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“Alexander, can you please pass my silver scarf?” a voice called from the room adjacent to where Alec was. Alec smiled, before picking up the silk garment and glancing at his watch.
“Magnus, we need to leave in 5 minutes,” Alec replied, walking into the large master bedroom where his partner Magnus Bane was standing in front of the large ceiling-to-floor length mirror. Alec stopped just short of the other man and took in his appearance. He was wearing a deep red suit, cut with wide legged trousers and silver shoes that seemed to glisten in the light of the room. The shirt was black, but Alec could see the silver and red stitching that zigged zagged over the material in a mesmerising pattern. Magnus turned around to smile at Alec, taking the scarf from his hands and wrapping it loosely around his neck. His shirt had the top few buttons undone, and there were several necklaces laying against Magnus' golden skin. Alec couldn’t help but grin at the other man; the make up that Magnus had applied was striking - swirls of silver and red brushed across his eyelids, lips glowing red, and his golden complexion flawless. His hair was styled high above his head, the tips dyed a deep red to match the suit. He looked amazing.
“Almost ready Alexander,” Magnus said softly, reaching out to attempt to flatten Alec’s hair and giving up quickly with a quiet laugh. Alec could feel himself blushing a little, even though he didn’t actually care about his hair; it always looked messy no matter what he done to it.
“I’ll get our coats,” Alec said, before leaving the bedroom and walking back into the living area. Alexander Lightwood was Consul of The Clave, the highest appointed official of the governing body of the Shadowhunters, and tonight, it was their annual charity ball supporting Downworlders. It was always very well attended, gained a lot of attention, and usually raised a lot of money.
As Alec waited for Magnus to finish getting ready, knowing very well that he would be longer than the 5 minutes they had left, he noticed a pile of photographs that his sister Isabelle had dropped off earlier. She was moving apartment and kept finding memories from their childhood that she had gathered over the years. The other day, she had dropped off an old cuddly toy that Alec had completely forgotten about from when he was around 7 years old. As soon as he saw the bear again, he remembered hugging it every night when he thought his siblings were asleep. He could even remember the smell of the bear. He put it in his wardrobe, a strong urge to keep it for a little bit longer preventing him from throwing it in the trash.
Alec picked up the the first photograph on the pile and laughed out loud; it was himself, Izzy and their adopted brother Jace. They were at the beach, the yearly trip they took with their parents, and Jace dropped his ice cream cone just as the photo was taken. His face was a combination between shock, disappointment and anger, and Izzy and Alec were laughing at him, grinning wide holding their own ice cream happily. They all looked so young and carefree; Alec thought he couldn’t have been any older than 10 years old in the photograph.
The next one was a picture at Izzy’s 21st birthday party. The three of them were smiling wide, obviously a little tipsy. They all looked happy in the photo, but Alec remembers feeling anything but happy at that time in his life. He had just turned 23 years old, was dating Lydia and very much expected by others to marry her and have the perfect Lightwood family.
Alec ran his fingers over the photo, feeling sadness for the face looking back at him. Growing up, he was the protective big brother, always making sure that Isabelle and Jace were safe, obeying The Clave and taking part in missions. He climbed the ladders at The Clave easily; he was a Lightwood after all. He was destined to have the happy ever after that he was constantly told people were jealous of him for. He wasn’t allowed to think any differently. He shouldn’t have wanted to think any differently.
Magnus walked out of the bedroom at that moment. “Ready Alexander?” he asked, looking at him with such affection that it made Alec blush.
“Uh sure,” Alec replied, putting the photographs down before grabbing his keys. “Let’s go.”
- - -
The drive to The Institute was quick at this time of night. When Alec and Magnus decided to move in together, they moved into Magnus’ Brooklyn apartment rather than staying at the Lightwood mansion. Alec still remembers the look on his parents face when he told them.. They have still never visited, and he didn't imagine that they ever will.
He had met Lydia at The Institute. They were both in their early twenties and excelled in their roles. Lydia was engaged previously to a man named John, her childhood sweetheart, but after he was killed on a mission, Alec and her somehow became closer, often partnered up for surveillance on missions. They spent so much time together that soon, everyone assumed they were dating. His parents kept asking when he was going to get married, and then before he knew it, he had proposed to Lydia.
