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It wasn’t a rough shift but the wind had picked up, making Buck’s leg ache more than usual. And Eddie? He noticed like he always did. That’s how they found themselves in Eddie's bed, in the house that they both shared, now that Eddie and Chris were back from Texas. They lay close to each other so that they could feel their body heat but not close enough; never close enough.
Eddie loved sharing a bed with his friend maybe more than he should. He was finally allowing himself to pick juice over water, so the next day, when Buck opened the closet to take out the bedding, Eddie stopped him and asked him to share the bed instead. It wasn't weird for friends to share a bed and they were friends, best friends even. Eddie kept asking and Buck kept saying yes until one day, he didn't have to ask anymore.
“I'm heading to bed, see you in there?” Buck didn't wait for an answer, he simply flashed his blinding smile at Eddie and headed towards the bedroom.
Eddie was screwed.
………
Buck had started infiltrating Eddie's dreams and he would feel bad about it if they weren’t the most wholesome ones. There were of course the occasional erotic ones where Eddie would try his best to get out of Buck's grip without waking him up, showering with cold water to fix the issue. But most of Eddie's dreams were pure. Them cuddling together in their bed, Chris and Buck baking together while Eddie watched them fondly. They were dreams that were just within reach if he were only brave enough to ask for them, to ask for more.
Things had started looking up for Eddie. He was finally home in LA with his son. And as the weeks went by, his and Buck's housing situation started feeling more and more permanent. Not once did Eddie ask him to move out and not once did Buck show any signs of wanting to leave.
Eddie couldn't stop the thought that maybe Buck wanted him the same way – in all the ways. A partner, not just at work, but a partner in life. The thought that maybe all the love that Eddie was hiding inside himself for Buck, maybe – just maybe – it was all returned.
It made Eddie feel warm inside.
………
It was a quiet shift and as Eddie made his way out of the 118’s shared bunk room, the sound of Buck’s voice made him stop dead in his tracks.
“I don't know, Bobby, I just don't think I can live there anymore. Whenever I’m near him, it's like – it's like I can't even breathe.”
“Have you talked to Eddie about this?”
“I don't know if I can do that, I just – I don't want anything to change. If he found out about how I really feel… I'm scared. I'm scared it'll change everything.”
Eddie’s mind went blank. Too many thoughts but nothing coherent. His legs moved, or at least he thought they moved. He couldn’t be sure, he thought he made his way back to the bunk room. He wasn’t certain; he wasn’t certain about anything anymore. It was like his whole world had just fallen off its axis.
“Jell-O, just think of Jell-O” his mind kept screaming at him. “Jell-O, your body is Jell-O.” His chest felt too tight.
He shut his eyes to build the illusion of being okay, while trying to control his breathing. He kept them shut until he fell asleep.
………
Buck didn't want to overthink and spiral, but there was something off with Eddie. They were sitting together on the couch, knees touching like they always did. Some people would call them too touchy with each other, but that was just them, Buck and Eddie, Buckley and Diaz. Too touchy, too codependent. Too much of a family unit for anyone to question.
At 7.15pm Eddie Diaz was sitting right next to him telling a story about his sisters. At 7.34pm Eddie Diaz went to the bunkroom to take a nap and at 9.45pm Eddie Diaz came out of that room looking gutted. Buck was wrecking his head trying to figure out what could have caused this. Worst part though, was that Eddie wouldn't even meet his eyes.
Eddie could have had a nightmare, they're not too uncommon in their line of work, but when Buck asked him about it, Eddie just sprinted out of there saying he was fine. Buck was trying not to spiral, he really was. But when it came to Eddie, Buck threw all logic out the window. They were 10 hours into their 12 hour shift and Buck was adamant about helping Eddie before their shift was over. Fixing whatever it was that needed to be fixed.
………
Their shift had come to an end and Buck was no closer to figuring out what had happened than he had been two hours ago. They were awkwardly sitting in the car, Buck in the driver’s seat and Eddie next to him. A love song was playing on the radio and for some indescribable reason it made the drive back home feel stilted.
Eddie turned off the radio.
They were met with silence at the house, Christopher being at a sleepover.
“I'm heading to bed,” Eddie said, rushing further into the house, away from Buck.
“Oh, I thought we were gonna watch that movie you mentioned this morning.”
“You can watch it if you want, Buck, I don't mind.”
Eddie was still avoiding eye contact. Eddie never avoided eye contact with him.
“Did something happen? Did I do something? You've been acting weird.”
“Nothing happened, Buck, I'm just tired. I'll see you in the morning.” And with that, Eddie left Buck standing alone in their living room. He could have sworn he heard Eddie mumble the word maybe as he was leaving.
Buck fell asleep on the couch halfway through the documentary. He woke up tucked in a blanket with a written note on the coffee table, the word “out” scribbled in Eddie's handwriting.
