Chapter Text
Hanbin's laughter was sweet and sparkly, as he giggled earnestly at the probably wildly inappropriate joke Hao whispered to him from his seat halfway on his lap.
The group of them sat around the table on various sofas and cushions, and Matthew felt content to let himself watch for a moment, as each member chatted comfortably with one another, minus Taerae who’d gotten up earlier that evening. Since debut, and even beforehand, they had all made an effort to spend time together. It was easy to, as despite everything they had grown so close and Matthew was kind of in awe about it, pretending he wasn’t slightly dazed about the family he gained in a four hour long finale- a family picked for him. His gaze was drawn to his best friend, and he couldn't help himself from frowning a little, an expression uncomfortably out of place on Matthew's usually bright face. Whatever Hao said couldn't have been that funny. Funny enough to make Hanbin's very being light up in the way only Matthew's words used to.
He could tune into the mumblings of Hao and Hanbin, but would rather not listen to closely lest he heard something he would rather not be privy to, and never be able to look his best friend in the eyes again. The very thought made Matthew cringe, for many more reasons than he'd like to admit.
Yet he accidentally made eye contact with Hanbin, who smiled and made a face back, causing Hao to also turn- which made Matthew sheepish and look away from the elders gaze.
Hao was also familiar. They were close in Boy's Planet, sharing a room and team often, yet he wasn't familiar to Matthew in the way he was familiar to Hanbin, as they slowly merged into one in front of his eyes. Matthew twitched.
He frowned, studying the two as his brain tried to list all the reasons watching them made him uncomfortable, but unfortunately the only thing blaring like sirens in his mind was the fact that he was just being weird and he should definitely stop staring with a frown on his face before Hao accused him of homophobia.
Oh god, was he homophobic?
Yujin made gagging noises as the pair leaned in, whispering, and Matthew heard the yelp as Jiwoong slapped that back of the boy's head. Gyuvin started cackling, causing Ricky to then hit him just as hard. His head jerked around to eye Ricky and Gyuvin, who's childish flirting brought a fond smile to Matthew's face. Phew, okay. Not homophobic.
He felt a laugh bubbling at the realisation that he wasn't a terrible person, and scanned the room's eye-line, his gaze hesitantly settling on Gunwook's who was leaning back against one of the sofa's opposite him. Matthew's eyes widened slightly, as Gunwook held eye contact. It was strange, to notice someone watching him so intently, and even stranger that Gunwook didn't have the same internal fear of being caught staring.
Only Gunwook would make Matthew sheepish to catch someone staring at him, rather than the other way around. Must be a Korean thing. Or just a Gunwook thing- he wasn't sure- as the boy raised an eyebrow, causing Matthew to whip his head back around, feeling all too seen for emotions he wasn't aware he was even having.
"Gyuvin!" He almost announced, Gyuvin's puppy like eyes widening as he leant forwards into Matthew's space, never shying away from wrapping the shorter boy up in his long limbs that seemed to take up the entire sofa, yet no one had the heart to get mad at him for hogging all the space, overflowing with his affection for his chosen family. Gyuvin was safe, a middle ground. Far from the almost cocky smile on Gunwook's face that made Matthew want to punch him, but honestly Matthew's been feeling a lot like punching people he cares about recently. Hao specifically. Definitely not for any homophobia related reasons.
Gyuvin seemed to be drowning in love for others just as much as Matthew was. Actually, that's not true. Gyuvin had a boat, whereas Matthew felt like he didn't even know how to swim.
But, he couldn't say it wasn't unfamiliar. Zerobaseone started with friendships already ingrained deep into one's psyche. He knew this intimately. When Jiwoong's gaze met his and his heart softened enough to smile back, Matthew saw it in the way Ricky's hand always subconsciously found itself intertwined with Gyuvin's.
