhere to go. I thought… I thought I was doing everyone a favour. No one wanted me.”
“I want you!”
Thomas’ continued indifference even after that statement flabbergasts him. A few years ago he would have been thrilled to hear that. Jimmy can see the mental image of the glow in his eyes clear as day. Now, however, those eyes are void of all emotion and it pains Jimmy to see him so changed.
“Thomas. Tell me everything, please. I’m here to help.”
Thomas raises his head and meets his eye. He looks impossibly sad and it breaks Jimmy’s heart.
“You already know the story. I antagonized everyone around me. Now I’m paying the price.”
“But that can’t be all! I mean, as you said, I know that story. But you’ve worked here for so many years. So, what’s changed?”
“There’s no place for me in this world.”
“Oh, bollocks! Of course there is!”
“Well, if there is, it’s obvious it doesn’t want to be found.”
“You do realise that there’s a world outside Yorkshire, right?”
Judging by his look maybe that thought hasn’t occurred to him. “But… I like it here. I want to stay.”
“But why, if it’s not good for you? You’ll always be reminded of the bad things that happened here for as long as you stay.”
“Maybe those are my just desserts. It’ll remind me to stop being a scheming bastard.”
Jimmy draws his head back, raising his eyebrows in mild indignation on Thomas' behalf. “I will quote Miss Baxter here and say don’t speak ill of yourself.”
“Plenty of that to go around.”
“Who?” Jimmy asks with his eyes narrowed to slits.
Thomas angles his head ever so slightly. “Why? What are you going to do?”
“I just want to understand, Thomas. Please tell me, especially if you feel like you can’t trust anyone else.”
Thomas sighs as his gaze drops to the floor. “What does it matter now that it’s over.”
Jimmy wants to shake him. Shake the true Thomas out of this broken shell of a man. “What is over? Your depression clearly isn’t! You just told me you wished you’d succeeded. To be honest, I’m really scared you’ll try again.”
“Don’t worry, I was just being silly.” To Jimmy’s great irritation, Thomas has the audacity to give him a thin-lipped smile. “I’m fine now.”
“Thomas, so help me-“
“Andy,” Thomas interrupts him. Jimmy hopes it’s because he truly wants to share this information with him and not because he feels the need to evade Jimmy’s anger like this. “He avoided me for months. I got along well with him in the beginning. Then he found out about…” He raises his head shyly to meet Jimmy’s eyes for a second before turning further away from him. “He kept running away. Barely spoke a word to me.”
“His loss, really.”
“But not his fault. He was told to steer clear of me and who can blame him. I think you’d agree.”
“I don’t-“
“They advised me to try being nicer.” Thomas draws his eyebrows together, looking as though he’s trying to piece together a particularly complicated puzzle. “I was being nice to Andy.”
Jimmy shakes his head and scoffs. “You have a right to be angry about this. I would be too. I mean, I am.”
“I gained his trust again,” Thomas continues as if in a trance. “On my own. Figured something out about him. Gave him secret lessons to improve it.” He pauses and tilts his head ever so slightly to the side as a frown appears on his face. “I just wanted to help him. I figured it out first and I didn’t put him on the spot. No one was supposed to know. It was our secret.”
“That’s very kind of you, Thomas.”
“Mr. Carson…” Thomas’ eyes widen a little at the memory. “He noticed our secret arrangement and…” He folds in on himself and becomes impossibly smaller, his voice raw with emotion. “I told him it was nothing like that, but he didn’t believe me. I gave him my word. It… it wasn’t good enough.”
“Oh, Thomas…” Jimmy can’t see his face anymore but he notices the rising whimper in his voice and the tears falling from his eyes. Throughout their entire friendship, Jimmy hadn’t seen him cry once.
“I- I still had Andy though. But then they took that away from me too. I was replaced by a real teacher and it all went back to the way it was. Andy was grateful, of course, but I wasn’t the one best suited for the job anymore. I never had been.”
“You did a very kind thing and got misjudged for it. Nothing about that was your fault, Thomas. I hope you know that.”
“It wasn’t just Mr. Carson. Mrs. Patmore told me to give it up. Even- even Miss Baxter-“ he lets out an involuntary sob, “even she thought-“
“Screw ‘em. Screw ‘em all, is what I say!”
“No.” Thomas raises his head and now Jimmy can see his tear-stained face for the first time. His eyes are red and puffy and the tears keep flowing. Jimmy is shocked into silence to see him this vulnerable, to see such raw emotion on his face, and must take a deep breath to steady himself. He doesn’t know what hurts more to see, the apathy or the sorrow. “I’ve done her wrong. I only got her this job, so I could use her as my personal spy and terrorize her through blackmail. And she- she repaid me by saving my life. Twice.”
“Twice?” Jimmy asks and is surprised when Thomas’ eyes widen in shock. What could there possibly still be that’s too embarrassing to tell while he’s crying his eyes and pouring his soul out in front of him?
“I-“ Thomas stammers, the stream of tears stopping momentarily. “Shortly after you left, I tried to- tried to cure myself.”
