Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Intake
First entry: Oct 4th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Occupation: Currently unemployed
Reason for seeking treatment: Night terrors
Past records: None
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None
Past record of suicide attempts: None

Log begins
Subject is calm, witty and friendly when engaging with intake surveyor
Claims he will "wake up in the middle of the night feeling like there's a collar around my neck"
In reference to his childhood spent wearing a now outlawed "tame collar"
Asked about dreams, subject tries to deflect to my history as a counselor. Possible point of interest?
Claims that sometimes he just gets the feeling that he's "about to get shocked", that he can "feel it around my neck"
Possible diagnosis of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, common among predators
Nervous when discussing parents, refuses to speak of father (Make a note to talk about this more).
Claims mother was kind and gentle, very encouraging of him
Remembers "scouting uniform incident", will not further engage (Another note)
Subject anxiously stealing glances at clock
Nervous behavior is as follows: Restless legs, inattentive, ears folded back, tail tucked between legs
Assured patient he has nothing to worry about, asked if he was feeling nervous
Subject laughed, tried a joke, laughed out of pity
Point of interest: My laughter calmed his nervous habits
Thanked me once time was up, scheduled a second appointment for next week

End of session

Second entry: Oct 11th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night Terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject claims to be "much better" than last time, seems to be airing more confidence
Reply that I'm happy for him, and I'm glad to see him in back again
Ask what's on his mind
Subject laughs, says "nothing"
Silence, subject appears to become anxious
Starts talking about the office
Ask what is prompting this discussion, subject claims that he's "never been in a building this nice before"
Ask if we can dig further on that
Subject recounts experiences during the collar years
Was verbally confronted when entering shops or restaurants where it was uncertain if a "Pred" was working
Ask how that made him feel
Subject says it made him feel "angry at first, then just annoyed"
Ask if the anger triggered his collar, if the anger was at the animals working the shop
Subject claims he was a little bothered, but collar never activated, learned to control his emotions well
Said he felt a little resentful of the animals who verbally confronted him
Asked if he still feels that now
"A little, but I have the right to be"
Ask if he resents me, as a prey animal
"Can't help it, I know it's irrational"
Body language shift: Ears fold back, gaze lowers
Ask about what's happening right now
Claims he feels "Exactly like the kinda person who I used to hate"
Ask further
"Making a judgement about someone, letting it control them."
Remind subject that this is a clinical relationship and if he feels better talking to someone else, that's perfectly acceptable
Subject becomes anxious again, apologizes, claims it would be good to speak with a prey animal, to help him work through his resentment
Behavior: Ears back, scratching nervously around neck, leg movements
Ask about behavior
Silence
Before session ends, Nick attempts a joke, laugh, see his expression shift

End of session

Third entry: Oct 18th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject arrives late today, apologized
Appears very anxious and on edge
Behavior is as follows: Scratching at neck, averting gaze, ears folded back, rapid leg movement, tail tucked between legs
Ask how he's feeling, if he needs a drink of water
Subject laughs a little "Yeah, water, that'll fix this"
Ask what he means, remark that he looks a little on edge
Subject says he was confronted by a police officer today on his way to the office
Ask about this experience
Subject says the officer was a rabbit "One of them little cotton tails, a rabbit officer, never seen one before. Guess anyone can be anything."
Officer asked subject if he could be of some assistance in a case involving a missing otter
Subject says Officer was extremely confrontational, put subject on edge
Asked why this encounter put subject on edge
Subject claims that he is "calm around the fuzz" (laughed at the fuzz part) most of the time, but the officer "followed me around town like she had a point to prove"
Asked if that made him nervous, to be followed. If her being an officer unnerved him
Subject nodded a few times. Claimed that ever since the collars came off a year or two ago he's "had all this nervous energy and no idea what to do with it anymore"
Explain to him he's got a lot of emotions that have been repressed for his entire life, so this is an understandable experience
Subject jokes saying the collars were keeping him saner than I am
Asked him to tell me about this
Subject says everything had to be "smooth and creamy" with the collars on, and now without it he feels like he's become incredibly emotionally unbalanced (Make a note to look into collar withdrawal studies)
Subject scratching at neck, ask about behavior
Says he can "still almost feel it there, like it's about to buzz off"

End of session

Fourth entry: Oct 25th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject seems visibly more comfortable than last time
Behavior is as follows: Relaxed position, joking, easy demeanor
Asked about his current mood: "Feeling much better than last week"
Asked if he'd like to talk about why
Says he found a job that pays well; selling "Pawpsicles" with a friend of his
Ask if he was anxious about his unemployment: "A Wilde knows how to get by on just about anything."
Says business is "booming", and he's finally making some money (Note: All sessions have thus far been free as part of a "Rehabilitation Initiative" from mayor Lionheart)
Say that I'm happy for him
Silence ensues. Nick cracks a joke.
Ask why he feels the need to 'Fill silences'
Confused as to what I mean, explain that whenever there's a silence he either seems to make a joke or become visibly uncomfortable
Says "It's all part of the hustle"
Asked subject about 'The hustle'
Subject says 'The Hustle' is what makes him money, how he can get by most days with a smile and some sly grins
Ask if he's 'hustling me' right now
Subject appears to become slightly upset at this, claims he is "Letting my guard down in here"
Ask why he has 'Guard up' if he's letting them down here
Silence again, notable physical changes: Leg begins to twitch, gaze begins to wander around the room
Subject says he's always on guard
Ask subject about this: "You always put up a front with the collars on. It's a habit. Probably something dad would look down on me for"
Ask about his father, subject becomes highly anxious. Behavior is as follows: Scratching neck, eyes widen, ears fold back, leg begins to twitch erratically.
Starts complaining about his neck feeling sore again, says he doesn't want to talk about it yet
Assure subject that this is up to him
Subject leaves, grumbling about having a good day

