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Restriction. That was what Kaiser needed to grow.
He needed to feel those hands around his neck, to thrash around on top of his mattress, and wince in discomfort. This was where he belonged.
It was what he believed, though his body wouldn't let go.
He tried to scream for help, knowing there was no one to save him, and when he looked up and saw his father’s face, he felt every nerve in his body screaming— I don’t want to die.
Shooting up, he tore away from the weight on his chest. Everything felt heavy, the room spinning in front of his eyes. Frantically glancing around, he didn’t rest until he recognized where he was. Grünheide, two weeks away from the World Cup, far away from home, safe .
He looked down at his bedding, scattered across the floor from the episode, and let out a loud groan. His feet were cool against the floor, his body icy like he hadn’t been sweating just a few seconds ago. In a few strides, he was across the room, standing in front of Ness, whose eyes he could feel on him since he was aware he was only dreaming.
Ness’s voice was low, painfully so, “What did he say?”
Kaiser just shut his eyes, still woozy from climbing out of his own bed, and joined Ness underneath the cover he had gracefully untucked once he saw him approaching. There was a space for him, like there always was when it came to Ness.
No words left his lips yet, not until he was comfortably wedged underneath Ness to huddle even closer, using him as a source of warmth—at least that's what he preferred to tell himself. And warm Ness was, wrapping an arm around him to secure the comforter over the both of them so it wouldn’t go anywhere.
Before he could speak, he heard a shaky breath, not Ness's, but his own. His heart was thumping in his chest like a scared dog trying to escape its cage, and he was sure Ness could hear it even if he didn’t say anything. Ness tried to remain impassive to his plight, though he was anything but, already rubbing circles against the bare skin of his back, a touch equally soothing and embarrassing to Kaiser.
Part of him wanted to stay like this, to give no explanation and just continue to use Ness for all he offered, his soft voice, gentle touch, sweet heat, he wanted to reap the benefits of it all without giving up anything—none of the distance he put between them, the cruel words he told him, the facade he let him believe for so long.
But that wasn't his choice to make anymore.
The hand that wandered upward scratched at his scalp in all of the right places, tugging gently on the mess of strands, not enough to hurt, just giving the pleasurable feeling a slight sting. It was Ness’s way of nudging Kaiser to talk to him. If he held out long enough, Ness would withdraw his fingers and everything, the soothingness, the sting, would disappear in an instant. It worked almost every time.
Almost.
Kaiser sighed, the will to speak having already left his body. “I want to go back to sleep,” his words muffled their way out, smothered by Ness’s side where he’d shielded his face from the slither of moonlight peaking through the window. He didn’t bother checking the time, but he knew it was too early for him to be awake, and way too early for another hacked therapy session between the two of them.
When he started letting Ness have any control, tug him in any way for any reason, he didn’t know. It was best when he didn’t think about it, focusing instead on the way Ness felt next to him, their limbs entangled down to the leg he slung over him when he crawled underneath the cover as if he was trying to squeeze every last bit of warmth out of him.
Ness, forever stubborn, didn’t see the lack of daylight as any reason for change, so he continued to press, except this time, he didn’t stop his ministrations, a concoction of concern and gratitude brewing in Kaiser’s gut. Before, he could predict everything about Ness down to twitches of his muscles. Now, there was nothing but uncertainty between them. Maybe it was because Ness reclaimed his autonomy, or maybe because he was just waiting for the day he would come to his senses and abandon ship like he should’ve done from that moment in the tunnel.
Then Ness started, maintaining that sweetness even when faced with defiance, like it didn’t matter what Kaiser did. “You don’t want to say because it’s hard to talk about?” Masked behind the gentle inquiry was a firm assertion, as if he had him all figured out and was striking up a conversation simply to take the piss at his state.
With his bottom lip caught between his teeth, Kaiser let out a small grunt. An answer wasn’t what Ness was looking for. Just a reaction, no matter how paltry, was usually enough for him to continue his monologue on whatever wound he was trying to bandage up with clear tape.
Ness squeezed him tighter, the minimal amount of approval he could give to such a half-assed answer. He was closer than Kaiser would have liked, and if not for the fresh scent of his cotton sheets, he would have told him to loosen up his hold and get a fucking grip before giving him another lecture about how he didn’t need to be coddled like some poor kitten. Not that Ness would listen. At most, he’d back off for a few days before getting on his ass about the next appointment he had.
