Archive of Our Own

It's raining again. Matthew notices that on days that bad things happen, it always seems to rain. Like today. He's just sitting on the windowsill of his and his boyfriend's shared apartment, watching the world go by outside and not really thinking of anything in particular, when the door suddenly swings open, nearly coming off its hinges.

Matthew turns his head in shock at the sound and sighs when he takes in the elder's state. The heavy smell of booze on him smacks him in the face, the stench so overwhelming that it makes him feel nauseous. Just from Junhwan's demeanor, Matthew can already tell the older is about to pick a fight with him again. But little does he know that it's about to be for the last time. 

Matthew gets up, cautiously approaching him like one would a scared animal, since the older can be quite unpredictable when he drinks. He tries to test the waters. "J, you good?"

Junhwan clutches at his head as if the mere sound of Matthew's voice grates on his ears. "Don't talk to me."

Matthew pulls away the hand that he was starting to reach out to the older as if he'd been burned. It falls uselessly to his side as he holds his breath, waiting to see what he'll say next.

"You always do this." Junhwan starts angrily. Matthew can already feel himself getting a migraine. He knows how this is going to go. "I'm so tired of this. You're not my mom. You care way too much. I don't need you to take care of me. So just fuck off. Okay?"

Matthew furrows his eyebrows in confusion. "...We're literally dating, though? Of course I'd care about you, I want you to be happy. What are you saying? Did you forget it's been five years already?"

Junhwan looks up at him with what seems like a Herculean effort, swaying on his feet as he does so. He looks at Matthew as if he's seeing him for the first time. He scoffs meanly, "Yeah, right. Dude, you're delusional. As if I'd ever want anyone like you. Who would? You're nothing."

Matthew nods wordlessly, already feeling his eyes well up with tears. He should've expected this— he's always been harsh with his words— but they hit a little harder today, hurt just a bit more.

This seems to delight the older man as he continues to taunt him. "What? Nothing to say? You're just going to stand there and cry? You're so weak you can't even fight back."

Matthew shoots him a watery smile, "I think you've had a bit too much to drink. Clearly, you want to be left alone, so I'll give you that. Good night."

He turns quickly and starts to head back to their room when Junhwan grabs his wrist and spins him around, chest heaving.

"I don't want you in my house anymore."

"Your house? Are you kidding me? I pay most of the rent! You always give me some shitty excuse about why you can't make it up this month despite you apparently doing overtime at work, which they should be paying you for by the way! But all you ever do is gamble our money away and say you'll make it big this time," he throws his hands up in frustration, "And sometimes you don't even come home! I have to hear from a friend you're out partying again or you're doing fuck knows what. And every time, it's the same excuse. That you're sorry and you'll change. Did you ever even like me?" Matthew finishes, chest heaving, tears flowing freely down his face.

Junhwan is fuming at this point. Matthew knows he can't deny his claims because they're true. He's been taking Matthew for granted, but he's always gotten what he wanted. 

"Get out." His tone is icy-cold, sending a deep chill down Matthew's spine.

It's been a week since their fight and since Matthew's now ex-boyfriend threw him out, clearing out his bank account and taking everything from him, only leaving the younger with the stuff he'd had when they first moved in together. Junhwan's been blowing up his phone, manically to the point where Matthew decides it's better to just keep it off most of the time.

He never thought he'd be in the kind of situation where he'd end up camping at a park, hoping to get his break soon and maybe start rebuilding his life again, but it doesn't always go the way you want. At least he doesn't feel like the odd one out, considering there are other campers here too. 

Despite a lot of them being so much worse off than he is, they're still extremely friendly and cheerful. He even befriended a couple around his age who are more than happy to share things with him, if needed. A lot of them have been there for many years, which worries him. Would he suffer the same fate? He doesn't think he's built for this lifestyle. He feels more and more like a nuisance with each day that passes, where some random civilian will stumble across his tent and confront him, asking what he's doing there and threatening to report him to the police. Thankfully, nothing ever happens, but he still can't help but be on his guard. He's always so paranoid that he knows realistically that he can't keep living like this. 

He's just coming back from a walk to clear his head when he already senses something's amiss. The frustration and helplessness about his situation were really starting to get to him. He feels uneasy as he approaches his tent and realizes it’s open. He definitely made sure to zip it up before he went for a jog, so he's already on high alert.

He doesn't have anything to defend himself, so he just calls out, "Who's there?"

He doesn't get any answer other than an owl hooting and flying away. He feels chilly all of a sudden, so he wraps his arms around himself. "I said, who's there?" he calls again, his voice cracking on the last word. He curses to himself.

There's a rustle, and suddenly a guy emerges. The way the moon hits his face makes him look terrifying, and Matthew instinctively takes a step back. The stranger smiles at him, but the light makes his teeth look razor sharp. Matthew feels his blood run cold. "What do you want?" 

The stranger hums as if deep in thought before he says, "You. I've been watching you since you got here, and you always looked so alone. I thought it was time for me to introduce myself."

Matthew shakes his head, taking another step back. "This can't be happening. This is just some crazy nightmare." 

The stranger frowns at this. "What do you mean? I'm real. Do you want me to pinch you so you know you're not dreaming?"

Matthew is shaking like a leaf now. "Please just leave me alone," he pleads. He doesn't even think before he flees. He doesn't look back once, but he knows he can't go back to that park ever again. He finds himself at the bus stop once again, already feeling like he's starting to disassociate as he sits down. He doesn't remember the last time he felt this unsafe.

