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Her heart is kind of a mess because it's beating so fast like a hummingbird flapping its wings or the thrum of a car engine. Practically vibrating with fury.
She can barely keep herself upright on her tracks without shaking. She wants to claw and scratch out of this body but she has no arms and definitely no hands to accompany them.
Coiny's in front of her and at this point he's repeating himself. He'd said all this junk already. No she's not in the wrong not like he says. She'll ride this train until it chugs straight off the cliff.
She only has to keep up her smile keep up appearances get the voters to like her so she can stay in without resorting to stuff like like like leaving him on that ledge.
UGH he doesn't get that she's just doing it for the game too and she hates that he's being such a hypocrite.
Scolding her for betraying him when she HAD to just to stay in?
Planning to get her out like this?
Coiny really doesn't know what it's like to be hated by everyone.
He doesn't understand her or what she wants or what she needs. She throws excuse after excuse at him like the knives he'd fired earlier.
Meanwhile he's rambling on, saying things she refuses to accept. She'd rather throw up than agree with him. Throwing up actually sounds like the best thing she could do right now.
Her stomach is sick and her breath is brittle her body can't handle this level of stress of fear of rage of just just wanting to be understood AUGH why does no one ever give her a chance?!
Everything spins and now they're careening toward the Earth and she's caught on fire and they're face to face while he's ramming a literal spaceship into her body. And she knows this is him paying her back for what she did she knows their friendship is beyond repair.
But there's only one thing she can do about it.
She screams and screams and screams until her throat feels like it's catching on fire too.
She fists the iron bars.
"But I'm not who you think I am!"
They stare at her, unblinking.
"How do you know
what we think?"
It's all in the little things he says. Passing references that leave everyone confused. Remarks that he sees as genuine praise but leave her hurt and upset.
Once, when her team used dishonest tactics during a challenge and she objected, he told her, "You just like to win!"
As if that was just her nature. As if he'd accepted that was just the way she was.
Coiny doesn't get it. He sees the things he says as friendly. Fine. All fun and games.
Pin doesn't know how to tell him.
It's like there will always be this wall standing between them.
Stopping her from telling him how she just wants to move on.
Keeping them miles apart even though he's only ever a walk away.
He's not over it.
She's not over it.
So even if they've "made up," are they ever really going to be okay?
Or is he going to give up on her and leave her
alone
alone
ALONE
Pin jolted awake, heart thundering.
Coiny's room was pitch-black. Silent except for the sounds of her frantic breathing and Coiny's soft snoring.
Another stupid nightmare. She should be over this by now.
She fumbled in the darkness for the spray bottle on the nightstand. Pointed the nozzle at her face and pulled the trigger until her knuckles turned white.
I'm awake. I'm here. The cool mist mixed with her tears, carrying them away.
Coiny and I are together now, she reminded herself, setting the spray bottle back on the table. I'm not alone. He won't leave.
As she wiped her face dry with the back of her hand, she looked over at him.
He was sound asleep. Oblivious to the restless thoughts that plagued her mind.
Pin wished she could share that peace with him. Wished she could block out all those nagging memories or find some joke in everything. How did Coiny manage to do that, anyway?
She glanced down and realized she'd laced her fingers with Coiny's without noticing. She gave his hand a light squeeze, as if testing whether he was real. It lay limp in her own. Unmoving, but warm. Grounding for a second.
Pin managed a few more shuddering exhales before her throat tightened again. Her free hand flew up to her mouth, and she gasped quietly for air.
Coiny's right next to me, and I'm safe, she tried to reassure herself.
But her mind couldn't shake the feeling that she would never feel truly safe with him. That their past would always put them at odds, that no amount of freeze juice could strengthen the thin ice that formed beneath them when they were around each other.
Her lip trembled, green ooze pooling between their hands. She needed to calm down. She needed to snap out of that dream because that wasn't them anymore.
They trusted each other, right? They trusted each other. Right? They trusted each other!
Her hand slipped from her mouth and lurched for the spray bottle. She couldn't breathe like this.
She
couldn't
breathe.
The water hit her face again and again. She couldn't stop. Wouldn't stop. She shuddered from the cold but kept spraying anyway, like the water could wash away all her mistakes.