The way he felt Hanbin's presence felt like a lifeline whenever they were in the same vicinity. Matthew bit his lip as his gaze slid back over to the pair sharing the sofa. So absorbed in each other's orbit, even looking at the two felt like he was intruding, and that lifeline felt all the weaker, his hands itching to tug on it lightly, but that would be unfair.
Matthew pulled Gyuvin's arms tighter around him, to keep his hands busy. Even though Gyuvin had Ricky, who honestly looked like he couldn't care less as he got up to refill his glass with cheap wine.
Whoever said idols live in luxury, lied.
Gunwook's silent witnessing made Matthew almost uncomfortable, his gaze felt heavy as he tried to avoid making eye contact with the entire left side of the room, yet the shuffling of the younger boy standing caught his attention.
"You two are gross, I'm going to bed." He announced, causing Hao to throw a pillow. Gunwook's eyes once again slid across to Matthew's, who brought up Gyuvin's arms as almost a defence. Those eyes were much too intelligent for his own good, and Matthew felt himself frown.
"Hyung? Coming with?" Matthew had absolutely no reason to leave other than the fact his skin was crawling for reasons he would much rather not name and instead let fester like all healthy emotions. But because Gunwook was apparently so much better at processing than Matthew, he'd given him an out. An out that would unfortunately result in having an incredibly awkward conversation with his younger- but anything was better than trying to pretend he was enjoying trying not to watch Hanbin and Hao, as comfortable as Gyuvin's hugs were.
"Sure. I wanna watch something anyways," Matthew smiled like sunshine as he clambered out of Gyuvin's grasp, causing him to groan too dramatically and throw himself down on the sofa over Ricky's lap, who without even glancing shoved his hands away as they reached out to his face in little grabby motions. Matthew however felt the exact opposite of sunshine, as he mourned the person he was before the conversation he was about to have.
Gunwook waited at the doorway, and Matthew walked past into the boy's shared room, nodding to Taerae who ignored him in favour of whatever was on his phone. Honestly Matthew had never loved Taerae more for being an antisocial asshole.
He fell onto Taerae's bed as Gunwook reached for his laptop to prepare whatever movie they would both pretend to watch before passing out, hugging him tightly and josling his phone.
"Matthew I'm gonna hit you."
"Taerae you are literally my favourite person right now."
Gunwook muffled a laugh from across the room as Taerae leaned back, disgusted and not hiding it. "Matthew why are you like this? If this is your way of telling me you're a masochist I really don't wanna know."
Matthew only pulled Taerae back into a hug which he complained about to absolutely no end, yet made no actual movement to separate himself from.
"You have literally just saved me from one of the most awkward conversations of my life." He whispered, and because Taerae is a god amongst men, he raised an eyebrow and looked up towards Gunwook.
"Why, is Mr. Debate King gonna put you in the hot seat?" Taerae whispered back, nonchalantly readjusting his phone to continue watching mindless YouTube videos around Matthew's koala hug.
"I think he thinks I'm homophobic." Matthew responded, voice laced with seriousness and slight fear.
"Well, are you?"
"I don't think so." Taerae looked disgusted again, and Matthew would laugh if he wasn't completely serious right now.
"Okay..? Well, let me know when you work that out."
Matthew nodded sagely only to be interrupted by Gunwook throwing a pillow at his head. God what was it with this group and violence?
"Movie?"
Matthew rolled out away from Taerae onto his back, groaning dramatically. "Can we just sit in silence instead? I think I need to be left alone with my thoughts."
Gunwook rolled onto the bed next to Matthew, causing Taerae to kick him in the head, cursing under his breath about stupid band mates and personal space, nothing important, as he left to go sit in Matthew's room, probably. Thanks for nothing, Taerae.
"If being alone with your thoughts is actually just you wallowing, I don't think that's the best idea, Hyung."
"How do you know what's best for me? What if this is undeniably the only way for me to feel better."
"What, do you want a cake for your pity party?" Gunwook responded, sarcasm dripping from every word. Taerae was a bad influence, Matthew made a mental note to hit him later. In Matthew's room, Taerae sneezed.
