Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

September 2022

It’s hot. It’s September and Leon is sweating through his shirt. It’s yet another thing that’s irritating him. He shouldn't be here. Well, he should still be in Rome, but not here. This little piazza in Trastevere, not far off from touristy streets. It’s honestly sort of a refreshing surprise, this place. Not far off from streets filled with tourists, it’s actually quite calm around here. 

Leon looks between his phone and the café-bar that he’s standing in front of. Despite double checking with the secretary and vigorous scouting of the place beforehand, he still isn’t sure he’s at the right place. There are a couple of tables outside, the cheap kind, made out of white plastic, that seems to be obligatory in Italy. Only one of the tables is occupied. A tourist couple, betraying themselves with their huge sunglasses and  map of the streets of Rome lain out between them. Otherwise, the café is empty. The whole piazza almost seems abandoned. Well, except for a single bench, far on the other side of the piazza, where the almost obligatory group of nonnas are sitting, chatting away.

I shouldn’t be surprising. It’s 12:30 pm, most locals have already gotten their morning coffee and will only be back after their siesta. Maybe that’s why the Cardinal chose this place. It’s quiet at this time. 

But still. Leon would have expected something more. Meeting in a church, somewhere in the Vatican. Maybe even in the gardens, where visitors are only rarely allowed. That way, he would have at least gotten something good out of this whole thing. 

In all honesty, he’s still a bit mad about this whole thing. Five years of studying journalism, never a week off, because he always used his vacation times to do internships. Two years of unpaid work for ZEIT to finally get his foot in the door. Countless sleepless nights of writing, researching and calling sources, building up his reputation to finally get a shot at something good, something better. He had wanted this job in Rome so badly, not even necessarily because of the city, but mainly because of the politics. The elections in Italy are right around the corner and this could have been his chance to prove himself. To do big work and make a name for himself. But no. The position went to someone else, someone with more experience. While Leon got sidelined to report from the vatican. The fucking vatican. As if anyone truly still cares about that. Who even is still in the church at this point?

Take it as the opportunity it is, Nagelsmann had told him. Right now, Tony simply is the better choice for Rome, but if you do a good job with the Vatican, nothing speaks against you taking his place one day. And really, Leon knows he’s right. He knows Tony, already worked with him. Contrary to Leon, he’s fluent in Italian, and has already worked in Rome. He’s got connections that Leon doesn’t have. Really, Leon should be thankful to Nagelsmann for putting him here anyways. Two or three years in the Vatican are plenty of time to learn Italian, to meet the right people, to build a reputation and connections that will make sure he can replace Tony when the time comes. 

He just wishes the time was right now. Italy is in political turmoil and who knows how long that will last. Meanwhile, Leon is stuck with the Vatican, where the only scandalous thing that happened as of recently was a new Cardinal being named. Scandalous, because he’s young. Extremely young, as Leon learned during his quick google search after Nagelsmann put him on the topic. 

While most cardinals are at the ripe age of 60 or 70 when they’re named, Cardinal Kimmich is just as old as Leon: 27.

He takes out his phone again, where he switches from his last google search how to address a cardinal to the Wikipedia article of Cardinal Kimmich, just to put a face to the name again. Blondish hair, blue eyes, and the whole priest outfit. Should be easy enough to spot when he gets here.

Leon goes towards one of the tables to sit down, checks if his phone has enough battery to record the conversation and switches back to the how to address a cardinal tab. Just to be sure. Your Eminence is apparently the right way to address a cardinal. Which isn’t only weird because Leon has never addressed anyone like that, but also because Cardinal Kimmich is even younger than him. Sure only by two days, but still. 

Apparently, he’s also supposed to kiss Cardinal Kimmich’s ring, and slash or he should bow down before him. It’s ridiculous and antiquated like everything is with the catholic church. 

Leon takes a deep breath trying to calm himself down. No use getting upset about this whole thing again. He needs to play his part, assimilate himself in this culture. Otherwise he’s going to get nowhere with this cardinal and that in turn would mean that he would get nowhere with his career in general. So he really needs to get a grip on himself. 

“Your Eminence,” he whispers to himself. It sounds weird. “Good afternoon Your Eminence,” he tries again. Is 12:30 even already considered the afternoon? 

“Leon Goretzka?” A voice interrupts his practice just as Leon is about to try the whole Most Eminent Cardinal thing, which seems even more ridiculous than Your Eminence. He’s so startled he almost lets his phone drop. 

Only to actually drop it when he turns around and recognizes the person standing right in front of him. Cardinal Kimmich looks a lot different from his pictures. Sure, his face, his eyes, the hair, it’s all the same. But in real life, he just seems so much more lively. There’s a certain spark in his eyes when he smiles at Leon, a hint of youth, different from his severe looks that Leon knows from his pictures online. And the clothes… Maybe Leon shouldn’t be so surprised that Joshua isn’t wearing priestly garbs. But really, how should he know better? The last time he actually interacted with the catholic church was when he was a child and went to the first communion of some cousin twice removed. 

Maybe it makes sense for Kimmich not to wear church robes. Truthfully, Leon doesn’t really know when Cardinals wear their robes and when not and if they have any dress code. But Cardinal Kimmich, who’s still standing in front of Leon, waiting for an answer, is dressed like a normal person. Truthfully, a bit more proper than most people, with pressed trousers and a white button down shirt, but still, he doesn’t look like a cleric. 

The sleeves of his shirt are rolled up loosely, presumably because of the heat, and the first button is undone so that the silver chain hanging from Cardinal Kimmichs neck can be seen. On it hangs a simple silver cross, which looks more like a fashion statement. One might just as well mistake the cardinal for just any other random 27-year-old. Someone studying business administration or working as a barista. If it weren’t for the red zucchetto, the only thing that’s telling of his profession. It suits him well, is what Leon thinks, just for a second, before he gets a grip on himself. It’s a stupid thought after all.

“Uhm, hi,” he finally manages, cursing himself for this inappropriate response. He quickly gets up, thinks about doing the kissing the ring move, only to realise that he doesn’t know which hand the ring usually is on. In the end, he just takes a deep bow in front of the Cardinal, mumbling a quick Your Eminence , in fear of reaching for the wrong hand. 

When he gets back up, Cardinal Kimmich is smiling awkwardly at him, cheeks sort of red. 

“Sorry, I’m not a fan of the whole bowing and kissing the ring thing.” 

“Uhm okay,” Leon answers, still a bit… nervous? Yes. That’s what it is. He’s done many interviews over the course of his career, but Cardinal Kimmich seems like a big thing. Bigger than the regular CEO or something. Despite his unremarkable outfit, the awkward rejection of the bow, there’s something to Cardinal Kimmich that Leon hasn’t seen in a person before. A certain sense of calm, of determination that doesn’t need words to impress. 

And impressed, Leon is. For some reason. Despite Cardinal Kimmich being half a head shorter than Leon. 

“Uhm, should we get some coffee?” He asks, to fill the silence, cursing himself for starting off a sentence with an uhm again. For some reason, he doesn’t feel like Cardinal Kimmich is the type of person that appreciates people talking like that. Why exactly Leon, a known critic of the catholic church cares what Cardinal Kimmich thinks of him, he’s not so sure. 

“Don’t you want to pick up your phone first?” Cardinal Kimmich asks, with a bemused tone, nodding to the phone that’s still on the ground after Leon’s accident. “I don’t know how long it will stay there once we go inside to order.” 

“Uhm, yeah, sure,” Leon quickly answers, cringing again. Thankfully, the screen doesn’t seem to be broken, and the phone still works, which is good, because really, Leon depends on this phone to record the whole interview. He didn’t even bring a pen, which, in hindsight, was probably a beginner's mistake. That’s exactly why Tony is out there interviewing Giorgia Meloni and Leon is interviewing Cardinals that, in this day and age, only people older than 70 care about. 

The next cringeworthy moment arrives when they order their coffee inside the bar. Yes, Leon knows that his Italian needs a lot of work. But he can order a coffee, alright? It’s not that hard. What was he supposed to know that the barista would answer his Uno cappuccino por favor with some question in Italian, that Leon doesn’t know how to answer. The, by now familiar, Uhm makes a quick comeback before Cardinal Kimmich jumps in.

“Da bere qui, per favore. Vorrei un caffè. Grazie mille!”

What follows after that are a couple of rapidly exchanged Italian sentences, by the end of which Cardinal Kimmich  has apparently paid for both coffees with card before Leon could even protest. 

“That’s not how it works,” he complains, as they make their way back to the tables to wait for their drinks. “You make the time for me, I pay for your drinks and food. I can even put it towards my expenses.” 

Cardinal Kimmich doesn’t dignify his complaints with an answer. Instead, he decides that it is apparently now time to ask Leon some questions. Read: Roast him. 

“You haven’t been here for long, have you?” 

“No, just arrived here last week,” Leon admits. “What gave it away?”

Cardinal Kimmich raises an eyebrow. “Where do you want me to start?” 

“Uhm…” Leon answers, a bit helpless, not sure how he got in this situation, where Cardinal Kimmich is the one questioning him. It should be the other way around. He should be the one driving Cardinal Kimmich into a corner with his question, trying to get out his deepest secrets or something. Instead, he’s getting roasted by a fucking priest. Correction: By a fucking cardinal. 

“Your Italian is very bad. You need to work on that.” 

“Sorry?” Leon asks. “I can order a coffee just fine, it’s just when they ask me more questions that I panic.” 

“Sure…” Cardinal Kimmich answers, drawing out the u. “Your coffee order was partly in the wrong conjugation and partly in Spanish.” 

Leon feels his ears getting hot. He’s been ordering his coffee just like that the last couple of days without anyone ever correcting him. Embarrassing. And while Cardinal Kimmich is kind of putting salt on a wound here, he’s doing it in a nice way. Sure, he’s firm, but there is a little smile playing around his lips, as though he’s reminding Leon not to take this criticism too hard. 

“Alright, and what else?”

“You ordered a cappuccino.” 

“What’s wrong with a cappuccino?” 

Cardinal Kimmich sighs, a bit dramatically, almost. “Italians are purists. They avoid drinking coffee with milk after noon. They believe the milk slows down the digestion.” 

“Huh,” Leon just answers, a bit surprised. That kind of explains the weird looks he’s been getting the last couple of days, whenever he got himself a Latte at the café next to the studio after work. 

“So you’re just getting an espresso?” 

Cardinal Kimmich nods. “Exactly.” 

At that moment, the barista arrives at the table to hand them their drinks, effectively ending the conversation on that topic. Which is good, because while it was sort of a nice ice breaker, Leon is supposed to be the one to ask questions. 

“Do you mind if I record our conversation on the phone?” 

Cardinal Kimmich shakes his head. “Not at all, that’s why we’re here.” 

Gingerly, Leon puts his phone on the table and presses record. 

“So… Your Eminence.” The words feel more natural on his tongue this time around, maybe it’s just a question of practice. “You’re the youngest cardinal in history. How did that happen?” 

“In recent history,” Cardinal Kimmich corrects him with a smile. 

“Excuse me?” 

“I’m the youngest cardinal to be named in recent history. There have been plenty of cardinals that were younger than me, if we just go back in time far enough.” The smile is still there, making the sting of being wrong and unprepared hurt just a little less.

“Okay,” Leon laughs a bit awkwardly. “So I guess that also answers my question of whether you’re planning on becoming the youngest pope ever.”

“That question.” Cardinal Kimmich just says. 

“What?”

“You asked how it was obvious that you were new to Rome, right?” The smile is gone now. “This question. That would be a big clue. Didn’t you get a briefing?” 

