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The years, unkind to flesh and bone, slowed its deliberate pace for stone and mortar. The mansion stood, as it had done in the vividness of dreams and memories, framed by the rain skipping off of its surface. As if the individual drops too sensed its malice.
Kai stood, neatly tucked under the black umbrella uniformed with his suit, eyes half-lidded as he observed his old home with a blank dissociation his mind had exercised into habit. One decrepit burden gone had left this vessel as a tethered reminder that the work needed to stay free was never ending. It gave him something to do at least.
Thorned vines had snaked their way through iron wrought gates reinforcing the fortification. Against whom was a loaded question: no one, not even a desperate thief or vagrant, had ever tried to enter its domain in all the years it had remained vacant. No one apart from now. Apart from him. He felt as inevitably empty as the dust covered guts of the building.
Slipping a small pocket knife in between some of the more persistent vines, the gate protested against all movement with a rusted squeal. It was ignored – something it would get used to over time – as Kai crunched through weeds and accumulated leaves towards the solid oak doors that loomed in the entrance. It kept an uninviting stare fixated on its old occupant now more weathered by the time needed to become unpalatable to its previously gaping maw. Both forms shrunk back in their anticipation.
Cold drops of a pathetic fallacy littered his hand as he took the old set of keys the lawyer had left with him and unlocked the door. It caught for a second, steadfast in its refusal until a slight routine deviation caused the bolts to slip and open with a harsh click. The doors creaked open slowly, agonising over the threshold in an exposed shame. Kai grimaced at their pathetic little display.
The dark of its mouth gaped back at him. Walls and floor soaked in liquid black stuck from years of intentional neglect. It should have remained undisturbed to finish its long sentenced rotting but the demanded papers still sat somewhere in the belly of the house, his own knotting at the potential location. A sharp tongue had promised that it would be the last time, the last thing needed before he could finally sever the ropes that still somehow bound him to an undoubtedly smiling corpse. One last tug of the string even after the plunge into oblivion. Kai steeled himself as he forced his body forward to be swallowed. One last time.
He easily picked out the uncanny dotted amongst the familiar. Thick air hung heavy in his lungs and the bitter residue of emptiness stung his nostrils. Everything had been left frozen; degradation the only break in the monotony. The furniture spoke single-mindedly of wealth muffled by the grime coating each surface. Walls wore art nakedly, some sagging and melting towards the floor. New groans from the floorboards protested his passing, catching Kai off-guard a little; the old silent passage he'd used in his youth had deteriorated into a discordant choir.
It was funny, he thought, as he noted the surprise that staggered his glide towards the stairs. The memories guided his muscles over the old creaks and onto the new ones that echoed against a nostalgic twinge in his chest. Humans are adaptable creatures, able to seek out the right patterns to keep surviving: which floorboards would give him away, how to move as if weightless, what to suppress to keep himself from existing a little longer. All came flooding back to join the precarious journey towards the grand staircase. It brimmed within him as he craned his neck up the rib like ascension, trying his best not to wince lest it start to overflow.
He'd heard people talk about how one loses parts of themselves to keep the burden of living light in an overbearing atmosphere. Over the years he'd found that to be untrue: those parts do not leave. Instead they contort, stuffing themselves away until the day the grip loosens on the seal and it all comes out: clawing and gnashing and trying to carve out space again. It wasn't pretty the first time and it wouldn't be pretty the hundredth or thousandth they tried warring for a bitter compromise. Kai gulped down, unwilling to spill any more of himself to feed this place. Knuckles bleached white from choking the bannister as he climbed.
The landing stretched long, baring doors dotted along the hallway begging for intrigue. Most did nothing for him, failing in their endeavour. He was solely focused on the east wing of the landing, second key of the set burning in his pocket promising a sight Kai did not want it to keep. He struggled to keep his surface relaxed against his churning insides. Gaze kept locked on the only room in the house he'd never seen, and all the dreadful potential locked inside, eager for a full frontal assault on Kai's memories by its association. He felt his legs liquefy.
A door slammed behind him.
The surface tension broke and Kai jumped, nervous system painfully kick-started. He snapped his head in the intrusion's direction: all kept quiet and uniformly shut. The house couldn't hide the memories though; it had relinquished its sounds to him long ago.
Second door to the left: it had a persistent squeak resistant to all attempts to bring it to heel.
Lips stretched into an uneasy smile. He didn't know which one had started this game, the house or he, but he decided to play along. If only to procrastinate in the callous fun a little longer.
The handle felt hot in his clammy hand causing a shiver in his spine. It opened, drawing out the sigh as Kai peered in to its confines.
It was furnished just enough to kill any echo from resounding in the space but that was all. It had a showroom quality: liminal, timeless, devoid of touch. The remainders of life were tucked away from first glances. Only one person left on the planet knew of their existence.
