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It was Bob’s idea to have a movie night.
He thought it would be a good idea for everybody to hang out as a group outside of missions. For the past couple of weeks everyone had kind of been either on their own or in small groups since moving into the Watchtower. It made sense as a lot of them were getting their rooms ready or taking care of personal business.
Alexei had immediately seconded the idea, enthusiastically saying it would be good for team morale although Ava was sure it was so he could wax poetic about the glory days in Russia until someone threatened him with a kitchen knife, again. She had her money on it being Yelena this time but Bucky did always look like he was about to pop a vein whenever Alexei would talk at him for hours on end.
Yelena had rolled her eyes at the suggestion for movie night but didn’t object to it, Walker stated that he didn’t give much of a shit but agreed to join in, bloody secret softie. Bucky had stoically nodded but Ava knew he was not against walking out to go hide in his apartment in Brooklyn, the address he had purposefully not let the team know as he knew that some of them were not above just turning up for snacks or something at 3am like creepy snack goblins.
Ava…hadn’t planned on joining in on the night’s events, more than happy to spend the night in her own self imposed solitude doing…something probably with a cup of tea but one look at Yelena’s pleading face had her agreeing to join in.
They had set up shop in the oversized lounge, blankets and pillows were provided by Alexei and Bob so it had been turned into a sea of brightly covered fabric with occasional mountains of pillows and the couches being the only relative islands of stability. Although they too were swathed in so many blankets Ava wondered where on earth they had gotten them all. Bucky had compared the whole situation to navigating a mine field which did get a chuckle out of the group. Ava didn’t mind it as much, she liked layers of blankets on her own bed, the weight pressing into her kept her grounded, reminded her that she was still stable.
Ava had somehow ended up next to Yelena on one of the many couches. Alexei, Bob and Bucky had each claimed their own couch to themselves after navigating the fuzzy, unstable monstrosity that was the floor. Ava perched on top of one garishly yellow blanket next to Yelena, trying not to grin like an idiot whenever the other woman glanced her way. She looked so much happier nowadays. It was like a light shone out of her, getting brighter when she smiled and she was doing a lot of that lately, especially when she was with Ava-not that it mattered really.
John strode into the room, heaping bowls of popcorn and other sugary delights balanced in his hands, “I made food,” he placed them all down “Seeing as none of you guys thought to make any for yourselves and I doubt many of you had dinner I figured I’d whip something up so you don’t starve to death.”
“Careful Walker, that sounds an awful lot like you care about us,” Ava chided playfully, grabbing a bowl of M&M’s.
“I knew you liked us, Walker.” Added Yelena as she swiped a bowl of popcorn that she then placed between herself and Ava.
Walker rolled his eyes, “Shut the fuck up and eat ya food ya jokers.”
“Sir yes sir,” Ava gave a mock salute, squealing when Walker threw popcorn at her in retaliation.
“Alright kids, enough, I’m not clearing that up if you make a mess.” Bucky stated with a heavy eye roll.
“Listen to Mr Winter Soldier you two! We’re going to have family fun without messes,” Alexei added, trying to be stern but failing. Honestly, how that man intimidated anyone back in the day was a question in itself.
“Thank you for the snacks Walker, that was very nice of you,” Said Bob, a shy smile on his face. Ava had really grown to like Bob in the past few weeks since their official move into the Watchtower. He was quiet, helpful and always wanted to do the right thing. Ava had often had many a nightly conversation with him over cups of tea until the early hours of the morning. He, like Yelena, smiled more nowadays, even walked taller like there were fewer things weighing him down. He still had his bad days but they all did. At least now they didn’t have to face them alone.
“Thank you Bob, nice to be appreciated.” John said as he sat down, smiling triumphantly.
“Can we just pick a damn movie? At the rate we’re going I might be dead before we pick,” Bucky grumbled as he brought up his Netflix account on the way to big flatscreen TV (Stark was clearly compensating for something). The team (Mainly Yelena) was still working on getting Val to cover streaming service subscriptions for them as some kind of wellbeing pay but for now they had to be content off piggybagging Bucky’s and Alexei’s.
“Alright cranky pants, what are we in the mood for?” Yelena asked.
