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It was painful, it was messy, it was heart wrenching.
There was so much blood, and so many stitches. Kaminari had lost count half way through, no longer able to see through his glazed over eyes. His brain, a mess of past and present screams.
Now it’s quiet…
He's sitting out on the balcony, letting the cold December air numb his prickling skin. He needs to feel something, anything, even if it means crawling out of his skin. The residual panic still thunders in his veins, even though the adrenaline has long since faded.
He stares out across the city, mind empty for the first time since Shinso had returned home face pale and clothes bloodied as he’d collapsed in the hallway without so much as a greeting, only an I’m sorry at his lips.
It'd taken an hour to fully stop the bleeding, another to disinfect it all, taking extra time on the particularly sore parts, trying his best to speak through his tears and keep Shinso present and talking as best he could, though he had been fading in and out far too much for his liking. His frantic hands desperate to fix it all, every cut, every slash, every graze, nausea curling in his stomach.
He'd never seen anything like this.
Not in their home, usually they bleed out in the hospital, usually it was him.
But this time it was Shinso.
With his wounds cleaned and stitched, and exhausted body put to bed, Kaminari still found himself wired and panicky, moving out the sliding doors in their bedroom that leads to their balcony. It's small, and full of unwatered plants, but Kaminari often finds himself sitting out here after nights like these, the hum of the distant cars and city lights a soft reminder that there's people out there, the people they keep safe.
He’s not sure if it’s worth it.
He’s not sure how many more times he can do this.
His shaky hand taps nervously at his leg, trying desperately to expel the remaining panic. It had been bad, one of the worst, and they’ve been doing this for a long time.
He knows he should be thankful that Shinso got the guy, but a part of him wishes he had simply let them go, maybe he would’ve been spared and wouldn’t have been left bleeding out on their freshly cleaned floors.
An ugly unheroic part of him wishes Shinso could’ve killed him.
He shakes that nasty thought away quickly, taking a moment to remind himself it’s okay, he’s safe, they’ve done this before, it’s not the worst it’s been.
But it still leaves him haunted.
He thinks about calling someone, Kirishima, Sero or even Mina but it’s late, far too late for them to pick up.
He doesn’t want to wake them.
And so he sits, doing nothing in particular, just watching the cars and motorbikes race down the street far below them, carefree and joyful as they go, weaving in and out of each other. Kaminari thinks, if he really listens he can hear their shared laughter.
How long has it been since he’s been carefree like that? He wonders. Has he ever felt like that?
His attempts to think of past happier times are broken by his phone buzzing in his pocket, he pulls himself out of his mind to stare down at the contact name. It's Aizawa, he was there tonight, he’d seen it, couldn’t stop it, the thought makes him feel sick.
Still he answers.
“Hello?” he rasps.
“Kaminari, are you okay?”
“Oh yeah,” he laughs humourlessly, “Shinso’s fine, he’s asleep, I patched him up, he's not bleeding anymore. I’ll give you an update in the morning,”
“That’s not what I asked, kid,” Aizawa sighs, he sounds exhausted, maybe even more so than him, “I asked if you’re okay,”
Kaminari frowns, deep confusion muddling his features, “why would you ask that? I'm not the one who went out tonight, I’m not the one who saw it.”
“I know, kid. But it’s not easy facing the aftermath, especially ones like tonight,” he tells him, voice quiet down the line, Kaminari wonders if Mic is there, asleep beside him and he’s keeping quiet because of how deep into the night it is, “it takes its toll, Kaminari,”
“Yeah,” he whispers, voice wobbling dangerously as the tears begin to gather in his throat, all of the residual terror and panic finally threatening to escape and come out in one ugly lump for Aizawa to see, “y-yeah it does,”
“I can’t give you any words of advice, you’ve done everything right. But don’t sit on your own with this, call someone, or hell, tell me,”
He hesitates for a moment, pulling the phone away from his ear with shaky hands as he attempts to clear his throat of the tears that’re strangling him.