This was deliberate. If you want to paint your own picture you must keep the canvas blank. Any foreign colours could give it ideas of personhood outside of your own. Everything had been given and taken away according to the grand plan.
Drawn over to the set of drawers, Kai made his first disturbance to the dust as he carefully opened one of its compartments. It sent particles into the air but Kai ignored their swirling. The drawer was still full: dark garments tucked away inside, each far too small to be of any use to him now. Better left to the moths no doubt infesting every crack and tear in the mansion's façade, along with the other creatures not particularly picky about what dreariness they inhabited.
A knocking called out from behind, vibrating along the planks and under the soles of Kai's shoes. Kai turned, drawer firmly shut by the weight that staggered against it for balance. His eyes flitted along each board until they finally rested on one imperceptibly shadowed deeper. A sad smirk twitched across Kai's face, body still seized in tension but from a different source.
Kai crouched over the floorboard, running a finger gingerly down its length for a final confirmation. The board rocked a little in response. Digging fingernails into the head, Kai lifted the plank and placed it carefully out of the way. A small spider skittered from underneath it, startled out of its home.
Inside was a tiny slit in the floor hosting a gold mine of objects small enough to fit into the confined space: a thin picture book of ancient folktales, a piece of pale green sea-glass, a folded photograph of a family long past pretending – there was even an old chocolate bar still kept in crumpled wrapping.
The biggest prize was a small, soft toy squeezed in and slightly misshapen so that its form hardly resembled that of a rabbit any longer. As gently as he could, Kai pinched the head of the toy and lifted, cringing as he hoped it wouldn't unravel from the disturbance. It held strong.
Outside of its confines the little rabbit seemed to inflate a bit back into its proper shape. Ears lolled by the sides of its head – a slight tear on the seam of the right one – the fur on its belly and the top of its head rubbed away from little fingers' repeated stroking. He remembered the day he'd discovered it, sewn into the seam of the bag his father had sent with him to start the downfall of his life. It passed through the inspections where other items like candy and books of precious stories had not been so lucky. Originally, his younger self had scoffed at the small toy but the shame of childhood innocence had been out done by its necessity. He'd dutifully hidden it away, along with the other items he'd managed to scrounge up that gave him ideas of personhood.
Kai frowned at the stash of treasured junk hidden in the floor of his old room: he really had been a child when this all started. The thought was obvious but sent out a painful shock all the same. It's only in older hindsight that such a simple fact could hold such an unbearable weight.
It had been a risky endeavour, keeping the keepsakes. Each lift and replacement of the board had sent frightening shivers down his body as he waited for the day his betrayal was discovered. There was a pride in the adept way punishments could inflict pain without outwardly damaging property. Lingering marks and humiliations only Kai would notice. He never quite got used to living in skin that wasn't his own so each damaged tissue scarring from training or battle had come as a satisfying act of rebellion. That habitual mindset had been the hardest to kick. He was riddled with his own marks now, laid bare for the world to see. He never did get to see the indignity that would have caused.
Still clutching the toy, Kai lay down on his old bed, bristling at its familiar sag. The rain continued its assault against the window, whether in warning or anguish he didn't know. He kept his eyes to the ceiling, absently thumbing the rough fabric that used to constitute a comforting touch. A distant compelling came from inside himself to bury his face in the toy and inhale its scent and his brow furrowed in answer. Certainly now the rabbit would smell of the rot and mould it had sat in for years and not the warming scent he used to pretend resembled his father.
God, his father. It had only been a few weeks since he had burst back to life. When news of this whole mess broke he'd found his father standing on his doorstep, metaphorical hat in hand, offering out an apology strained by rehearsal. He'd promised that this time would be different, that he would be here by his side through everything the universe had decided to dump on Kai recently. It was a couple of agonisingly awkward days spent playing make believe before he'd disappeared on the next flight to fuck off back to whatever hole he had crawled out from. Kai had worked hard to prevent himself from laughing at the expected absurdity of it all. It had decidedly not helped when the team failed to quell Kinomiya's kindred rage.
The persistent squeak spoke again as the door slowly slipped open and weightless footsteps pattered down the hall outside the room. Kai huffed out a bemused sigh.
"Fine. I'm going."
He made sure to replace the rabbit back home amongst its fellow relics, covering the hole quietly for old time's sake. He glanced at his old showroom one last time before closing it all off for good. Its existence passed through the physical to join the rest of its intangible kin. Time to end the rest of this place.
It seemed longer now, the hallway using his procrastination to push back further into the voided dark. Fists clenched by his side bracing against the mindless will of the mansion. He strode onwards, forcing his legs to solidify, footsteps reverberating into chittering whispers he swore he could hear creeping around him. They pulled at his seal, threatening to tear it all away to reveal the tentatively caged terrors that laid siege at the edge of his mind. Teeth clamped together as Kai continuously batted away the memories, the jeers and the insidious path towards trespassing. As much as he tried his nerves remained unconvinced to the lack of environmental sapience.
