Chapter Text
“I…. can’t.” Ratchet’s answer comes after a long pause, the words spoken so quietly Wheeljack might have missed them if he wasn’t so close.
The ex-engineer pulled away from the embrace, staring at the medic to try and get a read on his face. The CMO’s gaze was averted and his field was pulled in tight, a storm of emotions pulsing and threatening to slip out.
“Can’t or won’t?”
“Wheeljack-”
“Come on Doc. You just shoved your glossa down my intake and you can’t let yourself have something with a little more meaning to it? There’s something between us and I want to do it right.”
Ratchet stayed quiet, unsure of how to respond. He had convinced himself that the tryst with Wheeljack could remain as such and he wouldn’t have to consider the ramifications of deeper feelings or a future together. He wasn’t meant to have those things. Didn’t deserve them.
“It’s Optimus, right?”
Ratchet stiffened and his optics shot up to glare at the wrecker.
“It is, isn't it? Can't let something good happen because what if he changes his mind. Newsflash sunshine, it ain't happening.”
Ratchet shoved the speedster away, frame bristling and anger radiating from his field as he frowned at the other.
“Wheeljack. Do not make this about Optimus. This conversation is about us, leave him out of it.” His voice was tense, servos clenching into a fist as he stared down at the shorter mech.
Wheeljack gave a quick bark of laughter in disbelief.
“Well that's just the thing. It's always been about Optimus. Even back on cybertron- the labs, our friends- that didn't matter anymore because some archivist gone rogue needed medics to clean up his mess.”
Ratchet could barely contain the rage that pulsed through his field, he could handle personal disrespect but the wrecker was going too far.
“That archivist gone rogue is what allowed the dismantling of the caste system! He’s the one who-” He was cut off as Wheeljack threw his arms in the air in frustration, anger buzzing from his field now as well.
“He's the one who what? Let war destroy our home world because he's too hung up on a bot that would kill every last one of us if given the chance? Would kill the kids without hesitation-”
“You think I don't know that?!” Ratchet's shout was followed by silence from both bots. When he spoke next it was quieter.
“You think I don't replay what I could have done differently to change events over and over in my processor when I'm meant to recharge? That I don’t know the war would be over by now if we had defeated Megatron when we had the chance? … If anyone is aware of the cost of the war it's me.”
Wheeljack’s field snapped back tighter to his frame as he spoke again, “That's Prime's burden. Not yours.”
“Well as you were so keen to point out- I have been by his side through every step. I can't unsaddle a millennia of responsibility. I… I can't leave him to handle it alone.”
“But you can handle it alone right?”
“Wheeljack -”
“No. Listen prime may be the real deal. A good leader- pretty good boss. Maybe the war wasn't caused by his personal hang ups. But I don't think he gives back half of what you give him. When has he prioritized you specifically? Taken the time to really stop and think about the bot beside him who gives every last bit of himself?”
Ratchet's spark dropped. He had no answer for the ex-engineer’s question. Optimus was a good friend and looked after all of his team with great care but the CMO could not pretend he didn't wish for more from him. They had spent millennia together and knew each other better than any other bot, yet somehow Ratchet still felt unseen by his friend.
The knowledge that Megatron was out there and their mission for freedom was Optimus’ main focus, he knew that. The occasional lapse in focus and moments they were able to talk as friends was something Ratchet found himself looking forward to despite how rare; but he was not unconscious to his own emotions and would be lying if he said he was satisfied with how things were.
Wheeljack studied the medic’s face as he watched thoughts race behind tired optics before sighing and looking away.
“I won't pretend to know what's gone on between you two these past couple centuries but from what I've seen here on earth? He's not thinking about you the way you think of him.”
“Wheeljack that's enough. Please… just leave me be. I cannot manage this right now.”
Wheeljack rolled his optics and turned to leave, winglets twitching in frustration as he looked over his shoulder.
“I don't know how long ‘right now’ means but I'm not waiting up forever Ratchet. I suggest you sort your feelings out one way or another because keeping all that in isn't good for a bot. I can’t help you if you don’t let it out.”
And with that the wrecker left, door hissing close behind him and leaving Ratchet alone with his thoughts.
He clenched his servos and bit down on his derma in an attempt to ground himself.
It wasn’t fair. It wasn’t supposed to be like this. His time with Wheeljack was a distraction, a way to relieve stress. He wasn’t supposed to care what the ex engineer thought or worry about his safety when he was away. He wasn’t supposed to want the relationship Wheeljack had proposed. He wasn’t even supposed to want the attention from Optimus the wrecker had so easily picked up on.
With a shaky exvent he moved to sit on the edge of his berth.
“Oh Optimus. What am I doing?”
He rested his helm in his servos, exhaustion settling into his frame.