Leon shakes his head. No. He did not get a briefing. Because, in all honesty, he’s more or less on his own here in Rome. The people in the studio don’t care about the Vatican, not with the Italian elections right around the corner. That whole interview was just Leon’s idea because he would have gone mad out of boredom otherwise. He had contacted Cardinal Kimmichs secretary himself and had read up all he could about him, but nobody at the studio had bothered to fill him in on the rules of etiquette and now he’s apparently making a fool of himself. He’s suddenly feeling very small. 

Cardinal Kimmich seems to feel Leon’s uncertainty, because all of a sudden, his smile is back. 

“Don’t worry about it. I’ll tell you now.” It should sound condescending, but for some reason, it doesn’t. 

“It’s actually really not a lot. The whole Your Eminence thing… Well, it’s good to know with most cardinals, though I don’t really care for it. Sure, should you ever meet Pope Francis, I suggest you read up on it again. But otherwise there’s really just one big rule you should always follow.” He pauses, making Leon all the more eager to know. 

“You should never, ever ask a cardinal if he plans on becoming a pope.”

“Why not?” Leon asks, a bit astounded. Isn’t that the only logical step up from being a cardinal? He’d ask the same question to a high ranking politician. Well, not if he wanted to become pope, but if he had aspirations to become chancellor or something. And that’s just about the equivalent thing, right? Sure, usually, a politician won’t give an answer to that question either, but it‘s always worth a shot. 

“Because there’s no right answer to that question.” Cardinal Kimmich explains simply. “Being pope is one of the highest honors one could aspire for on this earth, but at the same time, a cardinal should never plan on becoming pope. He should not aspire to have power, to rule. He should aspire to serve.” 

Leon nods. He understands it, which in itself is fascinating, because he would have never guessed to be so impressed by such simple words. It’s probably something cardinals say all the time. Something which Leon would know, if he had ever engaged with the catholic church on more than just the superficial level. 

“Do you aspire to serve?” He follows up, carefully, still a bit unsure if he is within his rights to ask that question. Cardinal Kimmich smiles encouragingly. 

“I do,” he answers. “I feel like that’s the highest form of worship, in a way. Putting yourself in service of the public, helping others whenever and wherever needed.” 

He starts talking then, about his charity projects. He’s got a lot of those. Leon read up on that earlier already, still, he just lets the Cardinal talk. About helping people in poverty. About war and peace and the church being responsible to use its influence to bring peace and prosperity. It sounds kind of rehearsed and Leon knows he’s basically just listening to Vatican propaganda, but he lets him continue. Partly, because it gives him a break from the cardinal's queries, partly, because that speech in itself is an answer to the question of Cardinal Kimmichs aspirations for papacy. Of course, he aspires to be pope. He tells Leon all about his work with disabled kids. With the poor and how he admires pope Francis, who has become sort of a mentor to him over the years. 

It’s just too perfect. Too straight forward. Priest at 23, Bishop at 26, Cardinal at 27. The trajectory of his career is pointing upwards, and with the speed he’s been moving, Cardinal Kimmich might just as well become the Almighty himself by the age he’s 60. Which, of course, is blasphemy, so Leon bites his tongue and instead asks the Cardinal some questions about his time in the seminary. 

Lull him in, he figures. Cardinal Kimmich obviously feels comfortable with those topics. Maybe Leon can get him relaxed enough to open up a bit more later on. To reveal more parts of himself, the ones that aren’t perfectly polished. Something that actually makes the headlines, not just a profile on the last page of the Tuesday paper.

Hearing about the cardinal's life journey is actually quite interesting. It’s just so different from Leon's way of life. They’re the same age. But at 18, when they both finished their A-levels, Cardinal Kimmich went to a monastery to join the seminary. Meanwhile, in the very same year, Leon tried and failed to go pro in football only to go backpacking around Europe, until he ended up in Valencia with Carlos. While Cardinal Kimmich spent most of his time in prayer, Leon realised how good sex with men could be. Maybe he should give Carlos a call some time. See what he’s up to. The last Leon heard of him, he was planning on starting over in Naples. They could meet up somewhere. For old times sake. 

“Are you okay?” Cardinal Kimmich asks him suddenly and Leon realises that he might have been thinking about the whole Carlos thing a bit too long, not even realising that Kimmich is finished with his story. 

“Yes, I’m sorry,” Leon quickly answers, glad, the phone is still recording to make up for his own inattention. “I was just thinking. I don’t know, it’s sort of fascinating, how different lives can be. We’re the same age and yet our lives couldn’t be more different.”

Cardinal Kimmich smiles. “I don’t think we’re so different. We’re both humans after all. Children of God.” 

Leon can barely suppress an eyeroll. “Come on, you know what I mean.”

Cardinal Kimmich smiles and nods. “I think I understand you. I also sometimes wonder what would have become of me, had I not chosen this path.”

“Did you?” Leon asks, before he can actually think it through. “Choose this path I mean.”

“That’s an interesting question. In a way, I guess I did. My parents were actually not happy about me choosing the seminary. They were hoping for grandchildren one day.” He smiles ruefully. 

“But they were the ones who raised me. The ones who let me get baptized in a christian name, the ones who taught me to pray.” 

“But they didn’t expect you to become a priest?” 

Cardinal Kimmich shakes his head. “I didn’t expect it myself. I wanted to become a teacher or play football forever, I was just a boy after all.” He smiles and Leon can’t help but smile back. 

“I also used to play football.” 

Cardinal Kimmich’s smile broadens, and for a moment, Leon thinks he can see the teenager the cardinal is talking about. The boy he used to be, before he became an office. 

“We should play sometimes, then.”

It’s probably an empty offer. After all, a cardinal has better things to do than play football with some random journalist. Especially when said cardinal is based in Germany, not in Rome. Still, Leon nods. For a moment, they’re just sitting there, smiling at each other, excited like little boys at the prospect of playing football again. 

Cardinal Kimmich clears his throat. “Anyways. I never even considered the seminary back then.” 

“What changed?”

“My parents took me to Sicily for holidays when I was 15. I found a couple of friends there, to play football with. And one evening, while we were playing at the beach, the ball just ended up in the water. It just happened sometimes, never a big deal, but this time, the ball went too far for us to be able to get it back without getting all of our clothes wet. Since it was my ball and because I was the oldest in the group, I decided to get my swimming trunks and get the ball. A stupid idea in hindsight.”

“I didn’t wonder why the ball had drifted so far out in just a couple of minutes. I was just happy I got to it faster than expected. Only to start panicking, when, on the way back, I simply wasn’t moving forward. The low tide was setting in and I hadn’t realised.” 

“Shit,” Leon comments, too invested in the story to care about etiquette.

Kimmich nods. 

“I tried for a while, but at some point, my arms and legs simply gave up. I only had the ball to hold on to. And at that point, I simply looked up at the stars, and I remember, how I was just overwhelmed by their beauty, and how I thought that if this was my last hour, I was just glad I got to see something so beautiful one last time. And all of a sudden, I just felt at peace with everything. I was ready to let go, and it almost felt like I was about to fall asleep.”

He pauses, and for a moment he seems so lost in his memories that he has completely forgotten Leon’s even here. 

“And almost out of habit, I started praying the nighttime prayer my parents had taught me when I was I kid.” He closes his eyes when he starts reciting the prayer. 

“Dear God in heaven, I can now close my eyes. The night comes and I know, I’m safe.” He smiles. 

“I hadn’t spoken that prayer in ages. After all, I was a moody teenager, but suddenly, it just felt like the thing to do. To pray. That one specifically. Because I did actually feel safe. And so I gave up, believing this would be the end, that God would take me with him.”

“But he didn’t,” Leon states, realising only a moment later how easily he simply accepted God’s involvement in the whole story. Like it was a fact. Not some crazy delusion.

Kimmich shakes his head. “He didn’t.”

“I let go. I truly let go, let my legs sink down, after trying to stay afloat for so long.” He pauses for dramatic effect. 

“But instead of endless depths, my feet felt sand. There was a sandbank. Exactly at the place where I had given up, the water unknowingly didn’t go higher than my chest. And so I lived.” 

“And so you lived.” Leon repeats. 

“And ever since, I have felt safe wherever I was, knowing the Father still had plans for me. I put my fate in his hands that night and I haven‘t regretted it since.” For a moment, Kimmich just sits there, smiling at the memory and Leon doesn‘t dare to interrupt this moment. Then, the smile widens into a grin, suddenly, breaking up the somber mood.

“So to get back to your question: I do think I chose to be in the seminary for it is my strong belief that God’s biggest present to us is our free will. But still…”

“... you can’t help but think that God did have a hand in this,” Leon finishes. 

Kimmich nods. 

For a moment, they‘re both silent, and Leon just enjoys it, thinking about the story the cardinal just told him. In just a couple of minutes, Cardinal Kimmich has managed to completely change Leon‘s view of him.

Sure, Leon still doesn‘t completely get it. The whole thing with believing in God. For him, there are just too many things speaking against it. And even if he could believe in God, he doesn‘t think he could ever support an institution like the catholic church.

But the way Kimmich tells this story, Leon suddenly gets why he believes in it all. He gets why other people believe in Kimmich in return, and why Pope Francis trusted Kimmich enough to name him cardinal at such a young age. 

This story, it‘s uncomplicated. Simple. It‘s not stuffy, like the old traditions of church tend to be. It‘s not political. It just… is.

And sure, it could all be an act. Kimmich could have just as well invented it all, to have a better backstory. But somehow Leon doubts that.

He takes his phone and gently taps the screen to stop recording. He‘s got enough for a good profile on Cardinal Kimmich. Sure, it might still not make the front page with the elections happening, but he‘s quite sure it will go to print. This interview is more than anyone expected from him in his first weeks, anyways. 

Sure, he could ask more questions. Questions that go deeper, try to dig up some dirt. But he doesn‘t think Cardinal Kimmich would respond to that. He seems too thoughtful for such easy tricks. Too smart. Better to take the edge off, to make some normal conversation to make sure they leave on good terms. That way, when the time comes, Cardinal Kimmich will be more likely to agree to more interviews. And who knows? Maybe he‘ll turn into Leon‘s secret inside source in the Vatican. A boy can dream, after all, right? 

„Would you like another coffee, Cardinal Kimmich?“ 

Kimmich looks at him in surprise. 

„Without recording?“

Leon nods. „I think I have enough. And sometimes it‘s just nicer to have a normal conversation. More relaxed.“ He smiles. 

„And also, I need to return the favour. This one‘s on me.“

Kimmich shakes his head but smiles nevertheless. „I appreciate the gesture but I don‘t think it would be good for my reputation if word got around that I let random journalists buy me coffee. That would be a bit too close to bribery for my comfort.“ 

Leon shrugs. „Don‘t worry about that.“ He points to his phone. „Did you forget? We‘re off the record now. And you still have to tell me more about your football days.“ 

Kimmich lets out a short laugh. „Alright then, but only under one condition.“ 

„Yes?“

„You call me Joshua. Off the record of course, I just can‘t stand the whole Cardinal Kimmich thing when I‘m trying to have a normal conversation.“ 

„Alright,“ Leon smiles and holds out a hand. „Then I‘m Leon. Off the record.“ 

For a moment, Cardinal- Joshua just looks between Leon and his hand, before he finally puts out his hand as well and shakes Leon. He‘s got a firm grip. Warm, soft hands, that should feel uncomfortable in this heat, but don‘t. Leon is almost disappointed, when Joshua lets go again. He‘s not sure why. Or rather: he‘s not sure he likes the disappointment.

