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Ellie had spent a lot of time without joel. But she never thought she would have to ever again.
It wasn’t something she thought about, not even in passing, there was before joel, and of course with him. And that was her life, that was where she’d thought she’d be forever.
Burying him was the hardest thing she ever had to do. It was like ripping her heart out, because it wasn’t right. It didn’t make sense. Joel was an immovable object, he had survived so much, he got hurt, and ellie thought he was going to die but he didn’t. He survived, ellie stitched him back together but she was just a kid and she didn’t do a good job yet when she needed him he was there.
He had been there. Had cradled her face and held her and promised her she’d be okay. He pulled her out of that burning building and brought her back to the cold, yet she wasn’t cold with him. No his warmth meant safety, and it was nothing like the fire that consumed her soul and called her a monster.
But as she presses her head against the gravestone, the one with her dad’s name on it. He doesn’t come. His hands don’t pull her close. Doesn’t promise her that everything would be okay. And ellie knows, deep down she knows he’s dead. She saw his body. Had watched him hurt and ache in his final moments. Yet it didn’t feel right. Because Joel miller had survived everything. And he was supposed to survive this, too.
—-
his house is how he left it. Only a few things changed. Dishes cluttered in the sink, dirty laundry in the basket.
He was going to come home. He was supposed to come home. Walk through that door and Ellie would be right there, and everything would be okay. All his unfinished projects, if ghosts were real, would Joel haunt this place forever? Would he be trapped because of the projects he couldn’t finish. Would he be disappointed in Ellie?
He would never get the chance to finish his projects. His carvings and everything, all because of Abby. Because of her, that monster.
She steps into his closet, drawn into the familiar sight. His jackets neatly hung, evenly spaced, still crinkled because Joel was never perfect, and he could never be bothered to straighten his clothes like other people would. She buries his head into his coat, it smells like him. Wood and varnish. Nature and a tinge of gunpowder looming behind the detergent he used.
His watch is in a box, placed alongside all his belongings he had on him during the accident.
Ellie holds it in her palm, its weight heavy. She wonders if Joel felt how she was feeling right now when he lost his daughter, when he lost his sarah.
The watch was unmoving, as it had been for as long as ellie had known him. Joel had never fixed it, he had never wanted to. The watch forever stopped, unticking at the second life ended, the second the world ended.
And now it was here.. in her hand. And sure, maybe ellie had never known sarah, had never been given the chance. But she could feel that little girl in the watch. The stop of the ticking clock. The end of joels tether to humanity.
She felt completely lost. She had spent so long without joel, had been so angry at him but he was still there.
He still sat out on the porch, still gave the mirror out of his bathroom for her to keep and use. Let her stay in the garage. Gave her space but was never too far.
Ellie wasn’t related to Joel, but he was her dad. She never had one before, but she knew of them. From the other kids in jackson she knew what they were supposed to be like. And joel was the best. She’d never have admitted it, of course. Because then she’d be replacing sarah, but she thought it all the time.
In her own mind Joel was always synonymous with dad.
Always there, waiting. And he had never been angry with her, not in the way others did. He was never going to hurt her, but now he was gone. And in his place was rage and anger and a loneliness that she could feel, could see, but could not fix. No matter what she tried.
—-
Losing joel was a different kind of loss. The one with no where else to go. When she turned her attention to abby, to finding her and getting her back for the torture she put joel through. It felt.. rewarding. Seattle had seemed so far when she was a kid, but now she felt it wasn’t far enough. Like abby would be lurking around every corner. Coming back to finish ellie off too.
It’s human nature to chase after her. She wants to claim it’s for the betterment of herself. To make sure that no one else gets hurt. Because part of her is still mad at joel.
He lied to her. Had ruined her life… but he saved her too.
Him and his stupid guitar, his voice singing a song ellie would’ve never cared for before him. Giving her food and dragging her across the entire damn country because he never really knew when to stop.
Getting impaled and then getting back up to get them both to safety.
She wanted to forgive him. She had waited so long, had been angry so long that the anger eventually gave way to sadness and then.. acceptance.
Losing joel was the final nail in the coffin. Ellie refused to let someone else dictate her life.
All the deaths, the bloodshed in the hospital, then the town, then the aquarium.. she thought it would all finally be worth it. But then dina ruined her plans. Jesse wanted to go home and they found tommy and she agreed. Because she would take them home and then go right back out and get the justice joel needed.
Except she didn’t get the chance.
Jesses face bled out fast. There was so much blood that stained the carpet. She knew how much a person could bleed. But it was different when it was so close to her.
That bullet should have hit her. She should have gone out first.
Maybe she would’ve been dead. And maybe in death there would be no justice for abby.
But she would have joel. And tess and riley and sam and every single person she got killed because she wasn’t good enough. Because she was supposed to be the cure for the world but she couldn’t even save her friend.
When she picks herself up off the cold floor, hours after abby had left. Blood still trapped in her throat, choking her. She brings them all home.