And she accepted.
Growing up, Alec knew he didn’t like girls. At least not the same way that other boys in his class at The Academy did; he didn’t chase them, he didn’t pick one out to take to prom, he didn’t want them, not like that. But he also didn’t really want boys either, although he did think some boys were pretty in the same way that his classmates described the girls at school. But even then, it was just to look at; he never desired other boys either. When kids in his class at The Academy started making out with other kids and describing the encounters in explicit detail, he smiled and nodded along to match as his peers. However deep down, he couldn’t imagine doing anything worse. Whenever anyone asked him who his crush was, he would make up someone from Idris; that imaginary girl was his first kiss too. No one seemed to know he was lying, but he was too embarrassed to ever admit this to anyone, even to Jace. He didn’t want anyone in the way that everyone else seemed to want people, and he knew that was strange… it was different. However, when his classmates started sleeping with others, he didn’t know how to lie about that. He didn’t know what was the right thing to say, what would be believable. He preferred studying and reading and learning how to use his bow, and his peers used to laugh that he was prudish.
And then, suddenly he found himself engaged to Lydia. Alec wasn’t blind; he knew that she was objectively beautiful. She was blonde and striking next to Alec with his dark hair. She came from a good family, she was intelligent, and she was very good at her job at The Clave. They really were a power, perfect couple. She made it known to him that she found him attractive, and after she kissed him one night, that was them, officially together. Alec didn’t see stars or find kissing Lydia overly exciting, but as he had nothing to compare it to, he had just assumed that this was normal. It was something that he had to do, something that everyone had to do.
And then quicker than he could have expected, Alec was married. They had messed around a little before marriage, Alec not really knowing what he was doing, and Lydia either not seeming to mind or maybe not knowing a lot either. They slept together properly for the first time on their wedding night, and after Lydia fell asleep, Alec spent the next hour crying quietly in the bathroom with no explanation to why he was feeling the way he did.
“Alexander?” Magnus said, snapping Alec from his thoughts. “Everything OK?”
Alec looked back at the man next to him. Magnus cared for him deeply, and Alec felt likewise. Alec truly believed they would do anything for each other. He nodded. “Yes. A little nervous,” he admitted softly. “But OK.”
Magnus reached over to clasp his hand. Magnus’ nails were painted a deep red, but the ring finger on each hand was silver. Alec squeezed his hand back and smiled. His life now was secure, safe and respected. Thinking of that made him catch his breath a little. Back on his wedding night, crying in the bathroom alone, he could never have imagined his life turning out like it had now.
Alec closed his eyes, slipping back into his thoughts. He was married to Lydia for 8 years. Eight years. When he thinks of that, it saddens him in a way; 8 years that he will never get back. Eight years that she will never get back. After the first year of marriage, it was very much expected of them to have a child together. Alec’s parents expected it, Lydia’s parents expected it, and he thinks Lydia expected it too. They ‘tried’ a lot, even though Alec didn’t exactly enjoy any of it, and he began to dread the event each time. After 2 years and no baby, they both went to the doctor and got tested. Apparently everything was fine; no problems that the doctors could see, but Alec fully blamed himself. He did love Lydia, just not in the way that everyone else thought he did, and he was angry at his body for not giving her a child that she so deeply craved.
After 5 years, their sex life was pretty much non-existent. Lydia had tried to bring it up a few times, but Alec genuinely didn’t know how to answer her, so arguments often led to her crying and Alec sitting in silence, hating himself and his inability for not giving his wife was she obviously needed.
Alec first heard the term “asexual” in a tv show Lydia and he were watching. Despite their marriage difficulties, they were actually best friends. They enjoyed the same things in life; they both believed in The Clave, they liked the same pop culture, and they enjoyed going out for food and chatting about silly things. Alec just didn’t want to sleep with her. After they stopped having sex, he also realised he didn’t want to kiss or cuddle or do anything that other married people seemed to do. It made him uncomfortable and he didn’t enjoy it. It wasn’t sudden, it just sort of evolved, and finally, Lydia stopped asking why.