The crescendo ceased as soon as he reached the door, slamming a hand into the wooden frame to stop his frantic momentum. The mansion quietened, shrinking back to form. Waiting. He kept his hand steady on the solid surface as he reached for the set of keys, trying to ignore the slight undulation he sensed from within the room. Unfamiliar to its lock the key jammed once, twice, a third time whilst Kai stifled every yell that would cause him to lose the stalemate. Then, the click gave way.
For a second, Kai stagnated at the threshold preparing for whatever awaited on the other side of the reveal. When everything remained still he reluctantly let his eyes adjust.
It was bigger than his room but not as much as he’d always imagined it. The wooden floors gave way to a dull carpet, vibrant colours drowned under the sedimented dirt and grime. Above it lay a large four poster bed complete with curtains in the throes of being devoured by the moths. It held the sheets in a vice-like grip, awaiting release from a master that would never come again. He had found a new place to rest, after all.
Kai felt part of his mind relax, slumping against the anxiety that haunted the core. He wasn’t supposed to be here. In this ordinary room: lost and vacant. A trespasser in a territory with no one left to claim it, filled only by a morbid past it pretended not to share. Just like the rest of this sordid mansion. It was practically pitiable.
He ran his eyes over the rest of the furniture – ornate closets, chairs lathered in once delicate velvet, lavishly framed pictures of painted strangers sneering at his passing – until they caught on the first piece with actual potential: an antique desk equipped with a matching leather armchair. A flutter slipped between his chest in anticipation of an end.
Fingers hesitated over muted brass handles threatened by the crossing of an unspoken line and the possibility of unwanted revelations held within. He took a moment to shake off the tendrils of his past.
A deep purple folder: that’s what he was told to look for. It was the only detail he had managed to catch from the lawyer before he sunk into the ground. He didn’t care for the contents, whether insidious or benign, just that it was the final thing he had to do, the final item on this long and arduous quest he’d had no say in being thrust into. He kept his motivation concentrated on that fact as he delved into the desk.
Eyes glazed over every piece of unnecessary information, keeping numbers and words blurred in his vision. Only once did his heart stop completely when the word “Abbey” broke through his defences as he flicked through a particular drawer: it was promptly slammed shut for the last time.
Just as the hope began to wane his eyes fell upon a distinct break in the colour scheme of the desk’s contents. The oversaturated purple hue of its plastic casing stood out against the monotone and Kai eagerly freed it from the penultimate drawer. It was heavy, heaving with whatever papers and documents the folder locked within its confines. He didn’t dare release them: the curious flare and want for mundanity were quickly overshadowed by the need for ignorance. Like his own stash Kai let the secrets remain in their intangible form. He’d gotten what he needed from them; let someone else pick at their carcass.
A weight fell as he gathered himself for the return. The tether was gone, duties fulfilled and nothing could ever lure him back to this place. He could leave, undigested by the acidic past, severing himself from the malevolent influence of the mansion. He turned towards his exist.
And saw his grandfather glowering at him from the bed.
The harsh sound of the folder hitting the floor echoed between them as Kai’s hands shot up to cover his mouth. Desk rocked back, smacking violently against the wall as instinct dragged Kai backwards and away from the looming presence sat straight on the lip of the mattress. Pupils pinpricked painfully against Kai’s skin, unblinking from a merciless gaze. Even the shadows of the rain refused to interrupt his menacing form.
The backwards pull kept tugging and Kai felt himself clip through reality, free falling downwards in a spiral that ended with him crashing into his memories. The phone ringing with an unknown number and the prophetic sinking he felt in response. A tired voice on the other end too weary to feign sympathy as they explained just how much his grandfather’s brain had eaten itself. He was to be moved to a medical ward, one outside of the prison he’d called home for the last twenty years presumably thanks to an old deal sweetened by the surreptitious exchange of cash. Kai was warned that the palliative care would be end of life.
When the chorus of incredulous voices asked he couldn’t answer why it was he decided to continuously visit the dying man. Personally, he’d blamed it on the trappings of familial duty, or the impending knowledge that his genetics could have the same plan in mind for him. Perhaps this once he could win favour with fate and it would respond to his future in kind as he was doing now. The answer he would not accept, what he would not even let cross the threshold of his mind, was that he was looking for his own answers. The finality pressuring to fill all the gaping blanks left strewn across his insides with some kind of acknowledgement. That would be unacceptable, useless, pathetic. And desperate.
What awaited him was a fetal skeleton curled up on a hospital bed continually mewing for its own father. It was only when the shock wave hit him did Kai realise that all his preparation had done was train him to look up just as he used to.