Jesse’s family mourns. Everyone does. All of jackson grieves just like they did with joel because they were good people. Joel’s house is still covered in dead flowers.
Everything always died. It was inevitable. Yet ellie was still here.
She wondered if anyone would mourn her when she died. Or if she would be forgotten in the same way her mother was.
If she got to see joel in the afterlife would he want to see her? Or would he be with his real daughter once more. Would riley? Or tess?
When ellie died. Would she have anyone? She was always so afraid of being alone, but this realization stung like nothing else.
She’d do anything if it meant someone would stay for once.
——-
Abby was there. A little boy in a boat and trying so desperately to escape.
When ellie drags her under the water, she thinks it was meant to feel good. For a second it does, all the rage she’d been holding onto since joels death comes crashing out and finds its place rightfully around abbys throat.
Then joels face flashes through her head. A stab to the heart as she remembers joel being held underwater just like this, how he fought for his life before ellie took his pistol and shot his attacker.
Her grip on abby tightens. She thinks of joel sat on his patio, tapping cords on his piano. Ellie wasn’t sure what song it was, but she climbed up to him anyways.
She forgives him, that night. He sounds so broken. He hurt her, but he didn’t mean it.
She lets go of abby. Gets off her body.
She collapses into the water. Cries, abby breathes heavily beside her.
“Go” she says. Voice tight.
“Just take him.” Abby doesn’t hesitate. Getting in that boat and leaving. Ellie watches, watches and does not stop her. Just like she couldn’t stop her back then.
Abby leaves, and she takes Joel with her. Takes every part of him. His death and his life. His love and his hope and his dreams.
Ellie can’t stop it. Maybe she never could. And maybe she never would have.
She thinks of the million things she could have done different, a million ideas passing through her head.
Yet she didn’t, none of it happened. She was just as much of a failure as the first time she failed to save someone she loved.
In the same way she failed to save Riley, she lets joel go and it feels the exact same way her heart had burnt when she shot riley.
—-
She meets him beside his grave. Of course, he’s not there. He wouldn’t be, not ever again.
But when she closed her eyes, she could almost pretend he was still there. Could pretend she could smell him behind him. His voice was calm and soothing but he wouldn’t say anything yet. He’d let her speak first. “You lied to me” is what she would say.
“I didn’t want to hurt you” is what he would respond. He would try to keep his voice steady, but deep down they both knew it was as terrified as he felt in that moment.
“You should have let me die in that hospital” she would shout. And he would close his eyes. She wouldn’t look at him. Because she would be given the choice to look at him. She’d stare up at the night sky but he would be right beside her. And he’d be alive and nothing bad would have happened.
“I didn’t want to lose another daughter” would be his quiet response. She would hear him breathe out. He would be alive. And her heart would break because he called her his daughter. And she never would have thought he could ever see her like that.
“You don’t believe that” she says. She looks towards him. And she realizes then she can’t see him. His eyes, they’re blurry. His face wrong.
“I do” he says. “I never lied about that, ellie.” She could hear something dripping now. The weather was getting colder. It was supposed to be a warm night.
“You were my daughter.”
“Am” she corrects. “I am your daughter”
His face is bloody. She could hear his pained groans now. When she reaches out, she feels like she’s underwater.
—-
Ellie wakes up screaming. She’s breathing heavy. She waits for joel to run into the room.
He’d never show, she knew it well, but the realization still slapped her across the face anyways.
Joel was dead. Jesse was dead. Dina was gone and ellie had no one. She let abby win.
She promised tommy— she promised herself she would get justice.
There was an empty hole in her heart.
She missed her dad.
—-
When she stepped onto that farm, empty and devoid of all the life it had been just months before. She thinks she’s supposed to feel something… guilt, maybe. But there’s nothing.
She walks up the stairs, art and photos pulled down, places the guitar by the window.
Joel would’ve loved this. Would have loved to grow older here. With the sheep and the farm, but he would’ve just loved to have it with ellie too.
She leaves the farm, lets joel have the view he would have always wanted. The farm he deserves. And ellie leaves because she couldn’t stay.
The guitar remains, and with it stays ellies heart forever.
—
She hopes joel would be proud of her. She hopes he would understand why she did what she had to.
She hopes he could forgive her, in the way she didn’t manage to forgive him when he was still around. And in the way that only in his death did she understand why he chose her. Why he always chose her.
—
Joel wasn’t dead. Sure, maybe he wasn’t around anymore. But that body on that basement floor wasn’t his. At any moment he would come back to her, same as he always did. And she’d still be upset with him, but she’d start to understand.
She’d let him hug her, because he hadn’t in so long and she never missed him quite like she did right then. She’d enter his house and they’d watch a movie, and she wouldn’t care which one it would be because she’d be watching it with joel.
And at the end of the night he would smile at her, and wish her well. She’d go to leave, but this time with a smile on her face. She’d go to bed, and when she woke up she’d go back to him. Back to her home.
Because Joel Miller wasn’t dead. He was gone, but Ellie would find him again one day. She knew that much. And she would wait until she did.