Hanbin is making his way home from his shift when he sees a guy around his age sitting at a bus stop. Something seems off, so he can't bring himself to keep walking. He feels bad and a little like a creep as he stands there watching him, watching multiple buses coming and him getting on none of them. Hanbin wonders if the stranger is waiting for a friend or something. He doesn't seem to want to be disturbed, so when it starts to rain, Hanbin goes on his way. 

The next time, Hanbin is carrying a bunch of groceries home from a late-night run, and again he sees the same guy at the bus stop. He's starting to wonder if he just hallucinated him or made him up. He considers approaching him this time, but maybe it's just a mere coincidence. The bags are starting to hurt his arms, and it suddenly starts raining heavily, so he regrettably walks past so he can get home quickly and not catch a cold. The guy still lingers in his mind.

By the third time, he's starting to think that he's in some kind of social experiment or hidden camera. Again, the guy is at the bus stop, just staring blankly ahead. Hanbin can't help but be curious about him, but he's scared of approaching him in case the stranger reacts badly to his concern and cusses him out for being a busybody. He's not the type to really meddle in others' business anyway. 

The fourth time, he decides he'll start small. He actually has a reason to be at the bus stop after all, and since the stranger is there once again, he tries to walk up to him as inconspicuously as he can before taking a seat as far away from him as possible. The guy doesn't even stir.

After about three minutes, the silence is killing Hanbin. The stranger hasn't looked over at him once, despite Hanbin shooting glances at him every so often as if he'd suddenly just fly away. Hanbin moves a little closer to him and clears his throat. No response. 

He does it again. "Lovely weather we're having!" he squeaks. The stranger finally looks at him, and Hanbin nearly falls off the seat in surprise. Just then, it starts to rain heavy hail that thuds against the ground audibly.

The stranger raises an eyebrow. "Not really," he says with a pout that makes Hanbin's heart squeeze.

He's about to do more small talk when his bus comes. He has actual errands he needs to run, but he's torn between getting on the bus or staying with the stranger. He notices the guy is shivering and feels bad. 

"You seem cold, take this," Hanbin offers, taking off his jacket. The guy starts to protest, but the bus is about to leave, so Hanbin waves him off and gets on before the doors close. He goes to the back and sits there, facing the back to observe the stranger again. He laughs quietly to himself as he watches him still holding the jacket at arm's length as if it'd suddenly attack him, before he sees him sighing to himself and wrapping it around his shoulders. It's not what he expected him to do, but at least he didn't outright throw it away.

On the day he finally meets the man again, Hanbin is walking home from class when the heavy downpour starts. Cursing to himself, he frantically rummages through his messenger bag for some sort of protection from the storm. Once he finds his umbrella, he opens it up, shielding himself from the onslaught of raindrops. He's about to start sprinting when he hears a loud sniff to his right, stopping him in his tracks. 

When he turns, he recognizes the short guy drenched from head to toe at the bus stop, with newly dyed bright pink hair contrasting his all black outfit. But this time, his clothes are completely tattered, looking like they're a step from disintegrating into fine dust just from standing and staring straight ahead. He doesn't seem to notice how much he's shivering. Hanbin worries his lip when he notices the pathetic sight, the stranger looking like a wet kitten. He doesn’t even think before he runs over and shields the guy with his umbrella.

The stranger makes a cute noise and looks up into Hanbin's eyes, face soaked with tears as he tries for a smile. Hanbin's breath catches in his throat as he takes in his beauty, the moles on his face, his sharp eyes that seem so lifeless. He's quiet as he thanks him, and the pair sit in silence for a while. 

The silence feels never-ending, so Hanbin finally decides to say something. "What are you doing out here all alone in the rain? Do you not have somewhere to go?" he asks gently.

The younger huffs in response. "Not anymore," he says flatly.

Hanbin feels a sharp pang in his chest at how defeated he sounds. He knows he shouldn't pry, but he feels a magnetic pull to the other man. He wants to know more about this stranger and his story, how he got to this point. "I'm Hanbin," he offers.

The stranger looks at him like he's crazy. Maybe he is. There's silence as the rain continues to pour heavily before he hears the other sigh as he drops his shoulders. "Matthew," he replies quietly. 

Hanbin doesn't even think before he says, "If you don't have anywhere to call home anymore, do you want to come home with me?"

Matthew laughs humorlessly, "No offence, man, but why are you being so nice to me? You don't even know me. I could be a serial killer or something."

"Are you?"

"Am I what?"

"...A serial killer."

"Well, no—"

"Then it's fine."

Matthew freezes and stares for a long time before he shakes his head. “There’s just no way you’re serious about this. I know you’re just offering to be nice. Why else would you offer your home to a complete stranger that you don’t know if you don’t expect anything in return? It doesn’t make sense. There’s nothing I can give you, you know. I know you don’t really care about me, you don’t have to pretend.  I mean, why would you? Why would anyone care about me when I’m such a mess already? No one could ever truly love me for me. You have no sense of propriety,” he mutters.

"Hey, hey, hey— slow down. You're spiraling. Breathe for me." He takes a deep breath and looks at Matthew expectantly, smiling encouragingly when he follows suit. "I may not know much about you, but I can tell you that I do care about you. Actually, I've seen you at the bus stop multiple times, and you didn't seem like you wanted to be disturbed, but today I just felt like something bad had happened. I'm not really sure who put all those bad thoughts in your head before and made you believe those things, but you deserve to live in a safe environment and feel happy. So sure, you may be right about it being a little strange for me to offer my house to a stranger, but I couldn't leave you alone for a moment longer. I knew I'd be beating myself up about it forever if I just let you go."

