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"Jennifer?" Will sighed, exasperated. It was clear JJ's mind was elsewhere. "I'm trying to talk to you here. Will you listen please?"
"Sorry." JJ said softly, but insincerely. Her mind was elsewhere, but also nowhere. She just couldn't bring herself to care about whatever this generous, kind, and loving man was telling her. Not many things could hold her attention these days. "Do you want a drink?" She cut in, opening the fridge door.
"Do I want a drink? JJ, I'm trying to talk to you about our marriage over here. What's going on with you?" Will's voice was pleading as he reached an arm out to JJ's forearm.
JJ paused a minute, before pulling her arm away to open a beer for herself. Taking a swig, she closed her eyes, a pained expression on her face. “I'm really trying OK, I'm just so fucking numb, Will." JJ lent deflated against the kitchen counter. Will stood from his bar stool, pulling her into his arms.
"We have the most beautiful family, and for once our jobs are settled. What is the problem Jennifer?"
"I don’t know. I just, Will, I just I can't right now OK?" JJ gently pushed Will away, barely registering the hurt expression on his face. They’d been verging on having this conversation, the one where their marriage would sink or swim, far too often in recent months.
She padded up the stairs with her beer in hand. Her mind was filled with static, and she silently cursed herself as she locked the door to their bathroom and slid to the floor. She stared expressionless at herself in the full wall mirror, motionless aside from regular swigs of beer.
Eventually the aggressive chill of the tiles brought her back to the present. She wasn’t sure how long she’d been sitting there, but the beer was nearly empty. She pressed her fists against her eyes, seeing stars, just to feel something. Was it her marriage causing her to be so cavalier with the feelings of those around her? To be so numb to everything, including and especially Henry and Michael? It certainly wasn’t helping, she knew that much. So often she felt like she was role-playing in someone else’s life, going through the motions, without truly connecting with anyone.
She knew she should talk to someone about it, but knowing something and being ready to do it are two different things. At that moment she only had energy to breathe and drink, and that would have to be enough.
---
“You look terrible. Are you ok?”
“Thanks Spence, how kind of you.” JJ snapped sarcastically, sinking into her desk chair. She’d slept maybe three hours overnight, two of those sitting on the bathroom floor. To her relief, by the time she’d made it to bed, Will had been fast asleep. Her falling asleep outside of their bed had become a regular occurrence. Being next to Will felt overwhelming, and JJ craved being alone. She pondered what she was going to do about her marriage, her family, when Emily’s voice brought her back to the present.
“A bit blunt perhaps, but he’s not wrong Jayje. You look tired. Are you OK?” Emily asked softly, concern etched across her features as she took in JJ’s exhausted form.
“I haven’t been sleeping well, but I’m fine. Is Hotch in yet?” JJ added quickly, keen not to let the focus linger on her for too long.
“Got here before anyone else, he’s had the door closed the whole time. You reckon he’s got a case, or some kind of bureaucratic drama?” Emily asked. Her question was answered promptly by Hotch’s door opening.
“Briefing room, 2 minutes.”
---
The case was nothing special by BAU standards. High risk female victims, strangled and disposed of along the interstate in both Delaware and Virginia next to the same baby onesie.
The team had settled up their first day with the locals and retired to the hotel bar.
“Michael had that onesie.” JJ said quietly, breaking an extended silence. Emily was wedged into the booth opposite her, the rest of the team having excused themselves to bed already.
“It’s a common looking onesie JJ, I wouldn’t try to read anything into it.” Emily said calmly, trying to read JJ’s facial expression, and failing.
“I don’t miss them as much as I should?” JJ said, her voice raising like it was a question. Emily took her words in, her eyes narrowing slightly as she considered them. When the silence that followed became unbearable, she responded.
“Henry and Michael?”
“And Will, I guess.”
“Why do you think you should miss them more? I’m sure having two small kids is tiring, and sometimes being away on cases must be something of a welcome break from all of that?”
“I guess. I don’t know. I don’t really miss them at all, I guess, is what I’m getting at.”
“I’m sure that’s not true. You love your family JJ. Why do you feel like you don’t miss them?” Emily reached out to place a hand comfortingly on top of JJ’s as she saw silent tears begin to fall down her cheeks.