"Boo, you're supposed to be nice to me and shower me with love and praise and affection for being such a good Hyung." Matthew pouted, readjusting so that he and Gunwook were both lying with their heads together, staring up at the ceiling of the dorm, Gunwook's feet hanging off the bed due to his height.
Matthew sighed, breathing in deeply at the warm smell of cotton from the freshly washed sheets, and the subtle smell of their laundry detergent clinging on both him and Gunwook’s clothes. The gentleness of Gunwook’s shampoo, with their heads so closely pushed together, short strands of dark black hair tickling at his forehead.
They lay there for a moment, only each other’s unsynchronised breathing echoing through the room, slowly becoming one as they adjusted to each other’s presence. Matthew’s heart was beating steadily, his eyes having grown heavy in the five minutes they lay there in silence, and he pressed his hand up to his chest, feeling the rhythm that proved he was alive. Matthew wondered if much like their breathing, if Gunwook’s heart had started beating to the same intervals as his own, and resisted the urge to lazily drag a hand over to place it on Gunwook’s chest. Though, if he was being honest, Matthew secretly thought that their hearts had started beating in time, the second Gunwook was called as fifth place, and Matthew third.
The moment that despite everything, all nine of them were pulled together from across the universe at such intensity he was surprised they didn’t explode with the collision. He could feel them, heating up as they rotated around each other with such passion and devotion and storge. Maybe not all familial love, maybe some romantic love- in the way Hanbin looked at Hao like he found himself in those eyes. Staring at them so much he saw his own soul looking back rather than just his reflection.
Matthew isn’t sure Hanbin had ever seen anything in Matthew’s eyes, never looked long enough to notice. Matthew wondered if after their two and a half year contract was over, they’d all finally erupt and ignite into a thousand colours like they were destined to.
Hanbin would be a supernova. Matthew could already feel himself collapsing in on himself, pulling everything he loved as close to his heart as possible, and squeezing his eyes tight to pretend he wasn’t turning into a black hole.
Then, because Gunwook is awful and mean and very not-nice, he broke their silence.
"What about your duties to Hao and Hanbin Hyung then?" He asked, trying and failing to sound nonchalant and entirely unbothered about Matthew’s answer. For all that Gunwook is, he is not a good liar. Matthew cringed. Fuck you Taerae, for leaving. He hated this conversation and was so close to escaping it. Though in reality, Gunwook was so target focused, Matthew could never run fast enough to avoid it. It was like Gunwook’s eyes always shifted back to Matthew.
"I'm not homophobic."
Gunwook frowned in confusion. "I didn't think you were? Should I have?"
"No!"
"Okay?" He answered, laughter straining through his voice at the hilarity of Matthew's declaration. Matthew kicked his leg out in Gunwook's general direction, chastising him for not taking this as incredibly seriously as he should be. "Why would I think you were homophobic?"
"I kinda hated watching Hanbin and Hao hyung today." Matthew paused, breathing in deeply and mentally cursing at himself admitting it. "Okay that's a lie. I really hated it."
"Yeah I gathered."
"Not helping." Matthew deadpanned. He sighed, bringing his hands up to cover his face from the light, that seemed much more interrogation-like than it did five minutes ago.
"I've hated it since Boy's Planet."
Boys Planet was a lot. That was an understatement. Matthew was constantly eyeing cameras which trained on him like moths to a flame, and in all honesty he knew he should be grateful. Screen time was gold after all, and he was rich.
But it wasn't bad, per se. Sure there were bad moments, but the end goal shone like diamonds behind his eyes whenever it was time to perform, until eventually being on stage had become as familiar as being off of it, and Matthew knew that this was the best decision he'd ever made.. and Sung Hanbin was there.
Sung Hanbin was familiar, Sung Hanbin was like him. Matthew saw sunshine in Hanbin, the perfect older brother he'd never asked for, yet the world saw fit to provide. So why did it feel like there was an empty place in his heart where Hanbin once was? Even though he was literally sitting in the room next to him.