„So how do I order the coffee right this time around?“ 

Joshua laughs. „Well you order un caffè per favore.“ 

„And that‘ll be an espresso?“ Leon makes a face. 

Joshua laughs. „You‘ll get used to it.“ 

The barista gives Leon something that feels like an approving smile when he orders his coffee and for a moment; Leon feels proud of himself, until the barista turns to Joshua and says something in Italian, something with Cardinale and Tedesco that makes the both of them laugh. Leon is pretty sure they‘re making fun of him, but of course, he can‘t say for sure. He really needs to stop thirsting over his Italian teacher and start paying attention in class instead.

„ Si, si ,“ Joshua laughs, says something else that‘s too quick for Leon to catch, then orders a coffee for himself as well. 

„What did he say?“ Leon asks, as they‘re making their way outside again.

„He asked me if it was my new charity project, to integrate you into Italian culture.“ 

„What and you didn‘t say no?“ Leon asks in fake indignation. 

Joshua grins. „Well was he so wrong?“ 

Leon shakes his head. He‘s not really mad. After all, Joshua did help him with the whole coffee order thing. Even though Leon doesn‘t really know for sure, if he wants to integrate himself, if that means he needs to drink his coffee black from now on.

„Do you come here often?“ He asks instead. „He seemed to know you already.“ 

Joshua shrugs. „Not really, I have only been here a couple of times. I didn’t use to be in Rome all that often.“

Leon mentally takes note of that wording. 

„And yet he recognized you, Cardinale?“ 

For a short moment, Joshua almost seems embarrassed, then he catches himself on and gives Leon a big smirk. 

„Guess I‘m just that memorable.“

„Guess you are.“ It just slips out. And only afterwards, Leon realises how inappropriate his answer was. It‘s the kind of answer he could give on a date, flirtatious, toeing the line. Definitely not something to say in a professional context. Especially not to a cardinal who‘s sworn an oath of celibacy. No matter how good looking he might be. 

And now Joshua is looking at him with this look. This sort of thoughtful look that could mean anything. The kind of look that Leon knows from dates, when things are going well and the next question about to be asked is your place or mine?

But that‘s ridiculous. For Christ's sake, Joshua is a cardinal. And while Leon still thinks about the fact that it was Joshua who started this whole thing, really, with the being memorable thing and his look now and wonders, if he‘s going to go to hell for cursing in Christs name next to a cardinal even if it was just in silence, he quickly opens his mouth to change the topic. 

„Seriously though, I was surprised you wanted to meet at a place like this. I was expecting a church or something.“

Joshua laughs. „Just because I‘m a Christian doesn‘t mean I spend all of my free time in church. Besides, it would have been highly inappropriate to let you interview me in a church.“ 

Leon shrugs. „I guess it‘s just this picture I have of the catholic church, you know?“ 

Joshua lets out a short laugh again. „What, you mean dusty, pompous and only white old men who haven‘t heard about the internet yet?“ 

Leon nods, feeling the blood shoot to his ears. 

„Outside of church, things are actually usually surprisingly modern. You‘d be surprised by the number of clerics who are addicted to candy crush.“ 

Leon raises an eyebrow. „Are you?“ 

„No!“ Joshua laughs and shakes his head. „I finally got past that a couple of years ago.“ 

Leon can’t help but join his laughter. It’s just too ridiculous of a thought. Imagining a younger Joshua, all dressed up in priest robes playing candy crush on his phone, with music and sound and all. 

“Okay, but any other vices?” He asks, when they’ve both calmed down again. 

“I mean,” he explains, when Joshua looks at him questioningly. “There needs to be something. You can’t be that perfect. Do you smoke?” 

Joshua shakes his head. “Never have, but you wouldn’t believe the amount of cardinals that vape.” 

That makes Leon laugh again. 

“Okay, do you drink?” 

Joshua shrugs. “Most of us do. Blood of Jesus and all that.” 

“Right.” Leon nods. “Secret family, a hidden love affair?” 

“No.” The answer comes just half a second too late and Joshua suddenly seems a lot more guarded than before. Leon could press, but he doesn’t. He’s not entirely sure why. Maybe, because he doesn’t want to ruin whatever good terms they’re on, especially since they’re off the record anyways. Maybe, it’s because he likes this Joshua from before, who’s laughing, relaxed and honestly just like any other guy their age. It suits him well. 

So for the moment, Leon decides to let it drop. 

“What is it about this whole celibacy thing, anyways?” He asks. “Isn’t that incredibly old fashioned?” 

“Hmm…” Joshua looks a bit thoughtful. “What do you know about it?” 

“Well you’re not allowed to have sex, which, in my opinion, just seems unnatural. I mean, if God didn’t want us to have sex, why did he design us that way?” 

Joshua nods. “So nothing.” 

Leon shrugs in admission. 

“Well the basic idea of celibacy is to put God in the first place. In a way, it’s less about sex and more about family,” Joshua explains. “Family is incredibly important in the Christian belief system, in most major religions actually. Just think about the holy family, about our politics, that put traditional family values on a pedestal.”

That’s an interesting topic, Leon thinks for a moment. An opportunity to ask about Joshua’s stance on abortion and homosexuality, something he's never publicly voiced an opinion on. But before he can bring it up, Joshua has already continued.

“We compare God to a father because we know that there is no greater love than the one a parent has for its child. And that’s why us clerics aren’t supposed to have families. Because God is supposed to come first. Which would be difficult if we had children. Because God himself wants us to love them as he loves us.”

Joshua smiles, and Leon can’t help but do the same. The way Joshua puts it, it seems simple. Not celibacy, but having children, believing in God. It’s not about rules, just about love. It’s not a dry explanation, but something Joshua seems to believe wholeheartedly in. He actually seems to believe that God loves him and every human being more than anything else. It must be a comforting thing, to be able to believe like that. 

“So that’s the spiritual aspect,” Joshua finishes. “But I personally think, there are other, very good reasons why we still hold on to celibacy.” 

“Which is?” Leon asks. 

“Practical reasons.” Joshua states. “Our days also have only 24 hours. My profession is my life, not a nine to five job. There simply wouldn’t and shouldn’t be the time to care for a family.” 

“And there’s our history. If you look back in time, there were simply too many popes that used their position to enrich themselves and their families. Popes, who used their position not to be a servant of God. Just think about the Medicis. Five popes, all of them loyal to their family first, to God second. The Borgias, who brought forth two popes. Lucrezia Borgia, who, according to some, had more influence in the Vatican than her own father Pope Alexander VI. Having those family ties has proven to be a source of intrigue and corruption. It threatens the integrity and the very base of our church.” 

“Huh.” Leon says. A bit astounded by such a reflected answer. By the fact that Joshua does in fact seem to have some criticism of the church. 

“So what does that mean for you?” 

“What do you mean?” Joshua asks. 

“I mean, how much time do you still get to spend with your family? Your friends?”

Joshua shrugs. 

“I find company in my faith.” 

It’s not an answer. And they both know it. But something in Joshua’s expression stops Leon from digging deeper. Maybe another time.

After that, they stop talking about the church. Instead, they end up talking about football and good food places in Rome. It’s a conversation Leon could have with any other person and for a while, he almost forgets he’s talking to an actual cardinal, not just some friend from home. That is, until Joshua brings up God again, at the most random points in the conversation and Leon is yet again reminded that Joshua is in fact one of the leading members of an institution that Leon truly kind of hates. 

The meeting ends at 3 pm when the place fills up again and Joshua announces that he has another appointment to get to. They say goodbye with the loose promise of repeating the interview at some point in the future.

“Maybe you could finally tell me about your vices,” Leon jokes, as they make their way away from the piazza towards the car that’s waiting to pick up Joshua.

“I doubt I will.” Joshua answers with a shake of his head, smiling a bit. 

“Come one, why not?” 

Joshua looks around if any people are close by, unnecessarily, since the tourist couple has long moved on and even the nonnas seem to have gone to take their siesta. Then, he steps closer to Leon. Too close almost. Leon can feel his warm breath on his cheek, when he asks:

“We’re still off the record, right?” 

“Off the record,” Leon confirms. He feels his heart beat a bit faster. He’s not sure if that is because of the sudden proximity, or because he feels like he’s about to make a breakthrough. 

“Then I can tell you that I will never tell a journalist about my vices, even if it’s off the record. After all, I wouldn’t want you to ruin my chances of becoming the pope before the age of forty.”

Then, he steps away, breaking the spell of the moment with a smirk and a wink in Leon’s direction. 

“It was surprisingly enjoyable talking to you, Leon. I hope we’ll meet again.”

Leon doesn’t know if he should take that as a compliment or an insult. And truthfully, he doesn’t really care. His mind is still stuck on this off-the-record-half-admission of Joshua.

“Me too.” 

“Goodbye Leon. May God be with you.”

“May God be with you, too,” Leon answers, and feels like his answer was way too weak. Feels like he shouldn’t say something like that. After all, he doesn’t believe in that stuff. 

Still, Joshua smiles at him one last time, before he steps into the car, leaving Leon behind. 

—

A week later, Leon has written and submitted his article to Nagelsmann. It doesn‘t even take an hour until Nagelsmann calls back.

„It‘s a good article,“ he tells Leon on the phone, without as much of a greeting. „Though I‘m a bit surprised you weren‘t a bit more critical.“ 

„Is that a bad thing?“ Leon asks.

There‘s a short pause before Nagelsmann answers. „No. It‘s probably good. Gotta warm up to your sources and all that.“ 

Leon gets the criticism. He‘s got a tendency to be a bit too aggressive when it comes to these things. Still.

„I‘m not stupid.“

„I know you‘re not,“ Nagelsmann sighs. „Just a bit impulsive sometimes.“ 

„I‘m working on it.“

„I know.“ Then, after a pause. „I really think the Vatican job will help you develop professionally. It’s a good fit for you, even if you might disagree.“ 

The problem is, Leon thinks, that he’s not sure he still does.

The article comes out a week later and while it doesn‘t make big waves, Leon does get some good feedback on it. He gets a couple of requests for interviews from other members of the church and the rights for the article even get sold to an Italian news outlet. Leon‘s landlady, a tiny and frankly noisy nonna even reads the translated text and praises Leon for it. It‘s not necessarily the type of accolade Leon imagined he‘d get when he was younger, but it feels good nevertheless. It feels like he‘s doing something right. Like he‘s actually getting somewhere, not just stepping in place.

Chapter Text

September 2023

They meet again, more or less exactly one year after their last meeting. Same place, same time. It’s a bit cooler than last time around. Then again, it could just be Leon’s imagination. After all, he did just go through the Italian summer and 25 degrees Celsius feel almost refreshing to him at this point. 

He‘s assimilated himself well, he likes to think. He found his peace with being a Vatican correspondent, slowly racking up a solid collection of different sources and he‘s gotten used to drinking espressos, no matter the time of day. His Italian has improved greatly, maybe also, because he finally started hooking up with the Italian teacher at some point last winter and well, from there on it was just a matter of time until Leon started spending his free evenings going from party to party, getting to know the queer scene in Rome, which honestly has a lot more to offer than he would have thought. All that to say that he integrated himself into society. A very specific part of society, but society nonetheless. And socialising means talking and talking means learning Italian. And, to Leons big surprise: getting to know one or the other new source.

He‘s kept up with Joshua during that whole time. They weren‘t talking or anything, of course not. But Leon watched. Watched how Joshua grew into his new role as cardinal. How he continued on with all of his charity projects, even though most people expected him to abandon them, focusing more on politics instead. Leon met other members of the Vatican ever since. Lots of people with lots of opinions on Joshua. People who told him that Joshua was too young. To rash, too careful. Too opinionated, not opinionated enough. 

