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This, is a tale of reckless love.
The love between a cocky Ingvarian thief and an angsty teenage terrorist from the Kingdom of Light.
The tale of the infamous Alchemist, with his immersible fury and how he brought such a powerful kingdom to his knees with nothing but his intellect and angst had spread far and wide throughout the lands, and once it reached the ears of the most feared yet respected crime boss in the Seven Kingdoms, well, Donella knew she wanted that genius on her side.
And so, she sent her most trusted (yet annoying) protege, Hugo Kicked Puppy Rottewadge.
Breaking into Corona’s dungeons was surprisingly easy for the young blonde (but why in the everloving fuck was the prison beneath the castle?! Oh suuuuuure, just put the most dangerous criminals within close proximity to the most important people in the whole kingdom. Very smart) but when he finally reached the cell of this kingdom-destroying supervillain, Hugo hadn't expected him to be so small… or so cute.
“Hey there Hairstripe” he said, tapping one hand against the rusty metal bars and The Alchemist snapped up to look at him, his baby blue eyes dark and angry in the torch light of the dungeon.
“Who are you?” His voice was quiet and raspy, as if this was the first time he’d spoken in a while. “You’re not one of the guards.”
“That I am not Freckles, I’m here to bust you outta this shithole” and with that, he finished picking the cell's lock (which again, was surprisingly easy considering this kid was considered an evil terrorist) and the door swung open with a swish as the boy’s eyes widened with shock.
“W-what? Why would you-”
“I’m from the Mafieux de Fer -back in Ingvarr- and my boss figured you’d might want to join us Sprinkles.”
The Alchemist looked shocked, before his eyes grew dark again with confliction as he looked back down at the dirty dungeon floor with gritted teeth “I- no, I can’t… I still have unfinished business with Corona, people I need to avenge.”
The young boy had always wanted to go to Ingvarr, a kingdom full of brilliant inventors and scientists just like him, a place where maybe- just maybe he wouldn’t be such an outcast anymore…
But he wasn’t going anywhere, not until he made his father proud.
Hugo just clicked his tongue and leaned against the open cell door with an uneasily casual demeanor considering just who he was talking to. “Well Sweetcheeks I don’t really think you have much of a choice, well unless you’d rather stay here and inevitably get your head lopped off by that king who just loves you so much.”
The Alchemist’s hand cradled his throat, eyes looking up at our smirking Hugo once more and this thief knew just how to sweeten the deal, just like he always did. “Look, Alchemist. You’ll get all the revenge you want and more with Donella, but you can’t do whatever it is you need to do stuck in this dirty cell.”
He bowed down slightly, extending his hand for him with smirk that brought a blush to the boy’s cheeks. “Come on hot stuff, what do you have left to lose?”
Nothing really, not anymore. Whatever fragment of a life he had in Corona was fucked up beyond repair now, and he was defiantly on track to be executed as soon as Fredrick found the most painful way to do so, and as much as he tried to deny it, the scientist in him knew his father was long dead at this point. And staying in the dungeons (or dying for that matter) wouldn’t do anything to help him. He couldn’t stay here.
Plus… the way this cocky, annoyingly tall blonde was looking at him with those mischievous emerald green eyes and a smirk to combat Loki himself, well was starting to teach him a lot about himself right now.
“It’s Varian… and I’m in.”
And so came to be the most notoriously vile set of villains the Seven Kingdoms had ever known!
L’Alchimiste et le Voleur de Fer.
A bit of a mouthful sure, but it looked real pretty on all those wanted posters of theirs (although most people preferred to call them by much shorter, more offensive terms).
Under the power and guidance of Donella’s hand, Varian had been able to grow and adventure with his alchemy in ways he could have never even dreamed of back home, the women taking the role of the mother he never had.
As the seasoned Royal Engineer of Ingvarr (which she considered as more of a side hustle, that queen) Donella had not only funded all of Varian’s experiments but helped him perfect each and every one. Large explosions and solutions that could burn through walls of metal faster than acid were no longer shameful mistakes, but careful and calculated weapons of destruction for their missions, among other things. At last, Varian had mastered his craft.
He was truly, The Alchemist.
Oh… and Hugo? Well, let’s just say that ingenious crime was not the only thing the idiots were well known for.