"And I don't hate Hao hyung. I love Hao hyung- obviously. He's amazing."
"I never said you didn't."
"For someone so proud of his conversation skills, you haven't said much at all." Matthew snapped back, instantly feeling bad and frowning, turning to Gunwook in apology, who only looked back with wide eyes which made Matthew feel bare and vulnerable, much more so than the cameras on Boys Planet ever did.
Matthew cringed at himself, turning away from Gunwook in favour of the much too bright ceiling light. Matthew always had a habit of getting to know things so deeply they became intrinsic to his very being, but it felt like Hanbin stopped knowing him back.
They stayed silent for a long time, listening to the laughter that echoed in from the next room, until the lights had been switched off and the dorms had gone quiet.
"So how about that movie?" Gunwook asked. His voice was warm, hesitant, gentle. Matthew frowned. He wasn't used to being treated like something delicate, especially after admitting he hated seeing two of his closest friends interact, to another of his closest friends. He felt like an asshole, he felt gross- much too prickly to be deserving of Gunwook's sweet suggestion.
Yet, Matthew felt selfish as he rolled over to hide his face, half in the duvet and half in Gunwook's side, feeling his warmth through the layers of clothing.
"Can't say no to that." He hummed, with no possible idea why Gunwook was being nice to him right now.
Gunwook was someone that Matthew was aware of. Aware of in the same way he was aware of how he was different from Gunwook. Completely different from how he was familiar with Hanbin.
Matthew's friendship with Gunwook had been much more of an accident, born of proximity and genuine fondness. At first, Gunwook reminded him much more of the overconfident boyish friends he had back in highschool in Canada, the sort of dicks he never really wanted to be close with yet enjoyed for their company. He thought Gunwook was predictable, familiar in a different way.
Yet the soft spoken, gentle boy he was faced with, no matter how much of a dick he could be, confused Matthew to no end. He couldn't quite work Gunwook out. Like completing a puzzle blindfolded, using only touch to map out the end picture. No way of knowing if it was finished, or even complete to any reputable standard. Not even knowing what picture it was supposed to become.
It made Matthew shudder as he glanced sideways at Gunwook's illuminated profile, lit in the dark by the blue light of the laptop. Matthew jumped, eyes widening as he realised Gunwook was already watching him. Again.
He wasn't used to being watched, studied, in the way Gunwook takes an intrinsic care into anything that catches his eye. Instead of his eyes darting away in defeat, back to the movie Matthew couldn't care less about, he stayed, locked in a staring contest with Gunwook who smirked back, raising an eyebrow that caused Matthew to look at him confused and frowning. Matthew was always confused around Gunwook, who rolled his eyes and looked back to the screen.
Did that mean Matthew won? It didn't feel like he won, and he silently pouted the whole rest of the movie, until he was well and truly passed out against Gunwook's shoulder.
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
Matthew woke with drool drying uncomfortably on his face, and his muscles aching from whatever god forsaken position he fell asleep in. The only good thing about the morning was how warm he was, since it certainly wasn’t the overly loud Celine Dion coming from the kitchen- thankyou, Ricky.
He sighed and stretched in any attempt to rid himself of the aches in his neck and the bright morning light filtering in from the half haphazardly drawn curtains, and buried closer into the soft source of warmth that seemed to be wrapped around him. Only when his eyes were fluttering blissfully shut at the thought of more sleep, did Matthew realise that his ‘blanket’ was not only not a blanket- but a very large and very alive bandmate.
Gunwook was curled tightly around Matthew, one arm draped loosely around his waist, almost like a weighted blanket- so you couldn’t blame his confusion- whereas the other was curled protectively around his shoulders, pulling his body close. Matthew stilled. It wasn’t that he was upset, or uncomfortable in any way, not at all. That was probably the quickest he’d fallen asleep, like, ever. But it was strange?