It‘s almost like Joshua, simply because of his young age, has made himself the enemy of many. And still he continues, seemingly unbothered. 

Leon wonders if that really is the truth, really hopes he can find out today. But when he and Joshua finally meet, he finds himself disappointed. 

At first glance, Joshua looks the same as last time. Pressed trousers, dress shirt and red zucchetto. But this time, he looks less casual, his shirt is all orderly, with the sleeves long, instead of rolled up and the first button closed, so Leon can barely make out the cross necklace. 

He looks tired. Eyes smaller than the dark circles beneath them, and while Joshua still smiles when he greets Leon, that charming youthful spark in his eyes seems duller somehow. 

It makes Leon irrationally angry to see Joshua like this. One year and he already seems so burned out. It just feels wrong. 

When they order the coffee, Leon expects, or well, hopes, for an acknowledgement of his improved Italian, but Joshua’s just standing next to him, with a thousand yard stare, like he doesn’t even realise where he is. 

When they start the interview, Joshua seems tense. He sometimes thinks for minutes before answering Leon‘s questions, only to spew out some uncommittal bulshit, that will ultimately not answer Leon’s question at all. It takes a while until Leon starts to realise his tactic. Joshua will answer inconsequential questions just fine, but whenever Leon asks him more in depth questions, stuff about the synodal way and the possibility of a renewal of the church, he will evade the question, making sure, his answer will put him neither on the conservative nor the progressive end of the spectrum. Just somewhere right in the middle. When Leon tries to ask for opinions explicitly, Joshua always cites Pope Francis, reasoning that he believes the head of church is acting in everybodies best interest. It’s cheap and annoying and Leon is getting increasingly irritated. Is this what one year as a cardinal will do with you? One year of Vatican politics and suddenly, all of that earnestness Leon came to like about Joshua last year, has vanished. 

After an hour or so of this, Leon finally can‘t take it anymore. He stops the recording on his phone. 

“Are we already done?” Joshua asks.

“I don’t know,” Leon answers, carefully. 

Joshua gives him a confused look and Leon sighs. 

“I just feel like we aren’t really progressing?” Leon says, still a bit unsure how demanding he can actually allow himself to be

„What do you mean?“ Joshua asks, feigning ignorance, even though he visibly tenses up at Leon’s remark. And really, it’s that, that makes Leon lose his patience. The last time they met he really thought they were on good terms, they could actually talk, get into topics on a deeper level instead of just scraping the surface, but this- he can’t take it anymore. So he just says it bluntly, putting his professionalism aside for the moment.

„You’re not answering my questions, you’re constantly drifting to different topics than the ones I asked you for.”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Joshua says after a pause that makes anything coming after it sound unbelievable.

„I thought lying was a vice?“

Again, it takes Joshua a long time to anwer. Leon is starting to get the feeling he’s on a zoom call with a bad connection. Then, Joshua smiles, perhaps the first real smile of the meeting, almost a grin, and changes the topic with no shame at all.

“How has your year been going? Your Italian has gotten a lot better.” 

“It’s been fun,” Leon says non committal. He’s not going to go into the details of his partying lifestyle with a cardinal. Certainly not so, when Joshua is acting like this. Seriously, what even is this? Leon is confronting Joshua for avoiding his questions and Joshua just continues doing just that?

“But I’m the one interviewing you. So tell me. Should we stop here or what?” 

The smile slips off Joshua’s lips. 

“I don’t know.” He bites his lips, then looks around. The piazza is fuller than the last time but it’s still far from crowded. Nobody is sitting in earshot of them, but still, Joshua seems nervous. 

“I’m sorry. Can we maybe go somewhere else to talk?” 

Leon frowns. “That doesn’t sound like I’m about to get anything on the record.” 

“No, probably not.” A rueful smile plays around Joshua’s lips and Leon should say no. He really should. Just accept that the interview was a fluke and go back to the office to work on other stuff instead. But he’s intrigued. He wants to know what this is, why Joshua is acting so differently than the last time they met. If Joshua still can act any different, or if, whatever a year of office has done to him, is actually irreversible. 

Somehow, Leon doubts that though. Especially, when they get up and start walking away from the piazza. As soon as they’ve left the other people behind, it’s like the tension just melts away. Joshua doesn’t talk himself all that much, but when he asks Leon again, what he’s been up to during the past year, he actually seems interested, not like he’s just trying to change topic. 

They go to Leon’s apartment. For lack of better ideas and because it’s convenient, just a short ten minute walk away. Leon’s a bit nervous as he unlocks the door. He’s a tidy person, but he didn’t really account for a fucking cardinal coming by when he left in the morning. He just hopes all of his dirty underwear is where it is supposed to be, in the laundry basket not lying around on his couch or something. 

He internally thanks God, or whoever is up there, that Mrs. Nicoletti, his landlady, is in Bologna right now, visiting family, because she for sure would have recognized Joshua and well… then the whole ‘getting away from people’ thing wouldn’t have worked out so well after all. 

Between the thoughts of dirty underwear, Mrs. Nicoletti and the big question of if he has any drinks in the fridge he could offer to Joshua, it’s kind of hard to stay concentrated on what he’s telling Joshua. Sure, work is a safe topic, Leon can talk about it all day long. But unfortunately, Joshua apparently likes to dig deeper. And, while Leon does have some stuff happening in his personal life, he isn’t sure how well it would go if he told Joshua any real details about his private life.

Because how do you tell a guy who‘s one of the big bosses of the catholic church that a lot of your free time is spent hooking up with men? Answer is probably that you don’t. 

It’s nice like this, on the balcony. Leon isn’t sure why exactly Joshua feels more comfortable in the apartment of someone who’s basically still a stranger to him, a journalist, on top of it all, but that’s not really the point. If Joshua feels more relaxed like this, Leon is not going to complain. He’s already mentally come to terms with the fact that he probably won’t get anything out of this meeting with Joshua. At least nothing he can use for work. But it’s nice to talk to Joshua nevertheless. 

Nice, to be able to talk German for once, even if he has to adjust the stories. Nice to see Joshua laugh, as Leon tells the embarrassing story of the time he tried ordering a pizza hawaii. In a way, it’s all very funny to Leon, too. He finds a morbid sense of amusement in telling Joshua about weekends spent in Catania, nights out in Saint Sebastian, telling Joshua about his sexuality in little clues, well knowing Joshua won’t understand, because that’s a language he doesn’t speak. 

“Why are you so interested in all of this?” Leon finally asks after a while, curious, because as far as he knows, his lifestyle would probably be categorized as sinful by the catholic church. Even when he leaves out the whole being gay part. And still, Joshua seems interested in his stories, amazed almost. 

Joshua shrugs. “ I guess it’s just nice to hear that you’re having fun. You didn’t seem too happy about Rome the last time we met.” 

“Oh,” Leon says, a bit at a loss of words. “Was I that obvious?” 

“Well, no. But in hindsight, you just seem a lot more content now than you did a year ago.” Joshua smiles. It’s a genuine smile, one that has his eyes crinkle just a little bit. “It’s just nice to see you like that.” 

“Thanks, I guess,” Leon mumbles and turns back to his drink to avoid staring at Joshua for too long. 

Leon knows he‘s happier. As much as it pains him to admit it: Nagelsmann was right. Rome did help him develop. Not only on a professional level but also on a personal one. He’s got some friends here now, he’s more social, more open to new things, better adjusted. So he knows. But still, it‘s surprising, sort of touching in a way, that Joshua noticed, after only talking to each other once. It‘s something about being seen, Leon figures. Someone making the effort.

And because of that, he finally gathers the courage to ask Joshua back. To try again, the question that‘s been burning in his mouth ever since they met for coffee earlier in the afternoon.

„What about you?“

„Hmm?“ Joshua asks, as if Leon is pulling him out of some other thought. 

„You seemed happier the last time we met.“ 

For a moment, Joshua seems surprised, but then, after a moment of hesitation, he nods slowly. 

„I guess I was.“

What changed? Leon wants to ask. But really, he already knows. And he figures, if Joshua actually wants to talk about it, he will. 

And he does. After a minute or so of both of them just enduring the silence, Joshua starts talking again, eyes fixed on the orange clouds instead of Leon. 

„The last year has been kind of… a lot.”

He pauses, turning to Leon suddenly, catching Leon who‘s been staring at him all this time a bit off guard.

„We‘re off the record, right?“ 

Leon just nods and Joshua seems to relax a bit. He plays with the straw of his drink as he starts talking again. 

„I mean, I guess I always knew there were a lot of politics involved when it came to church. But when I became bishop, it wasn‘t all that bad. It was alright. So I thought I had it all figured out.“

He laughs cynically. Short and high pitched. 

“But honestly, I had no clue. When Pope Francis appointed me, I figured I could just go on the way it was. But no chance. Just alone the workload has doubled. Like, I haven’t seen my family in almost a year, even though they only live a couple of hours away. I don't even remember the last time I got to sit down and just have a drink with a friend like this.” He gestures around at Leon and the balcony. 

A friend. Leon wonders if that‘s what he is to Joshua. And if that isn‘t proof of a very lonely life, when you start calling people you‘ve met only once or twice, in a professional context, your friends. Then again, he can kind of see where Joshua is coming from. If it weren‘t for the whole being cardinal thing, he could see himself being friends with Joshua as well. Maybe even more. 

The unbidden thought enters his head before Leon can do anything about it and Leon quickly shakes his head to be rid of it again. Because the matter of fact is, that Joshua isn‘t just Joshua, isn‘t just another 28 year old that loosely fits Leon’s type. He‘s a cardinal. And very much taboo, even if it would make for an incredible headline. 

It’s weird to think in such terms. Especially, because only a year ago, Leon would have done anything to get some headlines that would get the catholic church in trouble. But somehow, he respects Joshua too much for that. Maybe, Leon thinks, that means Joshua is his friend, too. In a way. 

„And then, the politics. It‘s just exhausting. All these people telling me I‘m too young, everyone asking me to take positions on important subjects and like, I get why it is important that I say something, but at the same time, I know that whatever opinion I‘m going to voice will be used to discredit me. It‘s like I can‘t do anything right and it‘s eating me up, I just…“ 

Whereas Joshua‘s voice has gotten louder over the last few sentences, he calms down again, and when he looks at Leon, he just looks so defeated. It feels wrong to see him like that. He‘s supposed to be the person Leon met first. The cardinal, who exuded calm and confidence. 

„Sometimes I fear all these politics will make me lose sight of what‘s truly important. My faith.“ 

Leon isn‘t really sure what to say. He doesn‘t believe in God, and he‘s quite sure Joshua knows that. He doesn‘t want Joshua to doubt, to be so down on himself, but at the same time he‘s really not the sort of person that could help a Christian through a crisis of faith. 

„And hearing you talk about your life. Going out, having fun, just being a normal 28 year old, I guess it just made me see how much easier my path could have been.“

„Oh.“ 

„Yeah.“ Joshua nods.

„You don‘t seem very happy,“ Leon says after half an eternity of turning the words in his mouth. 

Joshua shrugs and looks back to the sky. Leon continues staring at him, can‘t really bring himself to look away. It’s just… Joshua looks good like that. Face bathed in the light of the golden hour. He doesn’t seem sad anymore, despite Leon’s, well, accusation you could almost call it. Just thoughtful and then, he chuckles, just a short little thing, more an accentuated exhale through the nose than an actual laugh. 