She used to be a selfish, heartless narcissist back then. A nightmare to live as, and a nightmare to remember.
Another spray.
It pained her how confidently wrong she'd been in the past. Her arrogance had blinded her—people had screamed and run for their lives at the sight of her, and she'd never even batted an eye.
Several blasts to the face.
Maybe it was just easier not to feel back then.
Maybe it was easier, after losing everything, to choose to put up those walls and focus on beating everyone else to feel better about herself.
And it worked, and cork was the high addictive, but she took Coiny for granted and lost him—
Pin's chest seized, and finally she threw the spray bottle to the floor. It thudded with a snap that told her it would leak until the rest of the water dripped through the ceiling downstairs.
A trembling sigh escaped Pin's lips, eyes burning with tears she could barely hold back. Her hand stayed clasped in Coiny's.
Cork, she didn't deserve him.
Nothing she ever did would make her worthy of his patience and love.
She released his hand, turned, and buried her face into the pillow beneath her to muffle her pathetic wails.
Why can't I ever be good enough for him?
She gagged from the force it took to cry, nauseous with guilt. She didn't want to throw up—she had enough control not to.
A stirring beside her.
She froze.
This was the worst time Coiny could choose to wake up.
Her pillowcase was soaked through with tears. Her body was coated in a sheen of ooze. There was some on his hand, too—no, no. The evidence was everywhere.
"Ugh... you good, hon?"
She didn't trust her voice, so she quickly shook her head into the pillow, trying to hide her whimpers.
It's a lose-lose, Pin.
If she told him she'd had a nightmare—or even just tilted her head up and let him see the wet streaks beneath her eyes—she'd be admitting weakness. Admitting she'd never gotten over what they'd been through. Yeah, he'd comfort her, but what if he got tired of that? What if he got tired of her?
Even so... if she kept quiet about it, she'd be denying herself his comfort.
And she needed that most right now.
A quiet sob burst out.
Relying on someone else was risky. Even after everything, she didn't want to need anyone.
But right now, Coiny was all she needed.
"Hey... c'mon... you can tell me anything," he murmured, his voice warm, drowsy. His hand caressed her cheek, and she couldn't stop herself from turning her face to him.
Coiny was right. If there was anyone she could trust, it was him. He really did understand when she was hurting. And even if there were things he missed sometimes, he wanted to know about them. He wouldn't let her suffer in silence like this if he could help it.
"I—I don't want to pretend..." Pin's breath trembled as his thumb stroked under her eye, wiping the wetness away. His tender gaze stayed fixed on her, so, so patient.
Her arms wrapped around him first, holding him close to her chest.
"I know. I want you to be real with me, too," he whispered, gently kissing her cheek. His lips were warm, a balm to her cold plastic casing.
She weakly smiled at him, sniffling. The first words that came to mind:
"After everything, you still care for me."
She closed her eyes, pausing to catch her breath. "You wait for me, you comfort me, you... make me feel heard. But why?"
Coiny was silent for a moment, like he couldn't believe she would ask that. As if the reason he loved her was so obvious to him that he found it difficult to picture her not seeing it.
"Because you try," he said. "Even when things get hard, even when it seems like everything is against you, you push through it and come back stronger than before."
... Oh.
As he pulled away from the hug, rambling about how she'd inspired him to toughen up, Pin gulped. She got the feeling that he was thinking of how she acted in BFDIA again.
Was that really who he stayed for? The mask she used to wear?
Then she let out a nervous chuckle. He probably didn't mean to, and she was just being paranoid—
"Oh, no." His face had fallen, eyes studying hers. "I said something wrong, didn't I?"
Her fake smile crumbled. Pretending to be someone she wasn't was too exhausting for her own good, and she should know that by now.
Coiny pressed a hand to his forehead, staring at the sheets. "I'm sorry, I didn't—"
"You said you wanted the truth, right?"
He blinked at her, a little startled. "Yeah, of course."
As she took a deep breath, Pin clasped his hand in both of hers.
He has to know, she thought. Coiny understood when she was hurting and how to comfort her then, but it was up to her to show him who she really was, now that she knew for herself.
"Coiny... the person I used to be in BFDIA..."
