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“And then we kiss, right?” Awsten asks.
“What?” Michael asks, caught completely off guard.
They’re sitting on the floor of Awsten’s living room, discussing the music video that Michael wants to film for their new collaboration. It’s a stupid idea but Awsten is into it. He seems like the kind of guy who enjoys a stupid idea.
Michael has had a few stupid ideas involving Awsten, honestly. Saying them out loud might ruin their working relationship. Although Awsten hits on his friends constantly, so he might take it as a joke. Michael doesn’t really mean it as a joke, though.
Geoff and Otto are here too. Awsten set them up on his couch with Mario Kart and snacks, like he’s distracting a pair of toddlers so the adults can talk. Otto and Geoff have occasionally chipped in with ideas, but they’ve mostly just been swearing at each other. Michael can’t get a read on them. He’s pretty sure Awsten is in love with one or both of them but he can’t quite figure it out. Maybe they just act like that.
“Y’know, because of the whole fanfic author premise? People kiss in fanfiction.” Awsten insists like he’s some sort of expert. He has a podcast, so he might be. “I should know, I’ve read way too much of it. Mostly about me and those two.” He gestures to Geoff and Otto.
“I had to explain your podcast to my therapist the other day.” Geoff says, eyes not moving from the TV.
Michael loves that Awsten has a podcast about fan fiction. He’s listened to a few episodes - it’s part of the reason he wanted Awsten in this video. If anyone deserves to make fun of fanfiction authors, it’s him.
“Is that where your issues started?” Otto asks, nudging Geoff to try and put him off.
“I think it explains some of them.” Geoff kicks Otto in the thigh.
“Well, most of that is Travis’ fault.” Awsten shrugs. “What were we talking about?”
“You kissing me. For the video.” Michael reminds him. Awsten loses his train of thought all the time, he’s noticed. It’s endearing. A lot of things about Awsten are endearing.
“Oh right. I think it’s thematically appropriate.” Awsten explains.
“That’s a five dollar word.” Otto mumbles as he red shells Geoff.
“No it isn’t, you’re just stupid.” Awsten rolls his eyes. “Anyway, kissing me for the video, yes or no?”
“Don’t do it, Michael, that’s how he gets people to join his band.” Geoff says, trying to kick Otto in the face.
“I kissed you for reasons unrelated to getting you in my band, actually.” Awsten insists. “Michael?”
Michael feels like he’s been struck by lightning. What the hell is going on? “Uh, sure, I guess it does make sense.”
“Woo!” Awsten shrieks just as Otto tackles Geoff off of the couch. “Jesus, get a room, you two.”
“I left for a week, and you’ve already sold yourself to Waterparks?” Luke asks, his voice teasing.
He’s back in Australia for a few weeks, visiting family. It’s not that he doesn’t trust Michael not to do something stupid while he’s gone, but he has called Michael every other day since he left, and sent Calum or Ashton to check on him if he didn’t answer. Apparently he’s also calling them, but they’re better about picking up.
Sue him, Michael’s busy. He’s trying to figure out how to do solo work after spending nearly fifteen years making music with his best friends.
“I didn’t say that. I said I’m kissing Awsten for a music video.” Michael mumbles, his phone wedged between his ear and his shoulder while he unties his shoes.
He just got home from hanging out with Awsten. They went and got their nails done together, so they’d be matching for the video. Awsten talked his ear off the whole time, but Michael didn’t mind. He likes being part of a conversation where he doesn’t have to contribute. If he was allowed, Awsten could probably talk to himself for hours.
“That seems like a bad idea.” Luke hums.
“It’ll be fine.” Michael insists, more for his own benefit than Luke’s. He is a little nervous about it, but it won’t mean anything. He and Awsten promised each other that. “Awsten’s straight and it isn’t serious.”
“Because you’ve never caught feelings for a straight guy after kissing him for a joke.”
“That happened once.” Michael doesn’t like to think about his early experiments with his sexuality. Sure, it all helped him realise he was bisexual, but Jesus Christ he really wishes he had never met some of those men. “I’ll be alright, Luke. You worry too much.”
“I worry because you are a disaster person.” Luke goes silent for a moment. “He’s hot, though.”
“He is hot.” Michael giggles. He has thought extensively about how hot Awsten is, with his colourful hair and his bright smile. “He’s been really fun to work with while we’ve been recording. Would it… would it be bad if I liked him a little bit?”
“I guess not.” Luke chuckles. “You sound happy, that’s all I can ask for really. Just don’t get attached.”
“I won’t.” Michael promises.
He does like Awsten, a lot, but he knows better than to get his hopes up. The crush will run his course as Michael realises he prefers having Awsten as a friend. Maybe Awsten will be a terrible kisser and it’ll put Michael off him for life.
The deuxmoi post flashes in his brain.
Or not.
They’re filming the music video, and it’s been going surprisingly well. Geoff and Otto are very easy to film with because they’ll do pretty much anything Awsten says. Awsten is easy to film with because he’s up for everything and is willing to make it goofy as hell for the bit. It’s great for the music video, but he’d be a terrible actor in anything else.