„I think I‘m happier than most,” he finally answers after that and a blissful smile plays around his lips. He seems calm. Calmer than he did all day. Leon doesn‘t get it. 

„I know God. I trust in him and I know I am loved by him. Really, what more can I ask for?“ 

The statement hits Leon out of nowhere. It reminds him of the last time they met, when Joshua told him the story of how he came to truly believe in God. There‘s this certainty in Joshua‘s voice, something Leon can‘t relate to in the slightest, but that he somewhat envies. Maybe Joshua is right. Maybe he is happy. Despite it all. And who is Leon to deny him that?

„I don‘t think you ever told me,“ Joshua says after a while, turning back to Leon. 

„Do you believe in God?“ 

Leon shakes his head, almost out of instinct. „I don‘t think I do.“ 

He feels almost bad for the admission. Not because it‘s because it‘s not the truth, but because he feels like after this earnest moment, he should be able to relate to Joshua in this way. But he can‘t. It‘s fascinating to see someone so committed to their faith, fully trusting in a higher entity. But that‘s just not his thing. For Leon, there are simply too many things speaking against it. If there‘s a God, why are there wars? Why are people still dying of hunger and preventable diseases? Why are there even diseases? And even if despite it all, Leon could find faith, he doesn‘t think he could ever follow a religion that hates him for who he loves. It just goes against everything he stands for.

He‘s ready to defend those points, but in the end he doesn‘t need to. Because Joshua doesn‘t start arguing. He just looks at Leon for a very long time, with an unreadable expression, neither positive nor negative, and then he turns his gaze back to the sky. 

The sun is gone for a while now and the sky is turning simmer. It’ll be just a matter of time until they‘ll be out here in the dark. They‘ve spent a lot more time together than Leon had originally planned. He doesn‘t really have anywhere else to be. He doubts it‘s the same for Joshua though. Still, he doesn‘t mention it. He doesn‘t want to ruin this moment. Despite the many moments of silence, he feels like he‘s really getting to know Joshua right now. Maybe it’s exactly because of that silence. Suddenly, every word seems to have a bigger impact. 

And even though Leon can‘t, doesn‘t even want to use any of this for work, he doesn‘t want to say goodbye to Joshua already. 

Unfortunately, Joshua seems to read his thoughts, because after a while, he starts moving  in his chair. 

„It‘s getting late, I should probably go.“

„You don‘t have to,“ Leon offers, not sure why. After all, they‘re still here in a professional context. Not friends hanging out. Supposedly. 

Joshua has places to be, prayers to pray or whatever cardinals do on Thursday evenings.  

„Unfortunately, I do.“ Joshua smiles. „But it was nice meeting you again, Leon.“ 

Leon catches himself thinking that he really likes hearing his name out of Joshua’s mouth. 

Joshua gets up, and Leon follows suit. 

„Will your driver pick you up?“ 

Joshua shakes his head. „No, I think I will walk.“

„I could walk with you,“ Leon offers, again, not quite sure why he‘s so desperate not to let the evening end. 

„Thank you.“ Joshua smiles. „But I think I need some time for myself. I have a lot to think about.“ He‘s gentle with his rejection, but still, the disappointment hurts. 

Joshua stops, when they get to the door. 

„Can I ask you one last question, Leon?“ 

Leon shrugs. „Sure.“ 

„I‘m not sure if I might be crossing the line.“ 

„Just ask.“ Leon shrugs, because really, he’s curious. He can still decide afterwards, if he wants to answer.

„Are you gay?“ 

Leon feels his stomach drop. This really isn‘t the kind of question he was expecting. And discussing his sexuality with a cardinal also isn‘t really something that‘s very high up on his to do list. Especially not after such a nice evening. He doesn‘t want to end it on a bad note. For a short second he considers just denying it. To just lie. But he disregards the idea quickly enough. Those days are over. He‘s not about to go back into the closet just to appease some guy who he sometimes sort of has to work with. 

„Yes.” He swallows hard and then he adds: “Is that a problem?“ 

„No, of course not,“ Joshua answers without hesitation with an almost childlike confusion. Like church and homophobia didn‘t go together like pepper and salt. „I was just curious.“

„Okay?“ Leon asks, still a bit unsure.

„I mean, Pope Francis himself said: ‚Who am I to judge?‘ And I like to follow that way of thinking myself.“ Joshua adds. And then, after a moment of hesitation, so quiet it‘s almost just a whisper: 

„And I think I‘m the last person to ever judge anyone for that.“ 

There‘s an admission hidden in that sentence. Joshua is hinting at something he knows Leon will understand. But Leon just doesn‘t get why he‘s doing it. What‘s the point of it? Is Joshua just playing with him? Trying to test the limits of their little off the record rule? 

„You know, that line of thinking always makes me think that you‘re just choosing the easy way. You know, you don’t judge, but you trust that the big guy up there will do it for you instead.“ Leon says in the end, because clinging onto that part is just a lot easier than trying to join Joshua‘s little game of clues. He‘s too tired for that. 

Joshua shoots him a wry smile. „I guess you have a point. A lot of us probably think like that.“  

„And you don‘t?“ Leon asks. 

„I don‘t know,“ Joshua admits. „The ways of the Lord are unknown to us all. There are too many lines in the scripture to completely disregard the idea of homosexuality as a sin. But at the same time, we must always remember the two most important commandments.“

He firmly looks at Leon. 

„To love God and to love one another as we love ourselves. And if love is our most important commandment, how could it ever be right to hate?“ 

„No matter how well you can justify it with bible verses. If you hate others, you are disobeying God's most important commandment. And that, in my opinion, is the biggest sin of them all.“ 

Suddenly, Joshua smiles. „You know what? You can quote me on that.“ 

„Hmhm.“ Leon makes, without much conviction. He highly doubts he‘s going to write anything about this meeting. 

He sort of gets Joshua’s reasoning, though. But at the same time, Joshua still didn’t deny that he thinks of homosexuality as a sin. He’s probably just spent a lot of time trying to warp this whole thing around, to make it all make sense to him somehow. 

No wonder, really. If Leon is right with his suspicion, Joshua must be dealing with unheard of levels of internalised homophobia. Leon has met some guys like that here in Rome. Men, who were raised religiously, who can’t reconcile their faith with their desires. Back in the beginning, Leon even thought it was kind of cute. Innocent somehow. He didn’t get how much pressure these men were under. Didn’t get how anyone could be in their thirties and still in the closet. 

These days, he usually doesn’t even bother with guys like that. It’s too messy, and really, just a waste of time. It usually doesn't work out. Or if it does, only on very specific terms and conditions. And Leon doesn’t like being a secret. So he just decided that it’s better to keep his distance from such walking contradictions.

Joshua though, Joshua is different. Maybe, because Leon doesn’t have any confirmation, just a creeping suspicion. Maybe, because Joshua is off the menu anyways, what, with his celibacy. Or maybe, it’s just because he is the first person Leon’s met, who actually seemed to take all the teachings of the catholic church into account, no cherry picking, and still managed to reconcile homosexuality with christian faith. 

„Is all that the reason why you don‘t believe in God?“ Joshua asks after a while.

„One of them,“ Leon admits. „Kind of hard to believe in something that tells you that you‘re going to hell just for existing as the person you were born as.“

Joshua nods. „I‘m sorry.“ 

„Don‘t be,“ Leon says, uncomfortable with the way their conversation is developing. „I mean, maybe you should be, but really, I don‘t feel like I‘m missing out by not being part of that gang.“ 

Joshua doesn‘t answer that, just looks up at Leon with this weird sort of smile. Like he knows more than Leon somehow. A part of Leon wonders, if that might not just be the truth.

Leon still has some questions about that. Like how Joshua figured it out. It’s not like Leon hides his sexuality, but he’s not really big on promoting it. Especially in front of Joshua. There are no rainbow flags in his apartment, no pictures of him kissing men, at pride parades or anything. It’s part of his life, part of his personality, but usually, he has to tell people explicitly. Him being gay, that’s not something people expect. Especially people who are used to a more… antiquated world view. 

Sure, he did drop his hints earlier, with Catania and Saint Sebastian. And really, when he thinks about it, that was the only hint he gave Joshua. And if that’s what gave it away to Joshua, well, then it was really Joshua who revealed more about himself with that question than Leon did with his answer. It reinforces that tiny suspicion, but in the end, Leon doesn‘t ask. It feels inappropriate. Pointless, really. Because it would all just be to satisfy Leon’s own curiosity. And really, if he’s right, it’s probably better for Joshua to never tell the truth about himself. Not even to Leon. There’s a lot more at stake for him, than Leon can even fathom.

„Do you want to borrow a sweater or something?“ He asks Joshua instead. It gets cold quickly when the sun is gone and Joshua has a long way back to Vatican city. 

Joshua visibly hesitates, but in the end, he nods and Leon gives him one of his better sweaters. Something to go with the dress shirt. 

Joshua turns around one last time after he‘s stepped out the door. 

„May God be with you,“ he says, same as last time. Only this time, he takes a step forward and before Leon can react, Joshua uses his fingers to draw a cross on Leon‘s forehead. It surprises Leon so much that he forgets to answer. 

Joshua steps back and turns to walk down the stairs. Leon just watches, still paralysed. When he finally manages to close the door minutes or maybe hours later, his forehead still burns with where Joshua has touched him. 

—

Leon doesn’t write about his meeting with Joshua. He still has enough other projects to work with. He’s delivering more than Nagelsmann was expecting in the first place, so one interview more or less doesn’t really matter. 

A week later, Mrs. Nicoletti hands him a package when he comes home from work. 

There’s no address, no postal stamp, just Leon’s name. When he opens it, he finds his sweater, smelling of laundry detergent and a book. A bible of all things. 

When he opens it, a little note flies out. In neat handwriting, Leon reads:

Dear Leon, 

I hope this isn’t intrusive, but I wanted you to have this. I got this bible back when I started learning Italian. Maybe it can help you, with your Italian, too. And who knows, it might just teach you a word of wisdom, or two. 

God bless you, 

Joshua

It’s obvious, someone has read this bible a lot. The pages are yellowed, sometimes creased to mark important pages. Pages, where the margins are filled with notes, in the same careful handwriting as the letter. 

Leon is weirdly touched by the gesture. Had it been anyone else, or had it been a newer bible, Leon doubts he would have been happy about it. Something about this still feels like Joshua is trying to convince Leon of his faith, which is something Leon has always reacted quite allergic to. 

But this bible, filled with Joshua’s own thoughts, it’s beautiful, in a way. It feels like Joshua is revealing a part of himself to Leon, and Leon appreciates the gesture, even though he’s not quite sure what to make of it. 

It’s not a professional relationship anymore. That, Leon is sure of, at this point. He’s too biased when it comes to Joshua. And with this bible, with all that Joshua has told him during that evening, it might just be the same for Joshua. 

What exactly all of that means for them, Leon still isn’t sure. 

Chapter Text

September 2024

Leon follows Joshua more closely during the next year. Where before, he was just listening up, whenever he would hear his name in conversation, google him every now and then, Joshua has now become his main focus. He sets a google alert for Cardinal Kimmich and savours every new information, every new picture. Tries to categorize it somewhere, tries to form a fuller picture, only to be surprised again and again, by Joshua’s actions. 

Joshua really grows into his role as cardinal during this year, Leon realizes. He’s still what most would call moderate, not too extreme on either end on the scale. But he’s started voicing opinions. He goes against the Pope once or twice, with a surprisingly progressive stance on abortion, still conservative in Leon’s bubble, but more than most of the catholic church would offer. He makes headlines by allowing the blessing of gay couples in his diocese, even though he doesn’t commence them himself and he talks about giving women a bigger role in the church. 

