Chapter Text
Will’s soulmark had been doxed long ago. It made the rounds on social media every year or so when new fans rediscovered the leak.
James had been subscribed since 2018. James followed all of Will's socials, all of his friends, all of the projects. He even followed Will's girlfriend.
He first found WillNE when he saw the twitter post with his exact soulmark marking making the rounds. He was so excited and full of hope at the prospect of finding his one and only that he reached out. James had sent a DM like an idiot, letting Will know that he had a matching mark and asking if he wanted to meet for coffee. Yeah right…in hindsight a hundred other parasocial freaks just like him probably have done the same. Just like that, James’s first interaction with his soulmate was forever tainted.
James felt sick at the time, he is still disgusted at his own naivete. What social media influencer in their right mind would answer a DM like that…what influencer would even want that.
Over the next year, James became a secret super fan, devouring every piece of content he could get his hands on that was related to Will. It was an obsessive little compulsion that simmered under his skin and in between his gums. He had videos downloaded and organized by show and release month. He kept track of recording schedules and travel days. Every little thing that Will or his circle did was saved and catalogued.
His obsession got worse over the years after that…the cataloguing slowly turned into journaling of sorts. When James had bad days he would drink himself into a stupor and hold drunken written conversations with screenshots of Will’s tweets. He slowed down videos and looked for reflections in mirrored surfaces to get any additional glimpse of Will’s life. On especially bad nights he would pause a video of Will's and pretend for a while like he was on a video call…
Even four years after the first leak of Will’s mark, James had not interacted with the lad outside of the singular DM. All of his pathetic pining was kept on a personal hard drive. He went as far as to avoid anyone Will was adjacent in his own YouTube circles - irrationally terrified of being recognized. There were moments where he got close to crossing paths with his soulmate and he flaked or declined and one time even left a meet and greet event without saying goodbye.
Truth was James was petrified of being acknowledged. Will was straight and James wasn't. Will at this point had a beautiful girlfriend that he seemed to love dearly and James was a freak on the internet categorizing Will's gasps. He was convinced Will would be able to smell it on him - zero in on his less than appropriate tendencies. Another big part of why James had pretty much given up was that soulmate marks were just so easy to fake. There were many fans sick enough to do just that, copy the mark in ink on their skin. Childhood photos were also easy to doctor, easy to convince family to lie for you - all in favor of snagging a well to do partner.
And the perfect little cherry on top was that he was a large, hairy man with a tendency to be angry and had self admitted alcohol issues - he was starting to resemble the familiar sad men that hung back in the corners of pubs, receding hair and adult acne. He had too much contrast with the sharp and slim features that looked out to him through the screen. He was out of place in whatever world Will occupied. It was like the universe was telling him that he should stay away, that it was never going to work out for him anyways.
Lately he has been standing out on the bridge again like he did when he was a teen.
It was harder and harder to be satisfied with his exile but he really saw no point in crawling out of the hole he was in.
Hypothetically what did he think would happen if he did get a chance to tell Will in person? Maybe a polite rejection, maybe a call to security…
Will made it no secret to the internet that the whole ordeal with a leaked soulmark left him jaded. He openly discussed not believing that soulmarks were the only true form of love. He loved Mia and he couldn't imagine that there could be something better. These video clips were usually saved in a special folder. There was a compilation that James painstakingly edited together to play when he was getting thoughts of reaching out again, or interacting or tweeting at the man. It kept him in check. There was really no need to worry Will with his attentions.
—
Somewhere in between the longing and failed relationships and streaming and the Minecraft drama, the lockdown, he began to write music - he was so full of emotion: love, loneliness, hatred, and all of it was desperate to spill out into the world.
—
Of course it was a house party for Tommy that set a chain of events in motion. James had just released ‘Grapes’ and he was on a high, the song doing far better than his previous projects. He wasn't being very careful screening invitations, busy with promoting his music around the small Brighton YouTube scene. This is how he ended up in the same kitchen as Will.
James wasn't even sure why Will was here. No one on the list was particularly close to him and he wasn't trying to promote anything with Tommy nor did he have any filming to do in Brighton. WillNE just decided to show up to a party full of Minecrafters and Twitch streamers of his own volition.
James was trying his hardest not to have an oncoming anxiety attack. His body was stuck leaning against the counter as Will rustled around the fridge on the opposite end of the kitchen. James watched as Will’s fingers gripped the fridge handle tightly, the long pale digits looking like something out of a painting - they looked like the hands of death that were about to clutch at James’s throat.
He was humming something to himself, it sounded familiar but James couldn't get his brain to remember what it was.
James reluctantly ripped his gaze away from Will's hands. He is too close… and if he looks any more it will probably come across as creepy. His eyes could never hide emotion well and making accidental eye contact, real eye contact, with the singular person that the universe made for him was unthinkable. He would never recover from that level of intimacy. He would also never recover from having Will look at him like a stranger. James doest think that his mind would be able to take a lack of recognition in those pretty blue eyes. God knows what psychological damage he has inflicted on himself with his habit.
That's what he was, a stranger. An unfamiliar face awkwardly leaning against the granite with downcast eyes - not saying a single thing. He was sure that this was somehow not socially acceptable, that he needed to acknowledge the other man…but that was even worse. James is an uncomfortable man. Too much time has passed for James to say anything to Will and he was still frozen in fear as if Will hadn't noticed his 6’4” frame taking up space in the tight room.
He started to feel tears well up in the corners of his eyes, he just needed to keep it together long enough for Will to leave.
“Aha!” A triumphant little noise came from across the room as Will clanked around multiple bottles, finally taking out some fruity little seltzer from the fridge.