Jimmy can’t help but frown. “Cure? Cure yourself of what?”
Thomas’ lip trembles. “I- I wanted to- to be like everyone else. I wanted to be normal.”
Jimmy’s frown intensifies as he thinks about the implications of that statement until a moment later realization hits him. “How?”
“It started with electrotherapy. Then afterwards I kept taking pills and injected myself with what Dr. Clarkson later told me was a solution of saline. But the syringe wasn’t sterilized, so I got an infection. It hurt. I couldn’t sleep anymore. Miss Baxter took me to see the doctor.”
Once again, Jimmy doesn’t have words. If he’d known how bad it had gotten for Thomas after he left… He scoots closer to Thomas with his chair and places a reassuring hand on his thigh, giving him a sad smile.
Thomas blinks at him in surprise at the gesture but doesn’t react otherwise.
“I learned that there is no cure,” he concludes.
“Of course there isn’t. Because it’s nothing that needs to be cured.”
Jimmy isn’t sure what kind of reaction he expected but Thomas just fixing him with a stern gaze while fresh tears freely fall from his eyes isn’t one of them.
“Tell that to Mr. Carson.”
Jimmy can’t help but roll his eyes in annoyance. “Carson… He’s a man stuck in the last century. I don’t mind who you like and I’m sure Miss Baxter doesn’t either. Or Mrs. Hughes or Anna, from what you told me. Even Andy got around. But Mr. Carson’s a hopeless cause.”
“And yet he’s the one with a stable job, a loving wife and his own home.”
He’s got a point, Jimmy must admit that. But to him it only proves that life isn’t always fair.
“But you have me! Doesn’t that count for anything?”
Thomas sniffles. “I’m surprised you’re still here.”
“Oh, Thomas. When are you finally going to accept that I simply like you and want to be around you?”
Thomas hesitates. “You mean it?”
“Of course. I’m here for you. And I ain’t leaving you alone anymore.”
“Don’t make promises you can’t keep.”
Jimmy laughs away his doubts. “Oh, I would never! Not when it comes to you, anyway.”
“You may change your mind when I’m out of a job.”
“You’ll find a new one. With my help.”
Thomas doesn’t answer, instead his gaze becomes distant. “When I… The last few months as I was applying for different jobs… I’ve never been so aware of the changing times as I was then. Empty houses, no staff and old men desperately clinging to times long gone.”
“The world is changing. But not necessarily for the worse.”
“Isn’t it? Being a servant is what I’ve done my whole life, it’s all I know. But now that I finally have a good position, I’m forced to give it up.”
“What do you mean it’s all you know? You know a lot about clocks too, and you were a medic. Hell, you’re a war veteran! And who knows? There may be much better jobs out there. You’re pretty darn smart already and you can always learn more.”
After a moment of just staring at Jimmy, Thomas tilts his head. “But that’s not all there is to life, is it?”
“Thankfully not!” Jimmy agrees with a shake of his head and an expression of disgust on his face.
Thomas fixes him with his gaze. “There’s also marriage.”
“Yes but… That’s not all there is either.”
“Really? What else is there then? When there’s no one who likes you, even just as a friend?”
Jimmy raises a defensive hand. “Alright, first of all, we already established that you do have friends. And second, there’s loads of things! Loads of fun things. At least that’s what life is about for me. Having fun. New experiences. Enjoying myself.”
“I don’t enjoy myself most of the time.”
“Thomas-“
“And all I have is myself. I can never share a life with someone.”
“Come on, you don’t know that. The times are changing.”
“Not fast enough. And not like that.”
“There must be other men like you out there! You just got to find them.”
Thomas sighs defeatedly. “Even so, anything I’d do would be a crime. And I can never properly get married and share a life with someone like that. I just… I’m not allowed to.”
“You’re right. It’s hard. It’s going to be hard. But I will help you, like all the times you’ve helped me. I’m your friend and from now on I’ll be by your side again. You can always count on me. Remember what I told you when I left? I said I hoped you’d find some happiness. And I still do. If you can’t find any on your own, I’ll help you with it.”
“You don’t know what you’re getting into. I’m a nuisance. A liability.”
“Nonsense! You’re a great man and you’re my friend. My best friend. You could never be a nuisance to me. And I’m sorry they made you feel that way. Let me enjoy your company, for both of us. Until you can, too.”
The smile that Thomas gives him may be tiny but for the first time that day it appears to be genuine. “Thank you, Jimmy.” He pauses and his eyes briefly flicker back and forth before they land on Jimmy again and a fraction of their former intensity is back. “I hope you realise how much I appreciate you,” he says quietly.
“Oh, don’t you worry, I do. And that same sentiment? That’s how I feel about you. I’ve never been more honest or sure about anything in my life and I hope to God that you can believe me one day.”
Thomas’ look tells him that it will still be a long way until then. But that’s okay. Jimmy is here now and Thomas is with him. More importantly, Thomas is still here when he may just as well not have been. Unbeknownst to him, Jimmy was given a second chance and he’s dead set on making the most of it this time.