“The team just wants to make sure you’re okay,” Ness broke his train of thought, as if he had read his mind wandering to the dreaded sessions he sat through. Kaiser felt his brows furrow at the comment. Ness didn’t know the first thing about being forced into a shitty room with an even shitter doctor surrounded by cases of books he’d probably never touched in his life. Kaiser knew because he’d recognized a few of the titles, and anyone who actually took a look at them would know talking was just that. Bullshit.
Instead of exploding on Ness and landing himself a new grueling punishment, he kept to a scoff. “Or they only give a shit because you told them I'm a ‘danger to myself.'” Turning his head towards the ceiling, he let his words be heard clearly this time, reminding Ness he hadn’t forgotten the sting of betrayal he felt upon returning to their shared dorm to a summons to a meeting with the team executives.
His words hung for a beat, Ness’s shifting letting Kaiser know he was uncomfortable, the guilt finally getting to him after a month of holding stern that what he did was ‘best for him.’ He kept his hold on Kaiser, that part of him undeterred by anything, it seemed. “I didn’t mean to break your trust,” Ness replied, any hints of assertion stifled into a melancholic whisper. “It’s just… What you said in the hallway scared me.”
Kaiser had heard all of this before, but the slight tremble in Ness’s voice made his eyes widen slightly. “How?”
He hardly recognized himself when he spoke, ignoring the way his arms clenched around the other’s midsection. Just his luck he ended up having to dish out comfort after his own fucking nightmare.
“I don’t understand,” Ness’s voice cracked with each word, Kaiser holding back a groan at how easily he was moved to tears, “how could you think that about yourself? That you’re not human?” If he were ever to tell him what his father said or did, they’d go through an entire box of tissues by the time he was four years old. It was around that age he learned that some things were better left unsaid.
As for the second part of Ness’s ramble, Kaiser gave a small shrug. It was what he’d been taught, the words beat into him for as long as he could remember. It made him cry when he was younger, made his eyes sting to this day when the geezer brought up the unearthed report from his arrest, but it was his life. It was him.
With a deep sigh, he lifted his head some to see Ness’s face full of tears not even the darkness could hide, moonlight shimmering off the droplets as if announcing their presence. He didn’t want to talk about this, didn’t have to. He was free. Free to climb out of the bed, give Ness a sorry, ‘never mind,’ and catch a few more hours of sleep before the sun dragged him upright for practice.
“Look,” Kaiser mumbled against his gut instinct to leave Ness crying on his lonesome. “I’ll have this conversation tomorrow with the doctor, okay? If you talk any topic to death, it’ll burn you out, and I don’t need that, we don’t need that.”
If the we he was referring to was the team, or himself and Ness, even he didn’t know. One thing remained important. The U20 World Cup was approaching fast.
Ness blinked, a long sniff clearing his nose of mucus that dared to drip onto the duvet around them. Kaiser was ready to bury the subject until the next time he mistakenly went to Ness for comfort, but his plans were quickly spoiled when Ness whispered.
“Is that what he’d say? That talking is pointless?”
“Ness.” Kaiser warned him with a sharp tone.
What they had was going good, the initial awkward phase behind them, replaced with a calmer, mutual relationship. He didn’t want that to change because Ness didn’t know when to quit.
A silence fell over the room, the only sound a readjustment from Ness so his back had more support against the mountain of pillows propping him up. Kaiser waited for a second, then sighed. He lay his head back on Ness’s side, nuzzling against the warmth of his pajamas to sleep before this break started to become a threat to his energy the next day, which was probably already upon them if he had the balls to look at the digital clock on the nightstand.
Ness stayed still besides the occasional rub of his eyes, accompanied by a small sniff. It usually took him a while to settle down after crying, just as antsy as he was stubborn. He used Kaiser’s hair to occupy himself, repeatedly looping the dyed tips around his finger until Kaiser couldn’t take it.
If Ness wanted details, he’d offer them. He’d give him exactly what he wanted, so much that he would never ask for another sentence about his shitty father.
“He says,” Kaiser whispered, staring out the window at the moon overhead. It didn’t seem to be going anywhere, even with the upcoming morning. “That if he’s a shitty human, then I’m worse than that.” Pieces of his bangs fell into his vision, and he didn’t bother moving them. He closed his eyes to the soft pound of the beating heart beneath him.
“I’m not even one.” A human went unsaid, Ness clutching him closer in understanding. He was chewing on his lip again, scared he’d draw blood if he kept at it. So, he opened his mouth to speak once more. “I’m the product of filth and greed. In other words, shit, and more shit. You know what that makes me, Ness?”
He could hear a slight hic, then a small whimper, but no answer. He was pushing Ness beyond his limits, beyond what his soft heart knew how to handle.