End of session

Fifth Entry: Nov 1st, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Asked subject to talk about his father. Nervous behavior. Subject asks for a moment to think
Father “Johnny” was important in subjects life
Described as very kind, loving and intelligent
No history of abuse stemming from father, no history of abuse in family
“Dad was honest like a Mouse wants cheese.”
Ask subject if his dishonesty bothers him
Subject says he lied often in his life, lied to get by or to keep the collars from buzzing him
Said lying was something father would never forgive him for (Note ‘Johnny’ Wilde, deceased)
“It wasn’t the collars that kept us honest. The collars are there cause they’re scared of us. It’s the man I am and the man I’m raising that keeps us honest”
Remark that subject has striking accuracy in regards to this dialog between him and his father, ask why he feels this in particular is important to him
Subject goes quiet for the rest of the session
Behavior is as follows: Hands around back of neck, head down, slow breathing
Ask subject if he’d like to talk
Subject remarkably composed almost instantly, declines. Request a sixth appointment so he can “think about things”

End of session

Chapter Text

Sixth entry: Nov 8th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject arrived today wearing a nice suit, remarked that subject looked well dressed
Subject thanks me, seemed very proud of his clothes
“It feels good looking like a respectable fox again.”
Ask subject if he felt unhappy with his appearance before
Says that with the “Pawpsicle” money he’s been able to dress nicer than before, always felt more comfortable when he was well dressed.
“This one I got from a thrift shop though”
Ask subject how he’s been feeling this past week
Says that he’s feeling a lot better. “The collar used to make it so hard to tie my ties. See?”
Talks about how his father and him had different dress styles growing up. “Dad always wanted me to dress like I was more humble. But I’m not humble, least not anymore.”
Ask subject why he doesn’t feel ‘humble’ anymore
Subject takes great pride in his appearance, prefers to dress well as a sign of his well being, of his character. “You know what they say doc, clothes make the man.”
Joking a little more than usual, tried to steer conversation back towards father, seems to be relevant topic
Subject becomes a little quieter when I ask, sighs.
Nervous behavior seems non-apparent
Subject agrees it’s a conversation he’s been wanting to have, but haven’t been able to have ‘with me’ or ‘anyone’ for a long time.
Father was a good man, very quiet and honest. Worked a watch shop with a partner named “Allie” (Cheetah)
Shop called ‘On-Time’ (Note: Investigate shop; is it still around?)
“Dad always said nothing is more accurate, more truthful than time. It doesn’t care if you’re a predator, if you’re prey. It just ticks”
Subject jokingly admits entrepreneurship runs in the family (Note: Reference to ‘Pawpsicles’?)
Ask subject if his father ever tried to include him in business: “All the time, I was practically the sales department. Who could resist a kit selling honest-to-god watches? I was good at it too. I got this little suit one birthday and mom could barely keep me out of it.”
Subject remembers with fondness working with his dad and Allie, wanted to take over the shop when he got older “The suit kinda reminds me of dad. I wanted to look flashy and well groomed so I could sell watches and he wanted me in an apron and dress shirt, like him. Said it made us look more humble, more respectable. He let me wear the suit though. I knew I looked too good in it. And the girls would always laugh and giggle when I tried to sell ‘em a ticker. ‘Course our business was mostly with the fanged consumers of fine timepieces, but there was plenty of nice zebras or bunnies who would talk with me. I was cute at one point damnit. Not like I am now.”
Asked if there was any fighting between them over their clothing, subject chuckles a bit. “Once or twice, but a Wilde ain’t just witty, he’s charming too.”
Asked if there was any fighting between father and him as Nick got older
Subject’s expression begins to deflate, noticeable changes: Frowning a bit, shifting in seat, impulsive neck itching. “There was some, but the collars took care of that real quick. Nothing like the one I had when I was 17. I remember we got in a real bad one. I was young, full of hormones, god I just wanted to go out with my friends.” (Note: Important?)
Nearing time for session
Notes on incident with father: Nick lied about going out with friends (To a bar?), underage drinking, father caught Nick at the bar(?), brought him home. Argument at home, collar shocked Nick
“I don’t think Dad and I ever got to that level before. You ever worn a collar? As part of empathy training or something?”
Tell subject no, but have worked with predators before as part of rehabilitation.
Behavior change: Subject becomes seems to become slightly angry with me (Why?)
“It takes a lot more than just a bad mood to get a buzz. You gotta be seeing red.”
Ask subject if his father was upset as well. “I’ve never seen dad get zapped. Not once.”
How does this difference in anger make him feel? “I was a teenager. Like I said, I was stupid and a little drunk, and so we yelled back and forth until I was on my tail and the collar was squeezing.”
Subject says that he doesn’t hold any resentment at dad, but remembers the look on his face “watched his only son tweaking out on the ground, yelling.” Mother came from downstairs and started to panic, father managed to calm her down
Well over allotted session time now, ask subject if we can pick this up next week
Subject seems somewhat shocked that time had gone by so quickly, seems somewhat reluctant and nervous to leave
Stopped me at the door, wanted to see session notes
Showed him, thought being called “subject” was hilarious

End of session

Seventh entry: Nov 15th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None
Therapist note: Last session stopped in the middle of argument with father, pickup from here (despise self in comparison to father??)

