Work Text:
"Maybe I never really did love you!"
As soon as the words left Dan's mouth, he regretted them immediately.
"You know what fine! I don't care!"
Phil shouted and turned on his heels. And with that, he grabbed his keys, and storming out off the flat. An echo of a door slamming was the only sound in the lonely London flat. A tear fell from Dan's eye when he had realized what he had done. "Well done Dan! You managed to fuck up the best thing that ever happened to you!" He collapsed on the sofa, letting sobs escaped his mouth as the pillow turned damp with tears. It hadn't started that badly. They had been watch a anime when Phil suddenly turned to him and said
*flashback*
"Would you ever want to come out"
Dan had started choking on his pizza.
"What?"
"Like would you ever want to tell the fans about us?"
" I don't know Phil it would cause a massive shitstorm and who wants to deal with that. Besides they already don't really respect our privacy"
"I know I just don't like hiding"
"But think about what would happen if we did. We'd have way more stalkers, all the awkward sexual questions would become more frequent, people would probably always be trying to take photos of us or get us to kiss even more than they do now"
"But would it really be that bad?"
"Yes! It would. You seem to care more about this than how I feel."
It only escalated from there. Ending with screams and slammed doors and tears and heartbreak.
*end flashback*
And new wave of fresh sobs wracked through Dan as he lay helpless on the couch. He thought back to years ago when he had just met Phil, when he was still an awkward teenage fangirl. Phil helped him out of his depression and made him happy again. Dan just wanted Phil to return and everything to go back to normal, but that doesn't happen considering the things that were shouted in that moment of anger. He had went and ruined everything good that had ever happened to him
He stumbled his way into his own bedroom to head in for the night. When he fell onto his bed he cried, he cried hard. His arm wrapped around his Haru pillow briefly before he threw it off the bed, it reminded him of Phil. For the first time in years, asleep to the sound of his own sobs with no one to hold onto.
Hours later the door slammed again, a tall figure bounding up the stairs before rounding his way into his bedroom. He knew he shouldn’t have but he hoped that everything would go back to normal and Dan would be asleep in their, no Phil’s, bed. He peeked into the lounge and when he say Dan had not crashed on the couch he headed for his bedroom. His heart dropped when he realized he was all alone.
The next morning Dan woke up and got breakfast, immediately returning to his bedroom to eat in silence. He didn't bother with clothes or showering, and when nightfall came, or rather 2 am, he fell asleep just as he did the previous night. Sobbing until he couldn't anymore.
2 months later he still wasn't over it. He was crying less, and leaving the house more, but his relationship with Phil hadn't improved in the slightest. The fans had started to notice that he wasn't making as many videos, none with Phil, except for a single Danandphilgames videos. He had also lost quite a bit of weight and was starting to look a bit sickish, probably due to his not eating as much. He wasn't anorexic, he just never felt hungry anymore. They're even picked out on the fact that the was more depressed like back in 2009.
Dan awoke one morning, he needed to go out and buy some new headphones and other assorted cords. When he did, he found himself sitting up slowly and a dull pain ached in his back.
“Argh.”
This had been going on for a few weeks and he was starting to get a little worried. He picked up the phone and called his doctor, making an appointment for the next day. Reluctantly he swung his legs over the side of the bed, half walking, half sorta truding to the kitchen. Phil was at the fridge, holding a carton of lactose free milk. Dan’s heart broke a little more when Phil didn't even say good morning to him. Dan grabbed his cereal and headed back to his room, shoveling dry cereal into his mouth by the handful, but he couldn't care less. He plopped back onto his bed and reached for his computer. Turning on tumblr, he continued to eat the dry cereal. It was hours later when he finally sat his computer down on the floor, not bothering to straighten his hair before heading out to the store.
“Phil I'm going out!”
No response can from the flat as he slammed the door behind him. The busy sound of London filled his ears as he trudged down the street. It was nice to get outside, try and get his mind off things for a while.
“Oh my gosh it's Danisnotonfire!” Two girls came running straight towards Dan “shit” the two girls were standing in front on Dan, smiling like idiots.
“Hi I’m Sarah!” Announced a perky redhead covered in freckles.
“And I'm Jamie!” said a blue haired girl wearing a Dan and Phil shop tee.
“Oh my god we're huge fans! Why haven't you been uploading videos recently? Where's Phil? Isn Phan real?” The last question is what did it for Dan. He always hated when people asked if he and Phil were together, it broke his heart now that they weren't. A constant reminder of what could have been. The girls were saying something else now but he wasn't paying attention to them. His gaze didn't focus on anything and a tear fell out of his eye as he pushed past them. Starting to run down the block, and onto the next before bounding up the stairs to his flat. Notifications started blowing up on his phone. Those girls probably tweeted what happened. Phil would see them, and even now, even when he knew Dan was hurt, he didn’t come comfort him.
On the other side of the bedroom wall, sat Phil. His phone was also going off, theories going around, rumors, untrue stories. He switch it to mute. He was truly over Dan. It had been really hard at first, he had really loved that boy. But he had really hurt him. Of course he still cared about him. He always would, but he had come to terms with the fact that he and Dan were no longer a thing after over six years together.
