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It was one of those days.
Naruto lied on his back, his hand—the remaining one—supporting his nape. While the hospital bed was supposed to give him comfort, he only felt the invisible weight of the ceiling pressing down on his chest as he stared at the patterns above him. The curtains freely fluttered at his side, and he muttered absentmindedly, “…I’m envious…”
He wanted to stand up and go out of the hospital since he woke up five days ago, and see for himself the damage that had been done after the war. Whether he heard news about it or not, he knew himself how many lives were lost in order to retain the peace in their world; that thought was enough to set him to his edges. Many times, he tried to get out, but his body felt too heavy that he couldn’t even make it past the door. The nurses incessantly reminded him that he had to keep on recovering, so that when he finally went out, he would be on his full energy as he used to before.
Trying to talk with Kurama wasn’t difficult itself, but the tailed beast inside him seemed to be worn out as well. Given its healing properties, though, Naruto was half-convinced that probably, his beast friend just wanted him to take a break. “Physical injuries are one thing,” Kurama told him while he was in deep thought. “But you know I don’t specialize in healing traumatic pain.”
Scared that Naruto might try to break out again, the nurses have asked some of his friends to come and visit, and convince him to recover on his bed for a few more days. However, after Sakura, Sai, and Shikamaru’s visit, Naruto overheard them talking with the nurse, that it might even take a week before he could get out.
Plus, they’re still dealing with his dismembered arm, as how they are working on Sasuke’s.
True enough, Naruto’s very thankful and it’s not even enough to say that he’s happy, now that Sasuke has decided to stay in the village for his medication. How long he would stay in Konoha for the rest of his life, he wished that it be for good. He also wanted to see him, so as to confirm if his goal has been really achieved.
“He’s also in this hospital,” Sakura told Naruto as she peeled an apple for him. “Don’t worry about it, Naruto! This time, I’ll be the one to keep an eye on him.” She gave an encouraging smile at Naruto, which he responded with his signature goofy grin.
“He won’t leave this time,” Naruto said, then chuckled. But he didn’t miss that slight concern on Sakura’s face. As her friend, it’s very easy for him to read Sakura’s flickering sense of courage. “Maybe you should go there now, Sakura-chan?”
“He’s sleeping. He won’t be going anywhere, he told me before he slept,” Sakura placed the apple peels on the plate, and she began slicing the apples. “I’m really happy, Naruto. It might sound funny, but I really like it when it’s my turn to take care of you and Sasuke-kun.”
Naruto’s eyebrows scrunched up, a smile still on his face. “Hey, that’s what’s our team is for, right?”
“Right!” Sakura nodded, and placed the sliced apples, too, on the plate. For a quick moment, she glanced at the stud on his arm, and then she took a slice. “This time, I’m really feeding you, eh?”
“Oh,” Naruto sat up, and with his left hand, he snatched a slice of apple. “You don’t really have to, Sakura-chan! You hate doing it, right?” He laughed, remembering the early years of being an official ninja with Team 7.
Sakura raised a brow. “Heeh, before you used to whine about me not taking care of you, though.” She consorted on putting the plate on the blanket covering Naruto’s lap. “Here you go, at least I’m helping you out.” She smoothed her knees, and she continued on. “We really outdid ourselves during that fight, ne? I never thought that we would be risking our lives that much. Especially you and Sasuke-kun… as usual, I had the least work…” Her eyes were cast downwards.
Naruto kept on munching on his apple. “Yeah! And don’t say that, Sakura-chan! You were so awesome! And scary at the same time—” his voice trailed, and realized it too late that he might have said something wrong. “—ah! Yeah, you were very strong—!”
Sakura glared at him, and Naruto could feel the killing intent. The corner of her lip twitched. “B-be thankful you’re bedridden, Naruto!”
The afternoon continued with the two of them recalling moments about the fight, and thereafter, he and Sakura went down to memory lane. Visitations with his teammate usually went like that, and Naruto wished that Sasuke was there with them, too. As well as Kakashi. Well, Sai might be interested to hear those stories as well, and Naruto immediately thought how nice it would be to have the whole Team 7 in his room to remind him that everything’s fine, and there are no more impending dangers. The Great Shinobi Countries are at peace now—what else could he ask for? Yet, the hurt and sacrifices made just to achieve that… even remembering a fragment of the war was taxing for his heart, but of course he didn’t let it show.
He removed his hand from his nape, and he reached for the ceiling. He felt incomplete without his other arm. Losing it in a fight against Sasuke was worth it, and it served as a reminder that things, indeed, went well. Yet, he couldn’t stop thinking.
The following days went on, and gradually, people he knew from his batch came in trickling in his room. Ino and Chouji once came inside his room together, and they changed the flower on his bedside table. “These are Daffodils,” Ino told him, “It signifies strength beyond adversities.” After that, Chouji showed him a pack of chips. “I snuck these in. I thought you might like it.”
“Hey, Chouji! Did you bring ramen, too?” He asked, and Chouji nodded. Ino wasn’t able to do anything when in a flash, instant ramen was served, and he and Chouji dug in their foods. It was until Shikamaru arrived with a nurse when they stopped eating—well, most of the food were gone.