Log begins
Nick arrives, no suit this time “getting cleaned, besides, I’ve only got one (good) one”
Remind subject of where we left off last time. Subject asks if I keep calling him ‘subject’ in my notes
Ask why he wants to know. “Just wanted to start off this rollercoaster with a joke.”
Laugh a bit. Nick laughs too, eases up. Ask how his business is going
“I’ve got more than one suit you know.” (Implied success? Either way, stable income is good for mental health)
When father is brought up, subject sighs, informs me he has been “thinking a lot” about that night
Asked if he thought it had some importance for him
He said he had later ran off that night to stay with a friend. Wasn’t done out of anger
“I couldn’t face him in the morning. After the buzzer stopped he carried me to bed, I was tapped out. I still remember though, the way he looked at me, like I’d just broken his big dumb heart. I knew I couldn’t face that. So I spent the night with a friend. I wasn’t angry with him, I was angry with myself. And I just needed to be away. So I showed up the next morning to apologize, get ready for work. Dad forgave me, but I never felt good about it.”
Silence. Subject says he’s never shared that story with anyone. Ask why. “One of the only bad memories I have of dad. I swear, he was a good man, only wanted to turn his little boy into an upstanding citizen. Hilarious, right?”
Subject seems to not think of himself highly, or as an ‘upstanding citizen’
Subject scratching at neck again. Asks me when prey have fights with their parents, what happens afterwards?
Ask him to be specific
(Notes: Neck scratching is getting very obvious, something about his collar seems to be triggering his anxiety. ACTUALLY LOOK INTO COLLAR WITHDRAWAL STUDIES YOU LAZY MOOSE)
“When you fight, you probably change a lot, but you move on afterwards. When you’ve got nobody else, fighting with family is the worst, and you want to be able to move on. But life doesn’t cooperate with you.”
Ask subject to be specific as to how. “Look, I told you about the hustle, about how I make a living, about the hustle. Is that what dad would have wanted? Is that the kind of fox he raised? Some smooth talking gutter trash?”
(Note: behavior is as follows: Clenched fists, baring fangs, heavy breathing, narrowed brow)
Subject suddenly stops. Behavior is as follows: Eyes wide, hands trembling, look of confusion.
Subject apologized. Still breathing quite heavily. Ask him to explain what just happened
Looks at me, pupils dilated, hands scratching at neck, obviously bewildered. “I think I was angry.”
Silence lasts the last few minutes of session. Tell Nick that I think we’ve made a lot of progress today. He grunts and mutters under his breath, asking to see me next week.

End of Session

Chapter Text

Eighth entry: Nov 22nd, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None
Therapist note: KEEP TALKING ABOUT FATHER, MAKING HUGE PROGRESS, also have files from collar withdrawal studies, bring up with Nick

Log begins
Ask subject how dad passed. Car accident several years later. Subject was 20. Allie sold the shop a little after. Gave a generous portion to Nick and his mother, said it was “his cut”.
Subject took a few odd jobs to help mom out, soon she was stable enough on her own to work at a small electronics store full time, gave most of his money to mom
Did he grieve? “Why are you asking?”
Explain that this might be important and sometimes being unable to express loss in a healthy way can lead to other issues down the line.
“Mom said sadness slows the heart down. It was okay to cry. It wasn’t okay to be angry or to be scared. Not with the metal necktie. So yeah, I did. I cried hard at his funeral, I cried hard at the hospital. For so long it felt like the only thing I could do was feel bad about it. Nobody that honest deserves to die like that.”
Ask him to expand upon being only able to feel sadness after the loss of his father
Subject looks away. “It was hard not to. I wanted to be angry at everything. A young fox loses his father? And Mom….Foxes mate for life. She’s a Wilde, that’s for sure, able to pick up and move on after that, I don’t know how she does it. She used to say she married a scrapper, but it was probably the other way around.”
Ask subject if he was able to “Pick up and move on”
Subject stares at me, scratching his neck. “Did I have a choice?” (Notice leg bouncing anxiously).
Clarify by asking if he thinks it was a healthy period for him. Subject laughs. “Getting plastered as often as I could, you mean? Alcohol slows the heart down, it’s fairly safe for predators. Making bad decisions, getting into fights. The fights usually ended with our collars buzzing off.”
And girls?
Subject looks at me and chuckles a bit. “Remember, foxes mate for life. It’s not something I can help.”
So no girls?
Physical behavior is as follows: (Restless legs, averting gaze, nervous laughter, red blush across face, tail fanning erratically) “What, something wrong with my biology doctor?”
Assure him it was just a question to gauge romantic and sexual relationships (Probably little to no romantic experience)
Asked him about his sexuality. “I’ve always been interested in girls. Remember, back in the day I used to be one stone cold fox.” (Subject laughed for a solid minute after this).
Explains through tears of laughter. “I used to be this little lady killer I tell ya, promise I’d take them on dates if they’d just buy a watch. Ohhh man, I’d pinch my own cheeks back then too.”

End of session

Ninth Entry: Nov 29nd, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None
Note: Didn’t bring up studies with Nick last time, do it this time.

Allow subject to pace (seems nervous) ask how he’s feeling
Says that he’s being followed by a rabbit
Ask subject to be specific (Note: Subject is frantic, rubbing at neck)
“She won't stop bothering me about this Otter thing. There’s 14 missing mammals right now, 14! And somehow she thinks I’m involved because of a tip she got.”
What kind of tip?
“A photograph of me and him in the same place. That’s it. This is profiling, I swear”
Subject clearly not involved, ask how this makes him feel “Nerve Wracking. If I see her again I’m going to have a panic attack.”
Bring up studies of collar withdrawal. Explain to Nick that he might have become dependent on his collar to mask feelings of guilt, anger, anxiety or fear, and that right now it’s manifesting itself as his current anxiety
Subject continues talking and pacing, asks if he can maybe wear one again (RED FLAG)
Ask why he’d want to wear one again. Says it’ll be temporary, just until this whole investigation is over.
Ask subject why he thinks that’ll help “So I can relax, cheese and crackers I’ve been jumping at shadows for the past week.” Does he have any bad history with law enforcement? This seems more than just fear
“Of course the fuzz always bothered me.” Really started after father deceased. Wary of being targeted by law enforcement.
“Sometimes we’d be hanging around a bar outside, just chatting, and the police would roll by a few times in a loop, waiting for one of us to slip up. You’ve never had eyes on the back of your head all the time, never been followed before by police, stopped for questioning. You start to learn that the police isn’t out to protect you, they’re out to catch you.”
Tell subject I don’t think it’d be a good idea for him to wear a collar. Remind him that he’s likely grown dependent on it, though his wariness of law seems logical.
Subject disagrees (Classic sign of dependence). Says that it kept him calm and functional
Tell subject that he can bring up a complaint with the local police. Prospect seems to alarm subject. “What, just waltz on into the bird house? Are you crazy?”
Stops pacing and stares at me. “Maybe if I wore the collar in there, I could….” (RED FLAG RED FLAG)
Ask him what that will prove (Subject as of late seems to be entertaining anxiety that isn’t put in check by logic)
Believes that it will make the cops think he’s non-threatening
Agree with subject that it might be true, but explain to him that it’s more so he (subject) feels non-threatening, like he has no choice but to lie and keep himself under control. It won't be progress
Also remind him that the collars don’t just perpetuate anxiety. They make him lie
Subject asks what I mean “Make me lie?”
Theory: Lie about emotions, about feelings, intentions, never letting self be vulnerable, issues with what father tried teaching him.
Subject sits down now, offer him a drink of water
Looks at me, eyebrows slanted down (disgust, anger?) “You still don’t get it? I know you don’t understand. Moose's, never had to wear em. Bellwether called you guys ‘safe’. I know what you’re trying to say doc, but you’re missing a big piece of the puzzle and that’s empathy. Police haven’t been my friends since I was born, and I doubt a year of new management has done much to change that. They hate me, I see it in their eyes. I saw it in the bunny too.”
Ask him how he knows the rabbit officer ‘hates him’. Seems unlikely.
Officer questioned subject at his place of work (Pawpsicles). Asked for food permits, vending license, ID. “It was a shakedown, just like it used to be five years ago.”
Officer further engaged subject frequently after that, asking if he could come down to the station to identify some suspects.
Ask how subject reacted. Froze up completely. Didn’t know how to react apparently, this time felt different, felt afraid, like she was “doing it just to get a snarl out of me”
Try to empathize. Subject is defensive. “See what I mean? It’s crap...crap like that. Stuff you’ve never been through.” (Subject is scratching neck).
Still remind him that as a health professional I strongly advise against the use of collars, especially in resolving his police dispute.
Subject is silent the rest of session (last two or three minutes), avoiding eye contact