And somehow, even though all these actions seem extremely progressive from a Vatican standpoint, Joshua manages to keep the conservatives on his side. He has this way. Every progressive stance gets just a bit dampened by a conservative opinion following it. A speech about traditional family values, the importance of celibacy, about the teachings of the bible and the importance of God in a globalized world. 

And those are not exactly radical opinions either, not all that conservative when you really dig into it, which Leon does. Joshua simply has a way of spinning his words around critics that makes it seem like he is in the right, no matter what he says. When others quote traditions, Joshua counters with the bible, with God teachings. He brings up those two commandments, he already told Leon about again and again. And Leon wonders if it can really be that easy. It seems to work wonders though. Nobody can really argue against it. It’s like Joshua is a spider and his words are his net, carefully spun to catch even his biggest critics and have them submit to his will. Members of the church, who have once spewed poison words about Joshua are suddenly praising him for his interpretation of the bible, for his humility, for his pure heart and his devotion to God. 

This is the version of Joshua, Cardinal Kimmich, Joshua wanted Leon to write about during their very first interview, Leon realises. And for a short moment, he’s almost disappointed with himself, that he actually complied back then, let Joshua have his way. If he hadn’t met Joshua again a year later, he'd probably still be angry. 

Because sometimes, Leon still isn’t one hundred percent sure, if he didn’t just fall into the same trap as everybody else. If he’s not also just another fruit fly in Joshua’s spider web of sweet words. He watches videos of Joshua, trying to figure out if this version of Joshua is actually Joshua or if it is just a facade, something to placate everybody else, just a way to get to the ultimate goal. The one Joshua refused to talk about, the one everybody else is whispering about. The goal, that seems to come closer in reach with every public appearance of Pope Francis, only a shadow of his former self. The papacy. 

Leon isn’t sure. One day, he thinks Joshua might be just all he’s made out to be. Other days he thinks Joshua has just learned to play the game. Some days, he wonders if one necessarily excludes the other. 

He gets in contact with Joshua’s secretary in August to make another appointment for an interview, only to get the answer that Cardinal Kimmich does not have any availability in the next months. 

To say that Leon is disappointed, is probably an understatement. He feels like a teenager whose prom proposal has been rejected. He feels almost betrayed. Although they’ve only met twice, he feels like these interviews with Joshua in September have become some sort of constant for him. Something to look forward to. To have this taken away from him, hurts a lot more than it should. 

In his depressed state, Leon actually takes out the bible Joshua has gifted him and starts reading through it. Not the whole thing, obviously, but the paragraphs Joshua has marked. He goes through the notes in the margins and tries to make sense of Joshua and his incomprehensible, unshakable faith. It makes Leon feel connected to Joshua somehow. He’s not quite sure why he has the urge to feel this connection. 

It feels almost voyeuristic to read those notes, like reading a diary of a sort, and Leon wonders more than once, why Joshua trusted him with this. 

Even with Leon’s improved Italian, reading the marked passages is exhausting, but Leon persists. Joshua’s notes are written in a mixture of English, German and Italian. More than once, Leon finds himself googling specific teachings of the bible, tries to make sense of Joshua’s thoughts and opinions, tries to place them in a bigger context. 

He goes through it page by page and when he gets to the new testament, he finds more and more of Joshua’s scripture squeezed into the margins. Joshua very obviously has a favourite book. The pages of the first Corinthians are almost completely coloured by text marker, Joshua’s handwriting is smaller here, to make place for all of his thoughts and Leon finds himself reading almost all of the book. 

It makes sense for Joshua to like this book so much, with the way he is. Or maybe, Leon wonders, Joshua is the way he is, because he likes this book so much. There is a lot of talk about love. God's undying love for his creation and how it should translate into charity, into the love humans should have for one another. It’s something that Joshua preaches again and again in public, whenever he defends a more progressive opinion. 

L'amore è paziente, l'amore è gentile, one paragraph starts, and when Leon translates it in his head, he realizes he's heard it many times at weddings of friends and family members. Joshua has it underlined several times. 

Fate tutto con amore, another line says - Do everything in love. The tutto is circled several times. It’s endearing, how obsessed Joshua seems to be with those teachings of love. It almost makes the church, a place that Leon has always only known for its hatred, out to be a kind and loving place. 

But there are other pages. Pages that teach the complete opposite in Leon‘s opinion. Pages, where Joshua has filled every empty space with notes, so that Leon can barely make out what‘s written. 

One in particular stands out: A line about homosexuality, which, of course is deemed a sin. But Joshua seems to have had a lot of thoughts on the matter. Sodomiti, Leon reads and the message seems clear. Joshua, on the other hand, doesn't seem to think so. Translation? He has written into the margins. Lustknaben und Knabenschänder, auf deutsch, damit Referenz an Griechen. 

Leon googles it all in the end. The whole ‘homosexuality is a sin’ thing, he’s always taken as his biggest offence by the church. What Joshua’s referring to, is that the translation from the Hebrew original is variable. Some bibles, like the Italian and English standard translation for example, take the simple route of translating the Hebrew word arsenokoitēs, into homosexuality or sodomy. The German standard translation by contrast, refers to the common practice of pederasty in ancient Greece. Which, sure, Leon kind of gets. He’s never been a big fan of age gaps, of the obvious power imbalance. 

What he doesn’t get though, is how people can be so divided on the translation of one simple word. How the translation of one single word changes the whole perspective. 

Joshua has referenced other lines of the bible on that page. One, where Leon needs to go back, to the very beginning, one in the Romans. And the thing is, Leon gets, what some people, Joshua included, are trying to argue for here. That really, the bible doesn’t condemn homosexuality, but just prostitution and pederasty, which would play perfectly into a modern view of the world. But if the bible was so progressive, why didn’t they condemn age gaps in heterosexual relationships? Because there, it just seems perfectly normal, if not desired, to have a power imbalance between men and women. 

And well, the whole role of the woman is another can of worms, Leon could open. Joshua also has a lot of thoughts on that, and Leon gets a headache from all of his contradictory notes. Again, he really wonders if Joshua is happy. Not because of his role and his workload as a cardinal. But simply because of all of these contradictions, the way it seems his values clash with the teachings of his faith, the thing that seems to be dearest to him.

And while it is exhausting, Leon simply can’t stop going through Joshua’s notes. 

God has created me the way I am and he has given me my free will, to do with it whatever I want. I just wish I knew what is expected from me. 

Two sentences, written in red, standing out from the rest of the notes. And in it, Leon feels Joshua’s unwavering faith, this almost childish primordial trust in God he’s come to like so much about Joshua. And he realises again, just how much he misses Joshua. After just two meetings, he’s developed a dependency on Joshua, Leon doesn’t know from anyone else. 

He wants to see Joshua again, wants to see that peaceful smile when Joshua talks about his faith. He wants to hear Joshua talk, the way he chooses his words so carefully, the way he lulls Leon in, until Leon doesn’t even realize that he’s just been caught in Joshua’s net, just like everybody else. Even if he did realise, Leon doesn’t think he could even still mind. 

October 2024

Sometime in the middle of October, Leon gets a call from an unknown number. He picks it up without really thinking about it. Force of habit. Because sure, 95% of the times those unknown numbers are just spam calls, where Leon hangs up right away and blocks the number. But on the off chance that the caller is a new source, Leon always picks up anyways. 

This time it‘s neither. There‘s a short silence after Leon‘s ‚Pronto?‘, then: 

„Leon?“ 

He‘d recognize that voice anywhere. Embarrassingly so. 

„Joshua? Where did you get my number?“ 

„Uhm, my secretary gave it to me,“ Joshua answers and sounds kind of amused at Leon‘s suspicious tone. Of course. The secretary that Leon‘s been bugging the past couple of months to see if Cardinal Kimmich really doesn‘t have an extra hour time slot somewhere in there, you know, for another interview… or something. Leon isn‘t really sure if there are really any professional reasons for him to meet Joshua. Well, there are a ton of them, but really, Leon doesn‘t want to ask Joshua about the synodal way and the German Bishops conference. He wants to ask Joshua how he‘s been doing and he wants to see him laugh, and maybe, if he‘s lucky, there will be a sunset involved, that Joshua will stare at, so Leon can just look at his side profile in peace. You know, very normal stuff, really.

„Oh okay,“ he answers after a while, a bit lamely, then continues with a  „What‘s up?“ only to curse himself for being so casual, he‘s still speaking to a cardinal after all. 

„Not much,“ Joshua answers. „I‘m just- I‘m in Rome at the moment and I‘ve got some time this afternoon and I was wondering, well the first time we met we talked about football and I was thinking, we could maybe play a bit. Well, not play, more like, kicking you know? I mean, if you‘re up for it. And- are you even free today?“ 

„Yes,“ Leon answers, before he can really think it through. It’s not entirely true. It’s only three in the afternoon. He’s still got a couple of hours left to work, but it’s not like anyone is going to check up on that. And anyways, meeting Joshua still kind of qualifies as work. In a way. Even though Leon didn’t use any of the stuff they talked about the last time for an article. And even though they‘re probably going to play football apparently? And really, Leon kind of hopes it won't be an interview situation. He sort of wants something like the last time. Not the stiff conversation in the café, but the one that came after, during the sunset, on his balcony. 

„Great,“ Joshua answers. „I’ll pick you up at your apartment in an hour?“ 

„Yes,“ Leon answers, again, without really thinking about it. Then, he quickly adds: „Call me again when you’re there.“ Mrs Nicoletti is in town this time around and he really doesn’t need a fangirl situation with her. He’s perfectly fine with it just being the two of them. And well, maybe a couple of other cardinals maybe? Or priests? Really, Leon doesn‘t exactly know what he‘s just signed up for, but before he can ask Joshua about any details, they‘ve already said their goodbyes and Joshua‘s hung up.

When Joshua does pick him up later, it’s not in a sleek black BMW and a driver, but a tiny white smart, and, to Leon’s even bigger surprise, in completely casual clothes. It makes sense, of course, if they’re going to play football, that Joshua wouldn’t wear his usual pressed shirt, but still, the sight of Joshua in shorts and without his zucchetto is almost jarring. Well, not jarring, but like.. it’s weird. Not necessarily in a bad way. Or maybe in a bad way, because it’s making Joshua seem so much more human in a way. He looks just like any of Leon’s old friends from soccer. And it’s kind of hard to see him as a respectable cardinal like that. He’s just… a guy, really. A really good looking one at that. And taken together with the reduced distance in the tiny car, it’s kind of making Leon think things. Nothing specific, but just… it’s hard not to feel like the professional distance has once again completely vanished. The whole thing just feels way too domestic in a way. Sitting in this smart, so small that Leon’s knees constantly knock against the dashboard with Joshua next to him, who looks concentrated but relaxed. Like there’s nothing scary about navigating through Rome traffic. He’s got this way of squinting, when he looks at the oncoming traffic, where his nose crinkles a bit, which is  a lot more endearing than it should be and-

“Che cazzo!” Joshua curses and thankfully takes Leon out of this unfortunate train of thought. “Mi hai tolto il diritto di precedenza, stronzo!” Joshua gestures at a red Seat Ibiza driving away, then honks, to make sure that whoever is driving that thing, gets to hear at least parts of his anger.