James was going to think about that noise for the rest of his life. There was a complicated shiver from recognition, desire and terror running through his extremities.
A raspy voice breaks their silence “Oy mate you ok?!”
A question directed at James, fuck.
All he could manage in response is a tight nod, still looking down, praying Will would leave him alone and let him fucking breathe.
“Oh have we met by the way? I'm Will!”
There is a hand stretched out in front of him, right under where his eyes are burning holes into the floor. He can't pretend not to see it.
At this, fight or flight finally overrides his anxiety - his animal brain pumping adrenaline to allow his feet to move. James pushes himself off of the counter aggressively as Will’s hand drops. He storms out probably faster and heavier than he wanted but that couldn't be helped.
“Ay what did I say lad!?” follows him though the hall.
James isn't thinking - instead of heading for the front door, he heads upstairs and locks himself in a bathroom. He needs to be alone. He needs to calm down. He needs to breathe.
God he's completely fucked it for a second time hasn't he? It's so much worse this time - Will knows what he looks like and he'd just blown him off. Will spoke to him and he couldn't even say anything in return.
Jesus, he probably looked like such an ass. There was really no going back from this, maybe the DM he sent could have been forgotten but this? No, James doesn’t think he could ever explain his behavior away. At least if he left a bad enough impression, he won't ever need to explain himself to Will at this rate.
He isn't sure how but he's ended up in the tub. He is hugging his knees to his chest like a dramatic teen and trying to stop the tears running down his face. It's impossible. All of his insecurities have slowly been unraveling, a path of string leading back to the downstairs fridge. ‘pathetic fat cunt’ runs on repeat in his head - the universe needed to correct his misplaced confidence. His ego got too big with ‘Grapes’ so now he gets to sit here and think about how little he actually matters to Will and how he would never really know that beautiful man.
—
His dramatic little spiral gets interrupted by a soft knock on the door. James realizes in that moment that he is gasping for air though sobs - Jesus. He hopes they are quiet enough not to be noticed through the door.
The knock repeats.
“Hey James, you in there?
It's Tommy.
“James I'm picking the lock”
When Tommy finally makes it in, James is able to quiet down the wet gasps escaping his chest. The sight that must greet his friend is serious enough to elicit genuine concern on the blond’s features.
“Did you want to talk about it?”
James shakes his head as Tommy crouches down by the tub.
“Will said it looked like you were having a panic attack in the kitchen, he feels kinda shit he didn't notice earlier”
It was a good lie.
“....Sorry Tommy… didn't mean to make a scene”
Tommy shook his head, “Nah I don't think anyone other than Will noticed, you are good if you want to hang out some more”
Tommy doesn't know about James and Will or rather James and his obsession with Will. Tommy doesn't know that the idea of spending one more second in the same house as Will is making his hands itch for something sharp. The air in the house is starting to taste too close to an alcohol induced black out.
“I think I'll go home Tommy…just, let me know when I can come downstairs…I don't want to run into Will again”
Tommy doesn't seem to clock that as weird - probably categorizing it as social anxiety. James has gotten lucky this time.
—
James makes it to his apartment with a new bottle of Whiskey and an uncomfortable buzzing under his skin. He needed to relax, he needed to feel something other than dread, other than the itching in his arms. He wanted to forget that tomorrow is another day, that tomorrow he will spend hours replaying the same interaction over and over again. He needed to just be in the moment right now, safe and alone with the exception of Otto. There was no one that he needed to avoid or explain himself to here. He could just be himself.
Four shots make it down his throat in quick succession.
James sat on his couch, old reruns playing on the tv in a dark living room. James’s fingers were lightly tracing his soulmark - he knew it by heart, could redraw it freehand on command. The blue geometric lines and a pair of mischievous eyes taunt him, taunt the patchwork of smaller tattoos that he has begun to acquire. Over the years James has taken the eyes to be himself. He was just an observer, catching pieces of Will's life and never really being able to decipher all of it, the facts tangling in with Will’s online persona.
He wondered if Will would think of him from time to time, if their connection existed on a level deeper than skin…it's likely that in a week's time Will would forget about him and things will go back to ‘normal’. ‘Not a very normal kind of normal huh Jimbo’ He didn't mind the thought - he was feeling really good after a few more shots. He wasn't even sure why he was upset earlier - everything would go right back to the status quo soon enough and there was nothing to worry about. James had decided to treat himself with a video from Chris. He doesn't watch them often but tonight felt like looking at Will's micro expressions as he chatted with his friends. It helped James feel like he was also participating…especially when he was drunk.
James falls asleep to old Will commentary videos just like he does every night where whiskey is involved.
—
James and hangovers are good friends. He doesn't flinch when he wakes up with an awful headache. Instead of complaining, he opts for a quick shower and a black coffee.
It takes James a while to get around to checking his messages - he was supposed to let Tommy know if he has made it home or not but recently he hasn't been very good at that. His phone was dead when he found it inside the couch cushions so he puts it on a charge and forgets about it again. If Tommy was truly worried, he would come by the flat like he has before.
James sits at his computer and makes his way through his socials for the day - checking discords, YouTube comments and twitch updates…after an hour finally getting to twitter.
He does a double take when opening his DMs. Brain not quite catching up with his eyes. Right there in the most recent DMs is a familiar profile picture.
James is back in the kitchen all over again. With a shaky hand he clicks on the notification. Right there on his screen are two messages. The first is the all too familiar request for coffee from years ago…and second is from Will.
W: Hey mate, wanted to check in and see if you were alright
12:46 am
Will saw his message. Will saw his message and now had a face to associate with it.
James doesn't reply - in fact James doesn't leave the house for a week.