Chapter Text
“I'm terrified that I might never have met me.” - Growing Sideways by Noah Kahan
—
Secondary school had ended, university was looming, and Nick Nelson was losing his mind.
The last bell had rung three days ago, but Nick’s uniform was still hanging from a hanger on the door of his closet, blowing in the summer wind that came through his open window. It swung side to side, limp and faded, like it didn’t know where it belonged now. Nick felt similarly.
He had a plan, the same plan he had had for years now: attend Leeds University, studying sports science. It wasn't something he was ridiculously passionate about, but it's something people expected him to do, and if it was expected of him, it had to be correct, right?
Well, he wasn’t so sure anymore.
“What are you thinking about?” Charlie's voice cut through his thoughts. He was sitting in Nick’s beanbag chair across the room, a forgotten book in his lap. He was looking at him with a quirked brow, he’d always been good at seeing right through him with just one look.
“Nothing. Everything? I don't know,” Nick sighed and tilted his head back, it hit against his headboard with a thump. “Uni, moving out, change. It all… It’s a lot.”
Charlie hummed in agreement. “It is. It’s a good change, though, no?”
Nick closed his eyes, breathing out through his nose. “Yeah, I guess so.”
He heard Charlie stand and the gentle padding of his feet across the wooden floor. The bed dipped, and Nick opened his eyes and looked up to see Charlie sitting next to him.
“We should go somewhere,” Charlie said matter-of-factly. “Before all of this starts.”
“Go where?”
“Anywhere, it doesn’t matter. Just the two of us… a road trip.”
Nick raised an eyebrow. “Like, right now?”
Charlie grinned. “Like tomorrow. You, me, and your questionable driving skills. One last stupid, spotnaus thing before we have to go to uni and pretend to be adults.”
“My driving skills are not questionable,”
That made Charlie laugh, and the knot in his chest loosened just a little. It wasn’t a bad idea, sitting here and wallowing in his self-doubt wasn’t helping him any, and they didn’t have any plans for the rest of the summer. Though the thought of spending weeks on the road alone with Charlie did strange things to his heart, but he didn’t have the energy to think about what that meant right now.
“You know what, yeah, let’s do it. Let’s be stupid.”
___
Nick left the house the next morning with a goodbye to his mum and the dogs, his mum reminding him once again about speed limits and stranger danger. Nick assured her everything would be fine and kissed her on the cheek before leaving the house.
Nick pulled up to Charlie’s house in his car that was stocked with a cooler, a bag full of clothes, and his camera. He took the back seats out to make a makeshift bed with mismatched pillows and blankets. It wasn’t very practical, but it worked.
Nick rolled down the window as Charlie stepped out of his house. He had a bag slung over his shoulder, a jumper tied around his waist, and his hair messier than usual. He started wearing his hair longer, and Nick’s heart did that weird fluttery light dance again as he watched him attempt to pat it down against the summer breeze.
Nick stepped out of the car as Charlie walked to him, grabbing his bags from him and tossing them in the back.
“You still sure you want to do this?” Nick asked, closing the boot, pretending like he wasn't a bundle of nerves.
“Never been more sure,”
They hopped into the car, and Nick looked at him expectantly. “So, where to?”
“North,”
“North?”
“Yup, that’s all I’ve got so far.”
Nick laughed and started the car. “Alright, north it is.”
They eventually decided on their first stop being Oxford, they would drive until the sun set, then pull off somewhere to sleep. The idea was to drive and see where they ended up, and as fun as that sounded, they needed some sort of structure for where they were going. So, Oxford it was.
Fleetwood Mac played through the speakers as they drove, Nick humming along while Charlie wrote up an itinerary. There was palpable excitement buzzing in the air as they drove, the windows down and the sun shining.
They were quiet for the first few hours as Charlie researched and planned, Nick smiled to himself as he listened to him drum his pen against his notebook to the beat of ‘Everywhere’.
Though he didn't say it out loud, Nick hoped this trip would bring some clarity for him, to figure himself out.
People liked to think they knew who he was, they had a specific idea of them in their head that Nick subconsciously tried to match. It wasn’t on purpose, but it was something he found himself doing subconsciously, fitting the standard people had for him. He'd done that for so long that he felt like he'd lost himself somewhere along the way. Now, he was eighteen with not much sense of self and no idea where he was going with his life. He had his ‘plan’ for the future, but it didn't excite him in the way his friends talked about theirs.