“I don’t know how much longer I can do this,” he admits into the quiet of the night, feeling the weight of his words echo against the neighbouring buildings, “when it’s me, when I get hurt, it’s okay, it’s usually my own fault,” he tries to laugh but it turns into a sob before he can stop it, “but when it’s him…”
A pained whine escapes from his chest as he leans forwards, burying his face into his knees, letting the fabric of his sweatpants soak up the tears he can no longer stop. He takes a few shuddering breaths before speaking again, “when it’s him, when it’s Shinso, I-”
“It’s different,” Aizawa finishes sadly, “it always hurts more when it’s someone you love, Kaminari,”
“I wish things were different,” Kaminari admits, he loves his job, he loves being a hero, lives for it, he knows that Shinso does too, they’d never give it up, not for anything, they’d worked so hard for it. Hell would freeze over before they’d be able to let it all go, but sometimes Kaminari wishes they could.
“You don’t really mean that, you’re just upset,” Aizawa understands, he’s been doing this far longer than he has.
Kaminari knows Aizawa sees and understands it all, the headaches, the panic, the blood stained bathrooms at all kinds of hours, the shaky hands and sleepless nights that follow. He’s been there, he’s lived it for far longer than he has, it only serves to make him feel worse.
“It’s okay to be upset right now. Tonight was hard, one of the hardest, Hizashi said he was going to bed as soon as we got home, but I heard him crying in the shower earlier, it hits us all in different ways, but bottling it up and letting it shake you like this, it won’t end well Kaminari, it’s not sustainable, you need to find a way to cope,”
“I know,” he sniffles sadly.
“You can’t just sit on your balcony and overthink everything until the sun rises,”
That catches his attention, “h-how did you-”
“You’re dating my son,” Aizawa says simply, “plus he asked me to call you tonight,”
“What? but I- he’s asleep,”
Before he has a chance to kick his mind into gear, he feels something warm and soft fall over his shoulders, offering respite from the bitter cold of the late night. A kiss is pressed to his forehead as he looks up through his eyelashes to meet a pair of heavy purple eyes. His partner presses another kiss to the crown of his head, moving to brush his hands through yellow strands before moving to sit next to Kaminari, wincing as the bandages and stitches pull when he moves.
Before he forgets that Aizawa’s on the end of the line, his voice rings through the phone, “take care of yourself Kaminari. Let yourself rest, you did well,”
The call ends and Kaminari can’t stop staring vacantly at the man next to him, not really seeing him, mind clouded by the sudden shock and confusion of why Shinso is up at this time, why he’d told his dad to call him, why he’s sitting outside in the cold with his upset partner on a cold December night when he could be, and deserves to be curled up in the soft comforts of their bed.
Shinso reaches up and gently pulls the phone from Kaminari's tight grip, tugging gently a few times before he's able to release the phone from his frozen fingers. He watches, eyes still empty as Shinso places the phone down next to them before curling his warm hands around his icy ones, smiling softly at him.
“Are you with me?” he asks into the silence of the night.
It takes him a moment to register that he’s being spoken to, that the question is directed at him, and that he should probably answer it. It takes him another moment to remember how his lips, tongue and voice work as his eyes finally meet those dark purple ones with heavy and tired bags underneath them. The eyes of the one he loves, the one he almost lost tonight.
“You’re..”
“I am. I'm here. I'm awake and I'm sitting here with you, Denki,” Shinso says softly as he rubs his thumbs over the back of his hands.
“But you’re…” he tries again, voice and mind failing to work with each other for a second time, “how did you..”
“I never sleep well after patrols like this one,” he admits, “you’re also out here, and not in there, with me,”
“Sorry,”
“Don't apologise, please don’t do that,” he says, sounding saddened by one simple word, as he leans over and presses a kiss to his temple, “don’t be sorry for taking time to process things, tonight was …”
Kaminari watches as Shinso trails off, unable to stop himself from thinking back to what had happened, neither of them want to talk about it, or even think about it. Kaminari feels his heart ache all over again as he watches Shinso's eyes begin to glass over.
“It was,” he agrees, “but it’s okay now, right?”
He’s trying, so desperately trying to pull his back, to hold things together, for Shinso, for them both.
Shinso's lips quirk into a sad attempt of a smile, “it is, but that doesn’t mean that you are,”
Kaminari’s heart stops at the realisation that Shinso can see through him, see and understand his heartache, his desperate attempts to make things okay, trying to process whatever this is quietly, away from him so that he doesn’t have to see it.