Matthew breaks into a small smile, actually making eye contact with Hanbin for once. "Wow… I, I don’t know what to say…"

"So yes, I am serious," Hanbin says with a determined look in his eyes. "If you need a place to stay for a little while until you get yourself back on your feet, I really don't mind you staying with me. It's really no trouble." He looks away shyly as he clears his throat. "Besides, I live alone, and my apartment feels too big for me at times. I would appreciate having some company," he says quietly.

Matthew sighs before he regards Hanbin with a piercing look, eyebrows scrunched up and lips set in a tight line. Hanbin tries to return the stare, but he finds that Matthew's empty eyes do nothing but stare as if trying to see into his soul. Hanbin would let him inside with no hesitation. "I just don't understand. Why are you being so nice to me?" His tone is full of scorn and skepticism. Hanbin doesn't blame him. From Matthew's perspective, it is kinda weird that a whole ass stranger is offering him a place to stay without questioning anything. 

"Just because." The words hang awkwardly in the air. 'It's you,' goes unsaid.

Matthew's eyebrows nearly touch his forehead at this. He blinks a few times before he collects himself (barely). He's too surprised to say anything other than, "Fine, if you insist. Lead the way."

Thankfully, Hanbin doesn't live too far from that bus stop. He thinks that maybe it was fate that he found Matthew. It's weird how protective he feels of this stranger, but he knows that if he were to just leave Matthew to fend for himself again, he'd be worrying about him nonstop. He feels a little self-conscious and hunches his shoulders as he shakily unlocks the door, Matthew standing right behind him. He turns the light on instantly and awkwardly walks further into the apartment.

"Well, this is me." Hanbin turns to Matthew to gauge his reaction. 

The other hums, still shivering and dripping rainwater all over his wooden floors. Hanbin tries to stop his eye from twitching.

"Ah, you should shower before you catch a cold. I'll find you something to wear and get you something to eat. The bathroom is the first door at the end of the corridor, you can't miss it," Hanbin says with a shy smile.

"Thanks." Matthew smiles awkwardly as he shuffles down the corridor, leaving pools of water in his wake.

Hanbin waits for the bathroom door to slam shut before he gets a bucket and a mop and starts to dry the floor like crazy. After he's done, he quickly walks into his room and finds Matthew some comfy pyjamas to wear, which he leaves on a chair outside. Then, he dashes quickly to the kitchen, rifling through the cupboard to find one of the only ramen packets he has left before grabbing a pot and starting to boil the water. 

Once it starts to bubble, he pours the ramen and seasoning packets in. He gets to work cutting up vegetables while it boils, adding them as he hums a random NCT song. He soon hears the bathroom door open, and he looks up, nearly fainting when he takes in the other once again. He looks even prettier now, in a spare pair of Hanbin's pyjamas that are clearly a bit too big for him since they hang loosely off his frame. His heart beats double time in his chest before he realizes he's staring and looks away just as quickly, turning his eyes back to his cooking, already feeling his ears heating up. But he's sure he can just blame it on the steam from the pot blowing at his face. 

He doesn't dare to look up again, even as he strains his ears to hear Matthew coming closer and closer. "Smells good," Matthew comments as he sits in front of him, thankfully not commenting on his staring.

"I'm glad," Hanbin says, still not looking at him.

It's not much longer before he's finished preparing the meal, and he turns away from the counter to grab a bowl and pour the ramen inside. He tries to plate it prettily before serving it to Matthew, who thanks him.

The two sit in silence for a while. Hanbin tries to think of how he can make small talk, but nothing comes to mind. He wants to find a way to ask what happened to him, but he can't think of a way to ask in a tactful manner.

Matthew, as if sensing his inner turmoil, sighs, "You can ask. I know you want to."

"...Then. What happened?"

Matthew blows on his ramen as he says, "It's a long story."

"It's fine, we have all the time in the world."

The moment Matthew finishes shakily explaining all he's been through with Junhwan and his mistreatment, Hanbin's sure he's shaking too from how much rage he feels on Matthew's behalf. He wishes he could find this Junhwan guy and tear him apart. 

He can't get to Junhwan right now, so the best he can do is offer Matthew a hug. He really looks like he needs one with the way he's still shaking, eyes downcast as though the light has left his eyes. It's as if Matthew was transported back to those days, judging by his demeanor. He still looks scared and vulnerable, posture closed off and making Hanbin's poor heart hurt even more, reminding him of all the times he saw him sitting alone at the bus stop on rainy days and the state he found him in today when he felt like he couldn't just leave him anymore. He looks even smaller in Hanbin's clothes that drown his frame, practically curled in on himself.

The moment Matthew looks at him with a lost expression, eyes brimming with even more tears threatening to spill down his cheeks, Hanbin feels like his heart shatters in two. He needs to remedy the situation, do something to make him feel better. The words seemingly escape from Hanbin as if they have a mind of their own. "Can I hug you?"

Matthew stiffens, unfamiliar with being asked something like that. It's been a long time since he's had such close physical affection. He nods and Hanbin envelops him into a warm hug. He freezes at first but soon melts into it. He doesn't even notice he's crying until he realizes he's soaking through Hanbin's shirt. "Sorry," he sniffs, pulling away. "I didn't mean to ruin your shirt."