“Kramer VS Kramer,” John and Alexei said at the same time. There was silence for a moment, then the entire team burst out laughing at their niche movie choice. When they had all calmed down they returned to scrolling through the sea of options that was Netflix.
“What about Toy Story?” Yelena asked.
“What are we five?” John said.
“Plenty of people can watch Pixar Walker. Just because your inner child has to suffer does not mean all of ours do too.” Yelena sniped, promptly giving John the finger which he returned in kind.
“We can always watch it another time, Yelena.” Ava said. She then felt the team’s eyes boring into her and blanched, “What? I meant at another movie night. Then again there might not be another one if we can’t pick a movie.” She sank back into the pillows, crossing her arms petulantly.
“Why don’t you pick Bob? Seeing as you came up with this whole movie night plan in the first place.” Bucky offered him the remote.
“Oh I don’t know guys..”
“I agree with Mr Winter Soldier here. Seize your moment Bob, it will build character to make such a big decision.” Added Alexei.
“Yeah go ahead Bob, you have first pick.” Ava was surprised that John was so willing to let Bob have the first movie pick. She knew he was a softie but it seemed he had an even softer spot for Bob. That or he was dying. She was more inclined to believe the latter.
“Umm..” Bob’s brows furrowed in concentration as he scanned through Netflix, his eyes lit up as he landed on one movie in particular, “Oh! How bout The Exorcist? It’s pretty old so it's more funny than scary nowadays if anyone gets easily freaked out by horror movies.”
“I NEVER GET SCARED BY ANY KIND OF MOVIE!” Alexei cut in.
“Okay Dad we get it. You’re a big, strong super soldier who isn’t scared of fake ghosts or demons,” Yelena rolled her eyes, shooting Ava a smirk. Ava giggled while Alexei seemed none the wiser.
Their choice made, everyone got comfortable as the lights dimmed, Ava and Yelena wound up sharing a blanket of all things. Ava was trying really hard to focus on the movie and not on the pretty girl next to her. For a moment she found herself wondering if this was what she missed out on growing up: movie nights, eating junk food, having…complicated but totally platonic feelings for a pretty girl? She felt a brief pang in her chest at the sense of loss but that was quickly eased when she glanced around and saw Yelena smiling, Alexei trying to shove as much popcorn in his mouth as he could before the opening credits finished, Walker sharing his popcorn with Bob and Bucky trying to hide his smile.
They were a weird, broken bunch but they were her friends. A family. Not that she’d ever admit that.
The movie began to play and so far it seemed pretty run of the mill: little girl gets possessed by a demon, hijinks ensue.
Ava smirked as she had to slap Yelena’s hand away from her M&M’s for the second time in the past ten minutes, “go get your own,” she whispered.
“No fair, I’m sharing my popcorn with you and my blanket,” Yelena playfully yanked on the blanket covering their legs and Ava squealed, trying to yank it back as the cool air hit her feet.
“Can you two lovebirds keep it down?” John asked, irritated.
“Screw off Walker,” Ava shot, glad that the dark hid her pink face. John sighed, turning back to the movie. The two women settled and Ava with faux reluctance pushed her bowl of M&M’s towards Yelena, “Go on then.”
Yelena smirked before taking a handful and popping them in her mouth, “fwank yuu,” she said around a mouthful of chocolate.
Ava smiled, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. The movie continued and Ava did have a hard time wondering why people found it scary back in the day. It was just so outlandish but even she had to admit it was oddly charming with its presentation. Plus the sheer absurdity and over the top acting did make the movie pretty humorous.
“Okay, I gotta admit it is pretty funny,” Ava said.
“I know right? Apparently this movie was super controversial when it came out, like people were throwing up in the theatres or passing out. Apparently there were even nuns throwing holy water on some people outside of the theatres because they were so against the movie.” Bob was grinning from ear to ear. Ava would have never pegged him for a horror movie buff but Bob was certainly a man full of surprises.
“That’s gotta be bullshit.” Yelena had already pulled out her phone to google it, turning down the brightness as she was greeted with the full glare.
“Yeah people don’t get that worked up over a movie.” John added.
“We do live in America though,” Bucky chimed in. The rest of the team grumbled their acknowledgement.