He got up, fixed the couch, did his and Eddie's mixed laundry. Did Christopher's laundry, tidied up both rooms, and still Eddie hadn't come back home. Buck was fighting every cell in his body that was telling him to text Eddie, but for the first time in a really long time he was scared he'd be too much. Too much of an annoyance. Too much of a problem that couldn't be solved. Evan Buckley, too much for his parents, too much for his partners, too much for anyone and everyone – always too much.
A phone notification shook him out of his thoughts. He walked over to his phone embarrassingly fast, hoping, wishing that it was Eddie texting him.
It was his delivery app.
A new toy he had ordered for Jee was outside his door, ready for pickup. Buck made his way to open the door when the doorknob turned and a figure appeared in front of him. It was Eddie. He was holding a package in his hand, presumably Jee's new toy.
Eddie stepped in, shutting the door behind him. It would have felt like a staring competition except that Eddie still wouldn't meet his eye. Buck wanted to say something to break this newly uncomfortable silence that had set in their home but he was at a loss for words.
Eddie broke the silence first, gesturing to the box that was still in his hands, asking if it was for Jee.
“Uh… yeah, yeah. It's from this kids show she's been obsessing over. Won't stop talking about it, you know how kids are.” Buck can tell that he's rambling a bit but Eddie's finally here, in front of him.
Eddie set the box down near the door, mumbling “I'm sure she’ll like it” and went past Buck without looking at him.
“Eddie stop,” Buck said pleadingly, taking hold of Eddie's inner arm. “Would you just talk to me? Please just tell me what's wrong. And don't say nothing, I know you. I know that something is bothering you.”
Eddie snatched his arm out of Buck's hold “Do you know me? Cause I thought I knew you too.”
“What's that supposed to mean?”
The house fell silent, the same kind of silence that Buck used to feel at his parents’ house. The type that was too fragile, the type that he never understood.
When it felt evident that neither of them had more to say, Buck picked up the box that was near the door, then looked over at Eddie. “I'm gonna go over to Maddie’s. There's some leftovers in the fridge if you get hungry.” As Buck was opening the door with his free hand, ready to leave, Eddie stopped him, a firm hand on his shoulder. It burned.
“You didn't do anything, Buck”
A pause. The only audible thing was their synced heavy breathing.
“You didn't do anything wrong, Buck,” Eddie spoke up again, his fingers digging into Buck's pulse point. Eddie dropped his hand and Buck’s body ached at the loss of touch. “I'll see you tonight?”
“Yeah, yeah, Eddie, I'll be back home.” With that, Buck stepped out, closing the door behind him and leaving his heart behind with Eddie while he made his way to his sister's house.
………
Eddie was left alone, standing, just staring at where Buck had been a second ago. He needed to pull himself out of his own thoughts, to deal with his feelings. He needed to stop feeling hurt. Because Buck hadn't done anything. It was Eddie who had gone and fallen in love with his best friend.
Still, every time he remembered Buck and Bobby's conversation he felt acid run down his throat. The thought that Buck didn't want to live with him anymore – that he didn't even feel comfortable enough to say it to Eddie – was unbearable.
But Eddie didn’t have time to wallow in his misery, so he pocketed his car keys and left to pick his son up from his latest sleepover.
The drive back home was quiet, Eddie driving and Chris playing on his phone.
“Are you hungry? There's some leftovers we could heat up.”
“No, thanks. Is Buck home?”
“Uh, no. He's at Maddie’s. Should be back later though.” Eddie could tell Chris was eyeing him weirdly before nodding and going back to his phone. Thank god for phones, Eddie thought to himself. He really didn’t feel like explaining what happened.
As soon as his house was in his eyesight, Eddie was disappointed at the lack of a certain someone's jeep. He tried to get rid of the pit of sadness in his chest, but was unsuccessful. Both Chris and Eddie made their way into the house and towards the couch, neither of them hungry. Chris turned on the TV, wanting to play some video games, and Eddie sat next to him, enjoying his son's presence.
He put his head to the side near the pillow. It was an uncomfortable position but he was sad and tired, so he didn’t care. As he was breathing in, he smelled Buck. The smell was faint, having worn out, but Eddie could tell. Eddie could always tell. Evan Buckley could be thrown in a room full of people and Eddie could find him without breaking a sweat. Eddie didn't believe in fate but the way he was drawn to Buck… there was no scientific explanation for that. Eddie took the pillow, hugging it closer to his chest, putting it closer to his nose – breathing in Buck. He fell asleep thinking of his best friend.