Hanbin smiles gently, "It's fine. I don't mind." Hanbin reaches for Matthew's hand, holding it securely as he looks into his eyes. Or at least he tries to, as the other's eyes continually dart around, refusing to maintain eye contact, too embarrassed at breaking down like that. 

"Look at me," Hanbin says in a near whisper. When Matthew finally does, albeit uncertainly, Hanbin squeezes his hand reassuringly. "It wasn't your fault. You clearly tried so hard to make it work, and he took you for granted. It's seriously his loss. I know I haven't known you for that long, but I already get the impression that you're a great guy. Anyone would be lucky to date you. He doesn't know what he's missing out on."

Matthew smiles genuinely for the first time. "Thank you, Hanbin. That really means a lot to me. I'm not sure I believe it, but it's nice to hear regardless," he punctuates with a yawn that he tries to mask by covering his mouth, looking away bashfully. 

"Ah, you must be tired! I'm sorry, I didn't mean to keep you up. I have a spare room that I've already set up for you. It's next to the bathroom! Sleep well." Hanbin says with a small smile.

Matthew gets up and stretches. Hanbin looks away with a blush. "Goodnight, hyung." Matthew says shyly before running off. It takes a moment for Hanbin to realize what Matthew said and he nearly combusts. He has to stop himself from rolling over from his seating position and kicking his feet.

Matthew feels himself being shaken. Still deep in sleep, he turns away, furrowing his brows as he tries to pull himself free. "—tthew. Matthew!" he hears, but the voice sounds distant, like it's underwater. He groans, trying to get away. The shaking gets more frantic and finally he jolts awake, punching and kicking instinctively, and it seems he hit the person because they yelp. Matthew's eyes fly open at the noise. He looks over to see Hanbin on the floor, clutching his arm.

"Hanbin? What are you doing on the floor?" Matthew croaks.

Hanbin winces as he tries to get up with great difficulty, "I think you broke my arm." He rubs it again before realizing Matthew asked him a question. "You were screaming and crying in your sleep, so I came to check up on you because I was worried."

"I was?"

"Yeah, are you okay?"

"I should be asking you that. Is your arm okay? Let me see." He reaches for Hanbin's arm, only for Hanbin to pull it away.

Hanbin shakes his head before changing the subject. "I'm fine. Do you remember what happened? Were you having a nightmare? Do you want to talk about it?"

Matthew shudders when the nightmare plays fresh in his mind, remembering just how close he was to harming him. He shakes his head vehemently. "I would rather not." Hanbin nods in understanding. "But can I ask you for a favor?"

"Anything," Hanbin replies with no hesitation.

"...Could I maybe sleep with you?" Matthew asks in a small voice. He sees the shock take over Hanbin's face. It takes a moment for it to sink in for Matthew at how that line comes across. 

He scrambles to explain, waving his hands frantically, "Don't misunderstand! It's just— I can't sleep without hugging something and—"

"Of course! I have more than enough room for you."

Hanbin holds out his hand and Matthew hesitantly takes it. They head to Hanbin's room together, walking down the well-lit hallway which is on the other side of the apartment. Hanbin pulls the covers back and climbs into bed first. Matthew stands hesitantly in the doorway, as if he doesn't think he's allowed to be in Hanbin's space despite being invited in explicitly. He takes in Hanbin's room, so full of life, CDs stuck all over the walls, medals detailing different sports achievements and covered in NCT posters and other cute trinkets and keyrings hanging from tiny aesthetic-looking shelves. He also takes note of his NCT calendar, with a bunch of events crammed in each day of the current month. There's also a timetable written on a whiteboard and a big bookshelf practically overflowing with K-Pop albums and a guitar case resting against it and then a keyboard in the corner of his room, which the older seems to have turned into a storage unit, since a bunch of textbooks are stacked on top of it.

Hanbin gives him a look as if to say,'aren’t you coming in?' so Matthew reluctantly makes his way over. On the nightstand, he sees a picture of Hanbin next to a girl he assumes must be his little sister, standing next to him and a man and woman that could only be his parents, by association, standing on either side. Their happiness was well captured by the camera, judging from their smiles, causing Matthew to feel a pang of envy. He misses his older sister and his parents dearly. Unaware of his racing mind, Hanbin moves aside for him, moving a bunch of his plushies that share the bed with him off the bed and pats the side next to him. Matthew meekly climbs into bed beside him, leaving as much space as possible, to the point of him nearly falling out of bed. He's as stiff as a board as he lies on his back and stares up at the ceiling. 

At the lack of warmth behind him, Hanbin turns on his side to observe Matthew, who continues to stare at the ceiling resolutely. Hanbin laughs to himself at how cute the younger is being without even trying. He seriously wants to squeeze him until he pops.

Hanbin guides Matthew's arms to curl around his own waist. "It's okay to hug me if it'll help you sleep. Good night, Matthew," Hanbin says, turning away again. Matthew squeezes him in response.

It's not long before sleep overtakes them both.

Over the next few weeks, they spend more and more time together. When Hanbin isn't busy with work or classes, they're practically joined at the hip. Although Matthew still feels a bit distant to Hanbin, the older knows it's not on purpose. It's why he continues to extend and exercise understanding and patience to the younger, always seeking him out first.

Another thing that persists is the nightmares. Matthew is still plagued by them every night, but seems scared to ask Hanbin if they can share the same bed again and cuddle. This encourages Hanbin to always find an excuse for them to do so, like saying he wants to show him a new movie that came out, or a show that he's sure is 'just Matthew's style.'

