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Hitoshi considered himself good at taking everything with a grain of salt. Really, he was. He knew when he was being ridiculous, and he knew how to talk himself down.
This was different, though.
It had been a lingering thought, since the beginning of their relationship. It was always in the back of his head. Something that stuck with him.
Katsuki and Eijirou would always be closer; they would always have more of a bond than he would have with either of them.
It was always Katsuki and Eijirou, hell, everyone knew that. Their friends, the public.
It was an easy enough thought to leave in the back of his head, even if it continued to linger. If it wasn’t at the front of his focus, he would be fine.
“Remember that, Hitoshi?”
It just seemed to be at the front of his focus a lot lately.
Hitoshi blinked, bringing his attention back to his boyfriend. He had zoned out. They’d gone into some story about something that happened in first year. Eijirou was looking at him, expectantly. Smiling.
“Uh, no. Sorry. Don’t think I was there for that.”
It wasn’t an unusual situation, infact, it happened a lot more than Hitoshi liked to think about. One of them would go into a story, and seem to forget, he wasn’t there. They had all these memories together, something that Hitoshi didn’t share with them.
Something he hadn’t been able to have, because he wasn’t good enough to get into that stupid class his first try.
“Oh, no? Sorry. Uh. Could’ve sworn..” Eijirou furrowed his brows, seemingly trying to sort through his memory. Clarify.
“No, yeah.” Katsuki chimed in. “That was just us, Ei.”
Hitoshi shrugged, dragging his gaze from the other two boys. An awkward silence always followed this. Like none of them knew what to say after that. The other two would get this look on their face. Like guilt, maybe. He wasn’t sure.
The conversation picked back up, but Hitoshi didn't bother chiming back in. They didn’t need him to, it was clear. They could hold the conversation alone.
Hell, he should expect that. They had to do it all the time, when he was gone on missions.
It was more of that time they got together. That he wasn’t there for. That he would miss out on. The dates they could—would have without him.
He wasn’t stupid, and even if he was, it was impossible to miss the news articles.
It wasn’t uncommon for ‘DynaRiot’ to be trending on twitter. Hitoshi knew, he’d stalked the tag vigorously when it was trending. Hoping that someone, at some point, would ever mention him. It didn’t even have to be him that was being mentioned, just someone remembering that they had another person in the relationship. It wasn’t just them.
He couldn’t even be mad about it, though.
He was gone a lot. And when he was back, he wasn’t always the greatest to be around. Especially during those first few weeks. He didn’t wanna go out, he wasn’t particularly social, he barely wanted to do anything that involved staying in, really.
They probably valued that time when he was gone, and he couldn’t blame them.
He wondered when they’d realize they were better off without him. They had more memories together, they got along better, they were closer. Hitoshi was like a third wheel in his own relationship. Someone they let hang around them, for what? Why?
Why would they even wanna keep him around?
He didn’t even act like a boyfriend.
Katsuki nudged his knee with his own, pulling Hitoshi from his thoughts, again.
He gave Hitoshi a small smile, that smile that made his worries cease for a moment, and made him feel like it was okay.
“Did you catch any of that, eyebags?”
“No, sorry. What’s up?”
Katsuki rolled his eyes, and maybe, if Hitoshi had looked a little longer, he would’ve caught the concern behind them. He didn’t, though, looking back down to his food.
“Shitty hair and I were thinking we could go catch a movie tonight. For your last night?”
“I need to get ready before I go,” He wasn’t in the mood to add more third wheeling in his own relationship. He was sure it would be better if they went alone, anyway.
He didn’t look up, because he knew Eijirou would be giving him that look. Pity. He didn’t want it.
“Alright, uh, maybe when you get back then?” Eijirou offered.
“You guys go. It’s not a big deal,” He tried to offer them a smile, pulling himself from his chair and taking care of his plate; despite barely actually touching his food.
He wasn’t sure when it had switched—he stopped counting down the days until he would get back from his missions, and instead, started counting back the days until he would have his next mission.