Good. This way, he'd finally learn how to stop asking questions.
Answering himself only felt right. It was what he’d known all along, something that would never change.
“A piece of sh—"
“No,” Ness interjected, quavering voice almost completely inaudible. Kaiser’s tired eyes widened, surprised he could say anything with his heart racing like it was.
Kaiser snapped, his voice more hissy than intended, “What do you mean ‘no’?” His nails embedded themselves in the thin fabric of the pajama shirt, certain he was leaving crescent-shaped marks in Ness’s side after the wince he let slip. “What makes you think you can decide that?”
“What gives him the right to decide that?” Ness bit back, lacking any of the spite a usual quip would have. Kaiser grumbled to himself, forced once again to acknowledge that the Ness he knew was gone and replaced with this firm bastard that had no intentions of blindly following his lead.
After a moment of silence, Kaiser mustered up a scoff. “I don’t know what to do with you,” he muttered as his eyes fell shut again. “I don’t know what I want to do with you. It’s like you fuck me up, digging into old wounds, then reach out for me with those same hands.”
As much as it troubled him, he couldn’t understand Ness anymore. Neither his brain nor his heart made sense. He was no longer under his thumb, and still, he remained beside him. It had been several weeks of him acting as if it were normal and he was calm about such a shift, but in truth, he was confused. Ness was never like this before, not even with others.
He’d searched the surface of the earth for knowledge, and yet nothing he’d read prepared him for this. They didn’t make a book on how to deal with people bulldozing their way into your life. Everything Ness did was against the rules. There was no motive, no treasure at the end of the journey. It was just a dirt road leading to a pile of shit, and Ness was more than willing to lie down in that pile of shit with him.
“I’m not going to sugar-coat it.” Ness let out a soft sigh that sent a chill through Kaiser’s nervous system. He could’ve broken into a sweat waiting for the next words to leave the other’s lips. He was afraid. He was so fucking afraid .
His only saving grace was the hand that found it’s way back to his head, as if to say it’s okay in the corniest way possible. Squeezing his eyes shut, he buried his face into Ness’s side again. He didn’t know what the proper reply was.
‘Thank you,’ ‘I’m glad you’re here,’ ‘I love you?’ He wasn’t sure if he meant that. He didn’t know what any of that felt like.
It wasn’t tangible like warmth, didn’t sound as sweet without the honey-laced tone. The words lost all meaning once they crossed his brain and sat on the tip of his tongue, where they’d stay.
Ness didn’t seem to hesitate, a master at emotions, feelings, and whatever else fell under the umbrella for his ‘magic’. With one arm secured across his back, the other smoothing over his messy mane, he continued, “You need help, Kaiser. More help than I can give you in bed a few nights, but there’s a reason you came to me.”
Bile burned in Kaiser’s throat, the drop of his stomach and grit of his teeth only causing Ness to hum. Ness didn’t care if Kaiser got frustrated anymore, even if the anger was directed at him. “You could have left,” he dragged on, “You know just as well as I do that you’re making a choice to be with me, not just tonight, but every night something goes wrong you make your way over here, and we do this song and dance where you pretend nothing I’m telling you matters until you’re fast asleep in my arms.”
Kaiser bit the inside of his cheek as Ness spoke. He was a lot of things, but never a liar. What Ness observed was the honest truth, how they’d operated ever since that moment in the tunnel. “So?” He grumbled into Ness’s side, defeat already at his door. “What are you trying to say?”
He expected Ness to sigh again, go on another tangent, and finally give up, maybe even push him away for good to spare himself the trouble, but if the night told him anything, he was shit at predicting Ness’s behavior.
Carding fingers through matted hair, Ness murmured, “Only you know what it means, Kaiser.” He could hear the dejected smile across his lips, his chest tightening with shame. "When you figure it out, I’ll be here.”
Kaiser felt his mouth go dry, the spew he’d prepped fleeing his mind just that easily. There Ness went saying something sappy and confusing him even more, like he got a kick out of throwing him off guard.
“Whatever the fuck that means,” Kaiser muttered, stale bitterness quickly dying on his tongue. Ness was too comfortable for him to get up now; his only option was to huddle closer to him as a statement that he wasn’t going anywhere. “Goodnight, Alexis.”
He felt his body relax with those words, only now realizing he was the one clinging to Ness like a leech, Ness’s hold loose and gentle. Ness didn’t mention it to prove a point or urge him to squeeze again.
He just smiled, and in that mellow hum replied, “Goodnight, Micahel.”