Rolling her eyes, Ava refocused on the movie. The mother had taken the girl, Regan, for some tests to see what was wrong with her. She took her to a hospital and she saw a multitude of doctors, none able to figure out what was wrong with her. Then the tests started getting more intense, more invasive. Ava felt her breath catch as she saw the little girl strapped down on a table, a needle hovering over her neck. She could feel herself start to tremble. It’s just a movie , she told herself, although that did nothing to stop the shaking. She just hoped that the team wouldn’t notice.
“Are you okay?” whispered Yelena from beside her. Damn it, of course she noticed, she was a bloody assassin…and sitting less than three feet away from her but still.
Ava nodded, staring straight ahead.
The needle went in. The girl’s face scrunched up in discomfort and pain. She cried as the plunger was pressed down.
Ava felt her breaths begin to quicken. She can faintly hear Yelena whispering next to her, asking her if she’s alright but she sounded really far away, like she was in a tunnel. But Ava can still hear the little girl’s whimpers, still see her face twist in agony.
Ava screws her eyes shut. Presses her fingers into her ears. Doesn’t care that Yelena can see her. She just wanted it to be quiet. She just wanted it to stop.
“Please stop it, it hurts!”
One of the doctors grumbles as he pulls the needle away from her neck after yet another attempt at getting a vein. Tears run in a steady rhythm down Ava’s face. Crying wouldn’t sway them, it hadn’t for the past twenty minutes. The doctors hadn’t bothered to numb the area so every time they tried it felt like her neck was on fire. She couldn’t keep still long enough. Worse still was when her phasing caused the needle to go right through her, almost as if the thing causing her all this pain and misery in the first place was trying to protect her but all it was doing was prolonging the torture.
“Now, now Ava…” A voice, trying to be soothing but it sounded flat, rehearsed as he pushed her shoulders down, hard enough to leave bruises, “you want us to fix you don’t you? That means there may be some discomfort in the process…”
“Can’t you stop her from wriggling?” The doctor holding the needle asked. Clear liquid spurted from the end making the little girl shake.
More hands pin down her shoulders, the needle enters her neck again. She sobs and tries, oh god she tries to stay still this time but it hurts too much and she jerks away. The one with the needle swears as he yanks away the syringe. Ava can see blood on the end, her blood.
“I can’t keep her still. We’re gonna need some restraints.”
The pressure on her shoulders eases as the doctors swarm around her. She allows herself a moment to breathe a bit easier, knowing it won’t last long. Straps are levered all over her body, pinning her to the table. Soon she can barely lift her head. She’s trapped.
The heavy weight of the hands is on her shoulders again as they pin her down to make sure this time she won’t move. The needle hovers over her neck.
“Please…” Ava cries out as it sinks in.
Ava gasped as she felt herself being pulled into something warm and solid. Something that smelled faintly of vanilla. Yelena. She can feel the other woman’s hands running up her spine, and can now hear the whispered words of comfort right by her ear, “It’s okay, you're safe, you're here, I’ve got you.”
Ava felt her hands first into Yelena’s pyjamas as the Russian held her tighter. She couldn’t hear the movie anymore, couldn’t see it, her world had been reduced to Yelena’s warmth and murmured comforts. One hand moves to her hair, lightly combing through the dark tresses. Ava made a noise between a sob and a gasp. The hand stopped and began to pull away, clearly mistaking the noise for discomfort but Ava nudged her head further into Yelena’s hand which luckily got across the message she wanted to convey as the hand started weaving through her hair again.
For the first time in what felt like forever, it was quiet . Ava felt safe . She hadn’t felt like that since…since Bill hugged her for the last time.
Gradually Ava felt herself slowly coming back to herself, her breathing evened out and her trembling started to ease. She knew that she had to have been phasing at some point as she could feel the familiar tingly pinpricks all over her skin. She always phased when she was upset or stressed. Luckily this time she hadn’t phased through the couch or worse, Yelena.
Eventually she heard Yelena say, “That bit's over now, do you still want to watch?” Ava nodded, slowly pulling her head back. She saw a wet patch on Yelena’s pyjamas, she hadn't even known that she’d been crying. She wiped her face with the back of her sleeve but kept her eyes down, embarrassed. Yelena gently placed a finger underneath her chin, titling it up to look at her. She glanced down at Ava then glanced at the corridor that led to their rooms, the message clear: We can go if you want? Ava shook her head, backing out of Yelena’s hold slightly to sit back against the cushions. Yelena looked cornered but she too tried to focus on the movie, her hand not straying from Ava’s waist as it played.