“I don’t feel anything Emily. I feel numb. Well, I guess I feel guilty for feeling nothing. I have the picture perfect family and I’m so fucking unhappy.” JJ took a sharp inhale after her last words, seemingly taking herself by surprise with them. She looked down at her glass, steadfastly refusing to make eye contact with Emily, whose grip had tightened comfortingly around her outstretched hand. Tears dripped from the end of her nose, making
“Thank you for telling me that.” Emily said evenly, suppressing any emotion from her response. “Can I suggest something that might help? I’m happy just to be a someone for you to vent to, if you’d prefer that.”
“I feel so stuck Emily, how did this become my life? I’ve made so many wrong decisions. I can’t get out without hurting so many people. I can’t do anything about it. I just need to fix myself so it’s not a problem. You got a solution like that?” JJ sighed in frustration, pulling her hand back from Emily, and finishing her drink in one. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to snap. I think I’ll go to bed. Thanks for the drink and the sympathy Emily.” JJ sighed, standing up before Emily could protest.
“You have nothing to apologise for. Jayje, I love you and I’m worried about you, and I’m here for you however is helpful OK? Keep talking to me.” Emily said as JJ shrugged her jacket over her shoulders. JJ nodded slowly, turning to go up to her room.
Emily sat in the bar nursing the last of her own drink for a while after JJ had gone to bed. Her heart ached for JJ. She reassured herself it would ache just as much for Reid or Morgan if they were struggling like JJ clearly was. There weren’t any complicated feelings about JJ to think about. No. The hypothetical at most feelings were irrelevant.
Emily cycled through the reasons her not-even-really-there-feelings for JJ didn’t even warrant further thought. She valued her friendship with JJ too much. JJ was married. This clearly wasn’t the time to burden JJ even more. Was she even sure she had feelings for JJ anyway? “Yes.” She thought. The feelings were definitely there.
---
The case passed the same as so many before, fruitless lead after lead, until a witness identified the UnSub from surveillance footage of purchasers of the onesies in question, leading the team to a rural address.
Once they had all suited up for the raid, they entered the house, branching off to clear the old farmhouse quickly and silently.
JJ followed Morgan, both with their guns outstretched, into a bedroom at the end of a hallway. She watched him clear the room before spinning around to face her. “JJ!” he shouted, but too late. Something hot skimmed past JJ’s right ear, paired with a deafening blast. She clutched her ear, blistering pain causing her to crumple to the floor.
Emily had watched the Unsub fire in Morgan’s direction from the doorway right behind JJ. His shot missed wildly though, and Emily tackled him to the ground, kicking his gun away from his hand. Emily looked around wildly and found JJ on the ground.
“Is she OK? Morgan!” Emily called from her position pinning the Unsub, handcuffing him quickly.
“JJ, can you hear me? Are you hurt?” Morgan asked the blonde urgently, repeating himself when she looked blankly at him.
Emily passed the Unsub off to a Deputy, before rushing to JJ who was still staring open mouthed at Morgan. Emily prised JJ’s hand off her head, checking and finding no blood or other flesh wound. On the basis of JJ’s panicked look, Emily tried a different tactic. She took one of JJ’s hands, using the other to tap her own ear, before slowly and silently mouthing “CAN YOU HEAR?”
JJ shook her head, wincing with pain.
“How far away are the medics?” Emily asked the room at large. She wrapped an arm around JJ, who had started shaking. Emily sat resolutely, holding her tight until the paramedics arrived to check her out.
Once JJ was loaded into an ambulance, Emily climbed into the passenger seat of an SUV with Morgan in the Driver’s seat. “I’m going to call Will. Are you OK to drive to the hospital?”
“Yeah, go ahead.” Morgan answered quickly, pulling onto the main road. Emily dialled Will’s number.
“Emily? What’s happened to JJ?”
“She’s alive and conscious, but something has happened to her ear, the UnSub fired his gun right next to her head. She’s in an ambulance on her way to getting checked out now, they’re taking her to St. Joseph’s. How quickly do you think you can get there?”