Tara’s passion was dance, Tao’s was film making, and Charlie was so excited about working towards his Greek and Roman studies degree, and Nick… well, he just didn't have a passion. He liked rugby, but he figured playing professionally would take the fun out of it for him. So that's why he picked sports science; it was something everyone told him he would be good at. But was it something he wanted to do? He wasn’t so sure.
As the sun began to set and golden light stretched across the sky, Nick pulled off the road at the edge of a quiet forest and parked the car. Not quite sure how happy his mum would be if she knew about this decision, but there were no nearby hotels or rest stops. Besides, the thrill was part of the adventure.
They both got out of the car and stretched before climbing into the back on top of the pile of pillows and blankets he had set up; their bed for the foreseeable future. It was cramped, there was only about a foot of space between them, and they could just barely outstretch their legs fully, but it was cozy.
Nick lay down next to Charlie, looking out of the sunroof at the darkening sky, stars beginning to appear one by one.
“Not exactly five-star,” Charlie giggled.
Nick turned so he was facing him. They were close. Really close. Charlie’s eyes were such a deep, beckoning blue in the dark of the car, subconsciously drawing Nick closer.
Nick cleared his throat. “Definitely a one-star. But, we get the stars above us for free, so that’s a perk.”
“That was corny,” Charlie snorted.
“You love it.”
He rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “You’re an idiot.”
They lay in comfortable silence for a while, the only light coming from the dome light above them and the glow from Charlie’s phone screen.
“Are you looking a photos?” Nick asked without having to look.
“Yup. Some old ones from school,” Charlie snorted and turned his phone for Nick to see. A picture from year ten, Nick passed out asleep on Tara’s mum’s couch after their prom, mouth open and probably snoring. Not his best look, he thought.
“Oh God,” Nick groaned while Charlie laughed.
“No, no, you look cute,” He said between giggles.
Nick’s heart thudded once. Loud. He didn’t know what to say to that, so he didn’t say anything at all.
Instead, he turned the conversation elsewhere. Safer ground. “Remember that time in Year Eight? History class? Pasta Roman villa?”
Charlie laughed harder. “Oh my god. Mine collapsed within like, five minutes.”
“You got glue in your hair! You were so mad. Mister Dean had to excuse us to the bathroom so I could help you wash it out.”
“I still have a scar from that hot glue gun.”
They both laugh, an easy sound between them. It was good. This was good.
Silence eventually settled between them again, Charlie still scrolling through pictures. Nick watched him, the glow of the screen casting across his face, his dimples popping out when he occasionally smiled at a stupid picture he came across.
It was the comfortable, easy, close silence that made a memory that had been floating around in his head hit him like a punch to the gut. It was on the tip of his tongue, something he’d wanted to talk to Charlie about for a while.
He wanted to say; That was the year I had a crush on a boy, my rugby camp counselor. I didn't know it at the time, but now I know what that longing was. It was attraction.
He wanted to stay; I’m still figuring myself out, but I think you’re the reason why I started trying to in the first place.
But, instead of any of that, he said, “That was a good year.”
Charlie didn’t look up. “Yeah,” he said softly. “It was.”
A few minutes later, he yawned and tucked the blanket around himself more tightly.
“I’m gonna crash,” Charlie mumbled. “Wake me if something eats us.”
Nick grinned. “Sure. I’ll fend off bears.”
“Heroic,” Charlie murmured, already halfway gone.
Nick stayed awake, watching him drift off. His face was relaxed, at complete ease in the way it only ever was when he was asleep. It was one of Nick’s favorite faces of his, fully at peace.
Nick turned the other way, breathing deeply and letting the quiet settle around him. Somewhere deep in his chest, something pulled; a realization. It wasn't a confession or a conclusion, but something that calmed him and terrified him at the same time.
Maybe this trip wasn't only about freedom or blowing off responsibilities and being a kid one last time. But maybe it was about him; Nick getting the courage to find himself.
About them. Maybe Nick would finally tell Charlie how he felt. That these feelings and realizations of his were confusing, but the only thing that made sense in the mess of his brain was his not-so-platonic feelings for his best friend.