Shikamaru sighed heavily. “What a troublesome guy. Naruto! You need to eat more vegetables! You’re recuperating!”
Naruto pouted. “Buuuut!”
“No buts! You don’t even finish the food served for you!”
Before Shikamaru’s team left the room, Shikamaru told him that Gaara and his siblings wouldn’t be able to visit, as they had to make preparations for their ninja army’s orderly return to their homeland, Suna. “Please send them my regards,” Naruto told Shikamaru. The latter nodded, making a mental note of reminding Temari about this little message.
In his solitude, his afternoon was filled with musings. He stared at the window, and from time to time, he grasped on the empty air with his remaining hand. It feels weird, he thought, while his head swam in thoughts about what transpired within the last two years… and the people he had lost… he couldn’t let his friends see his resolve waver, but then… his parents…
He realized he never had the time to grieve.
The next day, he woke up with something sniffing on his whiskers. He looked through the corners of his eyes, and realized that it was just Akamaru. Naruto tried to sit up, but he felt sluggish. “Hey, Kiba.” He tried to rub his eyes with his right hand - and suddenly noticing the mistake, he used his left. “What are you doing here, it’s so early in the morning…”
Through his thick glasses, Shino noticed the bags under Naruto’s eyes. “It’s noon. The nurse said you haven’t eaten anything yet since last night—”
And in an instant, his stomach grumbled. “Ah, I’m hungry…”
“Here you go,” Kiba hoisted an onigiri container in front of Naruto. “You go fill yourself, Naruto.”
“Thank you, Kiba,” He deftly opened the container with just his left hand - somehow he’s getting the hang of opening items with just one hand. “You’re not going on a mission—ugh…” His sentence was cut short as soon as he bit the onigiri. His shoulders slumped. Some bits of the rice were still grainy.
Seeing Naruto’s displeasure, Kiba glared at him and said, “Hey, be thankful! I did that with all my might!”
Naruto snorted. “You did?” He smiled at Kiba teasingly. “Figures! If this was Hinata’s, it wouldn’t be—” Naruto stopped galling Kiba. “Eh? Where’s Hinata?” Normally, he would see her showing up from behind a post, or from the door frame, or the hospital curtain, but she was nowhere. She was always with her team, although she seemed to have a habit of hiding herself. “Hinata?” He tried to call out.
“Hinata’s not here…” Shino’s expression was dimmer than usual, and he stuffed his hands inside his pockets. “She’s busy helping out her clan.”
“Clan?” Naruto suddenly remembered the history of the main and branch families, and his mind swam in thoughts again. He held back his breath.
“Yeah, to bury their fallen family members,” Kiba piped up, and Akamaru sat down beside his master’s feet. “Neji’s body would be buried on the noon, two days from now.”
“Neji—ah…” Naruto placed the onigiri back to its container, his eyes on his blanket.
“Hinata can’t miss it. Neji, after all, was originally her guardian,” Shino shifted his weight from one foot to another. “She said she wanted to visit, but she couldn’t. Many of the Hyuugas have fallen, including him. This time, she said, she wanted to give it her all, even for the last time.”
Naruto let out a soft smile, his eyes not really looking at anything. “I see…”
After Shino and Kiba’s visit, Naruto stared at the onigiri again. He remembered Shikamaru yelling at him about vegetables, and for some reason, there was also his perverted teacher’s grumpy voice, shouting at him for being a spoiled brat who always wanted to be overseen in his training. Maybe his mother also wished for him to eat good food, or was it his father? Naruto couldn’t vividly remember, but being alone in his hospital room brought him the kind of peace that deprived him of inner tranquility.
The curtains on his window began fleeting in the early evening’s wind again. He looked at the moon, and for a moment, he was afraid that it might turn red and put the village to a dream again. But it was on its white elegance, shining on Konoha calmly. He remembered the Hyuugas, and he remembered Hinata’s eyes, and suddenly he felt envious of her. At the same time, he thought he should be somehow happy for her, for she has the chance to grieve for Neji. Immediately, his chest was heavy, and it was awful to look at someone’s grief as something to be envious or happy about.
He didn’t want to cry, but as he ate Kiba’s onigiri, not only did it felt grainy, but it tasted salty, too.
Naruto woke up the next day on time, and although his spirit protested, he dragged his legs towards the other side of his bed, so that he could stand up in front of the window and breathe in the view of Konoha. Most of the village was in shambles, but people all around hauled wood and metal and roofs to fix houses and buildings that seem to be beyond repair. He remembered. He was like that, but wasn’t it because he always thought that he could be strong to protect the people all around him?
Yes, you did protect them. Kurama’s voice echoed from within. But you weren’t able to protect yourself.
That day, he decided that he would eat whatever the nurse would be giving him, in hopes that he could be dispatched by that evening, or even tomorrow noon.
-
It was Neji’s burial day.
Naruto stood up from his bed. The bags under his eyes were still visible, but he kept his stance straight. He headed for the door, but he was immediately blocked by the nurse. “Where are you going?”