Whenever he found himself passed out in the same bed as Taerae, they usually ended up sprawled halfway across it, Matthew most likely having been brutally attacked by Taerae’s sleep karate when trying to get any amount of sheet. The only other person he found himself regularly sharing a bed with was Hanbin- but they haven’t fallen asleep together since the early days of Boy’s Planet.
This was one of the things Matthew found himself struggling to adapt to. No, that wasn’t quite right. Korea’s penchant for skinship and the lack of hesitance towards sharing beds with your friends, was something Matthew quite welcomed after moving from Canada, where any reaches for hugs or affections were hastily brushed off due to stupid western preconceptions.
Yet, waking up wrapped up tightly by Gunwook, his arms pulling Matthew’s much smaller body closer- that was unfamiliar.
He felt a low twisting in his gut as he gently scanned Gunwook’s peacefully sleeping face. He didn’t understand why he was ‘uncomfortable’? Was that the unfamiliar feeling causing him to frown? Matthew bit his lip as he tried to shimmy his arm from where it fell asleep under Gunwook’s large form without waking the younger boy. He didn’t understand why he was so put off by this whole thing. It was certainly much nicer than whenever he had the misfortune of sharing a bed with Taerae, and he scolded himself internally for the strange gut reaction.
He wasn’t like those guys back in Vancouver. He liked skinship, physical affection. He almost craved it, finding himself reaching a hand out whenever Hanbin was near. But he’d never found himself waking up like this. Feeling small, and cared for, so gently and sweetly it was almost sickening looking at the warm blush on Gunwook’s cheeks, soft from sleep.
Before he came to Korea, if he was ever waking up in someone else's bed, he was always in Gunwook’s position, and Matthew hated to admit that this new outcome left him cringing. Matthew hated to admit a lot of things recently, and it didn’t help that they were all his stupid brain being awful. Like him being homophobic.
Matthew’s eyes widened abruptly, arms crossed over his front as he rolled directly out of bed and onto the floor in his quick get away attempt, before dashing out of the room and banging quite dramatically at his own door at 7 am in the morning.
Taerae was not impressed. Matthew wasn’t worried, Taerae is never usually impressed, as he threw himself onto the bed, mirroring the night before.
“For fucks sake Matthew, why me? What now?” Taerae stood, still holding open the door Matthew very unceremoniously barged through. Matthew didn’t feel too guilty though, it was his room after all. But then again, Taerae was only here because him and Gunwook annoyed him to the point of escape last night. Oh god. Gunwook . He screamed into his hands.
“Taerae. I take it all back. I must be homophobic, that's the only explanation.” Once again, Taerae did not look impressed. Just tired, and vaguely frustrated, and very done with Matthew’s shit.
“I severely doubt that homophobic people worry rather pathetically about being homophobic.”
“Well then I must be an outlier. A remorseful homophobe.” Matthew grabbed the nearest pillow and attempted to suffocate himself quite unsuccessfully. Taerae sighed and looked longingly at the expensive bottle of wine Ricky got Matthew for his birthday, although really he only got it to drink it himself, and was actually the only person who’d drunk any of it anyways. Taerae then sat down, quite gently and hesitantly besides Matthew’s wallowing form, gingerly reaching out and placing a hand on his arm, clearly having decided against wine at seven in the morning- and to instead comfort his friend.
“Matthew.” Matthew drearily pulled the pillow from his face at Taerae’s tone, a contrast to his usual banter. Taerae was looking down at him with something akin to pity, which made Matthew’s skin crawl. He wanted to hide while simultaneously wanting to yell at Taerae. Why was he looking at him like that? It was Matthew who was being an idiot.
“What is actually going on? We both know you’re making up all these dramatic conclusions to pretend the truth isn’t really there.”
Matthew pursed his lips. Taerae wasn’t wrong with his conclusion, but it didn’t mean Matthew understood any more than that. He knew he was avoidant. But he didn’t know why .