Luckily the boys seemed too focused on the movie to have noticed anything happening between the two women and even then it was dark enough that they probably wouldn't be able to tell anyway or they did and had the sense to not mention it. At least that’s what Ava hoped. She didn’t think she’d live that down if they saw her like that.
The movie eventually drew to a close and the credits rolled, Bob turned the TV off and stretched, “I’m gonna go collapse,” he said through a yawn.
“Sleep does sound pretty good right now,” agreed John.
“I agree, sleep will bolster our bodies for whatever missions we face,” Alexei said, remarkably quiet for someone who only seemed to speak in shouts. He must be tired , Ava thought.
Bucky nodded. Ever the talker.
“I’m gonna stay up for a bit, not that tired,” Ava uttered. She was absolutely shattered after whatever that was but she did not want to go to sleep yet. She wanted to put off the inevitable nightmares for as long as possible. A faint tremble went through her at the thought of what would await her when she slept. Yelena’s thumb rubbed her hip soothingly.
“Same here.” Yelena agreed.
Most of the boys just made their way to their own rooms but John paused, fixing them with a hard look. He shrugged, throwing the remote onto their couch, “Okay-just clean up the couch when you're done.” he grimaced.
“What’s that supposed to mean?” Ava hissed, it came out more angry than she intended. Yelena’s hand tightened on her waist protectively. Ava glanced at her, her face was stony, her lips set in a hard line. John’s eyebrows narrowed in confusion. He opened his mouth but with a quick glance at Yelena, he paused and shut it. Then he said, “I value my life too much to explain so I’m just going to go to bed. Goodnight ladies.” He then turned and sauntered away, not glancing back.
“Night Walker!” Yelena called after him, a hardness in her tone that had been absent all night. Ava added her own quieter goodnight. When John had made his disappearance, Yelena turned to Ava, all traces of hardness gone from her features, “Are you okay?”
Ava plastered a fake smile on her face, “Never better. Thank you.”
“Ava..”
“I’m fine, Yelena.” Ava pulled herself out of Yelena’s hold, shuffling along the couch to put some distance between them.
“Yeah you look so fine right about now,” Yelena remarked, sarcasm dripping from her voice.
Ava turned away harshly, extracting herself from the little nest they had made and padded over to where the boys had been sitting under the guise of cleaning up. She hated that a very big part of her already missed Yelena’s warmth. She heard shuffling behind her which she assumed was Yelena getting up.
“That scene, it reminded you of your time at SHIELD didn’t it?”
Ava tensed. Of course she knew. She nodded, not glancing behind her.
“Ava, you could have spoken up if you felt uncomfortable, the guys wouldn’t have minded if you needed to-”
Ava whirled around, her hard eyes staring daggers into Yelena’s soft ones, “What leave? I don’t need their pity Yelena and I don’t need yours either.” she spat hating the way Yelena’s face fell at the word pity . “I can’t let them see me like that, to see me…”
“Weak?”
Ave nodded. Her eyes growing cloudy, “See now you think I’m stupid.” She had how small her voice sounded, how weak she was being.
Yelena stepped towards her, “That’s the furthest thing from the truth Ava.”
Ava scoffed, looking away as she tried to blink away her tears. She was not going to cry again. What good would it do? Besides showing Yelena how bloody fragile she was.
“The truth is I get it.”
Ava gaze snapped to Yelena.
“I used to think that I could carry it all on my own. That if I stuffed all the bad shit down it would eventually go away but it didn’t, if anything it just got worse. Talking about it made it feel a little bit lighter.
She grabbed Ava’s hands, “No one here is going to judge you or think less of you because something in a movie reminded you of a traumatic experience.” she smirked, “And if they did they’d be a major asshole and I’d punch them in the face.”
Ava laughed, it was waterlogged, “I’d get in on that.”
Yelena’s lips quirked up in a smile, “Ava, you're one of the strongest people I know. But being strong doesn’t just mean handling it on your own all the time.” She squeezed Ava’s hands, “Sometimes you gotta let people in.”