He wasn’t sure why. He came back more fucked up everytime, and yet, the escape felt better than realizing he was losing the loves of his life. That he would never truly be as close as they were, and letting himself be pushed out for that reason.
It was easier that way, they would realize their relationship would be better without him, it wasn’t worth it for him to fight that.
His missions are shit. His typical life is shit. He’s not sure he really has anywhere he can feel at home. Anywhere he actually feels safe—secure.
When did everything that came with a mission start to feel better than being with his favorite people?
When did he start to dread coming back, more than leaving?
He figured it was around the same time he stopped being able to push that thought into the back of his head. When it started sitting up front, all the time. Itching at him. But when did that even start?
Maybe, it was when they’d started talking about their memories in 1A more often.
Or when they’d started to end up on the front pages of newspapers commonly.
Or that first time he’d been away for several months, while they’d continued life without him.
Maybe, he’d been doomed to this from the beginning. He never had a chance, he’d never been ready. But they were, they were ready before he even came along. Ready for each other.
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His mission wasn’t the ‘get away’ he always held it to, obviously. It never was. It just made him feel worse. The things he saw—the way he’d forget who he was.
He couldn’t stand to look in the mirror when he was undercover, and honestly, it made it hard to look in the mirror when he got back, too.
Hitoshi considered himself a man with good self control. Look at his line of work.
Everyone had their spots, in his defense. He’d been gone nearly a month, now. When he was on a mission, he got a burner phone, of course. To communicate with his boss. He was allowed very minimal contact with people from his life sometimes—through pay phones, not using his burner—, but that was on longer missions, not like this one. So, he hadn’t heard from Katsuki or Eijirou. Which he was used to.
He, however, wasn’t used to being this in his head about it. Now, despite the list of reasons he shouldn’t be doing this, he found himself logging into his social medias.
That itch in his brain just wouldn’t turn off. He needed to see them, proof that they missed him. That everything wasn’t the same with him gone.
He should’ve known better, honestly. It was his own fault.
Katsuki didn’t post much on instagram, or social media, really—he never had. He ran two accounts; a public, and a private. The public was as dry as usual, and it brought some form of.. comfort, to Hitoshi. Even as guilt settled in his stomach for that.
His private had a recent ‘dump’, though. And Hitoshi scrolled through every photo. Some class 1A reunion. There was one photo of him dancing with Eijirou, and another with him pressing a kiss to Katsuki’s cheek. Romantic photos aside, it was clear they were having fun. He went to Eijirou’s private next—and he used it far more than Katsuki did.
He didn’t care about the typical photos—who was he to be mad over his boyfriend simply using social media?—it was just the photos of them without him. Still living life. Like he wasn’t even gone.
It was unfair, he knew, to expect their lives to halt because he was gone.
Was it that different from when he was there, though?
They had their lives, while he had to piece his back together, and he couldn’t ask for their help with that. He wouldn’t.
He did the next thing he knew he would regret—opening Safari and searching for the recent ‘DynaRiot’ headlines.
It was worse than social media. Sightings of them on dates. Late at night. After work. Just—them. All the time.
Did they notice his presence when they did things? Did it feel complete when it was just them?
Why did he feel sick over this? He’d seen far worse—hell, he’d seen far worse this month. Why was this getting to him so bad?
He had that sense of dread towards going home again; when he should feel relieved.
He wondered for a moment if anyone missed him at home. Or if life continued so easily without him, for everyone. He couldn’t even blame them if it did. He cleared out the apps, deleting them from the phone. He wasn’t even sure why he’d let himself do this.
One of the first things Shouta had told him going in—you can’t dwell on what’s happening while you’re gone. And he’s taken that to heart. Repeated it to himself actively. But how could he not?
How could he not dwell, when he missed out while he was home, too?
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The first thing Hitoshi noticed upon entering the apartment was the silence.
No one else was home. It was quiet. Not even the hum of the AC. It unsettled him.