Their love was one that sparked hatred in most and inspiration in others, a love filled with fiery passion and fervor they refused to hide. It was practically a universal rule at this point that when you smelled their smoke bombs near to hide not only your valuables but avert your children’s eyes, as these sinful reprobates held no shame in making it well known they were way more than just partners in crime.
Cyrus, for one, was very tired of the goddamn PDA.
“Alright alright kids, get off each other. Donella wants you in her office.”
Hugo let out a long, overly-exasperated sigh and pouted as he felt Varian’s warm hips and swollen lips pull away from his own as his boyfriend pulled himself off Hugo’s lap with a roll of his crystal blue eyes.“We’re kinda in the middle of something Cy, can this wait?”
“No” he said blatantly, rolling his eyes at his younger brother’s messed-up blonde rats-nest and flushed cheeks. “You two can keep sucking each other’s faces off later, you got five minutes. Don’t piss her off.”
Hugo made sure to flip his brother off on his way out and his boyfriend laughed, smacking him playfully like the bitchy little tease he was. And so our very annoyed alchemists took their sweet time dolling themselves up real nice in their very extravagant villain outfits (which Donnie had always argued against but Hugh insisted that “If we’re gonna have all these wanted posters, might as well give them something fun to draw) and Hugo managed to earn himself one extra kiss for wrapping the bandages around Varian’s chest just the way the boy liked it and they made their way up to Donella.
Their boss was sitting expectantly at her large wooden desk stoic like usual, surrounded by carefully organized papers and pens so sharp she could use to kill a man (and probably has) as she held her head high, scarred face shining in the dim light and her steal eyes cold and calculated as she looked they gays up and down.
“You’re both late. Again”
“Eh by like two minutes Don, chill” replied Hugo, plopping himself down on his mother’s desk with a huff and swung on foot up on her papers as he took out and lit a cigarette, taking a deep puff before looking back at her. “So, what’s up?”
She scowled, rolling her eyes and pushing his foot off her desk, grabbing said papers and nearly sending her son toppling to the ground without a second thought. “I have a new job for you brats.”
“Aw what?! he whined, blowing out a cloud of smoke in Cyrus’s direction ‘by accident’ and pouted. “But we just finished the last one like, an hour ago!”
Varian held up a gloved hand to cut him off, snatching the disgusting cancer-stick out of his boyfriend’s lanky fingers and stomped it out under his chunky boots. Ugh, he hated when he smoked those things, Ingvarr had enough damn air pollution as it is without Hugo purposefully breathing in more smog for fun (plus, it made him taste like shit when they made out) “What are the details Don?”
She rose from her chair and signaled for Cyrus to shut the door as she spread the papers out in front of them. “Rumors have spread from Corona that little Princess Rapunzel finally reunited the fabled Moonstone and Sundrop”
Hugo could practically fell his lover’s heart drop as the kingdom’s name left their boss’s mouth. Varian was one of Donella’s most compliant workers, (second only to Cyrus the big scary robot) never arguing with even one of her decisions and getting the dirtiest of jobs done without complaint.
The one thing he never got involved with, was Corona.
Absolutely no jobs, no missions- hell, even bringing up the kingdom he once brought to its knees would leave him on edge. Even worse when it involved the princess.
“Ma'am, you know I don't-”
“Sh, let me speak boy” Varian scowled, looking back down at the papers scrawled out on her desk obediently and Hugo slipped his hand into the boy’s, shooting his Bluebird a small reassuring smile.
“Now, over her journey the princess and her party acquired their fair share of magical relics- which would be lovely if you could pick up while you’re there” she said with the tone us boring people would use to ask someone to pick up some toilet paper during their grocery run.
“But, your main objective is the Scroll of Demanitus”
Hugo felt Varian grow more tense with each word and he squeezed his hand a little tighter in an attempt to comfort him as Donella’s gaze softened slightly. “look kid, you know I wouldn’t ask this of you unless it was absolutely necessary Varian.”
“But Don, the Corona missions are always given to the naive soldats or me and Cy. You know it’s not exactly safe sending Hairstripe there when his wanted posters practically fly like the kingdoms second flag. No offense Love” Varian just rolled his eyes with an annoyed grunt, smacking his boyfriend’s pale stick-of-an-arm despite them all knowing it was very, very true.