They kind of just sat there in silence for a while. Matthew stared up at the ceiling while Taerae had placed a comforting hand on his arm, rubbing small circles into the skin gently to ground his friend.
“What do I do? What’s wrong with me?” Matthew broke the silence, and immediately regretted it upon hearing how pathetic and tired he sounded. He felt raw, vulnerable. And what was making it worse, was that he didn’t know why.
“We both know I can’t help you with that.” Taerae’s words sounded final. He sood and nodded, smiling awkwardly at Matthew before leaving the room to get ready for the day. Fuck. Matthew forgot, they had hours of practice today and if he was late, Hanbin would frown at him all disappointedly, and he would rather die than be at the end of his ‘I’m not mad, just disappointed’ speech.
Matthew frowned at the door where Taerae had left. Some friend he was, not even reminding him. He rolled his eyes and changed quickly out of his sleep clothes into something more appropriate to dance in, before wandering out into the living room to fix the gnawing hole in his stomach. At least he hoped it was from hunger.
He waltzed into the kitchen trying to seem infinitely more comfortable in his own skin than he was, grabbing an orange from the fruit bowl as he made eye contact with Jiwoong who was making coffee. He smiled, warm and familiar, leaning backwards as he took in Matthew’s form.
“You look like you had a fight while sleeping.”
“If you consider fighting waking up in an all consuming bear hug with an overgrown monkey a fight, then yeah.” Matthew smiled at Jiwoong’s light giggle.
“Coffee?”
“I’d love some, thanks.” They drifted into a comfortable silence, morning light still filtering through the windows, decorated with Gyuvin’s attempts at keeping plants alive- his new found ‘mindfulness’ hobby. Ricky made fun of him relentlessly, but watered them with such care whenever he thought no one was looking. Ricky was like that. All quiet acts of thoughtfulness and love, never meant to be seen or acknowledged.
Matthew hummed in thanks as Jiwoong placed down a hot cup of coffee in front of him, before similarly taking a seat.
“So, overgrown monkeys?” He raised an eyebrow, leaning into Matthew’s face, causing him to sigh dramatically, and fall onto the table.
“Gunwook.” He clarified, Jiwoong making a small ‘ah’ sound that sounded all too multilayered in meaning for Matthew’s tastes.
“Ah?”
“I just mean, you two have been close recently, right?” Matthew paused for a moment. He thought they’d always be close, or at least not gotten specifically any closer recently. He looked at Jiwoong, waiting for him to clarify.
“Well, with you and Hanbin spending less time together-”
“What? That's not true.” Matthew countered, sounding all too defensive. Jiwoong paused, his mouth becoming a thin line as he leaned back, glasses perched gently on his face as he looked at Matthew, his expression not dissimilar to Taerae’s this morning. Matthew suddenly lost his appetite.
*ੈ✩‧₊˚
As they filed slowly into the training room, Matthew scanned his group mates. Jiwoong was trying not to make it obvious that he was eyeing him warily, whereas Gunwook was staring. Again. But this time, rather than a smug sense of all knowingness, he just looked sad. Matthew accidentally met his eyes in the mirror and frowned, which made Gunwook look even more upset- almost like a kicked puppy. *More here* Matthew’s eyes darted away quickly, landing hesitantly on Hao, who was for some unknown reason, his eyes also trained on him. Hao’s gaze made Matthew’s skin crawl, shivering with goosebumps. His face was a blank mask, a neutral expression, yet the longer Matthew looked back, Hao frowned.
That was until, Hanbin approached Hao with the sunniest smile on his face, crescent moon eyes meeting Hao’s, which widened with affection as they fell into each other’s orbit. Matthew bit his lip before making a decision.
He turned around and walked as casually as he could towards the two, Hao tapping Hanbin lightly to alert him of Matthew’s approach, causing him to turn around and smile. Hanbin had the nicest smile, radiant and infectious. Everyone always said that Matthew’s smiles were like sunshine, but most of the time, he was only ever smiling back at Hanbin.