End of session

Chapter Text

Tenth entry: Dec 6th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject is early today. Well dressed (suit and tie, something go well?)
Say that I’m glad to see him, subject sighs and says he is glad to see me too. Ask why
Says that he wanted to apologize to me for last time
Ask why he feels like he has to apologize
Says he was “doing it again”, acting like the kind of person he used to hate. Judged me without knowing me well enough. “I also might have been a little out of line. I was just frustrated, it didn’t feel like I had anywhere to go.”
Offers me Pawpsicle. Accept (Tastes like a regular popsicle.)
Explain to him that I certainly don’t resent him for it, in fact I feel that his anger was healthy. He hasn’t had a chance to express it his whole life.
“It just felt like I was going to get shocked. The entire time, I was just waiting for the pinch. I admit, I was a lot angrier than I let on.”
I could tell he was holding back. Say that I had seen worse before.
Subject asks about my rehabilitation experience, seems confused
Explain to him that I’ve seen a lot of cases like him, some even angrier, more repressed
Subject seems a little ashamed when I explain how rage can manifest itself in my office
Subject asks if I’m afraid of him (Why does it matter?)
Ask him what HE thinks
Behavior is as follows: Pulls at tie, looks away from me (Some kind of obsession with his neck?)
Laughed and said I wasn’t the least bit scared of subject (true, subject is very thin)
Subject seems confused by this. Ask him why he thinks I’d be afraid of him
Lifts gums and shows fangs (largely filed down to pointless stumps during Bellwether administration)
Explain I could just as easily gore him with my antlers. Subject laughs, shows me claws. Explain to him I used to wrestle in college.
Subject behavior: (Crosses legs, leans back in chair, possible relaxation?)
“It’s easy to see yourself as a monster when you’ve been raised like one.”
Say that I completely understand his sentiment, that Bellwether’s administration was extremely caustic (from a mental health perspective)
Subject is put off by this, wants to know why I think this
Laugh and say I’m the one supposed to be conducting the interview (subject slouches back and jokingly asks me to tell him about my mother)
Explain past experiences with predators, as a rehabilitation counselor (alcoholism, drugs)
Also explain to him my friendship with Charlie, a janitor in an office I used to work at.
Subject is surprised at my longtime friendship with a Honey Badger. “I’m even scared of those guys”
Ask why. Subject behavior (Once more, fixation with neck tie/tugging at neck tie. Very obvious attachment behavior)
Stop subject in the middle of his explanation, draw attention to his tugging at tie
Subject is unaware that he is engaging in this “I guess I’m still not used to it not being there. I feel naked. Well, less when I’m all dressed up.”
Also draw attention to WHEN he chooses to scratch at his neck/pull at his tie
“What do you mean?”
When subject is embarrassed, angry, anxious, scared or feels anything that might have triggered his collar in the past, he mimics this behavior
Subject is confused by the importance of it (Nearing time for session)
Asks me “So, what’s the cure?”
Tell him that there is no ‘cure’. It’s not about diagnosing his problems. It’s about making him comfortable with who he is.
Ask subject if he feels comfortable in his suit and tie. “I feel...I don’t feel as judged. I feel a little better.”
Suggest that he dress up more often, as a healthier substitute to his shock collar absence
Subject behavior: Smiling (A FIRST!!!), ears perk up, tail fanning.
“Are you prescribing that I look dashing all the time?” (Subject laughter, noted)
“That’s too bad doc, because I got my own dealer for that, and his name is Nicholas Wilde” (Subject cinches tie and creases jacket. DEFINITELY A GOOD SIGN)