But as they watched this tv show, an off-hand comment made by a secondary character described what Alec felt, and suddenly Aled wondered if maybe he wasn’t broken after all; maybe other people felt like this too. He began researching everything he could about sexuality in his spare time, never once admitting to anyone - even Lydia - what he was doing. A lot of what he was reading seemed to fit how he was feeling - he didn’t want to have sex, that much he knew. However, he could not help but doubt himself… maybe he had just not met the right person? Maybe he just didn’t know what he liked… maybe he didn’t try hard enough with Lydia. Maybe this was all in his head. He spent hours each night lying awake in bed, often crying softly and scolding himself for doing so. With the amount of terror going on in the world, he should feel ashamed for feeling something so insignificant.
He sat with this “secret” of his for nearly 2 years. 2 years of analysing everything about his life; he enjoyed watching some sex scenes in tv or film, so surely he could not be asexual? He had slept with Lydia countless times, so surely he could not be asexual? He didn’t want to be like this; he wanted to be “normal”. He couldn’t be something that seemed so far from what his life was supposed to be. He wanted to be normal… he had to be normal.
And then one evening, after a successful mission that had lasted over a week and resulted in Jace breaking his arm and Isabelle going off solo to rescue Simon (her finance, and it all worked out in the end), he sat in a downtown bar with Jace telling him yet another story of a one-night stand. Jace was explaining it all in such explicit detail, not realising how uncomfortable Alec was it. Jace was very clearly heterosexual and enjoyed sleeping with a variety of woman, often more than one at once. Despite the fact that Alec just didn’t want to sleep with anyone, he could only think of the logistics of fitting all this into an already very busy Shadowhunter life. He just didn’t know how it would work, even if he wanted to. He sat in the downtown bar, listening to Jace go on and on, and realised that he truly did not want to have sex. With anyone.
“Alexander?” a voice said, snapping Alec out of his thoughts again.
“Hmm?”
“We’re here. Are you sure you are OK?”
Alec snapped his gaze to meet Magnus. There was concern in his golden eyes. “Um,” he began. “I am. I really am, I promise. Sorry, just a little distracted. Let’s go.”
And with that, they got out of the car. Magnus clasped his hand, and they walked into the huge black doors of The Institute.
- -
Alec remembers the first time he walked through these doors with Magnus. On that day, Alec had also assured the other man he was fine, that he was confident and happy to be doing what they were doing, but the truth was, he was terrified. Magnus on that day - Alec could still remember it - had on a very smart outfit. It consisted of a black waist coat, the stitching a bright colour, but it was his face that Alec could remember most clearly. His hair was dark with streaks of bright purple, hair shaved underneath and the length remaining on top styled to the side of his head. His make up was more striking that Alec had ever seen, and every person seated in The Institute turned to look at them as they entered. And every person seated in The Institute gasped, and pointed, and murmured in surprise.
That happened for 3 years. Three years of stares, whispers, and glances that people thought neither Magnus or Alec saw or heard. But Alec saw every one; he felt every insult, he heard every slur. He assumed Magnus did too, but Magnus was Magnus; he truly did not care what anyone else thought about him.
But now. Now, they walked into those black heavy doors with their head held high, and their hands clasped tightly together. Walking in as a team, as partners, together.
- -
The last year of marriage was one of the hardest years of Alec’s life. Lydia didn’t even try to talk to him about anything related to their relationship, and Alec certainly wasn’t going to bring it up. And then, the annual Downworlder Charity ball had arrived, and Lydia and Alec had attended like they did every other year. Alec was tipped to become the Consul to The Clave the next spring, and their appearance was even more important than normal. They mingled with guests, they danced with important connections and Alec delivered a speech, just like he had done for previous years.
And then Magnus Bane walked in.
Alec truly thought he was broken. He didn’t want to feel this way, and after all his researching, he knew that other people were asexual, and a whole host of other sexualities that he had never even heard of. He knew that; but he didn’t want that for himself. He also constantly had a voice in the back of his head telling him that he was confused, that he was waiting for the right person, that he was too inexperienced to understand any aspect of sex. But he just [I]knew[/I] that he didn’t desire anyone, he didn’t fantasise about anyone; he just didn’t really care about any of that. But then, Magnus arrived as the High Warlock of Brooklyn, and for the first time ever, Alec stopped and stared at another person. This man, this warlock, in front of him was gorgeous. Alec felt a bit sick; the emotion of finding someone very attractive scaring him. He had to speak to Magnus that night, with him being an important connection to the Downworld and all, and during the whole conversation, his heart bet so quickly that he was sure that everyone around him could tell what he was feeling.