Michael is not thinking about having to kiss Awsten at the end of this video. He is focusing so hard on not thinking about it that he keeps fucking up his takes. The crew just laughs it off, because they have time for a few errors - the song isn’t even three minutes long, after all - but Michael gets more and more self conscious the longer it goes on.
Geoff - Waterparks’ resident sweetheart - keeps asking if he’s okay, if he needs a break, but Michael brushes it off. He shouldn’t even be freaking out about this. It’s not even a real kiss - it’s for the video. The fact that Awsten is pretty and funny and keeps smiling at him like Michael is his favourite person in the world is irrelevant. It’s fine. He just has to get through this shoot, and then he only has to see pretty, funny, smiley Awsten at awkward networking parties and festivals.
He would like to see Awsten more, maybe, but that would be weird. Especially if Michael is crushing on Awsten, which he isn’t, probably. What the fuck is going on in his head? Part of him wants to sneak off and call Luke and scream about it, but he doesn’t have time.
The scene where they kiss comes around way too quickly. Michael keeps wiping his hands on his shirt because they’re so sweaty. Why is he freaking out? It’s one kiss. Nothing about it will change anything, except make the music video better. And blow up Twitter for a few hours, as Awsten keeps saying.
“This shit’s gonna kill both our fanbases stone dead.” Awsten says, bouncing around the set like there are trampolines in his shoes. “Tumblr’s gonna burn down.”
“If we kill our fanbases, no one will buy our music.” Geoff says diplomatically. He and Otto are sitting behind the camera, Otto’s head on Geoff’s shoulder. Michael still hasn’t figured out what’s going on there.
“They’ll find a way. They’re resilient like that.” Awsten insists. “Posthumous records, or whatever.”
“It’s posthumous when the artist dies, not the fans.” Otto reminds him.
“Whatever. Shut up.” Awsten pretends to kick Otto. Otto grabs his foot and tries to pull him down. Awsten screams, and Michael has to grab his arm to stop him from toppling over.
“Awsten, get back on your mark.” The director yells.
“Sorry, sorry.” Awsten jumps back in front of Michael - Awsten insisted on standing so his ‘best side’ was facing the camera. He grins at him in a way that makes Michael’s heart beat faster. “Does my hair look okay?”
Michael reaches out and runs his fingers through Awsten’s soft, teal (or mint or seafoam, depending who you ask) hair, trying to tame the flyaways. Awsten’s eyes close slightly, like a dog being pet. There’s a moment where Michael forgets what they’re doing, that they’re in front of a camera on a set, surrounded by people. Everything around Michael goes quiet, the bustle of the crew dampening to nothing. He strokes Awsten’s hair, nails scratching against his scalp ever so slightly. The only thing that matters to Michael right now is Awsten.
Suddenly, it all comes flooding back in. The crew, Awsten’s bandmates, the lights and camera all pointed at them. Michael snatches his hand back and clears his throat.
“Yeah, you’re good.” Michael says, which is not necessarily what he meant to say but it’s all that will come out of his mouth. “You look fine.”
“Just fine?” Awsten teases.
“You look great.” Michael sighs and smiles fondly. Oh God , he’s acting like the teenage girl that Sara is supposed to be playing.
The scene takes twenty-three takes, more than any of the other scenes did. In the first four, they don’t even kiss. Michael leans in, but before their lips can connect, Awsten backs up. He laughs nervously and apologises, eyes flicking to Geoff and Otto like he’s expecting them to say something. They don’t - they’re playing Mario Kart on Geoff’s switch and ignoring whatever’s happening.
For the next five takes, Michael manages to kiss him, but Awsten pulls away too fast for it to be a decent take. Part of the problem is that Awsten won’t lean in - Michael has to do all the work himself. Michael had heard that he was a princess but he didn’t think it was this bad. Then for the next ten, one or both of them starts giggling into the kiss and the director demands they do it again.
They can’t help it. The whole thing is just so silly. Michael grabs Awsten’s hand and, after confirming that they can’t see it on camera, looks Awsten in the eyes.
“Can we please just get through this scene so we can go home?” Michael asks, a little breathless.
“Yeah, sorry.” Awsten giggles. “I got it this time.”
The next take, they nail it. Awsten flinches back when Michael tries to kiss him, but Michael squeezes his hand and Awsten stops trying to get away. Frankly, it’s a perfect take, but the director insists they do a few more to be safe. They’re all pretty much the same, except the last one where Awsten suddenly decides to take an active role in their kiss. He puts his hands on the side of Michael’s face and kisses him eagerly, just short of shoving his tongue in his mouth.
Whoever sent that email to deuxmoi was right. Michael tries not to think about that too much.
“Alright, that’s enough.” The director sighs. “That’s a wrap.”
“Yay!” Awsten wraps his arms around Michael’s neck. “We did it!”
Michael doesn’t have the capacity to hug Awsten back. He feels like he has been punched in the face. What the fuck was that ? It was for the music video, it meant nothing, but seriously, what the fuck? Michael feels a storm of emotions inside him, a tightening in his chest, a sweet lack of breath.