Violent, ruthless, uncaring, she thought, swallowing.
"That's not me anymore. That was never the real me."
She felt his hand lock up, and her throat went dry.
"Huh? What do you mean?" he asked, like her words were a genuine surprise to hear. The fact he'd been keeping the wrong version of her in his mind for years threatened to tear her apart.
But now, she had to set things straight. Even if it shattered his trust in her for good.
That was the right thing to do.
"When I lost my face, my limbs, and my size," Pin started shakily, "I felt hurt. I felt small a-and helpless."
Coiny nodded, curling his fingers into hers. "Like anyone would. That's why I stood up for you."
She bit her cheek. "I know, and I really appreciate that." Her hands loosened and clung to his again. "But when that happened, I felt like I had to get back at them and show them that I wasn't their plaything.”
Pin's lip quivered between sentences. “I made myself strong. I acted like I didn't care what... Fries or Ruby or anyone else thought of me. I pushed myself to be the very best."
Memories flooded back. Everything was a savage blur since the day she vowed revenge on FreeSmart.
Rocket boosters. Thieves. Electrocution. Fistfights.
And worst of all: Deserting him.
Her voice broke, her hands clenching tight around his again.
"But Coiny, I need you to understand that that's not who I really am."
Her body slumped like a tired flower, and his eyes went wide, dark, as if truly seeing her for the first time. Her breath faltered under the weight of his attention.
"Pin," Coiny breathed. "I thought that was just... the way you were. But it's not?"
She swallowed hard. "No, it isn't."
A painful silence stretched between them. His lips were parted, like he wanted to say something but wasn't sure where to start.
"I get it if you want to break up with me," Pin blurted, screwing her eyes shut, not wanting to watch his face. "Like, this isn't exactly what you signed up for, so... I'd understand."
"I don't want to break up with you." He sounded hurt she'd even suggested that.
"Cork—okay!" she cried, practically crushing his hand between hers. Her breath quickened, thinning each second until she was dizzy with anxiety. She'd said too much and now he was going to get so—
"Wait, I'm not mad at you. Look at me." His free hand stroked down her shoulder.
Her face freshly hot with humiliation, she opened her eyes. Lying in front of her was Coiny, gazing at her with all the concern and tenderness she didn't think she'd earned.
"I'm sorry, Pin." His eyes glazed over, like he'd just realized the weight of his words on her. "What I said about you only caring about winning... I was wrong. And you must have felt so upset."
Her thoughts flitted back to that dreaded conversation, and a twinge of fear coursed through her ribs.
"Y-yeah," she managed, pushing the memory away. "I was." Her body crumpled into the sheets at his validation, like she'd been holding herself up with nothing but popsicle sticks.
Coiny's free hand slid up her arm to her shoulder. "Thank you," he murmured, touching his forehead to hers. "For telling me."
His warmth spread through her, blooming in her cheeks right as their legs intertwined.
For the first time in too long, she felt like he saw all of her. Like the future they'd build together would be completely safe for them to be themselves.
And peaceful.
Like the sound of water running through a creek.
Like waking up on a snowy morning.
Like hot chocolate and cuddles by the fireplace.
Just... let yourself have this.
Pin let out a shaky breath, her grip loosening bit by bit, and nodded against him.
Coiny's hand soothingly stroked her side. "You know I still love you, right? Nothing's gonna change what we went through together, or the memories we've made."
She blinked quickly at him, tugging their hands to her chest. "You really mean that?"
Even in the darkness of his room, he couldn't hide the warmth that flushed his cheeks. "Yeah, obviously. You care for everyone, you stand up for what's right... you're beautiful. What's not to love about you?"
Coiny ran his knuckles over her cheek, grinning, and now she couldn't stop herself from blushing, either. She always felt small compared to the enormity of his love.
"Th-thanks, but... I'm not perfect."
He chuckled. "Still love you. All of you. Even the parts I don't know yet."
Small, but safe.
Pin let go of his hand and wrapped her arms around him, finally feeling secure as he pulled her closer.
"I'm so glad I have you," she mumbled into his shoulder.
Coiny didn't say anything more, but she felt his lips widen against her temple in a smile.
She treasured that feeling as they fell asleep together.