Leon can’t help but laugh. Of course Joshua is a road rager. Or well, maybe not of course. It’s surprising, really, but delightful. This new fact he now knows about Joshua, that doesn’t fit the picture, just like nike shorts and smart don’t. But it completes the picture. Like Joshua was a puzzle, Leon thought he had solved, only to realise that he’s only worked with half of the pieces. And now that he’s got those new pieces, he’s starting to realise that this puzzle is turning out to have a completely different motive than Leon initially thought. It takes Joshua off the pedestal Leon had mentally created for him. And that doesn’t make him any less special, just… less ethereal, more in reach. Which, again, is probably a dangerous train of thought. 

“I didn’t know you were allowed to curse,” Leon brings out eventually. 

“Well, I shouldn’t,” Joshua answers and actually seems a bit embarrassed. “But we all have our vices.” He quickly looks over to Leon, a small smile playing around his lips. 

“Guess you finally found mine.” 

Leon can’t help but smile back. “Only took me two years.” 

Joshua nods, and for a while, they’re both quiet while Joshua navigates them out of the city and Leon busies himself looking out the window instead of staring at Joshua for once. Ma il cielo è sempre più blu is playing on the radio, which really isn’t all that fitting, since the sky outside is extremely grey and cloudy. It’s no wonder really. Even though they’re in Italy, it’s still October and it can’t really be summer forever. 

“You sure it’s such a good idea with the football?” Leon asks. “I mean, look at the sky.” 

“Nah, don’t worry, it won’t rain.” Joshua answers, not really bothering to really look at the clouds, instead setting the blinker to overtake a truck with alarming speed. 

“How are you so sure? Did you ask God?” 

“No? Who do you think I am? I just googled the weather report.” Joshua answers. “And they said there was a zero percent chance of rain.” 

Leon raises his eyebrows. “I’ll believe it when I see it.” 

“You know, a little bit of faith would really suit you well.” 

“I just like to be realistic,” Leon defends himself. “And just for the record, I never said I wouldn’t play football in the rain with you.”

“That’s good to know.” Joshua doesn’t take his eyes off the road when he says it, which is probably good, because it means Leon can just shamelessly look at him and this tiny smile he’s got playing around his lips. This probably really isn’t healthy. 

—

They end up at the beach. That’s something Leon always tends to forget: How close Rome actually is to the sea. He’s only been here once, at the very beginning of his time in Italy. After that, he usually went a bit further, when he wanted to go to the beach. A weekend trip to Naples or a holiday in Catania. That’s usually more his vibe. But still, it’s nice here. Despite the weather. Or maybe just because of the weather. The beach is almost completely empty with the massive clouds smelling of rain and thunderstorms, only a couple of people walking their dogs are left, none of them paying any attention to Leon and Joshua as they set up their game. 

Leon wonders if that’s the reason Joshua wanted to come here, despite the sand really not making for the best surface for playing football. He probably doesn’t have all too many opportunities to go to the beach. Especially without people recognizing him. Going on a stormy day in October is probably the only way to do it for him these days. 

It’s not really a game they’re playing. Not by Leon’s standards. It’s really more like he used to play football when he was tiny, back when he was still playing with his sisters. It’s a little one on one, without any priests or people of the like joining them. Leon’s glad for it. He enjoys the time he gets to spend with only Joshua and really wouldn’t have known what to do with himself if any clerics had joined them in their game. 

The goal posts are simply made up of their shoes laying on the ground and the ball falls into the water more often than Leon can count. His shorts get a bit wet whenever he retrieves the ball and his muscles start burning after a short while, both due to his lack of training and because of the sand absorbing all of his momentum.

It’s the most fun Leon has had in a good while. 

And- that’s not because he didn’t have a good time these past couple of months. No, he loves Rome at this point. He has friends and hobbies and actually appreciates his job as a Vatican correspondent these days. But spending time with Joshua is just on a whole other level. Playing football with Joshua is just so easy. Laughing with each other, cursing at each other, when one of them manages a good play that leads to a goal. Going into one on one situations with perhaps a bit too much physical contact, simply, because, well, now Leon has an opportunity to do so. In his defense, it’s not like Joshua doesn’t do the same. 

He’s very competitive, Leon realises over the course of the game. It shouldn’t be so attractive. The way Joshua yells when he shoots a goal. The way his whole face contorts into a scream of triumph. Really, objectively, Leon should hate it. He always disliked these kinds of players that were always a bit too competitive during games, who were bad winners and even worse losers. But with Joshua, it’s different. Of course it is. Because his competitiveness, again, is yet another puzzle piece. One, that makes him more human, with rough edges, and a lot more attainable to Leon. 

It’s hard to stay concentrated on the game after a while, with Leon trying to categorize all of Joshua’s actions and appearance into his preformed picture of Joshua. There’s the competitiveness, sure, the way Joshua screams. But there’s also the way he dribbles, the way he looks so concentrated when playing a long ball that ends up exactly where it was supposed to go. He’s good, Leon thinks to himself. Probably could have gone pro, if he really would have wanted to. Because that’s probably also a thing about Joshua. If he really wants something, he works hard for it and then he gets it. Leon’s pretty sure of that. 

And then there’s just the way Joshua looks in general. He’s nothing like the Joshua Leon first met. He’s sweaty and sand sticks to his body in all sorts of places from when he’s fallen down and didn’t brush all of the sand off. They’ve both taken off their shirts after a while, and well, that’s just another distracting factor to Leon. Joshua is surprisingly well built, like he actually spends some time in the gym, which, again, doesn’t fit the whole picture. There’s still the cross necklace dangling between his pecs like a warning index finger, telling Leon not to indulge in these inappropriate, really, sinful thoughts. Which really doesn’t make the whole thing better, because a) there’s that whole appeal of the forbidden fruit and b) it makes Leon take his eyes off of Joshua’s upper body, ending up either on his legs, which really should come with a warning sign. That quadriceps is something Leon could write whole essays about and he really wouldn’t mind- 

Or his eyes end up on Joshua’s face, which is even worse, because Joshua’s cheeks are flushed, there’s sand on his chin and he’s beaming with joy. And that view provokes not horny thoughts, but something entirely different. Something worse. Because when Leon Leon looks at that face, he realizes that he'd do anything, really to keep Joshua looking like that forever. 

It‘s an overwhelming thought. Something he‘s never even thought about his past relationships. It‘s scary but also sort of exhilarating. A feeling that fills up his chest and makes it hard to breathe in the best way possible.

—

They stop playing after an hour or so, Leon isn’t sure, and sit down on the sand, looking out on the sea. The waves are getting bigger with the evening winds setting in and while it’s still clouded, Joshua’s weather report seems to have been reliable. It still hasn’t rained a drop. 

“This was really fun,” Joshua says, still a bit out of breath. 

“Yeah,” Leon agrees and tries not to look too much at Joshua, now that it would be more obvious again. “I’m surprised you had time though. Your secretary said you were fully booked in the next couple of months.” 

“I am,” Joshua answers. “I mean, I don’t really have the time, I’m actually kind of skipping evening prayer for this.” 

“You are?” Leon asks in surprise. 

“Hmhm,” Joshua hums, which doesn’t really explain anything to Leon. 

“Why?” 

“I don’t know.” Joshua shrugs. And then, after a short moment: “I guess I realized that I need to prioritize things differently. I mean, evening prayer is important to me, but I don’t think God minds if I do it later, by myself instead of at church with my brothers. Because this is important, too.” 

Leon’s not quite sure what to say to that. It warms his heart to hear that Joshua wants to spend time with him just as much as Leon does. But Joshua makes it sound so simple, not at all confusing. Not like this is something Leon will think about, cling onto for the next weeks to come. In the end, he asks again:

“Why?”

Joshua doesn’t answer for a moment, and then, when he does, it comes out slowly, like he’s turning every word in his mouth before they leave his lips.

“I don’t think you realize how much our talk last year helped me.” When Leon turns to look at Joshua, he doesn’t look back, gaze fixed on the horizon. 

“I- I felt lost last year. I worked so much and it never really felt like enough. I prayed so much, for help, for strength and endurance and then, when we talked, it was like all of my prayers were finally answered.” Joshua bites his lip.

“I- My faith gives me strength, just like my work does. But I’ve come to realize that it’s not just about that. That I need to balance things out, to make sure that I don’t lose myself in the technicalities and politics of my religion. Connecting with other people, you at first, but also other old friends, my family… Seeing what God has given me, not only my faith, but also the people I love, it’s what helped me to get a better perspective of things. Ironically, diverging from my path has helped me to get back onto it.”

Leon feels at a loss of words. Sure, talking to Joshua last year was a highlight for him, too. It definitely changed his view of Joshua profoundly. But he never would have guessed that it worked the other way around, too. Joshua is such a big personality, seemed so grounded and sure of himself, even in his moment of doubt, that Leon never would have thought he could have an influence on him as well. 

“So I started to make time for the things that are important to me. I cancelled meetings to go to my niece's christening and I didn’t regret it one bit.” Joshua smiles and Leon can’t help his own smile creeping on his lips. This is what he likes so much about Joshua. This duality. One moment they’re joking, the next one they’re in deep conversation, talking about things that Leon would usually need months to get into with any other friend. He wonders if they are friends. In the end, they’ve only met twice before. If you put it like that, it doesn’t sound like enough, and still, this feels deeper than most of the friendships Leon keeps. 

“What have you been up to?” Joshua asks, interrupting Leon’s train of thoughts. He raises his eyebrows suggestively. “Got a boyfriend you want to tell me about?” 

Leon laughs at the absurdity of the question. 

“No.” He doesn’t have a boyfriend. Hasn’t had one in a while. Only random hookups. Well, there was this one guy, Damiano, that sort of had the potential to become Leon’s boyfriend, some time during the summer, but then the whole reading the bible thing came in between and messed it all up. Not Leon’s proudest moment, how he just ghosted Damiano afterwards, because really, in the grand scheme of things, things with Damiano could have never worked out, while Leon still had all of Joshua’s world, neatly written, in the back of his head. But he can’t really say that to Joshua, can he? 

He really wants to ask Joshua about the bible. Wants to know what Joshua was thinking when he gave it to Leon. When he opened himself up like that. The bible, those notes, are damning in the wrong hands, and Leon really wants to know why Joshua gave him this weapon. Did he trust Leon not to use any of it against him, or did he almost hope Leon would do exactly that, to put an end to this stressful job he’s signed up for. Leon highly doubts it. Especially with the way their conversation is going so far. Joshua still likes what he does. Perhaps even more than he used to before. Leon doubts he’d want to leave all this behind. 

And anyways, it would feel weird to bring up the bible, the notes. Like Leon admitting to reading Joshua’s diary, even though it was Joshua himself who gave it to him. 

“I mean, there were a couple of flings, but nothing serious, really.” 

“And right now?” Joshua asks. 

“Nobody right now.” Leon shrugs. “I feel like I might be growing out of that phase.” 

It’s not a lie. Sure, the whole thing with Joshua, whatever that might be, played a big role in Leon toning it all down, but the thing is, that these hookups weren’t really fulfilling anymore even before. 

“I feel like I want more, you know? A real connection.” 

Joshua just nods and when he looks at Leon, Leon feels like he’s seeing through him. Like he knows exactly what Leon was trying not to say. But he doesn’t mention it, so Leon just takes the silence as it is. Tries to enjoy the moment they’re having. And for a moment, he does. He looks at the waves, listens to the screams of the sea gulls and he wonders if they could do this more often. Probably not. And still. There’s a tiny part of him that hopes. That thinks, maybe, if all of this actually means as much to Joshua as he claims, they could make it a regular thing. Maybe once every couple of months, just the two of them, at the beach. 