He can’t feel like this right now. Awsten doesn’t feel this way about him, he’s just being silly. In fact, Awsten acts like this with all of his friends. Especially Geoff and Otto. Although, again, Michael is convinced that there’s something going on there. But Awsten is straight, so it doesn’t even matter.
The director makes them watch a handful of good takes to make sure they’re up to Michael’s standards. He feels dizzy seeing himself kiss Awsten. You can’t see that they’re holding hands. Sara is absolutely killing it in the background, thankfully, so the take is perfect.
“Do you wanna come for dinner with us?” Geoff asks as they’re packing up their stuff so they can leave.
“Uh…” Michael feels like he could pass out, both from exhaustion and the swirl of emotions he’s feeling about Awsten. “No, I think I’m gonna go home and get some sleep.”
“Okay! Well, me and Otto are in LA for another week if you wanna hang out another time.” Geoff says cheerfully, seemingly unaware of the turmoil going on within Michael.
“Sure. Tell Awsten I said bye.” Michael shoulders his bag, and walks out without another word.
“Oh God.” Awsten says, staring up at his bedroom ceiling. “I think I’m gay.”
Otto groans, burying his face into his pillow. Geoff covers his face with his hands and mutters not again. The three of them are sleeping in Awsten’s bed together, like they used to when they shared hotel rooms when they first started out. It’s a post-busy-day ritual that they’ve kept up for all of their adult lives. Awsten lies in the middle of them on his back, having some sort of crisis.
“I’m serious this time.” Awsten insists. “I think kissing Michael has done something to my brain chemistry.”
“Please do not fuck a member of 5 Seconds Of Summer. I’m not dealing with the fallout of that.” Otto rolls over and refuses to engage any further.
“You’re not gay. You’re at most bisexual.” Geoff says.
“That doesn’t make me feel better.” Awsten rolls himself into Geoff’s arms. “Who has a sexuality crisis at thirty-three? At my big age! I’m a disgrace.”
“We knew that already.” Geoff rubs Awsten’s back. “Maybe you’re just having a moment. You’re due another one of those.”
“Do you have my freak outs on a schedule?”
“Lucas does.”
“Fuck off.” Awsten mumbles into Geoff’s shoulder. “I think I’m in love with Michael Clifford.”
“You were also in love with Dallon.”
“Okay-”
“And De’Wayne.”
“Listen-”
“And Mikey Way.”
“Do you blame me?”
“No. And Pete Wentz.”
“Look, I’m serious this time.” Awsten kicks Otto in the back. He has been serious every single time. “Help me out here, man! Do I even have a chance with him?”
“No. You’re going to die miserable and alone in a ditch somewhere.” Otto mutters.
“You can always talk to him about it like a normal person.” Geoff says. “Instead of doing that weird thing you do where you half-flirt with a guy until they get so confused that they stop talking to you.”
“I’ve never done that.” Awsten, who has done that several times, says. “I’ll talk to him.”
Awsten does not talk to Michael like a normal person. He doesn’t know how. His feelings are something he keeps crushed down in his chest, only coming out in stupid jokes and songs he struggles to sing without crying. Instead he paces around his apartment in circles for hours, trying to figure out what the hell he’s going to do.
Eventually, he decides to just text Michael. Then he lies on his bathroom floor for a while, trying to decide what to text him. And of course, he has a stupid idea, and no one is here to stop him.
He finds the stupidest pair of twin plushies he can, one for him and one for Michael. Then he takes a picture of them sitting together on his bed and sends it to Michael.
i got us matching plushies do you wanna do a couples tag
What?
whats not clicking
Most of it
lets do one of those couples tiktok trends where it asks us questions and then we hit each other with plushies as the answers
and the plushies are matching to make it authentic
you can have the pink one
Is this what the kids call a hard launch
us making out in the video is a hard launch this is a soft launch before the video
Interesting
But sure we can do that
Awsten doesn’t know what Michael means by ‘interesting’, but he’s just ecstatic that he agreed to do it. They set a time and a place - the next day, on the roof of a parking garage that no one ever uses. He does another lap of his apartment to calm down, the plushie he bought for himself clutched in his arms. The one he got for Michael sits on his bed, staring at him.
“What the fuck are you looking at?” Awsten mutters. “Don’t judge me.”
They meet outside the parking garage, Michael wearing a winter hat because he insists he’s cold. Something about LA being cooler than Sydney. Awsten gives Michael a hug, arms flung around his neck. He remembers the kisses on the music video set - the unfamiliar angle of kissing someone taller than him, Michael smiling into the kiss as he tried not to laugh, his warm lips on Awsten’s-
Awsten has to pull away before he does something stupid like kiss Michael again.
“So, what the fuck are we doing?” Michael asks as he follows Awsten up to the top of the parking garage.
“Couple’s tag.” Awsten pulls the pink plushie out of his bag. “This one’s yours.”
“Aw!” Michael takes it, eyes wide and excited. He hugs it to his chest. “He’s cute.”
“And this one’s mine.” Awsten pulls the green one out of his bag too.
“They’re best friends.” Michael decides, making his plushie kiss Awsten’s on the forehead. For some reason, Awsten blushes. “Okay, show me the tag we’re doing.”
