Chapter Text
Holy. Shit.
Why the hell did I think it was a good idea to make my announcement an entire family affair? Now all five of my brothers, in addition to my mother and father sat in the living room waiting for whatever I had to tell them. And here I was, standing outside the door, too petrified to move.
I should explain. My name is Matsuno Todomatsuno. Or I hope to be. Right now I'm Matsuno Todoko, the youngest child of the Matsuno household, and the only daughter. Except, I haven't felt like a girl for most of my life. Sure, I got spoiled rotten by my parents because I was the only daughter amongst five older, identical brothers. I wore dresses, my hair was long, and I even dabbled in makeup. But I never got special treatment from my brothers. To them, I was just like one of the guys. It goes beyond that, though. I'm not just like one of the guys, I am one of the guys. Look, you'll get the explanation with the rest of my family.
Which brings me back to my current situation. I suppose I should go in there and let the cat out of the bag. They've already been waiting for a couple of hours. I told them to sit and wait while I get ready. I didn't want one of them seeing me in the middle of my transformation. I had practiced how to cut hair through online video tutorials and cheap Halloween store wigs over my own shoulder-length hair in anticipation for this, so now it took only an hour to get my hair cut and looking identical to the short borderline bowl cut my brothers sported. It took another hour to shower, dry and style my hair, and get dressed into a borrowed suit from one of my brothers. With my hair short, and my breasts pressed flat by the binder, I looked just like them. It was almost a weird thought that I'm a sixth identical face. Six same faces.
“Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.” I'm cursing under my breath as I pace away from the door, attempting to bail out. Except my hair was already cut. Even if I didn't come out and say it now, questions would be asked to why I chopped off my hair. “Todomatsu you limp dick fuck, man up already!” Yes, that's what I needed. A little pep talk. Time to get this over with.
Everyone's seated on the couch, which is facing the adjacent wall from the door. So I have about a five second grace period before they see me. I have to use that to my advantage. Take a deep breath, slide the door open, and stride in like I'm not about to spontaneously burst into flames. Own this outfit like it's my own. It's hard to be confident when I know there's an onslaught of questions guaranteed and the possibility of being rejected, of being told it's 'just a phase.' But I'm already in the room, no turning back. No running away to live on my own, joining the circus.
I go to stand in the middle of the room, feet together and hands held delicately behind my back, trying to keep my shoulders back and square to make myself look more masculine. There's a hushed tension hanging in the air, so I tear my eyes away from the space on the wall above their heads to look at my family's faces, judge their reactions. My eyes land on mom first. She's shocked, but when she meets my eyes, she smiles the best she can to be understanding. Dad is on her left, silently mulling things over. Choromatsu sits on the couch next to mom, frowning and utterly stumped. Karamatsu's leaned against the floor, thick eyebrows furrowed in thought. Ichimatsu looks bored as ever, though I can see the glint of curiousity in his eyes. Jyushimatsu stares towards me, his eyes meeting mine unblinking, mouth closed in a small smile. Osomatsu, who had actually managed to not be paying attention until just now, looked over and fell off his seat perched on the armrest.
“Todoko, what the fuck did you do to your hair! To your tits!” Ah, yes, he has as much grace as a new born deer trying to walk on ice.
Deep breath in, exhale through the mouth in a heavy sigh. Time to come clean. “Well...nii-sans...mom, dad....” Words stick in my throat, and I expect Osomatsu to break in a witty remark, except he doesn't. He's dead silent. Maybe because of the death glare our mother had given him. “I've always had this feeling...I've been more comfortable dressing in the same clothes as my brothers, rough housing and acting like one of the guys. But it's more than that. I'm not just like one of the guys, I am one of the guys.” God, these words just won't come out right. “Look, okay it's like...nnh...”
There's a long silence again as I fidget back and forth on my feet, biting back tears and trying to work through my words so they'll understand. “It's like-- we're sextuplets, right? Identical. Then why would there just be one sister? Look, look.” Another deep breath, and I meet mom's eyes again. She seems to understand already. She nods encouragingly, like she's known for a long time. How is it mother's have that way? They know things almost before you do. That gives me the courage to keep going through my slurry of words. “Long story short, I'm your brother, your son. Not your little sister, or your daughter.”
A weight has lifted off my shoulders and I see mom smile. Holy shit does that make my heart skip a beat. She approves already. God bless the all-loving mother that we have. Silence still hangs in the air but it feels a lot less suffocating in here. My eyes flick back through the faces of my family, although there's little change. Except Osomatsu now has his thumb and index finger under his chin in a very cheesy thinking pose. Out of all of them, Ichimatsu is the first to speak.
“So you're one of those trans people. Like what you'll see on tv?” His voice is even, with just the faintest hint of a questioning tone that means he really wants to know more. I have to hold back the urge to bounce on my feet and point excitedly.
“Yes! Yes like that. I've already taken the first steps myself, as you can see with the hair cut and the binder that flattens my chest. Mom just needs to make arrangements at the school to get me a male uniform. And I would like for you to all call me Todomatsu now, and use he when talking about me. I'm your son slash brother now, okay?” I take one last deep, triumphant breath as I survey the room, feeling rather confident about things now. Except, no one's saying anything. No one's even responded aside from mom's smile and Ichimatsu's question. Oh god, maybe it's not okay and maybe they're going to reject me. I'll look like an ass then.