Ava took a breath as she considered Yelena’s words. “Back at SHIELD the doctors-they would often stick needles in me.” She began. She swallowed, “I couldn’t keep still so they could never get it fully in on the first try so they had to-to pin me down and-and it-” She screwed her eyes shut to stop the tears. It didn’t work, “It really hurt .”
Yelena pulled her into a hug, “I’ve got you Ava. No one is ever going to hurt you like that again. I promise.”
Ava cried into Yelena’s shirt for the second time that night. She knew that she couldn’t promise that. No one could in their position. The lives they led, someone was going to get hurt eventually. Or maybe one day Val would get sick of her and try to throw her back in a lab. Try and perform tests on her until she was a human pin cushion. Ava would die before she let that happen but…she might not get a choice.
But… Yelena believed her words and Ava, wrapped up in her embrace, found herself wanting to believe them too.
Ava felt her legs begin to sag as her eyes drifted closed. It was so warm and Yelena was so comfy . Yelena chuckled, lightly pushing her back, “Come on. I don’t know about you but I want to eat the rest of Walker’s snacks until I feel like I’m gonna throw up or pass out, whichever comes first.” she tapped her on the cheek, “although I think you’ll do the second a lot sooner than I thought,” she laughed.
Ava groaned but acquiesced, glancing over at the spread, “It was nice of him to make food for everyone.”
Yelena wandered back over to the sofa she had Ava had previously occupied, stretching out, “And we shouldn’t let it go to waste” she patted the space next to her, “now come on, sit your ass down before I eat all your M&M’s.”
Ava rolled her eyes before flopping down on the sofa. She pushed the bowl towards Yelena, “Alright. Thief.”
Yelena held a hand to her heart dramatically, “You wound me, Ava Starr.” She laughed, then seemed to freeze. She looked at Ava.
“What?” Ava asked around an M&M.
“When I held you earlier, was that okay?” Yelena’s eyes widened in panic, “I know touch is a tricky thing with you and I’m sorry if I crossed a line, I-I just didn’t know how else to bring you back.” Her words came out in a rush.
“It’s alright Yelena. It helped.”
“But-”
Ava reached over, placing her hand on Yelena’s, “If I didn’t like it I would have said something…or punched you,” she squeezed her hand before retreating.
Yelena shrugged, “I would have deserved it.”
Looking down, Ava began to play with the cuff of her pyjamas, “It was actually kind of nice. I felt…safe believe it or not. Like nothing was gonna hurt me as long as you had me.” She shrugged, “That sounds cheesy as shit I know.”
“Well I do like cheese.”
Ava’s head snapped up to see Yelena’s shit eating grin. She threw an M&M at her, which Yelena promptly caught in her mouth, “Arsehole.” Yelena smirked, raising her eyebrows.
“Real talk though” Ava began, her voice soft, “thank you for the help tonight.”
“Anytime Ava.” Yelena’s eyes flicked down. Ava found hers doing the same, her attention entirely on the blonde’s mouth. She leant forward the tiniest bit-no, not a good idea Starr, she thought. Besides, Yelena was just being nice, she didn’t like her like that. She shook her head, needing right now to look anywhere but Yelena’s face, otherwise she was going to do something she would regret in the morning. She glanced around, her eyes catching the remote which she then picked up and brandished, “Do you wanna watch Toy Story?”
Yelena grinned as Ava switched the TV back on, “You, Ava Starr, are now officially my favourite person. Don’t tell Bob that.”
Ava felt herself get warm, her chest achy. It wasn’t a pain thing. This was…pleasant. New and strange but not a bad thing. She remembered feeling like this briefly during small moments in her life, when one of the female doctors had been kind to her growing up, when one of the pretty SHIELD agents had smiled at her, hell even when she first laid eyes on Hope Van Dyne of all people and wondered how she was even related to Hank Pym looking like that.
But those feelings had always been brief, a moment of fantasy until her pain had kicked in again. Stupid, childish feelings, easily dismissed. But now? It was like she had been starving her whole life and now she knew what being full felt like. Like some of Yelena’s light had spread into her without her noticing until now.
“As long as you don’t tell him you’re mine.” She jibed back, terrified at the truth in that statement. As the opening credits began to play Ava came to a horrifying realisation:
She liked Yelena.
She was so fucked.