They listen to the sound through together so they can plan their answers. Because they aren’t actually dating, unfortunately, they need to come up with the answers. They have hung out a few times before, though, so they have some idea.
“You pass out so easily.” Awsten says. “You’ve fallen asleep while texting me before.”
“You eat like it’s your job.” Michael giggles. “And you say sorry a lot.”
“Your outfit is worth more than half my wardrobe.”
“Not true.”
“So true. And you take seven hours to do your hair.”
“You snore! Geoff told me.”
“I love you.” Awsten says fondly.
“What?” Michael looks up from Awsten’s phone, deer-in-the-headlights horrified.
Awsten backtracks like his life depends on it, and maybe it does. “There, I said ‘I love you’ first.”
“Jesus Christ.” Michael mutters, and quickly moves on. “You forget everything, so you’d probably forget Valentine's day.”
“It’s been known to happen.” Awsten admits.
“How hard can I hit you?” Michael asks.
“As hard as you like. I’m not soft.” Awsten grins at him.
“I bet.” Michael says, then starts the video before Awsten can say anything back.
They beat the shit out of each other. Awsten tries to hit Michael in the stomach and accidentally nails him in the crotch instead. In retaliation, Michael whales on him until Awsten has to run away. They shove each other out of the way, trying to get back in frame.
The sound ends, but Awsten tries to hit Michael again. Michael grabs Awsten, one arm around his waist and the other hand holding his wrist above his head. On instinct, Awsten goes slack, dropping his plushie and staring up at Michael with wide eyes.
“Stop that. Video’s done.” Michael says firmly.
“Sorry.” Awsten giggles. “You’re fun to beat up.”
“Hm.” Michael slowly releases Awsten’s wrist. Awsten drapes his arm over Michael’s shoulder and bats his eyelashes at him. “I don’t know how Otto and Geoff put up with you.”
“Otto throws me against the nearest soft surface until I shut up and Geoff has a kid so he’s used to it.” Awsten leans his chin against Michael’s chest so he can look up at him better. “Don’t you like me?”
“Yeah.” Michael says softly. “I like you.”
It feels like an admission of something more. Awsten starts to panic. This wasn’t supposed to go this far. It was a joke. He stares up at Michael as he starts to freeze up, unsure what to do next.
“You dropped our son.” Michael lets go of Awsten so he can pick the plushie up off the ground. He brushes it off carefully and passes it back to Awsten.
“My bad.” Awsten clutches the plushie to his chest. Michael tries to hand the other one back to him. “Hey, no, that’s yours.”
“Are you sure?” Michael holds his so gently, like he’s scared it’ll crumble into dust if he squeezes it too tight. “You bought it.”
“I bought it for you.” Awsten reminds him.
“But they’re friends.” Michael makes them kiss again. “They’ll get lonely.”
“Then we’ll have to hang out so they can hang out.” Awsten suggests.
Michael grins. “Sounds good.”
They leave the parking lot, and it seems that whatever moment they had is gone, because they’re back to talking like normal. A few days later, Awsten sees an article with pictures of them together, taken by paparazzi. He barely recognises himself. He is the happiest he has looked in… years? It’s jarring.
“Travis.” Awsten mumbles, face down on his bed with his phone on speaker beside him. “I’m having a crisis.”
“Fuck, hang on.” Travis says through the phone. His voice moves further away as he talks to someone in the room. “No, it’s just Awsten. Yeah, I’ll be back as soon as I can. Alright, love you.”
“Fuck you and your secure heterosexuality.” Awsten says when Travis focuses on him again.
“Is it this again?” Travis sighs, sounding more relieved than anything. “I’ve told you to just fuck a guy and figure it out.”
“I did that. It broke up my band.”
“Possibly Otto was a bad choice for that.” Travis hums. “Who is it this time?”
“Michael Clifford.”
“Who?”
“5 Seconds of Summer?” Awsten says. Travis doesn’t speak - of course he has no idea. “What is the point of you?”
“I’ve been asking myself that for years. So, this Michael is the cause of your gay crisis this time?” Travis asks. Awsten grunts. “What’s he like?”
“He’s sweet. Talented. He’s so, so funny.” Awsten sighs. “He makes me laugh so hard whenever we hang out. And I like hanging out with him, he doesn’t tire me out, you know?”
“He’s hot.” Travis says. “Sorry, I just googled him. He’s not blond, I thought he would be.”
“He is right now, he bleached his hair. You know being blond is not a requirement for me to like someone, right?”
“You fainted when Pete Wentz dyed his hair blond.”
“Untrue.” It is true. “Him being blond isn’t relevant. I think I’m in love with him.”
“Are you in love with him, or was he just nice to you?”
“I kissed him.”
“Jesus Christ, why didn’t you start with that?” Travis yells. “Tell me everything.”
“It was for a music video. But it was my idea. And it took like, a million takes, so we’ve actually kissed a bunch of times, and it was really nice.” Awsten groans. “It’s bad, dude, I think I’m gonna, like, die.”
“Unfortunate. I need you for the podcast.” Travis sighs. “I feel like I already know the answer, but have you talked to Michael about any of this?”
Awsten doesn’t respond.
Travis groans. “Awesome. You do this to yourself, you know that?”