While all the kingdoms held quite a large bounty for their heads, (including Ingvarr, funny as that) Corona was especially bitter and resentful that the villainous Alchemist had managed to slip through their fingers all those years ago. (well, that and the fact that he and Hugo had slime-bombed and set fire to a statue and a few paintings of the Royal Family on their way out.) With his bounty being over triple what it had once been for Flynn Rider all those years ago. (A fact that Varian was very proud and fanboy-y of.)
“Cyrus has other matters to attend to, none of the soldats aren’t competent enough for this kind of mission and I don’t trust your idiot ass enough to do it alone.” Hugo slapped his hand against his chest in feigned offense and Varian sighed deeply, biting his bottom lip and looking like he could really use one of Hugo’s cigarettes.
All this time, and he hadn’t gone back to his old home once, never being able to face the guilt and shame of still not finding a solution to the amber and the fact he’d abandoned his father in the first place to turn to a life of crime and incredible gayness.
“Don, I…” he looked back up at his Hugo, his amazing, infuriatingly hot boyfriend -especially in that stupid crop top and dumb jacket, sweet heavens- who had stuck with him through thick and thin, no mater what shit came their way, who’d held him in his darkest moments and protected him on these missions, who’d shown him love and loyalty in a way he thought no one would ever care enough to give him.
Hugo… who’d actually always kept his promises.
The blonde saw the pain in his frown and instinctively wrapped his scrawny pale arms around the smaller boy’s hips and in turn Varian brought his own arms around around his shoulders,(having to stand up on his tip-toes just a little but fuck you) letting out a small sigh as they pressed their foreheads close together and Hugo gazed down at him with that look in his sparkling emerald eyes that just made him want to kiss him silly. “No matter what, we got this Bunny Rabbit. I got you”
Hugo’s smirk grew as he leaned in closer to whisper this next part into his lover’s ear. “Plus… it would be really fun watching ol’ King Freddie get all red and wrinkly if we made out in his precious vault room and leave him another fun little present don't cha think?”
Annnnnnnd that sealed the deal, ah, nothing like the temptation of pissing off that shitty excuse for a monarch and fucking around with this twink to get Varian to face his traumas. “Ugh, fine. We’re in Don”
Her mouth twisted into a satisfied smile ever so slightly but it fell into a scowl again when she saw her kid “subtly” kiss down Varian’s neck and his hands started to inch under both Varian’s shirt and further down the smaller boy’s hips before she motioned over to Cyrus who shut that shit down real quick. “Good, that's what I like to hear, brats.” She said, handing the grouped up papers over to her painfully fruity son.
“Now, go get yourselves ready, you fly over to Corona tonight- oh and absolutely none of you two’s ridiculous theatrics this time, it’s too damn risky. So no playing with fire this time, got it?”
Varian nodded, taking the dismissal as he headed out the door, zesty boyfriend in tow as Hugo smirked yet again and gave his mother a playful salute. “Mm-hmm, no theatrics. None, zilch, nada. You got it Mom!”
Extremely over-the-top, overwhelmingly gay and dramatic theatrics ensued.
Now, they kept it contained within the castle of course, the whole kingdom didn’t need to know about the Alchemist’s and Iron Thief's return just yet. (That came later, with the smoke-stink bombs and rainbow confetti)
After a relatively quick and very fun overnight balloon ride to the outskirts of the Light Kingdom and a spin on Hugo’s prized motorcycle, our naughty little criminals had made their way through Corona’s castle, following Donella’s instructions to the letter with just a bit of added… texture!
With them gooing and sleep-powdering any and every pesky guard that just happened to get in their way, making sure to leave a barrage of mustaches and angry expression doodles all over their faces (ooh, and that cool ‘s’ thing Hugo taught him a few months back) plus, of course, their usual romantic spectacles. (like seriously, from the way Hugo was touching and flirting around with Varian, there was almost no way to tell this bitch was usually a fucking bottom if it wasn’t for the ringed choker around his neck) Like usual, they were having a lot of fun with there mission.
And it’s here we find our omnipotent outlaws falling behind the grind tonight… both left unaware that the kingdom’s guard won’t go down without a fight.
“Hey Goooglesss, you think these look good on me babe?”
Varian chuckled and rolled his eyes at the extravagant monstrosities hanging from his boyfriend’s ears, the bazillion multicolored jewels within the thick, embossed gold plates that were bigger than his fucking glasses and looked like it could easily outweigh the blonde.