Matthew has unfortunately begun to start looking forward to it despite knowing it's all temporary, so he'll let himself indulge in it while it lasts. He still can't quite believe Hanbin is nice to him 'just because'. He's sure there must be some kind of catch, despite Hanbin vehemently denying otherwise.

Matthew's not sure when he fell asleep on the couch, but he's being shaken awake again. Hanbin's concerned face is looming over his own. “You're shaking… Did you have another nightmare?”

The younger finds that he wants to respond, but words fail to escape from him because it hurts to even try to talk. All he manages is a nod, eyes watery with tears.

Hanbin worries his lip between his teeth. "Do you want a hug?"

Matthew nods, and instantly the older pulls him into a tight hug, holding him like he's the most precious thing in the world. It still feels so foreign for him to be held like this by someone who isn't his family, so he's conflicted by how safe he feels from the sensation of Hanbin's chest rising and falling and the gentle circles the older rubs on his back. Surprised at how eager the older was to hug him, Matthew feels his mind go completely blank, and it takes him a second to hesitantly bring his arms up to wrap around Hanbin in return, burying his head into the other man's chest and breathing in the comforting scent of the older's cologne. Matthew's sure his heart is beating so loudly you could hear it from a mile away.

A moment passes before Hanbin eventually pulls away to say, "There's this new drama that just came out. Do you wanna watch it together?" he asks, hoping to distract him from the bad dream.  Again, Matthew nods. Hanbin goes to fetch a Pompompurin blanket to wrap around the two of them while they cuddle, watching the show in silence. 

After they've binged the first season and the credits roll, Hanbin is about to excitedly start rambling about his thoughts to Matthew until he realizes the other is fast asleep, lips pursed cutely in a pout and a crease in his brows which Hanbin instinctively smooths with his finger. He can't help but watch him for a bit, rarely ever getting to just witness a peaceful-looking Matthew deep in sleep. 

Matthew is determined to pay Hanbin back for his kindness, despite the other being strongly against it at first.

"You don't need to prove yourself to me, Seokmae-yah," he says, fondness evident even in Hanbin's exasperation, making Matthew's heart thump in his chest. That's new. 

Hanbin covers his mouth when he realizes what he's said. "Ah, is it okay to call you nicknames…? I should've asked before, I'm sorry."

Matthew coughs and looks away shyly, "You can call me whatever you want, I’m fine with it."

Hanbin flushes, "Anyway, I mean it. You really don't owe me anything, and besides, I feel like I'm benefiting more just by having you by my side." Matthew's eyes widen at this, causing Hanbin to look away and rub the back of his neck awkwardly. "Was that too cheesy? My bad."

Matthew isn't sure he's ready to confront the butterflies in his stomach just yet.

Honestly speaking, Matthew is starting to feel like a burden just by staying home, feeling bad when Hanbin comes back looking haggard after long shifts at work, coming back exhausted from staying out all night at the library to make sure he gets in all the study time needed to ace his exams, or even seeing glimpses of bruises on his knees from dancing too hard. And despite how much he's going through, he's still so attentive to the younger. The Canadian tries to bring it up in a roundabout way as they're sat up in bed, Hanbin scrolling on his phone, but still reassuringly holding Matthew's hand.

"I've been thinking…" he starts. Hanbin hums to show he's listening. "I'm not sure what I want to do. Like with my life and everything."

Hanbin puts his phone down and turns to him, giving him his full attention. Matthew has to avert his eyes at the intensity of his gaze. "Hm… You have things you're passionate about, right? I'm sure you had a plan before."

Matthew doesn't remember a time when he's thought about himself. He's always so busy caring about everyone else that he hasn't ever had the chance to be selfish. He had so many dreams before Junhwan cruelly stole them away from him. He wanted to get a degree and be a therapist so he could help others. He wanted to be a dancer, a singer, an actor. So many different things that started to feel impossible until now. He says as much to Hanbin who listens attentively.

"Since one of your dreams was to be a therapist and you wanted to help others, maybe you could look into going to university for psychology? You could always pursue your other passions on the side if you wanted. I'd support you."

After their conversation, Matthew decides to apply for university. While he's getting ready to apply for one that speaks to him on the older's laptop, Hanbin catches a glimpse of his screen.

"Oh? That’s my university!" Hanbin exclaims, rushing to sit next to him, "I hope you get in! It would be so fun if we were able to go together! And you're into dance, right? They'd love you, seriously!" he enthuses. His excitement is so contagious that Matthew finds himself beaming back and hoping that they really do end up going to the same place.

On the day that Matthew is supposed to find out whether his application was successful or not, Hanbin takes time off work since he can tell the other is worrying himself sick over it. Matthew was so determined to get into this university that he hadn't looked into applying elsewhere as a plan B. It felt like everything was riding on this; he didn't want to feel like a failure any longer. This felt like his last chance to prove his worth, that he was capable of getting into such a prestigious university on his own merit. He knows it would've been easier had he asked for Hanbin's help, but he wanted to feel that sense of accomplishment from doing everything by himself. 

The two sit cross-legged on the floor, their focus on Hanbin's laptop that was perched on top of the coffee table in front of them. Matthew's right hand rests nervously on the trackpad as his left hand holds Hanbin's tightly. They navigate through the university’s website together, and Matthew clicks on his profile.

"You got this, Seokmae-yah. You have nothing to worry about." Hanbin reassures. 

Matthew squeezes an eye shut, peeking with the other as he finally presses the button.