“Fuck you.” Awsten turns his head to look at the dim light of his phone. If he closes his eyes he can almost pretend that Travis is sitting next to him. Sometimes he misses him so bad his chest hurts. “What do I do, man?”
“Talk to him.”
“Other than that.”
“Jesus Christ , Awsten. Either you talk to him and actually figure it out, or you push it all back down again and we’re back to you having this fucking crisis over a different guy every few years until one of us inevitably smothers you in your sleep.”
“You’ve thought about doing that, haven’t you?”
“We all have.”
“Okay. I’ll talk to him. He probably doesn’t like me back.” Awsten reaches out and grabs his plushie. He buries his face into it for comfort. He’s probably imagining it, but it smells like Michael. “I’m sorry for being such a pain in the ass.”
“It’s alright, dude. I love you no matter what.” Travis says gently. “Get some sleep, okay?”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
Awsten doesn’t talk to Michael about it. Not when they finalise the video, not when they do a shoot for a magazine, not when they hang out outside of actually working on the song, and not when they text back and forth constantly. He doesn’t know what to say.
He types out and deletes a bunch of different texts, curled up on the couch in his dark living room.
hey can we talk
i need to tell you something
sorry if this is weird
youre bi, right?
i think im in love with you
do you think im annoying
hey
hi
fuck marry kill me geoff otto lol
theres something fundamentally wrong with me and i think you could fix it
fuck youre so hot i think im gonna die
Backspace, backspace, backspace. Awsten drops his phone onto his face and sighs dramatically. He needs to figure out how to do this, and clearly it isn’t going to happen over text. When he has time to think he thinks way too much and nothing ever gets done. Maybe texting isn’t the solution here.
He’s never called Michael before, and the phone rings for long enough that Awsten thinks he isn’t going to pick up.
Then he does.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Michael, it’s me. Awsten.” He says awkwardly.
“I know.” Michael laughs. “You okay?”
“Yeah, um… I…” Awsten chickens out. “I can’t sleep.”
“Aw, no.” Michael says. His footsteps echo off the high ceilings of his home, just loud enough that Awsten can hear them. “Anything I can do?”
“I’m just lonely, I think.” Awsten admits. It’s true, he loves living alone but sometimes he hates it. He misses the companionship, having someone asleep in the bed next to him to remind him that he isn’t the only man on earth. Otto and Geoff have gone back to Texas after living with him for a couple of weeks, and it’s all piling up. “And worried about how the song will be received, obviously. ‘Cause that’s out tomorrow.”
“That’s alright. I’m about to get into bed, actually.” Michael says. “I’m worried about it too. Releasing solo music is terrifying, I didn’t realise it would be this scary.”
“It’s a great song!” Awsten insists. “If it bombs, you can just blame me.”
Michael laughs. It’s melodic and soothing, making Awsten relax into his couch cushions. “I don’t think it’ll bomb. I don’t know, maybe it will. I was never good at predicting these things.”
“Me neither.” Awsten closes his eyes and pretends Michael is lying next to him instead of in a different part of LA. “I hope people like the video at least.”
“Oh, they’ll love that. It has emo boys kissing.” Michael says.
Awsten laughs so loud he’s worried he’ll get a noise complaint. “Whoever came up with that idea is a genius.”
“I think so.” Michael giggles. “It’ll be fine, right?”
“Of course it will.” Awsten says gently. “You rock, dude. Your album’s gonna go number one, trust.”
“Thanks.” Michael says. “You feeling better?”
“Yeah.” Awsten whispers. The heaviness weighing him down has lifted a little, making it easier to breathe.
“Do you want me to stay until you fall asleep?”
“...yeah.”
“Alright. Do you want me to talk or do you want me to just be here?”
“Talk. I like the sound of your voice.” Awsten admits softly.
He doesn’t bother to open his eyes or move off of his couch. He can almost sense Michael lying next to him, breathing in time with him, maybe running his fingers through Awsten’s hair. Perhaps they kiss again, or they just exist in the same space so they both feel safe.
Michael starts telling a story about something stupid Ashton did on tour. At first, Awsten giggles and occasionally comments, but eventually he feels himself slipping into sleep. The words get jumbled, all that’s getting into his head is the safety blanket of Michael being next to him.
“You still there, Aws?” Michael asks, and it’s the last thing Awsten processes before he falls asleep.
When he wakes up, Michael has hung up. There’s a text from him in his inbox.
Goodnight dude, sleep well x
Awsten considers not replying - he’s almost embarrassed he fell asleep on call with Michael, like they’re teenagers or something. But he feels the pull, the warmth in his chest that Michael brings him.
good morning
sorry for passing out on you
but thanks for doing that
it helped
Michael replies immediately.
No problem x
Awsten tries not to read into the kisses. Travis is going to fucking kill him.
The song is a hit. Awsten knew it would be, because Michael is awesome, but he always worries. Twitter blows up so hard that it crashes. People draw art, make gifs, and write fanfiction. Awsten spends most of the day texting Michael, laughing at everyone’s reactions.
It’s good. It’s great. Awsten feels the happiest he has in months. He texts Travis asking if he listened to the new song.