End of session

Eleventh entry: Dec 13th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Subject well dressed as usual. (Behavior: Crossed legs, hands folded in lap, joking a lot more)
Ask what’s on his mind
Subject says he feels happy today (ask why)
Rabbit officer from a few weeks ago actually apologized to subject (On what grounds? Subject seems a little confused by this as well)
“She said she was just nervous about her job. It was an ‘Off the books’ thing, trying to look good in her new job. She was tailing me because I was her only lead. It was adorable, you shoulda seen it.”
Ask what the importance of this is for him
Behavior (Smirking, sly grin)
Because for the first time, it didn’t feel like I had to be afraid of a police officer. She wasn’t bothering me because she wanted a reason to cuff me, she wanted to be good at her job.”
Just like Nick when he was younger?
“Exactly like that. Some fresh faced kid putting in the extra hours. I took pity on her, I mean, you should have seen the way she was dressed too.”
(Note: WOW! This feels like a huge 180 in subjects attitudes, especially towards cops)
Inform subject of my notes about his behavior (confused, asked me what their importance was)
Say to him “I don’t know either, but there’s been a lot of growth over these past weeks”
Ask him what he thinks, subject says he feels like a kid again, like a well dressed and respectable fox
Add in “Kinda what your father had in mind, right?”
HUGE BEHAVIOR SHIFT: Subject pauses, stares at me, slack jawed, eyes wide
“Yeah...a little bit like that.”
Moment of silence
Ask what subject is thinking about
“I don’t know…..Something about what you just said…..” (Note: Very interesting, possibly all related?)
Ask subject to remind me of his father’s style, his character
“Well, dad was honest. He was always doing the right thing. If On-Time messed up an order, he was the first to let the customer know. There was never any….’hustle’ with him.”
Subject laughs “And that’s a little why he didn’t like the suits at first. When I first started wearing them, he said ‘just make sure you’re only selling who you really are.’, and I told him I was.”
Asked him to go back to the night he fought with his dad, the one we talked about earlier
Subject becomes a little more uncomfortable (Looks down again, fiddles with paws)
Is somewhat reluctant
Tell him I think I might have a theory about why this all ties together, why the collar seems so important to him
He asks, say that it was a vulnerable moment with dad, saw how seeing his son not holding things back might have hurt him. Read subject my notes from before
‘Broke his big dumb heart’ (Emphasis on morose tone)
Say that after father died, and the collars were on, and subject was trying to hide his feelings, it was also undermining the same Fox who had tried to be honest with dad
The collars forced subject to lie. To hide everything, which explicitly went against father’s teachings and personality
‘Nick, ever since your father passed, you’ve not just been in conflict with yourself, but also with him. Now that you’ve got no choice but to face that, you’re clinging to the feeling of the collar so you wont have to.’
Subject is silent the rest of the session
Ask if he’s alright
Behavior (pulling at necktie, slowly breathing, staring at the ceiling)
Asks if we can meet sometime earlier than next week
Tell him it’s against policy to continue this relationship outside of this office
Subject appears very distanced, lost in thought

End of session

Chapter Text

I could lose my license for this. I thought it was important, maybe not for Nick, but for myself. To find out what happened.

I got off the bus and dug deep into my pockets, stowing away my shivering hooves as best I could. Forecasts called for light snow but some creeping frost was already glassing over the gutters, and the wind ran through me like a phantom.

Has everything been foreclosed here? The far edge of town, near the docks, I mean. The reek of industry in my nostrils, the scuttle of newspapers flapping by in the breeze like paper birds set free - On-Time once lived here, and I tried to pretend things were better like they were back then. I tried to imagine the little building on the corner of Franklin with two foxes and a Cheetah in it. With animals strolling by houses that weren’t boarded up and condemned, without the crusting of broken glass covering the sidewalk or the distant wail of police sirens drowning out bird songs.

I happened past the store, wanted to get a look inside but the door was locked. With enough pale and muted light from the late afternoon sun, I could inch real close, and cover my snout with my hooves and stare into the dusty room.

There was a counter there, wearing a thick jacket of dust. Everything was stripped away, picked clean or sold off, and so the vacant and shattered glass boxes where old watches once ticked to the same rhythm of time struck me as sad. On a projector screen playing back in my mind I saw an old Fox behind the counter, a lot like Nick, dressed out in a very modest outfit, leaning over the counter enthusiastically explaining to someone which watch he thinks would best fit him for his big day. No deceit, no scams, a flower blooming in the darkness. Even when Bellwether had been in charge, even when the docks choked with crime and sputtered blood, he was there, some kind of fairy-tale knight to rescue the princess of good-nature from the dragon of decay. I could see why Nick loved him. Even his ghost, real or not, still haunted this place. I’m not spiritual, but I couldn’t stay around On-Time for too long.

It was a ghost town now. Dried up with time. People moved out or they lost their homes or businesses. Times were tough perhaps, and they decided to hoof it out in the country or deeper in the city. I wouldn’t have wanted to be a predator back then. Still don’t wanna be one. But I had to know, had to see it for myself where the ghosts of his past still lived.

As jobs died crime became rampant, no doubt swallowing a young, bitter and fatherless Fox. His troubles swept away with the amber current. Maybe a fight to break the monotony, something to scrap out the worry or anger on his mind until the sweet sting of arbitration caught up with him and he woke a few hours later in a pile of trash, jittery, with the taste of copper and blood fading on his lips.

I didn’t stay much longer. Just wanted to find the shop. I have to wonder where he’ll go now, because it’s not here. If he’s really starting to get free of this place, if it will ever heal. I have to wonder.

Note: Do not mention this visit to Nick next time I see him. Will complicate our clinical relationship