“Seokmae!” He tilted his head, reaching an arm out to grab Matthew’s hand and pull him close. Matthew grinned. Jiwoong didn’t know what he was talking about.
“Is everything okay? I feel like we haven’t spoken recently.” What? Why did Hanbin say that? They speak all the time.
“You think?” Matthew responded, head tilting slightly, “We should definitely go out later today then after schedules, yes?” He teased, tugging on Hanbin’s arm who giggled lightly, but his smile turned into a pout.
“Sorry Seokmae, I’ve got plans with Hao hyung today, maybe next week?” Matthew felt his smile drop, as his eyes fluttered down to meet Hao’s who was still sitting, his hand resting on Hanbin’s leg. Hao’s eyes were trained on Hanbin though, full of sweetness. He slowly turned towards Matthew, taking his eyes off Hanbin's face at the last possible minute.
“Maybe Matthew would like to join us? I don’t mind, I also feel like it’s been awhile.” Hao was genuine, Matthew could tell. Hao was always the sweetest, genuinely invested in his relationships to a fault, and it almost hurt more that Hao genuinely wanted him there when all Matthew could feel was low boiling anger simmering against his skin at the suggestion. Matthew pinched himself and looked back up to Hanbin who was nodding enthusiastically.
Why did it hurt? Hanbin was meant to be Matthew’s best friend . So why was it Hao who offered to hang out? Spend time with him? Matthew smiled again. He was always smiling, so it was easy to pretend he wasn’t so bothered by this. He could pretend discomfort wasn’t itching at him, as he dug red marks into his palms, nails biting at his skin. Matthew felt awful for thinking these things, but recently his head has been one imploding thought after the other- until eventually he was worried he’d lose it completely. He knew he was wrong, and that was the worst part. Hanbin loved and adored him, and Matthew’s obsession was selfish, so he smiled.
“No, that's okay, enjoy your outing!” Matthew bowed slightly and backed away, Hanbin quickly turning away and finding his attention all consumed on Hao once again, despite Matthew’s gaze still lingering. Hao however, bit his lip as he watched Hanbin turn, and pulled him down, whispering something in his ear which caused Hanbin to turn back, but Matthew had made himself scarce.
“Hyung,” Matthew turned, almost walking into Gunwook.
“Ah!” He screamed, bringing up his arms in some sort of fight or flight response, causing Yujin to laugh at the yelp from across the room. But Gunwook didn’t look amused. He still seemed sort of melancholy. He grabbed Matthew’s wrists, large fingers covering the width easily. His hands were warm.
“Was everything okay this morning?” He asked, genuine concern stretching across his features. Gunwook was the perfect combination of soft and sharp. Sharp features and harsh lines, yet soft cheeks and wide eyes which felt like they were staring into Matthew’s soul, which was helpless in response, only staring back in shock at being seen. The sadness etched into said features was devastating, different from his usual upset glassy eyes and shaking pout, Matthew suddenly felt all sorts of guilt wash over him from leaving so abruptly that morning.
“Yeah, how come?” Matthew lied with a smile, anything to wipe away that strange look on Gunwooks face.
“You were gone when I woke up,”
“So? It was morning. Stop acting like I abandoned you, it's not like you’re my boyfriend or anything,” Matthew shoved at Gunwook’s chest playfully, but it just caused Gunwook to frown more. Why did he say that? Matthew’s face fell flat, amusement filtering out of his eyes as he looked up at Gunwook, and he could feel embarrassment creeping in. Why on earth did he say that? Matthew was never one to make those sorts of jokes, distasteful, frankly unfunny, jokes and comments that used to run wild amongst boys his age in Canada.
He frowned at his own reaction, remembering the awkward feeling that had settled in his stomach that morning, the ease to melt into warm, large arms, and drift back to sleep. If that was his response, it was an incredibly immature one, and Matthew instantly felt it twisting at his mind, almost like the second those words had left his mouth, there was a distinct burning on his tongue- and Gunwook’s fallen expression only made it burn more. He felt embarrassed, not unlike how his friends would make him feel, when they shook their hands out from where Matthew had grabbed them, or asked him to stop clinging to them as much.