Did you talk to michael?
listen
Motherfucker i swear to god im gonna fly up there and kick your flat ass into next week
rude
Awsten precedes to ignore all of Travis’ texts for the rest of the day. He calls twice but Awsten doesn’t pick up. Honestly, Awsten does not want to deal with his feelings for Michael. Once this collab has run its course, he’ll stop talking to Michael so much and it’ll all go away.
He scrolls through Twitter. Every other post is a gif of him kissing Michael. Eventually he stops on one of them, watching as he and Michael kiss over and over again. He watches Michael lean in, watches himself flinch back like he was surprised or scared. That wasn’t it - he just didn’t expect Michael to come at him so fast. He remembers Michael squeezing his hand to stop him from pulling away.
Then he remembers their last take. The director had told them it was the last one, and Awsten had realised that this was his last chance to kiss Michael Clifford, 2010’s Australian boy band heart throb. He went for it, grabbed Michael and kissed him like they were being separated forever. Michael looked so dazed afterwards that Awsten almost felt bad. No one brought it up, not even Otto who loves to psychoanalyse Awsten’s interactions with men.
Michael didn’t bring it up. Beyond being confused, he didn’t seem to care. Awsten feels that pit of despair open up inside him, the thing his therapist calls Rejection Sensitivity. Nausea sweeps through him. He tries to stand up but his head spins.
He needs to talk to Michael.
Michael tries not to feel offended when Awsten stops replying to his texts. The guy is always doing a million different projects, he’s probably busy. He watches as the comments and the memes continue to roll in when the Australians start waking up. There’s already fanfiction about him and Awsten. Clearly the video struck a chord with people.
People seem to actually like the song too. That’s reassuring. Hopefully this means his debut album won’t crash and burn.
Someone knocks on his front door, and he tries to remember if he ordered anything. He checks he hasn’t missed a call from Luke, but there’s nothing. Rain patters on his roof as he pads down his hallway. No one comes up to visit him without warning, so he’s a little suspicious. He opens the door, expecting a package he had forgotten about.
“Awsten, fucking hell!” Michael drops his phone in shock.
Standing on his porch is Awsten, soaking wet from the rain, hair dripping onto his shoulders. He shivers, breathing hard. Michael looks around but he can’t see Awsten’s car anywhere.
“Hi.” Awsten whispers. “I wanted to see you.”
“Did you walk in the rain?” Michael asks, mortified.
Awsten shrugs. “Car ran out of gas a mile down the road. I was meant to get more but I forgot.”
“Jesus- get in here.” Michael grabs Awsten’s arm and tugs him inside. “You’re gonna freeze to death.”
Michael brings Awsten into his house and helps him out of his wet clothes. Fortunately, the rain didn’t soak through his jeans or his hoodie, so Michael can sit him down on the couch in his t-shirt and boxers with a blanket wrapped around him. Then Michael makes him a cup of tea to warm him up and sits down next to him.
“You should’ve called me when you ran out of gas.” Michael wraps his arm around Awsten, rubbing his side to try and warm him up. “I would’ve come and got you.”
“Sorry. Wasn’t thinking straight.” Awsten mumbles, staring down at this cup.
“It’s alright. You’re alright now.” Michael presses his forehead to the side of Awsten’s head. He wants to protect Awsten from any further harm. “What did you need to talk to me about so bad?”
Awsten shrugs and doesn’t answer. He curls up into Michael’s side and shuts his eyes. Michael holds him for a while, rubbing his thumb against Awsten’s ribs. Neither of them speaks until Michael prompts Awsten again.
“Come on. You didn’t come all the way over here to not tell me what’s going on.” Michael whispers. “I’m worried about you, buddy.”
“Do you promise not to hate me?” Awsten whispers back.
“Of course.” Michael can’t think of anything that would make him hate Awsten.
“I’m having a gay crisis.” Awsten admits. His breathing picks up, and Michael can feel his heart hammering where his hand is on his ribs. “I’m not- I mean, I wasn’t gay for my whole life, then suddenly- I don’t- oh God .”
“Hey, hey, it’s alright.” Michael pulls Awsten into a hug, holding him tight against his chest and stroking his hair. “You’re okay, I’ve got you.”
“I’m a fucking idiot.” Awsten whimpers.
“You’re not. Trust me, I know how hard it is to figure this stuff out.” Michael drags Awsten into his lap and cradles him. Awsten takes a shaky breath. “You’re alright, we’re gonna figure it out.”
Awsten looks up at Michael with big, wet eyes. “I’m so sorry about this.”
“You don’t need to apologise, dude.” Michael swipes his thumb along Awsten’s cheek to catch a stray tear. “Who is it?”
“Who’s what?”
“The guy that’s got you like this. Come on, there’s always a guy.” Michael hugs Awsten a little closer, trying to comfort him. He wishes he had had someone to hold him like this when he was having his gay crisis. At least he can be here for Awsten now.
“I don’t know.” Awsten averts his eyes, staring down at the floor.
“I won’t tell anyone, I promise.” Michael wants to kiss Awsten on the forehead, like he’s seen Geoff do when Awsten is freaking out. It’ll calm him down but Michael doesn’t really know Awsten well enough to do something like that.