______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Twelfth entry: Dec 20th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
I wanted to ask about how his week was, how he was feeling after last time
Subject was again dressed well, brought me a “pawpsicle”
Said he felt strange. Felt like instead of having to be afraid, he just had to think, had to work it through
I asked him what conclusions he came to
Subject agrees that he’s had issues with feeling like he let his father down his whole life (And by uncontrollable circumstance)
“I went through so many years trying to get away from him and his memory, but it really is like a noose around your neck” (The collar)
Ask subject what he means by a ‘noose’: “I guess not like a noose. Maybe like handcuffs. Just something to remind you of something terrible. If that makes sense.”
Ask what was terrible about the collars.
Behavior change: Subject shifts in seat, glares at me
“I shouldn’t have to answer that.”
Inform subject he certainly doesn’t have to answer that, but I think it would be a good thing for us to unpack together, especially how he in particular feels about them
Behavior: Subject tugs at necktie
“Getting shocked wasn’t really it. Honestly, you get used to it after awhile. It’s feeling like you’re guilty before you’re ever innocent. It’s everything else that’s the problem too, along with your psychology mumbo jumbo.”
‘Everything else?’
“Bathing, dressing yourself, just wearing it around in general. I don’t think I need to tell you how hard it is to have sex with these things either. To even ‘get off’ (Note: Subject drops his gaze to the floor, perhaps he is embarrassed?) “You know the population statistics for predators as as result. Hanging on by a thread, right? I just saw Lionheart making a stink about in the papers.”
Readily agree with him, say that all they’ve done is produce a steady stream of clients. “Well then, you should be advocating for them, right?”
Ask subject what he means by that
“They’re good for business. Keep a steady stream of preds in your office”
Ask what is prompting subject's mood? (Where is this coming from?)
“I’m not in a mood. I’m just stating the facts.”
Remind him that I’ve seen both predator and prey clients
“But which one have you seen more of?”
Why is this important? “Because I want to know why these things happen to people.”
What ‘things’? “The collars, the abuse. I don’t remember being born and asking for one, trying to hurt people. I don’t even remember Dad swearing before but he was dead before he could even yell a single one. We were all cheated out of a decent life.”
Ask the subject if he’s feeling ‘cheated’ by life
Subject is unable to provide a response. Ask if he feels he deserves anything that’s happened to him
Behavior change: Pulling at necktie, leg begins thumping again. “No and yes. I mean, on a logical level, no. I’m not going to hurt anyone. But it’s beyond habit at this point to feel like I might need to watch my back.”
Ask how he feels he has to watch his back. “I feel better about myself, about how I look, who I am, how I’m acting, but that doesn’t mean I’m not immediately aware of the fact I’m the only person in the room who feels that way. Remember the bunny-officer? It took HER apologizing to me before I could feel comfortable.”
This room? “No, just in general.”
“That’s why I asked you how many predators you’ve seen. Statistically it’s more right? Don’t they have a statistical reason to fear us?”
Tell him that I actually see more prey clients that I do predators
Subject behavior is as follows: Confused expression. Quits pulling at his necktie, leg quits hammering
Say to him that the idea of ‘normal’ psychology isn’t a thing I pursue, but instead try to make people happy with themselves, feel okay with who they are
‘The collars have done nothing but make my job more meaningful, Nick. It breaks my heart every time to see what they can do to predators, what predators can do to themselves. That’s why I’m glad you’re here and I’m glad that you keep coming here. This has been building for 30-odd years and it’s my job to guide people through these things.’ (Note: If you ever write that book, you’re sure as hell using this quote)
Subject is silent for awhile and then apologizes (Notice that there is no pulling at his tie), says he was just confused, a little upset
Tell him it’s perfectly alright (Behavior: Sighs, looks up at me)
“You sure you don’t wanna meet me sooner than next week?”
Tell him I’d like to but will lose my license
“So do it off the books. Just a friend thing.”
This would be a conflict of interests. But I’m glad to call him my friend
Subject smiles, tail begins wagging.

End of session.

Chapter Text

Thirteenth entry: Dec 27th, 2017
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Subject arrived early today
Was chatting with secretary
She described him as dashing and charming
Ask subject how he’s been feeling lately
Subject is doing well “$200 dollars a day, got in touch with an old friend - I can afford to be dressed to the nine’s all day.” (Subject is dressed well again)
Ask him what’s on his mind. “Well, there is one thing….”
“You know that Rabbit Officer I told you about, the one who was pestering me for a few weeks?” (Subject is referring to the officer that initially frightened him, and then later apologized to him)
“We’ll call her officer Hippity-Hop for time's sake”
‘Hippity-Hop’ came by subjects place of work again, subject was slightly confrontational
“I said she was scaring away my customers, and that she needed to scram. She seemed a lot less ‘bouncy’ today. She wanted to thank me for helping her earlier with the Otter thing. Don’t know why she felt like she had to tell me in person. All I did was tell her where the guy goes to blow off some steam. I mean, those animals are all still missing, so it’s not like my tip was all that useful. Still, she seemed to appreciate it.”
Ask subject what the importance of this is (Or: Why is he bringing this up?)
Subject behavior: Smirks, crosses his legs
“Because she’s a meter maid. She was conducting this investigation off the books. I know I may not be too friendly with cops, but I know that’s illegal.”
Subject seems to delight in the idea of an officer breaking the law
Says it’s almost ironic that he’s been treated like a criminal his whole life, and now the ‘short’ (subject laughed for a solid minute at this remark) arm of the law is crossing fingers and slipping into pockets.
“And they think I’M the sly one! Well, it’s still true. Hippity-Hop lacks subtlety. Lacks hustle. You shoulda seen her tough face doc. I’ve been more scared by hamsters.”
Ask what the subject did after that
Behavior change: Leans forward, still smirking
“I said it was all gravy with me.”
Ask why he didn’t report her for conducting an illegal investigation?
“One of two reasons doc: I’m still not too friendly with the cops yet, especially the precinct she belongs to. But she seems just naive enough and country-bumpkin enough not to know squash (again subject laughed at this) about how life works out here, so I let it slide. And two, this is what I really wanted to share with you today:”
(Behavior: Subject sighs, stops smiling, pulls back into his chair a bit)
“When I looked at how hard she pursued this case, the determination in her, I think I saw a little bit of myself too. My younger self.”
Ask subject to expand
Subject relates her back to him selling watches for his dad. “Because she loves what she does, that much I know. She wants to make her mom, her dad, her boss, whoever - She wants to make them happy or proud of her. God knows that’s what I wanted from mom and dad.”
Ask if he thinks they’d be proud of him. (Behavior change: Subject starts reaching at his necktie, but stops himself. Important?)
Subject mumbles “You DID sign up for this, Wilde”
“I mean, as far as prosperity goes, I’m sure they would. I’m not starving anymore. Not couch-surfing.” (Ask where home is)
Franklin and Marcy, near the park (Same street On-Time used to be on, just a good distance away)
“I mean, I don’t know. I come from a respectable family of foxes. My work is honest. It’s crummy, but honest work. And I’m a business fox. Just like dad would've wanted.” (Subject sitting on paws)
Asked subject what exactly his job is (Subject has been very ambiguous about his day work)
“I sell Pawpsicles, remember?”
(‘Pawpsicles’ are small popsicles in the shape of a paw)
Ask subject where he sells them (Does he have a stand? A storefront?)
Subject becomes slightly defensive. “Does it matter?”
“Out of a van. I travel around and sell Pawpsicles out of a van.” (Behavior: Subject averts gaze, sighs. Possible point of shame?)
“I know it sounds pretty scummy, but it’s legit. I have vending papers, a supplier that doesn’t cut corners-” Cut it and ask subject if he feels ‘scummy’ about it.
“We’ll pick this up next session.”