That evening, Lyda confronted him. Alec didn’t know what to say, he wasn’t even sure what he was feeling himself. Lydia cried and shouted, and then cried some more. Alec sat in silence.
The next morning, Lydia asked him if he was gay, and he answered honestly: “I don’t know.” Later that week, Lydia moved out. They were divorced 3 months later. She moved across the country to head up The LA Institute, and he didn’t speak to her for years.
Alec didn’t see Magnus till the next annual Downworlder charity night, almost one year to the day. He looked gorgeous again; Alec could see that. People stared at him, and Alec was almost certain it wasn’t just because he was a Downworlder.
This time, Alec could see that he was an attractive man. He had spent countless times in the past year overthinking everything: was he attracted to men? Was he gay? Was he asexual like he previously thought? Did he find Magnus attractive? What was wrong with him? Could he sleep with someone? Did he want to sleep with someone? Why did he destroy Lydia’s life? Did he destroy his own life?
However, even though Magnus Bane was very attractive, when Alec looked at him, he didn’t ‘want’ him in the way he had heard so many people describing the feeling before. He didn’t particularly want to kiss him, or even hug him, or be with him. He just wanted to know him. That initial burst of feelings when he first set eyes on him the previous year was confusing, but Alec knew now that it didn’t really mean anything. Over the last year, Alec examined everything he could - while carrying out the role of Consul of The Clave - and he realised he could read about affection or sex in books (he had discovered that people upload stories about tv shows on the internet - “fanfic” it was called, and he had found a fond affection for reading tales of his favourite characters), he didn’t mind watching love scenes in films or tv shows, but the thought of him doing anything like that again turned his stomach. Even with someone as attractive as Magnus.
At the Downworlder Charity ball, Alec spoke to Magnus as expected. But at the end of the night, Magnus came back over and asked for Alec’s phone number. Alec gave it to him, confused why Magnus would ask at first. But when Magnus began messaging him, Alec thought that they might become friends.
It turned out that Magnus was an incredibly intelligent man, warlock or not, and Alec found himself craving their text conversations. Soon, he considered Magnus his closest friend. They met for coffee, had pizza together, and learned about each other’s lives. Whenever he seen something funny, he would text Magnus. Whenever he had a difficult day at The Clave, he would text Magnus. Their interactions seemed so easy, even easier than it was to be friends with Lydia.
One night, Magnus had invited Alec over to his Brooklyn apartment for pizza and to watch the latest big blockbuster together. The night went like it always did; they laughed, they spoke about their day, and they ate a lot of pizza. However, after the movie was finished, Magnus leaned over to kiss Alec and Alec, for a lack of better word, freaked out. He didn’t speak to Magnus for 2 weeks, ignoring all calls and messages. Eventually, Alec replied admitting that he didn’t want to kiss anyone, whether it was Magnus or not.
And Magnus was almost annoyingly understanding. At first, he thought that Alec was a closeted gay man. Alec admitted he thought he probably was gay, if he had to label it. And he did tell Magnus that he thought he was attractive, but he also explained, through many stumbles, that he just wasn’t into anyone. Magnus asked him outright if he was asexual, and Alec cried in front of him. Another first.
Magnus Bane was a lot older than Alec, being a warlock and all, but he looked younger. From the way that Magnus moved, it was easy to see that he was experienced in the world around him. He sat for numerous nights telling Alec that he had lived his life, including sexually, many times over. He described himself as a ‘free-wheeling bisexual’ and explained that he had previous long term relationships with both men and woman. He said he found Alec very attractive, and admitted that if Alec said ‘yes I want to have sex with you’, then Magnus would be naked in record time. But he was also happy in his experiences, happy in his life, and he wanted to have this life with Alec: a life not dictated by sex or even romance. He cared for Alec, and he said that he knew that Alec also cared for him, in his own way. He repeatedly insisted that he liked Alec for Alec, and that was enough.