“It’s, um…” Awsten stares off for a bit longer, then swallows. “It’s Otto.”
Michael feels his heart crack. He didn’t exactly expect Awsten to say it was him, that their kiss is what triggered this. But hearing him say that it wasn’t that, just some unrelated freak out, hurts. Michael likes Awsten a lot, and Awsten doesn’t like him back. Even though he’s not straight like Michael - and apparently Awsten - assumed.
It makes sense, though. Awsten is all over Otto, trying to make him laugh. Michael is not an especially jealous person but he feels a burning hatred for Otto bubble up inside him. The poor guy hasn’t even done anything - he’s just someone that Awsten likes more.
Michael feels like he’s in a bad dream. He desperately wants to call Luke and scream and cry about it, but Awsten needs him. Right now, nothing else matters. Shoving the feelings down, he focuses back on Awsten.
“Oh. Have you talked to him about it?” Michael asks.
“No. He has a girlfriend so it doesn’t matter.” Awsten shakes his head dismissively. “I gotta get over it, but not the way I always do. I don’t want to, like, pretend I’m not attracted to men anymore, y’know?”
“Yeah, that makes sense.” Michael presses his forehead to the top of Awsten’s head and squeezes his eyes shut. “I’m here for you, I wanna help.”
“Thank you.” Awsten rubs his face against Michael’s shirt. “Right now I just want to stay here.”
“‘Course.” Michael hugs Awsten tight, and doesn’t let go for a long, long time.
Awsten turns his phone back on once he’s in his apartment several hours later. He has seven miss calls from Geoff, three from Otto, and an inbox full of unread texts from Travis.
AWSTEN
AWSTEN
AWSTEN CONSTANTINE KNIGHT
DID YOU TALK TO MICHAEL ABOUT BEING IN LOVE WITH HIM???
i panicked.
What the fuck have you done now?
i told him i was in love with otto
WHY???
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU???
“Welp.” Luke says when Michael is done explaining what happened over the phone. “Now for the long and arduous task of getting over him.”
“I can’t get over him.” Michael sniffs. He spent most of his explanation crying. “My twitter is full of gifs of us kissing.”
“Yeah, that’s not ideal.” Luke agrees. “At least the song’s good?”
“Fuck you, dude.”
Michael is at a party. He doesn’t know why he’s at a fucking party when he’s supposed to be preparing for an album release between fits of wallowing in his own misery about Awsten. Something his agent said about networking for more collabs, even though she knows Michael hates networking.
But he is, and he hates it, and he wants to go home. There’s no one here that he actually wants to talk to, so he loiters awkwardly in a corner sipping a lukewarm diet coke. Considering how his last collaboration went, he isn’t really interested in doing another one. His heart still hurts like it’s still breaking.
Awsten hasn’t stopped texting him. In fact, nothing has really changed. They still have their matching plushies, the matching nails, the weird half-flirting that Michael has convinced himself is just how Awsten expresses friendship. It’s making it impossible to get over him, so Michael doesn’t try.
He’s considering vanishing from this party and calling an Uber, when he hears someone yell his name from across the room. When he looks up, his heart sinks into his stomach.
It’s Geoff, Awsten’s bandmate. Before Michael can actually turn and run, Geoff is pulling him into a hug. He’s clearly tipsy, smelling vaguely of vodka, but Michael hugs back half heartedly.
“Oh my God, Awsten is going to be so happy to see you.” Geoff grins, like he knows something.
“He’s here?” Michael asks. Geoff nods. Michael’s heart rate picks up. “Is Otto?”
“Uh, yeah.” Geoff tilts his head at him like a confused puppy, wide-eyed and pouting. “You said that weird. Don’t you like Otto?”
“He’s fine.” Michael bites the inside of his cheek to stop him from saying something else.
“Is it because he disagreed with you about the drums on the song? He’s just a perfectionist, he didn’t mean to be rude.” Geoff says.
Michael remembers Awsten talking about Geoff - he’s a sweetheart, he’s a peacemaker, he’s the person Awsten tells everything to. Surely, he knows that Awsten is in love with Otto. But that’s not a normal reason for Michael to dislike Otto, unless Michael is in love with Awsten, which Geoff definitely doesn’t know about.
The other thing Awsten called Geoff is a secretkeeper. If you tell him something in confidence, he won’t say a word. Michael weighs up his options and decides, fuck it, things can’t get any worse for him.
“It’s not that. It’s just, I have a crush on Awsten, and Awsten likes Otto, so…” Michael gestures vaguely. “Sucks to be me.”
Geoff blinks at him. “What are you talking about?”
“Oh, well, it’s not really because we kissed in the video. I guess it helped, but-”
“No, not that bit. I believe that you like him, I’m not blind. I mean the bit about Otto.” Geoff downs the rest of his drink and puts his glass down on the nearest flat surface. “Explain?”
Michael is confused, but he does his best. “Uh, Awsten came to my house freaking out because he was having a gay crisis-”
“His biannual gay crisis, yeah.” Geoff nods, like that’s something he has come to expect.