It’s a stupid thought of course. The beach would be too crowded in summer and too cold in winter. And of course, the winter thing wouldn’t be all that bad, because then they could scooch closer, share each other’s warmth and- yeah. That’s the actual problem. That Leon simply can’t stop this train of thought, that it comes up again and again, even though it’s completely pointless. Even if Joshua was interested. There’d be no point of going through with anything, because Joshua has still sworn an oath. He’s got a plan. One that he doesn’t talk about, but that’s clear to anyone who has watched him grow over the last couple of years. A plan he wouldn’t and probably shouldn’t risk for someone like Leon. 

And still. Leon can’t help himself. 

“I was wondering…” Leon starts and Joshua looks at him questioningly. 

“How did you figure out I was gay? You know, I always like to think that I’m not that obvious about it.” 

“You were talking a lot about your fun weekend trips to Catania. Nights out in Saint Sebastian.” Joshua shrugs. “I didn’t know for sure, but you were kind of leaving those breadcrumbs, you know?” 

“Yeah I know.” Leon nods. That’s what he thought. The only hint he gave. And still, a hint that Joshua shouldn’t have understood. At this point, Leon is quite sure why Joshua got it nevertheless, and still, a part of him wants confirmation. 

“I don’t think other cardinals would have gotten that reference.” 

Joshua snorts in amusement. “Some of them would have.” 

Interesting. 

“And you did.” Leon states, bringing the focus back to his real question. The one he doesn’t really dare to speak out loud. Joshua averts his gaze and looks back to the sea. 

“What do you want me to say?” He finally asks Leon, and he sounds tired. “Do you really need me to spell it out for you?”

Leon’s mouth feels dry all of a sudden. Because yes, he wants Joshua to confirm it for him, to stop this guessing game for Leon. But not like this. It would be selfish of him, he realises. It wouldn’t benefit anyone. Sure, for a moment, it would satisfy his curiosity, but then? He’d still have these weird feelings for Joshua that would never find a resolution. And Joshua? Joshua would have to live with the constant fear of being exposed. What’s the saying? Two can keep a secret if one of them is dead? Joshua has probably already trusted him more than he reasonably should. It’s not fair of Leon to expect more. 

“No,” he finally brings out. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be,” Joshua sighs. His gaze is still fixed on the waves. “I guess I sort of invited you to ask.”

“It’s just… I’m still coming to terms with it. Trying to figure out what this means for me. What God wants me to do with it, why he gave me this obstacle.” 

Obstacle. That’s what Joshua would call it. To Leon, it feels like a punch in the gut. But he can’t find it in himself to be angry. Not at Joshua. 

“Is it an obstacle?” He asks.

Joshua shrugs. “Maybe. I don’t know, really. God made me the way I am and who am I to question his work? I just don’t know if it was a present, a challenge or…”

A punishment, Leon finishes in his head, as Joshua trails off. 

“I don’t think of it as a punishment,” Joshua says, like he’s read Leon’s mind. “I used to, but in a way, it’s brought me closer to God. It made me study the bible more intensely, made me second guess both my faith and myself only to strengthen both.”

“So is it a challenge or a present then?“ Leon asks. 

“As I’ve said, I don’t know.” Joshua answers, finally looking back at Leon again. He seems surprisingly calm. 

“Sometimes I think it just might be both.” 

Leon thinks about the way Joshua put it earlier, when it came to his activities outside of church. How diverging from his path has strengthened his faith. Maybe the same reasoning applies here as well. 

“Thank you,” Leon finally says, and he really hopes Joshua gets how much he means it. “For trusting me with this.” 

Joshua smiles, then, after a moment, he actually laughs. “I really hope this was off the record.” 

Leon laughs as well. The thought of using any of this for an article seems absurd to him at this point. 

“Don’t you worry about that.” 

Joshua nods, the relief obvious on his face. 

“I don’t know why I always tell you these things. I’m usually not like that.” 

“Well, everyone needs someone to talk to sometimes,” Leon reasons. “That’s what friends are for.” 

“We’re friends?” Joshua asks, and he almost seems surprised by Leon’s choice of words. 

“I think we are?” Leon answers, a bit insecure due to Joshua’s surprise. Then again, he himself is surprised by how much he actually means it. 

Joshua just smiles, and Leon smiles back, and for a while, they’re just sitting there. That seems to be a common theme for them, Leon thinks to himself. These moments of shared silence, sometimes loaded, more often, like now, peaceful and grounding. He just takes in his surroundings, the sea, the sky, Joshua next to him, perhaps a bit closer than strictly necessary. But as long as Joshua doesn’t make a move to get further away, Leon won’t do so either. Anyways, with the fall weather, and after they’ve both cooled down from football, it’s kind of nice to have someone so close. To have Joshua’s body heat radiating towards Leon. 

After a while, the clouds open up a little bit and a single beam of sunshine gets through, painting the sea underneath it silver. 

Joshua laughs. Not a lot, just a sharp exhale through the nose. 

“What is it?” 

“Nothing,” Joshua shakes his head. “Just a random thought.” 

“Tell me!“ 

Joshua points to the horizon, where the sun is still shining through the clouds. “It’s just,  whenever I see things like this, I simply do not get how anyone could see this and not believe in God.”

Leon can’t help a laugh. “All because of a little bit of sun?” 

Thankfully, Joshua doesn’t seem to take it the wrong way. When he looks at Leon, he’s genuinely smiling. There’s still sand stuck to his chin and Leon has to suppress the urge to wipe it away.

“I know, it feels kind of childish, to have this be a reason. And maybe it is. But just think about it. To have the chaos of the universe for billions of years, only for it to turn into moments like this. Us both being here to bear witness to this moment. It just seems like too much of a coincidence for me.”

His smile grows even wider and Leon can’t tear his eyes away. This pure, unadulterated joy for his faith is what he liked so much about Joshua in the first place. Back when they first met. And it still endears him to no end, to see it now. 

“It’s like God took a paintbrush to this canvas and gave us this little beam of sunshine. Just for the fun of it. Just because it’s beautiful. Just because he can. Because he is good.” 

It’s a nice thought. Really. Joshua is still smiling and Leon feels like he could hug the whole world with that smile being directed at him. So, of course, he has to go and ruin the mood. 

“So why did he paint wars then? Hunger and sickness. Kids dying in Gaza and Sudan and all over the world. All this death and misery. What’s the point of that?”

The smile drops off of Joshua’s face. But he doesn’t seem mad at Leon for ruining his moment. He looks thoughtful, a bit sad, even. But not angry. 

“The theodicy is something we all struggle with, even fail at, again and again,” he answers after what feels like minutes. 

“You’re right of course. If we look at the state of the world, it’s hard to believe there’s a God who loves us.”

“And I wish I could give you a satisfying answer, but I can’t. I can just say that I believe that God gave us our free will for a reason. That he gave us the choice to do both good and bad, and that it is up to us in the end, to decide doing the right thing every day. We’re his children after all. And isn’t that part of being a parent? Letting go of your kids, letting them explore the world and making their own decisions. And we live with it, because it’s a present just as much as it is a challenge. An eternal struggle within ourselves, to choose doing good things every day anew.” 

Joshua sighs and looks away again. 

“It’s not satisfying, I know. But that’s all I have. The knowledge that I for one can try my best to leave this world a better place than I found it and the hope, the faith, really, that other people will try the same.” 

Leon nods. It really isn’t a satisfying answer, but he didn’t expect one, really. He’s spent his whole life not believing in God, he never expected that to change. Even with Joshua explaining it all to him.

“Maybe that’s the difference between us then,” he says, without any judgement. “You have that faith. I don’t.” 

It’s sort of a depressing realization. 

“I really hope so.” Joshua answers, with a cynical laugh. “There’s not a lot to me if I don’t have my faith.” 

He looks at Leon again, and the expression on his face is so open, so vulnerable, that it almost breaks Leon‘s heart. Leon wants to take back his words. Take away Joshua’s uncertainty and get the Joshua back, that’s so sure of himself and his faith. And at the same time, he revels in this. He finds an almost voyeuristic enjoyment in seeing Joshua like this. Because this is all part of Joshua as well. And now Leon gets to see this side of him. It’s something he’s sure or at least hopes, not a lot of other people ever got to witness. Selfishly, it makes him feel special, closer to Joshua. 

“I don’t think that’s true,” Leon finally manages to bring out. And before he can really think about it, he lifts up his hand and finally brushes away the sand that still clings to Joshua’s chin. Joshua’s skin feels warm beneath his fingers and he keeps his hand there, even after the sand is gone, unable to pull himself away. Joshua looks at him with big eyes but doesn‘t pull away. Instead, he almost seems to lean into the touch.

When Leon finally manages to take his hand down again, he tries to look anywhere but at Joshua, embarrassed by his own action. It was too much. Wasn’t it? This is not how this is all supposed to go. Joshua and him being friends is probably already too much, breaking all rules of professionalism Leon has set himself at the beginning of his career. And now this. His heart is racing, and he’s just waiting for Joshua to run away.

A part of him almost hopes Joshua will do just that. Leave, finally get away from Leon, so Leon can get back to his life, where he doesn’t have all of these confusing feelings for a person who couldn’t be more unavailable. 

But Joshua doesn’t run. Instead, he moves a bit. Not a lot, it could just be, because he was uncomfortable in his position, but now, he’s even closer than before. 

“Thank you,” Joshua says, and it makes Leon look up again. 

“For what?” 

“I don’t know Leon,” Joshua says, with this weird sort of helpless smile. “For saying that. For being there. For trying to understand, even though you probably don’t. For being my friend.” 

“Just… Thank you.” 

Leon swallows hard. “Of course.” He answers and it doesn’t feel like enough. 

After a moment, he suddenly feels something warm against his hand. It’s Joshua’s hand, right against his. It could be a coincidence, really. Nothing to think about. If only Leon wasn’t Leon. If they hadn’t talked about what they just talked about. If Joshua’s pinky finger wasn’t inching closer to Leon’s. 

He feels breathless, his heart threatening to jump out of his chest, and he’s sure Joshua must hear it, too. How it beats just for this. Just for him. 

Carefully, ever so carefully, Leon mirrors Joshua’s movement, until his pinky finger touches Joshua’s. The burning sensation has nothing to do with the warmth of Joshua’s skin. But it’s not uncomfortable. It’s exciting. Exhilarating. And when Leon finally looks up again, he finds that Joshua’s already looking at him, a small, nervous smile on his lips, that relaxes, when Leon smiles back and makes a move to intertwine their pinkies. 

It really shouldn’t feel like so much. Leon is used to skipping ten steps and ending up in bed with guys he’s only just met for the first time. If there even is a bed involved. 

Holding hands, if you can even call it that, hasn’t been part of that routine in a very long time. Which is sort of a shame really, when he thinks about it. If it feels that good. Then again. It’s Joshua. And as already established: Joshua is special. 

And this, this touching of their pinky fingers is not the first step in a series of escalations that lead to sex. It‘s still Joshua. And Leon is well aware that this might be the most he’ll ever get to have with him. He’s surprisingly calm at the thought of that. After all, it’s still more than he’d ever dared to hope for. And really, this feels like all he’ll ever need. Joshua, right next to him, their pinkies intertwined, with the silver sparks of the light reflecting off the waves. 

He’s not sure what all of this means. It probably means that the word ‘friend’ really doesn’t encompass all of the things he’s feeling for Joshua right now. Which still feels ridiculous to think about. This is the third time they’ve ever met, after all. And still…

It really doesn’t matter though. He’s got this moment right now. And if this is all he’s ever going to get, he’s going to make sure he remembers every second of it.