It takes a minute to load before virtual confetti fills the screen, neon letters flashing a 'Congratulations, you have been accepted!'  At the good news, the pair stands up and hug each other so tightly as if never wanting to let the other go, before they realize their position and pull away hastily. 

Hanbin is the first to speak, clearing his throat awkwardly. "You got in! Congrats, I always knew you would."

Matthew coughs, "Yeah, thank you."

It doesn't take long for Matthew to get into the swing of university. People actually like him for once, though it feels a little overwhelming when it feels like everyone is rushing to be friends with him. He makes fast friends in his psychology class and even joins the dance team. He's actually excited to have a routine because it gives his life meaning and purpose. It feels like he's finally starting to get his life back now. 

However, he still feels like he needs to repay Hanbin for his kindness somehow. He's had all these big positive changes to his life that once seemed impossible, and he's finally starting to believe that maybe he deserves these good things. But he still feels guilty; he doesn't want to seem like a freeloader, so he decides to start searching for a job.

When the older first finds out, he once again protests against it, but seeing how determined Matthew is about it, he doesn't want to discourage him any further, so he tells him he's rooting for him.

The day Matthew finds a job, Hanbin treats Matthew by taking him to a fancy restaurant nearly two hours away. They're both dressed up nicely and waiting to be seated when Hanbin tells him he needs to use the bathroom and asks the younger to hold the line. Matthew feels like things are going too well when he can't shake off the nauseating dread in the pit of his stomach. He ignores it, thinking maybe it's just jitters about what they're doing.

"Matthew?"

Matthew hears only that. Yet, it's enough to cause him to suddenly feel like throwing up. He pretends not to hear until he gets forcibly turned around to see none other than Junhwan. He almost doesn't notice a girl standing next to him who looks uncannily similar to him, clinging onto Junhwan's arm.

"Nice to see you again," Matthew responds monotonously, already starting to turn away.

"I'm surprised you could afford a place like this," Junhwan starts making Matthew's eye twitch. "You got a sugar daddy or something? You do, right? That's the only way you'd be able to dine here," he spits.

The girl beside him titters and laughs obnoxiously loud, causing people to look at them. Their stares burn into Matthew, making his skin crawl. He feels itchy and wishes he could just jump out of his own skin. He continues to ignore him, which frustrates Junhwan all the more.

"Are you fucking stupid or something? I'm talking to you." Matthew feels a shove. 

"What the fuck is wrong with you?" he hears Hanbin’s voice. Matthew shouldn't feel as relieved as he does to hear Hanbin's voice, but he can't help but immediately feel safe and the desire to cry from gratitude. "Leave Matthew alone, you freak."

Matthew hears Junhwan scoff. He's still not brave enough to face him head-on, and despite the brave facade he's trying to put on, he's sure he's probably shaking like jelly.

"This is who you're with now? My replacement? What a downgrade, I knew you'd never be able to find anyone better than me. Why did you even bother? You know he’s just going to leave you, too. Even now, you're still such a loser, Matthew-yah."

Matthew suddenly hears a sickening crunch and the sound of something hitting the floor, followed by a gasp. He can already imagine what took place. He's still spiralling when Hanbin steps in front of him. And it takes only one look at Hanbin for the crashing, stormy waves in Matthew's mind to calm down.

"Sorry I took so long," is the first thing that comes out of Hanbin's mouth. He extends his hand, which feels like a lifeline, "Shall we go?" 

Matthew wordlessly nods in response. And with that, they leave the establishment behind and find an even better one. The moment they get seated at the next place, Hanbin immediately drops the tough act and is almost begging for Matthew’s forgiveness. 

"I'm so sorry for the way I acted back there. I was out of line, and I promise I'm not usually so rash, but I hated the way he talked down to you and no one intervened. I couldn't just stand there and let him break you down like that. Please don't hate me!" Hanbin pleads.

Matthew grins as they're brought the menu by the end of Hanbin's spiel. Once they order and the server walks off with their menus, he says, "It's fine. He had it coming to him."

Hanbin still looks unsure. "That was your ex, right?"

Matthew sighs. "Yeah, still as nice as ever, as you can see," he replies sarcastically. 

"Don't worry, his karma is coming." Hanbin says with a finality so fierce, Matthew wants to believe him.

When they lay in bed that night, with Hanbin already fast asleep, Matthew's head is still torturing him by replaying what happened with Junhwan at the restaurant. He realizes he doesn't know the last time he truly felt safe like that, the way he did with Hanbin; and had someone stick up for him that wasn’t his older sister or even his mom. He's beginning to wish Junhwan or any of his other exes made him feel that way, too.

He starts to wonder how different things would've been if he had met Hanbin first. Maybe he wouldn't be the way he was now, so broken and unwilling to accept help from anyone, wary of their intentions. 

Trying to get out of his head, he seeks Hanbin's warmth by nuzzling into his neck. Hanbin murmurs something unintelligible and unconsciously squeezes Matthew a little tighter in his sleep, which calms the younger enough that he relaxes and feels his mind finally shutting off.

Little by little, Matthew slowly curates his own space. He develops an interest in the guitar after watching a busker give a moving performance one day, so his first purchase is a full-sized acoustic guitar of his own so that he can also learn, and he displays it by his door. His interest in video games has never really curbed despite Junhwan constantly shitting on him back then, Now, he has his own space and lives with someone he knows won't judge him for his interests, which explains why he bought a bunch of Pokémon posters to display on his walls.