“Thank god. Thank god. When I saw your caller ID, you know, I thought she was dead. Thank god. It’s going to be at least a couple of hours with traffic, but will you let her know I’m on my way please?”
“Of course. See you soon.”
Once Emily and Morgan arrived at the hospital, they were shown to a waiting area by a particularly unhelpful nurse who looked at their FBI credentials and directed them to sit back down and wait. The same nurse was back, however, not 3 minutes later, eating humble pie.
“Is one of you able to accompany me?” He asked. “Agent Jareau is resisting treatment, and we really don’t want to sedate her if we can help it.” Emily volunteered quickly.
She entered JJ’s cubicle, finding the blonde fully entranced in a panic attack. Emily slowly moved to place herself in JJ’s direct line of sight as she used the hospital blanket covering JJ’s legs to apply light pressure, waiting out the acute panic symptoms. When JJ was finally able to hold Emily’s gaze, Emily asked loudly and clearly “Can you hear anything?”
“A bit in this ear.” JJ answered tearfully, gesturing to the left side of her head. “But I’m deaf in this ear. I can’t hear anything.” She said, her tears spilling over.
“You’re ok. Will is on his way. Can I hold your hand? Just until Will gets here? While these guys do their thing.” Emily gestured at the bay full of medical staff, and JJ nodded her consent, closing her eyes as someone pulled her hair back gently to look into her ear with a scope. Her hand clutched tightly against Emily’s.
---
“Where is she?” Will asked urgently, rushing into the waiting area.
“They took her upstairs for some tests a while ago, they said they would tell us when she was back in the cubicle. She’s lost hearing in her right ear.” Emily replied.
“How is she?”
“She’ll be alright. She had a panic attack while she was being treated before, but she calmed down eventually, enough to tell me she could hear a little out of her left ear.”
“How did this happen? I-” Will was cut off by the appearance of a nurse at the waiting room door.
“Agent Jareau is back in the cubicle. They just want to wait until the results come through from that last test but they think she’ll be discharged and won’t need to stay overnight. Are you her next of kin?” He asked Will.
“Yeah, I’m her husband. Can you take me to her please?”
“Of course, this way.”
Will got up to follow the nurse, thanking Emily and Derek for staying with JJ. “I got her now. Thank you again.”
“If it’s alright, I’ll stay until they confirm she can definitely be discharged.” Emily said. Will replied with a small nod, following the nurse out of the room.
“She’s got some hearing on the left side, but nothing in the right. They think it is likely temporary, but won’t know more until the test results come back. She can understand you if you speak loudly and slowly.” The nurse informed Will as they walked. Will just nodded, steeling himself for the state his wife was likely to be in.
“Hey babe. I’m sorry it took so long for me to get here.” Will said, loudly and slowly as instructed.
“I’m deaf, not stupid.” JJ muttered with a scowl, shrinking away from Will, her head turning to face the drawn curtain. JJ shrugged her hand from his. She couldn’t explain the coldness of her behaviour, even to herself. The urge to put distance between herself and Will was unstoppable though, almost magnetic.
“You’re not deaf, Jayje. They said it’s probably temporary.” Will said stoically, keeping his speech loud but returning to a normal speed. He tried not to let JJ’s cold demeanour affect him.
“They said I would probably be discharged tonight.” JJ said flatly. “But the boys shouldn’t see me like this.”
“They’re old enough to understand that sometimes in our jobs we get injured, you know. But do you want me to see if they can go sleep over at one of their friend’s houses?”
“We’re not ripping our boys from their home just because I was shit enough at my job to almost get shot.”
“That’s – Jesus – JJ, that’s not what I said OK? And this has nothing to do with how good you are at your job. We get injured in these jobs. We’ve both been shot before, you know this. What’s going on with you babe? Let me in, I can help. I love you.”
“You weren’t there so you can’t comment.” JJ said flatly. “Will, I just can’t right now, can you please just take care of the boys and I’ll sort myself out, I’ll get a hotel room or something. I just need to be alone.” JJ pleaded tearfully, barely holding herself together. Her mind felt hot, full, and unwieldy. Her head still pounded from the pain of the gunshot, though the pain in her ear was now dull. She couldn’t stand being the focus of anyone’s attention, but Will’s especially. Her whole being was focused on needing her own space and time.