The next morning Dan rolled out of bed with a load groan, the middle part of his abdomen ached. He groaned again when he remember the doctor’s appointment he booked. It probably was nothing, maybe he had just slept wrong or he wasn't eating healthy enough. That was probably it, maltesers and cereal wasn't the best diet. The events of yesterday came rushing back to him, including him falling asleep before midnight, which probably explained why he was up at such an early hour. Hopefully today he wouldn't run into any fans, he really wasn’t in any mood to do so. After an uneventful train ride, except for an angry look for a woman whose breast he had accidentally elbowed, he made his way inside the hospital. The receptionist looked fairly young and kind. He checked in and sat down near a middle aged woman who wouldn't stop sneezing.
“Sorry. Allergies”
“It's okay”
“You okay son? You won't stop shaking.”
“Yeah. I guess I'm just a bit nervous is all.”
The door swung open to reveal a nurse in pink scrubs with a matching pink ponytail.
“Daniel Howell!”
“That's me.” He said before getting up. As he did so, his back hurt just a bit more. The overlay pink nurse lead him down a halfway to a door.
“You can wait in here until the doctor comes. Stop down to your pants and put these on.”
She shoved an ugly hospital robe into his hands and shut the door behind. He took off his clothes and put them on a chair to the side and donned the hideous rag if a robe, leaving him in only his underwear and the robe. After a few minutes of him just swing his legs against the bed, the door open and a middle aged doctor with an awful combover entered.
“Okay Mr Howell. What seems to be the problem?”
“Well my backs been kinda hurting for a few weeks now and I don't know why.”
“Could you have had a sports injury of some type? Or maybe have you been sleeping wrong?”
“I don't think so. I don't play any sports and I've been sleeping exactly the same as the last few years but this only started a few weeks ago.”
“Okay Mr Howell, we would probably do an MRI to see.”
“O-O-kay.” He had never had one before and he was quite nervous. They lead him into a room and asked a bunch of questions before leading him to another room and telling him to lie down. He wasn't sure how much time had passed since they started but it was too long for his liking. Several doctors were gathered around a computer, pointing at the screen. Dan hear jumped; they looked worried. It wasn't until a few minutes later when the doctor he had been talking to approached him.
“Well Mr. Howell. We're still not sure.”
Dan let out a sigh, all that time wasted on nothing.
“We have our suspicions of something but we can't be sure yet. We’d like to do a biopsy sometime later this week.”
“O-o-kay.” Dan's heart jumped, that sounded serious. Biopsys were rarely done for little, easily fixable things. But as he said, they don't know yet, it could still be like an infection or something. He put back on his Street clothes and left, after making an appointment for two days from now. He watched pebbles fly forward as he kicked them on the street. Light rain soon sped up, soaking his clothing. It seemed like the kind of day to just take the long way home, so that's what he did. His hair started to curl around the ends as it got wet and cold raindrops ran down his face. He continued like that until he got home. Bounding up the stairs two at a time, he left wet footprints behind him. He took a shower. The warm water felt like fire against his cold skin. He stepped out and wrapped a towel around himself. He wiped the mirror off with his hand, gazing at his reflection. There was something about it that was a little off putting but he couldn't place it. He spent the rest of the day endlessly scrolling through tumblr.
The next two days were a blur in Dan’s eyes and before he knew it, he was back at the hospital. Again he was lying on a bed, without a shirt. A needle pierced his skin. He twitched and felt his IV pull on his hand. He didn't really feel it, but he couldn't help but be scared. He just wished he had brought someone with him; he was way too lonely to be going through a possible medical crisis.
Later, when everything was done Dan laid in a hospital bed. The doctor had told him they wanted to keep him for a few hours for observation. He was scrolling through Tumblr and Twitter on his phone. The fans had noticed he hadn't posted much in the last few day, so he decided to send out a tweet. “Sorry I haven't been online recently. I've been really busy with something.” Immediately the replies started coming in “I bet he and Phil are banging!” “@Danisnotonfire like what? ;)” “@danisnotonfire good you've haven't been online as much” He signed sadly when he thought of Phil. Had Phil even noticed how much he'd been out recently. He doubted Phil even realized he wasn't home. Slowly, a single tear fell down his face before he buried his head in his hands and began to cry.
A few days later he was sitting on the couch watch an anime. He had a bowl of cereal ready and it was one of his favorite episodes playing. He was working a spoonful of lucky charms when his phone rang. An unknown number displayed on the screen and he picked it up.
“Hello.”
“Is this Dan Howell?”
“Yes”
“This is the hospital. We have your biopsy results. Could you come in ASAP?”
“Sure. I can be there in half an hour.”