He flashed the best smile that he could muster. “I’m fine now, nee-chan! Don’t worry about me! See?” He made a show of jumping from one foot to another, and punching the air with his left hand. “I’m good! Really good!”
The nurse sighed, and said, “I know you want to go to the funeral, Naruto-san. Most of them are on their way now. But you’re still recovering.”
Naruto’s eyebrows scrunched down, “Please, let me go.”
“Sasuke-san is also recovering, you’re not the only one to miss it—”
“Please let me go on his behalf!” Naruto bowed in front of the nurse, and he waited for an answer. “Even for just a while! Then I promise to comeback to fully recover!”
She heaved, shoulders sagged. “Ah, okay Naruto-san. Please stay here in this room, as I prepare your dispatchment papers. It might take some time, okay?” Naruto straightened up, a hopeful smile forming on his face. It was quite infectious that the nurse also smiled. “This is only temporary release, but if you’re not back within the required timeframe, we might have you searched. Is that clear?”
“Yes! Thank you!” Naruto went back to his room, and waited impatiently, prancing frantically. He donned a black top with loose sleeves, as to cover his dismembered right limb.
It was past 12 when the nurse returned with his temporary release papers. Before the nurse could remind him again of the guidelines, Naruto immediately barged out of the room. As soon as he was out of the hospital, though, he tried to run or leap, but figured that he can’t, yet. As annoying as it might be, he had to walk his way towards the Hero’s Memorial Stones. He was sure they would bury Neji there. He was a hero of Konoha.
From a distance, though, he saw that the tail of the crowd, mostly those who were wearing black kimonos, were already leaving. He knew how late he was, but hoped he would still be able to see something in Neji’s funeral. Whatever that something was, he wasn’t so sure.
He turned his way towards the array of memorial stones. There were way too many, and the weight of it pressed on his chest, like the pressure he felt when he looked at his hospital room’s ceiling. He stopped on his tracks, but soon enough, decided against it. He moved forward. And forward.
The smell of incense was still strong. He knew that’s where Neji would be, and he hurried to his might. As he approached, he saw that familiar, long black-purple hair, hanging lazily to reach the small of her back. She was sitting on her calves, setting the flowers beside Neji’s nameplate. Pale, delicate fingers brushed the letters of her cousin’s name, and before she stood up, she said, “I’m going, Nii-san…”
Hinata stood up with a basket of flowers in her hands, and as soon as she raised her head, she saw Naruto looking at her with dull, blue eyes.
“Naruto-kun,” She would have flinched, but she didn’t, and she knew he was here to give her cousin a visit. She thought he would come no matter what, despite not telling him, but she said, “Y-You shouldn’t have gone here, I was about to visit you and tell you about the funeral…”
Naruto dragged his gaze from Hinata, to the embedded letters of Neji’s name on the stone. “It’s okay, Kiba and Shino… they visited and told me…” He told her. “It finally came to this, huh… A few years ago, we were rambled as we talked about our destinies… and this is it…” He pursed his lips firmly, the guilt forming in his mouth. “I’m sorry, Hinata… I know you told me that I shouldn’t think this way… but…”
He wanted to grieve, but he shouldn’t. “Neji… he died with content in his life, didn’t he… He’s free now…” He forced a smile out, but the corners of his eyes were warm. It built in his chest. The victory he felt when they won the war was just as enormous as the void in his chest. So many have lost their lives even before the war. Come to think of it, they have been continuously dragged into countless wars, and here he was, a grown lad without parents, without his godfather to lean on, dead friends… He kept on convincing himself that they did not die in vain, but it’s way too different when you see things from the far end of it, right? This was the first time he felt it—they gained peace, but he had lost a lot, just like how the ninjas died in battle, just how Neji died for Hinata and for him… Somehow, it felt pointless. The hand he used to grasp for air clasped on his side tightly.
Naruto let out a soft chuckle, and he grinned at Hinata while he scratched his nape. “…really, sorry, Hinata! I guess I have to keep on going—”
To his surprise, Hinata stood beside him, her eyes fixed on Neji’s name. “It’s okay, Naruto-kun.” She was smiling. “If you want to talk with Nii-san, I’m sure he would be glad to hear you out, like how you did for him.” Naruto looked at Hinata, and he noticed that her shoulders were shaking, the hand holding the basket’s handle actually gripping it. “Nii-san might not have told anyone, but I know how thankful he is for you, Naruto-kun… so if you have something to say to him, he would be very happy…”
Hinata was crying.
Naruto looked at Neji’s stone again, and he lowered his head. He now understood the warmth in his eyes. He also wanted to cry, and so, he did. His shoulders were also shaking as he slowly unloaded everything from his chest. Yes, their human efforts won in this war, but because of that, he had lost so many. His parents died just after he was born… and then, his godfather… his friends were in great danger, and one of them died. He was sure many more people sacrificed their lives.
His shoulders hitched. Hinata placed a hand on his back and tapped it lightly, until it became a gentle rub. The warmth spread from his cheeks, to his entire back, and soon enough, Naruto’s tears poured from his eyes, the back of his hand covering his scowling mouth. Hinata sobbed almost quietly beside him, and he also patted her back.
Finally, Naruto grieved.