“You shouldn’t be alone right now JJ, you just got injured, you were already having a rough time of it. Please, please just let me in, let me help.” Will pleaded.
“Please just fuck off Will, I can’t stand it right now. Stop smothering me. Go away. Please. PLEASE.” JJ yelled, before turning, balling herself up while crying in earnest.
Will turned, utterly defeated. He wiped his tears on the back of his hand as he returned shakily to the waiting room. He wasn’t sure what to tell Emily and Morgan until the words were out of his mouth. “She told me to fuck off, she doesn’t want to be around me or the boys.” He broke down at the last word. “I don’t know what to do, I don’t know who she is at the moment.” He paused, breathing shakily.
“Will, my god-” Emily started sympathetically, standing and reaching out a hand to Will’s shoulder.
“I need to be there for the boys. They deserve at least one present parent.” Will said with certainty, starting to regain his composure. “I can’t deal with her right now, she needs to sort her shit out, and she won’t let me help.” He added, anger seeping into his words.
“I’ll try and talk to her. I’m sure it’s just the shock of what happened. But you’re right about the boys, and in her right mind I know JJ would agree with you that they deserve at least one of you to be a stable baseline for them right now. How can I help?” Emily asked, concern etched across her face.
“She said she was going to get a hotel room, but she shouldn’t be alone when she’s just been injured. Can you please make sure she’s physically safe, and stay with her? I’ll try again with her tomorrow once the boys are at school.”
“Of course. Anything I can do. Leave her with us.” Emily said softly, getting up to slip past Will, patting him awkwardly on the shoulder as she went down the hallway to JJ. When she entered, JJ looked around sheepishly.
“I thought you were Will coming back.”
“No, he left to get the boys.”
“He’s a good dad. I’m. God. I don’t know what I am at the moment. I was so out of line Emily. Who am I?”
“You’re injured, and I’m going to be honest JJ, I think you’re really fucking depressed. You’re not about to go home alone to some hotel when you get discharged, in the physical and mental state you’re in.” Emily said firmly, watching JJ resign herself to Emily’s insistence. “You’re coming home with me. You can sleep, and tomorrow we will talk, or I will take you to someone you can talk to, and you will make a plan, because you are too loved to throw it all away like this.”
---
“Shorts or sweatpants?” Emily asked, digging through a draw of clothes in her spare room. She turned when she didn’t get a response to see a reclined JJ staring blankly at the ceiling. “Sweatpants.” Emily said to herself, as she pulled a nondescript grey pair out for JJ. Walking into her line of vision meant coming close to JJ, and Emily was very aware of being in JJ’s personal space, the smallest of thrills even given the dire circumstances that had caused it. It was moments, feelings, like this, that reminded Emily her not-really-feelings were realities, inescapable as they were inconvenient.
“Thanks.” JJ said flatly, accepting the sweatpants from Emily and sitting up to swing her legs off the bed. Her toes brushed the loose fabric of Emily’s wide-legged trousers.
“Uh – I’ll wait outside. Let me know if you need a hand.” Emily said awkwardly, trying as ever to temper the feelings that even now she was sure were transparent on her face.
“No thanks.” JJ said, sighing.
“Sorry?”
“Not hungry.”
“I just said I would wait outside.” Emily said, louder as she stood closer to the door now.
“Oh.” JJ said, a small flush creeping up from the collar of her shirt. It was almost imperceptible, but Emily who had spent hours subtly taking in every aspect of the blonde in quiet moments, conversations on the jet, just sitting at their desks, noticed it. She waited outside while JJ changed, and once the rustling of clothes quieted, she tentatively re-entered the room. JJ sat on the edge of the bed in Emily’s sweatpants and Yale top shaking with silent sobs, her arms wrapped around her own torso as if trying to contain her emotions with her arms alone.
“Jen. Come here.” Emily sank onto the bed next to JJ and pulled her into her arms. The thrills and feelings that had been so present moments earlier had evaporated, Emily wholly focussed on what she could do to soothe the broken woman she cradled.