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Every couple fights, it’s one of those inevitable things life throws at you. No two people can agree about everything or see everything from everyone’s perspective. It’s a fact of life.
But goddammit is it miserable for everyone around Heavy and Medic when they’re fighting. These disagreements were very few and very far between but when they happen it’s usually due to a language barrier or Medic’s well being. Of course the team would usually keep out of this, no sense interfering in a lover’s tiff… however this fight was dragging morale down and making it really awkward in the base.
“We are in week two of this and we have been on a losing streak because you two refuse to get it together,” Spy said pacing the smoking room where he sat down Medic with Sniper guarding the door beside the couch, “so for the love of god why are you and the Heavy fighting about this time?”
Medic huffed and crossed both his arms and legs as he sank into the couch.
“Bushman and I have ways of making you talk, doctuer. Either spill or we strangle it out of you.”
“It’s stupid,” Medic admitted.
“Glad we agree on something,” Sniper piped up.
“Shut up, bushman,” Spy immediately interrupted, “Medic. Tell us.”
“… I don’t want to always be little spoon.”
“What-“
————
“-the fuck do you mean,” Demo shouted, his voice echoing through the walls of Engineer’s lab.
“Heavy is feeling is safer if Doctor is always little spoon, it is safer so Heavy will not crush him in sleep,” Heavy explained, “but Doctor is being stubborn.”
“Well so are you, big guy,” Engie pointed out, “this has been your longest disagreement and it’s all about what you two do in bed.”
“Is not. Doctor and Heavy agree we take turns-“
“YOU TAKE TURNS IN BED BUT NOT WHEN YOU SLEEP,” Demo shouted incredulously.
———-
“Too much information,” Sniper groaned.
“Well you two asked and you two received,” Medic pointed out, “but the sexual aspect of our relationship is still very satisfying. It’s just I want my partner from behind. It’s all I ask.”
Spy put his head in his hands. This is so stupid. He can’t remember if he and Scout’s mother ever had fights this stupid.
“So you’ve been giving him the silent treatment for two weeks… OVER CUDDLING PREFERENCES!?”
“(I WANT TO GRAB HEAVY’S LOVE HANDLES FROM BEHIND AND BITE AT HIS SHOULDERS),” Medic shouted in his native tongue, “(I WANT TO REACH AROUND SQUEEZE HIM! EVERY DAY I WORK WITH THIS MAN FROM BEHIND AND IM THINKING OF THREE THINGS! IF SCOUT CALLS ME OVER A MINOR INJURY ILL KILL HIM, HEAVY HAS A NICE ASS, I WANT TO GRAB THAT MAN!)”
“What’s the doc sayin-“
“You don’t want to know,” Spy grimaced.
———————-
“Heavy, you can’t keep torturing yourself with this,” Engineer groaned, “So you’ve missed a couple of spies. We’ve all been there, them snakes are too good at their jobs.”
“Is one time Heavy gets to be behind doctor for change. I keep track of each stab wound and I make sure there are no more. But when one is fading one more appears. Is making me feel I must be behind to make sure all disappears.”
“Lad. Just let the man spoon you.”
“Nyet.”
“Heavy, be the bigger person-“
“Am already big person,” Heavy cuts Engineer off.
“Be more mature and just let him be behind ya. It’s been two weeks, you’re both miserable without each other, and he’s behind you most of the time anyways.”
the workshop door opened and Scout popped his head in.
“Did you fix the problem yet?”
“No. Get out,” Demo waved Scout off.
“Uuuuugh! I just want them to get back to being gross and kissing at least then we’re winning!”
“Scout! Vamoose! Out! Git,” Engineer pointed to the door.
The door slammed.
“… Everyone is worried about Heavy and Doctor… if Heavy is honest I am also being worried about Doctor.”
—————
“Mmmm Hmmmm Hm Mmmm. Phmmm mmm hmmm! HM! Mmmmhm mhm mm?”
“Pyro that is very kind to say but we told you to wait outside.”
Medic sighed.
“I miss him,” the doctor leaned his head back, “I hate fighting but he’s just… oh I just…”
“Medic are you crying?”
“I want to not fight anymore but I want to be big spoon! I miss him! I miss ripping open my Kuschelbär and being inside him.”
“Hm,” Pyro giggled briefly.
“Oh god I want to be inside that man and love him.”
“Medic. Phrasing,” Sniper warned.
“Just want to be so deep inside him and rearrange his guts…”
“Medic please,” Spy begged.
The door slammed off its hinges to reveal Heavy, panting, worried.
“Doctor.”
Medic’s head raised to reveal tears, his glasses askew ever so slightly.
“Heavy…”
No words were exchanged past that as Heavy carried his lover out of the room.
Safe to say the two made up and the next morning everything was as it should be. The rest of the team patted themselves on the back with Soldier crediting the resolution to the magic of living in America.