Matthew had diverted his gaze, hating to see his reflection in Gunwook’s wide eyes, wide almost with shock- disappointment like he’d expected better of Matthew. Matthew had expected better of Matthew. “Yeah okay, whatever hyung, hope you slept well.” Gunwook turned, walking off to sit himself between Gyuvin and Ricky, who had mirroring frowns of confusion at the interaction they were clearing eavesdropping in on. His words were short, clipped, but bleeding some sort of aching desperation Matthew felt all too well, but didn’t know where to place.
Matthew found himself watching Gunwook as he walked off, and he felt a small whine at the back of his throat. The desire to reach out and cling at the younger man’s black tank top and pull him closer, feel his radiating body heat from the sweat of a work out, a reminder that he was very much real and not disappearing in front of him with each step. Matthew felt like he had just lost something, and his heart ached at him to find it.
Matthew suddenly felt very open, very alone, as he scanned the room, watching his members laugh and chat around him when he stood alone, after having pushed Gunwook away. He suddenly felt very bare. Very seen in the worst type of way. Like he was unstable and shaking with pressure building up inside of him, a collision of all his various thoughts and feelings that never settled long enough for him to acknowledge- only to explode out of him at the worst times, in the worst ways. Luckily, the choreographer pushed through the door at that exact moment, easily letting Matthew slip into the comfort of routine as he focused his energy and worries into learning the overly confusing choreo, letting the adrenaline of a workout wash over him.
Matthew threw himself against the wall of the studio, groaning as he slid down to sit, grasping uselessly at the water bottle in Ricky’s lap. “Pleaseeeee” He complained, Ricky laughing as he passed it to the elder, Matthew thanking him profusely. They watched aimlessly at the others who were still dancing, in silence, until Ricky leaned his head down to Matthew’s, pointing at Gunwook who they were watching through the mirror. Matthew felt almost ashamed to be watching him, guilty for having his eyes trace each extending muscle.
“Gunwook has this dance down perfectly,” he pointed out. And sure enough, Gunwook’s sharp body lines and accurate details shone clearly. It was the type of dance Gunwook excelled at. Powerful movements which he punched out consistently with his equally as powerful body, and punctuated by his overflowing charisma. Despite his original feelings, Matthew found himself smiling watching him dance, guilt melting away into awe easily, it was beautiful- extremely satisfying. “I’m gonna get him to teach me later,” Ricky continued, but Matthew had tuned him out in favour of watching beads of sweat drip down Gunwook’s arm muscles as he moved.
God, was he seriously acting like this right now? Sure, he could appreciate the aesthetics of a man’s form, especially when dancing- wasn’t that the whole point of dancing after all- and Matthew was a well known gym rat at times, of course he’d be paying attention.
But, even he could admit that he found himself biting his lip as he stared at Gunwook’s movements, fully entranced. Now that was something new. He met his own eyes in the mirror and burned with shame, he looked possessed. This was so embarrassing. Matthew quickly looked up, hoping no one saw him shamelessly checking out his bandmate, because this was a one time thing due to delirious tiredness that would never ever happen to Matthew under any other conditions. Especially after experiencing what could only be considered a decade of heartbreak in approximately thirty seconds, having finally placed what that longing reminded him of. But why? Why was Gunwook so achingly devastated at Matthew’s instant dismissal, dismissal which he desperately wished to take back, as to never have to see Gunwook make that expression ever again.
Matthew had zoned out. Staring at the small droplets of sweat on Gunwook’s shoulder muscles. He quickly flicked his eyes back to directly in front of him, making uncomfortable eye contact with Taerae who was already watching him with the most evil grin he’d ever seen in his twenty two years of living. He felt himself die of mortification as Taerae raised a knowing eyebrow at him. Fuck you Taerae.