Over time, he accumulates more stuff. The guest room becomes less of a 'guest room' and more like Matthew's own. It becomes less plain with his guitar by the door, a gaming monitor and a cool Pokémon themed keyboard sitting on his desk, sleeved Pokémon cards displayed proudly in every nook and cranny, and a big comfy bed with a massive fox plushie Hanbin had gotten him as well as other small Pokémon ones decorating the bed. His bookshelf is full of books, full sets of manga he likes, some K-Pop albums, cool game figurines, and the like. He's a bit messier than Hanbin if the clothes strewn everywhere and small trash can by the table leg of his gaming monitor are any indicator, but it definitely feels like home. He also has some posters displayed on his wall, which are mostly related to video games and Pokémon, although he did does have some of his favorite singers' signed albums gifted to him by Hanbin displayed on the top of his bookshelf, one being Mark of NCT's latest album. The older convinced him to get into the group, saying they also had a Canadian and that he'd definitely like him. He ends up liking them a lot more than expected, instantly being drawn to Mark just like Hanbin predicted. 

As he settles into university life, it still comes with its challenges and uncomfortable moments, like a professor who seemingly has it out for him. He's sure he wrote an amazing paper and thought the score he'd get would reflect that, but he gets marked down instead, and berated harshly for pretty much everything he wrote, tanking his confidence a little. At first he thought maybe he was just imagining it, but with every assignment, his score seems to get worse.

Exhausted and fed up, he decides to talk to the professor during office hours. He asks why he got points taken off and if they can go over the exam together. They spend an hour together and Matthew leaves feeling even worse off than before, not to mention extremely dumb from his condescending attitude. All he did was nitpick every word he'd written, seemingly docking points off just because he could. He still asked the professor for his help on the next assignment, just to be courteous and maybe prevent further penalization, but he'd honestly rather explode the professor with his mind.

When he gets home, Hanbin is just sat on the couch, watching TV. He turns when he hears the sound of Matthew’s backpack hit the floor.

He takes in the younger's defeated stance and says, "Oh Seokmae, come here. Tell me what's wrong." He holds his arms out and Matthew rushes to bury himself in his chest.

Matthew blubbers through what happened as Hanbin holds him and strokes his back, being attentive and sympathizing when needed. After the younger has gotten out all his frustration and unfortunately soaked through another of Hanbin’s shirts with his tears, he starts to calm down. Unlike all the other times when he stubbornly wants to do everything by himself, the Canadian doesn't refuse Hanbin's help when the older offers to explain and help him understand the assignment. An hour later, Matthew finally grasps the concept thanks to Hanbin's patient guidance.

Matthew really feels like he's starting to find himself. He wanted to bulk up and improve his endurance at the gym to help him with dance. His newfound friends in his program motivate him and encourage him when he tells them about finally joining the dance team since it was a dilemma of his. He ends up flourishing and becoming quite known, which makes him feel good. When he loses himself in the music for the first time, he finds himself asking why he ever gave it up. Dance has always been one of his passions. He lost a lot of them, but due to the good people around him and Hanbin attending every performance, he's starting to be less meek and more outspoken. He feels like he's starting to come into himself and starts to see glimpses of the Matthew he was before Junhwan. It also helps that no one on the dance team wants to sabotage him or see him fail. The teacher doesn't shy away from compliments, and his team genuinely and passionately root for him. When he gets a solo after only a few months of being on the team, no one makes him feel like he doesn't deserve it.

And much to his surprise, it seemed like the professor who was determined to make his academic life hell ends up getting fired. Instead, he gets a way nicer professor who brings his passion back for psychology tenfold and sees greatness in him.

Matthew's also starting to realize just how much he thinks and talks about Hanbin to the point his new friends tease him about it, asking if the older is his boyfriend or just straight up saying they thought the two were dating. Matthew finds he likes the idea and daydreams about it a lot. His friends think Matthew's joking whenever he says he doesn't think Hanbin likes him like that, but when they realize he isn't, they tell him that anyone can tell Hanbin is in love with him. He thinks they're just being delusional for the sake of it, but there also does seem to have been a bit of a shift in their relationship.

Maybe he's just imagining it, but frequenting restaurants more, going to amusement parks together, holding hands more than usual, and even going out to the movie theater instead of just watching something together on the couch… has felt more romantic lately. He's scared to ask for clarity or what they are, when he still has the fear that he'll ruin things due to his insecurities, so he just lets things continue as they are.

When Matthew has another recital, he's relieved to see Hanbin in the crowd. Afterwards, the older surprises him with a massive bouquet of flowers. He's sure he's as red as the roses Hanbin got him, and his friends tease him all the more. To celebrate his successful recital, Hanbin says he wants to take him somewhere special, which makes Matthew extremely nervous, but all his friends tell him he should go, and he trusts the older with everything in him, so he agrees.

They end up at a park that Matthew hadn't known existed, taking the scenic route. A bunch of flowers he's never seen before grow up the path and he finds himself in awe. They keep walking until they get to a weeping willow tree that hangs like a curtain over some kind of trail. Hanbin leads him inside, and they sit together. There are fireflies illuminating the interior and even more beautiful flowers growing there. It's so well-lit that Matthew can't help but be surprised. He didn't even know such a place like this existed. 

"Do you know what day it is today?" Hanbin asks, looking at him intently. Matthew shakes his head wordlessly in response. "It's the first anniversary of you moving in with me."

Matthew's eyes widen in shock, "You remember stuff like that?"