“They’re fucking atrocious, but you can make anything work handsome~ now get back to work you Beanpole”
“Ugh, you sound like Donnie” the boy whined and Varian shut him up with yet another sloppy, lustful kiss before smacking him upside the head, messing up his dumb prized undercut (to which Hugo flipped him off before fixing) and sent him back across the vault room to continue their search for the scroll.
Everything was going great, just another fun and normal job with his twinky boyfriend causing mayhem. He barely even noticed the fact he was back in Corona and only a few floors above the cold, dark cells he once thought would be his deathplace, that’s how completely fine and chill he was. (And that’s what we call denial dear readers)
And either way it was whatever, the second the found the scroll (and nabbed some more of Fredrick’s valuables of course) they were outta here, he was never looking back and would never let Donella send him on a job here again
No matter how much he wanted to go see his dad…
Now, they had a good hour (or only fifteen minutes, if luck decided to be a bitch to them today) before the guards they drugged woke up and alerted the others or were found by castle staff, so they had to work quick.
Now, if he was a backstabbing, lying, and naively positive and perfect princess, where would he put a- oh, behind a measly pane of glass apparently.
Wow, Corona had such high-tech security measures in here. (It’s no wonder Hugo broke him out so damn easily.) Deciding to let his boyfriend play around with the kingdom’s riches some more, Varian instead clicked his tongue in a quick, familiar pattern and waved over the one thing that competed with him for Hugo’s love.
“Hey Liv! Com’ere, I need a quick favor.” The miniature automaton heard his cry (just like she always did, smart girl) scurrying off her owner’s shoulder and darted over to Varian with a almost eerie realism.
He still remembered the pure amazement he’d felt when his Hugo had first introduced him to Olivia,(which he called, basically his daughter which made the introduction as Hugo’s boyfriend very interesting) he probably looked like a six-year-old who’d just seen a unicorn. Varian had made his fair share of automatons that were decently impressive, sure, but Olivia was practically her own living being. She was scientific wonder.
Though he would never tell Hugo how fucking impressive that was.
“You think you can get rid of this pesky glass for me sweetheart?” he said, cupping her in the palm of his hands before the mouse nodded and jumped up on the surprisingly thin sheet of glass and spinning around in a near-perfect circle, scoring the glass with her tail and jumping back down to his shoulder as Varian pulled away the circle of glass with ease.
“Perfect as always Liv.” he praised, giving her a little nuzzle behind her cold metal ear with his gloved finger before reaching in and pulling out the Demanitus Scroll.
Score.
“Hey Hugh! I got it, we can-”
A blaring siren shook the room’s very core and his face went white.
“Varian?!” Hugo jumped over the piles of riches, pockets stuffed with gold and jewels as he took Varian into his arms but his love immediately pushed him away, hands flying up to pull at his hair in guilt as Olivia crawled back into the now-empty case, trying to turn off the siren to no avail.
“Fuck I forgot to double check for alarms! I’m so off my fucking game today just from being back in this goddamn castle, stupid stupid stu-”
“Hey, hey. Don’t do that Blue” Hugo cut him off, taking the boy’s anxious hands into his own as the clash and stomping of metal and boots joined the room’s chaos. “It’s not your fault, everything’s fine. We’ll figure this out-”
Varian flinched as the guards pounded against the vault’s door (cause apparently they were too idiotic to just open it when they most likely had a key) and Hugo pulled him back into the safety of his caring arms and Varian whispered into his lover’s chest. “Baby I’m a little scared”
Hugo chuckled and pulled out a flask, spilling a certain green solution around the vault’s pristine marble floors with a smirk as the guards screamed through the door for their heads.
In the name of the good law of Corona come out with your hands up! We have the place surrounded!
“Now don’t you quit Var-Bear” He comforted, his smirk growing mischievous and scheming like it had so many times before, making it hard for Varian to not do the same. “This is the best part!”
The door finally burst open, and a horde of guards flooded the room, led by the traitorous Flynn Rider (or as we know him Horace Eugene Fitzherjerk) with everyone’s favorite spiteful hypocrite of a king safely standing behind him.
And if the Captain of the Guard felt anything seeing the young boy he once called a friend at the tip of his sword, he did nothing to show it.