“I don’t know what to say,” he whispers, “only that I love you, and that I was so worried,”
Kaminari’s so exhausted he can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed by the floods of tears he’s just burst into. Shinso’s quick to gather him up in his arms, holding him close and letting his head rest near his heart, not minding the countless stitches and bruises that protest under his soft cotton shirt.
“I know, I know,” he whispers, pain colouring his voice, "I hate to worry you like this,”
He shrugs the best he can from the confines of Shinso’s strong arms, “it’s not your fault, I’m just overreacting,”
“No Denki, tonight was fucking horrible, just because I’m the injured one, doesn’t mean that you’re not hurting too,”
The truth of his partner's comment pulls something painful in his chest.
It was horrible, and he is hurting.
They’re both hurting.
He swallows carefully and nods, unable to say anything more. He's exhausted, it’s late and they should’ve been in bed hours ago.
Safe and warm, curled up together.
and not hurting.
To his surprise Shinso continues, “I could see it in you, tonight. The fear, the look of wanting to give all of this up, leave it all behind, everything you’ve dreamed of for so long. It scared me, that’s why I asked my dad to call you, I thought he’d be able to help,”
“He did,” he smiles softly, touched by his partners care for him, “thank you,”
“I love you, Denki,” he whispers, gently pressing a kiss to the crown of his head, slowly moving down to his lips, “tomorrow will be different,”
“You can’t know that,” he sniffles sadly, reaching up to meet his chapped lips with his salty ones.
The kiss they share is slow and soft, full of reassurances and promises to protect each other, especially on nights like these. Kaminari’s chest blooms with a warmth, the same way it had when they’d shared their first kiss, all those years ago in Kaminari’s high school dorm.
Things had seemed so much easier then.
He misses it sometimes.
“I don’t know that,” Shinso affirms, pressing another kiss to his lips, “but even if it’s not better, we’ll be okay, I know that,”
It's not much, but the reassurance that they’ll be okay, melts away the remaining and agonising buzz of panic under his skin, excess volts finally mellowing as his joints weigh heavy and he finally lets himself fall fully into Shinso’s chest, who pulls him closer.
“Let’s go to bed,” he whispers.
“I won’t sleep,” Kaminari admits quietly, as bone tired as he is, his mind is still in hyper alert, he couldn’t even imagine feeling safe and calm enough to sleep just yet.
“Do you know who you’re talking to?” Shinso smiles, “we don’t have to sleep, but our bed is far more comfortable and warm than out here,”
“And safe,” Kaminari adds, liking the idea of crawling into the soft and warm comforts of their bed more and more.
“And safe,” his partner confirms, as he slowly uncurls his limbs from around him, and moves to stand on stiff and unsteady legs, reaching down to offer his hands to Kaminari, smiling softly as he takes them.
The early signs of dawn appear on the far ends of the city as they slowly make their way back inside and towards their bed. The soft white sheets and abundance of blankets, warm and inviting, a safe haven from the last few hours.
They crawl underneath the covers, immediately seeking each other out and clinging to one another, the coolness of their limbs entwining making them shiver against the sheets. They smile softly and tiredly at each other, as Shinso turns on the TV in their bedroom, serving as a soft background noise, so the silence doesn’t feel so loud, not letting their tired minds stray too far away from the present.
They speak quietly between the pillows, soft kisses exchanged and love surrounding them, until Kaminari’s eyes struggle to stay open any longer, his heavy blinks get longer and longer, and Shinso laughs sweetly at him.
“Just go to sleep, baby. Everything will be okay,” he promises, bringing their tangled hands up to his lips once more.
“Love you, Toshi,” Kaminari mumbles, finally allowing his eyes to close fully, as he shifts a little closer, letting Shinso pull him even closer, guiding his head to rest on his shoulder.
“I love you too,” he smiles.
Shinso listens to the TV playing quietly in the background, accompanied by the soft breaths as his partner slowly falls asleep, before finally allowing his own tired eyes to close, and tension to leave his body, letting the heavy weight of sleep pull him under.
“Sleep well Kaminari Denki, my hero,”