"Of course I do, because it's you." Hanbin looks at him with such an intense gaze, words said so sincerely that it makes Matthew nervous. 

He looks away first. "I can't believe it's been a year already," he deflects.

"Me neither. It flew by so fast. I prepared a lot to say, but I'm already losing my confidence, so I'll start simple. I think you're the other half of my soul." Matthew's eyes widen even more at that. 

So much for starting simple! He doesn't understand how Hanbin can say things like that without having an existential crisis. 

"Maybe it's crazy to say, but I feel like we were destined to meet. There was something about you that kept drawing me to you— maybe I'm the one who felt it back then."

Matthew's eyes start to water from the earnest confession. Was this what it felt like to have someone who truly cared about you?

"Anyway, I'm thankful that you've trusted me enough to be so vulnerable with me after everything. I'm so proud to see the kind of person you've become now. And since you opened up to me so much, I wanted to bring you to a place that's equally meaningful to me. I don't come here often, except for when I want to escape from everything and be in my own world."

Matthew feels his heartbeat speed up, "I'm so touched. This place is really beautiful."

Hanbin doesn't say anything, letting the moment linger. He can feel his heart roaring in his ears and the world fades away as he stares at Matthew. The way the light from the fireflies illuminates his face makes him look ethereal. He admires Matthew's beauty for a while longer before looking away and clearing his throat, trying to psych himself up mentally. He finally gains the courage to look at him again, Matthew already looking at him.

"What I'm trying to say is, you really mean a lot to me. I don't think I can even begin to express it with words, but since you've come into my life, you've really changed it for the better. To be honest, I was really lonely even though it may not seem like it. You brought so much light and joy into my life and—" Hanbin squirms and fidgets, looking like a scared hamster. "I don't know, I'm bad at this! What I'm trying to say is… Would you go out with me? Like. As boyfriends. I really should've rehearsed this more, let me try again. Do you want to be my boyfriend? Please?" He stares at him with eager, sparkling eyes.

"Let me think about it," he teases, laughing when he sees Hanbin's expression drop instantly, "You're so silly! Of course I'll be your boyfriend." He takes Hanbin's hands in his, smiling even harder when he sees the light return to his eyes.

Hanbin gasps dramatically, "You're so mean! I've liked you for so long, like since the day I first saw you."

"Wait, what? You've liked me for over a year? That's… woah. I can't believe it," Matthew says in awe. "To be honest, I can't pinpoint at what point I started liking you, but I like you a lot too. I think it would be impossible for me not to fall for you. You've been a constant in my life and always been so sweet and patient with me. When I needed someone, you were always there, always ready to support me or be whatever I needed. Maybe it's a little sappy to say, but I feel like I can do anything as long as I have you. Recovery used to feel like an impossible feat for me, but because of your unwavering support and companionship, you made it so much easier for me. I don't know if I could've kept going like this if it wasn't for you."

When he gets an invite from one of his old high school friends to attend a party for their graduation, he's more than happy to go. He's pretty excited, considering he hasn't really seen anyone from there in a long time, with most of them ending up moving abroad or doing military service as soon as they finished high school, causing them to lose contact. Hanbin watches him get ready, particularly endeared as he knows how much this means to him and of course is more than happy to go with him.

By the time they arrive at the house, the party is already in full swing— music blaring from the speakers loudly and people milling around in droves, clearly having a good time. The pair make their way to the kitchen to get a drink when Hanbin suddenly excuses himself to use the bathroom. Matthew turns to get them two glasses of punch and by the time he's done, Hanbin is already back. He takes the drink from him gratefully and they're just talking when Matthew feels a looming presence.

Hanbin already looks worried for him and whispers in his ear, "Do you want to leave?"

Matthew rolls his shoulders back with a resolute expression, "Nah, I got this. Lemme handle this, just wait for me." Hanbin nods and leaves the kitchen.

Junhwan laughs, "Wow, it's like you're stalking me! I'm surprised you didn't get your little lap dog to fight your battle for you again," he goads.

Matthew returns his energy. "Yeah? I'm surprised you didn't come with another mini-me." Junhwan is about to cut in, but Matthew continues, "You act like you're so much better than me, but clearly you can't keep a girlfriend to save your life. I mean, how much more of a freak can you get? Trying to find someone else that looks like me to feed your fragile ego, fuck off. Next time you see me, walk the other way, or so help me."

Junhwan gives a frustrated huff. “Fuck you,” he says, before storming off.

When Hanbin comes back to Matthew being the only one in the kitchen, he looks around worriedly, "What happened? Did he hurt you? Should I call the police?"

Matthew laughs at him going into overprotection mode, "It's fine, hyung. He just wanted to rile me up, but I put him in his place. Let's just say he won't be bothering me ever again."

Hanbin looks impressed, "Woah, you're so cool, Matthew. I'm proud of you. You've shown so much growth, look at you go!"

"And it's all because of you."

For the rest of the night, they're able to enjoy themselves, Matthew finally being able to let loose and even talk to the high school friend who invited him.

"I know how much you like getting tattoos, so how about getting matching ones?" Hanbin proposes to him one day. 

Matthew's eyes light up, "For real? You'd want that with me?"

"Of course! Why wouldn't I?"

"What should we get?"

"You should pick! I trust you."

Hanbin wants to be surprised, so when they get to the tattoo parlour after booking an appointment, he stays in the waiting room chatting with the receptionist while Matthew goes with the tattoo artist into another room.

Matthew draws two people with an umbrella, with one holding it over the other.