“Um, yeah, sure. Well I asked him who the guy that had triggered this was, and he said it was Otto.” Michael feels sick even thinking about it.
Geoff shakes his head slowly. “Awsten hasn’t been in love with Otto since it broke up their first band. He got over that, like, fifteen years ago.”
“So why did he say that?” Michael feels like he’s being stabbed in the chest repeatedly.
“This explains why I had three missed calls from Travis.” Geoff purses his lips. “Come with me. I have an idea.”
Michael follows Geoff into a different room, where Awsten and Otto are sitting on a couch together, talking. The jealousy comes back, but then Awsten catches sight of Michael and his face lights up. In a moment, the jealousy switches to a soft warmth in his chest.
“Otto, we gotta closet protocol these guys.” Geoff says.
“On it.” Otto nods, no hesitation. He grabs Awsten and hauls him over his shoulder as Awsten shrieks.
“No, no, Otto, please don’t do this to me.” Awsten kicks his legs and tries to fight his way out of Otto’s grip. He’s too strong, though, and Otto marches off in a seemingly random direction. “You bitch, put me down!"
“What…?” Michael asks, but Geoff grabs his wrist and leads him after them.
They find a broom closet out in the hallway, and Otto shoves Awsten into it. Then Geoff shoves Michael in after him, and they slam the door shut.
“You motherfuckers!” Awsten hammers on the door. “Let us out!”
“Not until you figure it out!” Otto shouts back.
“Fuck you!” Awsten slams his fist against the door one last time before leaning his forehead against it and whining.
“What the hell is going on?” Michael asks.
“Closet protocol.” Awsten mumbles.
“Is that an American thing?”
“It’s a Waterparks thing. If two people are refusing to talk something out, and it’s causing problems, you shove them both in a broom closet or whatever you have, and refuse to let them leave until they talk.” Awsten turns to face Michael. They’re standing so close to each other that Michael can feel Awsten’s breath on his face. “So, we have to talk.”
“About what?”
“Whatever made Geoff call closet protocol.” Awsten bites his lip. “I think I know.”
“Oh.” Oh no. Michael really doesn’t want to talk to Awsten about his feelings, especially not in a fucking broom closet. “So… you go first?”
Awsten turns a little pale, but he speaks slowly. “I lied to you about being in love with Otto. I panicked, I was too scared to tell you the truth.” He admits.
“What was the truth?” Michael asks softly.
“I think you know.” Awsten looks up at Michael. “And I think I know why Geoff shoved you in here with me.”
They stare at each other for a long, awkward moment, because there’s nowhere else to look. The air is getting hard to breathe, either from the size of this closet or the tension between them. There are mere inches between their faces.
Suddenly, Michael says, “Your eyes are two different colours.”
Awsten’s face cracks into a smile. “You only just noticed?”
“I- I guess.” Michael giggles. “I don’t think I’ve been this close to you with my eyes open before.”
“We are very close together.” Awsten agrees. “Well, we talked about it, sort of. Maybe we can get my dumbass bandmates to let us out of here.”
“Maybe.” Michael links his pinky finger with Awsten’s. His heart hammers. “Or we could do something other than talk.”
Awsten opens his mouth as if he was going to say something, then closes it again. Michael has never seen him do that - he always just says exactly what he’s thinking. Instead Awsten leans up and presses a kiss to Michael’s cheek. Frozen, Michael lets Awsten wrap his arms around his neck and trail kisses along his cheek to the corner of his mouth. Then he stops, gazing into Michael’s eyes.
“If you want out, tell me right now.” Awsten whispers. “I won’t be offended.”
Instead of answering, Michael kisses Awsten. He presses Awsten back against the door, one hand interlaced with Awsten’s and the other on his hip. Awsten pushes his fingers into Michael’s hair and his tongue into Michael’s mouth. They make out sloppily, forgetting that they’re in a broom closet as Michael’s hand finds its way up Awsten’s shirt. Awsten lets out a little whimper that makes Michael kiss him harder.
Without warning, the door opens and Awsten falls backwards. Michael manages to grab Awsten around his waist with one arm and grab onto the door frame with the other so they don’t topple onto the floor.
“I’m guessing you figured it out.” Geoff asks.
“I don’t think so.” Awsten shakes his head, arms still wrapped around Michael. “I think you should leave us in the closet for a while longer.”
“You’ve spent enough time in the fucking closet.” Otto mutters.
Awsten rolls his eyes as Michael giggles, face buried in his neck.
“People are still posting the gif of us kissing.” Awsten says.
He’s sitting in Michael’s lap, back against his chest. Michael is half asleep while Awsten scrolls through his twitter timeline, an episode of The Office playing quietly on the TV. It’s raining outside again, but this time they’re both safely inside Michael’s house.
“Maybe we should give them new things to gif.” Michael runs his hands over Awsten’s stomach and kisses the shell of his ear.
“We should do another couple’s tag.” Awsten agrees. “But we actually have confirmed answers to the questions this time.”
Michael nods. “Geoff was right, you do snore.”
“Shut up!” Awsten hits him with his plushie. “I still said I love you first.”
“Well, I say it now. I love you.” Michael kisses Awsten on the cheek.
“I love you too.”