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Oftentimes, Hugo would dream about the library. It wasn't anything to particularly take note of, if you disregard the fact that before this Hugo rarely ever dreamed. It wasn’t that he didn’t want to, or even that he didn’t have dreams… it was just because he could never have what he dreamed of.
And so, this night, Hugo laid in his bed–his bed–nestled in Corona’s castle. Varian had described the comforts of the castle before he had decided to stay in Corona, and then Varian had made him an assistant. While they worked on the Eternal Library and focused on cataloging its contents, Varian was the royal engineer of Corona. What an accomplishment (and he says that without sarcasm, this time!).
Hugo was proud of him. So, very proud–and Varian, his best friend, gave him another opportunity. He was grateful to him.
And see… that’s why he hated the library dream.
Because Varian, his Varian, would stare at him with such disdain. Such hatred. It made Hugo’s heart clench painfully in his chest and he woke up in a cold sweat each time. It felt so real. Way more real than anyone could have ever anticipated.
So now, Hugo stood in a haze. The fog around the edges of his vision let him recognize that he was dreaming. The shelves of the library seemed so out of reach, spanning for miles into the air. The longer he looked, the more they seemed to warp. Hugo walked across the crystal floors. They were so shiny, practically a mirror… It wasn't like that in reality, right?
No. The library had splotches of grass. The dream-library was perfectly polished. Hugo shook it off.
There were sounds all around him–water, birds, the rustling of pages of books being tossed about on their own–and it was overwhelming. Hugo was on the lookout for one thing in particular, though. The sight that haunted him on a daily basis.
Varian’s distraught face, with the news of Hugo's betrayal.
He had found him. Varian, eyes glowing an eerie turquoise, was staring directly at him. Hugo shivered and walked closer.
“Varian? Hey. It’s me.”
“You. Why did you follow me? Why are you here?” Varian’s voice broke.
Hugo lowered his eyes. “To– to help you. I'm sorry, Varian.”
“Sorry? You’re sorry? You should’ve thought about how sorry you were when you betrayed me! You might as well have left us to rot!”
Varian bellowed. It sounded soulless. And mixed in, there was the faint echo of Ulla. He could hear her trying to break through.
The library dream was rarely consistent. Sometimes, Hugo would get Varian back. They’d apologize and go their separate ways after that. Other times, Ulla would win. She would take Varian’s body, trap Hugo in the library, where he would waste away forever.
The only consistent thing was the way Varian never forgave him.
Hugo knew how to separate dreams from reality. He had learned to do it–there wasn’t anything he could realistically keep. So why did this, Varian not letting him give a proper goodbye, feel like such a stab through the heart?
He knew it’d never happen in the real world. Varian forgave him. Varian let him share his stories, good and bad. Varian showed him compassion like none other. Varian understood why he had done what he had done.
But then again, who was he to speak for Varian?
Hugo shook off the feeling. Dream-Varian was staring at him. Hugo stared back for what felt like ages.
“We can never be together, Hugo. Not even in a million lifetimes.” Varian said.
Of course. He knew that. He had known that the whole time. That doesn’t mean it didn’t rip his heart out of his chest.
“Okay,” Hugo whispered.
Dream-Varian stepped closer, putting a hand to Hugo’s chest. He had a small, knowing smile on his face. Varian always knew something he didn’t. It was what Hugo loved the most about him.
And it was what made him hate himself the most.
Dream-Varian looked up at him. Those pale, teal eyes were absolutely haunting. Hugo froze in place. The only thing that connected them was the pace of Hugo’s heartbeat.
“It’s time to wake up, Hugo. You should know dreams aren’t good for you.”
Unbeknownst to Hugo, that would be the last he saw of the library dream.
He awoke to the darkness of his room. The only thing he could make out was a silhouette above him. The silhouette of Varian. That small, knowing smile was back. What did he know that Hugo didn’t?
Hugo sat up slowly and turned on the lamp on his nightstand. He felt so disoriented. His chest burned with something he couldn’t quite describe, his head throbbed with newfound thoughts, his ears rang with the sounds of his dream. Varian was hunched over the desk in the corner, looking down at some sort of book.