………
Cluttering from the kitchen woke Eddie up from his nap. Christopher wasn't on the couch next to him and someone had rearranged his position, so that he was laying down on the couch with a blanket thrown on top of him. Buck was back home. Eddie pulled himself up, walking over to the kitchen. The streams of sunshine right before sunset had painted the walls of their kitchen a dark yellow. Looking over at where Buck and Chris were standing in the kitchen, making pancakes together – Eddie couldn't understand. Couldn’t understand why Buck would want to give this up. If a family was what he always wanted, why couldn't Eddie and Chris be enough for him?
“Hey, you're up.” And this was one more reason why Eddie was so deeply, desperately and wholeheartedly in love with Buck. Whatever the hell was going on between them right now, Buck didn't let it show in front of Chris. He, just like Eddie, would always put Chris first.
“Yeah, woke up from all the noise,” Eddie joked while taking a seat, Chris joining him.
“Dinner is served,” Buck said, mimicking a waiter.
“Pancakes for dinner?”
“You know I can't say no to this one,” Buck said, ruffling Chris's hair and Chris swatted his hand away like the teenager he was. Buck took a seat in front of Eddie and for a few minutes everything felt okay again. They ate the pancakes while Chris told them about the latest school gossip he heard from his friends. For a few minutes Eddie felt like he had his family again, he felt like everything was back to how it should be. Then, Chris finished his dinner, bid them goodnight and went to his room. Silence fell over them again.
Buck got up abruptly and started cleaning the table. For a few moments Eddie didn't move, his eyes were following Buck's movements. Like a sailor following the voice of a siren, unable to turn away.
Buck had started on the dishes. Eddie got up, stood right next to him, facing him before starting to speak.
“You asked me what was wrong.” Eddie paused for a few seconds, leveling his breathing. “I overheard you the other day, when you were talking to Bobby.” For a split second Buck's whole body tensed. For anyone else it wouldn't have been as noticeable but Eddie knew Buck, knew how he worked and what made him tick. “I heard you, Buck, saying you wanted to move out.” Eddie kept on looking at Buck, but his focus was still on the dishes. The sound of water echoed through the silence.
A heavy weight sat on his chest, as he shakily spoke again: “Is our family not enough for you?”
The plate that Buck had been rinsing for at least a minute fell from his hands, splashing water on himself. Turning around, frantically searching for Eddie's eyes, it was Buck's turn to speak.
“Of course it is, Eddie, it's more than enough. It's all I've ever wanted.”
“Then why? Why do you want to move out?”
“Because I love you!” Buck shouted, almost screaming. Buck picked up the plate he had previously dropped, working on it again. In a soft voice, almost a whisper he repeated: “Because I love you.”
“You want to move out because you love me? That makes no sense Buck, I mean we're best friends, I love –”
“No, Eddie, I –” Buck finally put the plate on the racket, holding onto the sink instead. “I can't live with you, because I'm in love with you.” Buck went back to the dishes as if he hadn't just dropped a bomb on Eddie.
“Buck, can you please look at me?” Eddie moved closer to Buck as he finally shut off the water and looked at Eddie. Eddie put his hand on Buck's pulse point where it belonged.
“Why didn't you just tell me?” Buck does half a scoff and Eddie knew what was about to follow was something self deprecating so he cut him off. “Because if you had told me then you would have known that I feel the same way.”
Buck was quiet, too quiet.
“Do you need me to give you a minute?” Eddie asked, humor clear in his voice.
“What do you mean you love me? How?”
“How?” Eddie couldn't help but laugh. “What do you mean you love me?” he retorted.
“Yeah okay, fair.” Buck's faint laughter filled the quiet of the room and Eddie could have sworn he fell in love all over again.
Eddie's hand left Buck's pulse point moving further up, resting on his neck instead. His other hand moved up to cup Buck's cheek, caressing it softly. They both leaned in, noses bumping each other. Finally, close enough to breathe in the same air.
“I love you,” Eddie uttered again, unable to stop himself, not wanting to stop himself.
“You love me,” Buck said in a barely there whisper, in the softest way possible.
“How could I not?” Eddie asked, bumping their noses together again.
“I love you too,” Buck mumbled, touching Eddie's lips with his own.
Eddie pulled back a bit, shaking Buck out of his trance.
“Aren't you gonna touch me?” Eddie knew he was pretty much whining but here he had the love of his life right in front of him and he wouldn't even touch him.
“Eddie, my hands are wet.” Buck sounded way too serious and Eddie couldn't help it anymore, he surged forward muttering a quick “I don't care” before attacking Buck's lips with his own. Eddie had always thought that feeling butterflies and fireworks in your stomach was nothing more than a myth but Buck really did make him believe in magic. Buck's hands were finally on Eddie's waist, dampening his shirt and Eddie couldn’t be happier. Their kiss was broken by their matching wide smiles, Buck nudging Eddie's nose with his, exchanging “I love you's” to each other like a broken record. A broken record that Eddie never wanted to fix.