“Put. Your weapons. Down. You two are under arrest for… hell, there's so many charges I’m not even gonna waste my time naming it.”
The guards raised their swords, anger reflecting in the sleek polished steel. But it wasn’t anything our fruity felons haven’t seen a hundred times before, all of Varian’s fear had melted away at the sight of the pure hatred and fury in Fredrick’s eyes he didn’t let himself look at Eugene, that, he didn’t have the heart for, and met the man eye’s with the same spiteful look as Hugo pulled out one of the many guns for his pockets and clicked his tongue along with the holster.
“Ah, no can do Rider. But as long as you, your prissy guards and asshole of a king stand the fuck down, me and my doll will be on our way.
Fuck how he loved when Hugo called him that, almost as much as he reveled in the angry, red disgust that adorned the kings face at the boy’s expression of their love. “You’re spending the rest of your limited days in my dungeons, faggots!” Fredrick boomed as Eugene held him back.
Our lawless scientists only smirked smugly at each other, fear replaced with delightful entertainment as they drew out their weapons and held each other's hands.
Now it’s time for the fun part.
A smoke bomb from The Alchemist’s belt crashed against the floor, engulfing the air with thick green-blue smoke that smelled like two-month-old roadkill skunk, meaning they had around five minutes to get the fuck outta here before the magic of science started doing it’s thing.
And… they were gone.
“Ga- AFTER THEM!”
And so they sped through the castle halls, throwing back colorful shots of alchemy and equally colorful insults, both singing a song known well throughout the lands they’d both haunted.
You'll never take us alive!
We swore that death will do us part
They'll call our crimes a work of art!
They dived through a window, shards of glass surrounding them as they held each other sinfully close and their lips fought to meet yet again, his amazing Hugo putting the “french” in “French kissing”. That stupid tongue piercing of his clashing against their teeth while Varian’s hands rushed to yank his hair out of that stupid ponytail in a fiery passion as Hugo squeezed his thigh and bit Varian’s bottom lip -that bastard- shooting a grappling hook through the window, letting them fly like horny birds and mount onto Olivia the Squeakual, flipping off the guards behind them as they counted down the seconds.
“And if the heat comes close enough to burn?” Varian wrapped his arms arms around Hugo’s waist, not leaving an inch of space between them as his flame revved the engine and whispered into his ear in that stupidly nasally and husky accent that drove Varian insane.
Finally, after all these years The Alchemist got finally his well earned, petty-as-fuck revenge as the Flynnolium Hugo spilled sparked with their smoke bomb… right. on. cue.
“Then we’re burning this place to the ground!”
An explosion of angry green fire burst from the vault room with a bang and they sped off, leaving the guards biting their dust and the confetti they shot out, laughing in their triumph… but Fredrick was not letting this child best him, not again.
You'll never takes us alive!
We'll live like spoiled royalty, lovers and partners
Partners in crime!
Eugene tried to stop him, to get the rage-fueled king as to reason as the man called to turn the sky black with iron-filled rain, a painting of love and victory turning morbid.
Ready men?! Aim…
But a captain’s order couldn’t override that of the king.
FIRE!
…
And this, is the night our young love died. One arrow among hundreds was the one to take our both hearts as Corona’s fury mercilessly rained down on them, riding by each others side. Dying in each other’s arms.
“Ma’am… news from Corona…” the man’s stoic face -a face that had never shown an ounce of emotion in years- went sheet white.
She rolled her eyes, swishing the blood-red wine around the glass as she took the scroll from his shaking hands. “What in the seven hells did those idiots do now Cyrus?”
The glass shattered to the ground, shards gleaming red.
They never broke their oath, for the land’s most notorious villains were never taken alive, and not even death would make them part… their love would haunt the Seven Kingdom’s forevermore.
“No…no no no no no NO !” The mother’s anguished scream could be heard throughout the kingdoms, nearly loud enough to wake the dead…
But not her son… he was gone, him and his young love was gone. All because she sent them on that mission.
“Donella I-”
“ Don’t you fucking dare Cyrus… just get your ass back to work, it’s time for our next job”
“But-”
“I’m avenging, my son ”
And she would, no matter the cost. No one could hurt her family… and get away with it.
We live as ghosts among these streets
Lovers and partners
Partners in crime