Then, I notice Jyushimatsu stand, a large open-mouthed grin cracked on his face. “Todomatsu!” He exclaims, which breaks the tension and the silence. Next to him, Ichimatsu is silent, but nodding in agreement.
“I always knew I felt a deep, manly connection to you, brutha.” I wince at Karamatsu's painful line, but I'm so relieved that he's taken to the idea.
“It's going to be a shame that I can't brag about my hot sister anymore, but since we have the same face it was really just a compliment to me.”
“Thanks, Osomatsu-niisan.” I roll my eyes and they fall on Choromatsu, who's nodding slowly, still taking things in.
“Six, identical brothers...Well, you were a pain in my ass even when you were my sister so I guess calling you my brother might not be that hard of a change.”
Last is mom and dad, who have stayed quiet, watching to see if my brothers would accept me first. I guess they wanted them to decide for themselves, rather than make a decision and have them follow along like we all tend to do. They stand, dad's hand around mom's waist. “Your mother and I had a suspicion when you stopped wearing dresses when you were 10 and started stealing your brothers uniforms to school.”
“If it makes you happy, then we're more than happy ourselves to do whatever we can for you, Todomatsu.” Mom smiles and opens her arms and I throw myself into them, letting myself be embraced by the motherly warmth and understanding. After days, weeks, months, and even years of sitting on this, the relief is too much. All the emotions from all day come crashing down on me – fear, anxiety, stress, and relief – it's too much to handle, I start bawling, tears streaming down my cheeks. I had held it together up until now, my body wracked with silent sobs.
A murmur of worried voices break through, but I can't hear them over the sound of my own labored breathing. I hiccup, I cry, I shake in my mother's arms. My eyes are puffy and red, snot drips from my nose and the saliva in my mouth is thick. Over all, I'm a huge fucking mess. And really, I'm not aware of anything except this overwhelming crush of emotions.
Eventually, I just cry myself out until I'm just shaking and hyperventilating. I've wiped my nose and eyes on the sleeves of the borrowed blazer several times until all around the cuffs are soggy and dark with mixed body fluids. Sorry Osomatsu-niisan. At some point, mom set me down on the couch, I vaguely remember that mom and dad had work today, they must've left me to my brothers' care.
That's right, the chest I'm curled up against isn't soft and motherly, it's thin and lanky and smells like they forgot their deodorant today. Could be any one of them, really. But at least the slightly musky scent was calming and familiar. From when I would scrape my knee while we were rough housing when we were younger and they would all come and hug me. Things haven't changed since I came out an hour prior, there's no awkwardness that I feared there would be. Maybe they still see me as a fragile little sister, but that's okay, it would take some getting used to for all of them.
I feel a nudge at my shoulder and look up, seeing Karamatsu holding out his hand to me, offering to help me to my feet. I take the offer and stand, a little wobbly on my feet, but stable. “Come, my brother, you must get yourself ready. If you are going to be a man, you must have a man's wardrobe. And fortunately for you, I've been reading a magazine featuring Perfect Men's Fashion. You couldn't be luckier to have such a stylish brother to help you pick out your new wa-”
Holding up a hand to silence the painful lines spewing out of Karamatsu, I give him a smile. “Kara-nii, please stop talking, it hurts.” But I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me feel better. “I would like to go shopping though. As brothers?”
A roar of laughter echoes through the room and Osomatsu slaps a hand on my back, laughing the loudest out of all of them. “Well shit, Todomatsu.” My heart skips a beat, the name sounds so natural coming from the eldest of my brothers. “You just announced that you're one of us, I don't think we could go shopping together as anything but brothers.”
Eyes roll in my head as I bring my hand to scratch the back of my head, feeling the newly cut strands of hair. “Thanks, nii-san...” I look around the room, feeling the prick of tears in my eyes again and I have to dash upstairs to change my clothes before I start crying again. I pull on a pink hoodie with a signature pine symbol on it, custom made as a gift from our mother for graduating middle school. I borrow a pair of pants from Choromatsu, rolling up the pant legs until they've got a cute little cuff above my ankles. I may be a boy, but that's no excuse for not looking cute.
By the time I get downstairs again, my brothers are standing around the entrance to the house, waiting for me. I slip on my shoes and stuff my wallet into my hoodie pocket. “Well? What are you all standing around for, nii-sans?” Ichimatsu throws his arm around my shoulders, giving me this grin that leads me to believe that I'm going to die, by his hands.
“If you walk out that door, there's no going back from this. You can't falter or people won't believe you. Are you ready for that?” He speaks lowly, and I can tell from the hard stares from the rest of my brothers, that they're all serious about this.
My eyebrows furrow, my expression matching their seriousness. “I'm ready, nii-sans. I've been ready for years. I'm not turning back, no matter what it takes.” I don't break eye contact with anyone. I'm dead serious about what I said. Even if it meant moving out at the age of 15, I would do it.
“Jeez! Everyone's so tense, c'mon we're supposed to be having fun with our little brother!!” Jyushimatsu's cheerfulness breaks the tension and he opens the door, initiating our trip out to go shopping. We have our little squabbles, but my brothers have my back, no matter what. And that's all I could ever ask for.