“Okay sir”
The person on the other end of the line hung up. Come in ASAP? That sounded bad. Why couldn't they just tell him over the phone. What if it was something really serious? He paused the anime and pulled on his shoes, racing out the door. The cereal was left abandoned balanced on the arm of the couch. During the taxi ride on the way to the hospital, his mind wouldn't stop racing. Anxious, worried thoughts flooded his head. The car pulled up and he got out. When he got inside, the same pink haired nurse from the week before lead him to an office at the end of a hall. The doctor from a few days ago was sitting behind a large desk. He motioned for Dan to take a seat.
“Well Mr Howell, I have your test results from the biopsy. I thought it would be better to tell you in person.”
“Okay so what did you want to tell me?”
“You have cancer.”
“WHAT?!” This is was bad, very bad. He couldn't have cancer. Could he afford treatment? Was it too late? Would he die? He was too young to die.
“Now I know this is quite surprising. But it’s only stage two. There are treatment options but those still might now work.” A tear fell from Dan.
“W-w-what kind?”
“Pancreatic. It's very rare, especially for someone your age. There's a six percent chance of long term survival.” A ninety-four percent change he would die. He was going to die.
“Why don't you go home and process this information. Come by sometime tomorrow so we can discuss what we want to do.” Dan just nodded and took the pamphlet the doctor handed him. “Pancreatic Cancer” he wiped a few more years and turned away. Once he got outside he found a taxi and started sobbing, listening to the rain against the car. An image found its way into his mind, a tombstone, with Phil putting flowers by it. It had his name on it. He cried even harder. Phil. What would he tell Phil? This wasn't really something he could hide, especially if he decided to do chemotherapy. The car pulled up and he gave the drive the money before running out and up the stairs to the flat. He needed a hug, someone to comfort him. The only one who came to mind was Phil. He didn't care that they had broken up months ago or that they didn't even talk to each other very much. Quietly he knocked on Phil’s door. When there was no response, he quietly push the door open.
“What do you want!” Phil spat at him. He turned back to his computer.
“Phil I need to tell you something.”
“Make it quick.” Dan slowly sat down on Phil’s bed. Dan started to cry again.
“I-I-I-I’m-I’m” As much as Phil didn't want to see Dan, he didn't want to see him cry even more.
“I’m-d-dying” The last word came out quietly. Phil's eyes widened and began to water, Dan was dying?
“What?” His voice cracked “you're dying?” Dan just nodded. Phil gingerly pulled him into a hug, so they were cuddling in Phil’s bed.
“Of what?”
“Cancer. I probably won't live until next year.”
“But there's a chance you'll survive right?”
“Only about five percent.”
“Oh my god Danny baby” Phil pulled him closer. Dan wiped his tears and sat up, pushing Phil away.
“I know you still hate me for everything I said, I just needed to tell you. I'll go now”
“What. No!” He pulled Dan back down. “I might still be hurt by what you said, but I forgive you. I'm not letting you go through this alone. I promise you you'll be okay”
“I'm going to die”
“Then I won't let you die alone.” He placed a kiss on the top of Dan's head. “I’ll always love you okay.” Dan just nodded and wrapped his arms around Phil. “Promise me you'll try and get better.”
“Of course.”
The next day they went back to together to discuss Dan’s treatment options. Phil held his hand the whole time. Dan really wanted to get better, no matter the price. They set up appointments for chemotherapy and radiation.
“Hey Phil?”
“Yeah”
“You realize this means I'm going to lose my fabulous hair right?”
“Hey. You'll always be gorgeous to me.” He pulled him in for a kiss.
Later that week they took him to get a bunch of beanies and a haircut, to make the hair loss seem less noticeable. They told their closest friends and family. To say everyone cried was an understatement.
It didn't take that long for the fans to realize something was up. Phil wasn't making as many videos and Dan hadnt made any in weeks. Dan hadnt wanted anyone to know what he looks like now. Whenever he left the house he always wore a hoodie and kept the hood up. He hated the way he looked. All his hair was gone, his skin was tinted yellow, and he was skinny and the skins clung to his bones. Of course Phil though he was beautiful. He would always kiss him where he felt insucure and tell him about how beautiful he was.
Eventually they told the fans. When they did everyone was so supportive of Dan. A few even tried to send money to help them.
Before they knew it, seven months had passed since Dan was diagnosed. He was still probably going to die, but that didn't stop Phil from getting down on one knee and asking Dan to marry him. Of course Dan said yes. He was just glad he wasn't going to die alone. He had Phil right by his side through everything.
It was one day, a few weeks after they had gotten married and about a year after Dan was diagnosed. Dan was laying in a hospital bed and Phil was right by his side, holding his hand. The doctor came in and told them. They both cried.
“Mr Howell, you are officially cancer free.”
Happy tears ran down their faces. Phil grabbed Dan and connected their lips. He was glad that Dan was here to stay. His beautiful amazing husband, who had the most infectious smile and the warmest eyes. Who sang along to one direction in the mornings and was the king of memes. Who made millions happy and made Phil the happiest of them all, was going to live. Against all odds Dan would be okay. And five years later Dan and Phil would be laughing on the couch. Their friends would come by and congratulate him on five years cancer free and their three years old daughter would come running in and jump into her dads’ arms. They would laugh and for Dan and Phil. Everything is perfect.