“Varian?” Hugo asked quietly. “What are you doing here? I was just… I just…”
He just couldn’t find the words.
Varian turned his face to Hugo now. That smile. It was always that smile. But now his features were soft, tanned, and freckled–this wasn’t Dream-Varian. Dream-Varian always looked like he had something to say. Something to prove. A goal. Of course Varian always had a goal, but this face was far more willing to wait for it to get there.
“I couldn’t sleep. Wondered if you couldn’t either. I’ve heard you, scurrying around the lab some nights. I wasn’t being loud. I know I didn’t wake you up. What’s been keeping you up?” Varian said, grabbing a pen from farther up on Hugo's desk.
Hugo couldn’t answer. He really couldn’t, not without embarrassing himself. “Just… Dreams. Nightmares.” He shut his mouth before he could elaborate.
“Right… Is that why you were thrashing around? You sounded like you were in some serious distress, dude.”
“Don’t dude me. That’s Yong’s thing.”
Varian shrugged, “Good point.”
Hugo looked around for a few moments, seeing if he could find anything to explain his situation more. He was so confused all the time. He was never like this before the library.
“I don't get it.” Hugo admitted.
“Don't get what?”
“Why do you let me stay here? Why do you stay here with me?”
Classic imposter syndrome, really. Hugo knew why Varian acted the way he did towards him. Because they were friends. Though Hugo considered Varian more of a best friend–he knew Varian didn't feel the same. It was something he had to accept.
“Because we're friends, Hugo. Why are you allergic to the thought?”
“I'm– I'm not,” Hugo sputtered. He wasn't allergic to it, just… scared! He was scared because… Hell, he had no idea why he was so scared. “Just nervous, that's all.”
Varian tilted his head. “And why are you nervous? Seriously, you're shaking like a leaf.”
Hugo hadn't noticed. He really was shaking.
“I… I don't know.”
“That's not a good answer, Glasses. C'mon. I'm not stupid.”
Hugo shook his head. He didn't understand any of it. He wasn't sure he even really wanted to. Anything related to Varian felt like too much and too little at the same time, he needed more and yet he pushed it all away. Long story short, he wanted to sink his teeth into Varian and never let go. Not in a million years. He couldn't.
Varian was the first person he had who was a constant in his life. Not even Donella was always there when he needed her. Varian, on the other hand–even for just the smallest things, he was someone Hugo could count on.
And Hugo had stabbed him in the back. Barely even that; Hugo had basically just thrown him to the wolves. Threw all of them to the wolves.
“I don’t deserve your kindness.” Hugo blurted out.
“And why’s that?” Varian raised a brow.
“Because– I– well… You know– You know what I did. I don’t deserve your kindness.”
Varian looked at him like he had grown two heads. It made his skull rattle and everything hurt. More specifically, his heart hurt, as if it was going to burst.
Hugo stuttered over his words for a few seconds. “I, I’m not good for you. I’m not a good person, V. I haven’t ever been. How can I know that I won’t treat you terribly again?”
“Well, because you seem so scared. I don’t think you’d–”
“That’s because I love you, Idiot!” Hugo shouted. He closed his eyes and clutched at his ears as if the sound of his own words blew out his eardrums. It felt unreal to him that he had just said that. Was he totally sure he wasn’t just imagining it? There was no way he loved Varian. It hadn’t even been a passing thought, they were just friends (it was one hundred percent a real thought he’d had–multiple times).
When he opened his eyes and saw Varian staring at him wide-eyed, he knew that it wasn’t just his imagination. And all too soon, Varian was invading his space.
“Really?!” Varian smiled widely. Right in front of his face. Hugo felt his face heat up by the second. “Hugo, I love you too!”
And then there were lips on his. He couldn’t even think straight. A minute had passed, maybe several, before they parted. Hugo stared at Varian like he was seeing the aurora for the first time. Varian noticed and smiled once more. That smile. Hugo loved his smile.
Hugo lets himself be pushed back into his bed. Hugo lets himself be wrapped up in blankets, sheets, and Varian. Hugo lets himself breathe in tandem with Varian.
Hugo lets himself fall back into a dreamless sleep.