End of session

Chapter Text

Fourteenth entry: Jan 3rd, 2018
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

It’s been a mild winter, new coat is coming in
Client appears unkempt as of late. Large winter coat coming in.
Ask how he’s feeling
“I’ve seen better days, doc. Better days.”
Is he alright? Subject: “Nobody wants to buy pawpsicles in the dead of winter, not even in Sahara Square.”
‘Oh, that’s right, we were going to talk about your van’
Behavioral change: (Subject hunches over, rests paws on chin)
Does he think that his work isn’t honest?
“My work is honest work, it’s hard work. I mean, it’s not like I’m selling time-pieces, but it’s something. Mom and dad wouldn’t want me to go hungry.”
Subject appears as if he doesn’t believe himself. Decided to ask subject if he personally thinks it’s lowly work.
Behavioral shift: Subject groans in almost exhaustion. “Fine. Yes. That what you wanted to hear?”
“You do what you have to. You still need to feed yourself, need a roof over your head.”
Does he want to work with me on it?
Subject denies interest. Seems oddly distant this session.
Ask if he’s feeling alright. “I mean, I’m losing my livelihood. And things aren’t getting better for predator/prey relations. In fact, I think I miss the segregation.”
Is it about the newest ‘savage’ case on the news?
It’s exactly that. Officer ‘hippity-hop’ doesn’t come around anymore either. (Shame, seems like we’re losing a lot of progress)
“Nobody is buying, nobody trusts a scummy fox peddling pawpsicles, much less TWO foxes.. Back to square one ‘eh? Time to raise the flag of joblessness.”
Subject begins scratching at his neck again. “And then I’m back to being the son Mom and Dad DIDN’T raise.”
Tell subject that’s not true, and he’s made a lot of really great progress with me.
Subject is dismissive. “I know you’re trying doc, but I just- I don’t know what I’m supposed to do anymore. You’ve shown me the other side of things, and for awhile I was comfy over there, and now life wants me to go back. It’s just like officer Hippity-Hop, who can’t be a cop. A fox can’t be happy. We are who we are, and fate doesn’t like anyone who tries to change that.”
Why can’t people try and be anything? (Subject scowls)
“Hippity tried being a cop, and 14- no, maybe it’s 16 or 17 (all the ‘savage cases’) predators have gone missing or have lost their marbles, and all I can see on people’s eyes when they look at me is worry. I tried being a good, upstanding citizen, tried to move past the person I am, but look how that turned out. At least when I had the collars on I didn’t have to feel it like I do now. Had no choice but to pretend it was all blueberry pie.”
We spend the rest of the session talking about the news (The incidents of predators ‘going savage’ seem to have rattled him)

End of session

Fifteenth entry: Jan 25th, 2018
Client: Nicholas Piberius Wilde
Seeking treatment for: Night terrors, anxiety
Past diagnosis of mental disorder: None

Log begins
Haven’t seen subject in close to two weeks
Subject arrives (Appearance is poor: Winter coat is unkempt, fur missing from around his neck, clothes are dirty. Concern)
Say that I’m glad to see him again, confused as to his sudden absence.
“I know, I know. You’re not mad at me, are you?”
Say that I was a little worried when I saw he canceled over the phone, almost suddenly
Subject laughs “Worried? You worry about me?”
Tell subject that I do worry about him. It’s a very dangerous habit for therapists to form
He asks why I worry
Ask why he wants to know?
Subject implores me not to ‘play mind games’ and just answer
Tell subject that I am an old Moose. Not old enough to be losing it, but that I’m at least 20 years older than the subject
That I grew up in the worst of the segregation. Before Bellwether was even Mayor. Mayor Harbuch, who ran on a policy of transparent oppression.
I grew up near one of the ‘Predator Ghettos’, but not in. I saw predators day in, day out. Even became quite friendly with a few of them, that is until Mom put a stop to that
Saw what would happen to predators when they expressed any kind of natural emotion, when they stepped one foot out of line. Even back then I was too empathetic. Cared too much (This is going in the book) about people I couldn’t help.
And there was no way for me to help. I couldn’t remove the collars. Couldn’t make their lives any better, I couldn’t stop the way people looked at them
Subject narrows his eyebrows at me. “So, you decided to become a therapist then? Not some kinda revolutionary?”
‘It was the most I could do. There was going to be change, anyone could see it. Modern climate wasn’t going to permit Harbuch or Bellwether to stay in office long. Someone needed to be there-’
“To pick up the pieces?”
‘More importantly, I was a young, dumb and angry kid like you used to be. The world was an unjust place and it pissed me off. I wanted to make a difference in it, for all the mammals like you who weren’t given a second chance’
Subject smirks “Why doctor, I didn’t know you had a rebellious phase. Steal anything? Tag any buildings? DIDJA BRING THE FIST OF THE PEOPLE TO THE FACE OF THE MANNN??”
‘Everyone has to go through one. It’s healthy for development. But I never broke any laws, I’m a lot softer than the size and the antlers would have you believe’
Behavior: Subject reveals claws. “So, what you’re saying is, I could take you in a fight?”
‘Oh Nick, I would beat you like a cheap drum.’
We both laugh.
Subject becomes more reserved. Behavior: Crosses legs, twiddles thumbs
Silence, subject becomes fidgety
‘I told you, I took this job because I wanted to help people in the only way I knew how. You’re not as alone as you think you are in the world. Everybody gets help.’
Subject talks a little more about business after this, says he has some cash saved up to get him through for awhile.
Important to note: Subject appears lost in thought
Ask subject what he’s thinking about. “It’s just hard to fathom, someone caring about me. Even if the city pays you to care.” (VERY TEMPTED TO REVEAL MY VISIT TO ON-TIME)
‘I do, Nick, I do. We’ve known each other for what, months now? Another mammal who has so much damn potential but can’t realize it, one that I can’t see be happy? I have every right to care.’
Subject chuckles. “You’re gonna make me blush, doc”
‘So blush, I’ll write it in my notebook you’re a closet case’ (we both laughed at this)
Subject straightens up in his seat (behavior change: contented look, hands away from neck, tail fanning)
Ask why. “It feels so weird to be in a good mood as of late. It’s a strange world when it feels real wrong smiling.” (Agree, the world is a strange place).
“Doc, I wanna thank you for helping me.” Ask about his sudden outburst of thanks
Says because he doesn’t feel as down about himself as he usually does, that “It’s nice when there’s at least someone who doesn’t see me as some kinda back-alley scam-fox.”
“And everyone gets help. You’ll see me again soon, but there’s someone I gotta see, to put things right.” Ask who
“There’s a meter maid right now who doesn’t think she can be a real cop. Someone who needs a little help.”