His grandfather didn’t recognise him of course. He didn’t recognise anything beyond the age Kai had been when Soichiro had stolen him from the opened hands of his own weak-willed father. The only interactions the old child had with the world were confused shrieks and occasional hollering he hurled at the strange man sat rigid and speechless by his unfamiliar bedside. It was the only response Kai could think to give the shell of his former commander.
The routine tumbled on for a lifelong month, the same story on repeat as Kai failed to quell his expectations and was bombarded by the babbling screams over and over again. Until the day the chaotic monotony broke with a silent figure perched on the edge of the hospital bed. His grandfather was finally still, and the peace fell like the drop of an atomic bomb as Kai stood frozen in its awesome horror. The old man’s eyes were cast downward, face shadowed by his long withered hair and it didn’t take Kai long to realise that the vacancy was intentional.
“You know who I am. Don’t you?”
Words crashed into the brick wall as Kai practically clambered over to see if the stoic veil could be pierced.
“You recognise me.”
The gaze stuck dutifully to the floor.
“Look at me.”
Blood stayed firmly in the stone.
“Fucking look at me god damn it!”
The stubborn rot of a man remained unflinching, statued against the mantra Kai screamed at him again and again, an assaulting barrage only halted as he was dragged from the room by the nursing staff. They let him crumple to the floor, held in knowing arms as everything wretched out of him in a hideous outpour drudged up from the very core of his being. It seemed to last as long as the years that once weighed it all down.
His grandfather died later that night, taking all acknowledgement with him.
The pull reversed and Kai plummeted back into the present. He found himself standing, back pressed flush against the desk, hands hovering over the slight part in his mouth.
The corpse still sat on the bed, shadow casting a veiled safety net over any expression it may have. A beat passed between them, time spent bracing for whatever action his grandfather would take next. The minute mark hit with an unusual stinging realisation: his grandfather could do nothing.
The sneer threatening Kai’s lips deflated along with the rest of the aching tension in his body. The longer he fixed his eyes the more the remains shrank back under their knowing weight. It bore a crude childlike resemblance.
A slight sombre fell upon Kai’s face as he bent to pick up the dropped folder. Clutching it to his chest, he felt the rancour of the room dissipate with each stride he made towards his exit. Before taking his final leave he eyed the hunched figure on the bed, verging on a shrivelled collapse.
“I hope you’re happy here.”
Kai left before the form returned to dust.
The mansion returned to its abandoned role as he descended the stairs. Quiet and still and soon to empty of all desire and hatred it once held in its stony grasp, leaving only apathy. His pace remained smooth as he reached the old oak doors, hand readying the handle. A determination to renounce this rotting beast once and for all pulsed through him.
It faltered as the sound of soft scuttling grasped for his attention again.
There, crouched behind an antique cabinet situated halfway down the corridor, a small figure peered up at him, one frightened crimson eye visible from the outline of the furniture. Kai instantly recognised the shaking form.
He shrank back as Kai made a slow approach, cowering deeper into the corner like a wounded animal. From the age of the boy Kai guessed he must have just arrived here, stuck in a perpetual beginning to forever teeter on the edge of anticipated suffering. It tangled his insides into tightly bound knots.
Kai knelt beside the boy who only recoiled further, muscles visibly tensing without the experience to know that that would only make the pain worse. Each cell split in two as he observed the trembling creature: part of him wished to seize the thing by the neck and squeeze the life out of it as a hateful mercy, to prevent all the hurt done to it and carried out by it.
The other longed to save the child, to scoop him up and run, embrace him in a hold so tight nothing could ever isolate either of them again. The clash caused his insides to drop under their raging current.
But a memory is a memory: they remain unmoved by all attempts to change them. Only a slow degradation into subconscious links in a neurological chain. The boy was an anchor haunting the end of an invisible thread.
“I’m sorry,” Kai told him in a hitched breath. “I wish I could tell you that it gets better. But it just changes. You deal with the next thing piled on top of the old and learn how to survive all over again. Just, please, remember you’re not alone any more.”
His young self looked up at him through messy slate bangs. His eyes filled with neither hope or doubt: just a simple, uneasy acceptance. They mirrored each other, framed by the decadent dark of the hallway before Kai forced himself to leave for the life waiting on the outside.
He continued to feel the boy’s stare as he left the mansion. It stood, drenched by the rain that blanketed all that rested underneath it. The façade dissolved and rushed to join the rivers in the gutter. What remained was a husk, the shape of a house without the living contents to make it a home. There to disintegrate under the weight of empty time.
Kai stood, umbrella long discarded, willing the water to wash away the remnants staining his eyes and cheeks. He looked up at the building: stone and mortar, ghosts and memories. Parts left behind only to return of their own volition. Never really letting go, just gaining the strength to keep moving forward.
With the last remaining fragments held close to his chest, Kai turned ready to relieve himself of the burden brazed onto his soul. Once again.