Usually, they were there. On the first night he got back. Waiting for him. They weren’t tonight. Maybe they really were learning they could be fine without him. Hitoshi drug a hand through his hair, ignoring the sick feeling in his stomach. He just needed some sleep. He shut the door behind himself, walking further into the apartment. Mouse, their cat, immediately hurried over to him, brushing against his legs. He smiled down at the mainecoon, before kneeling down to scratch along her head.
“Well, at least someone missed me, hm?” He muttered to her, and she meowed in response. Whoever said cats didn’t miss you like dogs was a liar. Mouse was always all over him the first little while he was home.
He headed over to the couch, laying down on it. Mouse immediately jumped up onto it, making herself comfortable on top of him. Hitoshi closed his eyes, intent on trying to nap, even as the silence ate at him.
Mouse’s content purring filled the quiet after a little, and it lulled him to sleep. He didn’t even hear the door open. Or the hushed whispers.
Instead, he was woken up by something loud hitting the ground. Which was great after just getting off a mission. He shot up on the couch fast enough that Mouse jumped off and ran away, and for a moment, all he could hear was his heartbeat in his ears. His eyes shot around the room, as he registered his surroundings, and measured his breathing out.
“Oh, shit—Hitoshi, I’m so sorry,” Eijirou’s voice cut into his head, hurried and a little panicked. The redhead came into view, sympathy written all over his face.
“I told you you were going to wake him up, idiot!” Katsuki called from the kitchen area.
Eijirou gave an apologetic grin. “Sorry. I dropped a pan. You’re home, it’s safe.”
Tiredness still laced his brain, but Hitoshi wasn’t on alert anymore. A little annoyed, maybe.
“S’fine,” He rubbed at his eyes. ’Where were you?’ Sat on the tip of his tongue, but he didn’t say it.
“I saw Mouse was with you. She must’ve run off, though. Sorry,” He apologized again, the sheepish smile not leaving his face. Katsuki didn’t leave his place in the kitchen, presumably working on dinner.
He wasn’t even gonna say hello?
Eijirou sat beside Hitoshi on the couch, and he unintentionally curled in on himself a little more. He was always like that after missions, they all knew that, but this time was different to him.
He needed to distance himself far enough that he was ready when they decided to continue on without him. He’d let himself get too attached.
A silence fell over the two as Hitoshi continued to sit in his own thoughts, zoning out at the ground.
“Hey, you okay?” Eijirou asked, his voice quiet. Hitoshi seemed to tense, and he slowly looked to the other man, eyebrows furrowed.
“What?”
“Are you okay?” He repeated. He had that look on his face. Concern? Pity. He didn’t want pity.
“You weren’t here,” The words left his mouth before he could think about it, to stop it. Stupid.
Eijirou seemed confused, shocked. “Huh?”
“I got home. You weren’t here. Neither of you were here. I—“ A sharp inhale, he was not going to cry. “I haven’t been home in a month, and no one was here. You’re always here.”
“Oh, ‘Toshi,” The nickname stung now, an effect it had never had before. It hurt.
“Are you breaking up with me?” Another blurt.
“The hell did you just say?” Katsuki said, from behind him. Hitoshi turned his gaze to the blonde boy. His jaw was clenched, and his eyebrows were furrowed together. Like he couldn’t comprehend what Hitoshi just said. He was holding a plate.
Hitoshi recognized the food on it, Kakinoha Zushi.
His favorite.
“I’m sorry that we weren’t home,” Eijirou started, and Hitoshi couldn’t bring himself to meet his gaze. He knew where this was going, what was coming. He should’ve stayed silent, maybe he could’ve prolonged it a little more, if he had. “We both wanted to be, I promise. I felt awful, Katsuki did too—we didn’t expect the lines at the store to be that awful.”
Katsuki interjected, “Yeah. It was fucking packed. Pissed me off.”
Eijirou rolled his eyes, but continued. “We wanted tonight to be special, so you could see how much we missed you. Katsuki wanted to make your favorite,” He gestured towards Katsuki with his head. “We thought we had the stuff, so we were gonna make a quick run to the store, and then—well, yeah. It was packed. We didn’t even know you’d gotten home until we came in.”