End of session.

Chapter Text

I see it in the newspaper while drinking my coffee. I’m old enough to still subscribe to the rag, and I take my coffee with just a little bit of cream and sugar. Some things old age and aches afford you, I guess. My wife starts rubbing on my shoulders and asks if I’m done with the cereal bowl, to which I nod and look up into her soft brown eyes reading the paper between my antlers.

“Isn’t that the fox you used to see?” She asks.

I take another sip of coffee and swallow it down, nodding as my heart begins to kick itself like an old alarm clock. Caffeine jitters. Or it was nerves.

“Hows he doing now? He still come in?”

“Nope,” I reply. I hadn’t seen him in my office for months and it felt oddly disengaging. I’d seen other clients in the space he’d left in my schedule, but none of them seemed to be...challenging. Not like he was. A drug addict here, a chronic gambler there. The underlying causes almost always ended with compensation for something missing in their lives. Nick was a little closer to home, so seeing him felt a lot like counseling the same frustrated Moose that looked back at me in the mirror all those years ago. But I couldn’t complain. Not about that Moose that became Andrew the Therapist, not about Nick Piberius Wilde who became the hero-fox of Zootopia. He’s been all over the news for the past few weeks now, loving every second. I admit, he looked good in every single shot too, well dressed, smiling coolly. His soundbytes and quotes all sounded well rehearsed and practiced, but every word of them was truth. Not a lie, not an exaggeration, just something told so well it could have come from a book. The hustle that sold watches, that sold pawpsicles, that same hustle that kept him calm and that same hustle that exposed his naked personality to me. I loved it, it felt new. Not painted over with smug chiding, but actually something new, some character ascending from the ashes of self-loathing like red-tailed-knife-eared-well-dressed-phoenix. God damn Nick Wilde.

‘Officer Hippity Hop’ - Judy Hopps, appeared far less seasoned than Mr. Wilde. She stuttered, she blushed, but she was earnest, and behind those nervous squeaks was a powerful kind of determination. I see what brought them together, why they were able to solve the case so quickly. I was happy for the both of them.

‘You’ll see me again soon’ is exactly what he said to me. I wondered when I’d see him, if he’d keep his word.

Work flew by without my notes. I don’t remember anyone's problems and I need a drink. Not something stiff, but something to chill the feeling in my gut. I suppose it could be call melancholy, Dr. Ingbright might call it ‘Depression’, but it didn’t feel that way to me. Just something missing.

I sat bowing over my mug at the bar near my office, taking small sips and letting my eyes stir up the bowl of peanuts next to me. The place was swimming with people, with heat and activity. But there was a few loners like myself there. A sheep across the bar, and the televisions that hung like moving paintings, suspended over the richly colored glass of various spirits. I was halfway into my first beer when I heard something that made me practically spit a mouthful (so really, half the beer).

“Doc?”

I turned in my seat, and by God there he was, like some storybook hero. Nick Wilde, with the light of the door frame at his back, shadowing him across the floor into a shape larger than anyone in the whole bar. By his side was a rabbit, ears alert and wide, turning like antenna dishes.

I smiled. “Nick…”

And he smiled back, flipping up the round ovals of his sunglasses, wide accepting eyes falling on me. “Cheese and crackers doc, I haven’t seen you in awhile. How you been?”
“Good, good!” I answer, a smile cracking my lips. I eye him up and down, and the rabbit too, both sporting police blues and a utility belt that could make a superhero jealous. “God, you’re a cop now. So the news-”
Nick pressed a paw against his breast. “All truth. Every word of it.”
At this point I could only chuckle a little bit, because I was happy and because his theatrics were always amusing. There was some incredibly strange truth even to the eccentricities of his personality, something that was there before, but not yet whole.

“Nick- Officer Wilde,” Judy cut in. “I know this is probably a really touching moment right now, but we have a job to do.”

“Right, right. Got a big bad criminal to catch. Sorry, Doc, can’t stick around.”
I stood up. “Who are you looking for?”
Nick was on a swivel. “We got a tip that a sheep, last seen in this bar was synthesizing some Nighthowler Serum. Part of that cult about Bellwether-”
“Nick…” Judy groaned. She tugged on his arm, bringing his jagged ears to her face. “This is a private investigation, remember?”

A sheep? “You mean like the one over there?” I said, dragging a thumb towards the corner of the bar where a sheep once sat. All that remained was a half-finished glass of beer. “He was here a minute ago, I swear-”

I don’t think they heard me. The duo was already across the bar, heading for a swinging back door that had just recently come back its final arc, as if someone had left in a hurry.

I watched them run off, Nick’s tail sloshing behind him, the one that used to be plastered between his legs, his ears wide and alert, the same ones that often found themselves folded against his skull. His black tie bounced behind him like a comet's tail.

Judy was a go-getter. All work and no-play, and she she was out the door before he was. But Nick caught himself by the door frame and skidded to a pause, looking back at me. “Thanks again Doc, I’ll see ya again soon!”

And the door shut.