And so in the months that followed, the two men spent more and more time together. Alec met Magnus’ friends, and he introduced Magnus to Izzy and Jace. Alec had never mentioned anything about his sexuality to anyone, and after several months, he finally told his siblings he was with Magnus. They both hugged him and said that they were so happy to see their big brother happy. He knew they both assumed he had just came out as a gay man, and he smiled back at them but didn’t correct them. He knew they wouldn’t care, not really. But this was still a whole new experience for Alec and so he accepted his siblings love and smiled at Magnus, who was standing across the room.
Telling his parents was a lot more difficult. His mother was more shocked by the fact that Magnus was a Downworlder than a man, but neither option was particularly well received. His father couldn’t look at him for months. It bothered Alec a lot more than he admitted, even to Magnus, but now, they could all be in the same room and be civil to one another which was a vast improvement.
- -
The current Downworlder Charity ball was even more important this year. As well as raising money to support the Downworld, raising awareness of the Downworlder-Shadowhunter Alliance, and - in Izzy’s words - throwing the biggest party of the year, they were also announcing the new role of Downworlder Consul to The Clave. The connections between the worlds that Alec and Magnus had grown over the years were to be celebrated, and this role was the next step.
As they walked down the hallways in The Institute, people still turned and stared. But now, Alec felt powerful. He was Alexander Lightwood and he was with High Warlock, Magnus Bane. Their relationship status was never disclosed to anyone, but for all intents and purposes, they were a couple in every sense of the word. In the years since being seen together, Alec had received letters from Shadowhunters thanking him for coming out as gay in the Shadow World, he had been stopped in the street to be praised for normalising the relationship between Shadowhunters and Downworlders. All of these interactions made up for any slurs and looks of disgust.
And Alec finally understood that; he didn’t care. He didn’t care what people thought of him, what they thought of Magnus, or what they thought of the life he had chosen to walk away from. He was happy. He was actually happy.
The ball went as expected - mostly positive feedback, but there was always a few negative words when announcing new policies. Elections for the Downworlder Consul would start next month, and Alec was excited to get started. He wanted the Shadow World - [I]all[/I] of the Shadow World - to thrive.
After the ball had ended, Alec and Magnus bid their goodbyes and went home. And once they arrived back in their apartment, Magnus excused himself to go and remove his make-up and change for bed. Alec walked back over to the photographs that Izzy had left, and flicked through some more of them. There was one taken a few years after he married Lydia, and he frowned at the person looking back at him. He looked so terribly lost and sad. He put the pictures down quickly, and walked into the master bedroom.
“Alexander, is something wrong?” Magnus said, face now free of make up and half changed into pyjamas. Alec smiled, wondering why the warlock in front of him had chosen tonight to change the “old-fashioned” way, rather than use magic.
Alec shook his head quickly, reassuring the older man in front of him. “No. I am… I’m just… I’m happy Magnus. I’m so happy with the way that my life turned out. I want to shout it from the rooftops sometimes. I want to go back..” he took a breath. “I wish I could go back and tell myself when I was young and confused and.. I wish I could tell him that it’s going to be OK.”
Magnus smiled warmly. “Come here,” he said, reaching for Alec and pulling him into a hug. Alec felt Magnus press a kiss into his hair. “I love you,” he whispered.
“You love me?” Alec smiled, looking at Magnus. Alec knew that Magnus meant the words very platonically, but it warmed his heart regardless.
Magnus tightened his hug. “You stupid Nephilim,” he laughed, the sound making Alec giggle back. The first time Magnus had said this to him was when Alec told Magnus to leave if he wanted a sexual relationship. Now it was the words they used for one another; it was the way they expressed their love and affection.
“I want ice cream,” Alec said pulling back. “Let’s go eat too much ice cream and watch something funny on TV till we laugh so hard that we feel sick.”
“There’s no where else I would rather be,” Magnus smiled back.
And the two men walked out of their bed room, very happy, very fulfilled, in a respectful, committed relationship, that no one else had to understand, apart from each other.
THE END.