Huh. He’d forgotten to even text them he’d gotten in.
Hitoshi chewed on the inside of his lip. “It’s not just that. Your life continues without me, while I’m gone. It’s like I’m not even gone. You guys—you go out on dates. I see the headlines. You’re with each other so much. Do you miss me?” He didn’t give the chance for an answer, “Not to mention; you’ve known each other longer. You know each other better. It’s always you two; to the public, our friends,” A pause. “Me.” He didn’t give either of them a chance to speak before continuing, again. “I’m not a good boyfriend, either. I’m gone for ages, and then when I’m back, I’m barely here. I don’t wanna go out. I just wanna sit here, and wallow in my pity. How can you deal with that? Why wouldn’t you want to break up with me?”
“You dumbass,” Katsuki scoffed. “You think I’d stick around anything I had to ‘deal’ with?” Hitoshi just looked at him. “I don’t stay in any situation I don’t enjoy. And I enjoy being with you. Which means I like everything that comes with it, no matter if you deem it bad.” He shook his head.
“Anything will make headlines,” Eijirou took Hitoshi’s hand in his own. “If we go into the store for laundry detergent after work, it makes a headline. We wouldn’t do ‘dates’ without you, Hitoshi. Yeah, we do get out often, but that’s because being in the house makes me think of you. All the time, it’s just a reminder you’re not here. I try to get out to get away from it, but even outside, everything’s a reminder you’re not there. I spend all of the time missing you when you’re gone. How could we not miss you?”
Katsuki hummed. “Sure, we have each other, but it doesn’t make everything less empty with you.” He paused for a little too long before adding, “Idiot.” He laced his fingers with Hitoshi’s other hand.
“A break up is the farthest thing from what we want,” Eijirou told him, with a soft smile. “I love you.” He squeezed his hand.
“Yeah. I love you, too.” Katsuki added, sounding awfully pained for the words.
But it made Hitoshi smile.
“I love you both, too,” Hitoshi pulled his hand up to wipe his eyes, but Eijirou didn’t let go. “You’re sure?”
“Don’t question me on what I say, asshole! I’ll prove it to you as many times as I need,” Katsuki threatened, it was just reassuring. He leaned in to kiss Hitoshi’s cheek, and Eijirou followed suit—on the opposite cheek, obviously.
He usually wasn’t the biggest fan of too much touching after a mission, but this time was different. Even as the two boys continued their kisses all over his face.
“You two!” He laughed, pulling his hands free, and attempting to push them away. “Quit that—“
It made his world shift again.
He was glad to be home.
And he dreaded the thought of leaving for his next mission. Infact, he wanted to sit right here forever.
Katsuki gave a final kiss to his nose, right over his scar, before they knocked it off.
“I didn’t go into that shitty store packed with extras just for none of us to eat,” Katsuki said with an eye roll.
“Right!” Eijirou agreed. “I’m starving. Let’s eat,” He nodded, a little quickly.
“You’re always starving,” Hitoshi chimed in, to which Eijirou agreed. He sat forward to grab the plate, and Katsuki reached for the remote.
“I’m picking the movie,” He announced. “And we’re going to sit here, inside, doing nothing, because we enjoy anything with our wonderful boyfriend,”
“Who we missed dearly.” Eijirou finished for him, and they were both grinning at Hitoshi like idiots.
“Don’t pick a bad movie,” Was all Hitoshi managed, as he fought off a grin not much different than their own.
Katsuki gasped in mock offense. “I have never.”
“No? Don’t you remember—“ The two got into some argument about a bad movie Katsuki had picked, but Hitoshi didn’t catch the rest of it.
He wasn’t getting caught up in his thoughts about not being part of the conversation this time, though. He was, instead, thinking about how he had the perfect boyfriends. Which he had also missed dearly.
Yeah, he was going to be okay. All of them were.
He couldn’t imagine his life with anyone else.